Chapter Text
Asexual - A lack of sexual attraction.
Aromantic - A lack of romantic attraction.
Okay, so the labels were pretty straight forward.
Not straight, actually. Bad word to use.
Was he… really as romance repulsed as Touya suggested? It would definitely explain his physical and mental reactions to Rui’s affection, despite his previous yearning for it.
Oh. And speaking of Rui…
Tsukasa (22:41): SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO GET BACK TO YOU I WAS DOWNSTAIRS WITH MY SIBLINGS
Rui (22:41): its okay! no worries
Rui (22:42): though, now youre here, i wanna check if youre okay or not
Rui (22:42): ur message was just very sudden and i dont want you to be struggling in any way :)
Tsukasa (22:43): IM OAKY
Tsukasa (22:43): OLAY**
Tsukasa (22:43): OKAY****
Rui (22:43): lol
Tsukasa (22:43): I just need to discuss something very important with you and I feel it would be a disservice to you if I were to address it via text!!!! What time is best for you tomorrow???
Rui (22:44): would noon be good? we can talk over lunch
Rui (22:44): are you sure youre okay though?? this is all very sudden and im a little worried
Tsukasa (22:45): ALL IS WELL
All was not well.
Flinging his phone across the room, his research flying with it, Tsukasa threw himself onto his bed.
What on earth was he to say? And how would he even word it?
Although Touya’s kindness had not only offered him a label for his experiences, but also solidarity within them, it didn’t shake the… horrible, aching feeling within him. He had always been told that romance was this incredible pinnacle of life to aspire towards, the height of all your interpersonal relationships and the only one worth fighting for. While he had since detangled the inherent absurdity of the previous statements, for his family came into priority WAY before any romantic partner would have done, one statement he struggled to see any absurdity in was it being the pinnacle of life.
Because that’s what he had always seen. And heard.
Peers would gush about crushes like it was no tomorrow. Valentine’s Day and White Day, even though their intentions had since expanded, had originated as romantic gestures. No matter how Tsukasa had unconsciously separated himself from this expectation of romance, and how he never viewed things as inherently romantic, the pressure in society pursued him in a terrifying way.
Sometimes it would manifest through the questions - when are you going to get a partner, Tsukasa? No partner yet, Tsukasa? Got your eye on anyone, Tsukasa?
The use of the adverb of degree ‘yet’ connoted incompletion. As if he would never be truly complete unless he were to date.
And strangely, one of the most comforting things about his relationship with Rui transitioning to a romantic one was how these questions stopped. Though the switch from pestering questions to pestering praise had also unsettled him.
The most irritating thing about the pressure, though, was how he actually did feel incomplete without somebody. How dare these patronising comments hold a degree of truth to them!
He knew he was complete within himself. Having another person by his side did not function as his ‘other half’, it was simply another whole beside his own. Not to mention the feeling of completion that family gave him. That Wonderlands x Showtime gave him.
It didn’t change the fact that he would pass a kissing couple in the street and feel a twinge of jealousy. It didn’t change the fact that his eyes would linger upon a couple holding hands and wish he could have that. It didn’t change the fact that he wanted to be somebody’s person.
Especially since he wanted Rui to be his person.
No matter how selfish he felt for making such a demand without the romantic connotations that society considered the most important.
With a sigh, Tsukasa took himself to bed, ignoring the phone laying far away from him on the floor. He clasped his eyes shut and only prayed that things would go well.
After a night of tossing and turning, Tsukasa’s eyes shot open. Throwing himself up to a sitting position, he scrambled in an attempt to find his phone. Not on the bed. Obviously. It had been thrown to the side. He threw himself to the floor, ignoring the thud of forearms against it as he adjusted the half of his body that hung off his bed to aid him in crawling over to his phone. As he began to crawl, his leg fell stuck in his blanket, and he ended up dragging half of his bed across the floor with him. Vision blurring and everything.
How he found his phone so quickly was beyond him.
However, since he swiftly located it, he whisked it off of the ground in a heroic act of saving it from his own nightly frustration. Unscathed and uncracked. Always pleasant!
What wasn’t pleasant was the time glowing back at him, sitting upon a lock screen of Wonderlands x Showtime in their stage costume.
11:23 .
“EXCUSE ME?!” At his sudden scream, Saki bolted up the stairs, clinging to the banister in order to keep herself standing.
“What… what’s happened?!” Through desperate breaths, she made her way over to Tsukasa, who remained tangled in his duvet upon the floor. Any other day, she would presume he was simply channeling his inner mermaid, but matched with the screaming, she instead presumed the worst. It appeared she hadn’t been the only one to make such a guess, for Touya quickly followed.
“The… the! The time! I’m going to be LATE!” Clambering across the floor, Tsukasa flailed in a desperate attempt to free himself from his makeshift tail. Screams continued to fall from his lips, increasing with volume with every exclamation. “I! AM! GOING TO BE! LATE!”
“LATE TO WHAT?!” Saki screamed back, now on the floor in an attempt to help him. No progress had been made. He either had to accept the duvet as part of his body or be late… and Tsukasa Tenma was never late.
“MY… MY TALK WITH RUI!” As soon as the words left his lips, he entirely froze. He repeated, “My talk with Rui ,” and collapsed to the ground, turning limp as Saki desperately shook him.
“TOUYA…! HELP!” Touya had since transitioned to standing over his siblings, his shadow hiding them from the sun’s rays.
“Tsukasa-onii-san. You can’t play dead to get out of an awkward discussion.” Leaning down, Touya moved the duvet and unhooked it from Tsukasa’s legs as if it were nothing. Perhaps the merging-of-duvet-and-flesh had been greatly exaggerated… Much to his dismay, Tsukasa heaved a deep sigh and rolled onto his back, facing both of his siblings. “Just tell Kamishiro-senpai you overslept and you might be a little late. It’s best to get this out of the way rather than push everything under the rug.”
“Touya. My darling little brother. My baby brother. My boy.” Hand reaching Touya’s cheek, caressing it gently with every utterance, Tsukasa sighed as he spoke, “Please prepare my grave for after this encounter.”
“No. You’re not getting a grave.”
“Oh, so this is what denouncing me as your older brother means?!” Bringing up the moment from last night, as promised, Tsukasa threw the back of his hand to his forehead as he exclaimed, “First, you entirely drop the ‘-onii-san’ that I cried hearing you say for the first time, and now…! Now you won’t even do me the honour of preparing a grave after Nenerobo skewers me like a kebab?!”
“Touya! Please, you must prepare the wrappings for our kebab brother! It’s the least you could do!” Joining in with the exclamations, Saki spoke in a forcefully trembling voice. Her voice entirely broke after saying ‘least’, making Tsukasa purse his lips at how it would ruin his ‘argument’. If it could even be dubbed as such. After all, all he received in return from Touya was a blank stare and a few slow blinks.
“Now, Tsukasa -onii-san -” emphasizing the honorifics through a stifled laugh, Tsukasa felt temporary contentment at the fact he had succeeded in his hunt for laughter, “you will not be turning into a kebab anytime soon. Okay?” He patted Tsukasa’s head a few times, every tap turning more patronising, and Saki stared in awe at how jokingly passive aggressive her little brother could be when he so desired. How lucky that he seldom desired to act in such a way.
“Ah… how your taps upon my forehead regenerate my lost energy…” To that, Touya grinned and leaned down to rest his head on Tsukasa’s chest in an attempted hug. It only took a moment for Saki to lean down upon Touya, creating a Tenma tower of sorts, sending their compassion through body language to empower their older brother in his romantic break-up.
“Good luck today, onii-chan. You’ve got this!” Raising her hand, Saki held it in the air before smacking it against his stomach. As he shot up to a sitting position, agony flowing through his very being, Tsukasa seemed to catapult Touya and Saki away from him as well.
“HOW! DARE YOU SAKI!” Through coughs and hands clasping his stomach, Tsukasa screeched similarly to a set off siren. All Saki could do was cackle. Touya let out a little giggle, too… oh, the betrayal!
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
Oh no.
Tsukasa glanced over at his phone’s clock.
11:48 .
Perhaps he had gotten carried away, and given today’s arrangements…
“I’ll get it.” Touya stood up and wandered towards the staircase, to let in the ‘mystery’ knocker. Tsukasa knew who it was. Given his reputation of never being late, it should have been expected. “Ah, Kamishiro-senpai…”
“Hello, Aoyagi-kun. Is your brother in?” His voice weaved its way through the air and into Tsukasa’s ears, and if it weren’t for the dread eating his inner organs, he would feel eased by it.
“Yes… he’s upstairs. He overslept a little, so-”
“Ah, no worries!” Tsukasa could imagine he smiled after saying this, due to the pause between utterances, “He’s usually there before I am, so I presumed something had caused a delay, considering how I was earlier than him for once.” Another pause. Saki took that as an opportunity to weave her way away from Tsukasa’s bedroom, aware that such a conversation did not require her presence. “Would I be welcome upstairs? He’s expecting me…”
Don’t let him upstairs Touya, even though he is very much so expected! “Of course you are. You know the way by now, I presume?” God damn it, Touya! So… polite and well-mannered!
“Thank you, Aoyagi-kun…” Hearing footsteps bash against each step on the staircase (likely because his ear was on the floor, but he took it as a sign of great danger), Tsukasa shot up to a standing position and rushed over to his bed. Sitting upon it in anticipation and hoping the duvet cast across the floor just wouldn’t be noticed. Apart from its bright colours and the fact it covered more of the floor than any rug could do, surely it wasn’t that noticeable…
“Tsukasa-kun?” Rui’s voice echoed from the staircase, and Tsukasa squeaked in return. As he arose into Tsukasa’s view, his eyes lingered upon his outfit for a few moments too long; he wore a black turtleneck with a dark overcoat hugging his figure, with a few bracelets upon his wrists. Bags, as they often did, rested under his eyes as if they were fast asleep, rather than a sign of lost sleep. He even wore eyeliner. Eyeliner ! All Tsukasa could do was stare. No butterflies, no racing hearts, no blushing. Just wide eyes and a smile, one that was swiftly reciprocated by his partner. “It’s good to see you.”
“Y… Yes, welcome!” Coughing out a reply, Tsukasa followed Rui’s gaze to the duvet upon the floor, and watched his face contort into a grin.
“Did you have a fight in your sleep or something?”
“I… guess you could say that…” He patted the bed beside him, prompting Rui to glide over to him and sit down. The two sat in silence for a moment. “I’m sorry, for not showing up despite this discussion being of my request.”
“Tsukasa-kun? Apologising? My, I’m impressed.” Noticing Tsukasa’s unwavering expression, Rui swiftly dropped it. “Sorry… you may talk about what you summoned me for, if you like.”
“I… I don’t know how to say this in a way that isn’t hurtful to you. I just want to say, before you jump in or allow your brain to jump ahead… please, Rui. Hear me fully.” Avoiding Tsukasa’s gaze, Rui looked to his hands and nodded a few times. The fact his face had since lost its colour, as well as his outfit’s colour scheme of darkness and dismay… they both knew exactly how this was starting. No wonder Rui had pressed to see if Tsukasa was okay last night.
“Go ahead, Tsukasa-kun.” A hushed tone unlike Rui, yet reminiscent of the day he left Wonderlands x Showtime during their early days. It pricked his heart like a needle, making Tsukasa wish he were bleeding out rather than entirely conscious.
“I… I’m just going to preface this with the bit I know you’re expecting, but please know that it’s not the full picture. At all!” Rui nodded once more, biting back tears. “I’m… breaking up with you. Romantically.” He tried to ignore Rui wiping his eyes in his peripheral vision as his eyes remained on his clasped hands upon his lap, “I… I think I may be aromantic and asexual.”
“Ah… I see.” A mumble from his side, and Tsukasa looked up to see reddened eyes and a forced grin. “I’m sorry, you asked me to hear you fully, and here I am, interrupting you…” As his heart reached his stomach, Tsukasa swallowed back the suffocating feeling within his throat and lunged towards Rui. As he wrapped his arms around his ex-boyfriend, he felt arms work their way around to his back, squeezing onto him in a way that screamed don’t leave me .
“Rui…” Burying his head into Rui’s shoulder, Tsukasa rubbed his hand across Rui’s back and allowed him a moment to cry. “Rui, I’m not… I’m not leaving you, okay? Listen to me.” The hands upon his back tightened their grip. “I… I don’t… I don’t just want to be your friend, though. I want to do all of the things we do now, but… without being boyfriends. Our own form of love, in between romance and friendship.” Pulling away from the hug, Rui wiped his eyes a few times. Fear lay upon Tsukasa’s tongue, intending to split it in two if he had overstepped the line entirely.
“You’re… not leaving me?”
“No, of course not!” Tsukasa stretched his mouth into a smile, hoping Rui would reciprocate, as he always did. Though the smile wasn’t there this time, his attention was. “I know… I know you’re afraid of people leaving you, and I promised you so long ago I would never do that. Even if I lack romantic feelings towards you, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” Further tears spilled from Rui’s eyes, clasping a hand over his mouth to hide how he choked on them. They seemed to be infectious, for Tsukasa’s eyes stung with an unfamiliar sensation. “I love you, Rui. I love your passion, I love your smile, I love your laugh and I love all the things we do together. Love doesn’t have to be romantic to be meaningful.”
“Since when were you capable of such insightful talks…?” Mumbling in between sobs, Rui managed a small smile and reached out to grab Tsukasa’s hands in his. Where his hands were damp from wiped tears, Tsukasa’s hands were clammy and warm from where he had seemingly fused them in stress.
“If it means the boy I love will understand how I feel, I’ll try my best at anything.” Disregarding his usual perfectionism with his words, Tsukasa raised Rui’s hand to his lips and placed a small kiss upon it. Kissing away the pain in a way that finally felt right. “I can’t love you romantically, Rui. That is the reality of this all. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you in my life.” After a few more nods, Rui collapsed into Tsukasa’s arms and took a sharp inhale.
“I love you, Tsukasa-kun. I’m so sorry you had to endure such discomfort for so long.”
“It’s not your fault! Don’t you dare blame yourself for my obliviousness!” Another chuckle from Rui’s lips, albeit a little messed up due to coinciding with tears. “I love you, Rui. Please stay with me.”
“You’re the shooting star that encapsulates all my dreams, Tsukasa-kun. Why, oh why, would I leave you?” Laying his head against Rui’s chest, Tsukasa chuckled and allowed himself to breathe through his sniffles.
For the first time in a while, as he allowed the love of his life to hold him, Tsukasa felt at peace.