Chapter Text
I’m falling.
The abyss will swallow me alive.
Pain, so much pain, I can’t breathe.
Starling awake, I rake my shaking hands through my hair and try to slow my heartbeat, taking in measured gulps of air. Breathing in deep still hurts.
It’s this dream again.
This fucking dream again. I wish, I could cram it back to the depths of my mind, lock it away to be never seen again. Yet it crawls back to the forefront of my mind to haunt me as it pleases. On some level I know I’m just trying to get past the trauma of this nice, little near death experience my injury has caused me, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to it than just that.
I try to get up, but there’s an arm draped loosely over my hip, its weight solid and strangely comforting.
Ren’s still asleep.
He hasn’t left. No, that’s not how things truly are: I haven’t been able tothrow him out of my quarters since we were both able to leave med bay. I can’t help the sigh that rises from deep within and I have to draw my hands over my face to smother it.
He seems to dream, eyes moving restless beneath his lids, mouth parted a bit and exhaling softly. Ren isn’t handsome per se, but there’s something unique about him, I can’t name. I remember the saying ‘perfection kills beauty’ and in his case, there’s absolutely no perfection, but a lot of that killed beauty left in store. Actually, it’s quite fitting for a creature like him.
Lifting his arm to the side, I slowly slip free from his embrace. Leaving the warmth behind, goosebumps are rising up my arms and across my bare chest.
My steps seem to be unnaturally loud in the silent room, till I come to stop in front of the viewport. We are still in orbit; the reddish halo of the planet reflects in the durasteel and casts the room in a rust red tone. My mirror picture is tinged red, too. The wound in the center of my torso looks almost black though – healed, but still rough and ugly. My fingertips trace its beginning on my sternum. It describes a short line down, then a sharp tilt to the left, crossing the plane of my pectoral. Yant mentioned that if the injury had just been a little more to the side, it would’ve been my heart to take the damage. I would’ve been dead almost instantly and Ren could never have made it in time, no matter what powers me may possess.
Yet, here I am. The Force seems to want me to be alive – or more precisely: Kylo Ren wants me to be alive. Half of the civilized galaxy yearns to see my head on a stake, but I continue to exist.
I’m the world ender, my halo is rust red and there’s a high wire under my feet on which I balance day in, day out, yet here I am.
If there’s a God above, it surely has to be a cruel one. And one with a humor as dark as the blackest hole. Charming, how charming.
I feel my lips twist into a lopsided smile.
‘What are you smiling for? And why for Kriff’s sake are you up in the middle of the night circle…’
His voice is still laced with sleep and his skin glows like amber in the light, as his arms snake around my waist and I can feel his broad chest across my back.
‘Just thinking.’
A snort is answering me.
‘That’s all you ever do. No reason to get up at all.’ The words sound playful on the surface, but they carry a certain edge. His hands fan out on my stomach, underlining the message, requesting an honest answer.
‘I’ve been dreaming.’
I have to pause, unsure how and how much to reveal. Old habits die hard: I’ve never been close with anyone. But. Ren is one of the few constants in my life - as unstable as he may be.
And there’s this small but persistent voice in the back of my mind telling me ‘he loves you’. This wouldn’t change anything for the better, but it’s a starting point somehow. I let my eyes drop and lean my head back against his shoulder, his curls are tickling my cheek.
‘Bad dreams.’ I swallow. ‘…bad dreams about dying. But I’m still here, am I not…you made sure of that.’ The arms surrounding me are drawing me in closer, but other than that, there’s no answer coming from Ren. ‘I’ve never thanked you for that, haven’t I? I’m quite selfish. Taking anything and everything for granted.’ The small, cruel smile is back on my lips.
‘I love you.’
His voice is barely above a whisper, words spoken into my skin.
‘I know. Have known for quite some time.’ I lift my head and let my gaze linger on the planet. Its red halo is really a sight to behold. ‘See, that’s why I’m selfish. I just take without giving.’
‘That’s who you are. What you are.’
Now I have to laugh. Mirrored words again. Somewhere this god with its black humor is laughing too.
‘I’m horrible.’ Yes, I truly am and saying it aloud makes it even more real.
Below us, the planet is spinning and we along with it, in orbit with each other. I’ve killed billions and there will never be no blood on my hands. But right now I wear a halo like a crimson crown and Kylo Ren is the high wire catching me whenever I fall. One day, maybe one day, I will be able to be a not so horrible person and then I might be able to say the words I want so say, but can’t right now.