Chapter Text
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
I watch my days go by.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
I think I'm running out of time.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
People tell me to get ahead,
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
That if I don't start living, I'll die as just the 'funny best friend'.
Open your eyes girl, They say, the world is so very big,
Don't eat to much girl, please, your a doll, not a pig.
Just skin and bones, every time I see my skin.
Must be weak, They say, no muscle, eat better things,
but I'm only just under healthy weight,
and I don't know how to balance exhaustion, with a good plate.
That's a non-issue, silly, being underweight is good!
You know how many girls would pay to have a body you didn't choose?
Be grateful, little girl, and eat your fruits and veggies,
You're objectively pretty, stop worrying about the size of your tummy.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
I no longer look the same,
My shape changes in the mirror, and I don't look like my name.
I can't tell if I've put on weight, if it's healthy or too much,
no one's called me a skeleton in quite some time,
I thought that would fill me with self-love.
Am I too big now? I really don't know.
Some places I'm still much too thin,
And some, hormones encouraged my growth.
I know if it were someone else, I'd say I look fine,
but I don't recognise the girl in the mirror,
and I don't know when I'll get my confidence back, when my body will feel like mine.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
but I can barely close my eyes,
I shroud myself in darkness, but I still can see the light,
I toss around in my bed, too hot then much too cold,
why can't I just be content? Why can't I just let go?
My room's quiet, too quiet for me to switch off,
my device is on my bedside table. I need something to shut off.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
I stare at my screen until I pass out,
my eyes and head hurt when I wake up
but at least it shuts it out.
I've never been able to sleep ok,
even when I was young,
but I think it's getting worse,
I think I should tell my mum.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
I no longer sleep with my phone,
She decided that it must be the problem,
Is She right? I don't really know.
I still can't fall asleep, though,
and it's getting hard to concentrate,
I am alive when I need to rest,
and when I need to live I can't seem to wake.
My doctor hands me prescription pills. I feel like throwing up.
Insomnia, They said. Just eat this, and we wish you good luck.
My mum still thinks it's anxiety; I keep telling her 'no',
I'm worried that the pills will knock me cold
or that I might grow to need them,
but I'm getting desperate on those cold nights, and I think I might eat them.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
and I'm finally getting rest,
my brain shuts off, and I fall asleep,
I think the pills were for the best.
My phone's back in my room,
I'm using it for music.
The temptation to scroll is still there,
but I can try and not feel it.
Wake; Eat; Sleep, repeat,
Melatonin has stopped working,
I don't know why; I think I'm used to it,
And I'm going up in dosage.
I googled it, and I can't overdose,
but that just makes me want to take more,
when I get used to the artificial feeling of low.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
and I wake up with clouded sight,
the more I take, the less I wake
and the more I hate the light.
It doesn't work anymore, the pills by my bed,
I've started binging YouTube again
though I know it's not healthy,
if watching till I fall asleep is what works then I suppose it will do for me.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat,
and every day's the same.
They blend into one cycle,
a cycle of joy, love and pain.
My friends have helped me, though,
and I love them all too much;
my mum said it's selfish to vent to them,
but I owe them my life and such.
Wake; Eat; Sleep; repeat, doesn't hit the same.
think this motto is inaccurate; I think I am wasting away,
I sleepily blink myself open, eat too little or too much, and then lay in bed for half a day.
I go on runs, because it's meant to help with stress,
but I don't see any progress in the mirror,
and it hurts to feel my stamina dip.
Eat, sleep, wake, repeat-
was that even the right way?
It's hard to tell when life blends together,
days into nights, mornings into day.
I need to slow down, to do what is fun,
but everything's routine,
I need to smile and look up,
but im to exausted to breathe.
Autistic Burnout, now that's a new one,
they're getting creative with their labels,
all the more for me.
They say it will pass,
and I sure hope it will.
Wake, Eat, Sleep repeat
my never-ending cycle.
Scroll, Eat, Pills, again,
wait until I feel okay.
Wake; Eat; Sleep repeat,
I think I need to change.
Exercise; Write; Friends; YouTube,
it's not healthy anymore,
but it will get me to the next day.