Chapter Text
Rai had been pacing around for god knows how long. He walked around his place like a madman – in the living room, kitchen, balcony, then to his bedroom – before wounding back up again where he started. Seol, who was previously invested with Rai’s motions – even trailing behind him, thinking they were playing – eventually got tired, and had decided to lay on the couch and stare into space.
Hindi pa man nag-uumpisa ang paglalakad at jogging niya, naka-1k steps na yata si Rai agad kaiikot pa lang sa loob ng unit niya.
“Chill, Rai,” bulong niya sa sarili niya habang tumitigil sa gitna ng sala. “It’s not that serious.”
Rai heard Seol huff in the background, probably already annoyed from all the pacing and muttering…and the lack of walks she should’ve been getting outside.
“Andon naman si Leo,” Rai mumbled again, “si Rox, Ricky.”
Matapos ang panandaliang pagpirmi ni Rai sa gitna ng sala, agad naman siyang lumipat sa may tapat ng pinto niya para tignan ang sarili sa salamin. Nilapit niya ang mukha niya sa salamin, umaanggulo, at tinitignan ang lahat ng pwedeng matignan – mula sa pores hanggang sa maliksi at maninipis na buhok sa ibabaw ng labi niya. Matapos ang inspeksyon sa mukha, sinunod niya naman ang kanyang katawan at postura.
Rai was all decked out in athletic wear. Inobserbahan niya ang hubog ng mga nakalabas niyang braso, medyo binabaluktot pa ang mga ito para makita ang mga masel. Pagkatapos, inangat niya ang pang-itaas niya, saka medyo napangiti nang mapansing mas maging prominente na ang abs niya. Agad niya ring ibinaba ang damit at saka naman siya umikot nang bahagya, bago dumako ang mga mata niya sa hulma ng pwet niya.
Nang tumaas ang tingin niya at nakita ang sariling mga mata sa repleksyon ng salamin, biglang napakunot ang noo.
“What the fuck am I even doing,” wika niya, saka bumalik na sa sala. Bahagyang umupo si Rai sa sofa, tinatabihan ang alaga.
Magmumuni-muni pa sana si Rai, nang biglang nag-vibrate ang cellphone niyang nakabaon sa mga malilit na unan.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Rai dito na kami sa baba
Wait ka namin dito
Do you need help with anything
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Helloo ang bilis niyo
Ok, baba na kami ni Seol
See you
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
See you!
“Let’s go, walk na tayo with friends,” anunsyo niya sa kanyang alaga, at siyang naging hudyat naman kay Seol para maging malikot. Excited na excited si Seol na umalis, at talaga namang siya na mismo ang kumuha ng collar at tali nito sa basket niya ng mga gamit.
Seol barked impatiently and Rai could only mutter a ‘yes, ma’am opo, heto na po,’ kahit na natatagalan lang naman sila dahil ang likot likot ni Seol, to the point na halos hindi niya mausot ang harness. By the time Rai and Seol had gotten outside his building, Rai probably reeked of his dog’s spit and sweat.
Wow, ang macho – ay, gwapo…ano ba, nakakalito naman, isip ni Rai nang makita si Miguel na naka-compression shirt at itim na shorts.
Mabilis na tumakbo si Seol papalapit sa lalaki, at eto namang si Rai, wala ring magawa kundi sumunod na lang sa mga gusto ng aso niya. Agad ring yumuko si Miguel para salubungin si Seol, na para bang siya talaga ang namimili ng mga suplay nito ng pagkain at laruan.
“Hi,” bati ni Rai kay Miguel. “Sorry, ha? Medyo natagalan. Kulit kasi niya.”
“Hello, cutie,” nakayukong bati ni Miguel kay Seol, hinahaplos ang ulo nito. “It’s fine,” ani ni Miguel, nakay Seol pa rin ang atensyon.
“Rai! Sa harap ka na!” ani ni Rox sa bintana. “Dito na si Seol, kasya kami! Kami na kakandong! Dali, sakay na!” saka binuksan ang pinto ng kotse ni Miguel. Seol, like she already owned the vehicle, immediately ran to Rox, Ricky, and Leo, leaving Rai and Miguel alone outside the car.
“Okay? May nalimutan ka?” tanong ni Miguel kay Rai habang tumatayo sa pagkaupo nito.
Rai shook his head. “Wala. Tara na, madaling-madali na rin si Seol. Excited maglakad,” before going inside Miguel’s car.
Rai was greeted by the cold air conditioning and a familiar voice playing from the radio.
“The Cure ulit…Just like Heaven,” Rai read quietly to himself, before looking back to check on his puppy. Seol was just chilling in between Rox and Ricky.
“Ready na?” tanong ni Miguel pagkasakay nito sa driver’s seat.
“Ready!” sigaw ng mga pasahero sa likod, kasabay ng pagtango ni Rai.
Rai looked out the window, waiting for the car to move, when he heard Miguel say something.
“Wait,” ani ni Miguel. “Um, Rai?”
Napatingin lang si Rai sa lalaki sa tabi niya. “Oh?”
“‘Yung seatbelt mo,” tuloy ni Miguel, saka tinuro ang sintron na nakalawit sa gilid ng upuan ni Rai.
Rai immediately apologized before pulling the strap down – only to be met by resistance. Rai kept pulling and pulling, but the fabric just doesn’t seem to budge from all the force he’s already exerting.
Before Rai could mumble a complaint, Miguel had already leaned over.
Hindi alam ni Rai kung saan siya titinigin – not that Miguel even gave him a chance to look anywhere besides him. Before Rai even noticed, he was already holding his breath, and had been shifting his gaze from the man’s bicep, to his jaw, down to his lips.
“Sorry,” he heard Miguel gently say as he was tugging down Rai’s uncooperative seatbelt. “May na-stuck lang,” he continued.
Rai felt his throat had gone dry. Suddenly, the AC felt a little too hot for his liking. Rai could smell Miguel’s cologne and laundry soap; even hear his small breaths. Rai didn’t really have to know that Miguel smelled like Downy with a hint of citrus.
Gosh, ang lapit ni Miguel sa kanya.
“There we go,” was all Rai heard when the dangling motions by his head stopped, interrupting his thoughts muddled with laundry soap and cologne. The strap had finally gone free. Miguel pulled the seat belt smoothly across Rai’s shoulder and clicked it into place.
Rai found himself hot in the face, unable to look at Miguel’s probing eyes. Shet na shet.
“Thanks,” Rai mumbled, fiddling his fingers.
“Para safe ka,” Miguel quietly said as he kept searching for Rai’s uncooperative ones. “Favorite pa naman kita.”
WOOH TANGINA! ANO RAW? Ah, isa sa favorite author siguro, isip ni Rai kahit napaka-out of pocket lang ng comment. Well, kung tutuusin, hindi naman siguro malayo…bilang nakita nga ni Rai na nag-IG story si Miguel ng kopya ng libro niya, na may kasama pang mga paboritong quotes at eksena mula rito. Napapansin niya rin naman si Miguel na nagtatanong rin tungkol sa proseso ng pagsusulat niya, kung kumusta ba; kung kailangan niya ba ng kasama sa mga coffee shop hopping niya kung hindi siya busy. Of course, pumapayag din si Rai minsan. Ang hirap humindi kay Miguel.
“Ehem,” biglang ubo ni Rox sa likod, tila ba nasasamid. Sinundan ang ubo ng tahol ni Seol.
“Pwede bang umusad na tayo, hindi ‘yung dumada–” ani ni Ricky, nang bigla itong naputol ng boses ni Miguel.
“Uusad na! Uusad na, eto na nga oh,” mabilis na sabat ng lalaki, sabay galaw ng gear stick nito. “Manahimik na, oo, na. Sorry. Mag-maniobra lang,” ulit niya pang dagdag.
Lumipat ang kanang kamay ni Miguel sa likuran ng upuan ni Rai at sabay lumingon sa likod. Diretso lang ang tingin ni Rai sa mga halaman at kung ano mang damo ang nakatanim sa tapat ng building niya. Pero, hindi pa rin talaga niyang maiwasan na tumingin sa seryosong mukha ni Miguel, saka sa brasong napakalapit sa mukha niya, at saka sa kabilang kamay nitong nagkokontrol ng manibela.
Alam naman ni Rai kung paano mag-one hand reverse. Magaling pa nga siyang mag-park nang patalikod at parallel eh. Pero bakit pag si Miguel ‘yung gumagawa, mas parang bagay? Mas pogi? Mas…basta!
Ok sige nga na, crush niya na nga. Happy crush lang naman eh. Hindi niya naman alam na may kahinaan rin pala siya sa mga lalaking hindi kamote sa daan. Tanginang ‘yan, bare minimum enjoyer.
Natigilan ang pag-iisip ni Rai nang marinig na naman ang dalawa nilang kasama na kantyawan si Miguel.
“Hoy! Tangina mo, tama na nga ‘yan!” ani ni Ricky, hindi na nagpatinang sa pagpapatahimik ni Rox. Leo was just snickering behind them.
“Ano na naman!” tanging sagot lang ni Miguel.
“Ah, basta! Tigil tigilan mo ‘yan habang andito kami!”
“Ewan ko sa’yo,” wika na lang ni Miguel, bago tumignin kay Rai. “Sorry, ingay ng mga kasama natin no,” ani nito, medyo namumula ang mukha. Kahit napansin ito ni Rai, hindi na lang siya nagbigay ng komento.
“Sanay na ko sa inyo,” tanging sagot ni Rai, bago nanahimik muli.
The final chords of the Just Like Heaven played as Miguel took a turn out to the main road.
“DJ Miks, pa-request naman!” biglang sabi ni Rox sa likod.
Miguel sighed, but entertained their friend’s request. “Ano?”
“Head over Heels naman jan by Tears for Fears!” sagot ni Rox. “Parang bagay na bagay kasi sa sitwasyon eh, no?”
“Hoy, manahimik ka,” ani ni Miguel, akmang nauutal at namumula ang tainga. “Rai, sorry, pero pwede pa-pili na lang sa phone ko? Passcode ko – 0406.”
Rai nodded, then fiddled with Miguel’s phone – searching up the song.
“Masyadong madali passcode mo – your birthday, really?” ani ni Rai, habang nagtitipa sa telepono.
“Birthday mo na lang, no?”
Rai felt his ears burn. “Tanga.”
Parang nung huli siya ‘yung mahilig bumanat at mang-asar ah. Saan tapang mo ngayon?
“‘Yun oh!” maingay na sabi ni Rox. “‘I want to be with you alone…’ swak talaga, tama Ricks, tama. Apir,” ani ni Rox, sabay kanta rin ng lyrics ng kanta.
Nakarinig lang si Rai ng palakpak sa likod, marahil dahil nga nag-apir nga ang dalawa.
“May something ba?” mahinang tanong ni Rai kay Miguel, habang patuloy lang si Rox at Ricky na mag-jam sa likod. Leo was just nodding with them; Seol was already closing her eyes, probably reserving her energy for later’s walk.
“Wala, wala ‘yun,” tanging sagot lang ni Miguel.
Tumango lang si Rai. He knew something was probably up, but chose not to ask further.
The music played its course, alongside their friends' loud voices. Throughout everything though, Rai only remembered how nice Miguel’s humming voice sounded beside him.
ᛝ
“You know, I never asked you why you kept DJ-ing,” tanong ni Rai habang naglalakad sila ni Miguel sa oval. Nasa likuran lang nila si Rox at Ricky, hibang na hibang kay Seol na patigil-tigil sa bawat hibla ng damong nakikita nito. Leo was resting on a bench, his phone, yet again on his hand.
“Tinanong mo na,” sagot lang ni Miguel sa kanya.
Umiling si Rai, “Hindi. Ang tanong ko nun is about ‘yung hirap ng trabaho…but I just realized I never really asked why you kept doing it.”
“Nasagot ko na ‘yan eh,” ani ni Miguel, sabay siko sa gilid ni Rai. “Kasi nga gusto kong nakikinig sa mga tao.”
Rai made a face. “Seriously? ‘Yun talaga?”
“Peksman.”
“Eh bakit ganun?” Rai kept probing. “Mahirap siya, sabi mo kasi hindi naman pare-pareho ‘di ba…kahit similar ‘yung sinasabi nila. So, kung ganon, bakit? Bakit hindi ka nagsasawa?”
Miguel crinkled his nose. “Bakit ba curious ka?”
Rai shrugged his shoulders. “Gusto ko lang malaman. Ang dami mong tanong tungkol sa ginagawa ko, so dapat ako rin maraming alam tungkol sa’yo.”
Napatingin lang si Miguel sa kanya, akmang nangingiti. It’s that stupid smile again. Rai doesn’t exactly know how many smiles and other facial expressions Miguel can muster – but Rai is pretty sure this one is something he’s only seen a couple of times. It felt a little unnerving that Rai felt like this smile only appeared when it’s just them talking. It’s fucking up Rai in the head.
“Mahal ang magmahal…so dapat may panukli. Thankfully, marami akong panukli,” Miguel said, now looking at his rubber shoes.
“Excuse me?” Rai asked, glancing at Miguel; still, Miguel kept looking anywhere but him.
“‘Di ba, pag nagmamahal ka, parang ang dami mong binibigay…like investments. Emotional, physical, and mental investments. You practically give the majority of yourself to love; to a person; maybe to a cause. Buong-buo kadalasan magbigay, hindi ‘yung tingi-tingi. Ang mahal nun, no?” ani ni Miguel, diretso lang ang tingin sa tinatahak nilang daan ni Rai.
Rai hummed, urging Miguel to go on. Rai agreed – mahal nga ang mag-mahal; literally and figuratively. Medyo lost si Rai, kasi pakiramdam niya, hindi siya ganun. Medyo may kalayuan siya sa mga taong nilalarawan ni Miguel; perhaps, a part of him is like that; but that’s only a fraction of his being.
“Ganon rin ‘yung mga nakikinig sa radyo. Tapos, pag nagmahal sila, nasasaktan sila… kaya minsan lugi, walang tubo,” patuloy ni Miguel. “Ubos halos.”
Tahimik lang si Rai na nakikinig.
“Eh ako, tingin ko, dapat, patas ang pagmamahal.”
Tumango lang si Rai habang naglalakad, kahit hindi niya masyadong gets ‘yung punto. Love isn’t fair. Has it ever been fair?
“Love isn’t always fair, though. Love sometimes, is a cheat…a scam,” komento ni Rai, tumitingin kay Miguel.
“I know,” Miguel just replied, as he spared Rai a glance. “Kaya dapat may panukli pa rin dapat, o, kung hindi naman, may nanunukli pa rin.”
“And that’s supposed to be you? Ikaw ‘yung manunukli?”
“Not always! But I like to think that sometimes, I get to be like that,” Miguel answered. “Para kahit papaano, pakiramdam ng mga nagmamahal nang buo, hindi sayang ‘yung pamumuhunan nila,” sabi ni Miguel.
Rai just nodded, trying to make sense of Miguel’s metaphors.
“Kaya hindi rin siya nakakasawa para sa’kin. Pakiramdam ko kasi minsan ang gusto lang naman nila mapakinggan sila eh. Minsan, alam naman na nilang pangit ‘yung sitwasyon nila. Tingin ko hindi naman sila naghahanap lagi ng solusyon sa mga problema nila eh. Minsan gusto lang nila ng karamay. Minsan, gusto lang nila na may nakikinig,” sagot ni Miguel.
“‘Yun ‘yung panunukli ko. Ako na lang muna manunukli. Gets ba? Para kahit papaano, pakiramdam pa rin nila, wala namang nasayang dun sa ininvest nila. Kahit papaano, patas pa rin…loving is listening…something like that,” patuloy ni Miguel.
Rai kept quiet through it all.
“Of course it doesn’t exactly make sense, right?” ani ni Miguel nang mapansing walang imik si Rai.
“Honestly?” ani ni Rai. “To me it doesn’t. Sorry, Migs. Hindi naman lahat ng tao ganun mag-isip.”
Miguel just laughed. “Kaya nga I always stick to my default answer: I like listening to people. Because loving is listening.”
Rai just smiled at him. “That’s nice of you. To think that way.”
Miguel smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. There was pink climbing from Miguel’s neck up to his cheeks – Rai thought it might’ve been from the jog from earlier; but it should’ve subsided since they were walking so slow already. Rai surmised it must have been because of the embarrassment; of how he easily talked about loving his job – and giving back love – like it’s just an everyday afterthought.
Rai wondered, if he kept saying nice things – things that Rai had been quietly mulling over his mind the past couple days and weeks – if the pinks on Miguel’s skin would turn deeper; like red santans.
“You seem like you have a lot of love to give, Miguel,” Rai ultimately said, smiling at Miguel.
Miguel – again – with the god damn smile. “Do I?”
Indeed, Miguel looked almost as red as those scattered santans from their walk. Rai found this red a bit prettier though.
ᛝ
Umikot-ikot sa Rai sa kama niya. Now alone in his room, listening to Miguel’s radio show, now Seol-less, all sorts of thoughts kept coming in. In his 30 years of living, he’s practically sure he’s only ever felt like this when he was 14.
“It’s just a crush, Rai, ano ba. It’s just a happy crush,” ani niya habang nakasubsob ang mukha sa mga unan niya.
Umaalingawngaw ang boses ni Miguel sa loob ng kwarto niya.
Gustong-gusto niyang i-deny lahat.
Pero naroroon na kasi ang senyas at sintomas, na medyo may katagalan na rin, pero hindi niya masyadong matanggap. Laging naghihintay ng DM – at naka-on pa ang notifs, check. Tambay minsan (lagi!) sa radyo, check. Masyadong binabasa at binibigyan ng meaning ang mga post sa X, check. Mabilis ang tibok ng puso kapag naalala kung gaano sila ka-close nung tumakbo-takbo sila sa park? Umuuwing pa ring magaan ang loob kahit halos mamamatay na siya sa bigat ng dineadlift niya, basta andon si Miguel (at Rox) na taga-spot? Check talaga.
“I can’t possibly be having a crush right now,” ani ni Rai habang nakayakap sa unan nitong nalamog na. “Hindi pwede!” he screamed at his pillow.
“No, it’s fine. Marami naman sigurong may crush sa kanya,” bulong niya kahit nakasubsob pa rin ang mukha nito sa unan. “It’s just because he’s nice. Mabait lang naman si Miguel. He’s nice to everyone.”
The ‘Hearts on Air’ subscription was the newest addition to the symptoms.
It was supposed to be just a one time thing – ayaw rin namang maalala ni Rai ang sariling kalokohan. But then once became twice; then thrice, until he no longer kept counting.
Boses ni Miguel ang background niya sa tuwing nagsusulat siya ng mga naghahabulan sa eskinita; boses ng babaeng tagapakinig ang pinapakinggan niya tuwing nagluluto siya minsan ng makakain; hindi pamilyar na kanta ang background music niya pag may sinusulat siya sa papel na bagong ideya. He listened to complaints about husbands being snorers before he went to bed – to girlfriends asking advice about how to confront their boyfriends with their smoking addiction.
Sobrang random ng mga topic minsan, sa puntong nagsesend na lang din siya minsan ng mensahe kay Miguel. Laging ‘ok lang’ or ‘masaya naman!’ or ‘nice of you to listen, Rai’ ang sagot nito sa kanya. Miguel always sends a ‘good night’ for him though, whenever the show ends…’yun yung favorite ni Rai.
Of course, it’s not like Miguel knew that he listened to his show like clockwork. How could Rai let him know?
“Everyone, thank you for being here again with me tonight on ‘Hearts on Air’! Thank you, Joaquin, for being here with us tonight! I’m sure we also have listeners that’s going through the same thing. Ang hirap ng transition from being casual to serious, hindi ba? I guess this begs the question for almost all types of connections – is really ever just casual? Lahat kami dito sa ‘Hearts on Air’ rooting for you, Joaquin!” dinig ni Rai sa radyo.
“Before we end the show, I just wanted to ask, any plans for the weekend, guys? Send it in our comments! Jam from Mandaluyong says she has plans to go on a weekend trip with her boyfriend in Albay – sana all! Mikael from QC says he’s going to propose to his long-time boyfriend! Wow! Congratulations! Hopefully, hindi nakikinig ang future mister mo, Mikael! Ikaw naman, DJ Miks?”
Rai’s head instantly shot up – no qualms of denial and inhibition left. Fine, okay, interasado na siya sa kay Miguel. Interasado na rin siya sa mga gagawin ni Miguel.
The DJ paused, humming, for while, before going off about something Rai didn’t expect.
“Oh, me? Ah, yes! I’m planning to finish a book I’m reading! It’s called, ‘Kurap’ by R.I. Jeon! It’s a really nice book! So far, I’m about halfway done. Genre? Thriller!”
Rai knew Miguel read his books; even the trashy drafts he’s stashed in his laptop or just scribbles from the torn pages of his notebook. Miguel read it all. As much as Rai hated having his work put under scrutiny, Miguel has an uncanny way of making him feel relaxed whenever he lets him read his stuff.
If he’s being honest, Rai even liked listening to Miguel’s input, too. It’s not all praises; not all ‘ang galing mo!’ but sometimes, he gives constructive suggestions that end up being approved by his editor, too.
“Basahin niyo, guys! It’s by a Filipino author who happens to be a really good friend of mine, too! He’s very talented and smart! I love the world building in this book – and I can’t really put it down! So I’ll be dedicating my time to finish this tomorrow – unless may other plans…hopefully. But that’s it for me – hey, Sam from Santa Ana, Manila is also reading the same book! Ang dami nating fans ni R.I. Jeon!”
Rai couldn’t help but feel his face grow hot again. He loved getting shout outs as much as the next person. He just didn’t expect there would be so much praise and appreciation.
“Ugh,” he groaned as he pushed his face (again) to his pillows. “Parang tanga.”
To himself or to Miguel – he doesn’t really know.
“That’s a wrap everybody! I can’t believe the week passed by like that again. As requested, here’s The Lovin’ Spoonful with ‘Do You Believe in Magic?’ to end our night! Thank you for tuning in on ‘Hearts on Air’, here on 26.5 Diamond FM Radio Station – this has been DJ Miks, saying good night, and wishing everyone a happy and magical weekend!”
“Night,” Rai mumbled on his pillow, as Miguel’s voice was replaced by upbeat guitar strings.
Rai grabbed his notebook by his side-table – the one where he kept dumping his ideas – and began scribbling. His hand gripped his pencil tight – his thumb nail almost making crescents against his middle finger. For someone frequently described by onlookers as quiet and reserved, his penmanship spoke otherwise. The way he held his pen just seemed like he wanted to become one with the paper.
“I hate you…” Rai mumbled as he wrote. “For making me…” he kpet going. Kumabaga, para siyang si Regina George sa diin maguskat – frustrated na frustrated sa sarili niya.
Just as he was about to write another line of his quote-on-quote frustrations, his phone began vibrating. Rai would have ignored it – busy siyang maglabas ng mga nararamdaman niyang hindi niya maintindihahn – but upon seeing the notif? Bye. Good bye, papel.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Hello, Rai!!
Are you free tomorrow?
As much as Rai wanted to stop himself from smiling, he just couldn’t.
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Hi, Migs.
Yes. Why?
He typed with anticipation. Hindi nga pansin ni Rai na nakakagat na siya sa labi niya eh.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Just wanted to ask if you want to come try bouldering?
I mean, naalala ko you mentioned once you wanted to try it?
Of course, if you’re not busy and still up for it
“Sus,” ani lang ni Rai, saka ito sumagot. Hindi niya na nga maalala kung kailan niya nasabi eh; baka napa-agree na rin siguro siya nang mabanggit ito ni Miguel. Pero, kung sinabi ni Miguel na meron, baka meron nga talaga.
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Oh pwede naman!
Do I need to bring or prepare anything?
Napaisip si Rai – masyado ba siyang mabilis mag-reply? Tama ba na wala pang isang minuto, eh nagrereply na siya kaagad? Naisip niya lang naman ‘yun nang mapansin na umabot ng limang minuto ang reply ni Miguel.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Wala naman. Just bring yourself.
Or maybe a bottle of water and some comfy clothes.
Rai forewent the idea – wala sa bilis ng reply ‘yan. And so – ano naman – sino ba siya para replyan nang mabilisan?
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Okay!
Can you send me the loc, I’ll drive na lang. I have to do grocery afterwards.
Mabilis lang na nag-tipa si Rai, para matapos na ang kahibangan niya. Tangina, ano ba ‘tong mga crush crush na ‘to. Bumalik si Rai sa pagsusulat – iniisip na baka nga mas matagalan pang magreply si Miguel. Katatapos lang din naman ng trabaho ng lalaki – baka nga pauwi pa lang.
Pero wait – ibig sabihin ba nun siya ‘yung unang minessage ni Miguel pagkatapos ng trabaho? Siya ba ‘yung ‘other plans…hpefully’ ni Miguel, bukod sa pagbabasa ng libro?
“Erase, erase,” ani ni Rai nang kung ano-ano na ang naiisip nito.
Hindi rin naman siya pinaghintay nang matagal ni Miguel sa reply nito.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Oh, iniisip ko daanan na lang ulit kita? I can drive for you naman.
I mean, of course, if that’s okay with you
But ok I’ll send na lang ahaha
“Tanginang ‘yan,” ani ni Rai, hindi sinasadyang mapamura. “Mahina, mag-o-offer, pero bawi? Joke.”
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
It’s fine! Haha, pwede naman. Baka abala lang sa’yo.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
No, promise! It’s okay!
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Sabi mo ‘yan ah
Baka mamaya binabackstab mo na ko
Napailing lang si Rai sa sariling mga mensahe. Shuta, sige, ilang asar pa, baka mahalata ka na. Galing. Napakagaling. Tsaka, most probably, hindi lang naman silang dalawa. Sobrang dalang ng sila lang.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Okay lang, promisee!
I’ll see you tomorrow :D
Mga 10, does that work for you?
Hindi alam ni Rai kung bakit siya napabuntong hininga.
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Ok! Sila Rox ba, kitain na ron or kasama na sila sa sasakyan?
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Ah
About that
I was just thinking that it’s just us
Like tayo lang
Haha
Napaupo si Rai sa sariling kama, binabalik-balikan ang DM ni Miguel. Binasa niya ang bawat letra at pantig, hanggang sa napagod ang sarili niyang bibig; hanggang sa unti-unti na namang nag-iinit ang pisngi niya.
“Bwisit,” mahinang ani ni Rai, naiinis sa sarili dahil sa bilis ng reaksyon ng mukha niya. Kasabay ng pagbabasa niya, may lubog-litaw ring mga tuldok katabi ng picture ni Miguel.
“Kung tuloy-tuloy ‘yan, lalagyan ko na talaga ng malisya,” ani niya, saka nag-tipa na rin nang mabilisan.
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Ahhh okay! Okay, no problem! Just us two. Okay.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Okie!! Nice.
All right then. See you, Rai.
Oh, btw, did you listen to the show tonight?
Rai groaned in frustration.
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
Ahh, hindi eh. Was writing something.
Sayang.
“Ngayong lang naman yata ako magsisinungaling,” he mumbled.
Miks Kim (@migskim406)
Oh, okay. It’s fine!
All right, baka naabala pa kitaa.
Good night, Rai! See you tomorrow :D
Rai Jeon (@raisaiahjeon)
See you tomorrow.
Drive safe, Migs.
:D
Rai doesn’t see the dots on Miguel’s chat bubble as he buried his phone under his pillow. He gets his pencil – then proceeded to write the thought’s he’s too scared to say.
Musings ni Rai (BAWAL BASAHIN)
Miguel, are your hellos intentional or is it just because we’re friends?
Isa pang ganyan mo, lalagyan ko ng malisya lahat.
Lahh crush na yata kitaaa wahhhh putang ina.
Miguel, sabi mo busy ka bukas, kasama ba ko sa busy? Kasama ba ko sa plano talaga? Ako ba yung plano…press 1 kung yes
BWISIT
“Bakit ba ganito pinagsusulat ko,” ani niya nang basahin ang mga sinulat. He closed the small notebook, kept it inside his side table. At least, some of his thoughts got dumped on text.
“Miguel,” he mumbled. “Bwisit na Miguel.”
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“Okay – nice, Rai! On your left, try reaching with your left foot – use your toes. Konti na lang!” dinig ni Rai sa baba.
Rai’s entire body felt like it was on fire. His shoulder’s felt tense and shaky; his arms were burning; his palms were starting to feel slippery, the chalk on his hands doing nothing with his grip. Despite the frequent pilates and yoga sessions, he’s not this strong! He can’t even move his legs – ang hirap i-anggulo ng buong katawan niya.
Still, Rai tried to move, just as Miguel said – slowly moving his left foot from one red hold to another – engaging his core and tightening his grip on his hands. Shet na shet.
“Nice!” dinig ni Rai nang malipat ang paa, saka mabilis na inihawak ang dalawang mga kamay sa huling red hold.
Sent, thank fuck, his mind supplied. Slowly, he moved down, stepping down from the wall, heaving and sweating like a rat. When the distance was a lot safer, Rai jumped down, landing on his feet before rolling on his back. Slowly, he stood up, willing his legs and arms to carry him up and let him walk back to where Miguel was.
“Galing, good job,” ani ni Miguel habang naglalakad si Rai papunta sa kanya. Miguel was seated comfortably on one of the climbing gym’s benches, holding Rai’s water bottle in anticipation.
Miguel looked like a puppy waiting for head pats. This was the rewarding part about sending a climb – a cute boy waiting down; the other rewarding part was the sense of accomplishment and testament of strength.
Rai still found the sight endearing, as if he didn’t feel like his lungs were coming out of his mouth from how hard he was breathing. Miguel wasn’t in a much better look than him – the DJ’s brown hair was just as disheveled as his; his white top a little crinkled and his black jogging pants were marred with white chalk.
Akmang nagpagpag si Rai t-shirt niyang puti at sa itim niyang shorts (wow, matchy pala sila), saka kinuha ang bote sa kamay ni Miguel. A little lower, then Rai would have touched Miguel’s fingers.
“Hirap,” complain niya kay Miguel matapos halos ubusin ang laman ng tubigan niya, keeping his thoughts to himself. “Baka dito ka talaga nakatira ah,” biro ni Rai saka umupo sa tabi ni Miguel.
“Huy, hindi naman,” tanging sagot ni Miguel sa kanya, bago tumayo. “Akyat pa ko once, then grocery na?”
Rai shook his head – halata namang nag-eenjoy si Miguel. “Ayos lang, ‘di naman ako nagmamadali. Akaya ka pa.”
“Sure?” ulit na tanong ni Miguel.
“Oo nga. Akyat pa rin ako mamaya, pahinga muna ako,” ulit ding sagot ni Rai.
“Okay, basta, sabihan mo ko, ha?”
“Mhm,” Rai mumbled before waving his hand. “Go na.”
Rai just sat by the bench, bottled water still on hand. He watched Miguel climb the wall, perusing a problem with purple holds with a red tag. Ang sabi ng lalaki, pangalawang beses niya pa lang ring masusubukan ang aktibidad. Pero pucha, ba’t ang galing-galing niya? Miguel’s arms were in all the right angles; his legs were stretched just right. His back looked so broad; and Rai couldn’t help but look away sometimes whenever he saw the man’s traps and triceps flex whenever he’d lift himself up.
Before he even knew it Miguel had already sent the climb.
“Good?” tanong ni Rai nang makabalik si Miguel sa tabi niya.
“Akala ko mahuhulog ako roon,” ani ni Migs saka itinuro kung saang parte siya nahirapan. Napaisip lang si Rai kung nagiging pa-humble lang ba ‘tong si Miguel dahil kanina naman eh mukhang wala namang bahid ng hirap nung pinapaanod niya ang lalaki. Still, Rai nodded – mukha ngang maliit masyado ‘yung hold.
“You should try going for red tags, too,” ani ni Miguel habang nagpupunas ng pawis.
“‘Di ko kaya, kita mong halos mamatay na ko sa yellow,” sagot ni Rai. “But I like this. It’s fun. Surprisingly.”
Miguel nudged his side, laughing. “Kaya mo! Galing mo nga eh.”
“Shuta, Migs. Mukha kong butiki,” natatawang sabi ni Rai.
“Cute na butiki,” awtomatikong sagot lang ni Miguel.
Jusko po, talagang babanat pa. Platonic pa ba ‘to? ‘Yung totoo, Miguel, umamin ka – crush mo ba ako? Porke dalawa lang tayo gumaganyan ka na. Wait, so ibig sabihin ba ‘yung pa-something niya dati…erase, erase!
“Bwisit,” kunwaring sabi lang ni Rai. “Ah basta, next time na lang. Hanggang yellow lang muna ako.”
“May next time?” tanong ni Miguel sa gilid niya.
Napalingon si Rai kay Miguel para lang sana sagutin nang masinsinsan ang tanong ng binata. Kaso nang napatingin si Rai, mata na agad ni Miguel ang nakikita niya. Miguel was already smiling. Rai wondered if Miguel ever got tired from smiling at him like that.
“Boulder?” balik na tanong ni Rai – kahit ang gusto niya sanang tanungin ay, “Tayong dalawa lang ulit?”
“Oo?” akmang sagot rin ni Miguel – may halong antisipasyon ang titig kay Rai.
Napalunok lang si Rai. “Oo naman, syempre may next time,” tanging sagot niya…at least hindi namasyadong ang-iinit ang mukha ni Rai.
Paano pa ba siya makakahindi; eh sarili niya ngang utak parang hindi na kayang tumutol basta’t si Miguel na ang usapan.
“Yehey,” sagot ni Miguel saka pinapalakpak ang mga kamay.
Rai just shrugged his shoulders, acting as if he just didn’t feel another weird thump in his chest; as if he just didn’t – for a second – think of doing something friends don’t do with another friend’s hand.
Rai reveled on their knees touching instead.
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The supermarket jingle played like a distant hum between Rai and Miguel as they navigated through the grocery aisles quietly. While Rai stayed mostly in front, Miguel remained at the back, pushing the cart as he followed Rai along.
“Sorry, konting items na lang ‘to — pwede pakuha ng juice sa baba? 4 bottles — then 4 ulit nung soft drinks sa gilid. Paper cups and paper plates na lang after nito – “
“Para sa birthday ba ‘to ni Aiden?” tanong ni Miguel, saka dinampot ang malalaking bote.
“You’re going?” tanong pabalik ni Rai, tinutulungan ang lalaking kunin ang dalawang bote ng soft drink.
“Yup,” ani ni Miguel, saka kinukuha ang mga bote sa kamay ni Rai, saka ito binababa sa cart nila. “Kami sa radio station, nasabihan niya na. Sa Batangas ‘di ba?”
Tumango lang si Rai sa tanong ni Miguel. Napaisip si Rai habang pinapanood ang lalaking nilalagay ang natitirang bote sa cart. “Hindi masyadong maraming staff sa radio kung kayo lahat? Wala bang maiiwan?”
Miguel sighed as he finally finished loading the drinks on the cart before answering Rai. “Si Leo, susunod daw – but everything – already handled. Lakas ni Aiden eh – okay, what’s next? Paper cups and plates. Ano tara?”
Rai just let out an ‘oh’ before moving his feet. Miguel was in front of him now – still pushing the cart along the aisle of refreshments.
It felt oddly intimate for Rai…going grocery shopping with Miguel. It was one thing to enjoy a new hobby together – but grocery shopping? Rai remembered one of the scrapped romance slash coming of age story he drafted when he was 18, young and still a romantic, which had a similar scene like this.
The protagonist was doing the most mundane things with a stranger – doing the dishes; taking out the trash; having arguments over bad TV; and this – pushing carts and making small talk over the long aisle of backdrop of a grey and weary supermarket.
There’s a weird thrill in Rai’s skin when he watched Miguel’s elbows spilling on the relatively short handle of the cart. He felt a little elated whenever Miguel would look back over at him, asking him if he needed pencils as they passed through rows of cheap stationery; or when he says ‘paborito namin ‘to ng kapatid ko dati’ when they passed over colorful rows of candies and snacks. Rai couldn’t help but have a little more leap in his steps as they walked along the long rows of aisles.
This was different from his old story. In this version, everything just seemed brighter, even if they got a little lost going to the party needs section.
“Ito na,” ani ni Miguel. “Paper cups and plates,” he said, holding up the packs of disposables, before gently dumping the packs on the cart.
They quickly went through the cashier, with Rai having to quickly whip out his credit card before Miguel could even get his cash out to pay.
Soon enough, they’re already on the way home, a shy 10 minute away from Rai’s place.
It was oddly quiet inside the man’s car. Wala ang karaniwang tugstugan ni Miguel, kaya wala ring ibang distraction si Rai. He wouldn’t say that the silence is suffocating; it’s just a little too much for Rai, being confined in a small space with his…friend? Crush? Basta.
It’s making Rai a little doozy woozy. Napapaisip lang si Rai kung ganito rin ba si Miguel sa iba. Ganito rin ba siya ka-attentive sa iba, kahit sa mga katrabaho niya? Ganito rin ba siya ka-alaga? Normal ba para sa kanyang mag-maneho para sa iba o manundo ng kung sino?
Rai partly knew the answers – yes – he’s just like that. Ganun siya sa mga tropa niya eh.
But this. Was he like this with his girlfriends? Or boyfriends? Wait, which team does Miguel bat for anyways? Rai realized that even after a year of knowing each other, he’s never even asked…not that it mattered. Crush niya na eh…saka, ano naman. Not like he was going to act on it.
May jowa ka ba, ha, Miguel?
“Wala,” ani ni Miguel bigla, pinuputol ang kalutungan ni Rai, tila hinihila ang binata sa ibabang lupa.
“Ha?”
“Tinatanong mo ko kung may jowa ako,” ani ni Miguel, nakatingin lang sa daan. “‘Yan ‘yung sagot, wala.”
Saka lang napagtanto ni Rai na nasabi niya pala ‘yun nang malakas. Hindi niya naman sinasadya…talagang napakawalan niya lang for some reason.
“Ah…” Rai awkwardly mumbled. “Ganun ba.”
“Girlfriend, wala, not interested,” ani ni Miguel.
Ah. Ahahahaha.
“Nor boyfriend…”dagdag niya. “Wala pa.”
Ah? Ahahaha?
Rai awkwardly faked a laugh – looking away from Miguel’s side-profile. Parang biglang nahiya si Rai sa nalaman.
The remaining minutes of the drive were quiet. Miguel just hummed little sections of some songs Rai’s not familiar with, and Rai kept his gaze on the window, watching the familiar buildings, cards, people – everything – pass by as they arrived at his place.
Miguel loaded off most of the groceries (not that he had much to carry), not giving Rai a chance to even get a paperbag. Nahawakan na lang ni Rai ang mgagrocery nang binababa ni Miguel ang paper bag sa baon niyang trolley.
“Thanks,” Rai mumbled, idly standing as he watched Miguel dropped the paper bags slowly from his trunk.
“No problem,” Miguel answered happily.
Hindi maiwasang maisip ni Rai na ana ganito mapangasawa niya pag nasa point na siya ng buhay na gusto niya nang mag-asawa. Like, ok, aside from having a super amazing looks and body aside (kasalanan ‘to ng puting dri-fit, sleeveless shirt,ok!)Miguel is really, really nice.
‘Nice’ isn’t really the right word to encapsulate Miguel’s entire being. Rai just used it because aside from having a hard time browsing through his built-in, mental dictionary of adjectives to describe Miguel, he’s actually a little afraid of what future and uncertainties he might fall into once he truly sees, addresses, and acknowledges what and how Miguel really is to him.
That’s a can of worms Rai was willing to leave under a cupboard. He was willing to let it rot and decay, until the metal rusts.
“And, tapos na,” ani ni Miguel nang matapos ito sa ginagawa, inaalterto si Rai na tumigil na sa kakaisip ng kung ano-ano.
Rai’s little notebook is going to have a field day. So many scribbles tonight, Rai feared.
“Thanks ulit, akyat na ko, ha? Thank you, Migs,” Rai said, gently pulling the trolley.
“Again, no problem,” sagot ni Miguel, ngayo’y nakatayo lang, nakabulsa ang mga kamay. “Bye, Rai,” dagdag niya.
“Bye, thanks again. For today,” Rai immediately replied, mirroring Miguel’s closed-lip smile. Rai would have loved to keep idling and chatting, but he knew better than to ask…and, it’s not like Miguel had much free time anyways. Rai suddenly wondered if he’d finished his book already.
Maglalakad na sana si Rai palayo nang biglang nagsalita si Miguel.
“I look forward doing this again,” ani ni Miguel, medyo mahina ang boses. “With you. I think –”
“We should schedule again, no?” tuloy ni Rai, medyo na-excite rin at hindi na pinatapos si Miguel. He really has to restrain himself. “Maybe magsama rin tayo ng iba, noh, that would be fun,” patuloy niya.
Maybe it was because of the weird lighting out of his building; or maybe it was because of exhaustion, heat, and the heavy and sticky feeling of sweat lingering on his skin playing tricks on him, but Rai thought he saw a strange flash of something in Miguel’s eyes. It’s so quick, Rai thought he might’ve imagined it.
“Of course, kung anong gusto mo…at kung kailan ka libre,” sagot ni Miguel.
Rai nodded, ignoring the queasy feeling in his tummy…baka natatae lang siya at may mga naiimagine siyang kung ano-ano. “Sabihin mo sa’kin kung kailan ka free. Just text me, ‘wag na DMs. May number mo ko, ‘di ba?”
Miguel looked surprised when Rai said that.
“I don’t have your number,” sagot niya lang pabalik.
“Yes you do,” pilit naman ni Rai.
Thankfully, walang masyadong drop-offs ngayon sa building niya – Miguel’s car had been there for what felt like an eternity already; his car’s blinkers almost blurring into solid, bright lights.
“Wala nga,” ani ni Miguel, napapangiti. “We never exchanged numbers.”
“I sent it sa email.”
“What email? My email?”
“No, the radio email. I don’t now your email.”
“Oh,” Miguel slowly replied. “I didn’t save it on my phone.”
“Dapat sinave mo na,” sagot lang ni Rai.
“Eh sinend mo ‘yun sa radio email, of course I wouldn’t save it just because – malay ko ba — baka ayaw mo ng ganun, saka ang weird pag hindi magpapaalam,” Miguel defensively replied, a small pout already forming on his lips.
There it was again – the thump in Rai’s chest; slow and steady, gradually picking up its pace.
“Do you want it?” Rai experimentally asked, testing himself – how far his little courage can go; if the thumping can get any worse. “I mean, my number.”
When Miguel didn’t seem like an eternity in a matter of seconds, Rai wanted to take his words back. To make matters even worse, Miguel got inside his car not even saying anything. But, Miguel came out just as fast he got inside his car, a little wobbly on his feet, his phone on hand.
“I do. Pahingi akong number mo,” Miguel said as quickly took a few steps to Rai, before quietly handing over his phone. “Please.”
Rai felt like the thumping migrated to his ears bilaterally — thumps sounding more like church bells ringing. Baliw!
“Okay,” Rai quietly mumbled as hentyped away his number, double checking everything. “‘Yan. Diyan ka na mag-message.”
Miguel held his phone with both of his hands right after Rai gave it back to him, looking at the screen with some sort of exhiliration.
“Okay,” Miguel murmured, smiling at him.
Rai waved him off, urging him to go — so he won’t get stuck in traffic or won’t be home too late. In reality though, it’s just so he could hide his raging blush faster against Miguel’s eyes. Thankfully, Miguel did follow his request, waving at him inside his car, before driving away.
It wasn’t even a minute when he arrived in his living room when he felt successive vibrations on his butt.
+63 904 061 1123
Hi, Rai. It’s Migs.
Thanks again for today.
Hehe. Sana tama number na ‘to.
Rai
You’re driving, right?
Yes, tama, this is my number.
+63 904 061 1123
Naka-hazard ako.
Oki, just checking.
Good night, then.
Rai
Oki, drive safe.
Thank you for today.
+63 904 061 1123
Oki.
Um, ok lang ba if it sometimes it’s just us two sometimes?
Like
Haha nevermind
Rai felt an unconscious tug on his lip – the thoughts he’s been forcing to hide under the deep recesses of his consciousness slowly simmering through reality. Miguel deleted the last three messages he’s sent – but Rai read it. Rai read it all...even the double repetition of 'sometimes' from Miguel's text; Rai found it endearing.
Rai
Haha. Ok lang.
If tayo lang. Lol.
Good night, Miguel. Again, drive safe.
“I’m fucked. I’m so fucked,” Rai mumbled as he named Miguel as 'Miguel Kim' on his contacts, before throwing his phone on his sofa.
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Musings ni Rai (BAWAL BASAHIN)
Hahaha i hate u migsss bwisit (not reallyy)
Lalagyan ko na malisya lahat sana ok lang
Eme
But, it’s weird and disturbing that sometimes I imagine how your breath must taste like when you say my name…I don’t even remember when this started :/
Now that I think about it, sana sa straw mo na lang ako uminom ng kape…hahaha baliw