Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The ride home from the department store was awkward as Kyungsoo changed in the back of Baekhyun’s car. Kyungsoo kept trying to shield his body and Baekhyun found it very funny. He could not be less interested in seeing Kyungsoo’s body.

He was more interested in something else.

“So...you and Jongin?” Baekhyun started.

He glanced at the rearview mirror where Kyungsoo was zipping up the pants.

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything. Baekhyun realized in the 30 minutes they’d spent together that Kyungsoo wasn’t very talkative. It made him more curious about what went on in his head. 

“I have to say, Jongin has great taste. You’re cute.” Baekhyun kept talking in hopes of getting some sort of response. 

Still nothing. Baekhyun decided to take a more honest approach.

“You know, Jongin was really torn up when you didn’t talk to him for weeks. It was annoying to see him check his phone every 2 minutes.” Baekhyun looked at the rearview mirror again. Kyungsoo was biting his lip and looking down at his lap. “He wasn’t even answering my booty calls.”

“B-booty calls?” Kyungsoo asked.

Baekhyun laughed. “Out of everything I just said, that’s the one thing you want to reply to?”

Since Kyungsoo didn’t respond, Baekhyun continued, “Don’t worry. Jongin and I haven’t slept together for years. I was just teasing you.”

“You slept with Jongin?” Kyungsoo asked.

Baekhyun hesitated to answer. He knew Jongin would kill him if he said too much. But it was so much fun to tease Kyungsoo. Just as fun as Jongin had mentioned.

“Don’t think anything of it.” Baekhyun checked his phone. They were 5 minutes from Kyungsoo’s apartment. “He hasn’t even looked at anyone else since he met you. Are you a witch or something? Did you cast a spell on him?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun sighed. “You mean you haven’t noticed those puppy eyes Jongin gets when he looks at you? Both of you are so oblivious.”

“Oblivious about what?” Kyungsoo leaned forward so his hand was resting on the head of Baekhyun’s driver seat.

“That you are both in like.” Baekhyun said. “By the way, it was cute, watching you try to make Jongin jealous.”

“I was not trying to do that!” Kyungsoo protested.

Baekhyun laughed. 

‘ Is this guy seriously older than Jongin? He’s too cute.’

“Okay, whatever you say.” Baekhyun replied, obviously unconvinced. “Is this your place?”

They arrived at the apartment complex.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo reached for the bag with his soiled pants. 

Baekhyun stopped him. “Leave it. I’ll make Jongin dry clean them.”

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo muttered. It had to be the most embarrassing thing that had happened to him ever. He’d cum in his pants like some desperate, uninhibited teenager. He was glad that he’d gotten new pants. He just hoped his mother wouldn’t notice.

“Hold on.” Baekhyun stopped him again. “Can I tell you something?”

Kyungsoo nodded.

Baekhyun debated whether or not to say what he wanted to say. Kyungsoo looked at him waiting to hear Baekhyun’s words.

If Kyungsoo told Jongin, Jongin would have a fit. The words got stuck in Baekhyun’s mouth for some seconds but in the end he couldn’t stop himself from saying what he had to say. 

“Jongin is one of my closest friends. He seems like a player but he’s a big softie. He’s very sensitive. And...I know that he likes you. I don’t want to get involved in your business but whatever is going on between you two seems complicated because of his brother and all.”

Baekhyun rambled. Kyungsoo continued to stare. It was a blank stare; Kyungsoo’s eyes were distant as if he were thinking about something else.

Baekhyun sighed, his unknowingly tense shoulders dropped, and he said, “Just don’t string him along. He’ll be crushed.”

Kyungsoo opened his mouth several times as if he was going to say something but he shook his head to himself, dropped his gaze to his lap, and just replied, “Thanks for the ride.”

And he left.

Baekhyun hoped that Kyungsoo would make the right choice. Whatever that would look like in this bizarre predicament.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Kyungsoo felt shaken after that car ride. It was one thing to scold himself over his foolish decisions but it was another thing for someone to point out that he needed to get it together. As if he didn’t hear enough of that at home.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he was finally back in his apartment but it was short-lived as his mother emerged from her room.

“You’re back early,” She said.

Kyungsoo didn’t want to deal with it. He tried to play it off coolly. “I felt a little sick and one of Jongin’s friends was already on his way out.”

Kyungsoo’s mother narrowed her eyes. “A friend of Jongin’s?”

“Yes, a friend of Jongin’s.” Kyungsoo realized he shouldn’t have said that. 

“Why were you getting a ride from a stranger? You should have called me. I would have gone to pick you up.” His mother’s eyebrows were creased and she was beginning to take that stance that Kyungsoo recognized all too well. The one where she was about to give him a lecture.

Kyungsoo sighed. “It’s not a big deal. I made it back safely.”

“Not a big deal? You don’t know what kind of dangers are out there. You just don’t realize these things because you’re young and you think you're invincible. Jongin’s ‘friend’ could have been a careless driver or offered you drugs or--”

Kyungsoo’s muscles tightened. He felt pressure in his temples and closed his eyes. 

‘ Leave me alone!’ Kyungsoo wanted to shout. 

Instead, he opened his eyes and looked at the floor with shame and angry tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” The words fell out of his mouth. A habit. A reflex.

His mother clicked her tongue. “You’re too old to act so irresponsibly.”

‘ I am too old. Too old for this.’ 

“I’m sorry.” He said again, blinking away the hot tears that pooled in his eyes.

His mother sighed. “We’ll talk about this later. I don’t have the energy.” She waved him away.

Kyungsoo’s temples pulsed. Kyungsoo felt so unbelievably drained emotionally and physically. He was the one that felt devoid of energy. Too empty to argue like every other time his parents talked down to him as if he were a dog. 

Kyungsoo calmly walked to his room and closed the door. He slumped against the door. He needed a nap.

He walked over to his drawer and pulled out a pair of loose shorts and a large t-shirt. He unbuttoned his new pair of pants and kicked them away. Once he was dressed in his new outfit, he simply fell onto his bed and put his phone next to his pillow. The phone flashed a couple of times.

Who could it be this time? An angry Junmyeon? A worried Jongin?

Kyungsoo didn’t have the energy to care.

He was out in a matter of minutes.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Some time around 11pm Kyungsoo woke up, groggy and disoriented. His room was humid and dark. The TV in the living room was on and there was the clinking of dishes in the sink. Background noise.

Kyungsoo rubbed his eyes. His mother and father were talking to each other. 

It was a murmur at first but as Kyungsoo sat up in bed and woke from his nap he could hear more clearly.

“...very disobedient…” That was his mother.

“...at my age…” That was his father.

Kyungsoo got up and tiptoed to the door. He opened it enough to get a peek at his parents' figures in view. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light.

“He’s grown to be very irresponsible. I cannot believe what a terrible job we’ve done.” His mother shook her head.

“He doesn’t have as many responsibilities as we did at his age. I think he’s spoiled.” His father also shook his head.

“I’m sure he’s picked up some bad habits at that university. All those artsy kids--it was a mistake to let him go there.”

“I still cannot believe he chose that art school instead of the engineering school. All his high school teachers thought the same. He definitely won’t be able to take care of himself in the future. Especially with that attitude.”

“It’s our fault for giving him so much freedom.”

Freedom.

Kyungsoo shut the door. His hand trembled. His mind screamed at him to barge out there and yell at his parents. 

‘ This is freedom? This jail cell of a home is supposed to be freedom?’

His hand twitched for the doorknob but it dropped. Like a dog, he was trained to obey. Even when his brain urged him to go on and stand up for himself his body refused to follow along with his thoughts. He was so conditioned to literally stay in his place that he couldn’t will himself to move.

Instead, he sat down on his bed and absentmindedly reached for his phone. He turned on the screen and saw some missed calls from Junmyeon. He deleted the notification.

There was another message from Chanyeol asking about his day. He’d reply later.

The latest notification came just an hour ago from Jongin. It was a missed call with a voicemail.

Kyungsoo clicked on the voicemail and raised his phone to his ear.

“ Hey...um...okay this is awkward. I’ve never left a voicemail before...Um. Sorry? I think? Do you want to talk or something? We should talk maybe. Also, I have your pants. They’re not clean yet. Baek gave them--I mean Baekhyun gave them to me so don’t worry I got them...Yeah. Hope you’re okay? Stupid question. What the fuck am I saying? Ah, I messed up. How do I delete th--”

The message ended. Kyungsoo lowered the phone from his ear and stared at it. He had an idea. The type of idea he usually pushed deep down into his mind and avoided. It was a strange idea. It was a dangerous one too. 

He opened his messages and scrolled down to the thread he’d ignored for weeks.

He typed a quick message.

>>No time to explain but can you come pick me up?

omw<<

Kyungsoo dropped his phone in his lap. After thinking about what he was about to do, he felt a rush of adrenaline. He sucked in a deep breath and felt his shoulders tense.

He slipped his phone into the pockets of his shorts. He got up and paced twice. The TV was off. There was only the occasional rustle of his parents getting ready for bed. 

Kyungsoo waited with anticipation, his fingers tapping against his thigh. He heard his parents close their bedroom door and he breathed a sigh of relief. 

At that moment his phone vibrated in his pocket. He didn’t bother looking at it. He simply opened his door and walked as quietly as he could to make his escape.

The front door made a small creaking as he opened it. He looked over his shoulder but there was no sign of his parents. Kyungsoo hurried out the door and nervously tapped his foot while he waited for the elevator. He looked over his shoulder again, expecting his parents to barge out the front door any second.

The ping of the elevator doors startled him. He went inside and pressed the button for the basement floor. This was almost too easy of a get away. He’d think about the consequences later.

The moment he stepped out into the ground basement, where all the apartment complex residents parked, he spotted the bright headlights. He took two steps forward. He still had time to change his mind. 

But he didn’t want to.

He walked to the car and got in, buckling his seatbelt and keeping his gaze straight ahead. 

“Are you going to look at me or are you going to sit there like I’m kidnapping you?”

Kyungsoo looked to the side without moving his head. The thoughts in his head were a tangled mess. How could they not be when Jongin was looking that great. 

Kyungsoo had changed into something different than he’d worn at the party earlier. It was a pair of jeans and a wrinkled t-shirt. Kyungsoo realized he was wearing unflattering clothes in comparison to Jongin who was still wearing clothes fit for a party. 

Jongin sighed, breaking Kyungsoo out of his thoughts. “At least tell me where you want to go.”

“Anywhere.” Kyungsoo looked straight again. “I just need to be somewhere else.”

“ Anywhere .” Jongin repeated to himself quietly. He began to drive.

Kyungsoo’s body melted the further away from his apartment he got. Jongin didn’t say anything as they drove through the dark suburbs of Seoul. When they got closer to the center of the city, the bright lights illuminated the inside of the car.

Kyungsoo turned to look at Jongin who was driving with one hand on the steering wheel. His other hand rested on his own lap. 

“Where are we going?” Kyungsoo asked. It occurred to him that they were driving in an active part of the city and he feared they would end up in a bar. He was hardly dressed for nightlife. Or for any scope of life really. 

“Anywhere.” Jongin said and he motioned at the empty streets and glittering buildings. He kept his eyes on the road. 

“Funny.” Kyungsoo replied. He relaxed into the seat. Despite the fact that he’d disobeyed one of the biggest rules in his household, he felt calm. 

“Funnier than calling your boyfriend’s brother in the middle of the night to come pick you up for no apparent reason?” Jongin took a jab. He still kept his eyes on the road.

Kyungsoo didn’t know what to make of that statement. He retorted, “No but probably as funny as kissing your brother’s boyfriend.”

Jongin snorted. Kyungsoo kept his eyes on Jongin, wondering what he’d say next.

“I’d say we’ve done more than kissing.” Jongin looked at Kyungsoo for a split second and Kyungsoo shivered. It went down his spine and he closed his eyes to concentrate. He was trying to will away the involuntary hotness in his face before Jongin noticed he was as red as a tomato.

The bright city lights faded and they drove along the Han River. Jongin drove into a parking lot of a park that ran along the river. This area was quite dark but across the body of water were the faint twinkling lights of some office buildings.

Jongin turned off the car and pointed at the park area. 

“Here it is: anywhere.”

Kyungsoo sighed. He got out of the car and walked into the grassy area. The reflection of the moon beamed in the dark river water. He sat down on the grass. The river made the air feel cooler. 

Jongin sat down in the grass next to him.

“Can you tell me why you called me to come pick you up?” Jongin asked.

“Can you tell me why you came right away?” Kyungsoo asked.

“I asked you first.” Jongin replied.

“Fair.” Kyungsoo pulled some grass out of the ground and threw it. “I needed to get away.”

“Why?” 

Kyungsoo pulled some more grass but this time he rolled it in between his fingers. He liked the sound of the river gently moving along.

“Parents,” Kyungsoo said. “I heard them saying some things about me. It really pissed me off.”

“I see,” Jongin said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Kyungsoo lied.

“It’s not.” Jongin shook his head. “Whatever it is they said, I’m sure it’s not true.”

“How can you be so sure?” Kyungsoo wanted to understand Jongin. He wanted to understand his unwarranted kindness. 

“Because…” Jongin started. He paused, then said, “You’re a very patient person. You’re kind. You’re helpful. If they said something about you that made you upset enough to call me of all people for help, then it must’ve been pretty bad.” 

“It’s not like that.” Kyungsoo didn’t like the implication of Jongin’s words. “I wasn’t desperate or anything. I just had a feeling you would come. That you’d help.”

“Why me?” Jongin asked.

“What are you asking me?” Kyungsoo replied as soon as Jongin breathed the last word. 

“Why didn’t you call my brother?”

“I don’t know.” Kyungsoo answered truthfully.

“Do you like me?” Jongin asked.

“I don’t know?” Kyungsoo answered, unsure of it himself. Did he?

“What is this? What are we doing?” Jongin asked. The second question didn’t feel like it was being directed at Kyungsoo.

“I don’t know…” Kyungsoo felt his nails digging into his palm. He hadn’t realized he’d been slowly clenching his fist. When he opened his palm, smears of green grass painted his hand. It would definitely itch later. “Can I ask you some questions? This feels like an interview.”

Jongin said, “Yes.”

“Why did you come right away?”

Jongin sighed. He laid down on his back with his hands behind his head and he stared up at the sky. Kyungsoo looked over at his moonlit face.

“Because I like you.”

Kyungsoo turned away. He felt embarrassed by the sudden and direct confession. He also felt the familiar flutter in his abdomen thinking about how Jongin liked him . 

“The moon is pretty.” Jongin said. “I wish we could see more stars in the city.”

Kyungsoo looked up and felt a strain in his neck. He resigned to lying down as well. He continued to avoid looking over at Jongin. He feared what would happen if their eyes met. He feared what he would feel.

Kyungsoo focused on the few stars visible in the sky.

“When I was younger,” Jongin began, “My parents used to take Junmyeon and I to the countryside to visit my grandparents. The stars there were very bright.”

Kyungsoo tried to imagine the prim and proper Kim family in the countryside. It was an impossible image to conjure. 

Jongin continued, “When all our family gathered there for Chuseok, we’d sleep in one room and stay up late telling each other ghost stories. I always covered my ears because I’d have nightmares about decapitated ghosts and cry to our mom about it. Junmyeon would poke fun in front of our cousins but he’d ask me in the morning if I was okay. He’s always been like that.”

“Do you think…we could work out? Junmyeon and I.” Kyungsoo asked. The question fell out of his mouth. 

Jongin sighed. “You and Junmyeon are not too different.”

Kyungsoo felt that comment squeeze his heart until he forgot to breathe. He didn’t appreciate the comparison. 

“Junmyeon is trapped by his responsibilities and expectations. He follows rules without a question. He doesn’t like to deviate from the grand life plan my parents laid out for him.”

“I suppose that plan doesn’t include me.” Kyungsoo thought out loud.

“It’s not that, Kyungsoo.” Jongin clarified. “He hates unknowns. And you are a known to him. You are Kyungsoo, the responsible student with traditional parents and kind manners. He loves you. Our parents love you. They love Kyungsoo the known. You fit into his life plan. You are a perfect fit.”

“And you? I suppose you like knowing you’ve got me all figured out like the rest of them.” Kyungsoo closed his eyes and focused on the light wind that brushed against his hot cheeks. His heart was beating against his chest and he felt scared to hear Jongin’s words. 

“No, Kyungsoo.” Jongin said. “You are a mystery to me. I’ve got glimpses of your unknowns but there’s so much left to discover. You’re more than what your parents think. So much more than what Junmyeon thinks.”

“But?” Kyungsoo feels the rest of Jongin’s thoughts hanging in the air over the gentle flow of the river. 

“You hide behind rules. Your parents have you in a cage but they’ve given you the key and you refuse to leave. You just sit there patiently and wait for your next meal. Sometimes it’s frustrating to watch because you could be so much more if you just pushed a little. If you were less scared.”

“Now you just sound like Junmyeon.” 

“Kyungsoo…” 

Kyungsoo braved it and looked at Jongin. As he suspected, Jongin was already looking at him. Their eyes locked but instead of feeling a flutter, Kyungsoo felt anger. Jongin was looking at him the same way that Chanyeol looked at him when he said that he couldn’t go out to the club meetings in their first year of uni. 

“And if I hide behind rules?” Kyungsoo challenged. “Is it any better than you? You hide behind this aloof character. If you don’t care about anything you can’t get hurt, right? Well, people like me, we care. I care a lot about everything. I can’t help it. My parents care so much that they try to manage everything in my life. Your parents? They should probably care more. Maybe then, they wouldn’t have a son who is actively trying to fuck his own brother’s boyfriend.”

Kyungsoo regretted his words. Jongin closed his eyes and turned away from Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo said. 

“We shouldn’t talk anymore.” Jongin said. He sat up and his elbows rested on his knees. His head hung in between his legs.

Kyungsoo wants to say, “I’m sorry. I am so sorry for being a huge insecure jerk. When I’m with you, my stomach does backflips and I can’t look at anything else. It’s exciting and I want to explore us. I’m scared of breaking rules but I want to break all of them with you.”

But instead he mutters, “Yeah.”

And after 5 minutes of silence, Jongin and Kyungsoo leave the river behind and Jongin drops Kyungsoo off back at his apartment. 

When Kyungsoo enters the apartment, he’s greeted by eerie darkness followed by the creak of the floorboards. 

“Kyungsoo, is that you?” It was his mother’s voice.

He was back home.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

For the first time since Kyungsoo got a failing grade on his Algebra midterm in secondary school, he was unofficially grounded. At his grown age, he was confined to his room. Although his parents never explicitly said that he needed to stay home or he was forbidden from going out, their menacing glares said it all.

His mother was less than happy to see Kyungsoo sneaking back home a couple of days before. Kyungsoo lowered his head while she ranted about the dangers of city nightlife.

It wasn’t as if Kyungsoo wanted to go anywhere anyway. Chanyeol was on vacation with some school friends. He’d ignored Junmyeon’s calls.

And Jongin…

He hadn’t heard from him for days. It was no surprise considering they parted icily. Kyungsoo hated that. But he just thought to himself, ‘What can I do? Things were meant to be this way.’

Kyungsoo was once again confined to his “cage”.

So, he was surprised when Junmyeon showed up with a bouquet of flowers. And he was even more surprised that his mother allowed Junmyeon to come into his room.

Kyungsoo believed it was probably because he hadn’t showered in 3 days and his mother was probably feeling somewhat guilty. He saw it as an olive branch. Unfortunately, his mother didn’t know that Kyungsoo didn’t want to see any of the Kim brothers right now. Now he was forced to face Junmyeon after he’d avoided him.

“Kyungsoo…” Junmyeon opened the door. “I’m coming in.”

Kyungsoo sat up on his bed where he’d been moping for almost a week. This wasn’t how he’d imagined having Junmyeon for the first time. He’d figured it would be something more romantic. Possibly having Junmyeon over for dinner so Junmyeon could talk to his parents. They’d all chat about Junmyeon’s successful career and his parents would allow Junmyeon to ask for Kyungsoo’s hand in marriage.

That was once his dream.

“I was worried.” Junmyeon sighed when he saw Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo felt guilty, watching Junmyeon’s shoulders drop as he scanned Kyungsoo's room and Kyungsoo’s bed. 

“You didn’t have to come see me.”

“You weren’t answering my texts or calls and that last time we talked I was a huge asshole. I completely crossed the line and it’s been eating me all week.” Junmyeon set down the bouquet on Kyungsoo’s desk.

Kyungsoo admired the brightly colored flowers but felt guilty when the memory of his kiss with Jongin graced his mind. He faintly recalled the taste of peaches.

Junmyeon sat down next to Kyungsoo. “I thought your parents would chase me out with a broomstick. I’m glad I was able to convince your mom. She obviously prefers Jongin though because she kept asking about him.”

Kyungsoo tensed at the mention of Jongin but he quickly released in fear that Junmyeon would notice his physical reaction. Thankfully, Junmyeon seemed more concerned with the pile of dirty clothes on Kyungsoo’s desk chair. 

Kyungsoo didn’t know what to say. How could he explain his avoidant behavior? Sure, he was momentarily upset with Junmyeon during the party. However, the dalliance with his brother was more pressing.

“Can you say something? I was such an ass and I hate knowing that I made you feel so shitty.”

“Please don’t curse.” Kyungsoo whispered. 

Junmyeon sighed in relief. “Yes of course. Sorry, baby.”

Kyungsoo looked at Junmyeon and offered a small, pitiful smile.

“I missed you so much babe. I swear I didn’t mean anything I said. You are the most intelligent and responsible person I know. I had no right.” Junmyeon grabbed Kyungsoo’s hands. “Can you accept my apology? I can get on my knees right now if you want.”

“Stop that.” Kyungsoo sighed and pulled his hands away. “Of course I forgive you. I forgave you that same day. I just needed some time.”

“Okay.” Junmyeon looked around. “Is something going on with your family? You look so down. Is that why you haven’t replied?”

“Please, I–” Kyungsoo stopped himself from saying more. Every additional second that Junmyeon spent sitting next to him, Kyungsoo’s anxiety increased. 

“Yes?”

“This isn’t about you. I couldn’t talk to you. That’s why I didn’t reply. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.” Kyungsoo gripped the bedsheets at his sides. His palms were sweaty.

“Why? What happened?” Junmyeon inched closer, concern in his voice. At that moment, he was the exact opposite of Kyungsoo. He was clean. Kyungsoo felt like a rat living in a filthy burrow in his presence. 

“I don’t think you should be here, Junmyeon.” Kyungsoo said, hoping Junmyeon wouldn’t push the issue. He wanted time to wallow in his self-pity.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Junmyeon asked. He was about to reach for Kyungsoo’s hands but stopped himself when Kyungsoo flinched. “Did I do something else? I’m so sorry–”

“No.” Kyungsoo interrupted. “You didn’t do anything. You’ve been amazing. You always have.”

“So, then…?” Junmyeon looked around the room once more. “Please tell me what’s going on because I’m going crazy trying to figure out how to get you to look at me.”

“I don’t think now is the time. Can we talk about this later?” Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough, Junmyeon would disappear and he wouldn’t have to deal with anyone for another week or month or hopefully year.

“Just tell me. I deserve to know things about your life. We’re not strangers. We’re adults in a relationship. Can we have an adult conversation? Don’t shut me out.” 

Kyungsoo said, “I cheated on you.”

“What?” Junmyeon shook his head as if he were trying to clear his ears.

“I said that we should talk later. This is the worst time at the worst place to talk about this. I feel so ridiculous right now.”

Junmyeon stood up and paced. “Fuck. Tell me you’re lying.”

Kyungsoo felt the sting of tears. He hated it. He hated that this was happening.

“I kissed someone else.”

“Kyungsoo…” Junmyeon groaned. “Please tell me this is a joke.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck.” Junmyeon cursed again. He stopped pacing and kneeled before Kyungsoo. “Look at me.”

Kyungsoo looked at Junmyeon, his vision blurred by the tears that were threatening to fall.

“You cheated on me?”

“Yes.” Kyungsoo affirmed.

“Who?” Junmyeon asked. 

Kyungsoo swallowed. “I can’t tell you. It won’t make a difference.”

“Was it Chanyeol?”

“What? No.” Kyungsoo would have laughed if the situation weren’t serious.

“Someone from school?”

“I’m not going to tell you. It doesn’t matter. Let’s leave it at that.” Kyungsoo looked at the flowers. “You should go. I’m really sorry.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I need to understand this.” Junmyeon’s voice cracked. “How long were you going to wait until you told me? How long ago did this even happen?”

“It’s better to part ways now. The less you know the better it’ll be.”

Junmyeon stood up and sat back down next to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo hated the silence. He would have preferred if Junmyeon yelled at him and slammed the door and left. But Junmyeon’s silence was too much. 

“Okay.” Junmyeon finally said. A small sniffle followed the statement. Kyungsoo hated knowing that Junmyeon was crying. He refused to look at him otherwise he’d break and tell him everything. The peach kiss, Jongin’s room–everything.

“Junmyeon, I’m really sorry.”

“We’ll get over this. It happens. I get it.”

“What?” Kyungsoo was confused. Those weren’t the words he expected to hear. He was positive that Junmyeon would break up with him then.

“You’re absolutely right. The less I know, the better.”

“You don’t have to forgive me.”

“I haven’t.” Junmyeon said coldly. It sent a shiver down Kyungsoo’s spine. “I need time to think.”

“You don’t have to stay with me. If you want to break up with me, I understand. I did something terrible.”

Junmyeon said, “I want to be with you. I want to continue this. I need time but I don’t want to break up.”

“I see.” Kyungsoo said. Did he feel disappointed? He didn’t want to explore that feeling. He wanted to feel relieved. Instead, he felt burdened.

“This is fucked up.”

“I’m sorry. “Kyungsoo apologized again.

Junmyeon stood up. “I’m going home.”

Kyungso awkwardly followed him to his bedroom door.

“I’m going to take some days but we’ll talk about this later.” Junmyeon looked dazed. Kyungsoo didn’t like the feeling of being responsible for Junmyeon’s distress. 

“Please get home safe.” Kyungsoo said softly. He kept his eyes on the floor. He was too ashamed to look at Junmyeon.

Junmyeon left without another word and Kyungsoo closed the door. Even though Kyungsoo had just admitted to Junmyeon that he had cheated, he felt like a huge liar. The web of lies seemed to get more tangled.

Kyungsoo stared at the bouquet and grabbed it. He put it on the floor under the desk so he wouldn’t have to see it when he got into bed to cry.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

One week into his last semester of uni, Kyungsoo felt like life was returning to some kind of normal. His mother wasn’t glaring at him across the dinner table, Junmyeon was calling him “babe” more often, and Chanyeol…Chanyeol had always been the blessed constant in his life.

“You look like a prisoner of war. When was the last time you slept more than 4 hours?” had been the first thing Chanyeol said to Kyungsoo after coming back from his trip.

Kyungsoo had recounted the conversation with Jongin and the argument with Junmyeon, crying through it all while Chanyeol handed him tissues.

Kyungsoo spent the rest of his brief summer break chastising himself for being a terrible human being and apologizing to Junmyeon with kind gestures in the form of food and attention.

“Why are you still with him?” Chanyeol had asked one evening when they were taking a stroll in the neighborhood.

Kyungsoo didn’t respond. He just thought to himself, ‘ Because I owe it to him .’

Kyungsoo hadn’t heard from Jongin and he had done everything possible to avoid visits to Junmyeon’s house. Junmyeon wasn’t dying to have him over anyway so it was an easy task to accomplish. Kyungsoo almost wondered if he’d imagined the whole ordeal with Jongin.

The sense of normalcy and calm soon came crashing down when a month into the semester, Kyungsoo attended a guest lecture. 

The lecture hall was packed with students from nearby schools. The event was open to other art schools so it was being held in the biggest lecture hall on campus.

Students from other schools with smaller performing arts departments flocked to see the panel of speakers which included top industry producers and there were rumors that an idol would be making a surprise appearance. Kyungsoo knew this wasn’t true as a classmate who worked with the lecture fund revealed they had spread the rumor on purpose to draw more attention.

Clearly, it had worked because all the seats were filled and some students had to stand in the back of the hall. Kyungsoo was one of the unlucky ones who was standing. There was no hope for finding a seat as the event had yet to begin but he was already standing shoulder to shoulder with other students. He’d have left if one of his professors hadn’t promised extra credit for attending the event. 

Then he spotted him . Kyungsoo gripped the program in his hands. 

Kim Jongin was sitting a couple rows ahead of where Kyungsoo was standing. Jongin’s back was turned to him but he caught a glimpse of Jongin’s side profile when Jongin turned to talk with someone sitting next to him. Kyungsoo was glad Jongin hadn’t noticed his presence. Kyungsoo mentally planned his escape so he didn’t accidentally bump into him at the end of the lecture.

His plans were thwarted when a loud classmate squeezed into the lecture hall, saw Kyungsoo, and bellowed, “Do Kyungsoo! Did you also come for the extra credit assignment?”

Kyungsoo watched with horror as Jongin’s back straightened and head turned, looking around the room. 

“Yes,” Kyungsoo answered meekly as he tried to bury his face in the program.

“Of course, you’d be here,” his classmate replied loudly. Kyungsoo winced, hoping that Jongin hadn’t heard the loud voice. 

It was pointless as Jongin finally looked in his direction.

They locked eyes and Kyungsoo sucked in a breath. Jongin squinted at first and then his eyes widened. Kyungsoo broke eye contact.

“Excuse me,” Kyungsoo couldn’t stay. He squeezed in between people and made his way to the exit right behind him. He managed to exit the lecture hall and walked briskly, trying to get away as far as possible. 

The door to the lecture hall continuously opened and closed as students entered. Kyungsoo didn’t dare look back in fear that Jongin would be following him. But when he looked over his shoulder, there was no sign of Jongin.

He breathed a sigh of relief. It was short-lived as he came face to face with Jongin. He gasped in surprise.

“How–”

“The other exit,” Jongin said plainly.

“Nice seeing you,” Kyungsoo mumbled, hoping that would be the end of it all. He hoped in vain because Jongin blocked his path and then said:

“You didn’t tell Myeon.”

“Please, not now.”

“Kyungsoo, why didn’t you tell him you cheated on him with me?” Jongin seemed to be unaware of the people who walked back and stared at them curiously. Kyungsoo felt himself shrink but Jongin stood strong and unwavering.

“There was no point doing that to him.” Kyungsoo spoke in a hushed tone. Thankfully, the hall was not crowded anymore as most students were now in the lecture hall. There were some stragglers but they seemed more interested in getting to the event. 

Kyungsoo continued, “Now are you done? Are you done chastising me? Your brother has done enough of that so, please…stop.”

“You want people to treat you like a grown up but you can’t own up to your adult mistakes,” Jongin said, frustrated.

“You too?” Kyungsoo fumed. Jongin of all people was lecturing him. 

“Me too?” Jongin asked, confused. 

“Yes, criticizing me and my choices.” Kyungsoo almost hissed. His chest hurt as he felt a multitude of emotions overcome him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t make smart choices but everyone is pressuring me to do the right thing. Whatever that is. I just want to do what I want . Is that wrong? Can I just study music? Or go out past curfew and club with friends? Make out with you or break up with my perfect boyfriend? For once I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do!” Kyungsoo felt tears well in his eyes.

Jongin stood there, silent, eyes burning into Kyungsoo’s face. His eyebrows were furrowed and after seconds of silence he said, “You said ‘fuck’.”

Kyungsoo touched his own lips in surprise. He’d never cursed out loud. Had that come out of his own mouth? With that, he noticed he could breathe better and his heartbeat was returning to a normal pace (as normal as it could be with Jongin standing in front of him).

“Do you feel better now?” Jongin asked. 

Kyungsoo realized that he felt lighter after cursing like that. It was like something had been taken off his shoulders. For weeks he’d been trying to crawl back into his shell. He wanted Junmyeon to see him as the ideal boyfriend again. He wanted his parents to believe him incapable of sneaking out of the house. He wanted his best friend to spare him the judgmental stares.

However, in that moment, with Jongin staring at him with wide eyes and expectant raised eyebrows, he wanted to say “ fuck” again. He wanted to say it loudly and shamelessly.

“It felt… fucking great.” Kyungsoo said before he grabbed Jongin by the front of his t-shirt and pulled him down for a kiss. Jongin slipped into it naturally, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and tilting his head so Kyungsoo could kiss him properly. 

Kyungsoo loved the fullness of Jongin lips and how they pressed against his with a sense of urgency. Jongin breathed from his nose, fanning Kyungsoo’s face with a gust of warm air. They pulled apart and Jongin stared at Kyungsoo with a longing.

“I’ve been thinking about you all fucking month,” Jongin said. “And when Junmyeon–”

“Let’s not talk about him right now,” Kyungsoo interrupted Jongin.

“You need to break up with him,” Jongin said carefully. Kyungsoo pulled away from Jongin completely, slightly embarrassed that he’d just impulsively kissed Jongin. 

“I know,” Kyungsoo said. It was clearer now more than ever. “I will.”

“Okay,” Jongin replied. 

Kyungsoo wanted to kiss Jongin again but he refrained out of the remaining amount of respect he had for his torn relationship. He owed it to Junmyeon to end things before he went any further with Jongin.

Because he did want to go further with Jongin. His mind could explode with all the things he was imagining about doing with Jongin. If he thought about it any longer he would do something he regretted. 

First, he had to set things straight with Junmyeon.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Kyungsoo tapped his fingers against the table as he waited for Junmyeon to return. The café was not crowded. Kyungsoo wasn’t surprised since it was early on a Monday morning. All the university students who lived in the area were still sleeping off their hangovers before the first class of the day.

Junmyeon looked out of place in the little rustic cafe. The last time Kyungsoo and Junmyeon went to a cafe, Junmyeon took him to a minimalistic decor spot with marble counters and 3 items on the menu. 

“I brought you water,” Junmyeon said. He placed a glass of water in front of Kyungsoo.

“You shouldn–”

“Just take it,” Junmyeon said. He sat in front of Kyungsoo, crossing his legs and taking out his phone.

Junmyeon seemed unaware that Kyungsoo had a lot on his mind. Mainly that he was about to break up with Junmyeon. 

Kyungsoo had been tempted to just send Junmyeon a message and shut off his phone but he knew that Junmyeon deserved more than a break up message. Especially after Junmyeon had graciously agreed to try to work things out after he found out Kyungsoo had kissed another man.

Junmyeon moved his foot up and down, fidgeting as he scrolled through whatever app was more interesting than Kyungsoo’s glum face.

Kyungsoo had played out this conversation in his head several times. He’d practiced with Chanyeol over the phone. 

‘ I can’t do this .’

It was a lot to handle. He’d try again some other day.

Then he remembered the brief message he received from Jongin last night:

“Let me know how it goes.”

Jongin was waiting to hear from him. He couldn’t let him down. Not after he’d agreed to set things right with Junmyeon. If he waited another day or hour or minute he’d be doing Junmyeon a disservice. 

The words left Kyungsoo’s mouth before the rest of his body could prepare.

“Let’s break up.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

That night, Kyungsoo turned his phone off and he met with Jongin.

Jongin picked him up in his car. He had music blasting from the speakers and Kyungsoo had barely closed the door when the car sped off.

Kyungsoo rolled down the window and leaned back into the chair as the air went through his hair. There were no words exchanged. It was unnecessary to say anything. Their intentions permeated the atmosphere.

Kyungsoo didn’t know where Jongin was taking them to but he felt calm. He felt a still calm he hadn’t felt before.

Jongin parked in an empty lot by the river. It was 1am on a Tuesday. Most sensible people were at home, sleeping.

But the pair felt anything but sensible at that moment.

“I heard.”

What Jongin had heard didn’t need to be said out loud. Kyungsoo was aware of the events that took place earlier that day. He was also aware of the sense of relief that entered his body as soon as he finished things with Junmyeon.

“Do we need to talk about it too?” Kyungsoo asked. Now unsure what Jongin meant to say.

“Fuck no,” Jongin said. He undid his seatbelt and Kyungsoo followed. “But now I can do this without feeling like a piece of shit.”

Jongin swiftly took Kyungsoo’s face in his hands and closed the space between them. They kissed with the urgency of two lovers who had been away from each other for years.

It had felt as such when Kyungsoo couldn’t kiss Jongin without the looming afterthought that he was doing something he shouldn’t have.

This time was different.

Kyungsoo wasted no time in deepening the kiss. He felt lightheaded, almost forgetting to breathe as Jongin’s tongue entered his mouth. 

Jongin pulled away saying, “Wait, wait.”

Kyungsoo blushed, wondering if he had taken things too far. Had he misread things?

“The console is in the way. Let’s go to the back,” Jongin said.

Kyungsoo looked at the backseat and his heart thumped. There would be nothing separating them once he climbed back there. He could press up against Jongin. He could hug Jongin. He could straddle Jongin. 

His lips would have dried up had he not just had Jongin’s tongue exploring his mouth seconds ago.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo said and he carefully crawled into the backseat of the car. Jongin followed him.

Jongin stared at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo suddenly felt shy. He wondered if Jongin could see his erection in the dimly illuminated car.

“Come here,” Jongin commanded gently.

Kyungsoo did the first thing he wanted to do. He got on Jongin, straddling him and sitting on his lap. He then initiated their kiss again, this time slowly. He took his time as if it would be the last time he’d ever kiss Jongin and he needed to remember every second.

Jongin put his hands on Kyungsoo’s thighs and squeezed as he reciprocated the kiss eagerly.

Kyungsoo had never in his life felt such a strong urge to be with someone in every way possible. His entire body felt aflame with desire. And he could feel Jongin’s hardness pressing against his ass.

It riled him on and he began to move his hips back and forth in an effort to satiate his growing desires.

“I’ve been fucking dreaming of this,” Jongin said, his voice hoarse. 

Kyungsoo remembered the last time he’d been with Jongin like this. The memory of Jongin grinding against him and sucking on his neck. Kyungsoo increased the speed of his hips, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Jongin’s shoulder.

“What are you thinking about?” Jongin asked directly into Jongin’s ear.

“Last time,” Kyungsoo panted. It  wasn’t enough. Last time, emotions ran high. This time, Kyungsoo and Jongin ached for more.

It was enticingly terrifying for Kyungsoo who had never touched a dick beside his own.

Fuck . Kyungsoo’s dick felt full and he wanted Jongin.

“Last time? When I made you orgasm?”

Kyungsoo did not expect that blunt answer. As he said that, Jongin shifted his legs a bit and Kyungsoo could now feel even more of Jongin pressing against him.

Jongin felt exactly as he did. Engorged with want and aching with anticipation. 

But Kyungsoo wondered what Jongin looked like. What he tasted like.

If Kyungsoo thought any more he would lose his courage.

“C-can I try something?” Kyungsoo said, suddenly shy. His heart was still beating erratically in anticipation of what he wanted to do next.

“Yes, please.” Jongin breathed. “Anything.”

Kyungsoo gulped then licked his lips nervously before getting off Jongin to kneel on the car floor. It was a tight squeeze and the car’s console pressed against his back, but Kyungsoo was able to settle in between Jongin’s legs.

“Oh, fuck.” Jongin cussed. Kyungsoo’s hands now rested on Jongin’s thighs. 

“I’ve never…” Kyungsoo trailed off. “Please tell me how to do this.”

Jongin inhaled deeply and reached out to cup Kyungsoo’s cheek, trailing his fingers to the underside of Kyungsoo’s chin, his thumb resting on Kyungsoo’s bottom lip. 

“Tell me what you want,” Jongin said. “I need you to say it.”

“It’s embarrassing…” Kyungsoo tried to look down but Jongin firmly held his chin up so they could maintain eye contact. Despite the fact that it was mostly dark, Kyungsoo could see the glint of anticipation in Jongin’s eyes.

“I need to know how much you want this.” Jongin rasped gently, his thumb still resting on Kyungsoo’s lips.

“I…” Kyungsoo hesitated but then stammered, “I w-want to suck your dick…”

“That’s all I needed to hear, baby.” Jongin let go of Kyungsoo’s face and undid the button and zipper of his jeans. Jongin inched the jeans down a bit and his hardness was more apparent in his light-colored briefs. Kyungsoo’s skin prickled and he stared at the bulge. Jongin encouraged Kyungsoo and said, “You can touch it.”

Kyungsoo’s fingers trembled as he traced Jongin’s clothed erection. Jongin’s thigh muscles flexed when Kyungsoo unknowingly touched a sensitive spot. Kyungsoo stopped, momentarily fearful but Jongin’s half-lidded eyes and shaky breath coaxed him to continue.

Kyungsoo was so aware of his own arousal, tension coiling in his abdomen and bravery replacing his fear.

Kyungsoo decided he was ready. He grabbed the hem of Jongin’s briefs and he pulled them down to Jongin’s mid-thigh.

Jongin’s erection was impressive. Kyungsoo marveled at the vein that ran from the base of Jongin’s penis to almost the tip. There was a bit of precum gathering at the tip. Kyungsoo was sure his own erection was leaking in his pants.

However, Kyungsoo’s main focus was exploring Jongin. He wanted Jongin to feel the same way he did when Jongin grinded against him to completion.

“You’re making me feel a bit shy,” Jongin laughed a bit but he licked his lips nervously.

“What should I do?”

“Whatever you want,” Jongin said.

Kyungsoo thought about what he would like in that situation and he stuck his tongue out, tracing the vein from the base. Jongin shuddered with a heavy sigh and placed his hand on the back of Kyungsoo’s head.

Kyungsoo then stopped at the tip and wrapped his lips around the tip, sucking lightly. Jongin released another satisfied sigh.

“Use your hand,” Jongin encouraged Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo brought his hand to Jongin’s dick and wrapped his fingers around the base, unsure of what to do next. He just continued to suck weakly in fear that he’d hurt Jongin somehow.

Jongin put his hand around Kyungsoo’s and guided him to move it up and down in unison with Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“Spit on it,” Jongin said, his voice low.

Kyungsoo felt a hot flash throughout his entire body. Jongin’s voice, Jongin’s dick, Jongin’s guiding hands–he feared he would burst in his pants again.

Kyungsoo complied and took his mouth off Jongin to spit on the tip. The trail of saliva pooled at the tip and slowly slid down the length of his erection

“Holy shit,” Jongin groaned. “Look at me.”

Kyungsoo felt embarrassed but he did so. They locked eyes but Kyungsoo’s gaze wavered for a second.

“Keep looking at me,” Jongin said and used Kyungsoo’s spit to lubricate his entire length. He stroked himself, looking back and forth between Kyungsoo’s saliva-slicked lips and Kyungsoo’s expectant eyes. “You look so fucking hot right now.”

“Can I suck it again?” Kyungsoo asked. He was curious to taste again and feel the hot member on his tongue again. 

“Fuck,” Jongin cursed. “Yes. Please.”

Kyungsoo put his lips around Jongin again but this time he made an attempt to swallow more. He tried to take it all in but he choked when he engulfed just half of it.

Jongin winced and Kyungsoo stopped.

“What’s wrong?”

“Teeth,” Jongin said.

“I’m so sorry!” Kyungsoo exclaimed, mortified.

Jongin smiled lazily and reassured Kyungsoo it was fine.

Kyungsoo tried again while Jongin continued to stroke just the base. Kyungsoo bobbed his head to the rhythm of Jongin’s strokes, making sure to carefully conceal his teeth with his lips. He put his hand over Jongin’s and followed his motions.

Jongin removed his own hand and put both of his hands on the back of Kyungsoo’s head. He admired the view of Kyungsoo stroking his dick and sucking his dick. 

“You’re doing so good,” Jongin said. He didn’t realize how he’d been holding his breath until his voice came out as a tense whisper.

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and focused. He was enjoying sucking dick way more than he thought he would. He loved the challenge of syncing his hand and his mouth while he created a gentle suction around Jongin’s length. It was now wet and he loved hearing the occasional pop when he lost some of the grip with his mouth.

He knew he was doing something really right when Jongin let out an ah and thrust upward, pressing down on the back of Kyungsoo’s head. Kyungsoo didn’t mind even when he felt the tip touch the back of his throat and he gagged. 

Tears filled his eyes but he was spurred on to continue. He picked up the pace and sucked more tightly.

“Keep doing that,” Jongin gasped, his fingers tangling in Kyungsoo’s hair. 

Kyungsoo wondered if how he felt was how Jongin felt when Jongin had been coaxing him into orgasm. It was elating. 

Kyungsoo continued, opening his eyes. They were a bit watery as he was struggling not to gag again but he loved it. He loved the sense of control he had over Jongin’s orgasm and the sense of pleasure Jongin derived from said dynamic. 

He looked up at Jongin and Jongin looked down at him.

Jongin’s eyes were hooded and his eyebrows were scrunched with pleasure as Kyungsoo persisted. His chest was falling and rising as his breathing quickened.

“I’m almost there,” Jongin said, his voice airy as he tried to catch his breath. Kyungsoo sucking his dick looked better in real life than any fantasy his mind had tried to conjure.

Kyungsoo looked up at him with eyes that screamed they were eager to please. His hands were soft but tight around him and his mouth was perfectly hot and wet and tight. Kyungsoo’s bottom lashes were slightly wet with a hint of tears that Jongin could only imagine occurred when he’d almost choked around his dick.

Jongin held his breath as his abdomen tightened like a bunched up coil ready to pop. He felt faint as all his blood began to rush from his head.

His thighs tensed and his fingers grasped Kyungsoo’s hair tightly as he began to spasm, bucking his hips involuntarily as his dick throbbed.

“I’m coming!” Jongin’s head lolled back onto the headrest as he moaned airily.

Kyungsoo felt Jongin’s penis pulse in his mouth and his hot cum shot straight into his throat. At that point, Kyungsoo could barely distinguish between his own saliva and Jongin’s cum. He continued to suck, more gently as Jongin rode out the rest of his orgasm.

He stopped when Jongin’s hips slumped back into the car seat and his fingers loosened their hold on his hair.

Kyungsoo climbed back into the car seat and then he noticed the slight soreness in his jaw. The roof of his mouth felt funny and his tongue felt a bit numb. He hadn’t realized how much work went into giving someone else a blowjob.

When he looked over at Jongin, who was slowly regaining his breath, he felt proud of himself. He patted his hands dry on his shirt and wiggled his jaw.

After he recovered from the high of giving someone an orgasm, he became aware of his own erection. He looked down and noticed a small wet patch on the front of his sweatpants.

“It’s your turn now.”

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin whose eyes were focused on the wet patch on his sweatpants.

Jongin leaned in and gave Kyungsoo a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss and then he said, “I love the taste of me on you.”

Kyungsoo got goosebumps on his arm. He didn’t know it was possible to get even harder but he did get harder upon hearing those words. Painfully hard.

Jongin assumed the position Kyungsoo had previously taken and Kyungsoo’s hands trembled as he pulled down on the waistband of his sweatpants.

Jongin stopped him and asked, “Are you sure?”

Kyungsoo steadied his hands, took a deep breath, and nodded.

“Yes,” He answered. “I’m ready.”