Chapter Text
In. Hold. Out.
In. Hold. Out.
Nana wasn't even pretending to not let Hikari see her calm herself now. She hadn't for some time, in truth. Honesty was really the least Hikari deserved, for being a not insubstantial part of why Nana was able to breathe at least a little easier. Breathe at all, really.
Things were… better. A little. Well no, things were a lot better, but that felt too positive a spin when it had less to do with how well Nana was doing now and more to do with how well she absolutely was not doing a few months ago.
At least now she could think of things other than the jealousy. The jealousy and how much she hated herself for the jealousy. It still happened, of course. The smallest thing was all it took and her mind would be on Her again. Hours at a time, obsessing over the fact Karen had mentioned Junna on call with Hikari and that meant that Karen had spoken to Her which meant now Nana was thinking about all the things in Junna's life that would be shared with others but would never be shared with Nana because Nana had given up the right to anything by trying to take everything.
At least it wasn't constant. Entire stretches of days, even weeks would go by where Nana could at the very least function. It was a frail peace, in truth. Avoidance was the only strategy she had, nothing would make the actual thought spirals themselves any less severe when they occurred. The only way for Nana to have peace from herself was to think of Junna as little as possible, which was in itself a special kind of torture.
She had to, of course. The train had departed the station. The question of "what about us?" had been answered.
There was no us.
There had been, and now there was not. Nana had to accept that. Had to accept that life moved on, that everyone moved on, that She moved on. Maybe if she kept thinking that, she could delude herself into believing that if she really did accept it, then Nana could move on. As if she could ever accept not mattering.
"Nana," Hikari's voice interrupted her twisting thoughts, for what must be the thousandth time. "Are you going to be OK?"
Nana took another breath. In. Hold. Out. "Probably not." Honesty, right?
"I can tell them you're sick," Hikari offered.
Aijou Karen: Hey Junjun! Is that everyone now??
Tsuyuzaki Mahiru: I think so!
Hikari's eyes stayed on Nana's face, even though Nana herself glanced down at the screen. She mattered to Hikari. She truly did. That should have been enough. Today, it would have to be. "They'll all know why," Nana said softly.
"So?" Hikari said. "Exes avoid each other all the time."
Nana flinched at the word. Ridiculous, it was definitionally what they were, but that made it no less painful to hear spoken so plainly. As if it was all so simple, so mundane. Which of course, it was. Daiba Nana was not special, her pain was not special. All that was unique was her adamant refusal to acknowledge those facts.
“Sorry,” Hikari said, seeing Nana’s reaction.
“No, it’s alright,” Nana said. She took another breath. In. Hold. Out. The view outside their window was so perfectly ingrained now, even if she closed her eyes she could see every pattern of every brick on every building. She turned her gaze back to Hikari, with the eternal image of these ephemeral London months held in her mind. “I can’t avoid reality forever, Hikari.”
Hikari’s lips twitched, gently pursing for a moment or two. If there was anyone alive who understood that almost as well as Nana, it was Hikari. “OK,” Hikari said, “but you’re coming with me to the chippy after.”
Nana laughed despite herself. “It’s terrible, but alright.”
Hikari gave a tiny smile. Normally, Nana would have complained about Hikari’s preference for unhealthy takeaway slop over Nana’s nutritious home cooking, but, well, there was every likelihood she wouldn’t be particularly up for cooking this afternoon.
The call had already started, Nana was eighth to join, before Hikari made it nine.
“Hello, everybody,” Nana smiled gently. “Sorry we’re a little late!”
“That’s OK!” Karen beamed from her little portrait. “Just happy you’re both here! Hi!”
Hikari smiled again. Still small, but she mattered enough to Nana that Nana knew how genuine it was. And maybe today, that could be enough to make the smile on Nana’s face just a little bit realer.
Nana missed them all so terribly.
She was trying to be happy for them, to share in the joys of their lives, from the dizzying highs of Maya’s auditorium-filling show-stopping lead debut with the New National, to the beautiful mundanity of Mahiru finding a newer healthier stew recipe that Futaba loved.
It just hurt so much not to see it all. It wasn’t enough to simply hear about them from half a world away. Why had Nana thought that it ever would be.
But Nana couldn’t miss a single word. It wasn’t enough, but she still needed it. It wasn’t just better than nothing, it was just that everything was a lot smaller than it used to be.
“—And then Mahiru said she didn’t want any, and I knew she only said that so I’d eat all of it,” Karen was rambling. “And that’s a non non! So when she tried to argue, I picked up the spoon, and—” She giggled, miming raising a spoon and shoving it towards the camera.
Mahiru waved her hands at her own camera, blushing furiously and desperately attempting to stop Karen from continuing to share the embarrassing story of having a dessert fed to her.
That was… romantic, wasn’t it? Couple behaviour? Flirting at the very least. Nana glanced across to Hikari, who didn’t seem to be upset at all about the idea of the girl Nana was almost certain Hikari was in love with apparently going on a date with Mahiru? If anything, Hikari had a tiny smile on her face at Karen’s antics. Did she just not understand the implications here? Nana was going insane with bitterness over simply not being there to smile and laugh along with Karen’s behaviour, she couldn’t imagine how badly she’d react if she heard about Junna feeding a girl matcha ice cream.
Speaking of Junna…
No. No Nana couldn’t. It was probably a mercy that Junna had barely spoken thus far. Even glancing towards Her felt like a death blow to Nana’s delicately maintained composure, what little was left of it. Nana could feel her heart seizing the few times She had spoken, every word, every quiet interjection spiking Nana’s anxiety that Junna might begin talking about Her new casual thing.
It was… pathetic, Nana knew. To know in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to handle hearing that. To know that she would be caught between staying in agony, or leaving the call in tears. To miss the remainder of her most cherished friends telling her about their lives, and knowing that they all would know why she left. She wished she could be a stronger woman than that.
But then, Nana always wished, futilely, that she could be a better woman.
“Junjun!” Karen finished her story with a grin.
In.
“How are things with you? How’s America!?”
Hold.
At least Karen hadn’t asked about Maria.
“Oh, um,” Junna fidgeted awkwardly, “it’s… OK. Um.” She took a quick breath. “OK I might as well say it before anyone asks. I broke up with Maria.”
Ou—
Nana nearly choked on her own exhalation. What!?
“Sorry to ruin your gossip,” Junna added bitterly.
“Oh nooo, I’m so sorry!” Karen said, as the others echoed their commiserations.
Nana didn’t trust herself to say anything, lest she betray the warmth blossoming in her chest like the sunrise.
“What happened?” Karen asked, before suddenly catching herself. “Oh, only if you’re OK sharing! Sorry!”
Some distant part of Nana’s brain registered that displaying any tact at all was actually quite the remarkable development for Karen, but the rest of her was completely overwhelmed by the fact that her Junna was single.
“It wasn’t a big fight or anything,” Junna said, attempting to affect a detached, unbothered tone that Nana saw straight through. “We just weren’t really all that compatible, I guess. Wanted different things.”
Possibly something to do with the casual nature of the relationship, then? Nana wasn’t sure how that made her feel, the idea that her J— Junna had wanted a more serious relationship with this Maria. Of course that was only a possibility, it could very well have been the other way around, but one didn’t exactly need to know Junna as well as Nana did to be surprised She was entertaining casual in the first place.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Nana lied. “But I’m glad that you were able to make such a difficult decision in the name of what you want,” Nana said entirely honestly. She wanted to add something about hoping Junna’s next relationship would be with someone better suited to her needs, but that would be perhaps a little too honest.
Junna paused for a moment in surprise, staring at the same corner of the screen Nana recognised Her eyes having flashed to during the last call. “Thank you, Nana,” She said softly, “I appreciate that.”
Nana almost wept. The first time She had spoken to her in eight months and twenty-six days, and Her words were laced with gratitude, not hatred.
“It sounds like you made the correct decision,” Maya agreed. “I can’t imagine it was easy.”
The others all chorused their agreement. “Thank you all,” Junna said. “It… was and it wasn’t?” She glanced up, searching for the words. “Thinking about it and coming to the decision felt so difficult but… When it came to actually making the decision and following through…” She shrugged. “I already knew it was for the best.”
Nana felt so proud of Her. Her Junna had always struggled with sticking to decisions. It had been something Nana had tried to help Her with, in her own way. Nana had believed she had failed in that task, as she had with so many others. Nana couldn’t describe the good it did her heart to see her Junna grow like this, to know that perhaps not every single one of Nana’s actions was doomed to failure.
“Her loss!” Karen declared loudly. “Anyone who wouldn’t do what’s right for our Junna wasn’t worth it anyway!”
“Yeah!” Futaba agreed. “You’ll find someone better in no time!”
Junna laughed politely. “I might take my time, but thank you, I hope so too.”
“As do we all!” Nana lied again.
Junna smiled softly as the chorus of agreement rang out again. “Anyway!” Junna interrupted, clearly tired of all the attention. “Not much to report aside from that. A little bit of stress with class selections, but nothing I can’t handle. How are…” She trailed off for a moment, Her expression somehow unreadable even to Nana. “How are things with you, Nana?”
Nana was immediately caught between freezing up and glowing like a flower in bloom. Her Junna had spoken to her? Asked her how she was doing? It had been nearly nine months since Nana had heard Her voice directed towards her, and now twice in quick succession?
“Bana-nice!” Nana declared, truthfully, for the first time in almost a year. “It’s been lovely living with Hikari, I feel we’re much closer now!” She turned to her with a fond smile. “Even if she’s terrible at cleaning up after herself.”
Hikari glanced back at her. Oh dear, that was not Hikari’s small smile playing along with the joke expression. And the joke hadn’t been that severe, Nana said similar to their classmates all the time, and Hikari usually responded with the small smile playing along with the joke expression. The fact she had not, meant she knew that something was up, and that Nana was being weird. Which, alright, yes, she always knew that. But in this particular instance, she clearly felt that Nana’s weirdness was extreme enough to be worthy of commenting on. Albeit in the strange nonverbal language that only they spoke.
“I know where everything is,” Hikari deadpanned the exact response she’d given the last time Nana had made this joke a couple of weeks ago at that pre-rehearsal icebreaker session.
“Not hard, when the answer is under a weeks-old takeaway box for everything,” Nana said back, smiling sweetly in a light, teasing tone.
Hikari’s expression narrowed, ever so slightly.
“Hikari,” Mahiru said in an admonishing voice. “We talked about this.”
Hikari flinched, needling an actual honest-to-goodness glare at Nana for throwing her under the bus.
“Oh she’s not that bad, don’t worry,” Nana smoothed over with an easy wave. “Hikari’s so lovely to have around and helps me out so much, I really don’t mind.”
“I’m glad,” Mahiru said, with perhaps a hint of distrust to her voice, Nana wasn’t quite sure, but was choosing to believe she had been mistaken.
Hikari was still glaring at her. “You’re still coming with me to the chippy after this.”
Nana sighed theatrically. “If you insist.”
The others laughed along. Even her Junna giggled softly. Nana felt like she was floating.
Nana was doing, by any possible estimation, an amazing job at enjoying the video call. The chatter had been lively, they’d all loved her banter with Hikari, and Nana had cooed at all the right moments as the rest of them finished talking about their wonderful lives.
It was still hard, still so hard to not be there for all of them, but maybe days like today could make that bearable.
Especially when she ended the call with a, “It’s been so lovely chatting to you all, thank you!”
And. Her Junna. Responded.
“Yeah, been lovely chatting to you too.”
Nana was torn. The small tears that filled her eyes made it harder to see, but she dare not blink them away, for that might interrupt the sight of her Junna’s eyes glancing towards Nana’s portrait as She said those words.
“I really needed this,” Junna said, “thanks, everyone.”
Her eyes had not moved when she spoke.
The others each departed, offering small words of sympathy, support, and love for Junna as they did so. Nana stayed in the call until the last possible moment. Kaoruko’s feed cut off, and Nana realised she was alone in the call, with Her.
“Junna!” Nana found herself saying before she realised what she was doing.
Junna glanced back up at Her screen, having clearly been looking for the end call button. “Yes, Nana?”
“Would you,” Nana forced the words out before she could stop herself, “would you like to call again, some time?”
Junna smiled, gently, like shy petals unfolding after a long, harsh winter. “Yeah. Yeah I think I’d like that. Would Wednesday evening work for you? I’ve got that afternoon free.”
“Absolutely!” Said Nana, who would’ve said so even if she’d had exams, rehearsals, and a headlining show that day.
Junna smiled again, still small, fragile, but the beauty of that smile, directed towards Nana, felt like nothing she’d imagined she could ever feel again. “I’ll see you then.”
With another soft smile, the call ended.
Nana leaned back, heart pounding in her chest, the tears that had threatened the corners of her eyes now flowing jubilantly.
“Chippy.” Hikari cut in, voice harder than Nana had heard it in some time. “Now.”
Yet not even that could dampen Nana’s mood. Nothing could.
Her Junna had smiled at her.