Chapter Text
There were always questions. Getting away for a little while was doing him good, Steve could feel himself relax without the constant presence of the team or the opinions of his friends. Mostly without the constant reminders of his mistakes. Now Steve kept questioning himself, if he was so blind to Tony’s presence who knows what else he might have neglected. If he would have kept his focus on Bucky for so long that he missed the whole world ending.
Sam had a birthday back when they were all living together, Steve was still grieving over Tony to notice. He could start by fixing that.
“I feel like a king right now.” Sam said, his mouth half full of steak as the waiter refilled his glass. “What’s the occasion? Finally realized how hopelessly in love with me you are?”
It had been nice, returning to DC after spending that little while with the team. It wouldn’t be for long, just for Steve to spend this last month to clear his head and start getting ready for Tony’s decision. It wasn’t a sure thing, in fact he was almost certain Tony would turn him away once this was over.
“It’s time I stop this. I’m going to fix things. Make it right.” Steve said. “I thought I would start by taking you out and thank you for sticking by me.”
“So you got me steak, like a good best friend.” Sam said as he cut off another piece to shove into his mouth. He smiled as he looked around again, taking it all in. It wasn’t the fanciest steakhouse in the city, but it was Sam’s favorite. That was the most important thing. “So, what’s next on your path to making things right?”
Steve shrugged. He had a plan, probably not enough time to get everything right so he could celebrate having Tony back or handle his rejection. This was the last month. He had wasted five on self-pity and now he was done. Even if Tony moved on Steve had to make sure he didn’t hurt someone accidentally like that ever again.
“I’ll definitely visit Peggy while I’m here. She’s smarter than everyone I know put together.” Steve said. He looked down at his own meal, ribs and potatoes displayed averagely but tasted amazing. He mixed it around with his fork.
Sam chuckled. “Don’t let Tony and Bruce hear you say that.”
“Are you kidding? I’ll say it right to their faces.” Steve said.
The night was easy, peaceful. There was no pressure to try and pretend like they didn’t make mistakes, no excessive need to apologize for everything. Steve paid for Sam’s meal and Sam appreciated Steve’s company. It was nice.
Two men were thrown out for trying to start a bar fight, woman sang karaoke in the back, and the later it got the calmer they both became. Eventually, it was time to go home. Sam went back to his house and Steve to his old apartment. He hadn’t been there in a long time, having been living in either the tower or with Sam for over a year. Most of his stuff was gone, the rest covered in white tarps to protect it from dust. He had been saving the apartment as a safe house in case he needed to run away for a little while, not the smartest plan since it had been his actual home for a little while, but the familiarity was still comforting.
The living room had been repainted after the bullet holes in the wall was repaired. Steve hated the color. The fridge was empty and so were the cabinets. A few clothes were still in the closet, old jackets and shirts he never wore anymore. A pair of Tony’s shoes nestled in with his own on the floor. He ignored them and instead climbed into bed to go to sleep. He had a lot of work ahead of him.
~~~
“So what did you guys talk about?” Bucky asked, his voice echoing through the phone.
Steve sighed. “It’s confidential. Come on, I never make you talk about your therapy appointments.” Steve said, his tone just the right side of laid back. He was tired. The doctor wasn’t intimidating really, it was just that as Steve tried to find the words to describe what he had done and how it made him feel he got lost. He couldn’t find a way to say it, how to talk his way through it. “How are you doing in New York?”
“Normal, I guess. Kinda nice. I haven’t felt this normal in a while.” Bucky said. “I’m taking a pottery class. Natasha got me special gloves so the clay doesn’t get in the joints of my arm. I like it.”
Bucky continued on about the pots he made, how he put them in the kiln and painted them himself. He said most of them weren’t that great, the indents of his fingers were too visible and some parts of it were cracked and broken. He sounded excited though, happy in a way he never did in all the months Steve gave him all of his time and attention.
“I’m proud of you Buck.” Steve said. “You’ve come a long way. And I want to say I’m sorry.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. “Stevie, you didn’t do anything wrong to me.” Bucky said after a few short seconds, sounding confused and cautious. Perhaps he thought it was a trick, that how they stood on the world would fall apart if he said the wrong thing.
Maybe it would. Steve wasn’t sure. A year ago he would have said he never would have completely abandoned the love of his life for anyone. Five years ago he would have said that aliens didn’t exist. Times change, the world changes with it, and now things he never dreamed of happening are common occurrences. Maybe if someone just said the wrong words the whole planet would break to pieces.
“I’m trying to make apologies. I wasn’t good for you, I just shoved all my attention and expectations on you when you didn’t even know who you were. I’m sorry about that.” Steve said slowly.
Silence, Bucky didn’t answer him right away. Steve counted the seconds. “You’re an idiot.” Bucky said, laughing softly. “You were good with me. I was okay. And really, I was a bit needy too. It was just… I didn’t remember you. I kinda did, but not really. It’s like trying to remember an old film you watched when you were a little kid and couldn’t remember as an adult if it was real or not. You were vaguely familiar and gentle and friendly and I clung to that like nothing else. Maybe you would have gone to bed with your lover if I hadn’t demanded everything from you.”
“Buck, no. It wasn’t your fault.” Steve said. He could hear it, the grief in Bucky’s voice. “This one’s on me.”
“No. It’s not your fault either.” Bucky snapped. Steve didn’t know what to say. Bucky sounded angry, but mostly desperate as he tried to get the words out of his mouth. “You know what, it’s just as much Tony’s fault as it is ours. Can’t just expect people to read his mind and know something is wrong. He couldn’t have just expected us to all realize he was falling apart when he literally did nothing to make it known. Idiot should have said something, maybe he was just too busy dancing in his pool of self-pity that he decided to not fucking mention that he was upset!”
“Bucky! Stop.” Steve said, almost yelling. There was silence on the other end of the line. Steve was shaking, the words tumbling around in his mind. “You don’t mean that.”
Bucky hummed. He didn’t sound smug or satisfied, he sounded tired and defeated. “I didn’t…”
He drifted off into silence and for a while it was just their mingled breathing over the phone call. Bucky’s was labored, Steve was shaky. He didn’t know what it meant, where this was going. He thought Bucky loved Tony, now he was trying to pin the blame on him.
“I just wanted to protect him. I wanted him to be happy.” Bucky whispered. “After I took you away from him and left him alone, I just wanted to make up for it. But he kept trying to tear himself down and you didn’t hear him. When he had snuck himself alcohol and I found him drunk on the floor of his workshop. He was just… I don’t know. Not good. He had no interest in getting his life together, had no care for his health or safety. I’m trying to keep this idiot alive and he’s fighting me the whole time. Frustrating.”
Steve laughed, the tension was still there and he didn’t quite know where the conversation was going or what brought on Bucky’s outburst, but he did understand what he was saying then. “He is frustrating, yeah. Too stubborn and too reckless. It’s endearing.”
Bucky made a muffled noise of agreement and sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything. I’m not mad.” Steve said. He laid back on his bed, folding the flat pillow to give his head more support. “How is he?”
“I don’t know.” Bucky said.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“I haven’t seen him. He’s been down in his lab doing his science stuff with Rhodey and Pepper’s here in New York so he had plenty of company.” Bucky said. Now he sounded annoyed. Steve remembered a time when they were kids and someone had taken Bucky’s dime novels and he whined about it until Steve tried to go get them back for him. It ended with a fight, one he didn’t win. “Besides, I’ve been keeping busy. Pep’s taking me to an animal shelter later. It’ll be great.”
It was a weird thing to think about. Bucky had gotten to know Tony’s friends so well that he called Rhodes ‘Jim’ and Pepper ‘Pep’. He wondered, briefly, if he had a special nickname for Tony. He probably did, one he saved just for him when they were alone and doing something normal and domestic.
“You should talk to him.” Steve found himself saying. His voice was flat and he ignored the pang of jealousy and fear that shot through him, but he couldn’t take back his words now. “You guys have gotten close over the past few months.”
“I just wanted him to be alright. I’m not going to fuck him.” Bucky said quickly.
“I don’t want you too either. But I don’t want you and Tony to feel like you have to break apart whatever friendship you made just because I made a mistake.” He said. “Please, just talk to him. Don’t be angry with him.”
Bucky’s breathing was heavy. Minutes went by, it was easy to just listen as he waited. Bucky was thinking, contemplating his options. Steve didn’t know what was going on in his head or how he felt about the whole thing, but he hoped that in the end they all would be alright. Tony didn’t deserve Bucky’s anger and if his outburst was just a response to loving him in this situation then he hoped something changed before they all ruined their relationships with one another.
“I’m not mad at him. I don’t know why I said that.” Bucky muttered. “I’m sorry, Stevie. I won’t.”
Steve wanted to protest but Bucky hung up before he could. He sighed, closing his eyes and resting his head against his pillow as he thought about the mess he had made.
~~~
“And what would you have done if Tony said your actions were upsetting him?” The doctor asked. Steve looked at her, his eyebrows coming together in confusion and contemplation. “Would you go and comfort him or would you ignore him and continue to look after your friend.”
“I wouldn’t-“ Steve sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “I didn’t know so I can’t just know what I would have done. The situation never arose and I honestly never expected to be a neglectful partner so maybe I would have surprised myself and hurt him again.”
Steve looked at Dr. Winters and frowned. He didn’t have a suitable enough answer but she seemed unsurprised by his answer. “Alright. If it happened now, with you having full knowledge of the past events, what would you do?”
That he did have an answer to. He would hold Tony, apologize and beg forgiveness over and over until Tony realized how loved and cherished he was. He would try to get him to cast aside any idea that he was worthless, try to mend the broken pieces of his self-esteem that formed with Steve choosing someone else to give his time too. If Tony came to him today and told him he was in pain, Steve would do everything in the world to help him.
Steve couldn’t find a way to put the feelings into accurate words. “It was my birthday this week. Last year, I spent my birthday with Bucky. Hardly saw Tony at all. I was helping Bucky stay calm as fireworks went off and cancelled plans I had with him.” He said slowly. “This year I spent it with Sam. Bucky came to visit and Natasha brought cake. It was just the four of us. We watched Sharknado and joked about it. Tony called me, wished me a happy birthday. He said he was proud of me and hoped I was doing alright.”
“That’s great news. How do you feel about that?” She asked. Steve shrugged.
“Happy. I think he’s forgiven me. I may not deserve it, but he’s always been so forgiving. You should have heard what I said to him when we first met, he forgave me almost instantly and never mentioned it again.” Steve said slowly. “He might not trust me though. Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things. So, to answer your question, if by some miracle he trusts me enough to be close to his heart again then I will go back to him. I will spend every birthday and holiday with him. I will celebrate the common things he does and tell him everyday that I love him. Then, if he ever comes to me and tells me that something I’m doing is hurting him I will stop. I would never knowingly hurt him.”
Dr. Winters smiled. “And can you trust him to tell you when you’re hurting him?”
It was a difficult question to think about. Tony would still need help picking himself up. Steve may have tragically and accidentally chosen Bucky over him but Tony also chose Steve over himself. Tony needed help, if he ever made a mistake in the future he needed to know that Tony wouldn’t fall into that same hole and let himself wither away into nothing. Steve would do anything for Tony, he just needed to know what it was. If Tony wanted him to run around the world to prove his love, he would, but he couldn’t stand by and let Tony decide that he would let himself be in pain because he can’t tell Steve something is bothering him.
“No, I can’t.”
~~~
Everyone did a great job at protecting everyone while Steve was away, especially Tony since he had been cleared for duty. Steve would sometimes watch on the news, most of the battles seemed to be over before they began, the villains nothing more than ill prepared amateurs. This time was different though, this was Hydra. It was personal and they were deadly.
Steve suited up and met them for the battle. It wasn’t as awkward as he thought it would be. They were all distracted by pre-battle adrenalin to pay too much attention to the fact that Tony and Steve sat next to one another without one of them doing something ridiculous.
He was distracted though. Between dodging gunfire and storming the base, he spent much of his time studying the skies, smiling when he saw Sam fly by. Every time he saw a flash of red and gold he felt his heart pick up. They could do this. After a whole year they could still both be Avengers. He lost sight of him once he got inside.
Natasha and Clint followed him through the halls as they all fought off agents. There weren’t many, not much of a fight, but they still kept trying. Steve froze when they found it in the room at the end of the hall, a trail of bleeding Hydra agents left behind them. The chair didn’t seem as intimidating as it should. He knew what it was, what it could do, but it appeared harmless except for the large panels attached to it that clearly could swing around and attach to someone’s head.
He wanted to break it, to smash it to pieces and never let it hurt anyone else ever again. He looked at that chair, which tried to be so small and unassuming, and saw the way Bucky looked at him with confusion, a blank stare where recognition should be. He saw that chair and thought of Bucky, alone and in pain after 70 years of torture. Steve sent his shield through one of the weaker, moveable parts. It shattered on contact. He struck it again, broken metal revealing tangles of wiring. He yanked at it. He never wanted this chair to hurt another person again.
The thing about breaking apart a lot of metal with a shield was that sometimes, no matter how well you held it, in the heat of the moment it gets messy. Steve was emotional, desperate and blind to the battle as he beat the thing. His hands got in the way, he noticed more that his gloves were tearing than that he was slicing open his hands.
Someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. Steve shrugged them off. He had to break it. That damn chair ruined his life. It destroyed everything. Bucky had been so lost, so confused and afraid because of this. He had to wipe its existence off of the Earth.
“Steve. That’s enough.” The hands were back, trying to pull him away. “It’s over. The battle is done.”
His face was pressed into cold metal, he wanted to push it away and get back to work. It wasn’t over, the thing was still salvageable. Hands were running up and down his back, whoever was holding him was rocking back and forth slightly. Steve was shaking.
“It’s okay. I got you. The mission is over. You did great.” Tony whispered. Steve splayed out his hands over the armor’s chestplate and let himself be held. His face tucked into the space of Tony’s neck, the armor blocking him from soaking in the heat and familiarity of Tony’s skin. “I know, you’re upset. That’s alright. But look at you, sweetheart, you’re bleeding. Let’s let someone else beat the crap out of the chair and get you patched up.”
Steve was exhausted. It wasn’t a hard battle, he hadn’t even broken a sweat, but now he was leaning on Tony as if he would break apart without that bit of support. They left the building and went for the quinjet. Steve was sat down in one of the seats, his body melting into the firm cushioning easily. Tony started strapping him in, not once looking Steve in the face.
“I don’t think I’m okay.” Steve whispered.
Tony shrugged. “None of us are really okay.”
“I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I ruined everything.” Steve voice was hoarse. He didn’t expect this to happen, he didn’t know why that had to be here on this mission. “How did you get inside? How did you get to me?”
“You were freaking out on the comms, I decided to come check on you. And relax, nothing is ruined.” Tony said. He lacked the emotion to be convincing, his words came out flat and tired. “Stop apologizing to me. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“But it is. I hurt you! I told myself I would never do that and I did without even realizing it.” Steve said, he squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened to fall. “If I’m capable of that I don’t know what I can do to ever deserve you. I don’t know if I can convince you to love me again.”
Tony sighed. “Shut up, Rogers.”
The cuts on his hands had scabbed over and were already healing by the time the rest of the team got back to the jet. Steve was strapped in, Tony sitting next to him. He was emotional, he felt like he had been broken open and his insides scraped away. He was thankful that Tony stayed with him, surprised even that Tony was generous and caring enough to sit next to Steve as he cried about a chair that destroyed people. It still didn’t feel broken enough.
The team sat down and got strapped in, Sam sitting down on Steve’s other side, and Tony said he would fly himself home. Steve frowned as he watched Tony get off the quinjet.
~~~
“What do you think made you turn your back on Tony?” Dr. Winters asked. She sounded so calm all the time, so professional. Steve wondered how she did it.
“I didn’t turn my back on him.” Steve said slowly. “I just… tried to pause things without realizing you couldn’t do that in real life. I wanted to focus on something else and pretend that things would just start off where we left them when we were done.”
“And why did you think Tony was willing to wait for you?” She said slowly, tapping her fingers lightly on the arm of her chair. “Six months is a long time to wait for someone. Did he know it would take that much time?”
Steve shook his head. “I didn’t even know. I hadn’t even realized how much time had gone by until Tony couldn’t do it anymore.” He said. “I didn’t see him suffering. I was so focused on Bucky. He was dead, you know. But then he was back and he was hurt and scared and confused. They tortured him, for so long and I did nothing. I couldn’t just let him get through that alone. I was so determined to be there after I got him back that I was willing to abandon everyone else, no matter how important to me they were.”
“So you felt guilty for not protecting your friend.” Dr. Winters asked. Steve shrugged. “So do you think that made you feel overprotective of him now that you had him back?”
That could be it. Not that it mattered. Steve couldn’t understand now, but at the moment taking care of Bucky had become the most important thing. Tony had fallen into the background and that was where the issue lied. Steve needed to learn that he can care about more than one person at a time. He didn’t have to shove all of his attention at one thing.
~~~
“It’s not the end of the world, my darling.” Peggy said. She was smiling as she held Steve’s hand tightly.
“Maybe not, but it feels like it. I just love him so much, Pegs.” Steve said. At first it was awkward, telling his former lover about his new one, but that quickly faded. “I don’t know what to do.”
Peggy’s smile widened. “Have I ever told you about Angie?” She asked. Steve shook his head. She had, many times before, but when she described it again Steve loved the look of joy and care in her expression. “She worked at this diner. It’s was decent enough food but there were plenty of better places in the area. I just went for the company. She was a feisty little spitfire, you would have adored her. Anyway, we moved in together after Howard made a mess of things.”
“So, the usual.” Steve teased, Peggy laughed. It was nice.
“Well, you know how he is.” She said slowly. Peggy looked away, her attention captured by movement out the window. Steve didn’t know what she saw or what she was thinking, but she was focused on it. He waited, his hand still curled in hers. Then she turned back, her smile gone. “I missed her play. She landed a role and she was so proud of it. I promised to be there, but I wasn’t. I had work.”
Steve pulled Peggy’s hand up to his mouth and lightly kissed it. A tear fell, Steve reached out and wiped it away. He hated it when Peggy cried.
“She’s going to be so upset. I don’t know what to do.” Peggy said, her voice shaky. “How can I make this up to her? She was so excited for her play.”
“Peggy, sweetheart, I’m sure Angie will understand.” Steve said. Peggy shook her head and pulled her hand away. “Go to the next one. Have her perform all her acts just for you. I don’t know, show her how much you appreciate her passions.”
Peggy was crying, not the sobs that Steve had found himself doing when he tried to think of ways to make this up to Tony, but the tears fell down her face in quiet grace. She looked devastated, but holding it together. “She likes flowers. I’ll go to her next show, I just missed opening night, and I’ll get her the biggest bouquet of flowers available. She’ll love it. She’ll forgive me.”
“I’m sure she will.” Steve said. Peggy smiled at him.
“Of course she will, she loves me. But when her next play comes around I want her to trust that I’ll be there. How can I do that if I’m always too busy.” Peggy said. “I’ll just have to try harder. Trust is a fickle thing, and it’s always so hard to trust someone in my line of work. Maybe telling her I was a spy wasn’t my brightest idea, but it is done. I’ll go to every show. Howard can start as many international disputes as he likes, I can’t keep cleaning up after him.”
“Well, someone has to teach him responsibility.” Steve said. It was easy, falling into conversations like this. Peggy was living a life with people who were no longer there and Steve would participate in it. He would never meet Angie, but he had gotten to know her as Peggy talked about what they had for dinner or where they were going for vacation. He didn’t see Howard turn into an old man or Tony grow up, but he would listen as Peggy talked about how Tony did in the science fair and how Howard was getting more and more grey hair every day.
Peggy scoffed. “Yes, but why does it have to be me?”
“You’re the most responsible out of all of us.” Steve said.
Peggy rolled her eyes. “If that’s what you want to believe.” She said slowly. She reached out and took Steve’s hand. “Now, look at me. I’ve made it all about my problems. We have to help you now.”
Steve shook his head. “It’s fine, Peggy. I’ll figure something out.” He said. “Tell me more about Angie.”
~~~
Hydra was making a grab at Bucky. The team went out to dinner after another low threat battle that Steve wasn’t necessary for when they attacked. Steve didn’t even know it was happening until it was done. He had been in therapy, another long discussion on trying to get him to talk about why he chose to completely ignore Tony. They had pinned down several reasons, growing frustration with the man who worked too late and took too many risks, overwhelming relief of having his oldest friend back in his life, and a final desperate attempt to cling to a familiar past. There was more to it though, there will always be more. Behaviors can’t be explained by just a few small feelings and thoughts.
The team made it out okay. They were ambushed and had taken a beating, but they were all safe and alive. Steve came back to New York as soon as he heard.
“We’re fine, but thank you for the concern.” Natasha said. She smiled at him, his shoulders dropping from their defensive position. “You look good.”
“I do?” Steve asked. He was going to say the same thing to Natasha, but it would be a lie. Her hair was singed in some places, her lip was busted and the beginnings of a black eye. Ash and dirt smudged her skin and she looked exhausted. Steve made no comment on her appearance.
Natasha nodded. “Yeah. Looking really good.” She said, giving him a thumbs up.
There was no one else in the kitchen on the communal floor. Tony’s favorite mug was sitting on the counter, Bruce’s special bland of coffee was next to the machine, Clint’s socks were on the floor, and one of Wanda’s books were on the table. The team had been there and it was comforting to know, but they were gone for now.
“How are you feeling?” She asked.
“Better.” Steve said, sitting down next to her. “Sleeping easier. I still feel bad about what happened, but I’m going to fix it.”
Natasha smiled. “That’s good to hear. It’s been a tough year on all of us. It’ll be good to have you back.” She said, she squeezed Steve shoulder.
“I haven’t been gone for very long.” He said.
“Nah, you’ve been gone for a while. Walking around like a ghost of yourself ever since this whole thing started.” She said, her tone dipping lower. She squeezed his shoulder tighter. “I was sick of the whole sad and confused thing you had going on. You’re doing good now, I’m proud. Plus you have a nice haircut, it was growing out to be an awkward length.”
Steve smiled and shook his head. “Thanks.” He pushed away from the table and stood up. “Everyone doing alright?”
“We’re all alive. Missed you out there. Are you coming off of your vacation, rejoining the team?” Natasha asked.
Steve shrugged. “I’ll have to see how things are first.” He said. “Who got hurt? Where is everyone now?”
“Clint took a hit, but I think his ego is more damaged than anything else. He’ll tell you that story later. Wanda is exhausted, off taking a long nap. Bucky’s arm was damaged, Tony took a nasty hit but I think he’s okay. Those two are down in the workshop now, fixing up Bucky’s arm and looking over the suit. You should go see them.”
He hesitated, perhaps they didn’t want to see him right now. Maybe they have decided they would be best without him. He nodded and left the kitchen, worry and doubt seeping further into his mind as he walked down the hall and towards the elevator. He could do this, these two were his friends. Even if they decided to live their lives without him they wouldn’t be cruel. His hands were shaking they whole way down to the floor Tony’s workshop was on.
When the doors opened he frowned. They weren’t looking at each other, weren’t even talking. Bucky was tense and closed off, his gaze was focused on a particular point in the floor. Tony was bent over the open paneling of Bucky’s arm and working quickly. They both looked tense, uncomfortable. He walked up to the glass and tapped on it to get their attention.
Almost immediately, Bucky relaxed and Tony gave a small smile. He walked in and sat down on a stool nearby. “Hey guys, how are you doing?” He asked.
“Assholes broke my arm and Tony cracked a few ribs. Other than that we’re good.” Bucky said. He didn’t look at Tony as he spoke. “How are you? You doing alright? Glad you’re back.”
“Yeah. Glad to be back.” Steve said slowly. Bucky was grinning, Tony was focusing down on the opening of the arm in front of him. “What’s going on with you two?”
Bucky’s features froze. “Nothing.”
“Yeah, hard for anything to happen when he literally won’t fucking talk to me.” Tony sneered.
This was his fault. He convinced Bucky to ignore Tony, to not talk to him because of his own jealously and Bucky’s misguided sense of loyalty. That probably solved nothing, just getting another person Tony thinks turned his back on him.
“Buck, can I talk to Tony for a minute?” Steve asked. Bucky looked up, his eyebrows drawing together as he thought. Then he nodded and stood quickly, pulling his arm away from Tony and sliding the paneling closed.
“Yeah. Sure thing. Damage isn’t too bad, it’ll be okay for a while.” He said as he slowly made his way towards the door. “Call me if you need anything.”
Tony turned away when Bucky left and started putting away his tools. “Shouldn’t you be checking on him?” He asked.
“I think I want to check on you first. Bucky’s always been careful about injuries, you not so much.” Steve said softly. “I’m kinda invested in keeping you alive and healthy. How's your ribs?”
"Fine." Tony hummed. “Why?”
“Because I love you.” Steve said. It had to be said. It had been a whole year since he had shared a bed with Tony, since they had cuddled and spent hours wrapped around each other. A whole year, how could he let that happen? It had been over six months since they last kissed, since they had gone out together. Far too much time had gone by since Steve had gone to see Tony in his workshop and listened as Tony spoke passionately about what projects he was working on.
Even if Steve had to rebuild their entire relationship, start over from scratch and woo him all over again, he would do it. He wanted what they had again, but stronger and more secure so that something like this would never happen again. He wanted Tony to love himself enough to let his mistakes destroy him, he wanted Tony to trust him enough to not think he would break his heart again. Steve wanted things to not be as they were, but better.
“Steve.” Tony said slowly.
“I’m willing to wait as long as I have to for you to decide what you want.” Steve found himself saying. “I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to worship you every day, support you as you continue trying to build yourself up, work on myself to be a better man. I want to show you how important you are to me. I’m willing to wait if you need more time, if you tell me to go then I will. I just want you to be happy.”
Steve reached out slowly, if Tony wanted to move away he could, and took his hand. This was the first time in so long that he had just held Tony’s hand. It was a simple thing, but it felt like the world to him.
“It’s not that simple.” Tony said slowly.
“I know. And I’ve messed up, we’ve all messed up. I need to talk to Bucky, get him to talk to you again. We’ve all been childish, me mostly because I was just so damn jealous. I don’t want you to lose a friend.” Steve said quickly. “This all isn’t going to be fixed overnight. But I want to talk to you. There’s a lot we haven’t discussed. Feelings we both need to share. I’ll fix this, even if you decide to never take me back. I know I’ve hurt you, and if by some miracle you do decide to take me back then I’ll go at a snail’s pace to make sure I don’t do that to you again. I’m gonna keep working on it, I promise. Let’s just talk for now, we’ll decide later. Do you trust me?”
Tony didn’t move at first. Didn’t answer as he let Steve’s words process. Then he looked down at their joined hands and squeezed.
“Yeah.” He said. “I do.”