Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chapter 31

Apotheosis

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: *the rogue of heart comes in wwith a shippin update or some such nonsense only to find out too late its actually just a vvery convvincin forgery*
FCA: *the wwax seal on it suddenly melts into a picture of the prince of hope givvin her the finger*
CAC: :33 < *or so the prince thinks!*
CAC: :33 < *but the rogue was actually forewarned of the princes treachery by a valiant knight*
CAC: :33 < *and she only brought the forgery with her so she could s33 the look on his stupid face when she burned it right in front of him!*
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: HEY, UM
CCG: NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE OR ANYTHING, BUT
CCG: IS THERE ANY POSSIBLE WAY WE COULD SKIP ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT AND GET TO THE SHIPPING UPDATE?
CCG: IT'S KIND OF FUCKING IMPORTANT.
CCG: OR AT THE VERY LEAST, MORE IMPORTANT THAN
CCG: WELL, THIS.
FCA: wwhoa kar youre here
FCA: wwhere the hell havve you been evverybodys been wworried
CCG: NOT IMPORTANT.
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 22 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: ahahahah, okay, no.
FTA: you do NOT get two rake me over the carboniized liigniin nugget2 for tryiing two off my2elf and then 2curry your way out of thii2 one.
FTA: ju2t tell u2 where you were, you douche.
CCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Mister Captor Id Politely Request That You Refrain From Persisting In This Line Of Questioning
CGA: Karkat Has Been Under A Great Deal Of Stress Lately And Simply Required Some Time To Himself
CGA: I Can Personally Assure You Hes Made No Attempt To Harm Himself Nor Will He In The Immediate Future
CGA: And Furthermore He Cannot Divulge His Former Hiding Place For Reasons Pertaining To His Personal Safety
FTA: per2onal 2afety?
FTA: okay, WOW, thii2 ii2 b2, how could telliing u2 where you were have ANYTHIING two do wiith your per2onal 2afety, kk?
PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
PGC: SOLLUX JUST DROP 1T
PGC: 1T DO3SNT R34LLY M4TT3R WH3R3 K4RKL3S W4S
PGC: B3C4US3 NOW H3S H3R3
PGC: 4ND H3 C4N F4C3 JUST1C3 >:]
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, tz, you're 2tandiing up for hiim?
PGC: 1M DO1NG NO SUCH TH1NG
PGC: 1M S1MPLY S4Y1NG TH4T TH3R3 4R3 C3RT41N TH1NGS YOU N33D TO C34S3 1NQU1R1NG 4BOUT 1MM3D14T3LY
PGC: 4ND TH1S 1S ON3 OF TH3M
PGC: SO SHOOSH
CCG: YEAH, YOU HEARD THE LADY, FUCK OFF.
FTA: fiine, whatever.
CAC: :33 < wow
CAC: :33 < its weird to s33 you two agr33ing on something
CAC: :33 < is something going on betw33n you two?
PGC: 1 DONT KNOW
PGC: 1S SOM3TH1NG GO1NG ON B3TW33N US, K4RK4T?
CCG: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
CCG: WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW IS THAT THE SHIPPING SITUATION HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY, AND ALL OF YOU FUCKERS ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF A SHIPPING UPDATE
CCG: SO I'D APPRECIATE IT IF WE COULD SKIP PAST ALL THE USUAL INSIPID DRIVEL THAT TRANSPIRES BEFORE THE ACTUAL REVELATION AND JUST GET ON WITH OUR FUCKING LIVES ALREADY.
CAC: :33 < yes, i agr33!
CAC: :33 < if karkat says we n33d an update, it must be impurrtant
CAC: :33 < so effurypawdy just shut up!
PGC: BL4R, F1N3 >:[
CCG: KANAYA, DID YOU WANT TO DO THE HONORS?
CGA: Honestly I Think You Should
CCG: OKAY, IF YOU INSIST.
CCG: I'M KANAYA'S MOIRAIL NOW.
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 8 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Seriously? You two hooked up????????
CGA: Yes Seriously
CGA: We Made The Decision Just The Other Day
PAG: Well, that's gr8!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < yeah, that is great!
CAC: :33 < im really happy fur you guys!
CCG: YEAH, THANKS.
PAG: 8ut seriously, this is awesome! I don't know if she told you this, Karkat, 8ut Kanaya's had a pale thing for you for a while.
PAG: Honestly, I was trying to get you two hooked up myself!
CCG: YOU WERE?
PAG: Of course! I figured you'd 8e good together.
CCG: WELL, IF YOU WERE PULLING FOR US SO HARD, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
CCG: OH, I DON'T KNOW
CCG: TALK TO ME ABOUT IT?
CCG: LIKE, ONCE? EVER?
PAG: Um........
PAG: Well, okay, I was 8usy with some other stuff. 8ut I was tooooooootally gonna get to after that!
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW PERFECTLY FUCKING WELL WHAT YOU WERE BUSY WITH, SERKET.
CCG: KANAYA TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE "OPERATION."
PAG: Urk!
CGA: Karkat You Really Dont Have To Do This
CCG: NO, I KIND OF FUCKING DO.
CCG: LISTEN THE FUCK UP, VRISKA, BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY WARNING.
CCG: I DON'T GIVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST IOTA OF A SHIT HOW GOOD YOUR INTENTIONS MIGHT HAVE BEEN
CCG: THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
CCG: YOU DO *NOT* LIE TO YOUR MATESPRIT AND GO BEHIND HER BACK AND MAKE HER LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE YOU'RE ACTUALLY CHEATING ON HER FOR *ANY* REASON
CCG: AND IF YOU EVER TRY TO PULL ANY SHIT LIKE THIS ON KANAYA AGAIN, I'M GOING TO PULL ALL OF YOUR IRONS OUT OF THE FIRE AND JAM THEM IN YOUR FUCKING EYE SOCKETS
CCG: GOT IT????????
PAG: Okay, okay, I got it!!!!!!!!
PAG: God, it's not like I enjoyed doing it or something! I realized the oper8tion was pro8a8ly going too far, and I tried to stop it.
PAG: 8ut then Feferi went and seized control of the oper8tion, and what the fuck am I supposed to do a8out that????????
CCG: WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IS NOT FUCKING MANIPULATE YOUR MATESPRIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!
CCG: THIS ISN'T REALLY A DIFFICULT CONCEPT FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVE AN IDEA OF HOW NOT TO BE A HORRIBLE PERSON. IT'S PRETTY TRIVIAL, ACTUALLY.
CCG: MAYBE YOU'D BE ABLE TO PICK THIS UP A LITTLE MORE EASILY IF YOUR MOIRAIL WAS ACTUALLY DOING HIS FUCKING JOB INSTEAD OF FOOLING AROUND WITH YOU LIKE HE'S YOUR FUCKING BACKUP MATESPRIT OR SOMETHING.
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!!
PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 9 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAT: oKAY, 1 HAVE TO SAY,
PAT: tHESE ARE DEF1N1TELY SOME ALLEGAT1ONS, tHAT COULD ALMOST CERTA1NLY BE DESCR1BED AS "sCANDALOUS,"
PAT: aND 1 TH1NK MAYBE, wHEN YOU ARE SL1NG1NG TH1NGS L1KE THAT AROUND, tHAT MAYBE A L1TTLE MORE CARE SHOULD BE USED?
PAT: bECAUSE THE ACCUSAT1ONS YOU ARE MAK1NG, aRE PRETTY SER1OUS,
CCG: ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG?
PAT: 1'M CERTA1NLY NOT SAY1NG YOU'RE R1GHT,
CCG: BUT ARE YOU SAYING I'M WRONG.
PAT: uH,
PAT: 1'M,
PAT: 1'M NOT SAY1NG,,,
CGA: Look Karkat I Understand Your Concerns But Id Really Prefer If We Didnt Discuss This Right Now
CCG: WELL, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT KIND OF NEEDS TO BE FUCKING DISCUSSED!
CGA: Maybe Youre Correct
CGA: But Regardless I Dont Think A Public Memo Is The Correct Place For Such A Discussion To Take Place
CCG: WELL
CCG: OKAY, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
CCG: I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR DERAILING YET ANOTHER CONVERSATION INTO "WHO PAILED WITH WHO."
PAG: I didn't p8il with any8ody, you f8cker!!!!!!!!
FTA: wow, that ii2 actually hiilariiou2ly not true.
PAG: Sh8t the f8ck up, you know what I me8nt!
CCG: WHATEVER, NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.
CCG: REALLY, WHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE IS WHAT THE TWO OF YOU *HAVEN'T* BEEN DOING
CCG: NAMELY, NITRAM, WHEN YOUR PSYCHOPATH PALEBRO GETS IT IN HER THINK PAN TO ORCHESTRATE SOME FUCKED UP SCHEME LIKE THIS, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STOP HER.
PAT: 1 d1d STOP HER,
CCG: NO YOU DIDN'T, IDIOT!
PAT: nO, lOOK, 1 TALKED TO vR1SKA ABOUT THE WHOLE oPERAT1ON f1SHHOOK TH1NG,
PAT: aND 1 ACTUALLY CONV1NCED HER TO STOP 1T, oR AT LEAST SER1OUSLY D1AL 1T BACK,
PAT: bUT 1T'S L1KE SHE SA1D, fEFER1 TOOK CONTROL OF THE WHOLE TH1NG
PAT: eVERYTH1NG THAT'S HAPPENED S1NCE, l1KE, f1VE DAYS AGO, 1T WAS ALL COMPLETELY HER FAULT,
CCG: BULLSHIT.
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 17 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCC: No, it is pretty muc)( true.
CCG: WHAT.
PCC: Y----EP! I reelized Vriska was feeding me a line, so I turned t)(e water tables on )(er and snagged )(er and Kanaya in a lobster trap of my own!
PCC: And t)(ey bot)( fell for it )(OOK, LIN---E, AND SINK---ER!!! >38D
CGA: Okay No This Is Ridiculous
CGA: You Have Absolutely No Right To Try To Play Yourself Off As Some Sort Of Master Manipulator Here
CGA: All You Did Was Continually Harass My Matesprit After She Made It Clear She Didnt Want To Be That Close Of A Friend Of Yours
CGA: It Doesnt Take A Brilliant Schemer To Do That
CGA: All It Takes Is A Certain Brand Of Reprehensibility
PCC: O)(, WAT---ER---EV---ER!!!
PCC: T)(e only reason s)(e "made t)(at clear" is because YOU are so insecure t)(at you t)(oug)(t s)(e would MAGICALLY stop being flus)(ed for you just by )(anging out wit)( me!
PCC: Seariously, Vriska, )(ow does it mako you eel to know your matesprit t)(inks T)(AT lowly of you?
PAG: Whoa, hey, no, I'm staying out of this one. Don't try to drag me into your kismesissitude.
PAG: Well, unless you're actually, literally, physically dragging me into it. In which case, feel free.
PAG: :::;)
CCG: UUUUUUUUGH.
CCG: JEGUS FUCK, NO, WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.
CCG: VRISKA, FEFERI, WHOEVER'S FUCKING FAULT THIS IS, STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH MY MOIRAIL.
PCC: 38?
PCC: But we are )(er matesprit and )(er kismesis respectively. T)(at is w)(at we are SUPPOS---ED to do!
FTA: eheheheh.
CCG: OH, CAN IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.
PCC: Yes, I do. I was just fucking wit)( YOU t)(is time. 38)
CCG: GREAT, FANTASTIC. NOW PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP.
CCG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND KANAYA AND ALL
CCG: BUT THIS MEMO IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT *ME* AND KANAYA.
CCG: YOU KNOW, ME? REMEMBER HOW I WENT MISSING AND ALL? WASN'T THAT A THING?
CCG: NORMALLY I'D ASSUME THAT NONE OF YOU EVEN GAVE A SHIT, BUT KANAYA INSISTS THAT'S NOT THE CASE FOR WHATEVER MYSTERIOUS REASON.
CAC: :33 < of course we care about you, karkat!
CAC: :33 < youre our leader, we n33d you!
CAC: :33 < or at least, i n33d you
CCG: REALLY?
CAC: :33 < yeah!
CAC: :33 < i was really worried when you disappeared
CAC: :33 < and im sorry if im the reason why you were gone in the first place :((
CCG: NO, NEPETA, DON'T EVEN TRY TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS ONE.
CCG: I RAN OFF BECAUSE I'M A COMPLETE AND TOTAL GAPER-HUFFING, SHAME GLOBE-GARGLING, BUGFUCKING MORON, AND NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN BEGIN TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT
CCG: SO DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.
CAC: :33 < well okay
CAC: :33 < anyway im glad youre back!
CCG: WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR, I GUESS.
CGA: Now See Karkat What Did I Tell You
CGA: Of Course People Were Concerned With Your Disappearance
PGC: Y34H
PGC: 4ND SOM3 OF US PUT 4 LOT OF UNN3C3SS4RY 3FFORT 1NTO TR4CK1NG YOU DOWN
PGC: SO STOP 4CT1NG L1K3 NOBODY C4R3S 4BOUT YOU, B3C4US3 1T JUST M4K3S YOU S33M L1K3 4 B1G WH1N3R
CAC: :33 < terezi, leave him alone!
CCG: NEPETA, IT'S COOL, I CAN HANDLE IT.
CGA: Yes Given Recent Developments Id Definitely Advise That You Abstain From Intervening In This Particular Spat Miss Leijon
CAC: :33 < recent developments?
CCG: WE'RE GETTING TO THAT.
PGC: 4ND JUST WH3N 4R3 W3 G3TT1NG TO TH4T?
CCG: LATER.
PGC: BL4R, F1N3
PCC: So Karcrab, it is great t)(at you are back and all, but w)(ere are you??
PCC: Kanaya is rig)(t, we )(AV---E been worried aboat you.
CCG: IF YOU MUST KNOW, WE JUST RECENTLY GOT BACK TO HER HIVE.
CGA: Yes
CGA: And I Must Say
CGA: Its Looking Spotless
PAG: Oh, yeah!!!!!!!!
PAG: Well, y'know, I figured since this whole mess was my fault........
PAG: And 8y mess, I mean 8oth this whole 8ig scheme 8etween you and me and Feferi AND the actual physical mess we may or may not have m8de at your hive!
PAG: 8ut anyway, I figured since that was all on me, I should m8ke it up to you 8y doing an a8solutely flawless jo8 at cleaning it up!!!!!!!!
PAG: It wasn't easy, 8ut I pulled it off, and I did it aaaaaaaall 8y myself, too!
PAT: wHAT,
PAT: aLL BY YOURSELF,
PAT: nO, tHAT'S BULLSH1T,
PAG: Tavros, shut uuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!
PAT: nO, 1'M NOT SHUTT1NG UP,
PAT: vR1SKA, 1F YOU'RE GO1NG TO COERCE ME 1NTO HELP1NG YOU SWAB UP YOUR MESSES L1KE 1'M YOUR PERSONAL pOOPMASTER eXTRAORD1NA1RE, tHAT'S F1NE,
PAT: 1'VE PRETTY MUCH ACCEPTED THAT THAT COMES W1TH THE JOB,
PAT: bUT YOU DO not GET TO TAKE ALL THE CRED1T FOR 1T,
PAG: D8mn it, Tavros, I'm try8ng to m8ke amends with my m8sprit here, and you are n8t helping with all of these fl8grant li8s!!!!!!!!
PAG: Kan8ya, don't listen to him, he's completely f8ll of it.
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 17 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> A%ually, that's not true
PCT: D --> Tavros was indeed present at your domicile at the time of its cleaning
PCT: D --> And he aided considerably in the aforementioned custodial duties
PCT: D --> Though I seem to remember informing you of that yesterday
CGA: Yes I Remember
CGA: But Thank You For The Confirmation Regardless
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!!
FTA: ahahahahahahahah, bu2teeeeeeeed.
PAG: Okay, okay, fine! So may8e I did enlist some help!
PAG: 8ut give me a 8r8k here! It was a 8ig jo8!
PAG: And I just wanted to 8e a8solutely 800% certain that it was done perfectly, so I had to 8ring in some8ody else to check my work!
PAG: I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally could've done it all 8y myself. It would've taken some effort, sure, 8ut hey, I'm 8adass.
PAG: Tavros was just there to m8ke sure the cleaning jo8 that I did, which WOULD'VE 8een perfect whether he was there or NOT, lined up with a multitude of definitions of cleanliness, some of which I personally find utterly 8izarre, 8ut respect as valid nonetheless, 8ecause I'm open-minded like that!
PAG: That's it!!!!!!!!
PAT: r11111111GHT,
PAT: kANAYA, fOR THE RECORD, 1 ONLY AGREED TO COME TO MAKE SURE vR1SKA STAYED ON TASK,
PAG: What!!!!!!!!
CGA: I Figured As Much
CGA: I Appreciate Your Honesty Mister Nitram
CGA: And Vriska Your Attempts At Benign Deception Are Charmingly Futile As Always
PAG: Hey! ALMOST always.
CGA: Yes Of Course
PCC: Yea)(, t)(e plaice DO--ES look pretty clean.
CGA: What
PCT: D --> She's 100king at you through my viewport
PCT: D --> I tried to stop her, but
PCT: D --> Well
CGA: Ugh
PCC: But Kanaya, I )(AV---E to say...
PCC: You look... different!
PCC: I mig)(t even go as far as to say........
CGA: Dont say I Look Radiant
PCC: T)(at you look R
PCC: >38I
CGA: Hahahaha
PAG: ????????
PAG: Kanaya, what is she talking a8out????????
CCG: UM
CCG: IS THERE ANY WAY WE COULD NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, MAYBE?
CCG: IT'S JUST KIND OF REALLY EMBARRASSINGLY TIMED.
CGA: Karkat I Already Told You It Doesnt Reflect On You At All
CGA: In Fact I Already Knew It Was Going To Happen
CGA: I Saw It In The Clouds
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW, BUT STILL
CAC: :33 < saw what? what happened???
FTA: 2he diied.
PAG: What!!!!!!!!
CGA: Um Yes Thats Part Of It
CGA: Though Obviously Im Fine Now
PAG: W8, hold on, how the fuck did you die????????
CGA: You Wouldnt Believe Me If I Told You
PAG: Sure I would, just tell me.
CGA: Okay
CGA: Well
CGA: Several Hours Ago Karkat And I Were In The Process Of Returning To My Hive
CGA: When We Happened To Fall Victim To An Unfortunate
CGA: Basilisk Ambush
PAG: ........
PAG: Seriously?
CGA: Yes Quite
CGA: Before I Knew What Was Happening I Found My Abdomen Being Gruesomely Impaled Upon One Of Their Razor Sharp Tails
PAG: Son of a fucking 8itch!!!!!!!!
PAG: I KNEW those sneaky 8astards were gonna get some8ody eventually!!!!!!!!
CGA: Yes It Was Quite Foolish Of Me To Let My Guard Down
CGA: But Thankfully My Quest Recuperacoon Was Only A Short Distance Away So It Wasnt That Great Of An Ordeal To Transport Me There
CCG: OH YEAH, IT WAS A GODDAMN PASTRY SHUFFLE. NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL.
CCG: LET ME TELL YOU, THERE ISN'T AN EASIER THING IN THE WORLD THAN HAULING YOUR DISEMBOWELED MOIRAIL UP THE HIGHEST FUCKING MOUNTAIN ON LORAF AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, WHILE STILL TRYINNG TO KEEP HER LOOSE ENTRAILS FROM DRAGGING ON THE GROUND.
CCG: YEAH, THAT DEFINITELY DOESN'T QUALIFY AS AN "ORDEAL."
CCG: IT WAS KIND OF RELAXING, ACTUALLY! A LEISURELY STROLL TO HURL MY DYING FRIEND INTO A GIANT BLACK COCOON.
CCG: A++, 10/10, WOULD BE TRAUMATIZED AGAIN.
PAT: hAHAHAHA,
PAT: nOW YOU FUCKERS KNOW HOW 1T FEELS,
CGA: Karkat Dear You Know that Isnt What I Meant
CGA: I Wasnt Attempting To Denigrate Your Endeavor At All
CGA: I Can Express Only The Utmost Of Gratitude For Your Transporting Me To My Quest Bed And I Apologize For Not Informing You Of My Imminent Demise Beforehand
CCG: APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED.
CGA: Well I Suppose I Cant Begrudge You That
PCC: Ocray, so t)(at explains t)(e... AD--EQUAT--E dress you're wearing.
CGA: Its A Lovely Dress For Your Information
CGA: As Far As God Tier Outfits Go Id Say Its Likely The Best Ive Seen So Far
CGA: Id Make Remarkably Few Alterations To It
CGA: Get Rid Of The Hood
CGA: Maybe Add A Matching Pair Of Gloves
PCC: Give it a nice, low neckline...
PAG: Ooooooooh, yes, I like Feferi's idea.
CGA: In Any Case Its Certainly Better Than That Burlap Robe You Were Saddled With
PCC: )(----EY!
PCC: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, my Cod Tier outfit is...
PCC: W)(ale, ocray, I )(ave to be conknest, I do not reely like t)(e colors. 38/
FTA: ii diidn't want two 2ay anythiing, but yeah, the whole brown and beiige thiing ii2 kiind of a fuckiing fa2hiion dii2a2ter.
PAG: Oh yeah, like any8ody's gonna t8ke color coordin8tion advice from the guy who won't wear anything that isn't slathered in ridiculous sh8des of red and 8lue.
FTA: oh, but they'd be iinfiinitely more iincliined two take iit from a giirl iin red boot2 and a riidiiculou2ly fluore2cent orange hoodiie?
PAG: Hey, fuck you! Don't h8 on the Light threads!!!!!!!!
PCC: NO ON---E CAR---ES ABOUT T)(IS.
PCC: I was not even trying to talk aboat w)(at s)(e is W--EARING.
PCC: I'm more conc)(cerned wit)( t)(e w)(ole... GLOWING W)(IT---E SKIN t)(ing!
FCA: wwhat
CGA: Oh Right That
CGA: Um
CGA: I Believe The Mortal Wound I Received Previously May Have Triggered Some Sort Of Unusual Metamorphosis
CGA: One Which Was Apparently Greatly Accelerated By My Subsequent Ascent To God Tier
PAG: Whoa whoa whoa, hang on.
PAG: Metamorphosis? Kanaya, what are you talking a8out????????
CGA: Well
CGA: Vriska
CGA: What Would You Say If I Told You I Was A Rainbow Drinker
PAG: Wellllllll........
PAG: I'd pro8a8ly say that I'M a fair young maiden who stum8led into this old, a8andoned hive purely 8y chance, and I fear that I may 8e trapped here until sunset.
PAG: And I would desper8tely hope that no shadow-dropping fiends would attempt to seduce me and sip the 8lood from my innocent veins!
PAG: :::;)
CGA: Yes Okay Good
CGA: Now
CGA: Lets Just Say Hypothetically
CGA: That We Werent Engaging In Some Sort Of Roleplaying Scenario
CGA: And That I Actually Was A Rainbow Drinker
CGA: Like In Real Life
CGA: What Would You Say Then
PAG: Hmmmmmmmm........
PAG: Well, thinking a8out it, I would pro8a8ly say exactly three words, followed 8y an emoticon.
PAG: And those would 8e:
PAG: Hell.
PAG: Fucking.
PAG: Yes.
PAG: <33333333
CGA: Excellent
CGA: <3
CAC: :33 < wait, hold on
CAC: :33 < kanaya, youre a rainbow drinker? like, fur real?
CGA: Well I Cant Say For Certain
CGA: But My Skin Does Seem To Have Taken On An Inexplicably Heretofore Unprecedented Phosphorescence
CGA: And I Do Seem To Be Experiencing The Most Unusual Urge To Sink My Fangs Into My Moirails Neck Right Now
CCG: OH GOD
CCG: KANAYA, NO.
CCG: I LOVE YOU AND ALL, BUT IF YOU EVEN TRY IT, I WILL THROW YOUR LUMINESCENT ASS OUT THIS WINDOW SO FAST, THE SPEED OF LIGHT ITSELF WILL GO, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT."
CGA: Karkat Relax Im Not Going To Bite You
CGA: Well
CGA: Unless You Want Me To
PGC: H3Y, 3XCUS3 M3
PGC: DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 4LLOW3D TO B1T3 K4RKL3S WH3N3V3R YOU W4NT JUST B3C4US3 YOUR3 H1S MO1R41L?
PGC: 1 DONT TH1NK SO!
PAG: Yeah, Kanaya! 8iting is supposed to 8e our thing!
PCC: And OUR t)(ing.
PAG: Right, 8oth of our things.
CCG: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, NEITHER OF YOU TWO HAS THE FUCKING RIGHT TO TELL KANAYA WHAT SHE CAN AND CAN'T DO WITH HER MOIRAIL
CCG: AND SECOND, NOBODY'S FUCKING BITING ME. END OF STORY.
PGC: 3XC3PT M3
CCG: FUCK OFF.
PGC: H3H3H3H3
CGA: Yes Thats Fine I Didnt Particularly Want To Bite You Anyway
CGA: Whenever I Bite Someone Things Tend To Um
CGA: Escalate From There
PAG: <33333333
CGA: And Somehow Im Not Completely Certain That Thats Changed Now That It Might Be A Biological Necessity
FCA: biological necessity
FCA: ok this is fuckin absurd
FCA: kan wwhat exactlys your fuckin angle here wwhats wwith the ludicrous dedication to this frivvolous roleplayin scenario
CGA: Excuse Me
CGA: Eridan What Are You Talking About
FCA: you knoww bloody fuckin WWELL wwhat im talkin about kan
FCA: all this idiotic nonsense about you bein a rainboww drinker
FCA: youre not any manner a fuckin glowwin wwhite blood drinkin beings because there isnt such a thing that evven exists
FCA: theyre NOT FUCKIN REAL
FCA: its bee ess and EVVERYBODY fuckin knowws it so i dont evven knoww wwhat youre tryin to provve here but its a laugh an a half an NEITHER A THEM IS PARTICULARLY SINCERE
CGA: Um
CGA: Im Not Really Sure What To Say
CGA: Except That Im Fairy Certain Rainbow Drinkers Do Exist
CGA: Given That I Am One
FCA: no this is a bunch a ludicrous poppycock
FCA: wwhats next youre gonna tell me leprechauns are real too
FCA: tell me all about their elaborate romance system an their economy revvolvvin around special stardust as though it actually wwere magic an not the wworthless glittery powwder it really is
FCA: because as evverybody knowws magic is also FAKE BULLSHIT
CGA: Actually Thats Not True
FCA: wwhat
CGA: Magic Is Real
CGA: Like An Actual Thing That Exists
FCA: are you serious
CGA: Yes Im Completely Certain Of That Suddenly
FCA: ok noww im pretty sure youre just fuckin wwith me
CGA: If You Dont Believe Me Then Just Try It Out For Yourself
CGA: Do You Have A Wand Youll Need A Wand For This
FCA: no i dont havve a fuckin wwand wwhy would i keep that wworthless shit on hand
PGC: 3R1D4N
PGC: YOU H4V3 4 W4ND
PGC: 4CTU4LLY, YOU H4V3 4 WHOL3 FUCK1NG P1L3 OF W4NDS
FCA: ok ok fine so i do havve a wwand SO WWHAT
CGA: Well If Youll Point It At Something You Dont Particularly Care For Well Begin Your First Lesson In Showmaship
FCA: wwoww this is ridiculous
FCA: ok ill humor this wwigglers play for noww
FCA: this shits about as pointed as itll evver get
FCA: teach me your secrets o mighty wwitch
CGA: Okay Now Just Recite The Magic Words
CGA: Accio Devotio Mahaa Kalaa Barada Nikto
FCA: psh fine here goes
FCA: accio devvotio mahaa kalaa barada nikto
FCA: WWHAT
FCA: wwhat the fuck just
FCA: i
FCA: oh my god
CGA: What
FCA: it wworked
FCA: i just cast a fuckin spell like theres literally no other wway to describe it
FCA: magic is actually real oh my god
FCA: this changes EVVERYTHING
CCG: WHAT.
CCG: YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT
CCG: LIKE, THIS IS ALL JUST SOME STUPID PRANK YOU TWO ARRANGED BEFOREHAND.
CGA: No Not Really
FCA: ivve got to study this in further detail
FCA: wwork out the exact mechanics of it
FCA: just cause its magic doesnt mean you cant be empirical about it i mean you HAVVE to be empirical about it
PGC: OF COURS3
PGC: 1TS 1MPORT4NT TO R3M41N 3MP1R1C4L
FCA: ok ivve got to start takin fuckin notes on this givve me a second here
CGA: Um
FTA: ahahahahahahahah, oh my god.
FTA: 2o now not only ii2 ed a god tiier priince of hope wiith an endle22ly re2pawniing army of viiciiou2 angel2, but now he know2 how two do magiic two.
FTA: way two go, ky, you've created a mon2ter.
CGA: I Wasnt Even Fully Aware That Magic Was A Thing That Could Be Practiced
CGA: In Case It Wasnt Clear Those So Called Magic Words Were Just Some Nonsense I Made Up Off The Top Of My Head
CGA: But If They Actually Did Something I
CGA: Well I Dont Know Really
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: I think I might all know what it is.
CGA: Oh
CGA: Gamzee
CGA: Well What Is It
FTC: Well, clearly, there's only one explanation what can all describe exactly what took place all over here.
FTC: And that explanation is thusly...
FTC: It's a motherfuckin miracle.
PCT: D --> A miracle
PCT: D --> Really
PCT: D --> It's tr001y astounding how casually you engage in such trans100cent intelle%ual laziness
FTC: Okay, if the existence of magic isn't a motherfuckin miracle, then just what the mother fuck is???
PCT: D --> 100k, all I'm saying is you're coming to that conc100sion with irresponsible haste
PCT: D --> We don't even know if it's a%ually magic
PCT: D --> There e%ist any number of potential e%planations for whatever happened
FTC: Like what, exactly?
FTC: Motherfucker just shot a lightning bolt off his hands or some shit. What could that shit be except magic, and also a miracle?
PCT: D --> It could be some kind of
PCT: D --> Hopey thing
PCT: D --> He is a God Tier Prince of it, after all
PGC: 4CTU4LLY H3S 4 K1NG
PCT: D --> Really
PGC: W3LL, H1S T1TL3 D1DNT T3CHN1C4LLY CH4NG3
PGC: BUT TH4TS TH3 HONOR1F1C H3 PR3F3RS
FTC: Well even if it is some kind of Hopey thing, that's basically all what a miracle is. A concentrated pocket of motherfuckin hope.
PCT: D --> Yes, but still, it's a 100dicrous oversimplification
PCT: D --> It's almost certainly more complicated than that
PCT: D --> It cannot simply be an e%pression of his Hope powers alone
PCT: D --> There are countless systems at work here, each more vast and inscrutable than the last
PCT: D --> Because in case you hadn't noticed, there's something decidedly pec001iar going on in recent wee%
PCT: D --> Beyond simply the confirmation of the e%istence of magic
PCT: D --> I'd suspe%ed it even before I ascended, but now I'm abso100tely certain
CAC: :33 < wait, what?
CAC: :33 < equius, you ascended?
CAC: :33 < like to god tier?
PCT: D --> Oh
PCT: D --> Um
PCC: Um.
PCC: Y-ES! )(e did. Just t)(e ot)(er day.
CAC: :33 < oh
CAC: :33 < well why didnt you tell me?
CAC: :33 < this is kind of an impurrtant thing!
PCT: D --> Uh
PCT: D --> Well
PCC: W)(ale, it was kind of a... spur of t)(e moment decision!!
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, spur
CAC: :33 < its a horse pun!
PCC: )(a)(a, yea)(, I guess so!
PCT: D --> Right
PCT: D --> Um, a%ually, the situation was somewhat similar to Miss Maryam's predicament
PCT: D --> With the, er
PCT: D --> The near-death e%perience part
PCC: O)(, rig)(t! N--EAR deat)(.
PCC: Yes.
CAC: :33 < :OO
CAC: :33 < you almost died???
CAC: :33 < what happened???
PCT: D --> Well
PCC: Is it R--E--ELY important w)(at )(appened??
PCC: I mean, )(e is ocray NOW, and T)(AT is w)(at matters, RIG)(T???
CAC: :33 < well, i guess
CAC: :33 < but i still want to know!
CGA: Yes I Think The Cause Of Death Is Somewhat Important
CGA: And If You Did Happen To Have Some Reason For Wanting To Conceal It I Cant Imagine It Would Be Honorable
PCC: O)(, s)(oos)( you!!
PAG: Seriously, what happened?
PAG: Were you am8ushed 8y 8asilisks???????? They're notoriously sneaky 8astards.
PCT: D --> There were no basilis% involved
CAC: :33 < then what was it?
CAC: :33 < was it gamz33? was he too rough with you??
FTC: Whoa, hey, don't try to up and pin this shit at me.
FTC: I didn't hurt that motherfucker any more than what's all up and to be expected out of a typical kismetic rendezvous.
FTC: Well, okay, more as a typical matesprit kismesis moirail auspistice tetra master quadruple reacharound, which as far like I know ain't really a typical thing at all.
FTC: All I'm sayin is that I didn't all kill no motherfuckers.
PAT: yEAH, sER1OUSLY,
PAT: 1F ANYBODY WAS GO1NG TO BE GU1LTY OF UNNECESSARY ROUGHH1V1NG, 1T WOULD PROBABLY BE eQU1US,
PAT: yOU REAL1ZE THE GUY WRECKED fEFER1'S H1VE, r1GHT,
PAT: bECAUSE THAT'S ST1LL A TH1NG THAT HAPPENED,
PAT: 1T D1DN'T STOP BE1NG A TH1NG OR ANYTH1NG,
PCC: It was just t)(e fis)(bowl!!
PCC: And we already replaiced it, so W)(AT--EV--ER.
FCA: yeah an for the record he nevver really ran risk a causin any serious property damage
FCA: though that wwas mostly cause i wwas there
FCA: youre wwelcome
FTC: You sure around that?
FTC: Motherfucker broke my table.
PCT: D --> He said serious damage
PCT: D --> And frankly, I did you a favor by destroying that table
PCT: D --> It was garish
FTC: Man, I ain't about to take interior decorating advice off of some stuffed-shirt motherfucker what's got horsedicks all hangin up off his walls.
CGA: Actually I Think I Know The Table He Was Talking About
CGA: And Yes It Was Dreadful
FCA: really if anybody wwas gonna engage in any wwanton property destruction it wwouldvve been tavv
FCA: wwhat wwith your wwhole ridiculous wwindy thing schtick seriously wwhat the fuck is wwith that
FCA: like i get you can pick stuff up wwith little tornados and shit like that but you nearly bleww a hole in the side a gams hivve the night before since wwhen can you fuckin do that
PAT: uH, s1NCE, l1KE, aLWAYS???
PAT: gET W1TH THE T1MES, dUDE,
PAT: eVER S1NCE 1 ASCENDED, 1'VE BAS1CALLY BEEN, l1KE, a sUPER sA1YAN R1GHT OUT OF MY TROLL AN1MES,
PAT: 1 AM THE LAST A1RBENDER,
PAT: 1T'S ME,
CAC: :33 < ugh, no one cares about this!!!
CAC: :33 < just tell me what happened!!!!
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: yes i have to agree with nepeta
CAA: i want to hear about people dying!
CAA: and given that the alternative is listening to tavros talk about his terrible troll animes i believe the rest of us do too
PAT: hEY, sHUT UP, tHEY'RE NOT TERR1BLE,
PAT: tHEY'RE ART,
CAA: theyre terrible art
CAC: :33 < were not getting into this!!!
CCG: YEAH, YOU HEARD THE LADY, EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CCG: EQUIUS, TELL US HOW YOU DIED. THAT'S AN ORDER.
PCT: D --> Er
PCT: D --> Do I have to
CCG: YES, YOU KIND OF FUCKING DO!
CCG: THAT'S WHAT AN "ORDER" MEANS, JACKASS.
PCT: D --> But
PCT: D --> It's kind of embarrassing
FTA: ii want two hear thii2 two.
FTA: ii've been wonderiing how thii2 whole fucked up 2cenariio wiith you wa2 goiing two play out ever 2iince i progno2tiicated the ciircum2tance2 2urroundiing your iineviitable demii2e iin the fiir2t place.
PCC: Look, I do not sea )(ow t)(is is anyone else's business!!
PCC: --Equius said )(e does not want to talk about it, and I sea no reason w)(y )(e s)(oald )(ave to!!!!!
FTA: ff, why are YOU tryiing two cover thii2 up, ii fiigured you would want everyone two know.
FTA: were you actually iinvolved iin iit 2omehow?
PCC: Of course not!!!!
PGC: SOM3HOW 1 G3T TH3 F33L1NG YOUR3 NOT B31NG 3NT1R3LY TRUTHFUL W1TH US, M1SS P31X3S
PGC: COULD 1T B3 TH4T M1ST3R Z4HH4KS D34TH W4S 4CTU4LLY...
PGC: 4 MURD3R????? >:O
PCC: NO!!!!! >38O
PCT: D --> I wasn't murdered
PCT: D --> 100k, do we tr001y have to di%uss this
PCT: D --> It was just an a%ident
PCC: Y---ES, we were being a little CAR---EL---ESS, and t)(ere was an ACCID---ENT!
PCC: And it will NOT )(APP---EN AGAIN, so can we please just DROP IT!!!
FTA: waiit.
FTA: ii thiink ii'm 2tartiing two piiece twogether ju2t what the fuck happened here.
FTA: diid thii2 happen whiile you two were...
FTA: aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahah, oh my god!
PCC: SOLLUX, S)(UT UP!!!!
CAC: :33 < well, what happened???
FTA: no, ii don't thiink ii 2hould be the one talkiing about iit, ff would kiill me.
PCC: YOU'R---E COD DAM RIG)(T I WOULD!!!
PCC: Look, all t)(at )(appened was we were trying somet)(ing N--EW, and t)(ere was kind of an...
PCC: Um...
PCT: D --> A miscommunication
PCC: Y--ES! A miscommunication.
PCC: Because SOM--EON--E didn't say t)(e SAF--EWORD...
CCG: OH DEAR GOD.
CCG: NO, I'M DONE EVEN READING THIS CONVERSATION.
CCG: KANAYA, TELL ME WHEN THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT WHATEVER HORRID DEBAUCHERY THESE PSYCHOPATHS AER UNDOUBTEDLY GOING TO EXPOUND UPON FURTHER.
CGA: Of Course
CGA: I Find It Equally Distasteful Of Course
CGA: And Yet Like A Battlecruiser Crash I Cant Tear My Eyes Away
CAC: :33 < yeah, this is...
CAC: :33 < um ://
FTC: Hahahaha, it's motherfuckin hilarious is all what is it.
FTC: Hey fishsister, you know I'm the only brother what's allowed to up and kill that motherfucker, right?
PCC: O)(, S)(UT UP!!!
PCC: It wasn't even my fault!
PCT: D --> Well
PCT: D --> In my defense
PCT: D --> It's incredibly difficult to say anything when you can't breathe
PCC: O)(.
PCC: Um.
PCC: Okay, fine, I guess we BOT)( did not t)(ink t)(is t)(roug)( very well.
CAA: hahahahaha
PCC: >38/
CAA: im sorry im not even trying to make fun of you guys
CAA: its just
CAA: people dying is hilarious!
PAT: 1T K1ND OF 1S, yEAH,
CCG: OKAY, IS THAT IT?
CCG: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN?
PCT: D --> You were the one who asked
CCG: WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THE CAUSE OF DEATH WAS EROTIC ASPHYXIATION, I NEVER WOULD'VE FUCKING ASKED!
PCT: D --> Er, right
PCT: D --> For what it's worth
PCT: D --> Which I'll admit is probably very little
PCT: D --> I'm fairly certain it's impossible for me to be asphy%iated now
PCT: D --> Given that I'm no longer required to breathe
PCC: Yea)(. Unfor-tuna-tely, t)(at kind of t)(rows any FUTUR--E attempts out t)(e port)(ole.
PCC: T)(oug)( I suppose t)(is does open up plenty of OT)(--ER possibilities...
CCG: EUURGHRGRHKJGGLHGKHDFG.
PCC: O)(, s)(oos)(!!!
PCC: I just meant t)(at )(e could breat)(e underwater now! Get your t)(ink pan out of t)(e road-perip)(eral rainwater overflow drainage trenc)(.
FTA: iin all faiirne22, ff, you're the one who kiind of put iit there iin the fiir2t place.
CGA: Ha
PCT: D --> Hm
PCT: D --> I suppose I hadn't thought of that
PGC: Y34H, YOU C4N BR34TH3 PR3TTY MUCH 4NYWH3R3 YOU W4NT
PGC: 1TS 4 N1C3 P3RK
CCG: RIGHT, A PERK
CCG: SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BREATHE, YOU PROBABLY DON'T HAVE TO EAT, DRINK, OR SLEEP EITHER
CCG: OR USE THE HYGIENEBLOCK, PROBABLY
CCG: YOU'VE GOT IMMORTALITY, FREAKISH DURABILITY, SOME SET OF UNDOUBTEDLY RIDICULOUSLY POTENT GOD TIER POWERS
CCG: OH, AND A PAIR OF FUCKING *WINGS*, LET'S NOT FORGET THAT.
CCG: CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS, YOU JUST HIT THE JACKPOT!!!
CCG: GIVE YOURSELF A BIG PAT ON THE BACK. EXCEPT DON'T ACTUALLY DO THAT, BECAUSE YOU'LL PROBABLY JUST END UP BREAKING YOUR FUCKING BACK.
FTA: 2omebody 2ound2 jealou2.
PGC: H3H3, 1 TH1NK SO
PGC: YOU KNOW K4RKL3S, 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT3D TO 4SC3ND YOURS3LF, 1M SUR3 SOM3TH1NG COULD B3 4RR4NG3D
PGC: 1V3 GOT 4 NOOS3 JUST YOUR S1Z3 >;]
PAG: How thick is his neck?
CGA: Fourteen Inches Exactly
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, that's not even an inch thicker than mine!
CCG: OKAY, NONE OF YOU PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT MY NECK!
CCG: AND AS GRACIOUS AS YOUR OFFER OF ASSISTED SUICIDE IS, TEREZI, I THINK I'LL FUCKING PASS.
CCG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU PEOPLE CAN BE SO BLASE ABOUT THE WHOLE DYING THING. IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
CCG: AND IT'S THE KIND OF THING I'D LIKE TO AVOID FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
CAA: oh come on karkat
CAA: youre going to die eventually
CAA: everyones doing it
CCG: YEAH, I KIND OF FUCKING NOTICED!
CCG: FIRST KANAYA, AND THEN EQUIUS
CCG: AND THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING ALL YOU OTHER FUCKERS WHO DIED BEFORE THEM.
CCG: JEGUS, WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS DIE SO MUCH?
CAA: i think theres a reason for it actually
CAA: and i think its connected to all this other weird stuff going on
CAA: like magic being real and people becoming rainbow drinkers
CAA: i think these are all effects of the
CCG: THE WHAT?
PGC: 4R4D14 HUSH!
PGC: TH3YR3 NOT SUPPOS3D TO KNOW 4BOUT TH3 Y3T
PGC: 1N F4CT, YOU 4R3NT SUPPOS3D TO KNOW 4BOUT 1T 31TH3R >:/
FTA: okay, what the fuck, how come iit doe2 the flashy raiinbow effect when 2he type2 iit, but not when ii do iit?
CAA: its the twelves
CAA: theyre important
PGC: W41T, YOU TOLD H1M 4BOUT 1T TOO???
PGC: COM3 ON 4R4D14! W3 T4LK3D 4BOUT TH1S
CAA: i just mentioned it by name is all!
CAA: i didnt even know what it was
CCG: NOBODY GIVES THREE-FIFTHS OF A SHIT WHAT IT MIGHT BE RIGHT NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
CCG: BECAUSE IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, THIS IS THE SHIPPING MEMO, AND WE'RE KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING SHIPPING HERE.
CCG: UNLESS THIS UNICYCLE WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IS RELATED TO SHIPPING SOMEHOW, WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT.
CAA: i think it actually is a little
CAA: we just arent really sure how yet
FTC: Is it related at unicycles somehow?
FTC: Cause mine's all been in desperate motherfuckin need to an upgrade ever since I up and ascended.
CAA: im one hundred percent confident it has nothing to do with unicycles
FTC: Oh.
FTC: Well fuck. 0:(
PGC: W3LL K4RK4T, 1F YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT SH1PP1NG SO B4DLY
PGC: TH3N WHY DONT YOU T4LK 4BOUT TH3 *OTH3R* SH1P TH4T JUST S3T S41L R3C3NTLY?
CAC: :33 < what?
CCG: OKAY, FINE
CCG: TEREZI AND I ARE KISMESES NOW.
CCG: AND THAT'S LITERALLY ALL THE FANFARE THAT DESERVES.
PGC: OH SHOOSH
CAC: :33 < wait, seriously??
CAC: :33 < you two are hissmeses now???
PGC: W3 W3R3 "H1SSM3S3S" TH3 D4Y B3FOR3 Y3ST3RD4Y
PGC: 1 TR4CK3D K4RK1TTY DOWN TO H1S L1TTL3 H1D3Y HOL3 4ND G4V3 H1M TH3 DRUBB1NG H3S B33N N33D1NG FOR 4 WH1L3
CGA: You Did Quite A Bit More Than Give Him A Drubbing Miss Pyrope
CGA: You Also Ruined A Significant Portion Of His Wardrobe
FTA: ahahah, niice.
PGC: DO YOU OBJ3CT TO MY M3THODS, M1SS M4RY4M
CGA: No Actually I Wanted To Thank You
CGA: With A Majority Of His Apparel Out Of Commission He Had No Choice But To Let Me Personally Fashion Him Some Markedly More Stylish Attire
PCC: O)( buoy, I just WOND--ER w)(at sort of dreadful garment you )(ave crafted for your poor, unfor-tuna-te morayeel...
CCG: HEY, SHUT UP, IT'S NICE.
CCG: ER, I MEAN
CCG: IT'S ADEQUATE, ANYWAY
CCG: SURPRISINGLY COMFORTABLE, TOO
CCG: I MEAN, NOT THAT I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT FASHION OR ANYTHING
PCC: W)(ale, MAYB--E I will just )(ave to sea it for mys)(ellf...
PCC: >38;)
CCG: WHAT.
FCA: so wwait hold on a second
FCA: you an ter are kismeses noww
FCA: like proper you mean
PGC: 4S PROP3R 4S 1T G3TS
FCA: so uh
FCA: did you twwo
FCA: uh
FCA: seal the deal
CCG: ERIDAN, CAN YOUR MIND EVEN COMPREHEND THE VAST, INTERSTELLAR DISTANCE BETWEEN THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION AND WHAT CONSTITUTES YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?
CCG: NO, IT CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT OF GALACTIC PROPORTIONS.
FCA: no but im just askin is it official
CCG: YES, IT'S OFFICIAL. NOW FUCK OFF.
FCA: FUCK yes this day just gets better an better
FCA: first magic turns out to be real then the last a the caliginous ships gets sailed
FCA: only wway it could get better is the last ashen one took off too
CAC: :33 < no!!!
CAC: :33 < nobodys getting ashen shipped with anypawdy right now!!
CCG: YEAH, DON'T EVEN FUCKING TRY IT, AMPORA.
PCC: O)(! I just remembered somet)(ing I need to do!
PCC: Be rig)(t back.
PCC ceased responding to memo.
PCT: D --> What
PCT: D --> Oh, um
PCT: D --> She just left
CCG: WHAT.
CCG: WHERE THE HELL IS SHE
CCG: OH, UM, FEFRMPRHRPRHMRLBPH!!!
CGA: Oh My God
FTA: what, what the hell ii2 goiing on?
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 6 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: )(ey Kanaya.
FCC: I just stuck my tongue down your moirail's t)(roat.
CAC: :33 < what?????
FCC: >3B)
CGA: You
CGA: Detestable Little
FCC: <3<
CGA: Urrrrgh
CCG: ACK, GOD!
CCG: FEFERI, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT???
CAC: :33 < yeah feferi, why WOULD you do that??
FCC: To ruffle Kanaya's gills, obviously!
CAC: :33 < so you made him kiss you just to make her mad?
CAC: :33 < that is awful and you should f33l bad!
CGA: Yes This Is Well Beyond The Bounds Of Good Taste
CGA: Does The Word Assault Mean Anything To You Miss Peixes
FCC: O)(, come ON! It was just a kiss, t)(at's all!
FCC: It is not like I )(URT )(im or somefin, conknestly.
CCG: OH, SO AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER TO BE "HURTING" ME, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO ME JUST BECAUSE I'M YOUR KISMESIS' MOIRAIL???
CCG: NO, FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU.
FTA: hey dude, when you 2iign up to be 2omebody'2 diiamond, you're ba2iically 2ayiing you'd take a bullet for them, 2o why not a kii22 two?
FTA: a2 far a2 ii'm concerned, iit make2 you faiir game.
CCG: WELL, AS FAR AS *I'M* CONCERNED, "AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED" IS RIGHT TO THE DOOR OF YOUR RESPITEBLOCK, BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER LEAVE, YOU BASEMENT-DWELLING LOADSPONGE.
CCG: YOU AND YOUR PSYCHOTIC SEADWELLING MOIRAIL ARE VIOLATING ONE OF THE MOST BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF KISMESISSITUDE
CCG: YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH YOUR KISMESIS' OTHER QUADRANTS!
CCG: THAT IS LIKE THE FIRST RULE IN THE GODDAMN BOOK, FOR FUCK'S SAKE
FTA: well yeah, obviiou2ly you're not 2uppo2ed two hurt them or anythiing, you ju2t fuck wiith them a liittle biit.
FTA: let your kii2me2ii2 know you COULD'VE kiilled them, but you diidn't, and now they kiind of owe you one.
CCG: NO, THAT'S IDIOTIC.
CCG: SOLLUX, GET YOUR FUCKING MOIRAIL UNDER CONTROL.
CCG: OR AT LEAST TELL HER NOT TO STICK HER TONGUE IN MY MOUTH AGAIN.
CCG: OH GOD, I CAN FEEL ITS SLIMY, UNCTUOUS THRASHING IN MY THROAT JUST THINKING OF THE SOUND OF HER VOICE.
FCC: )(e)(e)(e, <3
PCT: D --> Um
PCT: D --> Feferi, just for the record
PCT: D --> And this isn't intended to be a criticism of you or anything
PCT: D --> But I think this sort of behavior is beneath you
PCT: D --> I mean on a moral level, not a societal one
FCC: You do?
PCT: D --> Well, it's just
PCT: D --> I understand that you've come to embrace the fact that you're an assertive person
PCT: D --> I admire it, a%ually
PCT: D --> But nonetheless, I believe there are some lines that should not be %ed
PCT: D --> And I STRONGLY believe that forcing an amorous act upon an individual without their e%plicit consent, regardless of its magnitude, is abso100tely una%eptable
CCG: YEAH, I DIDN'T FUCKING EXPRESSLY CONSENT TO ANYTHING.
CCG: THIS MIGHT SOUND HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT UNLIKE YOUR DEPRAVED ASSHOLE MOIRAIL, I *DON'T* WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM!
FCC: O)(.
PCT: D --> Mind you, that's just what I believe
PCT: D --> If you disagreed, I
PCT: D --> I might understand, I guess
FCC: No, I t)(ink you are rig)(t. It was really not okay.
FCC: Sorry, Karkat. 38(
CCG: I'LL CONSIDER ACCEPTING YOUR APOLOGY.
CCG: BUT THANK YOU, EQUIUS, FOR TAKING THE TIME TO SET FEFERI STRAIGHT
CCG: SINCE IT'S CLEAR THAT HER MOIRAIL IS MORE INTERESTED IN ENGAGING IN SLOPPY FORBIDDEN MAKEOUTS WITH HER THAN ACTUALLY DOING HIS FUCKING JOB.
FTA: whatever, dude, you're overreactiing.
FTA: iif you really want two get back at her and me both, why don't you tell your moiiraiil to stiick her tongue iin MY mouth.
FTA: ii get iif you don't want to be iin a marooniion wiith me, ky, that'2 fiine, but could you at lea2t make out wiith me two pi22 ff off?
CGA: I Um
CGA: Im Not Even Sure How To Respond To That
CCG: NO, JUST STOP
CCG: NOBODY IS STICKING THEIR TONGUE DOWN MY MOIRAIL'S THROAT
CCG: EXCEPT VRISKA
CCG: AND FEFERI
PGC: 4ND M3
CCG: WHAT, NO, NOT YOU!
PGC: NOP3, TOO L4T3, 1M TOT4LLY GONN4 DO 1T
PGC: OR M4YB3
PGC: JUST M4444YB3
PGC: 1 4LR34DY H4V3
PGC: >:]
CGA: No She Hasnt
CGA: Shes Being Weird Just Ignore Her
CCG: THIS IS SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
CCG: YOU'RE MAKING A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF THE QUADRANTS!
FTA: then make a mockery back, dude.
FTA: tz 2hoves her tongue down your moiiraiil'2 throat, you 2hove your throat down her2, that'2 the alterniia way.
CCG: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TELL ME TO SHOVE MY TONGUE DOWN YOUR MATESPRIT'S THROAT JUST TO GET AT TEREZI.
FTA: hey, all'2 faiir iin hate and war.
CCG: UUUUUGH.
CAA: sollux i understand what youre getting at and all
CAA: but id appreciate it if you didnt just randomly solicit me to other people
CCG: YES, THANK YOU, ARADIA.
CCG: I'M GLAD TO SEE AT LEAST ONE OF US IS ABOVE ALL THIS DISGUSTING, QUADRANT-BENDING HOOFBEASTPLAY.
CAA: oh i never said i was above anything
CAA: and if you actually did want some help in making terezi mad then i just might be willing to assist
CAA: ;)
CCG: URRRRGHRGKJTRHGKFJLDHGKLHFKDJGHDLKJFGHF
CCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE!!!!!
PGC: H4H4H4H4H4
FTA: ahahahahahahahah.
CCG: SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, ISN'T IT.
CCG: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN SPREADING THIS UNGODLY DEBAUCHERY AROUND EVER SINCE NEPETA DEIGNED TO UNFUCK YOU FROM THE QUADRANT QUAGMIRE YOU'D FUCKED YOURSELF INTO
CCG: AND WHAT A WAY TO THANK HER, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.
FTA: whatever, dude, ii'm not makiing anybody do anythiing, don't try two piin thii2 all on me.
FTA: iit'2 not liike ii can control everybody'2 miind2 or 2omethiing, all ii've got ii2 a 2weet 2et of p2iioniic2 and ab2olute ma2tery over the priimal force of ce22atiion.
FTA: iif anybody'2 re2pon2iible for iit, iit'2 probably np, 2he'2 the heart player here.
CCG: OH, DO NOT EVEN TRY TO BLAME THIS ON NEPETA, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!
FTC: Whoa, whoa, hey, I think we all need to settle the mother fuck out here.
FTC: This shit's all startin to get motherfuckin rancorous.
CCG: GAMZEE, STAY OUT OF THIS, IT'S BETWEEN ME AND THIS COLOSSAL SHITHEAP.
FTC: Naw, bro, I don't think I can do that.
CCG: WHAT.
FTC: What I'm tryin to up and say at you here is that it looks like this whole fuckin entanglement's startin to look awfully motherfuckin dark.
CCG: YOU
CCG: YOU'RE FUCKING JOKING, RIGHT?
FTC: No, man.
PAG: You know, I'm kind of siding with Gamzee here?
PAG: I have to 8e honest, Karkat, it looks like you're h8flirting with Sollux pretty hard right now.
PGC: Y34H 1T DO3S
PGC: 1M ST4RT1NG TO G3T 4 L1TTL3 J34LOUS
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO
CCG: NO, I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH ANYBODY, FUCK YOU
FTC: Hey bro, it's cool, I ain't tryin to accuse you of up and committing black infidelity or some shit as that.
FTC: I'm just all sayin maybe you should get some kind of conciliator what's across you two.
FTA: yeah, ii kind of have two agree wiith gz, thii2 look2 liike iit could be a problem.
FTA: ii mean, iif you're black for me, ii totally get iit, kk, but iif ii triied two double up on kii2me2e2, vk would probably kiill me for real.
PAG: I don't know, I miiiiiiiight 8e willing to humor it, if it meant I could get a second kismesis of my own.
FCC: VRISKA. >38/
PAG: 8ut no, I'm happy with my ashen arrangement the way it is.
PAG: So yeah, I'd pro8a8ly just kill you.
FTA: riight, 2o ii'm 2tartiing two thiink we 2hould 2eriiou2ly con2iider an au2pii2tiicii2m, and ii'd be more than happy two have gz a2 the thiird wheel.
FTC: Well shit, bro, I'd be more than happy to be your auspistice.
FCA: ahahahaha YES
FCA: FUCK YES
FCA: ivve got this shit in the fuckin BAG noww
CAC: :33 < no!!!!!
CAC: :33 < you dont have anything in the bag!!!
CAC: :33 < karkat, you cant agr33 to this!!
CAC: :33 < i cant lose my bet with eridan!
CCG: I NEVER AGREED TO ANYTHING!
CCG: NOBODY'S BEING MY FUCKING AUSPISTICE, ALRIGHT???
CGA: Karkat You Should Probably Just Go Along With It
CGA: I Think The Thing With You And Sollux Might Be A Problem
CCG: NO, KANAYA, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT
CCG: I'M NOT GIVING INTO THAT SLIMY CAPE-WEARING FUCKER'S SHIPPING MACHINATIONS AND GIVING HIM THE SATISFACTION OF WINNING HIS BET.
CCG: WE AREN'T FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. END OF STORY.
FTC: Aw, bro, you're breakin my clubs here.
FTC: And I mean clubs like in the quadrant sense, not as the clubs what I all bash at an imp or two with.
PAT: yEAH, kARKAT, wHAT THE HELL,
PAT: yOU'RE TEAR1NG MY MATESPR1T APART HERE,
PAT: 1S HE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU OR SOMETH1NG, 1S THAT 1T,
CCG: WHAT PART OF "END OF STORY" DON'T YOU FUCKING IMBECILES UNDERSTAND?
CCG: LOOK, FORGET IT, THIS MEMO IS OVER.
CCG: AND NOW I'M DECLARING AN EMERGENCY TEAM MEETING ON
CCG: HMMM, SOMEBODY GIVE ME A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND TWELVE.
PAG: Eight!!!!!!!!
CCG: OKAY, EIGHT IS LOLCAT.
CCG: EVERYBODY MEET UP OUTSIDE NEPETA'S HIVE ON LOLCAT IMMEDIATELY.
CAC: :33 < oh! what a coincidence!
PGC: Y34H, 4 CO1NC1D3NC3
PGC: SUR3, TH4TS WH4T 1T 1S
CCG: SHUT UP.
CCG: ANYWAY, I'VE GOT A FEW IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE.
CCG: UH, WAIT, SHIT
CCG: I GUESS I SHOULD ASK FIRST
CCG: NEPETA, IS NOW A GOOD TIME?
CAC: :33 < of course!
CAC: :33 < ive always got time fur a team m33ting!
CCG: NO, I MEAN
CCG: IS IT THE RIGHT TIME?
CCG: OR IS IT TOO SOON OR SOMETHING?
CAC: :33 < karkat
CAC: :33 < its the right time now
CAC: :33 < its not too soon for anything
CAC: :33 < so dont worry about it!
CCG: OKAY, GOOD.
CGA: Now See Karkat What Did I Tell You
CCG: KANAYA, SHUSH!!
CCG: ANYWAY, TEAM MEETING ON LOLCAT, RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
CCG: BE THERE OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
CCG: MEMO OVER.
CCG: NEPETA, BAN ALL THESE PEOPLE, WOULD YOU?
CAC: :33 < with pleasure!
CAC banned FCA from responding to memo.
CAC banned PGC from responding to memo.
CAC banned FTA from responding to memo.
CAC banned FTC from responding to memo.
CAC banned PAT from responding to memo.
CAC banned PAG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FCC from responding to memo.
CAC banned CAA from responding to memo.
CAC banned CGA from responding to memo.
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < done!
CCG: SW33T.
CCG: I MEAN SWEET.
CCG: ANYWAY, I ASSUME YOU'RE ALREADY THERE, SO I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT.
CAC: :33 < actually im not
CAC: :33 < i was just out doing some quests
CAC: :33 < but ill be there on the double!
CCG: OH NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH OR ANYTHING, TAKE YOUR TIME.
CCG: YOU'VE MORE THAN EARNED YOURSELF A BREAK ALREADY.
CAC: :33 < oh
CAC: :33 < well thank you, karkat!
CCG: HEY, DON'T MENTION IT.
CAC: :33 < anyway, ill be there soon!
CCG: GREAT.
CAC: :33 < okay, im leaving now
CAC: :33 < bye!
CCG: SEE YOU IN A BIT.
CAC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: <3
CCG ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

***

Karkat paced nervously at the front steps of Nepeta's towering hive. Thankfully, Kanaya's space powers meant that the two of them could get there instantly, giving him a little more time to prepare what he was going to say. He turned to his attendant moirail, squinting a little as his eyes caught the still-unfamiliar glow of her skin. "Kanaya, are you sure this is gonna work?"

"Karkat, I'm absolutely confident it will," Kanaya assured him. "There's no way she'll say no."

"That's what I thought the first time," Karkat replied, giving her a dour look. "And then I got rejected into last week."

Kanaya approached Karkat and grasped him by the shoulders, stopping him in his tracks. "Well, now you've clawed your way back into the present. You're not past you anymore. You're a new man with a new moirail and a wonderful new set of clothing."

He looked down at the clothing in question. His usual shapeless sweater had been replaced by a perfectly-fitted cardigan, black with a grey trim and buttoned up over a high-necked black undershirt. The grey symbol of Cancer took its place on the left breast. On his legs were a pair of grey slacks, a little tighter-fitting than his usual pair, but otherwise not very different. The only remarkable thing about them was the bright red belt holding them up; Kanaya insisted it was necessary to add "a splash of color," though he had to wonder just why it had to be that particular color. But still, he had to admit it was a nice outfit.

"Yeah. Thanks again for the clothes, they look great." His eyes quickly scanned over Kanaya. "Though I feel a little underdressed compared to you." She was wearing a sleeveless black God Tier robe, though with the hood off, it looked more like a fancy dress.

Kanaya chuckled lightly. "I'm sorry, would you like me to change into something else? Unfortunately, my usual attire has a gaping hole in it, but I'm sure I could muster something suitably plain."

Karkat gave her a dismissive wave. "No, no, it's fine," he said. "If you tried to find an outfit that made me look better than you, we'd be here for sweeps."

"Well..." She gave his outfit one last examination. "As proud as I am of my work, I think you might be right."

"Whatever, it's not that important," he concluded, shaking his head. "She's not gonna turn me down because of my fucking sweater."

"She's not going to turn you down period," Kanaya corrected him, taking a moment to straighten out his cardigan. "She's going to officiate her last ship right here, and you two are going to live happily ever, and that's all there is to say on the matter."

Karkat closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath, then letting it out in a calm sigh. "You're right. Thanks, Kanaya." He opened his eyes to meet Kanaya's, but her own glowing amber eyes had wandered down to stare at Karkat's neck. He sighed. "Kanaya! My eyes are up here."

Kanaya jumped, breaking out of her disconcerting ogle. "Sorry, sorry. I'm still acclimating to the whole rainbow drinker thing." Suddenly, her gaze unfocused, and she snapped her head up to the sky. "Hold on. Someone's coming."

He tried to look up at what she was staring at, but he couldn't see anything in the chamomile skies of the Land of Little Cubes and Tea. "Huh. Is that a rainbow drinker thing or a God Tier thing?"

"I'm not really sure," Kanaya admitted. "Probably a bit of both."

Sure enough, two figures were just starting to become visible on the horizon. Each was followed by a trail of colorful sparkles, one red and the other teal. Karkat groaned. "Oh great, it's just the fucking lunatic I wanted to see," he lamented, rolling his eyes.

Kanaya chuckled. "Well, at least her moirail will be here to keep her in line."

"I'm not so sure about that," Karkat replied. "Aradia's been a little... off lately. I think Terezi's a bad influence on her. You know they're doing the salmon thing too, right? And they're completely unabashed about it, too! It's fucking disgraceful!"

A voice screeched down from the sky. "I can see you talking about us down there, fuckass!"

Karkat turned and glared up at the source. "Oh yeah?! Well, why don't you take a nice, long look at this!" he shouted, raising a middle finger up at his approaching kismesis.

Terezi increased her pace toward the group, bearing down on Karkat, and Aradia hustled to keep up with her. Kanaya bit her lip in concern. "I'm not going to have to separate you two, am I?"

"Kanaya, please, I'm on official team business here," Karkat assured her, crossing his arms, "and I'm not about to get distracted by some psychotic broad who chugs genetic material like it's fucking Faygo Redpop!" He deliberately shouted the last part just to make sure Terezi heard it.

The teal-winged troll fluttered to the ground a few feet away from them, resisting the urge to make a crash landing right into Karkat. She took a look at him and sneered. "Nice sweater, dork. I can't wait to rip this one to pieces, too," she said, flashing him a wicked grin.

Karkat glared at her. "You're perfectly fucking welcome to try it after the team meeting," he cautioned her. "As it is, if you lay so much as a fucking claw on my outfit, I'm hanging you from this hivestem with your lucky dragonyy'yd boxers over your head."

"What?! You--" Terezi sputtered, glaring at Kanaya for a split second, then shaking her head. "I mean, I don't have any lucky dragonyy'd boxers!" A growing teal blush on her cheeks seemed to indicate otherwise.

"Terezi, calm down," Aradia quickly cut in, gently papping her moirail on the face. "We're here for a meeting. You two can work out your differences later."

Terezi groaned. "We just had to be the first ones here, didn't we?"

"Did you see anyone else on your way here?" Kanaya inquired.

"I'm pretty sure Eridan was trailing along behind us," Terezi answered, "because he decided to walk for some reason. He's still caught up with the whole 'magic being real' thing."

Aradia snickered. "Yeah, and I'm pretty sure the Lost Dorks tagging along with him aren't making him go any faster. I bet they stopped to rap or something."

Kanaya was the first to hear the indistinct chatter coming from higher up on Nepeta's hive, and she raised her head. "Actually, I'm guessing that's them."

The trio continued to converse as they descended the hive's many staircases. "...real, bro. I mean, shit, we're surrounded by motherfuckin miracles here," Gamzee was explaining.

"Yeah, I mean, look at me," Tavros said. "I, uh, died on a rock, and now my legs work, and I have wings, and also a bunch of cool windy powers. If that's not magic, then... uh, what would you call magic, even?"

"No, look, you all are usin' an overly-broad definition a' magic here," Eridan rebuffed. "All this shit is supernatural, I'm not denyin' that, but for fuck's sake, Alternia had psychics an' skeletons an' fuckin ghosts on it, that's nothin' new. I'm talkin' about magic as in the harnessin' of supernatural energy through nothin' more than verbal and/or gestural invocation, an' possibly the involvement of mundane physical components to either catalyze the reaction or be consumed in order to incite it."

There was a moment of silence. "Uh... could you repeat that, bro?" Gamzee eventually piped up.

Eridan sighed. "Y'know, wave your wand, say 'abracadabra,' magic comes out."

"Don't forget the pinch of sulfur!" Terezi cried up to them.

"Aw shit, I completely forgot the sulfur!" Eridan lamented, and he hustled down the stairs to meet the other four trolls. His God Tier outfit had been modified to be a little more regal, looking something like a high-ranking naval officer, complete with a cape and matching set of epaulettes. As he approached the group, he drew a glowing white wand from his strife specibus and brandished it over his head. "Okay, accio fuckin' prestigio, everybody," he chanted, and with a flourish of his wand, an aura of golden sparkles flared around him briefly. "The Wizard of Hope has arrived!"

Karkat just blinked at him. "Is fuckin' a magic word now?"

Eridan raised his nose condescendingly. "Kar, you of all people should know fuckin' is the most magical a' words."

"Well, fuck, you got me there," Karkat had to admit.

Gamzee and Tavros finished their descent and approached the group. They were both bedecked in God Tier apparel as well, though Gamzee's had been completely overhauled to strip out any clownish elements. His pinstriped violet overshirt was opened to reveal a simple undershirt with the Rage logo underneath, though it was obscured by the long, loosely-done brown necktie hanging over it. His plaid breeches terminated just high enough to reveal a pair of white socks. The beret sitting atop his unruly mop of hair completed the ensemble. Tavros' outfit, on the other hand, was mostly unmodified from its original state, the only addition being a long pair of pants in the same sky-blue shade as his shirt.

"Alright, how many motherfuckers we got here?" Gamzee asked, sizing up the group.

Tavros' eyes instantly darted to Aradia. "Oh, you're here."

Aradia glared at him. "Where's your moirail?"

"Yeah, where is your moirail?" Karkat repeated, looking at Tavros expectantly.

"Oh, I'm fine, thanks for asking," Tavros said, rolling his eyes. "Just another wonderful day of, y'know, being a person who's significant outside of my relation to Vriska and all."

Karkat sighed. "I'm asking because I wanted to bitch her out in person for all of this manipulative bullshit with Feferi. Unless you wanted me to bitch you out in her place instead."

"Karkat, please," Aradia interjected, "if anyone's going to bitch Tavros out, it's going to be me."

"Yeah, Karkles," Terezi chimed in from the sidelines, "try to keep it in your pants." Karkat just glowered at her in response.

"Look, she got bored, so she went to mess with Sollux or something," Tavros explained.

Aradia lowered her face into her hand. "Oh my god, seriously?"

"It's not like they're gonna destroy the planet or something." Tavros quickly surveyed the horizon. "Or at least, it doesn't look like they are, uh, currently."

"Look, nobody gives a flyin' fuck about that," Eridan cut in, walking up to Karkat and placing a hand on his shoulder. Karkat flinched back a little at the touch. "Kar, we gotta talk about this whole ashen thing with you an' Sol."

Karkat gave him an annoyed growl. "There isn't a fucking ashen thing with me and Sol!"

Gamzee approached the two. "Hey, I ain't tryin' to force anything to a motherfucker," he insisted, turning to Eridan. "Bro, maybe we should just drop this shit."

"I'm not droppin' anything!" Eridan snapped at him. "I'm not about to let Nep win this race on a fuckin' technicality!" He turned back to Karkat. "Come on, Kar, what's the problem here? Do you not want Gam as your auspistice, is that it?"

"Yeah, is that it?" Tavros reiterated, giving Karkat a nasty look.

"No, it's not..." Karkat let out a deep sigh and turned to Gamzee. "Look, Gamzee, it's not that I'm not ashen for you, alright? I'd be more than happy to have you become my auspistice, later. As it is, I really don't want to deal with this shit right now."

"It's cool, bro, I get you," Gamzee said.

Eridan just pointed a finger at Karkat. "I'm countin' that as consent. That's three for three, ship fuckin' sailed!" He clapped his hands, then raised them above his head in a victory pose.

Karkat just glared at the seadweller, trying to bore a hole in the back of his head with his eyes. "No it isn't!"

"Hey, you losers didn't start the meeting without us, did you?!"

Karkat and the rest turned to see Vriska and Sollux making their landing, two trails of yellow and blue sparks wafting together behind them. "Oh, fantastic, if it isn't my other two favorite people in paradox space."

Sollux smiled and pointed at him. "Love you too, KK." Karkat gagged.

"Karkat! So great to see you!" Vriska said, coming up and throwing an arm around him. "Hey, just wanted to say congrats on the thing with you and Kanaya again! You two'll be great together, I just know it."

"Why are you touching me," Karkat asked, half confused, half terrified, and half just plain angry. "And why are you trying to be nice to me?"

Vriska scoffed. "Karkat, I'm not trying to be nice, I am being nice!" she corrected him. "And obviously I'm being nice to you because we're friends now!"

Karkat didn't look impressed. "Since when have we been 'friends,' and how soon can we stop?"

"Since you became Kanaya's moirail, duh!" She rolled her eyes. "Come on, Karkat, you can't expect to be in a moirallegiance with my matesprit and not be friends with me."

"She's got you there, Kar," Eridan pointed out. "You're second-degree bros now."

The bro in question sighed deeply. "Kanaya, I don't think this is gonna work out."

Kanaya frowned, then gently pulled Vriska away from her beleagured moirail. "Look, I'm sure you two have plenty you'd love to discuss," she said, "but why don't you just do it later?"

"Yeah, yeah, alright," Vriska relented, her attention drifting to her newly-phosphorescent matesprit. "Wow, Kanaya, you look really good. The whole glowy thing suits you."

"Oh. Um, thank you." Kanaya turned away, a faint jade blush literally lighting up her face.

"So what took you two so long?" Aradia asked. "Did Vriska try to start up a fight?"

Vriska rolled her eyes and laughed. "Aradia, please, if I'd decided to start something, this whole planet would be falling apart by now. We just had to slow down 'cause this loser had to talk to his moirail," she explained, pointing her thumb back at Sollux.

"Yeah, except she was getting grilled by NP," Sollux went on. "Needless to say, I didn't want to get dragged into that shit."

At the mention of Nepeta's initials, Karkat's head jerked over to Sollux. "Wait, Nepeta was with her?"

"Yeah, and EQ was there, too," he answered. "It looked like the most awkward fucking conversation in the history of spoken language, so I kept my distance."

Karkat took a deep breath in and out, breaking out of Vriska's grip and turning away from the rest of the trolls. "Okay. She's gonna be here soon, and then we can get this meeting started. Okay."

Terezi couldn't help but chuckle. "What's the matter, Karkitty?" she needled him. "You nervous?"

"Don't call me that," he instantly snapped at her. "And no, I'm not nervous, I'm just... mentally preparing for my speech."

"Oh god, you didn't tell me there was going to be a speech," Sollux groaned, and he turned away and gave the crowd a wave. "Fuck this, I'm out of here."

"Sollux Captor, if you take another fucking step, I'm going to hurl a sickle right into the base of your fucking spine, do you hear me?!"

He laughed. "Alright, fine, I'll stay here. God, KK, you don't have to get all ashen at me."

Karkat glared at him. "Just shut the fuck up until everybody else gets here."

"I believe I hear them approaching, actually," Kanaya said, moving over to Karkat. She placed her hands on his shoulders and gently rubbed them in an effort to calm him down.

He breathed out nervously. "You're sure this makeup is gonna hold out?"

Terezi snickered. "You're wearing makeup?" she had to ask.

"It's just grey, fuck off," Karkat responded. "Just a precaution, that's all."

"That's right," Kanaya affirmed, "and no matter how impassioned your speech may get, not a bit of flush is going to come through."

Karkat breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. One less thing I have to worry about." He heard the remaining three trolls approaching, so he shut up to listen.

"...telling you, it will not happen again!" Feferi was saying as she came down the stairs.

"It better not!" Nepeta snapped at her. "Fefurry, you have to be more careful! I mean, I don't know if it's just beclaws your thing with Kanaya befur, but--"

Feferi cut her off with a groan. "Of course it's not that!"

"Nepeta, you're being too harsh," Equius interjected. "Feferi is not even fully to blame. I am equally responsible for the mishap."

"How are you responsible for it? She killed you!"

A chorus of giggles erupted among the gathered trolls, bringing the conversation to a halt. Feferi hastened down the stairs to see who was laughing. "Oh, everyone is here already!" she concluded.

Nepeta let out a dissatisfied huff. "Fine, we can talk about this later," she said, and the three of them finished their descent. Equius was clad in his God Tier attire, a simple dark blue pants/shirt combo with a long hood, and Feferi was wearing her own as well. Her robotic cuttlefish Antoine hovered dutifully over her shoulder. Nepeta, on the other hand, was wearing the outfit Kanaya had made for her just a week ago: an olive leather jacket with a white fur collar terminating right in the middle of her torso, combined with an equally midriff-baring black shirt and a form-fitting pair of blue leather pants. The other nine trolls turned to look at them, and Karkat gulped as he saw Nepeta's outfit.

"Hey bro, how's the air down here?" Gamzee asked the approaching blueblood.

"It was fine, until you tainted it with your inane vocalizations," Equius answered with a sneer. "I'd thank you not to subject us all to any more."

Gamzee held up his hands defensively. "Alright, motherfucker, I'll choke it down. Don't got to all wring my neck about it." Tavros laughed, and Equius just growled at both of them.

"Alright, alright, settle down, all a' you," Eridan cut in, glancing between the three of them. "Don't make me get my wand out."

Nepeta waved to Karkat and smiled. "Hi, Karkat! I like your outfit!"

"Oh, uh, thanks," Karkat answered. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. "Uh, yours actually looks really good too." Actually, it was her he thought looked good, but he didn't want to say that in front of everybody.

"Well, thank you!" she replied with a wide grin. "Kanaya made it fur me. And I'm guessing she made yours, too!"

"Yes, and you both look wonderful in them," Kanaya chimed in.

Feferi wandered over to her moirail, and Equius followed closely behind. As she did, she turned to Karkat and gave him a little wave of her own. "Hi Karcrab," she said with a mischievous grin. Antoine mimicked the motion, waving a tentacle at Karkat and making the sultriest noise his vocalizer unit could make.

Karkat jabbed a finger at her. "You stay the hell away from me," he ordered her, then turned his finger to Sollux. "And you make sure she stays the hell away from me."

Sollux chuckled. "Fine, dude, whatever."

"Hey, speaking of Crabcatch," Feferi said, turning to Sollux, "have you settled the whole thing with him yet or not?"

"I don't know," Sollux replied, turning to Karkat. "KK, have we settled the whole thing with us yet?"

Karkat clapped his hands. "Hey! Imagine that!" he shouted. "It's time for the team meeting to start! And that means we all need to shut up and stop talking about whatever we're talking about!"

"Pfff, whatever," Sollux said, waving him off.

"Okay, seriously, people! Let's get in order here!" Karkat commanded the throng of trolls. After a great deal of jostling, the other ten had formed a semicircle in front of Karkat, with Nepeta and Vriska standing next to each other directly across from him, and the rest standing moirail to matesprit to moirail, with Eridan and Terezi at opposite ends. Kanaya remained in her position behind Karkat.

He turned to her. "Um, Kanaya, would you mind joining the rest?"

Kanaya blinked at him. "I thought you might want me here for support."

"Yeah, I understand," Karkat replied, "and as your moirail, I'm glad you're here for me, but... as your leader, I need you to take your position. Nothing personal."

She gave him a slight bow. "As you wish," she said. "Far be it from me to expect preferential treatment in matters of rank." With that, she turned and joined the rest of the trolls, standing between Vriska and Nepeta, placing the latter firmly in the center.

"Okay!" Karkat said, clapping his hands together, and the trolls fell into silence. "Now, you're probably wondering why I've called you all here today."

"Not really," Sollux said. Terezi reached a hand behind Aradia, and he gave her a high five.

Karkat turned to him. "Sollux, with all due respect, shut the fuck up."

Feferi seconded the motion with a nudge to her moirail's ribs. "You heard him."

"Anyway, as I was saying," Karkat continued, "I called you all here today for a very important reason. And that reason has to do with Nepeta's shipping duties." He gestured to Nepeta, and the rest turned to look at her.

Nepeta gasped. "Oh! Um, okay!" She bit her lip, suddenly realizing everyone's attention was on her.

Karkat gave her a sympathetic look. "Nepeta, would you mind stepping forward? I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but..."

"No, I will, I will!" Nepeta assured him, taking a few steps forward. She looked down, brushing at her shirt and kicking a few errant cubes away from her feet, then looked back up at Karkat.

"Thank you," Karkat told her, then turned back to the group. "Now, as you all know, Kanaya and I recently became moirails," he said, gesturing to Kanaya, who simply nodded. "It's an arrangement we're both incredibly pleased with, and it wouldn't have been possible without Nepeta's help."

"Whoo, yeah!" Vriska said, clapping for the happy couple. A few others started to join her, but Karkat shut them down with a glare.

"I'll thank you to hold your applause," he said to Vriska pointedly. She just shrugged and stopped clapping. "Anyway, Nepeta," Karkat went on, "I just wanted to thank you personally for what you did for us."

Nepeta smiled nervously. "Well, of course, Karkat!" she said. "I'm always happy to help!"

Karkat nodded. "Of course. And with that quadrant established, that means you've successfully shipped eleven of the twelve ships you set out to create." He swept his hand out to the other trolls. "Now you may applaud." All ten of them did so, and Nepeta couldn't help but blush a little at all the attention.

As the applause died down, Eridan felt compelled to pipe up. "I've got all ten!"

"No you don't! I haven't agreed to anything!" Karkat shouted at him. "And don't speak out of line!"

"Bah! Foul!"

"Eridan!" Karkat and Nepeta both growled in unison. He just muttered something under his breath and gave them both a dismissive wave.

Karkat glared at him for a second longer, then turned back to Nepeta, allowing his expression to soften only slightly. "Anyway, with all that in mind, there's something I wanted to tell you."

"Oh, okay," Nepeta said, then looked away, smiling nervously. "Well, there's something I've been meaning to tell you too."

"Really?" Karkat blinked, hesitating for a second. "Well... maybe you should go first."

From the sidelines, Eridan rolled his eyes. "Kar, just tell her first!"

Karkat rolled his eyes. "And just why the fuck should I?"

"'Cause if you don't, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life," Eridan answered.

"Hm." Karkat considered it for a minute. "Okay, fine, you're probably right," he admitted, then turned back to Nepeta. "Okay, well, I'm not really telling you anything you don't already know here, but... well, I guess I just want to announce it, just so everyb--"

"Just say it already!" Terezi shouted at him.

"I'm saying it!" Karkat shouted over to her, taking an extra moment to flip her the bird again, He turned back to Nepeta. "Anyway, what I'm saying is..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and out.

"I pity you."

Nepeta stared at him blinking, not fully understanding the statement. The other trolls seemed to share the sentiment, looking at each other in confusion.

Karkat groaned. "Damn it, that still doesn't sound right for some reason," he muttered to himself. "' I'm flushed for you?' 'I have mating fondness towards you?'" Suddenly, a look of realization dawned on his face. "God damnit, I'm gonna have say it, aren't I?"

"Karkat, stop being such a tool and just say it!" Terezi ordered him.

"Fine, I'll say it!" Karkat shouted back to her, then looked Nepeta in the eyes.

"Nepeta, I love you!"

Nepeta gasped, placing a hand over her heart, and the others reacted in kind, muttering among themselves. Karkat stopped for a moment to take in the magnitude of what he'd just said. It felt so wrong somehow, using that word, like it was a vast expletive more profane than any of the countless he'd uttered in his short existence. And yet, at the same time, it felt so right, and he wanted to keep saying it over and over again until echoed throughout the entire universe.

Taking a moment to catch his breath, he continued. "I love you, and I have since... I don't know, it feels like sweeps now! I love you because you're strong, and you're kind, and you're brave, and you're just... you're such a fucking good person that I can't believe that someone like you even exists! And all I want to do is make you happy, because I realize now that that's what makes me happy more than anything else! And I just... I..." He trailed to a stop, breathing heavily. Nepeta just stared at him in shock, an olive blush burning up her face.

"I know you said you needed more time," Karkat eventually continued, "and if you still need more, then fine, whatever. I'll wait as long as it takes. But I have to know if you feel the same way about me, Nepeta. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I have to know."

Nepeta's heart raced as she continued to stare at Karkat wordlessly. This was the moment she'd been waiting for, not just for the past few weeks, but for her entire life. The boy she'd loved for ages was confessing his own love for her, and she knew in her heart it was the right time to tell him she felt the same for him. A little voice in the back of her mind told her so.

GO FOR IT, KID.

She intended to do exactly that.

Karkat looked at her pleadingly. "So? Do you?"

"Yes!" Nepeta shouted, a little more loudly than she probably should've. "Of course I love you, Karkat! I always have! And I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I just couldn't!" She looked down at the ground sadly, olive tears welling in her eyes, and the smile that had been growing on Karkat's face vanished. "And I should've told you before, but I couldn't, and I know it must've hurt you, so I'm just... I'm sorry."

Karkat slowly walked up to her. "Nepeta, you have nothing to apologize for."

Nepeta looked up at him tearfully. "But I do, though! Because you deserve better than that, Karkat! After everything you've done for all of us, after everything you've given to this team, you deserve better than to have your heart broken by a girl like me!"

"It's yours to break, Nepeta," Karkat told her, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I don't know why you couldn't tell me, but it doesn't matter now. As long as there's nothing standing between you and being my matesprit, it doesn't make a difference to me."

"Of course there isn't, Karkat," Nepeta told him.

He looked her in the eyes. "Then Nepeta... will you be my matesprit?"

Nepeta's smile threatened to break her face apart, and she threw her arms around Karkat's shoulders in an enormous hug. "Yes! Yes, of course I will!" He reeled back a little, but quickly returned the hug. The other trolls broke into applause once more, and Karkat looked up at his moirail over Nepeta's shoulder. Kanaya just smiled and nodded, her way of saying both you aren't visibly blushing and I told you so.

The two continued to hug for a moment longer until Equius took a step forward. "A-hem," he loudly cleared his throat, and Karkat nearly jumped out of his skin. "Mr. Vantas, if I might have a word with you."

Karkat immediately let go of Nepeta and looked over to her moirail in horror. "Oh god, I probably should've talked to you about this beforehand, huh?"

"Perhaps," Equius answered, regarding Karkat coolly. "Nonetheless, it would be foolish to expect you to require my permission in this matter. If Nepeta's heart is truly set on you, then there is little I could do to dissuade her."

"Uh, right," Karkat agreed, looking away.

Equius turned to his moirail. "Nepeta, do you truly wish for him to be your matesprit?"

"Yes I do!" Nepeta answered confidently.

"Very well, then." Equius gave a slight bow. "In that case, I wish you both the best."

Karkat stared at him for a second. "Yeah, thanks."

Equius turned to look straight at Karkat, his gaze lingering for a moment before he spoke again. "Of course you are aware, Mr. Vantas, that should you ever do anything to hurt Nepeta, then I will be forced to take drastic action against you. And you are doubtlessly already aware of just how strong I am, so it would be foolish to speak any further of that." He glowered at Karkat, slowly walking towards him. "But recently, a significant number of powers have fallen under my purview, and with them at my command, there is nothing you could possibly do to escape my wrath. You cannot run..." He made a move to charge at Karkat, and Karkat flinched, but as soon as he opened his eyes, Equius was nowhere to be seen.

"And you cannot hide," the voice came from behind him, and Karkat screamed and turned around to see Equius standing just inches away from him. "Are we absolutely clear?"

"Yes! We're clear!" Karkat shouted, clutching at his chest. "Just never fucking do that again!"

Equius nodded. "I shall refrain only so long as you do not give me reason to do so."

"I'm certain that he won't," Kanaya vouched, stepping toward the three of them. "And while we're discussing such pleasantries, I suppose I should address you, Miss Leijon."

Nepeta looked at her nervously. "Um, of course!"

Kanaya flashed her a pleasant smile. "Nepeta. I'm overjoyed that you finally confessed your feelings for Karkat. He cares a great deal for you, and I can tell that you care a great deal for him as well. I believe you'll be incredibly happy together as matesprits, and I hope you continue to enjoy each other's company well into the future."

"Well, thank you, Kanaya!" Nepeta said with a little bow.

"Of course." The pleasant look on Kanaya's face turned to a predatory glare. "And should you ever cease to be a positive part of my moirail's life, you should know that as a master of Space, there is nowhere in existence that goes untouched by me. Wherever you go, I will be able to find you, and I won't even need to use my chainsaw to rip you to pieces, but I just might be forced to employ it. Because even though I despise making messes, if you make one of my moirail, then I will be forced to make one of you." With a flick of her wrist, she produced a tube of lipstick in her hand, which then morphed into a very menacing--and very bloodstained--chainsaw. "Are we clear on that, Miss Leijon?"

Nepeta just stood in shock for a moment, eyes darting from Kanaya to her chainsaw and back again. "Yes! Yes, of course!" she eventually answered, nodding frantically.

With another motion, the chainsaw disappeared, and the pleasant look returned to Kanaya's face once more. "Good. Then I wish you the best."

"Okay, are you guys done now?" Karkat asked, clearly annoyed with all the ceremony. "Can we be matesprits now? Or does anybody else have any fucking objections?" Before anyone could say anything, Nepeta gave the assembled trolls a threatening look, making it clear she wasn't taking yes for an answer. "Okay then, it's official."

"Great!" Nepeta said, clapping her hands together. "In that case, there's something I'd like to do that I've been meaning to do for a while now!"

Karkat gave her a curious look. "And what's that?"

YEAH, WHAT IS THAT.

She wrapped her arms around Karkat's shoulders, placing her hands on his back, and looked at him with a pleased grin. "I'm gonna kiss the boy."

YEAH!!!!!!!!

Nepeta leaned in and planted her lips on Karkat's, engaging him in a passionate kiss. Karkat looked surprised at first, but quickly started kissing back, sliding his hands around Nepeta and pulling her closer. From the sidelines, Vriska clapped and catcalled, and a few of the other trolls joined her as well. Kanaya and Equius simply looked on in approval (though perhaps the former did so more than the latter).

Eventually, the two broke out of the kiss, and as Nepeta beamed up at Karkat, he smiled back at her earnestly. "Thank you," he said without really thinking.

"No, thank you, Karkat," Nepeta replied. "Because with this ship..." A mischievous look came upon her face, and she turned to look at Eridan. "I've got all twelve! Which means I beat you! Ha ha! In your face!"

"No, bullshit!" Eridan cried furiously. "Kar already agreed he was gonna let Gam auspistice for him! The ship is practically already sailed!"

"Well, it's not official, so it doesn't mean anything!" Nepeta insisted.

Gamzee took a step forward. "Whoa now, we ain't all got to up and start strifin' around this shit right now. Maybe we should all just level."

Equius directed a look of disapproval at him. "So are you auspisticizing for them now?"

"Hey, dude, this isn't even your business," Tavros told him, taking a step forward, "so why don't you just, I don't know, stay out of it?"

"Okay, everybody stop!" Karkat yelled, and the entire group stopped and turned to him. "Don't devolve into a gaggle of screaming assholes just yet, because this meeting isn't over, and I'm not done talking."

Sollux rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, KK, seriously? How much more shit do you need to say, dude, honestly?"

Karkat glared at him. "It's an important announcement concerning team leadership," he informed Sollux, "so why don't you just shut up and listen?"

"Fine, whatever," Sollux said with a shrug. Slowly, everyone else got back into their positions.

"Okay then," Karkat said, and he took a moment to collect his thoughts. He took a deep breath, then looked up at Nepeta. "Nepeta. This concerns you again."

"Really, Karkat?" Terezi had to ask. "What are you gonna do, promote her to co-leader just because she's your matesprit?"

Karkat glared at her. "No, that's not what I'm fucking doing!" he spat at her. "I mean, you're close, but it's not a promotion so much as it is a..." He hesitated for a moment, looking down at the ground. Eventually he muttered, "...a transfer of power."

Nepeta looked at him in surprise. "What?"

"Nepeta, I think..." He sighed and looked up at her again. "I think you should be the team leader. I mean, instead of me."

"What?" Nepeta repeated, looking utterly shocked. "You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not kidding, I'm serious," Karkat assured her, slowly stepping towards her. "I mean, you've done so much for this team, bringing everybody together and sorting all of their relationships out. You've certainly done more than I ever have. And everybody here probably respects you more than they've ever respected me, so... I just think you deserve it more than I do."

Nepeta looked at him pleadingly. "But... but Karkat, I can't be the leader! You have to be our leader!"

He frowned. "Why? You'd be a better leader than anybody else here. Certainly better than me."

"But you are a good leader, Karkat!" Nepeta insisted, walking up and grabbing him by the hands. "And you always have been! And the whole reason I did all of this was so that you could be the one to lead us!"

Karkat blinked at her. "What do you mean?"

Nepeta looked down at the ground. "Well, you were always having to deal with everyone else's relationship problems. So I thought if I dealt with everyone's quadrants and brought them all together myself, then it'd be easier for you to lead them."

"That's right!" Feferi agreed. "And now we're an unbreakable battle fleet, twelve ships strong!"

"Twenty-two ships strong," Eridan corrected her.

Karkat glared at him. "Twenty-one."

"And maybe that wasn't the main reason I shipped everyone," Nepeta had to admit, her Task still in the back of her mind, "but it was a big one! I wanted to make things easier for you. Because I know you'd be a great leader if all this silly romantic stuff was out of the way."

"But that's the thing. You're the one who brought us all together," Karkat pointed out. "Shouldn't you be the one to lead us?"

Nepeta let out a little laugh. "I'm no leader, Karkat. All I ever wanted was for everyone to get along. And now that they're doing that, my job is done. Now you're the one who has to lead us." She looked down at the ground and smiled. "It's like... all this time, I was trying to forge us all into the ultimate weapon, but now someone has to wield it." She looked up at him once more. "And who better to do that than a Knight?"

Karkat laughed. "Yeah, I guess. But..." He looked across the faces of the other trolls, each staring back at him. "Do you guys even want me to lead you? I mean, I realize I've been kind of a shitty leader in the past."

"You were under a considerable amount of stress, Karkat," Kanaya said, more to the others than to him. "Your performance was understandable. And I believe now that your circumstances have improved, there will be nothing stopping you from being a fair and equitable leader."

Eridan snickered. "Yeah, especially since Nep isn't torturin' you anymore by puttin' off all your ships until the very end."

"Hey, screw you!" Nepeta growled at him.

"Honestly, KK, I'd rather have you leading than NP," Sollux admitted, crossing his arms. "If she was in charge, she'd probably just make us all roleplay and have tea parties all the time."

"Does anyone else even want to be the leader?" Vriska asked with a confused look on her face. "It sounds like it'd just be a pain in the ass, I'd rather just do my own thing."

Terezi cackled. "Well, if Karkles isn't willing to do the job, then I might be willing to reluctantly take up the mantle," she said with a grin.

"Oh, like fuck if I'm letting you be the leader," Karkat responded, shooting her a dirty look. "If nobody else wants to do it, then I will just to keep you out of charge."

"Fine, whatever," Terezi blew him off. "I don't have to be the 'leader' to call the shots anyway. But just keep in mind you'll only stay in that position as long as you're fulfilling it competently." Karkat just huffed.

"I think you shoald be our leader, Carpkat!" Feferi said. "You have a reel passion for it, and that's all that reely matters!" Antoine hovered forward a bit in front of her, nodding excitedly and trilling in agreement.

Karkat looked at her in disbelief. "Seriously?"

She flashed him a wide grin. "Shore! I mean, I don't want to do it. All that strategy stuff sounds boring anywave."

"Yeah, and we have quite a bit of strategizing ahead of us," Aradia said. "And it's not going to end after we beat the Black King, either. We need somebody who's willing to commit to it." She smiled at him. "And you seem to love taking up impossible causes, so you'd be perfect!"

He stared at her unnverved for a second, then glanced back and forth to the other trolls. "Do you guys seriously still want me to be your leader?"

"Sure, brother," Gamzee answered, giving him two thumbs up. "You've always been decent by all of us, so I figure you'd make the best motherfucker for the job."

"Yeah, even if you were kind of a dick for a while, that doesn't make you a bad person or anything," Tavros agreed. "Uh, as long as you realize you were being a dick, anyway. And I mean, try not to be so much? Which I, uh, guess you're doing, so yeah."

Equius just crossed his arms. "I have no objections."

Karkat looked to each of the trolls one after the other, then stood up straight, suddenly filled with inspiration. "Fine, then. I'll remain the team leader," he said authoritatively. "But just keep in mind I'm going to be taking my job a lot more seriously from now on."

"Not too seriously, I hope," Vriska replied. "We're all perfectly capable of handling ourselves, you know."

Karkat scoffed. "Well, yeah, we kind of bent this game over our knee and beat it until its skin peeled off. Obviously, ten God Tier nutjobs aren't gonna need my flawless tactical guidance to blow things to hell." He took a deep breath in and out. "What I mean is that leadership is a serious responsibility, and it's not one I'm going to take for granted. But I expect the same kind of commitment from the rest of you. Are we clear on that?"

Nepeta stood up straight, giving Karkat an attentive salute. "Sir yes sir!" The rest of the trolls mumbled in assent as well.

Karkat couldn't help but chuckle a little to himself. "That never gets old," he mused to himself, then shook his head. "Anyway, good. I know you guys are all capable individuals, so I'm not going to wait on you prong and fucking nub and dictate your every move. All I ask is that we all work toward the same goal. Because as long as the twelve of us are united in a single purpose, there isn't a thing in paradox space that can stop us."

"Yeah!" Nepeta cried, thrusting a fist in the air, and the other trolls let out a cheer with her.

"Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say," Karkat concluded, looking rather satisfied with himself.

"So are we done with this meeting already?" Sollux piped up.

Karkat gave him a sidelong glance. "Almost. There's still one more thing I want to get out of the way." Sollux groaned, but resisted the urge to say anything further.

"Oh?" Terezi leaned towards Karkat, giving a curious sniff in his direction. "What is it, Mr. Vantas? Is there some other flushed revelation you wished to make?" she asked knowingly.

He hesitated a bit before he answered. "Not exactly. There's someone else who deserves to know first." He took a step toward Nepeta, grabbing her hands in his own, and she looked at him curiously. "Nepeta, this is something I've been putting off for a while, but I'm gonna have to do it eventually. And if I'm gonna do it with anybody, I'd rather do it with you."

A few of the trolls snickered from the sidelines. Karkat and Nepeta turned to them simultaneously. "Shut up!"

Nepeta turned back to Karkat. "Well, what is it?"

"Well, it'll require you to stay here, and me to go back to my planet," he answered. "And you'll probably want Equius to be here too. But... after that, we'll be together."

Nepeta took a moment to consider just what he was suggesting. It was a daunting prospect, ascending to God Tier. But Nepeta had completed her Task, and as such, she'd basically mastered her aspect already. And if she and Karkat both ascended, then it would mean that they could literally be together forever.

The choice was clear. "I'll do it."

Karkat looked a little stunned at how quickly she'd made the decision. Equius did as well, taking a step toward his moirail. "Nepeta, are you absolutely certain you want to do this?"

"Yes," she answered solemnly. "This is the right time. I can feel it."

Equis nodded. "Okay. Whenever you're ready, we shall depart for your Quest Bed."

Karkat looked at her nervously. "In that case, you might want to wait until after this to say we're matesprits," he told her. "There's something I have to show you that... might change your mind."

"I doubt that," Nepeta quickly assured him.

He didn't look all that convinced. "Well, just wait until you see it." He turned to walk over to Kanaya. "Anyway, I'll contact you when I get there, and we can... synchronize the whole thing, I guess."

Nepeta smiled at him. "See you on the Battlefield, Karkat!"

"Yeah. See you there."

***

On the highest granulated mountaintop of the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, Nepeta sat on the floor of her Quest Recuperacoon, staring at her tablet computer. Equius stood vigilant beside her, a glimmering diamond bow clasped in his hands. Beyond the walls of the enclosement, the Battlefield had just begun to dip below the horizon, setting the atmosphere ablaze in a brilliant shade of hibiscus. But even though the sky was visible from the opening above her, Nepeta didn't look up. Her attention remained solely on the device in her hands, waiting for a message from the man she loved.

Equius eventually felt the urge to speak up. "So are you truly ready to go through with this?"

"Yeah, Equius," Nepeta answered, her gaze unfaltering. "Everyone else has already done it, so I'd have to eventually."

"But you're doing it for him." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

Nepeta waited a bit before she answered. "Yeah."

Equius slowly nodded. "You really love him, don't you?"

She nodded. "More than anything." Suddenly realizing what she said, she turned to look at Equius. "Well, maybe not more than you, but..."

"No, I understand," Equius cut her off. "I'm happy for you. You've done more than enough to earn the right to him."

Nepeta looked down at the floor, suddenly feeling guilty. "I'm sorry for not being honest about it with you before, Equius."

Equius shook his head. "You apologize too much, Nepeta, You have nothing to be sorry for. If I'd wished to pry so deeply, I would've been more insistent."

"You shouldn't have had to, though," Nepeta told him. "I mean, normally, I would've told you, but... I had a really good reason for not doing it. It'd sound silly if I told you what it was, but I really did."

"I believe you, Nepeta," Equius said. "And you are forgiven."

She bowed her head in a nod. "Thank you."

An alert noise emitted from the tablet in her hands, and Nepeta jumped in her seat, attention instantly turning back to the device. "It's him!" she said, and quickly opened the Trollian window.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CG: OKAY, I JUST ARRIVED AT MY QUEST RECUPERACOON.
AC: :33 < great!
AC: :33 < ive b33n here fur a while, so im ready!
CG: OKAY
CG: SO YOU’RE READY TO, UM
CG: GO THROUGH WITH IT?
AC: :33 < i think so
AC: :33 < are you nervous?
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M NOT NERVOUS, I’M PUMPED.
CG: I’M ABOUT TO LIVE UP TO MY END OF A SUICIDE PACT, AND I COULDN’T BE MORE FUCKING STOKED ABOUT IT.
AC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < thats sarcasm, right?
CG: NO, I’M ACTUALLY COMPLETELY SERIOUS.
CG: SERIOUSLY, A DOUBLE SUICIDE WITH YOUR MATESPRIT IS LIKE THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER, THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.
CG: I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN ONE, EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE, YOU KNOW
CG: DYING PART.
AC: :33 < ://
CG: SORRY, I’M JUST BEING CREEPY NOW, AREN’T I.
AC: :33 < no, not at all!
AC: :33 < i think its adorable actually <3
CG: HEY, I’M NOT ADORABLE, I’M
CG: WELL
CG: OKAY, FUCK IT, I’M ADORABLE.
AC: :33 < thats right you are! h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway i get what youre f33ling
AC: :33 < im kind of excited too!
AC: :33 < maybe not as much fur the actual dying part
AC: :33 < but fur the part that comes afterwards
AC: :33 < >:33
CG: UM
CG: YOU MEAN
AC: :33 < lets just say i may have written a piece of fiction about it
CG: OH.
CG: A PIECE OF FICTION?
AC: :33 < would you like a preview?
CG: UH, SURE.
AC: :33 < okay, take a quick look at this
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "requited (nl/kv) [tw: bloodplay].doc" --
AC: :33 < i assumed you were a limeblood when i wrote it
AC: :33 < its kind of a cliche, i know
AC: :33 < so just substitute whatefur your real blood color is
CG: UH
CG: WOW
CG: THIS IS REALLY...
CG: WOW.
AC: :33 < i actually wrote that one purretty recently
AC: :33 < so what do you think?
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT
CG: SUDDENLY I CAN’T DIE FAST ENOUGH.
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < yeah, i cant wait either!
CG: BUT, UM
CG: ABOUT THE BLOOD THING
AC: :33 < oh, um
AC: :33 < sorry, i guess i shouldve told you
AC: :33 < i kind of have a thing fur blood
AC: :33 < like, a really big thing
AC: :33 < that efurryone else thinks is really weird
CG: YEAH, THIS IS REALLY KIND OF
CG: DETAILED.
AC: :33 < sorry!
AC: :33 < its kind of my specialty though
CG: NO, IT’S FINE, I GET THAT. SO YOU HAVE A THING FOR MESSING WITH PEOPLE’S BLOOD, WHO AM I TO JUDGE.
CG: I WAS ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT, WELL
CG: MY BLOOD SPECIFICALLY.
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < well what about it?
CG: WELL, IT’S JUST
CG: THE COLOR, SPECIFICALLY.
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < well i can tell you right now, karkat
AC: :33 < it doesnt make a diffurence to me what color your blood is!
AC: :33 < it could be maroon red or tyrian purple or anywhere in betw33n, and i wouldnt love you any less fur it!
CG: REALLY?
AC: :33 < yeah!
CG: LIKE, EVEN IF, HYPOTHETICALLY
CG: IT WERE SOMETHING CRAZY, LIKE PITCH BLACK, OR BRIGHT CANDY RED, OR GLOWING RADIOACTIVE GREEN OR SOMETHING?
AC: :33 < karkat, it could be all thr33 of those mixed together, and i still wouldnt care!
AC: :33 < the color of your blood doesnt matter to me, karkat
AC: :33 < all that matters is that youre you!
AC: :33 < so whatever kind of blood you have, dont be ashamed of it
AC: :33 < because ill love you all the same!
CG: OH.
CG: WELL, THAT’S GOOD TO HEAR, I GUESS.
CG: I MEAN, PERSONALLY, I STILL THINK IT’S SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, BUT AT LEAST YOU’RE WILLING TO TOLERATE IT.
AC: :33 < karkat dont be!
AC: :33 < i mean it, it doesnt matter
AC: :33 < not to me, and not to anybody else, either!
AC: :33 < not even equius, and you know how he was before!
AC: :33 < so please dont be ashamed!
AC: :33 < whatever color of blood you might have, its special because its yours
AC: :33 < so embrace it!
AC: :33 < i know i will, and i havent even s33n it yet!
CG: REALLY?
AC: :33 < yes, really
CG: WELL
CG: OKAY, I GUESS.
CG: YOU’VE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE, SO YOU MUST BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS TOO.
AC: :33 < yeah, thats right!
AC: :33 < ill accept you for who you are, karkat
AC: :33 < and im pretty sure everyone else will too
AC: :33 < and if they dont, then ill just MAKE them accept you!!!
CG: HAHA, YEAH, YOU TOTALLY COULD.
CG: THANKS, NEPETA. FOR EVERYTHING, REALLY.
AC: :33 < of course!
AC: :33 < and thank you too, karkat
AC: :33 < ive wanted to be your matesprit for so long
AC: :33 < so youve made me the happiest girl in paradox space!
CG: THAT’S GREAT.
CG: NO SERIOUSLY, I’M JUST
CG: FUCK, MY FACE HURTS FROM SMILING SO MUCH
CG: I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PERSON, NEPETA, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
AC: :33 < h33 h33, youd better get used to it!
AC: :33 < because im not gonna stop, karkat
AC: :33 < im gonna make you happy for the rest of your life!!!
CG: AFTER I DIE, YOU MEAN.
AC: :33 < right
CG: SPEAKING OF WHICH, I THINK WE’VE DAWDLED LONG ENOUGH HERE.
CG: KANAYA’S GOT HER CHAINSAW OUT, AND SHE’S STARTING TO GET IMPATIENT.
AC: :33 < oh, okay!
AC: :33 < well, im ready when you are
CG: I’M READY RIGHT NOW.
AC: :33 < okay
AC: :33 < then i guess we better do it already
CG: YEAH.
CG: I GUESS I’LL SEE YOU ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
AC: :33 < yeah, ill s33 you there!
CG: OKAY.
CG: BYE, NEPETA.
AC: :33 < bye karkat!
AC: :33 < <3
CG: <3

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta set the tablet down. "Okay, he's about to do it!" she said, turning to Equius. "Let's get this over with already."

Equius nodded. "In that case, you should lie down," he told her, and she quickly did so, clasping her hands over her stomach. "And I would prefer to, um... perform the rite while you were unconscious."

"I don't know, Equius," Nepeta said, looking up at him. "I'm not sure if I can fall asleep. I'm too excited!"

"Don't worry. I have a solution in mind." He raised his hand, an aura of black energy rising from it. "If you would permit it, of course."

Nepeta looked at him curiously. "Some kind of Voidy thing? Well, okay, if you think it'll work." She closed her eyes and waited.

Equius bowed his head to peer down at her. "Okay. I will see you again soon, Nepeta."

"Of course," Nepeta replied, eyes still closed. "See you soon, Equius."

Beneath the darkness of her closed eyelids, an even deeper blackness crept over Nepeta's eyesight, and soon she found herself smothered in the void of sleep. She felt herself awaken in her dream body, and the white noise of Derse filtered into her ears from the window of her tower, but she didn't stir. There was no other troll to visit on the moon, and the only person she wished to see was twelve planets away, slumbering in a tower of gold. But she knew she would see him soon, so she simply waited. And soon enough, she felt an intangible force piercing her chest, and olive blood seeped from a wound inflicted a thousand miles away.

With a final breath, Nepeta Leijon was dead.

***

Nepeta Leijon opened her eyes, and she was alive.

The first thing she noticed was that she wasn't standing on solid ground. She looked down to see the checkerboard sprawl of the Battlefield about fifty feet beneath her. All around her were minor signs of conflict passed, but there was no one present at the moment. She looked up, and directly above her, just barely visible in the sky, was the distant moon of Derse.

Having fully taken in her surroundings, she then took a moment to look at herself. As she expected, she was clad in the pink and burgundy attire of a Heart player. The sleeveless tunic left her arms bare, though a pair of fingerless gloves climbed nearly to her elbows. Over her legs were a pair of pink tights, which terminated into a lovely pair of bright blue boots. She had a large, high-collared hood around her head, with two buttons securing it around her horns. She felt something on her face as well, and reaching her hand up, it seemed as though she was wearing some kind of domino mask as well. She laughed. A perfect item to complete the ensemble of a Rogue.

She suddenly noticed that she was bobbing slightly up and down in the air, reminding her that she now had a pair of wings as well. Two gossamer green wings extended from her back, each made of three large, concave spikes like the leaves of a tropical plant. They flapped idly, instincts she didn't even know she had kicking in to keep her afloat, and a little sprinkling of olive sparkles fell from them with each gentle beat.

Her survey of her new form complete, she had only one goal in mind: finding her matesprit.

Nepeta closed her eyes, calling upon the powers of Heart, and a cascade of lines appeared in her vision, some rising up into the stratosphere and others piercing down into the ground. They came in all shapes and colors, one solid and white, one jagged and black, two twisting together in fluctuating shades of grey, and the rest in a rainbow of other hues. But one in particular, a bright and pulsating red, diverged from the others, running forward into the horizon of the Battlefield. She was no Seer, so she knew she wasn't seeing the souls of her friends. But she'd be a poor Rogue if she didn't know where she'd kept the pieces of her own.

She swooped down, eagerly tracing the red line to its destination. As she did, she idly surveyed the state of the Battlefield. With the help of the trolls, the tide had turned in the favor of the Prospitians. White carapacians, dressed in the colors of various aspects and augmented with their powers, held their ground in a long defensive circle around the Dersites' last remaining bastion. Brigades of angels from Eridan's planet flew ceaseless patrols in the skies, and several iterations of Aradia appeared in places to help out as well, a great sphere of them visible around the Black King to hold his powers at bay. Nepeta waved to a group of them as she passed by, and they smiled and waved back at her in unison.

The golden moon of Prospit slowly dawned over the horizon as Nepeta glided on, and as it came overhead, the line she was following finally reached its end. At its terminus, standing on the ground below her, was Karkat. He too was clad in his God Tier garb, a fairly simple long-sleeved shirt and pants combo, with a long brown cape and a pair of dark grey shoes. If he had a hood, he'd since taken it off to reveal his messy black hair.

Nepeta grinned excitedly. "Karkat!" she shouted down at him, and he turned to face her, giving a nervous wave. Before he could say anything in response, she dove down towards him with her arms open wide. Karkat planted his feet firmly in the ground and just barely stayed standing as she enveloped him in a merciless pouncehug.

"Fuck, Nepeta, are you trying to kill me?" Karkat asked, still smiling despite how annoyed he sounded. "I just died once, I don't want an encore already!"

"Hee hee, sorry! But I'm just so excited to see you!" She surprised him by leaning forward and planting a kiss right on his lips. "You look great!"

"Uh, thanks, you too. Though I have to say, I think the mask is a little goofy." He gave her a suspicious look. "How do I even know you're the real Nepeta? I can't even tell with your face covered up like that."

Nepeta giggled. "You got me! I'm actually an impawster, come here to steal your heart!" she told him, clawing at the air in an attempt to look menacing.

Karkat laughed. "Well, you're too late. The real Nepeta already got it."

"That's right, I did!" Nepeta said with a satisfied smirk. "But anyway, where are your wings, Karkat?" A concerned look came upon your face. "You have wings, right?"

He looked away, biting his lip. "Well, yeah, but... they're the same color as my blood."

She looked at him sympathetically. "Karkat, I already told you, it doesn't matter to me what color your blood is."

"Well, it's easy to say something like that," Karkat replied, "but somehow I think you might change your mind if you actually knew what it was."

Nepeta sighed, then released Karkat and took a step back. "Then show me. It won't make a difference. I promise."

Karkat looked at her for a long moment, then looked at the ground and sighed. "Well, I guess you'd find out eventually. Okay, here goes..." He closed his eyes, and after a moment's concentration, two wings sprouted from his back.

Two large, rounded, bright red wings.

Nepeta gasped, covering her mouth in shock. Karkat looked up at her, and a pained expression came upon his face as he registered her reaction. She eventually worked up the nerve to speak. "It's... red? Bright candy red? That's really your blood color?"

"Yeah," Karkat answered dejectedly.

She stepped towards him, gently lifting his hand with her own and raising a claw over it. "Can I?"

"Sure, I guess."

She gently pricked the tip of his middle finger with her clawtip, and a drop of blood welled up on it. Sure enough, it was the same shade of red as his wings. She raised it up to eye level, staring at it fascinatedly, then smeared it onto her thumb. "It's like a cholerbear's. No, even brighter! It's..."

Karkat sighed deeply. "Yeah, I'm a fucking mutant," he admitted. "So low on the Hemospectrum that I'm not even on the fucking thing. That's why I've been hiding it this whole time, because if anybody caught wind of it, I'd be culled faster than you could say 'send in the drones.'"

Nepeta just continued to stare at the blood on her fingers. "Yeah... I can't even imagine..."

"So if you want to write me out of your life now, I understand," Karkat said. "Or hell, if you just want to cull me, go right the fuck ahead. It's not like I'd have anything to live for anyway."

She shook herself out of her trance, dropping her hand and looking at him in horror. "Karkat, I would never do that!" she nearly shouted. "I mean... this is really surprising, sure, but... it doesn't matter! It doesn't change the way I feel about you at all!"

He looked at her in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yes, really!" She looked away for a moment. "I mean, if you'd been a different rank than me, I would've been worried that you would outlive me... or I would outlive you. But now that we both ascended, that doesn't matter anymore. None of it matters!"

"I guess not," Karkat admitted. "But... you're really okay with it?"

"Of course I'm okay with it," Nepeta answered. "If anything, I'm actually glad!"

Karkat gave her a confounded look. "Why the fuck would you be glad?"

"Because it makes you unique!" she answered. "It just confirms that you're a troll unlike any other. And you're all mine." She raised her bloodstained hand to him. "And your blood is bright, flushed red, just like I am for you."

He just gaped at her for a second. "Did you actually just say that?"

She doubled over in a giggling fit. "Yeah, I have to admit, that was really cheesy."

"No, it was great," Karkat assured her. "It's like a line right out of a mediocre romcom. I love that I have a matesprit who says shit like this. I just..." He opened his arms, and Nepeta took the hint, quickly grabbing him in a hug. "I love you, Nepeta."

"I love you too, Karkat."

Karkat frowned over her shoulder. "You know, I hate to bring this up right now, but I have to ask."

Nepeta pulled back and looked at him. "What is it?"

"Whatever happened to 'Karkitty?'" he asked her. "You used to call me that all the time, and then one day, you just stopped."

"Oh," Nepeta said, looking away with embarrassment. "Well, you told me to stop calling you that, remember? So I stopped calling you that."

Karkat grimaced as he recalled the conversation where he gave her that order, clasping a hand over his face. "Fuck, I did tell you that, didn't I." He sighed and looked Nepeta in the eyes. "Look, Nepeta, call me whatever the fuck you want, okay? If you want to call me Karkitty, call me Karkitty."

She frowned at him. "But... you think it's annoying, don't you?"

"Nepeta, nothing you do annoys me anymore," Karkat told her. He suddenly reconsidered that statement. "Okay, that's not true, there are a few things. But 'Karkitty' isn't one of them. So by all means."

"Okay then, Karkitty it is!" Nepeta declared, gently poking the tip of his nose with her finger.

He laughed. "Excellent. I'm beginning to tolerate it already." After a moment of silence, he looked around the abandoned Battlefield, then turned back to Nepeta. "So... what now?"

Nepeta grinned at him. "Well, I say now we should get out of this dump and go somewhere a little more private. So... your hive or mine?"

"Uh..." Karkat gulped at the implications of her question, but quickly began pondering an answer. "Well, if we go to my hive, Terezi's my server player, but yours is..." He trailed off, shoulders slumping in realization. "Fuck. We pretty much both picked the absolute worst troll to be our kismesis, didn't we?"

"Ugh, yeah, I guess we did," Nepeta admitted. "Well, we could always go some other place than one of our hives. No one will be able to see us then."

"No, fuck that," Karkat declared. "I'm not dragging my matesprit to some hole in the wall in the middle of fucking nowhere on our first date. I'm taking you to your hive or mine, damn the consequences, because that's the way my lusus raised me!"

Nepeta stared at him for a second. "Well, okay, if you insist. But where should we go?"

Karkat scratched his chin. "We'll go to my hive," he decided. "Terezi already knows what color my blood is, so it won't matter if she decides to spy on us." Suddenly, something struck him. "Wait, shit, I just realized something. Fuck, I didn't even think about that!"

"What is it?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to get off of Skaia?" Karkat asked her. "I mean, you can get out of here just fine, but I can't get out of here without leaving a trail of mutant red sparkles behind me. Fuck!" He slapped his palm against his forehead. "Maybe Kanaya can get me out of here. But does she even know I need the help? Damnit, I should've told her to just teleport here later. God, I didn't think this through at all!"

Nepeta grabbed him by the arm and shook him out of his rant. "Karkat! It's okay, I have a solution!"

He looked over to her. "Oh. Well, what is it?"

"It's easy! Just put your wings away," she told him. He quickly complied, and as soon as he did so, Nepeta reached around and lifted him off the ground, one arm under his back and the other under his knees.

"Whoa, hey!" Karkat cried as she picked him up. "Jegus, Nepeta, warn a guy before you do things like this!"

"Hee hee, sorry," Nepeta said. Then, with a quick series of wingbeats, she lifted the two of them off the ground. "There, see? Now I can take you wherever we need to go!"

Karkat looked at the ground below them as they ascended. "Oh. Well this works, I guess," he admitted. "Though I have to say, this isn't how I pictured this going."

Nepeta cast her gaze to the sky, finding the Land of Pulse and Haze and ascending towards it. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, it's just..." He crossed his arms. "It's not exactly a romantic comedy moment, you know?"

"Sure it is!" Nepeta insisted with a grin. "The hero hooks up with the romantic interest, and they both fly off into the sunrise. What could possibly be more romantic?"

"Well, you've got a point, but I think I should be..." He trailed off as he came to a realization. "Actually, you're right. I guess you are a better fit for the leading role. Which makes me perfectly cast as the hilariously unsympathetic romantic lead."

Nepeta frowned. "You aren't unsympathetic!"

He scoffed. "No, I'm pretty sure I am. I'm basically Troll Eva Mendes in my favorite Troll Will Smith movie, where he spends the entire last act trying to get back together with her, even though she ruined his career and nearly got him culled. Seriously, Nepeta, I don't deserve you."

"Sure you do!" Nepeta insured him, then turned to him with a smile. "And even if you don't, don't you think I deserve you?"

"Nepeta, you'd have to have committed some seriously heinous crimes to deserve me."

She giggled. "Oh hush, you know what I meant!"

"Yeah, sure I did." He looked down at the ground again. "So... after we get to my hive, what are we going to do?"

Nepeta gave him a sly look. "What do you think we're going t do?"

Karkat gulped. "Uh, yeah, I kind of got that," he said. "But I mean, was there anything else you wanted to do? I mean, like afterwards? Or beforehand, maybe?"

"Oh. I don't know!" she answered. "I hadn't really thought about it. What do you have in mind?"

"I don't know, we could play a game grub, watch TV, maybe watch a movie..."

"A movie would be nice!" Nepeta said. "Anything in particular you think we should watch?"

He let out a dry laugh. "Yeah. Anything but a fucking romantic comedy."

She laughed in turn. "Amen to that."