Chapter Text
Chapter 4.
Back home, Alicia finds it borderline impossible to get any work done and she is thankful that Cary doesn’t seem to expect much of her right now. Sara told her that Will is probably going to make it. But considering the last couple of days, she’s not in a particularly optimistic state of mind. If he does live and wake back up, what will he be like? Something life-altering happened to him. Will he experience permanent physical effects? Not to mention the psychological toll of almost getting murdered.
Feeling distraught and unable to focus on proofing, or whatever other mind-numbing assignment Cary still considers her capable of performing, she decides to give up on work for now. She’s starting to suspect Cary did it on purpose, so she’d be bored enough to refrain from working altogether. Instead, she decides that it’s about time she calls her husband back. She’s still not sure how to talk to Peter about all she’s feeling right now, she and Will having been a point of contention between them for the last few years, but since Peter called her, she can hopefully count on him to do most of the talking.
“Alicia”, he answers after just one ring. She feels a slight pang of guilt for avoiding him until now.
“Peter, hi. You called”
“Yeah, can you talk? Are you in court?”
“No, I’m on forced leave, courtesy of Cary”, she attempts to joke, but judging by Peter’s silence it falls flat. She sighs and continues, “I was at the hospital, but I’m home now”
“Because of Will?”, he asks, in a carefully even voice.
“Yes Peter, because of Will, who else would I be visiting in the hospital?”, Alicia asks, exasperated. If this is some jealousy induced way of picking a fight with her, he’s about to find out how quickly she can hang up on him.
“No”, he says, flatly “No, I mean Cary giving you some kind of… family emergency leave, that’s for Will isn’t it” It’s technically a question, but it doesn’t much sound like one. “I’m wondering, because the last time I checked, he wasn’t a part of our family”
She cannot believe him. This again.
“Peter. Someone I’ve known for over 20 years is in the hospital, in a coma, because someone tried to kill him” She can hear him try to start talking again but raises her voice to interrupt whatever he’s planning on saying next, because now he’s made her angry. “And no, his doctor doesn’t know whether he’s going to live yet, but thank you so much for your concern. Now did you want something or was this call just an attempt to brighten my already fantastic day?”, she spits, breathing hard after her tirade.
There’s a pause. Then, a deep sigh.
“Look, Alicia, I’m not saying I don’t feel for the guy, and whatever family he might have. And I hope he makes it, for your sake and for his. But if all he is – as you’ve claimed repeatedly – is some old law school buddy, I don’t see what you need time off for. I’m sorry, it might sound crass, but the rest of the world keeps spinning”
“Do you hear yourself? Are you so consumed by jealousy that you can’t even support me when one of my oldest friends might be dying?” Alicia’s voice breaks on the last word. This is exactly what she didn’t want to happen. She’s not even sure herself, of what she feels about Will, about her-and-Will, about anything, but everyone is so quick to try to decide for her, before she has a chance to untangle it. Diane and Kalinda, while admittedly being supportive, as well as feeling shocked and distraught themselves, acting as though she’s Will’s stand-in wife, Cary, thinking she can’t possibly be expected to be capable of doing her job anymore and Peter apparently thinking it’s inappropriate for her to be affected at all.
“Support you?”, he questions, quietly, “Support what exactly, you grieving another man? Your family is fine. Now, I understand that he’s your friend, but your husband is fine, your children are fine. Since when is Will Gardner back to being the most important person in your life?”
“I have never said that-“, Alicia tries to interject, but Peter’s on a roll now.
“You shut me out. You tell me you’ve left Lockhart-Gardner behind, that we should renew our vows and that you want to work on our marriage, but…” He trails off, is quiet for a few seconds, before starting again, quieter this time. “But you’ve stopped talking to me. I try to initiate a conversation and you just. You shut me down”, he says.
This whole conversation is starting to give her a migraine.
“Right. It’s all my fault and I’m the reason we’re having troubles and you don’t know where we stand in our marriage”, she exclaims.
“Oh, come on, don’t be a martyr, Alicia!”
“I’m not being a martyr Peter, I am hurt! It happened yesterday. And instead of listening to me, instead of supporting me, like you’re supposedly so keen on doing, you’re picking a fight and trying to blame me for the state of our marriage!”
It’s quiet. For a minute or two they just listen to each other breathe. Peter’s the one to eventually break the silence.
“Okay. I hear you. I’m not loving… this- this situation. But you have a point. Now is not the time”
“Okay”, she responds. “So, was there something else you wanted to discuss? Because if not, I should do some working”
“Oh, I thought you weren’t going to…”
“I’m just banned from the office Peter, but I’ve got my laptop at home, and I need to do something, or I’m going to go completely stir crazy”
“Sure”, he responds “I’ll get to it then. There’s a dinner next week I’d like you to come with me to, a…” She hears the rustling of paper on his end “Founder’s dinner”
Alicia waits for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t.
“Okay”, she says eventually ”Founders of what?”
“I’ll get back to you on that, or better yet, ask Eli. Anyway, will you be there? It’s on Thursday”
“I’ll need to check my calendar and, well. It depends on… what happens”
“With Will?”
“Yes”
Peter sighs.
“Well, let me know when you know. We’ll talk more about this”
“Sure”
They hang up. All that conversation accomplished is making her feel even more drained; emotionally, as well as physically. She and Peter have never really been good at fighting. But in their defense, they hadn’t really had to before his scandal. Sure, they’d had conflicts about household chores and the kids, occasionally, like any long-time couple, but never any big blow-ups. Even their conflicts stemming from Peter cheating hadn’t really been fights in the classic sense; they’d both been mostly in agreement that he’d been in the wrong, although he’d tried to argue for her forgiveness much sooner than she’d been willing to grant it to him. He knows that he’d hurt her badly, and since then, he’s been hesitant to demand things from her in their marriage. He hasn’t had much of a leg to stand on when it comes to deciding how to move forward and Alicia knows he’s known it for a long time. But maybe he’s growing resentful of it, of feeling powerless in his own relationship. But if that’s the case, she’d rather have him say that, instead of making veiled, jealousy-fueled accusations about her and Will, especially now.
She knows what Peter’s wanted for a long time, and she’s been trying to give it to him, to them both, but apparently it’s not enough. It’s one thing for her to forgive the hurt he’d caused, but trust is difficult to build back up once it’s been shattered. Even so, she knows they both benefit from the stability and security of their marriage, but maybe she’s been blind to the fact that those benefits have been more about influence and career advancement than any real emotional fulfilment. Maybe she’s been blind to Peter wanting more. People around her have a tendency of framing her as passive, but she had not just let Peter happen to her, she’d chosen to be with him. Whether other people had been able to understand her reasons at the time, she’d walked back into their marriage with her eyes wide open. Twice. Three times if you count the aftermath of finding out about him and Kalinda.
As for the final time, agreeing to renew their vows, leaving Lockhart-Gardner with Cary, she made her decision and she’s accepted the consequences. She’s obliterated any remaining goodwill from Will, Diane and the rest of Lockhart-Gardner, by choosing Peter and by choosing herself. In law school every one of her fellow students dreamt of being managing partner one day, of seeing their name on the letterhead of some successful firm; Alicia had been no exception. And she’d wanted to feel that she’d earned it on her own merit.
Although there’s no use pretending Peter’s name and influence hasn’t helped her sign clients and gain notoriety in Chicago’s political sphere as well as the legal world, that’s still a world away from just accepting name partnership from Will. She’s become disillusioned enough with politics at this point to realize that who you know really is what gets you in the door. And like Diane had once told her, during the mess with the fourth-year partnerships When the door you have been knocking at finally swings open, you don’t ask why. You run through. So, she had. But not in the way Will would have liked.
If it had been up to her, she’d have liked to be able to tell Will about her leaving, herself, rather than having him find out elsewhere and then confront her with it. It would’ve been ugly either way, but it might’ve softened the blow a bit, removed some of the baffled betrayal from his gaze, before it had hardened into rage. Aside from her career ambitions and notions about the kind of lawyer she wants to be, she’d also had to take into account what kind of mother and wife she wants to be. Her and Will had been getting… complicated again. And falling back into him, into them would have been cheating this time. She’d told Peter she would recommit to their marriage, and seeing Will at work every day had not been helping her do that. Although they’d agreed to be friends again, friendship between them had always been more… intimate than with any other friend she’d had. She’d needed to get away from him, to get some distance and not be distracted by fantasies that should have long since run their course.
If her goal had been to stop being distracted by thoughts of Will, that had backfired spectacularly in the most horrifying way possible. As of yesterday, it’s all she can do not to think about Will for more than five minutes.
Alicia makes a half-hearted attempt to get some more work done, but gives up after an hour of mostly staring blankly at the brief in front of her. And since she’s not working and she’s not at the hospital, she might as well try to get some rest.
Zach and Grace coming home a few hours later startles her awake. She must have fallen asleep as soon as her head hit her pillow. She tries to put on a brave face for them, tells them to order the takeout of their choice for dinner and have as normal of a dinner conversation as she can muster. But she can barely get more than a few bites of her pad thai down and she’s pretty sure both of them can tell that she’s still not completely present.
When she hears her phone buzzing on the counter Alicia springs up with such velocity, that she startles Zach sitting next to her in the process.
“Jeez, mom!”, he exclaims, dropping his spring roll on the floor.
“Sorry hon”, she murmurs distractedly, “I just need to see what this is about”
She’s trying not to get her hopes up too high about an update on Will’s condition, but it’s easier said than done to suppress her disappointment when she realizes that’s not what the text contains. It’s Sara telling her that there’s no change and to contact Aubrey if she wants to come visit Will again today, since Sara’s going home to get some rest. Alicia can’t help but let out a heavy sigh as she’s staring at her phone and debating what to respond. She appreciates Will’s sisters’ dedication to keeping her in the loop, but she still feels a bit strange about the idea of sitting by his bedside with them and having her feelings about him on display in front of his closest family. Luckily, Will doesn’t seem to have told them much about her and they’re happy enough to let her continue to visit him. Unluckily, that leaves defining who they are to each other solely in her court, which she also feels uncomfortable about. Her and Will’s relationship tends to get thrown back in her face by people that never have the full story, and yet she’s loath to correct them, lest she gives them more ammunition. It’s never been allowed to just be theirs. She can barely count all the people who’ve accused her of sleeping with Will, long before she started and long after she stopped. If she’d actually had all the sex with Will that she’s been accused of over the years, she hardly would’ve had time for anything else.
If he wakes back up it’s high time for them to have an honest conversation, just the two of them, about the two of them. This emotional limbo and constant overthinking of everything remotely related to him, to them is draining and she misses having him her life. Provided that he’d want to, she’d like him back as a friendly acquaintance at the very least, if not a friend.
“You okay mom?”, comes Zach’s careful voice eventually, startling her out of her introspection.
“Fine, why?”
Zach gives her a dubious look in response “You just. You seem sad. Is it about Will?”
It’s strange to hear him ask about Will. Although she knows they’ve met a couple of times and spoke when Will questioned him during the vote rigging ordeal, he’d never shown much curiosity about Will or her work in general.
“No news. I’m just worried, but I’ll be okay”
“I’m sorry mom”
“Thanks sweetie. It’ll be alright”, she says tonelessly.
“Are you going back to the hospital?”, asks Grace, having been uncharacteristically quiet during the dinner.
“No, not today. It’s late and… he’s got his sister there; I don’t want to intrude. I think maybe Diane’s there too”
Although the bit about Diane being there is more of a guess on her part, Alicia knows that she’d take every opportunity to go see her partner, after making sure there would still be a firm for him to come back to.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t be intruding, mom”, Grace tries to reassure her “Didn’t his sisters say you could visit whenever you liked?”
“Well, yes, but I shouldn’t take advantage of their hospitality, it’s… personal, taking care of family”
“I don’t think they would’ve offered if they didn’t want you there. No one’s that nice”
“You’re right, Zach. But I don’t think I can-“, Alicia draws a breath “I’ll visit again tomorrow, but I already went this morning, and I think once a day is more than enough for me. There aren’t that many people allowed in the ICU at the same time, so I want to be respectful of that and leave space for his family and Diane, Kalinda…”
Zach nods in understanding.
“That makes sense. But I just don’t want you to worry about us, if that’s what’s stopping you. Grace and I can take care of ourselves, and we could call dad if we need anything. You just… maybe you’d be less worried about him if you were there”
“Thank you”, she says, walking over to stroke his hair “I think all of this will make more sense in a couple of days”.
Alicia’s not sure whether she’s trying to convince her children, or herself.
After tossing and turning for hours that night, she eventually gives up on sleep completely somewhere after 3 in the morning. She’s sitting by the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee a while later, when she hears quiet footsteps padding into the kitchen.
“Mom?”, her daughter says cautiously.
“Grace, honey, what are you doing up?”, Alicia asks, looking at her wrist “Its 4 in the morning”
Grace shrugs and sits down on the chair next to her.
“I could ask you the same thing. I woke up and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I wanted to check on you, I’m worried about you”
Alicia feels herself getting a bit choked up at that.
“You and Zach are being very kind, but you don’t need to worry about me sweetie, I’m fine. And I’m your mother; I’m supposed to do the worrying”
“Yeah, well, since Zach and I are such exemplary young people, there is nothing for you to worry about, so I guess you’ll have to give away that burden”
Alicia lets out a soft snort at that.
“Uh huh”, she says skeptically.
“Oh, come on, it’s been a pretty long time since either of us did anything particularly worry-worthy”
“I guess that’s true,” Alicia agrees “but it comes with the job description, I don’t think I can just turn it off”, she continues, sipping her coffee.
Grace nods sagely.
“Do you think anything happens after we die?”, she asks suddenly
“What?” Alicia asks, gobsmacked by the non sequitur and trying not to choke on her coffee.
“Not that Will is going to-! He’s gonna be fine, right? I just. For me, I just believe really strongly that there is something there, after, even if we can’t really picture it. I guess I just wondered what it would be like to not have that. That was insensitive though, I’m sorry”
“That’s okay”, Alicia says, still processing Grace’s question and trying to buy herself some time.
She doesn’t spend much time thinking about death in the abstract. She’s always been pragmatic by nature, much like her dad when he’d been alive. His death had been one of the hardest things she’d had to live through, but she’d spent much more time thinking about the people who outlived him and how all of their lives would change, than about what would happen to him. As far as she was concerned, nothing more would ever happen to him, which is what the tragedy of death was. It had been sudden, a stroke, just a week or so after Zach was born. She had difficulties remembering the time right afterwards; it was so mixed up with being newly post-partum. She remembered having to go outside and miss some of the service during the funeral to breastfeed Zach. Having a private moment in the shade of an oak tree in the cemetery with her new baby helped her feel like she could breathe properly for the first time since it’d happened. Seeing the grief on everyone else’s faces, listening to eulogies from people who’d supposedly known her father well describing a person she didn’t recognize didn’t help her make sense of her own grief. But sitting outside with Zach and taking a moment to feel the sorrow of the realization that her children would never know their grandpa, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to call him up in the middle of the night to ask his advice if Zach got sick, or wouldn’t stop crying… that wasn’t a realization she wanted to have in front of anyone else. And for a few minutes, not having to pretend to be okay with that in front of her mother or Owen had been… a relief.
“I don’t know that I believe that anything in particular happens to people when they die. I try to focus on the living, on the people left behind”
“I know you don’t believe in heaven, but do you not believe in anything else either? No reincarnation or anything like that? Just… darkness?”
Alicia sighs.
“I don’t know, Grace. I don’t know what happens and I don’t really care to. Most theories sound like wishful thinking to me. I guess I’ve never taken any comfort in the idea of a higher power judging me for my every action. And even if I thought that all the people I care about would be found worthy, I can’t trick myself into believing something I don’t”
Grace nods slowly, takes a few moments to mull everything over.
“Doesn’t that terrify you? The idea that there’s no point, to any of it? No answers?”, Grace whispers eventually.
Alicia shrugs.
“Not really. Not when I don’t find any other option more reassuring. I mean, I think death is scary to everyone, no matter what you believe happens afterwards. But the idea of an eternal afterlife and everyone’s lives having some predetermined purpose is scarier to me than random horrible things just happening sometimes” Alicia pauses for a few seconds, trying to decide how to proceed. “That said, I don’t begrudge you your faith, and I hope it helps you make sense of things, that it can bring you… comfort”
“It does. I don’t think I have all the answers either, I don’t think anyone can. And I don’t think everything in the bible is meant to be taken literally. But I do believe that there is something, that God will take care of us when we die, that it matters whether or not we try to be good people. Does that make sense?”
“It does, sweetie”, says Alicia, and for the first time since Grace had found Christianity, Alicia feels that maybe it had been good for her and not just another desperate attempt to find somewhere to belong. Even if religion was something she’d never have in common with her daughter, Grace sounded… grounded. In a way she hadn’t the time she’d asked Alicia why she hated Jesus. Suddenly a thought struck her.
“Do you ever talk to your dad about religion? Are you… in agreement?”, Alicia asks, wincing at her awkward phrasing.
Grace gives her a soft smile in response.
“Not so much anymore. He tells me he still believes, that pastor Isiah really helped him shift perspective, but I get the feeling he’s not that interested in discussing scripture”
Alicia can barely refrain from rolling her eyes. She’s not particularly surprised to get this response, but she’s not opening that particular can of worms right now.
“Right. Well, even if I don’t share your views, you can always talk to me. You know that, right?”
“Yes, mom, I know. And you can talk to me too, if you want to”
“About religion?”, Alicia asks in surprise.
“Well, yeah, I don’t mind you asking about my faith or anything like that. But I meant about Will. I know you’re worried about him; you’re not really hiding it all that well”
Grace gives her a sideways hug, probably to soften the sting of her words, but it can’t be helped. Grace is right, she’s back to worrying about Will and she’s not able to hide it.
“Yes”, says Alicia “I am. And it’s not that I’m trying to hide it from you, I just… I want to protect you – and Zach. And my responsibilities don’t stop because of what’s happened. Right now, there isn’t much I can do… about Will. I don’t know what’s gonna happen with him and frankly, I don’t really know where he and I stand anymore. You know things haven’t been great between us since I left my old firm, right?”
Grace nods.
“I really want a chance to fix it. But for that to happen, I need him to wake back up and let me and I’m not sure that he will”, she ends in a whisper.
“I’m so sorry, mom. I really hope he’ll be okay. But don’t you think it might be easier to repair your relationship if you go visit him? Even if he’s not awake, he’s gonna find out you’ve been to see him. And he’s gonna know if you haven’t. Even if he’s still angry, don’t you think it would be easier to explain why you went to see him, than why you didn’t?”
“When did you become so wise?”, Alicia asks, planting a kiss on the side of Grace’s head.
“Well, even though I’ve had terrible role models, I muddle through somehow”, says Grace, not without some dramatic flair.
“I love you, you know that?”
“I know. I love you too, mom”