Chapter Text
‘ How are your classes going, honey? ’ Abby’s voice rings through the phone, and although Clarke knows her mother wants the best for her, she cringes at the off-handed question.
‘It’s going. I have a lot of work so it’s tough, but I’m hanging in there.’
‘ Good. You know I can pay for some tutoring lessons if you need it. I know a resident at the hospital who is fresh out of Med school and would be happy to help once in a while. ’
‘I know, you’ve said that already.’ Clarke mumbles, toying with a loose thread in her pajamas.
‘ I’m just trying to help, Clarke. It takes what it takes to succeed. Have you started thinking about where to apply? ’
‘I- yes. Kind of.’ Clarke lies.
‘ If you play your cards right you could get into Cornell, maybe even UCLA. You just need to push through this year so you can get a solid application. I know you can do it. ’
‘Yeah.’ Clarke sighed, defeated. ‘I have to go, mom. I’ll text you, okay?’
‘ Bye, honey. ’
Clarke hangs up the phone, feeling a wave of nausea rise in her throat. She’s not good enough for med school and she knows it. She never misses classes and has good grades; she’s managed to work herself up to a decently high GPA last semester, pulling all-nighters and spending her life studying, but it’s not good enough. It’s never going to be good enough for the type of schools Abby wants her to get into. And Clarke is tired already.
She can’t bear another year of this. Sure, medicine is interesting, and as a kid she always enjoyed watching her mother at work whenever she had the chance, but it’s never been her dream.
‘Shit!’ She curses, checking the time on her phone.
Clarke hops out of bed where she spent her entire morning working and rummages through her closet to find clean sweatpants and a hoodie.
‘Everything okay?’ Harper asks from her desk.
‘Gonna be late for my shift again.’ She huffs, all but running out the door.
She makes it to the coffee shop right on time and slightly out of breath. Wells is already behind the counter with his apron on, polishing glasses. Clarke quickly puts her things in the backroom before clocking in.
‘Did you just wake up?’ Wells snorts, pointing out Clarke’s tousled hair and lack of makeup.
‘I was studying. Didn’t look at the time and now here I am, looking like shit.’ Clarke gives him a playful side-eye. ‘I had my mom on the phone.’
‘Ooh.’ He cringes. ‘How did it go?’
‘Everytime she calls me it gives me anxiety. She’s already behind my back for Med school applications, it just stresses me out!’
‘Did you tell her?’
‘Are you kidding? In her mind she’s doing nothing wrong. She’s just being supportive of her daughter.’ Clarke grumbles, polishing a glass so hard it makes squeaking noises.
‘That’s exactly why you should tell her. Just ask her to give you some space, let you figure it out by yourself.’
‘I don’t think she’s ready for this conversation. She takes everything personally.’
Wells raises his hands in the air in surrender and Clarke gratefully veers the conversation towards less anxiety-inducing topics. They talk about classes and weekend plans in-between customers.
It’s Clarke’s third year working at the coffee shop on campus and she knows the tea and coffee options like the back of her hand by now. Wells, whom she’s known since high school, is one of her closest friends and they’d requested to have most of their shifts together this year. Clarke is thankful for the short respite the coffee shop gives her - she doesn’t have to justify not studying when she is working, and it’s always a good time to catch up with her friend.
Clarke walks into the library with her bag slung over her shoulder and settles in her usual spot, a table in a quiet corner of the ground floor within view of the front desk. There aren’t many people there and she likes to have at least one human in her line of sight, just to remind herself that she isn’t alone.
It also helps that the person behind the front desk tonight is Lexa Woods and the brunette is nothing short of beautiful. Clarke waves at her from across the room, and Lexa smiles back in acknowledgement. She is wearing her hair up in a messy bun, reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, and her tongue peeks out every so often to wet her lips as she reads.
Clarke eventually opens her books and flips open her laptop with a sigh, pulling up her lab report due for tomorrow. She reads over her notes taken in class, double checks some of her calculations and types out her report; it’s a long, arduous process for someone who hates numbers with a passion, but after two hours or so she’s finally getting there.
‘Clarke, hey!’
The blonde whips around in her chair at the sound of a familiar but unwelcome voice.
‘Finn?!’ She chokes out.
A cold shiver creeps up her spine at the sight of his floppy dark hair and reddened face - he’s been drinking, she can tell by the look in his eyes and the smell of beer. Even from a distance, she can smell him.
‘You’re here!’ He says, slightly slurred. ‘I was surprised I didn’t see you at Phi Delta Chi tonight. I went up to your dorm but no one answered the door.’
‘I have to work, Finn.’
‘Oh come on, it’s Thursday night!’ He whines, stepping closer.
He reaches an arm towards her, as if expecting her to take his hand and follow him wherever, but Clarke recoils.
‘I’m busy. What do you want?’ She says coolly.
‘I won’t disturb you for too long. I’ve thought about you all summer. I think we should get back together, I really do.’
‘What makes you think that? What part of “it’s over” did you not understand exactly?!’
She can feel her voice shake even as she’s trying to keep her tone down, but Finn doesn’t seem to back off.
‘Come on, Clarke! It’s been four months! You’re the best I ever had.’
‘Leave me alone.’ She says as firmly as she can.
‘’No, listen!’ Finn insists. ‘I’ve changed, I’ve grown, and I’m ready to give us another try.’
He pulls up a chair and sits down next to Clarke, invading her personal space and reeking of beer. It triggers a fight or flight response within her. She can feel her heart hammering in her chest.
‘Finn-’
She doesn’t have time to finish her sentence, because Lexa shows up behind him. Her arms are crossed upon her chest and there’s a frown on her habitually friendly face.
‘Hey.’ She calls out, loud enough to make Finn switch his focus away from Clarke. ‘This is a library. A quiet space for students who want to work. Please, leave now.’
‘Clarke, can you step outside for a minute. We need to talk-’
‘Leave right now, or I’ll call campus security.’ Lexa repeats louder, not flustered in the slightest by Finn’s sweaty-drunk mop of hair.
He reluctantly gets up from his chair and makes his way out of the library, throwing Lexa a glare as he walks past her. As soon as she hears the door close, Clarke breaks out into a panic attack.
‘Hey, hey, it’s okay.’ Lexa says, crouching awkwardly so her eyes are level with Clarke’s. ‘He’s gone, you’re okay.’
‘I- I don’t even know h-how he got my room number.’
‘Breathe, just breathe with me.’ Lexa says, her soft and calming voice filtering through the pounding in Clarke’s ears. ‘You’re okay, Clarke.’
Clarke tries to focus. She tries to pay attention to the warmth of Lexa’s hand on top of hers, to the way her chest rises and falls, to the soothing words she is whispering; she’s sure they make sense, but her mind is still too clouded in panic and Lexa’s voice sounds too far away. She’s vaguely aware that Lexa has placed her hand on her own chest so that she can follow her breathing, and Clarke struggles for a bit before doing just that. The cotton fabric of her sweater feels comforting under her palm.
‘That’s good. Nice and slow.’
‘I’m sorry, it’s just so stupid-’
‘No, you’re fine. Don’t apologize. Are you okay?’ The brunette asks, placing Clarke’s hand back into her lap.
‘Yeah, I, uh, I’m going to go home now. It’s late.’
The girl’s eyes -a striking shade of green- search hers for any lingering distress, but Clarke keeps her head down as she gathers her books and laptop into her bag. Clarke has had enough of a roller-coaster of emotions, she doesn’t need to add the embarrassment of Lexa seeing her cry on top of it.
‘Do you want me to walk you back? I was going to close soon anyways.’ Lexa offers, head tilted to the side.
‘My roommate is waiting for me.’ Clarke lies. ‘I should go. I live right across the street anyways. Stein Hall.’
With her bag slung over her shoulder, she hurries out of the library with barely one last glance to Lexa, before breaking down into sobs.