Chapter Text
Kylo’s Playlist:
“Clavicle” - Alkaline Trio
“Nightcall” - Kavinsky
“Atmosphere” - Joy Division
“Gouge Away” - The Pixies
“Born in ‘69” - Rocket From The Crypt
“You gave me your phone number, I gave you mine,
Before you left I said that you can bet,
I'll be bothering you soon,
You said "No bother, please do”.”
“Whoa, whoa Hux stop, I can’t understand you. Who was in your store?”
“Poe, Kylo. Poe your ex-boyfriend was in my store.” Hux’s voice was icy and snipped, a sure sign that he was beyond angry and was veering towards furious. Kylo could picture him now; Hux was so controlled in everything he did, and his anger was no different. He would be standing in the back room of the book store because heaven forbid a customer hear Hux’s personal affairs, back straight and eyes fixed on a point only he could see. His pale face would show absolutely no indication of his internal mood, no matter how hot his temper burned, but Kylo knew Hux’s warning signs: as he grew more and more tense he would begin to tremble, barely visible but all too tangible, and his usually impeccable hair would begin to drift out of place to fall in soft wisps across his forehead. It happened whenever he was wound up or stimulated, and Kylo could think of a million ways he’d rather Hux be shaking and disordered than it being through sheer anger.
Kylo felt an instant chill run through his body. “What the fuck do you mean Poe was in your store? Why the fuck would he be there? And how would you know who he was?”
“Because Kylo, it turns out he knows my friend Phasma, and he came in with her.”
“Hang on, you know Phasma? Tall, blonde, English Phasma?”
“Yes that fucking Phasma, how many people called Phasma do you think I’m likely to know?”
Confusion creased Kylo’s face. “How could we both know her but not each other?” An innocent observation, but a poorly-timed one nonetheless.
Hux’s voice was barely higher than a whisper on the other end of the line, a sign that he was nearing the end of his tether. “Christ on a crutch Kylo, I don’t fucking know. Probably something to do with her being military and ridiculously private. How we know Phasma is not the issue here, we can discuss that another time. The current issue is the fact that your ex was in my store with our mutual friend and now I don’t know what he might or might not know about me, and that doesn’t sit well with me I’m afraid.”
Kylo bit the inside of his bottom lip so hard he tasted blood. He didn’t know what to say to console Hux, to reassure him that Phasma wouldn’t tell Poe anything bad about someone she considered a friend, but he doubted that Phasma potentially exposing his faults wasn’t what Hux was worried about. No, it was more likely the very idea of someone, anyone, possibly knowing the particulars of his life when he knew nothing of theirs except for what he’d heard from one incredibly biased source. Hux was a private person who did not give up his power easily.
Hux repeating Kylo’s name over and over, voice rising with every repetition, on the other end of the phone told Kylo he’d drifted away in thought, and he snapped his attention back.
“I’ll speak to Phasma and see what she said. If she said anything, I mean,” he corrected quickly, “But you know what she’s like, I mean obviously you do if you’re friends with her too. She won’t even tell me her full name! The chances of her telling Poe anything about you are slim. If they’re going to talk about anyone behind their back it’d be me, not you.”
There was a beat of silence before Hux spoke, silence Kylo knew was the calm before the storm.
“Funnily enough Kylo, I don’t really enjoy the idea of them bitching about you either.”
“Well what am I supposed to do about it, Hux?” snapped Kylo, temper rising. “What am I supposed to say? I didn’t exactly send him a gilded invitation to come back here with your name and address on it. What the fuck do you want me to do here?”
There was a sharp breath and then the chirpy beep of the line being disconnected. Hux had hung up.
Fuck.
***
Life Of Agony were loud in his ears and the sun was warm on the nape of Kylo’s neck, easing some of the stiffness in his shoulders but doing nothing for his mood. It would be melodramatic to say he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but nevertheless that was how he felt. The ever-present threat of bumping into his ex had his every nerve on edge, determined that he would not be the one surprised like poor Hux. He could see him now, jaw set and brows lowered as he took in what Kylo had to say, what Kylo claimed was the truth. He’d opened up to Hux about the breakup with Poe but...he hadn’t quite opened up all the way. Too eager to test the waters of his new-found attraction, he left out the parts that painted him in a bad light and crafted a scenario that made him sound faultless, but now...now he’d waded in those waters and found them warm and welcoming, and he knew he had no choice but to come clean and tell the truth. With each passing minute he felt the tide of his lie rise higher and higher, and a part of him thought it might be better to just let himself drown.
His laptop and sketchbooks littered the ground in front of him as he lounged on the grass of his favourite park, the pictures he’d taken of Hux’s fathers book backed up for easy access even though they were practically seared into his memory from hours spent staring at them. He could do with having a proper read of it though. Unfortunately he doubted it’d be wise to ask Hux for any favours any time soon. Ever again, maybe. His stomach sank at that thought. A little voice nagged him to remember that in that situation he hadn’t actually done anything wrong, that he had no way of knowing that Poe would would suddenly turn up at Hux’s store unannounced with their mutual friend, but he’d be damned if he’d listen to it. Sure I didn’t do anything wrong...this time. I still can’t exactly claim the moral high-ground.
As strong as the temptation was, he talked himself out of making a mental checklist of all the ways he was sabotaging his own life. All the self-loathing in the world wasn’t going to make things right with Hux, or pay his rent, or help him pass his classes. He’d tried to funnel it into his artwork because it should have been easy; use his dark and brooding frame of mind to paint a dark and brooding self-portrait in the style of an artist whose work could pretty accurately be described as ‘dark and brooding’. But no, as luck would have it being miserable really wasn’t helping, and instead he was finding himself at his most inspired and creative when he was around Hux. Muse would be a strong term, but it was feeling more and more accurate with every passing hour in Hux’s company. There was just something about the way he was constructed; the vibrancy and contrast of the colours in his hair and eyes, and the texture of his skin, and the cadence of his voice.
His mind was suddenly and, if Kylo was being honest with himself, welcomely distracted from his current inner turmoil by a dog barrelling into the back of his shoulder, barking out a noise that sounded like “Borf!” and knocking his phone from his hand and earphones from his ears, preventing him from sending Hux the incredibly schmaltzy text he’d just been composing. It bounded around him in a small circle. Excited, happy, energetic. Everything Kylo wasn’t, basically. Typical. Even a dog has it easier than me. He wanted to be annoyed with it’s owner, wherever they were, but he was a sucker for dogs and the distraction was nice, and the bouncing Shiba Inu was clearly a pro at distracting people if the undignified squealing noise Kylo made as it placed it’s paws on his shoulders and licked his face was anything to go by.
The little dog was still lavishing Kylo with affection when he heard a bright voice calling behind him. A voice that sounded familiar, but Kylo shook his head as if to tell himself he was being ridiculous. No, surely not… twisting, he craned his neck and head back to look at the man coming down the hill behind him. The sun high behind the figure threw him into complete silhouette, but Kylo would recognise the loops and whorls of that curly hair anywhere, and now the familiarity of the voice slammed home.
“Hey Ren. Long time, no see.”
His mouth went dry. What felt like a lifetime passed before his tongue unglued itself from the roof of his mouth, but that didn’t help the fact that Kylo had no idea what to say. His brain had stopped functioning at ‘He has a beard’ and that didn’t seem like the ideal opening gambit. He’d dreamt about this moment for so long but always with him being prepared, and always with the belief that it would never happen. Now here it was. Happening. When he was at his least prepared. With what felt like a Herculean effort he raised a hand to shade his eyes as he unstuck his teeth, which were clamped together so tight his jaw ached, and willed his voice to stay steady and not quaver. “And whose fault is that?”
“Hmm well, I guess that depends on who you ask now, don’t it?” Poe squinted down at Kylo with the same sly, lopsided smile that had made Kylo’s heart do somersaults all those years ago, and he felt a hollow ache bloom in the pit of stomach as he realised it still did the same today. No...no no NO, he scolded himself, do not even THINK about it. HE hurt YOU, remember?
Sure Kylo. You keep telling yourself that.
Poe glanced around as Kylo’s awkward silence continued, before filling it himself. “Oooookay, well it was nice running into you, Kylo. Or rather I guess it was nice that my dog ran into you. Actually I don’t know that nice is the word I’d use to describe this. I forgot how that talking to you is like talking to a ghost.”
A low blow. Classic Poe. Kylo jumped to his feet, incensed.
“So why the fuck are you talking to me right now, Poe? You don’t normally make a habit of talking to the people you’ve dumped.”
Poe smirked, and Kylo’s fist itched to wipe the smug look off his face. “Is that what you told your boyfriend?”
Kylo swayed, taken aback and unprepared. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he bit back.
The smirk didn’t go anywhere. Poe just looked at the ground and scoffed out a humourless laugh before looking back at Kylo with one eyebrow raised. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped as if thinking better of it, and slowly took a few steps backwards before shaking his head and turning to walk away. Kylo watched him go, scowling, and was about to walk away himself when Poe turned back to him.
“Kylo?”
“What?”
“Does he know that?”
***
15:45 – Hey. How are you?
15:51 – I’m busy, that is how I am.
15:52 – Sorry, I just really need to talk to you.
16:02 – Fine. Go.
16:04 – No I mean I REALLY need to talk to you. Preferably in person. Can I come over tonight?
16:08 – I’d really rather you didn’t.
16:10 – Please, Hux. It’s important.
16:18 – Against my better judgement, I’LL come over to YOURS when I’m finished at work. At least that way I can leave if/when I please.
16:20 – Thank you. I’m sorry x
***
It felt like he’d barely shut his eyes when Kylo found himself awake, tilting his head to the right and grousing quietly under his breath as the checked the time and found it to be only a little after five. Oh. That was because he had barely shut his eyes. It had taken him over an hour to get up the nerve to spill the truth, the whole truth, about his relationship and subsequent break-up with Poe to Hux, who had listened in steely silence with a convincingly bored expression on his face.
He told him everything. About Poe, the family friend who had more in common with Kylo’s parents than they had with their own son. Poe, who Kylo thought painted the stars and hung the moon. Who doted on Kylo but whose love wasn’t enough to pull him out of the doldrums of his mind. Hux had sat, stoic and statuesque, until Kylo finally ran out of steam. He chewed the inside of his cheek, a habit that Kylo had learned meant he was carefully analysing exactly what he wanted to say next, before he eventually spoke.
“So, are you saying he didn’t break up with you?”
Sighing heavily, Kylo had leaned forward, elbows on knees and his head in his hands. “Yeah, technically he didn’t break up with me. He did leave me, but only because he took my actions to mean I was finishing things with him. And I didn’t stop him. I told myself that I did nothing wrong and that he was completely at fault because he should have stayed!” He could feel his voice rising as he choked on a sob, but couldn’t help himself. His stomach was on fire and he needed to get it out before the crushing guilt ate him alive. “I needed him and he left because I didn’t tell him how much I needed him, and if I’d just fucking told him instead of just ghosting and acting like he was just supposed to know this he wouldn’t have left me!”
In no way was this fair; sitting breaking your heart about the circumstances of your break up with your ex, to someone you’d only recently become friends with and suddenly intimate with, is not a great idea. What he was expecting to achieve, Kylo didn’t know. A weight being lifted off his mind? A closer relationship with Hux? Hux to push him away completely like he deserved? Either way, it was done now.
“Sooo...is this something you do often, or…?
Kylo’s head snapped up, ready to defend himself against what he figured would be a volley of judgement from Hux. Instead he saw a wry smile and eyes soft but with a hint of sadness.
“I understand, Kylo,” Hux said with a heavy sigh, voice so thin and brittle it made Kylo’s chest constrict. “I really do. Although lies of omission are obviously still lies, it’s not like you told me a completely different story. Yes you left out some details, yes Poe isn’t the awful guy you made him out to be, but...” his voice wavered, and he bit his lip and looked off into the distance. “I’m not angry that you lied. I’m not even too sure why I was angry with you about Poe turning up here. I think...I think I was angry because deep down I knew you were still hung up on him, and when he turned up here I just thought...” He trailed off, swallowing hard. “I though ‘there’s no way I can compete with him’”
Hux had lifted his hand to stop Kylo interrupting before the words even left his mouth. “No. I’m not finished. And I’m not happy. You still lied to me, and I want to know why. Was it to make yourself look good? Did you think I’d just fall into bed with you? Whatever it was, lying is never worth whatever you’re trying to get out of it, I can tell you that.”
Kylo reached for Hux’s hand, but Hux had snatched it away as soon as if burned.
“Don’t you fucking dare,” he’d snarled, “I said I understand, not that I’m ok with it.”
Slumping back in his seat, Kylo had scrubbed his face with his hands and groaned. “Tell me what you want me to do, Hux. Tell me how I can make this right. If you’ve learned anything about me today it’s that I apparently cannot be trusted to do the right thing in these situations.” If he had to beg, he’d beg. If Hux wanted him to prostrate himself on the floor he’d gladly lick his boots clean if it meant Hux would just give him a chance to make it up to him. “I’ve said I’m sorry, I don’t know what more I can do, Hux. Just please, please tell me because I don’t want to lose you too.”
“Make things right, Kylo! Clear the air, that’s what you can do!” Hux had practically yelled, waving his hands and making Kylo flinch. “You say you want to be with me, but you’re still carrying all this baggage from a previous relationship, and that’s not fair on anyone. I deserve better. Poe deserves more. Phasma too, because I don’t want things to be awkward for her too now that she undoubtedly knows that we all know her, as well as knowing that we’re...together, for want of a better word.”
Hux stood, pulling Kylo to his feet with another heavy sigh. “Just...apologise to everyone who deserves an apology. Maybe then you can start putting it behind you and really start to move forward.” Taking Kylo by the hand, he’d tugged him towards the bed. “I’m sure you can think of other ways of making it up to me...”
He knew it wasn’t over with, that there was more Hux wasn’t saying and more that Kylo hadn’t told him, but now wasn’t the time to discuss that. A weight had been lifted and that was enough for now. He let Hux lead him to the bed and collapsed boneless on his back when Hux pushed him gently yet firmly down, and as terrified as he was of having to finally face his mistakes head on, at least he knew he wasn’t going to have to do it alone...
*
Sighing he tilted his head the other way to look at Hux as best he could; his left arm was trapped under Hux’s head, hair soft against his skin, and he could feel one warm hand holding on to his wrist. The room was lit only by the soft grey-purple light of dawn through the clouds, but Hux’s hair glinted like burnished copper all the same. Rolling over a little he buried his nose in it, inhaling that green apple scent that had quickly become something Kylo associated with happiness, and safety, and peace of mind. He couldn’t see Hux’s face but he could picture it; lips parted slightly, hair falling against his forehead in that way that made Kylo’s heart feel like bursting with the strength of the affection he felt, affection that Kylo was too confused to put a name to. Spots of rose pink high on his cheekbones, lips pale and dry. Dryness that Kylo ached to soothe, to run his tongue across and make warm and soft and pliant again. He rolled his forehead against Hux’s hair to look down the length of their bodies, just visible in the gloom.
His body was angled away from Hux’s leaving only the slightest distance between them. Just enough to run his fingers feather-light down Hux’s back, marvelling at the way his muscles contracted and his spine arched away from then back into his touch. Sharply recoiling, then slowly returning. He could still scarcely believe he still had the freedom to touch him in this manner. This strange, cold, private person who had opened his arms and his life to Kylo with barely a seconds thought, with such little hesitancy that Kylo still felt wrong-footed as if the rug was going to be swept away any minute. Hux still seemed like a walking contradiction to Kylo, and they’d promised not just each other but themselves that they’d take their time getting to know each other before committing fully, but this didn’t feel like taking their time any more. He wanted to know everything about Hux now. Wanted to know what his upbringing was like, how he liked his cereal, what his political opinions were and what he would look like with sweat streaming down his chest as he rode Kylo’s cock. How the fuck did he get here? Why the fuck was he here when he was sure he didn’t deserve to be, with a man in his arms who had just...just forgiven him, and told him to go make amends with his ex. How? How did he get so lucky?
“Tell me,” he whispered into the warm red locks, hoarse and barely audible. “Tell me what I did to deserve you...”
Must be your skin, I’m sinking in...
Hux’s breathing was slow and even, but it caught in soft little huffs whenever Kylo brushed his fingertips over areas he knew were particularly sensitive; the nape of his neck, the edge of his ribcage, the crease of his hips. It told him Hux wasn’t as deeply asleep as he’d thought. Kylo stilled, hand paused on Hux’s hip, listening for the sound evening out again to signal that Hux was completely under again. It didn’t come. Holding his breath he trailed his fingers down, around the delicate skin of Hux’s ass and upper thigh, releasing it in a quiet moan of his own as the act of dragging a single finger up between Hux’s thighs and the cleft of his cheeks earned him a tiny dry whimper from the somnolent man. Buoyed by this reaction Kylo repeated the motion, downwards this time, and whispered Hux’s name in a hushed question. Nothing. Most likely feeling everything in a dream, and Kylo was tempted to make that dream even sweeter.
Must be for real, ‘cause now I can feel...
They’d discussed this. Discussed bedroom matters and preferences and, to a certain extent, dos and don’ts and wills and wonts, so Kylo knew that as he drew his finger across his tongue and slid it gently against the lax ring of muscles of Hux’s ass that he wasn’t doing anything Hux himself hadn’t expressed an interest in. Kylo’s heart had flattened against his chest wall when Hux had described how he wanted Kylo to use him, use his body, straddling his legs and grinding down on Kylo’s crotch hard enough to make him gasp, right at the edge of painful. It was just as well Millicent had jumped from her perch on the door right onto Kylo’s head, causing a laughing fit that left them both breathless; Kylo had been dangerously close to begging Hux to show him exactly how he wanted to be used, make him Hux’s slave to do with as he pleased.
A soft, almost silent keening sound told Kylo that Hux was finally edging into wakefulness, and Kylo took advantage of this to finally slip his finger past that muscle into Hux’s hole, biting his lip to keep from moaning loudly as the tight heat locked around him. He didn’t think he’d ever stop being awed by just how amazing it felt to sink into Hux’s hole, slowly at first until he coaxed him open. It seemed like no time at all before he could easily slip in a second digit, thrusting slowly and deeply but intentionally avoiding his prostate. He wanted to draw this out, wanted it to last. The feeling of being inside Hux was addictive and Kylo didn’t want torn away any sooner than was strictly necessary.
“Shh, baby. Just relax. I’ve got you...” Kylo whispered in Hux’s ear, nipping gently at the lobe. The only response Hux gave was to turn and press his face into Kylo’s bicep, his breath hot and damp on Kylo’s skin. Both his hands were holding on now, one grasping his arm while the digits of the other wove themselves between Kylo’s fingers. Kylo responded in kind, closing his hand to grip Hux’s hand tight, and just that simple gesture made Hux whine, shaky and hoarse.
I’ll never forget where you’re at...
He could feel the tension in Hux’s body and tell that he was barely resisting the urge to fuck himself back on Kylo’s fingers as fast as he wanted to, like he knew Kylo would let him if he tried. Part of Kylo wanted Hux to do it, wanted to see his beautiful boy fall apart as he worked himself harder and harder until he finally spilled over, face screwed up tight as his mouth fell open in ecstasy. But no. Hux, as in all things, was too much in control for that. It may have been Kylo’s fingers working him open over and over again, but he knew it was Hux who was at the reigns. A single word and Kylo would go faster or slower or stop altogether if that was what Hux wanted. Hux’s ongoing silence was a sign to Kylo to just keep up what he was doing, so he continued with the same agonisingly slow pace, almost slipping his fingers out entirely before gliding them home again while resisting the urge to drag them across the bundle of nerves he knew would send Hux into raptures. God how much he wanted to replace his fingers with his cock, to sink into that tight heat over and over until it set them both on fire.
A tendril of sense reached through the fog in Kylo’s mind, urging him to notice how long he’d been fingering Hux for and how dry his digits had become, and he muttered an apology to Hux, who groaned at the loss of Kylo’s fingers, promising he’d be fast and reaching over Hux to rummage through his bedside drawer for the bottle of lube. As much as it pained him to tear himself away, it’d pain Hux more if he didn’t. Spit could only do so much and he wasn’t about to hurt him. Not when he hadn’t explicitly asked to be hurt, anyway. He squeezed a generous blob of gel onto his fingers, dropping the bottle onto the mattress in his rush, and rubbed it between his fingers to warm it up as best he could. Hux still flinched with a tiny gasp as the cool liquid hit his burning skin, turning it into a hoarse whine as Kylo buried his fingers inside him again. The minutes bled away as they lay locked together, their heavy panting and quiet moaning the only sound in the dark room. Still Kylo refused to rush and still Hux refused to push him, even when Kylo could no longer control himself and pulled himself closer to Hux to grind his cock against his tailbone. He could barely feel his left hand any more but he couldn’t care less; all he was aware of was the warmth of Hux’s body and the tiny, vulnerable cries coming from his throat that vibrated against Kylo’s lips and tongue, and Kylo felt like he might come just from listening to those sounds. Hux’s breathing quickened as his hole began to flutter around Kylo’s fingers, spurring him to finally twist his hand to graze his fingertips across Hux’s prostate, feeling it swell against his digits and almost throb as he worked Hux closer and closer to orgasm. He didn’t know how Hux was resisting the urge to grab hold of his own dick to work himself, it must have been hard to the point of pain, but he didn’t have the time to care; all too soon Hux’s breathing quickened and his voice rose until he was loudly huffing air more than moaning, building to a strangled yell as he came with a ferocity that shocked them both. Stars sparked behind Kylo’s eyes as he squeezed them shut and buried his face in Hux’s shoulder, panting as he slowed his movements and littered his neck and shoulders with kisses as Hux rode the waves of his orgasm, Kylo’s own pleasure completely forgotten. Shaking, he nuzzled into Hux’s hair, which was damp with sweat from the both of them but still smelled perfectly sweet to Kylo.
You got a beautiful taste...
Don’t let the days go by...
“Mmm...morning, beautiful,” he kissed around to Hux’s ear, his voice still thick with lust.
Hux’s voice was ragged as he tried to speak, “Ren?”
“Yes, Hux?”
“You’re still an arsehole.”
“That’s fair.”