Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ryan didn't even have the wherewithal to notice that Sophie was inching closer to her. Well beyond her personal space.

She didn't even realize Sophie was kissing her until right before it was over and Sophie was speaking again.

She barely had a chance to savor it.

"Figure your shit out, Ryan."

Ryan's not sure what Sophie's thought process for that was. Was a nice little smooch supposed to get her to admit her undying love or was it supposed to suck all of Ryan's liminal breath away? Because only the latter was accomplished.

Sophie didn't know what she intended to happen either. She didn't act on impulse all that often, and then seemed as good a time as any. She more or less just wanted to kiss Ryan. And telling Ryan to figure her shit out afterward seemed like a valid excuse.

Maybe, in some ass backwards way, it had worked because Ryan hadn't ran from the house screaming like she was being chased. In fact, Ryan didn't move, or even speak, at all.

And Sophie didn't make her. She instead sat down on one of the couches and picked back up her guitar. She strummed some miscellaneous notes that didn't sound even remotely good together.

"Will you sit down if you're not leaving? You're making me anxious." She spoke without looking up. She eyed the tattoo on her forearm.

To her surprise, Ryan actually let out a small laugh and sat down on the couch opposite of her slowly.

Sophie fiddled with her laptop in a sudden bout of nervousness.

"Can I show you something?"

Ryan seemed to have finally found her voice, "Absolutely."

"I-uh-I wrote this song for you, I'm not gonna release it unless that's what you want. I wrote it for you, it's yours. So, you can tell me what to do with it. I'm not going to sing it for you right now. Just gonna play it from my laptop. I've never really understood the idea of serenading someone. What are they supposed to do while you sing? And what if I choke or something? That'd be so awkward-"

"You're starting to sound like me. Just play it, Sophie."

At risk of sounding like Ryan even more, and ecstatic for the interruption, Sophie did just that.

The intial words were staticky and tinny as they sounded from the small speakers, but that was quickly overshadowed by the lyrics and Ryan's affinity for Sophie's voice.

I need you to fill the void
I wonder how I got by this week
I only touched you once
Lately I can't find a beat
I used to feel the rush

Sophie couldn't seem to help herself from humming along with the playback. She had wrote a pretty catchy song if she did say so herself.

I'll try just to do somethin'
I'll try 'cause I got nothin'
Else that gets me through the day
Until I find another way
I'll try just to do somethin'
I'll try 'cause I got nothin'
Even if I lose again
I won't quit

I wonder how I got by this week
I only touched you once
Lately I can't find a beat
I used to feel the rush

Ryan chewed on the inside of her lip. This was some immersive therapy Sophie was putting her through. And it was working. She got it. She understood as soon as Sophie made the decision to share the song with her.

She got it. She felt the same way. And she wanted this to end quicker so they could get on with the rest, but instead she just relaxed and let the lyrics was over her. Because clearly Sophie needed this immersive therapy too.

I wonder how I got by this week
I only touched you once
Lately I can't find a beat
I used to feel the rush

And now I need you to feel the vibe
I need you to see the point
I need you to feel alive
I need you to fill the void

They both let the rest of the song play out within uttering a word. The last few lyrics faded out appropriately and Sophie closed her laptop.

Ryan opened her mouth to speak, "Soph, I-"

"-Look Ryan, I get it. I don't want to ever put you in a spot where it feels like I'm forcing you to do something you dont want to do. I won't push."

Ryan nodded, with half the mind to roll her eyes, she was listening, but Sophie wasn't. They were never listening at the same time.

Eventually, Ryan tapped her thighs resolutely, "Can I show you something?"

"Uh. Sure?"

Ryan immediately stood up and moved toward the front door. Sophie had to scurry to keep up with and attempt to keep the concern off her face when Ryan's pace led them to her car.

Ryan gestured for Sophie to get in it. She made a mental note to maybe invest in a larger car to avoid the look of Sophie folding herself into the coupe as she just had.

"Have I ever told you, I'm adopted?" Ryan asked as she pulled off into the insanely late Burbank night.

What Sophie wanted to say was 'No, you don't tell me much of anything at all', but she opted for a simple 'No', either way, she had a feeling Ryan already knew the answer. In fact, the question was probably intended to be rhetorical and just a way for Ryan to introduce her next line of speech.

"Well, yeah. I was born in Gotham. Abandoned by my mother at birth. Or so I thought. Then I was adopted by my Mama Cora and we moved out here pretty soon after that. She loved the beach. She put me in acting classes because apparently I was giving Oscar worthy tantrums." Ryan interrupted herself with a fond laugh.

"Long story short, she passed 4 years ago. Breast cancer. She wanted me to scatter her ashes into the ocean. It was a wonder I didn't get caught."

"I'm sorry, Ryan." What else was she supposed to say to that?

"Don't be. I'm good. Now I am, at least. Still trying to make her proud." Ryan took another long pause. She parked her car near a small surf shop. And gestured for Sophie to follow her onto the Santa Monica beach after grabbing a beach towel from her trunk.

Ryan spoke again after settling onto the beach towel covered sand and waiting for Sophie to follow suit, "Right before I got the call back for Batwoman my biological mother found me again. But my girlfriend, at the time, left me. For a while it seemed like two good things couldn't happen for me at once. If something good happened to me, something terrible was waiting for me just around the corner. And then I met you." Ryan watched as the light from a crescent-shaped moon bounced off rushing black waves.

"Was I a good thing or a bad thing?" Sophie asked. While Ryan watched the Pacific buck and crash, Sophie watched the luminance in Ryan's eyes dance and sparkle.

Ryan smiled widely, "Yes."

"What does that mean?" Sophie sounded scandalized.

Ryan didn't answer, she only laughed to herself.

"I used to come out here and talk to her often. I haven't done it in a while. I think I've been a bit too embarrassed by how I've been acting. I don't want to give her anything but my best self."

The waves slithered up the sand a few inces away from them and Sophie hummed, "She's your mother. She knows you're not perfect. No one is. You said you're still trying to make her proud, but I think she already is. I mean, look at you. What isn't there to be proud of?"

"Maybe you're right, but she could be prouder. And she will be in a couple of seconds." Ryan could see the reflection of the waves project themselves onto the strands of Sophie's hair. She bit her lip.

Sophie furrowed her brows, though it couldn't really be seen in the dim light, "What do you mean?"

Ryan turned so she was fully facing Sophie, "I'm used to people leaving me. But, I'm not used to them coming back."

Sophie, bless her heart, still looked moderately confused.

Ryan took pity on her, "I'm sorry, for putting you into a box that you so obviously don't fit in. You don't have to push, Sophie. Not anymore."

Sophie tried not to startle too badly when Ryan pressed her lips to hers. And yes, she had done the same to Ryan not even an hour prior, but the reverse was different.

It was different because Ryan wanted her. Just as much she wanted Ryan, and it should have been easier than that but it wasn't and that made it all the more appealing.

She did, however, voice her surprise when she found herself pushed down onto the beach towel with Ryan following her down.

"Aren't you worried someone might see us?" She sat up on her elbows, pushing indents into the towel and sand beneath.

Ryan seemed rather annoyed with the sudden line of questioning, "I pay a lot of money so that doesn't happen, so no."

"Oh."

"'Oh' is right. Now, let us resume what we were doing. I've waited almost three years."

"And whose fault is that?"

Ryan rolled her eyes, "Semantics. Now, shut up and kiss me."

And Sophie quickly obliged with a small laugh. She let herself be pushed backwards onto the towel. She grabbed at the hem of Ryan's skinny jeans. Fumbling with the button one-handed as the other was preoccupied with circling patterns into her waist.

Eventually, with no help from Ryan, she managed to pull the jeans delicately over her hips, then her knees. Ryan then taking over to kick the offending garment off of herself completely and into the glimmering sand. Her t-shirt ends up next to her jeans in no time.

"You're beautiful." Sophie whispered into Ryan's neck. Because Ryan is silhouetted by the crescent-shaped moon, and she'd have to be blind not to see that.

Ryan tried to hide her look of surprise by turning her head as much as she could away from Sophie.

"Don't hide from me. Not anymore."

Ryan turned back to Sophie. The surprise in her eyes softening into acceptance and admiration. Sophie leaned in and kissed her again.

Ryan fumbled with Sophie's clothing way more than Sophie had. A sense of urgency encompassing her so suddenly it almost knocked her over into the sand. She felt like she only had so little time to make up for the time they'd lost.

She's not sure how she ended up on her own back and further up the towel, there had been some giggling involve somewhere in there.

Ryan was sure of the fact that Sophie touching her, on the outside and the inside. It felt like she was a sacrifice being thrown head first into a angry volcano. A free fall, all encompassing, overwhelmingly hot.

When she finally came undone it's an eruption that starts low and travels up and out into a breathy moan like billowing smoke and ash.

The same goes for Sophie. Having Ryan taste her felt like she was drowning in the world's shallowest pool. The ocean in the distance had not swallowed more lives then this. It had not given more miniature deaths. She's swimming in a puddle. Impossible, refreshing, freeing.

When she finally came undone it's as if she'd been evaporated into the summer sun. Heated to vapor, only to condense and plummet back to earth again.

When it was all over and they're laying on top, and underneath, and through each other, Sophie spoke up, "I love you."

"I know." And Ryan did.

Because in some roundabout way, they were one in the same. And if Ryan knew herself, then she knew Sophie.

"I love you, too."