Chapter Text
In the heart of downtown Caili Pier, at the top floor of the tallest building, a captain of industry glowered at his board. Leon Mayze was a middle-aged white man, body distorted by wealth and arrogance into a doughy wad with limbs that gestured towards definition. He gave a disapproving stare across the room, letting each person know of his ire. He gave an exasperated sigh as he sighted his teenage son, not paying attention to the business that would soon be his. Reggie Mayze took more after his mother, a little too much if you asked Mayze. The young man had her Korean features, including her plump booty. Reggie was busy with his phone, sending out social media posts and networking with others.
Disregarding Reggie as he had done dozens of times before, Mayze berated his executives with a booming demeanor, “Alright, someone tell me how the biggest thing since the computer is happening under our noses, and it took a cathedral duking it out with a giant stripper for us to find out about it?” The assembly shifted in their seats, shame burning them all. One of the braver ones offered an excuse, “To be fair, sir, this situation is ridiculous. A group of brightly dressed sluts fighting dick monsters with their asses out is like… something a bunch of horny idiots on a Chinese basket-weaving forum would come up with.” Mayze fixed him with a stare that made the man melt into his chair, attempting to shrink out of sight. Without taking his eyes off of him, Mayze pressed a button, and the wall-sized screen began playing a video.
The video showed Thong Mega fighting the Fist of God in high definition and surround sound, drowning out any rebuttals from the doubters. Mayze pinched the bridge of his nose and continued his rant, “What’s ridiculous is that we have nothing on this. World-changing technology, and we have no idea where it came from or how to build it. Have we gotten anything from the police?” Someone's assistant handed over a folder, and Mayze leafed through it before handing it back, “Grease whoever you have to, we are getting those weapons and tools they impounded from those nuns.” He rounded on the board and gave an ultimatum, “By the end of the week, I'd better have names and faces behind those thongs. I want them brought in and on the payroll. I want them merchandised and publicized. I want them to do endorsements and sponsor deals whenever they fight evil. I WANT MY GODDAMN MONEY!”
“They're on Selmore Street and Vineland. They're in the middle of a fight; if you hurry, you might be able to catch them.” Mayze turned to his son, who was still looking at his phone. He asked with a healthy amount of skepticism, “And how do you know this? You get the newsletter?” Reggie just flipped his phone to show him. A livestream was happening as Rachel reported on the pitched battle between Thong Squad and the Dark Kingdom. A vein pulsed on Mayze's head before he calmed himself, “Guess all that time on your phone is paying off, and now WILL SOMEBODY GET THOSE WHORES’ ATTENTION!” A smattering of interns fled like startled pigeons, leaving their bosses with the raging bull.
Meanwhile, at Selmore and Vineland, Pink blocked a swipe from a bear Perv!Monster, as the rest of the team dealt with Thong Troopers. Alexander hovered above the scene as he shouted orders, “C'mon, we have to get these hypno-crystals into these consoles.” Blue blasted two Troopers that were trying to rush her and scoffed, “That's the scheme of the week? Didn't you try this already, with the TVs?” The bratty general stomped in the air and cried out, “No, no, this is different. The TVs were meant to lull people into a stupor so that we can use them as batteries. The consoles are going to subliminally train them into soldiers for the Dark Kingdom, it's totally different!” Red punched a Trooper into a wall, then backhanded another before retorting, “Naw, dude, that's still just slavery.” Yellow conjured a bat construct to whack a Trooper and added, “Not even the fun kind, like where's the sexy slave outfits?”
Alexander nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and replied, “That's for later, we have to build up our powers first before we can revel in it. That's just logical conquest.” Green floated in the air as she used her telekinesis to give herself a better vantage point and fired two arrows at him. Alexander weaved out of the way of the first one and blocked the other one with a magic shield from his palm. His smug expression was wiped off his face as Blue unleashed a torrent of ice crystals that left him on the floor and frostbitten. Alexander ignited in rage, literally, as flames erupted around him. He began charging a spell and hunted for Blue.
The next blast caught him in the back, causing the spell to discharge harmlessly. Alexander yelled in frustration as he lifted his hands to the air before slamming them down to the ground. A shockwave of dark magic spread out, knocking down displays and Squaddies alike. Red recovered first, spinning her way back up. Yellow’s jello-like construct kept her on her feet, but several Thong Troopers took advantage by wading in after her. Soon, she was fighting off two of them while covered in hard light dessert. Blue stumbled and was immediately set on by three troopers. She dodged their blows as best she could. Green was still floating and provided cover fire for her teammate. Pink sent out her own shockwave to counter Alexander's, the brief distraction enough for the bear to grab her in a bone-crushing hug.
Pink struggled in the monster's grip, even as her vision darkened. She landed a brutal headbutt to the Perv!Monster's snout, and the pain made it drop her. With a quick breath, Pink slashed its belly. The wound cut through fur and fat, but no vitals. Red was relentless as she one-two punched her way through the horde. Yellow had one Trooper in a headlock while the other one went for her hair. Red coldcocked her before she could lay a finger on those blonde tresses, earning a smile from Yellow. The buxom Thong Warrior then suplexed the Trooper she had in her grip before solidifying the jello.
Green tossed debris at Alexander, who blocked it. He failed to protect himself from her arrows, however, and soon was pierced by them. Blue followed up with a fireball, leaving him nice and toasty for about five seconds before the heat got to be too much for him and he spun himself in a mini-tornado to put himself out. Yellow blocked two shots from Troopers and pole vaulted her way to them, smacking them to the floor. Red kicked one Trooper, punched another, and tossed another into a dumpster. Pink slashed and quaked the bear, wearing it down. It roared in defiance and lunged into a series of slashes, each one missing Pink by scant inches.
Alexander began casting a spell, but Blue tackled him to the ground. Before he could recover, she sat on him. Her heavy butt knocked the wind out of him, and then her wand was in his face. “Alright, call off the goons, and I won't mess up this pretty face of yours.” Blue calmly laid it out for him. Alexander struggled for a bit, but all that did was give him a boner. Frustration of all kinds mounted in him until he screamed out, “FINE! You win this time, but next time...” Blue bonked him on the head with the wand and chuckled, “Yeah, yeah, next time we'll lose, and we'll rue the day, and we'll be begging for your nonexistent mercy. Maybe take this week off and come up with better evil speeches.” Alexander flushed pink with embarrassment at Blue's heckling, but he complied. The Perv!Monster and the Troopers disengaged from the Squad and slinked off in defeat.
Once the last of the Dark Kingdom forces were gone, Rachel and Jules emerged from their hiding place, and the reporter wasted no time in getting a sound bite: “Another victory under your metaphorical belt. Can I ask why you decided to spare the villain?” Whatever response the Squad had would have to wait as a team of out-of-breath office workers barreled past Rachel, knocking her aside. Jules helped her up with an uncharacteristic look of anger plastered to his face. He was ignored as the businessmen caught their breath, and the leader stood up and offered his hand to Red.
“Hello, we represent Mayze International, and we're here to offer Thong Patrol an enticing opportunity. We can have the paperwork drawn up shortly.” The crimson Thong Warrior gingerly took his hand and shook it, “Two things, my guy. One, we’re Thong Squad, and two, Pink is the leader.” The older gentleman took a moment to process this and switched over to the rosette with barely a missed step, “Sorry for the mix-up, but I think you'll find what we're offering to be quite lucrative.” Pink gave him a polite nod and asked, “Yeah, I get that. But what are you offering?” The man smiled as he gestured excitedly, “Why, Leon Mayze himself wants to sponsor you girls. I'm sure that all this crime-fighting is hectic and leaves you with little time for yourself. Mayze will help fund your fight against evil, and all you have to do is a few favors here and there. A quite generous deal if I do say so myself.”
Pink signaled to the rest of the Squad for a huddle and sent a telepathic message to Thong Squad HQ, “Too good to be true, right?” Blue naturally shot her a look full of cynicism. Pink couldn't find any argument against it, but waited until the others had their say. Yellow commented, “Yeah, getting some real sleazy car dealer energy from this. What do you wanna bet those favors are gonna be paid on our backs?” Green snorted, “Didn't you blow a guy for a twelve pack and some steaks?” The blonde rebutted, “Yeah, but he still respected me afterwards. These guys will pimp us out and pay us chicken change.” Red agreed, “I have cousins who are political activists; they never have anything good to say about Mayze.” Green offered her insight, “His reputation isn't much better in the business world. Rumors of sabotage and skullduggery abound, which doesn't paint the most flattering portrait.” Pink messaged Cleo, “Can you do a reading on him? See if there's any truth to the rumors?” The princess confirmed, “Yes, but I'll need to gather the materials for the ritual.”
Pink returned to the businesspeople, their leader still wearing a confident smile. Pink broke it to him gently, “We need some time to deliberately think about this. Can we get back to you later?” The man's smile didn't falter, but his eyes went a bit cold, “That's fair, this is a big decision. Is there a number we can reach you at?” The Squad all looked at Rachel, who stood with the air of someone about to enjoy extracting every ounce of her pound of flesh. The leader's smile now completely vanished as the Squad vanished in a kaleidoscope of light.
Underneath the laundromat, the girls waited for Cleo to do her reading on Leon Mayze's soul. Flufflepon and Cleo had gathered a wide canvas and some paint, kept at waist height. Cleo dipped her butt in a bucket of red and pressed it against the canvas, then began gyrating. She made looping marks on it before switching to blue and long strokes. Cleo cycled through the colors until she used them all. The final picture was an abstract thing, totally alien to the Earth girls.
“Well, it's certainly something.” Came the hesitant critique of Annette. Brittney's was more pointed, “The brushwork is innovative, but the use of color is uninspired.” Chastity brushed that aside, “What are you talking about? I'd love to have this on my wall. Let's hang it up in the arcade.” Amanda offered her own opinion, “Don't know what Greenie is talking about, the colors are bold without clashing. Each one leads into the other in a naturalistic way.” The others gave Amanda odd looks, and she responded, “I can be cultured, I just prefer working up a sweat.” Catalina got them back on track, “Artistic merit aside, how can this tell us anything about Mayze?”
Cleo illuminated the girls, “By interpreting the colors and how they interact.” The princess pointed to the green bordering the painting, “This represents his capacity for greed; it threatens to overwhelm everything else in his life.” She then gestured to the yellow weaving its way through the green and grey, “He is capable of love, but it struggles against his greed and need for control.” Next was the red that peppered the canvas, “He is a man not used to being told no, the idea of it offends him. His wounded ego could prove dangerous.”
Flufflepon got up and made her way out of the room. “You girls decide how to deal with him. I have to draw the princess's bath. But if you want my advice, I say tell him to take a hike.” The girls weighed their choices against each other. Take the offer, jump through whatever hoops Mayze held up, and get paid a pittance, or refuse and earn the wrath of a man with nearly unlimited funds? In the end, there could be only one choice.
The next day, the Mayze building shook with the rage of its namesake and the terror of the employees, “Who do those bitches think they are?!? I offer them my hand, and they spit in my face! If they think they can get away with disrespecting THE Leon Mayze, then they’ve got another thing coming. I want at least three departments on this. I want their asses on the wall.” The assembled business people shared a quiet look amongst themselves before one asked for clarification, “Literally, sir?” Mayze considered this and shrugged, “Why not? It’d be good for morale. But not until we wring every last cent we can get from them. Those little sluts are going to learn that you don't deny Leon Mayze anything.”