Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Teaching Him to Trust

Chapter Twenty-Two

18-Months Later:

The crowd packed into Kane’s Bar was loud, boisterous, and excited. The extra waitresses and bartenders hired to handle the bigger-than-usual crowd have been working steadily since the doors opened to keep the food and liquor flowing.

The bouncers at the front door knew who to keep out and who to let in, and the security guards on the floor knew that there was a no-screw-up policy in place for this night. Chris Kane had made it plain that this night was no ordinary night at his place, and he would tolerate no fights or other issues.

The former Navy SEAL had been handling this planning nightmare since he’d been approached three months earlier about having the semi-informal concert at his place. He was honored, but right now as he prowled through the packed audience and special guests to get backstage, he was growling about headaches, ulcers, cowboys, nuns, and overly sweet displays of affection that were going to give him cavities just from watching.

Shoving open the door to a dressing room backstage without remembering to knock proved to be a mistake. Chris stepped in only to groan before he let the door shut with a bang to serve as a distraction to the two men he’d just caught making out... again.

“Hey! Come on now. I’ve got a bar full of crazy people... and I don’t even mean the normal crazy people who actually came out to see your ugly face get back on a stage to sing. Stop sucking face with the kid, or I’m telling his mother what’s going on backstage, and then you’ll have his brothers in your face a second later!” While his tone was stern and hard, he gave a wry shake of his head and a small smirk to show he wasn’t seriously angry.

“Learn to knock and you’d quit walking in on us,” Jensen Ackles returned sourly. He broke the kiss but didn’t move from where he was currently straddling his now blushing boyfriend’s lap in a chair in the dressing room. “I’m nervous and Jay’s distracting me.”

“I thought it was the other way around and you were distracting me from hyperventilating ‘cause there’s too many people around,” Jared piped up but buried his face against Jensen’s neck to hide his blush at being walked in on.

In the past 18 months, there have been a lot of changes in the lives of both young men. And while some weren’t good, most had been for the better; the most significant changes could be seen in how Jared responded to people and handled situations now, compared to over a year ago.

While Jared was often quiet and shy in social situations, especially those involving large crowds or people he didn’t know, he didn’t seek to hide behind Jensen as much. Instead, he would stay beside his boyfriend when possible but allow Jensen to handle speaking. If it got to be too much, he’d slip his hand either into Jensen’s or the back pocket of his jeans just to maintain some form of contact with the other man.

Shortly after their first night of making love, Jared had begun to come out of his shell more. It wasn’t in great leaps or bounds, but then no one ever expected him to make changes very fast considering he was still learning to be himself.

He and Jensen had spent the first few days in their new home mainly by themselves playing with the kittens who had quickly adjusted to their new place and were swiftly climbing, hiding, and learning how to get into places they weren’t supposed to be.

At first, Jared worried that after finally having steady time together, Jensen would get bored or see how stupid he really was and would start pulling away or become anxious about restarting his music career. It made him uneasy and upset until Jensen had asked him one night what was wrong and, since the day had been hard and frustrating for Jared anyway, he’d let his fears slip.

“Jay, I’m not going to get bored or regret my choice to stay with you,” Jensen had told him as they sat on the sofa watching TV and the kittens play. “I love you... and even if we have any setbacks or bad times, I will never change my mind about how I feel for you.”

There weren’t many bad times, but the ones they had were big enough to often send Jared into hiding with the kittens or pulling into himself until he worked through things enough to seek Jensen out. If it had been over one of Jensen’s rare displays of temper, his boyfriend would come and just sit down silently until Jared felt safe enough to turn to him, and then they’d just hold one another as they talked it through.

The worst of those times had been the day Jensen’s father, who had recently been released from prison, showed up at the door one day out of the blue.

Jared had never asked too much about Jensen’s early life. He’d been content to let his friend tell him what he wanted to of that time since, as far as Jared was concerned, Jensen’s past was just as private as his own, and they shared what was needed and didn’t pry.

He’d learned what he did know from either Jensen or Jensen’s grandmother, so he knew the relationship between father and son had been strained as the man had been in prison since Jensen was five. His friend had severed all ties with him shortly after turning 17 and coming out to his family as gay.

That particular week had been tense for both men due to the trial of Michelle Paul; it became clear that Jared would have to testify about his kidnapping and the memories he had of his abuse as a child and the more recent torture.

Vince Davis and Mark Stein had both tried to get Jared to be allowed to testify via video or in the judge’s chamber so he wouldn’t have to face the woman or the other cult members in court, but the damn defense lawyer had insisted he speak in the courtroom.

Jared had been sick the full week before the trial; he got more scared as his date to testify came closer, and Jensen was on edge due to his attempts to help Jared stay calm.

The whole day in the courtroom had been a nightmare for Jared. He’d had nightmares the night before and had finally curled up on the living room floor with the kittens rather than try to sleep and keep Jensen awake again, but Jensen had just come down to sit with him.

The defense team had then tried to have Jensen barred from the courtroom during Jared’s testimony, but the DA had flat out said he’d take a mistrial rather than put Jared through that horror alone, so the judge on the case had allowed Jensen into the courtroom.

The judge was a stern-faced woman with a sharp voice but a kind smile who cut the defense lawyer off every time he veered off topic to try to trick or frighten Jared into saying he was lying or that he had agreed to everything that was done to him.

Even though the memories were never far away, it would be the first time he’d had to speak of the horrors in public. His family had come up from Texas to support him. Chris and his friends were also in the courtroom, but it had been the steady feel of Jensen’s eyes on him that had allowed him to get through the hours on the stand until finally, the judge had told the sneering lawyer that he’d stepped over the line one too many times and let Jared go with her thanks for his courage and her best wishes in his life.

Jared had been cold, sick, and numb by the time he got off the stand. He’d barely gotten out of the room before Jensen was there, and he just collapsed into his boyfriend’s strong arms to sob and beg him to take him home so they could be alone and he could try to scrub off the sick feelings that had once again swamped him.

When they arrived home to find a clearly drunk and angry Jason Ackles waiting at the front gate, Jensen’s carefully controlled temper had started to fray. The day had already been painfully long, and he didn’t have the energy or patience to deal with his father.

Jared was still easily frightened by strangers even when he wasn’t already emotionally and physically exhausted. He especially didn’t like loud voices or drunks so when the older Ackles got too close to sneer at him and make a clear and crude slur, the young man instantly shrank into himself until Jensen rushed around the car to shove his father back.

Father and son were clearly not friends and it didn’t sound as if they would be anytime soon as Jared listened to the sharp voices from outside the house. Jensen had gotten him inside and told him to go upstairs to rest while he handled his father, and Jared had gratefully agreed.

Jensen’s voice had been tight, but what truly gave his anger away was how his hands shook when he’d held Jared before shooing him upstairs as he went back outside to deal with the man he’d refused entry into their home.

The angry, drunken man who screamed and shouted hurtful words and insults at Jensen made Jared shake as he sat on the steps with the kittens. He wished he had enough courage to stand beside Jensen, but it was men like his boyfriend’s father who scared Jared the most.

“My only son a faggot,” Jason had sneered into his glaring son’s face. “Bad enough you humiliated the family name while you tried to be a singer, but then you made it worse by coming out on live TV! And now you're living in the city with your gay lover? Jesus Christ! Oh, I’ve heard where he came from too... and how you have the gall to take him to my mother’s home to eat Sunday dinner like a real family. Well, no more! I’m back now and you’ll straighten your ass out and give me…”

Jared had heard Jensen get pissed off plenty of times, but this time, he seemed to reach a whole new level. He’d never heard the particular hard tone that he did when he shoved his father away from the door he’d just tried to enter while hurling threats and insults toward them both.

“You gave up the right to be called my father when you murdered my mother and basically left me an orphan. You have no right to call yourself my father or expect me to respect you or let you have anything to do with me!” Jensen had snapped, fury plain as he stared down the man who’d barely known he was alive even before that fateful night. “You have no right to come here and insult my life or my boyfriend. Gram knew since I was 17, the same as you, that I was gay. That won’t change because you suddenly decided you expect me to give you money.

“Grams kicked you out of the family years ago. I told you before that I want nothing to do with you, and I sure as hell won’t allow you to come near my home or my lover and start hurling hate. I don’t owe you anything and you won’t get one cent from me so get the hell outta my face and off my property!” He’d slammed the door on the still-screaming man and then locked himself in the studio he’d built on the third floor for the rest of the night.

Jared had avoided his family’s concerned questions when they’d stopped by later in the evening to see how he was doing. He’d tried to explain Jensen’s absence, saying that he was working on new music, but that led to Steve griping about the singer leaving Jared alone after such a stressful day. Finally, their father seemed to sense that it was time to leave and ushered the family out the door.

It hadn’t been the first time Jensen had closed off from him, and Jared had tried to ignore the building doubts that maybe his friend was getting tired of dealing with all the fallout and trouble. He knew how he got when he was dealing with too much, so he’d tried to leave Jensen alone to settle himself with the fact that while he had no relationship with his father; it was plainly clear now the senior Ackles would never accept a gay son.

Jared had been learning to write more, so after a few hours of wandering the house in silence and trying to distract himself from the bad memories of reliving his worst horrors, he’d written a shaky note and slid it under the door to the studio before going to take a bath. He was getting ready to go to bed even though Jared knew he’d never sleep that night and would probably end up on the sofa or in the kittens’ room, which was once again where they’d set up the pool table and games.

He’d just mainly been soaking in the bubbles, not even interested in the boat or rubber duck, when he’d heard the bathroom door open but kept his eyes lowered to avoid seeing what he feared might be in Jensen’s eyes.

“I’ll never take back either telling you that I love you or that I’m gay, Jared.” Jensen’s voice was low but calm as he knelt beside the tub. He reached for Jared’s face to hold it between gentle hands. “I’m sorry that I left you alone today. You needed me to be strong for you, tonight especially, and I let that asshole make me feel like I have so many times since I was little. I miss my mom sometimes so much, Jay. Jason, my dad, was never around much, even before he went to jail. I knew he hated it when I came out to my family, but hearing him today... it brought back all the hurt and anger I’ve ever felt, and I needed the time to settle down.

“I don’t get angry, at least not that angry very often, but when I do, it’s not easy for me to calm down. I didn’t want to end up snapping at you for trying to help, and I’d never touch you when I was that angry, so I stayed upstairs. But I promise you it doesn’t mean I’m tired of you or I don’t want you because you’re the only thing that keeps me sane, Jay.” He brushed his thumbs over tear-streaked cheeks. “I said once that you were my heart, my breath, and my soul. That hasn’t changed and it will never change no matter what we face. I love you... and in case I haven’t mentioned it lately, I am so damn proud of you for what you did today.”

“You make me brave,” Jared murmured, lifting his eyes to see the tears on Jensen’s face. He knew he’d been crying and wished he’d been there for support like Jensen always was for him. “I’m... sorry seeing that man today hurt you. Was he mean because of me or…”

Jensen shook his head while letting his forehead rest against Jared’s, the sadness in his eyes turning to resignation. “No. He’s one of those people... I told you we’d always have to deal with a few of them… who don’t approve of men or women loving the same sex and don’t mind telling them so. He was meaner today than usual because he was drunk and because I refused to give him what he felt he deserved.

“I will never let my father or anyone in my family or strangers hurt you either emotionally or physically, and I won’t let them hurt me by making me doubt myself.” He ducked his head to catch Jared’s worried and bitten lip with his to kiss him gently. “I’m sorry I left you alone to deal with things after today. Can I assume your brothers will want to punch me tomorrow?”

Jared managed a small smile. “Erin mentioned taking a swing, but I told Momma, right before they left, about your... dad coming and yelling, so she said you were getting your head back in order. She said she’d explain it to everyone else, and they couldn’t hit you or she’d be tanning their hides.” Jared thought his Momma could be so funny at times, but right then he was more interested in Jensen who had started to dip his hand into the warm soapy water and lightly splash it over Jared. “You... umm... you can share my Momma and Dad since they’re nice and... they like you and accept what... we are and…”

Jared’s open and honest generosity never failed to touch Jensen; he hoped so much that the boy never lost his ability to see the good amidst all the bad in the world and that he continued to love with such an open heart.

“And Grams likes and adores you, so maybe we’ll share what family we each have and tell the rest to go take a flying leap.” Jensen smiled at the soft laugh he heard and felt himself relaxing while eyeing the bubbles and Jared; a wicked gleam came into his eyes. “You about done or would you mind some company?” he asked with a suggestive rise of his eyebrows.

They’d showered together and shared a bath before, so Jared knew if they did it now, it wouldn’t be ducky he’d be playing with. Happy that Jensen seemed to feel better, and that they were still alright, he smiled shyly as he slid forward to make room in the tub. He watched Jensen pull his shirt over his head and knew things were good because Jensen wouldn’t want to touch him if he was still tense.

By the time they were done in the tub, Jared was relaxed fully and pliant as he curled into Jensen’s warm arms under the covers. They shared slow kisses that were meant to show love and promise rather than make either of them hard again.

He enjoyed the quiet times after sex and before sleep because they’d talk or Jensen would sing to him. It was during one of those sleepy, soft interludes that Jared had found the courage to take a step that he’d been avoiding since it had first been mentioned in the hospital months earlier.

“Jen?” He lifted his head from where it had been lying on Jensen’s chest, listening to his boyfriend’s steady heartbeat.

“Hmm?” Jensen’s eyes had been closed but he opened them with a gentle smile as he let his fingers brush over Jared’s cheek. “What’s up, Jay?” he asked seeing the small frown and hesitance in Jared’s eyes. “Jared?”

“I... I... want to do two things, or at least start looking into them. I know for the one we’ll have to find someone really, really special,” Jared went with the move to gently nudge him onto his back so Jensen could prop himself up over him. “I want to talk to Dr. Nadia about maybe finding someone to take the brand off my back, and maybe fix some of the scars and... I... I want to... I love you, Jensen, and I know there’s nothing that I can’t talk to you about but... the people at the hospital, Chris, and even your Gram have mentioned that one day we might need someone else but…”

The mention of Jared talking to a therapist had come up plenty of times, but it had always made the boy tense and uneasy so Jensen had flat-out said that if Jared ever decided he needed to speak to someone outside their small circle he would arrange for it, but he’d leave the choice to him.

Realizing what Jared was trying to say now had him paying closer attention. They’d spoken of going to a specialist to see how many of the scars, and especially the brand on his upper back, could be removed, so he’d known Jared was nearing a decision to finally do that, but he hadn’t been expecting him to make the move to look for a therapist yet as he was still so shy and withdrawn if he had to speak to anyone other than the people he’d gotten used to.

“What’s brought this up?” he asked curiously, fingers brushing Jared’s hair back out of his eyes. He didn’t miss the smile on his boyfriend’s face that once again the front of his hair was long enough to fall in his face. “I mean, you know if this is what you want to do, then I’m with you, but I don’t want you to feel as if people are pressing you to talk to a shrink if you’re not ready yet.”

“I want to be able to look at people when we go someplace and someone talks to me. I want to learn how to be comfortable in crowds, or to be able to go more than a few minutes without you being close enough to touch or make eye contact,” Jared replied, trying to explain as best as he could. “I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking you up screaming. I want to be able to walk down a street with you without being afraid that someone’s going to yell at us or try to take me away from you. I... I want to be normal for you, Jen.”

The last words were whispered, but Jensen was close enough to catch them. “You are normal for me, Jay,” he reassured the worried young man, but he thought he understood what Jared wanted and accepted that there were things that Jared needed to talk about, and perhaps they did need to have a third party there to help them both learn the right way to deal with his past.

Jensen could handle the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the occasional memories that Jared would just start talking to him about, but he also could tell there were still a lot of things, bad things if he judged the way Jared pulled in on himself, that his boyfriend hadn’t mentioned yet.

“If you want to start looking around for a therapist to talk to, then we will... and you know I’ll go with you if you want me to so you won’t face anything alone,” he told him. He knew it was the right thing to say when Jared relaxed and moved his arms around him to hold and be held as if fearing Jensen wouldn’t want them to talk to someone this soon. “Whatever you need, baby boy, tell me, and you’ll have it.”

“Thanks, Jensen,” Jared smiled, happy that they could maybe do both things. He was ready to start dealing with his past, but he was still curious about Jensen’s own choices. “Will you sing again?”

“I sing all the time, silly,” Jensen chuckled while lying back, his arms around Jared to bring him back to lie over his chest. He knew what his friend meant.

Jensen sang for Jared all the time because he liked to share his music with his boyfriend. It made Jared smile and it relaxed him to listen to Jensen play guitar and sing in the living room. He also loved catching him writing lyrics or notes on scrap paper or napkins.

Music of some kind surrounded them daily, but he knew Jared was asking if he would ever sing in public or re-sign with another recording label. It was something that several people had been asking him now that things had calmed down.

Lee Manning had been as good as his word; he had released a statement that explained how Ms. Scott’s actions to drug her former client during his final few concerts had been against label policy and promised that she would be legally prosecuted as well as sued for defaming both the label’s name and Jensen’s.

The final check from the label had been for significantly more than the originally agreed-upon amount, but the note that accompanied it stated it was a personal apology for the hardship and pain caused over the last several months and the older man wished Jensen well in whatever he chose to do in the future.

Because he did have to testify at Margo’s trial to explain what he recalled from those 29 days of pure hell, Jensen also had to face the press one final time. He had done so only after Chris Kane made damn certain the area was secure and no one got closer than allowed.

A piece of Jensen had dreaded this. He feared the backlash despite Chris telling him that for the most part, his fans had easily accepted the announcement he’d made in San Diego; there had been surprisingly little negative fallout. But he’d still been worried enough that he’d left Jared at home that day because he didn’t want him in the courtroom to hear what was said. He also wanted to keep him out of the cameras’ range until he could judge for himself the response of not only the reporters but also his fans.

It turned out that Chris and the PR firm headed by Nina Stein, a warm friendly woman who’d arrived at the door one sunny afternoon with a cheesecake in one hand and a grumbling husband in the other, were correct, and his fans did seem to be responding well to not only his coming out but also the possible change in direction he wanted his music to one day take.

Nina was steely-eyed and firm when conducting business. She brooked no disrespect for her client, and on her first official press outing to explain Jensen’s reasons for stepping down from touring and public appearances while he addressed personal concerns, she briskly shut down the few reporters who tried to turn things into a nasty spectacle.

She explained things to Jensen in a way that no one ever had before, but he understood it much better and knew he could trust her firm to have his best interests at heart when he did decide to go searching for a new manager or label.

Jensen had liked her from the start, but it was the warm way she smiled at Jared the first day, how she worked to make the shy young man comfortable, that sealed the deal. The fact that she could also shut down the opinionated fed and cause Chris to mutter under his breath was icing on the cake as far as the singer was concerned.

“I’ll probably record again when I’m ready, Jay,” Jensen finally replied to the question. He really did miss singing and writing. As long as he could do those things without the damn hassle of touring, then he’d be happy to give his career another try. “I’m just not ready to sing in public yet. It’s still too raw after everything Margo did.”

Jared made a soft sound that meant he understood, and then he placed a kiss on the underside of Jensen’s jaw. “I’ll be there with you when you do,” he promised quietly. “I want to support you like you support me, and I’ll protect you too.” He smiled at the singer. “Me and the guard kittens.”

That made Jensen laugh since he still remembered how the mailman had jumped nearly a foot off the ground one day when he’d knocked to have something signed for, and Bert had barked and growled at him.

“Y’know if the kittens all start barking, we won’t need a puppy,” he mentioned, but he knew pretty soon they’d have a puppy of some sort since he was finding pictures of various puppies lying innocently around the house. He knew Jared was subtly hinting about him keeping his promise that they could have a puppy or two.

“Only Bert barks, and I’m trying to teach him that kittens meow... but I think he just wants to bark.” Jared yawned, eyes sleepy now that they’d talked, and his body was finally ready to sleep. “Jen? Can we have a puppy?”

Jensen smiled softly, pressing a kiss to Jared’s head and holding him closer. “Yeah, we’ll go look for one this weekend if you want.”

“Umm, when we went to see Sister Rose the other day, I saw one hiding in the alley across from the shelter. Carlos said the puppies had been dumped the other day, and he’d been sneaking them food but they’re really little so…”

The worried tone was there, and so was the yearning to care for the discarded animal... s. The plural suddenly hit him, and Jensen lifted his head to look into big, sad, hopeful eyes warily. “How... many puppies, Jared?” he asked carefully since the last time he’d been talked into taking care of an animal, he found himself with a houseful of kittens.

“Only three,” Jared answered and promptly hurried on even as his boyfriend was groaning and working up the resolve to refuse this time. “And they’re really teeny tiny, Jen. Looks like someone didn’t want ‘em so they dumped ‘em without their momma so they’re scared... and Jen, they’re so fluffy! They have cute little noses and they licked me so I know they’re friendly and we can get them collars so they can go outside during the day and they can play with the kittens at night ‘cause they said they would and…”

“They said they’d play with the kittens?” Jensen arched a brow at that one but knew he was lost even as Jared continued giving him that wide-eyed sad look while also placing little kisses along his jaw.

“Well, I asked ‘em if they’d play nice and they all yipped and licked me so I know they’ll get along I told Zoe and the guys that they had to be nice and no scratching if you said yes and will you say yes to going to get the puppies, Jen?” Jared finally paused, having run out of breath, but he looked at Jensen hopefully. He knew that three puppies might be too many so he offered a small compromise. “We can give one to Chris to act as a watch-puppy for his bar; that way it’ll still be in the family, but we’ll only have two.”

Jensen had already resigned himself to the fact that he’d be going to pick up the three lost puppies in the morning even before Jared tossed that comment at him. He felt happy that his boyfriend considered Chris part of their family despite the man’s gruff exterior and words that sometimes still made Jared nervous. He was pretty sure it would make Chris happy to know that, too, hopefully, happy enough to adopt a puppy.

“Fine... but the first time a puppy meows, we’re having a serious talk,” he sighed, but then he was laughing through kisses as Jared plastered his face in happy kisses while thanking him.

That was how their home now came to have nine kittens and three very playful puppies; a single look at the large puppy paws told Jensen that while they were small now, they were mixed with a large breed dog and before long, he’d be once again looking for a larger house. Maybe this time he’d look outside the city limits so both the animals and Jared would have room to grow and play.

At the eight-month mark and after several wrong turns, they’d found a friendly, understanding, and gentle therapist that both Jensen and Jared were comfortable with.

It became quickly apparent after the first couple of therapists hadn’t worked for Jared that a male doctor just was not the best choice for him. Jared had closed up as soon as he’d seen the first one and wouldn’t even look up or say a word to the man. Only minutes after the second therapist had opened his mouth, Jensen had called it off and spent the rest of the day holding and rocking a shaking Jared who didn’t understand why so many people they met said ‘if he was telling the truth about the abuse’.

The third counselor had made Jensen leery; he honestly wasn’t convinced that a female would be any better than a male, but he’d sat with Jared in Doctor Keri Baker’s office one day trying to control his own nerves as well as sooth Jared who feared the woman would instantly dislike him or make a comment about the scars on his face. When the office door opened, a white blur streaked in despite the woman’s best attempts to the contrary, and a dog instantly dove up to sit between the men as if daring its owner to budge him.

That was how Jensen knew this was the therapist for them; Dr. Baker wasn’t stiff or clinical as she hurried after her dog, but stopped and smiled when she saw it cuddled against Jared who was already talking to the happy Yorkie like he would their own dogs.

Keri Baker had been practicing therapy for 15 years and often took her dog to the office when she saw children because she knew the kids often were more comfortable with animals than people. She hadn’t intended for the little terror to escape her office, but the moment she saw the instant change in Jared’s tense demeanor, she let it stay. From then on, also always brought the dog when she had appointments with the boys since Reno helped Jared cope when it came to revealing the more horrific times of his childhood; things that he’d held back from revealing to Jensen out of shame and fear of being left.

“Considering the trauma and abuse he’s endured, he’s doing much better than most people would be in his position,” the woman revealed one day about a month into her weekly sessions with the pair. She spoke with Jensen in private while Jared played with Reno in the outer office. “Considering what you’ve told me along with what I’ve been able to coax out of Jared not to mention what I’ve seen in his medical records, I can honestly tell that you have helped him much more than any therapist would have to this point.”

From the first appointment, Keri could see the bright light and intelligence shining within Jared. She also recognized how scared and uneasy he still was, especially with strangers. When she had agreed to meet both boys and possibly take on Jared’s case, she had looked into his files before meeting him. She’d learned that he’d been a victim of violent and horrible abuse at the hands of a cult, not once, but twice, and realized that this could potentially be a very difficult case.

She’d seen plenty of cult cases and abuse cases, so she knew how withdrawn and anxious those victims could be. After learning that for most of his life he’d been voluntarily mute and had only started coming out of his shell recently, she hadn’t expected to find this bright-eyed, handsome young man with the shy smile who cuddled her dog while still clinging to his boyfriend’s hand; she was even more surprised when he offered her a quiet hello even though his eyes remained firmly fixed on the dog.

Keri had waited for about five appointments to pass before she asked to speak to Jared for a short time alone, and while she caught Jensen’s concern and also his warning glare to not hurt Jared, she watched him quietly reassure the younger man that he’d be right in the next room if he got too scared, but that he could talk to Keri because he was brave.

As a therapist she’d often seen couples go through the aftereffects and healing of rape and abuse, and she’d been aware of Jensen’s brush with it as well, but she honestly could never recall seeing anyone give such support and open love as she watched Jensen offer Jared.

She also couldn’t recall ever seeing such a firm warning aimed her way as the singer paused beside her on his way to the other room.

“Don’t hurt him,” Jensen warned in a low voice but tossed a calm and supportive wink over his shoulder.

Jared was quieter without Jensen, and Keri didn’t want to ambush him or try to trick him into saying anything she thought he might not be with his partner in the room. She’d mainly wanted to see how Jared behaved when he was alone, and she wasn’t surprised to see uneasiness and fear for the first several moments. She was about to call Jensen back when she saw how Jared’s breathing had changed, but then he surprised her by taking a deep breath and starting to speak.

“Jen says I’m brave. I’m not really... ‘cause it scares me to be without him... I’m afraid that one day he’ll leave me for a minute and someone will hurt him... or me but... I wanna learn to be brave so he doesn’t have to worry so much.” Jared’s smile was timid as he lifted his previously lowered lashes to look between her and the door. “He’s probably pacing a hole in your rug out there right now since he’s scared you’ll say something mean to me about loving him... or letting that stuff be done to me... some of the others said stuff like that. I love Jen, Dr. Keri. I wanna make him proud to love me... and that’s why I come here to talk to you about the things I don’t want him to hear alone. Jensen helps me, but he gets angry when he thinks about me being hurt, so it’s better for us to talk about that stuff with you.”

Keri blinked back tears as she realized that day that Jared was protecting Jensen as much as himself. The case quickly became more personal to her, and she found herself wanting to see the day when Jared could do all that he dreamed of without fear.

She also learned it was a matter of helping Jensen accept that he could step back a little and let Jared try things on his own. It was even okay if Jared failed as long as he was always there to pick him help and encourage him to try again. She also began to help the singer over his own fears and hurdles after Jared mentioned how uneasy Jensen was about singing again in public.

Now, she was filling Jensen in on her private time with Jared. “You want to protect him, to teach him that the real world isn’t altogether the scary place he once thought it was. To do that, Jensen, you’ll have to show him that you aren’t afraid to face it and that you’ll face it with him,” she told him as they watched Jared color and play with Reno while waiting for Jensen. “I know you haven’t spoken too much about what went on that time you were separated, or if you have Jared’s keeping quiet about it, but you can’t expect him to heal if you don’t as well.”

Jensen did know that, and he accepted the woman’s words as truthful even if it meant talking about things he’d much rather ignore. But he knew she was right; he couldn’t expect Jared to completely heal or face his demons if he wasn’t prepared to do the same.

After that day he and Jared spoke more of what it meant if Jensen looked for a label again to represent him. He had the studio on the third floor, or he could record at a local studio. He might even agree to perform at a few local venues, but Jensen swore to Jared that he wouldn’t go on long tours that would take him away for weeks or months on end. Neither man was ready to face that kind of separation yet... if ever.

As they both began to speak more freely and face the things that both had been trying to protect the other from, it turned out Chris had the answer to Jensen’s other issue... or rather his former teammate, Lee Manning’s son Ethan, had the answer.

“I broke away from Dad’s label about three years ago to start my own. It’s not big, and we’re not as well known as Dad’s, but we’re getting there. If you’re willing to give me a shot, I can promise that you’ll have 100% creative freedom to write, sing, and record what you want,” the man told Jensen and Jared one day when he met them for lunch at Chris’s bar. The bar owner was in attendance and was damn sure going to make certain his friend didn’t get a raw deal. “I know what Margo did to you, Jensen. I told Dad a long time ago the woman was a loose cannon... you know you weren’t the first singer she abused, right? I wish I’d been in the country when it happened ‘cause I might have been able to get to Dad sooner than Chris did.

“You were one of the best artists on Dad’s label, and it’d be a shame for you to stop doing what you love, but I get that you may need time after the hell you went through with Margo.” The ex-Navy man had already talked to Chris and been told not to push, so he wouldn’t. “I can leave you with a copy of the contract I’m proposing so you can go over it, and I’m totally willing to change a lot of it to fit with what you’d want…”

“I won’t tour.” Jensen interrupted, knowing he would stick to his guns on that one. He carefully watched the man’s face but didn’t see any disappointment or dislike shown over that comment. He was somewhat surprised since he knew most labels wanted their acts to tour in order to promote sales. “I may agree to one or two local gigs, small ones, to test the waters but long tours that take me away from home for months on end, or even a week, are out of the question. I won’t do those again ‘cause I promised Jay I wouldn’t leave him or the kids for that long.”

Jared blushed while playing nervously with his napkin. He knew, and he knew Chris would know, that when Jensen said kids, he meant the animals that made their house a home, and it made him happy to know that Jensen thought of them as that.

“Yeah, Chris told me no out-of-town tours before he even agreed to arrange this meeting. No huge arenas, no security that he didn’t personally arrange... the guy’s like an overprotective father! I didn’t even bother having tours put in the contract,” Ethan assured him. He couldn’t help noticing that Jensen kept reaching for the other man’s hand whenever he got too nervous. He also noticed that Chris wasn’t ever too far away from their table as if keeping an eye on them. “If you just want to record and write, that would be fine with me,” he told him. He thought to add one other thing. “You’d also have the final say on anyone who wanted to record any of your music, old or new since Dad said you still hold full rights to all the music you wrote over the years with him.”

“That’s not quite true anymore.” Jensen smiled at Ethan’s confused look. “I only hold partial rights. I arranged things so I hold 50% of the rights to my music; the other half is in Jared’s name… just a precaution so no one else can ever try to pull the crap Margo did.” Jensen knew that surprised the man, and still confused Jared, but he wanted it that way so he’d left things like that. “You’re right though. I won’t ever allow someone to record my music if I don’t think they understand what’s behind the lyrics. I…” He stopped to meet Jared’s gaze and saw a small nod of encouragement. “I’d be willing to make one recording with you... just to see how it goes because I’ll be totally honest and say I won’t do this if the fans don’t want it. I won’t waste your time and money or my time since there are other things I can do... that I want to do... with Jay.”

“A single record to start with is fine.” Ethan honestly hadn’t even been expecting that much so soon and knew to count his blessings. “When do you want to start and where?” he asked, catching Chris giving him a warning look to slow down.

“I... I have a studio in our house that I’d prefer to use... but it’ll have to be next month... maybe even a little later,” Jensen sounded firm about this and reached for Jared’s hand to squeeze it before the younger man could offer the objection that he knew was on the tip of his tongue. “Jay’s getting some skin grafts on his back and stuff so I need to be able to be with him and keep an eye on the wounds after. It’s another reason I’d prefer to record at the house. I don’t want to leave him alone while he’s healing from those.”

Ethan had also been firmly told by Chris earlier that this would be Jensen’s response if he agreed to record, so he simply nodded his agreement. He’d easily seen the devotion and love between the two young men from the moment they entered the closed bar. He’d also caught Jensen’s protectiveness toward Jared the moment he stood to greet them, and he saw the way the singer edged slightly in front of the younger man as if expecting Ethan to hurt his friend.

“Whatever you want, whenever you want, Jensen,” he replied easily, extending a hand. “I think you’ll find this to be the beginning of a very good arrangement for both of us.”

Jensen wasn’t sure about that, but he would keep an open mind. He’d liked Ethan when he first met him when he was still signed with Lee’s label and had been glad when he’d recommended Chris as his bodyguard. He just didn’t want to be fooled or used again. His biggest concern at the moment was Jared; he would deal with the music after the worst of his procedures was over.

They’d met with several doctors both in San Francisco and Houston to talk about removing the brand on Jared’s back and possibly reducing the scars where possible. While most of them seemed interested in the case, they seemed to only want to focus on the scars on Jared’s face.

The boys had gotten together with Jared’s family to discuss the options, but it had been Jared one night, as he and Jensen were sitting on the swing in the backyard as the animals all played together, who had shakily asked Jensen if he’d be too disappointed if he didn’t allow the doctor to touch his face.

While the burns on Jared’s face were obvious enough to be seen, there were others on his back and chest as well as the damn brand, that were far worse. It still took Jensen off guard since he thought for sure if there was a chance to make the faint facial burns less noticeable that Jared would take it.

“Would you be angry if I didn’t have the grafts done to my face, Jensen?” he asked again, cuddling tighter against Jensen’s side as if scared of his answer. “I know the scars make me mmhm.”

A quick kiss cut the word off that Jensen knew was coming. “One more time, Jared. You are not ugly,” he replied firmly in between heat-searing kisses that he knew made Jared blush and also seek more. “I told you before, and I will keep telling you, that I love you and that means I will love whatever marks you have on your body.” He gentled his lips while smoothing them up the scars in question until he got to Jared’s temple; there he pressed a firmer kiss and heard a sigh of pleasure that made him smile. “It’s your body, Jay. It’s your ultimate choice what the doctors do or don’t do, so if you don’t want them to touch your face then they won’t.

“I won’t ever pressure you to do something you don’t want to do... and I won’t let anyone else pressure you either, but can you tell me why you don’t want those touched?” Jensen thought he knew but wanted to hear what Jared had to say to confirm it. He would feel better about explaining it to others, which he knew he’d have to do if Jared said it.

Jared left his head buried against Jensen’s neck as Lulu, the black and brown German Shepherd/Husky mix, curled at their feet in the yard. “The one doctor we spoke to in Texas with Momma and Dad, the one you snarled at when you thought I wasn’t paying attention, said that any of the grafts might add more scars even if they take aware some of them. I don’t really care about that if it’s on my back or stuff but I... I’m scared to let them touch my face and add even more... scars... or make the burns look even worse. Don’t wanna be…” He stopped to see the warning glint shining there and knew to stop. “Is that okay, Jen?”

“Whatever you want, babe,” Jensen assured him while kissing his face again and meaning it. He didn’t want Jared to do anything that scared him; he knew his friend only wanted to try to remove the brand because he thought it would make him safer, and in truth, that was also the only reason Jensen was biting his tongue about letting Jared risk the painful skin grafts. He hoped it might remove at least some of the brand and therefore make it harder for any remaining cult members to one day come after him.

It took a little longer to find a specialist who was skilled enough to meet Jensen’s strict qualifications and would accept the task of working on the brand and the scars left on Jared’s body without touching his face, but finally, they were put in touch with a short skinny surgeon out of Palo Alto. He met with them one afternoon and merely nodded through most of the exam, not arguing about doing a graft to the burns on Jared’s cheek and neck.

The man looked more like a surfer than a world-class skin specialist, and he sounded more like one too, but once he was finished examining the brand and scars, he merely came back around to look straight at Jared’s face, a thing that few people ever did, and spoke to him rather than to Jensen. He said that while he might not be able to remove all signs of the brand, he could lessen the mark so that it would be almost indistinguishable. He did warn that it would take a “few” grafts.

A few meant four, and they took a toll on both men since they were painful, and having Jared in pain meant Jensen was snarling at literally everyone who spoke to him... he honestly didn’t care who it was. In the span of two months, he’d literally snarled, hissed, and snapped at everyone they knew including his grandmother, Vince Davis, nearly every member of Jared’s family, and more than a few of the guys Chris knew who were making it a habit to drop by to check on Jared whenever they were in town.

“Am I not snarling enough for you people?” Jensen finally growled one night while running a cold cloth down Jared’s back after he’d gotten a slight infection from a nurse who wasn’t careful enough to clean the wound site after the last and worst of the grafts. “I used to be scary.”

Doug, who had dropped by on Chris’s orders to puppy and kitten sit for the evening so maybe Jensen would sleep, merely lifted an amused brow while fighting not to laugh. “Jensen, I’ve seen you scary ‘cause I’ve seen you in Kane’s face more than once, but dude, when you’re mother-henning the kid here? Not so much scary as frustrated about having people close to him.”

“Go to hell... and go grab the kids on your way since I swear Zoe is trying to teach the puppies to climb the curtains,” Jensen tossed back as he continued soothing a tired, sick Jared. Once the younger man was settled and sleeping, Jensen did let himself fall into a restless sleep, but he snapped awake at every sound or movement his boyfriend made during the night.

Jared’s nightmares weren’t as frequent as they once had been. They did still happen but usually only when Jared was extremely tired, or upset, or if something had occurred during the day that might have reminded him about the abuse or his fears.

Meeting each week with Dr. Keri had helped him learn to cope with a lot of his still-buried fears and feelings of shame, so even when he did have a nightmare, it was easier for Jensen to help coax him out of it. In all the months since he and Jensen moved into the new house and began their life together, there had only been one really bad nightmare that had forced Jared out of the bed and into the large walk-in closet to hide in the back. That nightmare hadn’t been about his past, but about seeing Jensen shot.

It had taken Jensen 45 minutes of coaxing and soft words to reassure Jared that he was fine and that even when he started to record music again if he did perform in public, no one would shoot him or hurt him.

Jared had clung pretty tightly to Jensen for the next few days. He stayed within touching distance and even when they’d taken the puppies to the park, once Jensen made it clear to everyone involved that they couldn’t take the kittens to a dog park, Jared never strayed more than a few feet from his boyfriend.

Therapy, and gradually introducing more people into their lives, helped Jared become a little more comfortable with people. He didn’t talk a lot and would often keep his eyes lowered, his long bangs once again hanging over the side of his face, and when Keri saw this, she challenged him, asking why he hid behind his hair if he didn’t want to try to remove the scars.

“I may not like the scars that are on my face and neck, but I didn’t want to risk making them worse. I can adjust to them since I’ve had them for so long, and anyway, it’s how some people look at me that makes me hide. They don’t see the scars right away, but it’s like they look through me and that’s why I hide,” he explained during a session after he’d let her see that the brand had nearly been fully removed. “People still see a freak and that scares me.”

The first day that Ethan Manning had brought a few people over to view the newly installed studio equipment on the third floor, Jared had gotten edgy and had mainly hidden in the playroom to play with his furry friends.

The musicians and the few other people who were brought in had been nice and friendly to him, but when Jensen had finally come down to ask him to join them upstairs, Jared had still been reluctant.

He didn’t want to intrude on Jensen’s music. He understood that his friend’s music was special to him, and since he didn’t understand any of the equipment, he thought it best if he stayed with the kittens and puppies. Jensen had been pretty insistent, saying that he wanted Jared to hear something, so finally, he’d given in and agreed to go at least to the door.

Jensen had the once open third floor partitioned off; there was one large room that would allow for a piano, a keyboard, a wall for his guitars, and a small drum set while a smaller room off to the side housed all sorts of fancy machines that Jared feared to even go close to.

Another couple of rooms had been furnished a little more comfortably; Jensen pointed out one he could use to practice in and another that featured a pullout sofa bed so that Jared could lie down if he was upstairs with him and got tired.

It made Jared smile when he realized that Jensen had been thinking about him when he designed his home studio; Jared had expected them to spend more time apart once Jensen started recording, but maybe he wouldn’t have to give Jensen as much privacy as he first thought.

Jared sat in the small control room with Ethan. He didn’t mind this since the other man often gave Jared the same sort of feeling that Chris did. He’d been nervous to be so close to so much expensive equipment, but no one gave him any strange looks, as he’d feared they would, or made him feel like he didn’t belong there.

“This’ll be his first single released with my label,” Ethan said, and it made Jared blink when he realized the man was speaking to him directly. “I’ve spent the day going through plenty of songs that Jensen has written over the years, but the ones he’s done these past few months are clearly the ones he’s connecting with. This one in particular seems to be really important to him. He calls it ‘You’re My Heart’.”

“Jen’s awesome when he sings.” Jared wasn’t sure what he might have been expected to say and was feeling the urge to pull his bangs over his eyes when he felt the warm tingle that always told him when Jensen was looking at him.

A day hardly passed without Jared hearing Jensen singing at some point, but this was the first time he would hear him in a semi-professional way or with other people around them. Jared felt his cheeks blush as he watched Jensen play the guitar as he sang the new song that Jared knew he’d been working on for a few weeks.

“Jensen’s always been more comfortable writing slower songs, and I know that he prefers singing ones that he emotionally connects with... even though singing hard rock he was brilliant.” Ethan was more than pleased with what he’d seen and heard so far but what sealed it for him was just watching Jensen’s face as he looked at Jared while he sang a song that was so clearly written for this young man. “He’s even more so when he’s singing to who he loves.”

That made Jared look up quickly and he suddenly began to pay attention to the words of the song; he had tears in his eyes and was blushing red by the time the song ended. He was on his feet and stepped into the room with the newly put-together band, but hesitated for a moment until Jensen handed the guitar to a young woman who sang back up and held out his arms.

“Jen,” he whispered after letting himself be wrapped in strong arms and feeling the soft brush of lips caress his face while fingers carded back through his hair; both were simple gestures but to Jared, they were silent gestures of a love shared.

Jared wanted to say how beautiful the song was and how great Jensen played, but he didn’t know any adequate words to use; he feared that using his basic and simple vocabulary just wouldn’t be good enough, especially with strangers around them.

So to avoid embarrassing Jensen, he merely turned his face into his boyfriend’s neck and whispered into his ear, blushing again, but felt the soft breath that fluttered against his cheek when Jensen laughed.

“Having you think the song is super great means more to me than any other opinion ever.” The singer smiled and relaxed fully, thinking that maybe he could do this again. “It’s all for you now, Jay,” he told Jared softly, no longer paying attention to the people around them as he settled Jared in his arms because that seemed to give both young men peace. “Everything I do now will be for you... for us.”

Jared wasn’t sure what that meant. He was just happy that Jensen was happy, and he did not doubt that this album would be as much of a success as his friend’s earlier ones.

The next few weeks weren’t easy; one afternoon Jensen collapsed face-first on their bed tired and tense from a long day of putting the final touches on the album. He had also held a few meetings with people that he couldn’t avoid, people he couldn’t simply pass off to Ethan, and there had been another confrontation with his father.

“My image, my music, since I started has been hard rock; it might not be easy to sway some fans from that, but... I’m hoping I’ll make new fans because I like this new image, I like this new style, and more importantly, I like me more than I did before.” Jensen’s eyes were half closed as he let himself relax under the gentle hands that were rubbing over his shoulders and down his back to loosen the tight knots found there.

One night after a tough day had left Jensen hardly able to move because of the tension in his back, he felt the first touch of hesitant fingers smoothing over his shoulders. He could only nod when Jared shyly asked for permission to try to massage his neck, shoulders, and back.

Jared had panicked at first, mistaking Jensen’s moans of enjoyment as pain until the singer was finally able to turn his neck enough to smile at him and say it was alright; it was better than alright; please continue because it felt amazing.

Every day and every night seemed to bring something new for Jared. It was on the first anniversary of when they first met that Jared surprised Jensen after they got home from a quiet dinner out with Chris and Sister Rose.

The next day was the official release of Jensen’s new album, and the young singer was on edge because he would be having his first live interview at a radio station in town. He’d been in the shower when he heard the soft tap on the door and smiled; it didn’t matter how long they’d lived together now or how many times they might have showered or taken a bath together; Jared still knocked first.

Jared was always more relaxed in the tub than in the shower, so Jensen was about to ask if he wanted him to run a bath when he was taken totally off-guard by the heated kiss his usually shy boyfriend initiated when he stepped naked into the shower with him.

Before Jensen could recover from the surprised thrill of that, he was fighting for air as he watched Jared slide gracefully to his knees in the tub to look up at him with that shy dimpled smile while taking his suddenly very interested cock into his shaking hand; the boy licked his lips and Jensen suddenly couldn’t breathe.

“I’ve watched you the few times you sucked me,” Jared began quietly, water from the shower heat beating down to glisten on his tanned skin. He was struggling not to lose the courage he’d been working to keep all evening. “I’ve been thinking of this, of touching your cock with my mouth all night, Jen... and that was hard with Sister Rose sitting right across from us.” He blushed bright red at that memory but kept his courage even with the soft moan he heard as he carefully closed his hand over the hardening cock, focusing on the first drop of pre-come on the slit.

“I hated to have anything in my mouth. I have since I was first taken and made to suckle her,” he murmured but smiled at the feel of fingers rubbing over his scalp. He could tell Jensen was torn between stopping him and letting him try... and that gave Jared the courage he needed. “You’ve shown me how to make love in so many ways, Jen. You showed me that I didn’t have to be ashamed and that it wouldn’t hurt. You’ve been patient and understanding... even on nights when we couldn’t finish because a flashback came on too strong... you’re so amazing that you stopped even before I could ask you to. I love you so much, Jensen. Tonight let me give you something back. Let me do this?”

Since Jared began to learn to do things for himself since he began to have more courage and self-confidence in both their everyday lives and the bedroom, Jensen tried to follow the therapist’s advice and let him try these new things, but he always worried, always wondered if Jared was trying something too soon.

Jared’s sudden courage and offer to blow him in the shower was one of those things. While Jensen ached for it, literally, he also worried since he did know that this was one of the few acts Jared had shied away from along with topping.

Carding his fingers through Jared’s hair, letting his fingers gently massage his scalp, Jensen swallowed and nodded but caught Jared’s chin quickly to meet his eyes. “If you can’t, or if you get scared, I want you to stop and we’ll make love on the bed.”

“I thought we’d do that anyway.” Jared smiled his best sexy smile and wiggled his eyebrows before he took just the head of Jensen’s cock into his mouth and began to slowly suckle it.

Jared knew he couldn’t take the whole length into his mouth yet, and he knew better than to push himself to try.

He’d been forced to deep throat too many times, resulting in his ongoing fear and inability to perform this act. As he allowed Jensen’s cock to slide in just a little deeper, however, he found himself shivering with delight as his boyfriend began to pant and moan. His confidence grew, letting his tongue lick over the head before beginning to give attention to the sensitive nerve on the underside.

“Jay... oh my God!” Jensen was having difficulty staying on his feet as his head swam with pleasure. He had had other blowjobs in his life, but never one as hot as this one. He wasn’t sure if it was Jared’s skill, just the fact it was Jared doing it or watching Jared clearly enjoy something he had been so afraid of not long ago, and he decided he didn’t really care. He just leaned against the back of the shower and fought to keep still, to allow Jared to do what he could, but just watching the young man’s cheeks hollow as he began to suck deeper over the head while his hand stroked and moved over the rest of the aching cock, Jensen gave up keeping the moans and muttered words of pleasure and encouragement inside. “So good, baby. You’re doing so damn good.”

Jensen’s fingers weren’t steady as they combed through Jared’s wet hair. Later, as they lay in bed wrapped around each other, he told Jared quite honestly that he’d never come so hard from being sucked off as he had under him. He wouldn’t forget the shy but happy smile that compliment earned him.

The album was released to an unexpectedly high demand, and Jensen gave interviews to radio stations and printed media sources, but avoided any live camera events. He couldn’t seem to bring himself to perform on a stage in front of a live audience. His recording studio seemed so much more secure.

True to his word, Ethan Manning hadn’t pushed Jensen to perform live. It had actually been Chris who offered to close the bar down if Jensen wanted to promote his album with a private performance for invited guests only, and while Jensen had been hesitant, it had actually been Jared who encouraged him. That was how Jensen found himself where he was now, straddling Jared’s lap in the dressing room in the back of Kane’s as he prepared to do his first live performance in over 18 months.

Of course, Jared hadn’t counted on so many people being packed into the bar or things being so loud so while he was determined to support Jensen, he was also tense and nervous himself. He’d been pacing nervously, trying to work up the courage to go out and sit at the main table with his family, Sister Rose, Dr. Keri, and Ethan. It just felt so safe back in the quiet dressing room.

Comforting Jared had taken Jensen’s mind off of his own nerves; he pushed his boyfriend down into a chair and climbed onto his lap to wrap his arms around his neck. Their lips found one another, slowly at first, but then tongues began to play and Jared’s hair was soon tangled in Jensen’s fingers. And that was when Chris had walked in.

“I’m not explaining to his mother why the kid’s hair looks like he’s had someone’s fingers running through it. And I’m sure as hell not explaining why he looks like he was kissed to within an inch of his life.” Chris shook his head dryly as he looked at the pair. “Of course, I also don’t think I want to know who the hell taught him to kiss like you guys do either.”

“You might want to thank Seth and his fine collection of porn for some of what Jay knows,” Jensen replied as Jared snickered, but the adorable blush that they couldn’t rid him of lessened some of the debauched look on his face right then. “You can do that after I kick his ass for watching porn without knowing Jared was around the first time, and then for showing him how to find it on the computer at home.” Jensen shook his head in frustration. “Guess what Jay’s been doing when he gets bored while I’ve been busy recording?”

Chris stared hard at that and then he let out a low growl that promised swift retribution to his former teammate. “I’ll deal with him later but right now, you’re about to go on. You cool or do you need more time?”

Jensen had done thousands of concerts in huge arenas, but this small performance had him feeling like he did the first time he’d stepped out on a stage at the tender age of 19. He let out a low groan as he slid reluctantly off of Jared to stand and stare at himself in the mirror.

His hair, while still short, wasn’t as short as it had been last year; he’d let it grow out a bit because he enjoyed feeling Jared’s fingers running through it or grabbing it in bed. It was also back to its natural dark blond color which made him happy.

He knew the majority of the crowd wouldn’t notice his finger-strewn hair or pay attention to his flushed cheeks or slightly swollen lips... and prayed those that did notice and would probably figure out the reasons didn’t kill him until after the show.

“You’ll do great, Jen,” Jared whispered in his ear while wrapping his arms around his boyfriend to give a reassuring hug, kissing his neck as their eyes met in the mirror and he smiled. “You taught me to be brave, so you’ll be brave out there.”

“I love you, Jay.” Jensen turned to kiss Jared one more time, ignoring Chris who was muttering about broken limbs and how he’d have to have Doug guard Jensen from Jared’s brothers if he didn’t knock off the kissing and get his ass on stage. “You’ll watch out for him?” he asked.

Even knowing they were in a controlled environment and that there was nothing to worry about, Jensen was still concerned about leaving Jared alone in a crowd of people. He knew his worries were unreasonable; after all, Jay would be with Chris, Sister Rose, his family, and other people who cared about him, but Jensen wasn’t always reasonable when it came to worrying about his boyfriend.

“He’ll be sitting front and center so you can see him while you sing, and if he moves, I’ll follow him. And if for some reason, I don’t see him, there are at least half a dozen other guys in that audience who will be watching out for the kid,” Chris assured him, choosing to ignore Jared’s eyeroll. He knew it would make them both feel a little more relaxed to know there were people in the crowd keeping an eye on Jared. “It’s all good, Jensen.”

“I know,” Jensen whispered, blowing out a slow breath before reaching for his guitar. “Let’s do this... and hey.” He paused to catch Jared’s elbow and gently ran a finger over his cheek. “Everything I sing tonight... I’m singing it straight to you, baby boy.”

As Jared smiled shyly, the bar owner groaned about needing a dentist for all the sickeningly sweet crap he was putting up with.

Chris personally escorted Jared out to the table that had been set up close to the stage where very special guests had been seated. He didn’t miss the narrowed-eyed look that Steve Padalecki gave his younger brother or the shared eyeroll that he and their other siblings shared over Jared’s obviously hastily fixed appearance.

“My grandson needs to learn to keep his hands off of Jared at times like this.” Sarah Ackles smiled fondly as Kathy reached around to smooth an unruly piece of Jared’s hair down while chuckling at the array of light marks that could be seen along his neck. “Hmmm. Perhaps it’s not only his hands he needs to watch.”

“I’m going to break his face one of these times,” Steve muttered sourly. He still hadn’t adjusted to how open Jared was in his affection with Jensen while he still shied away from almost all other contact... even with his family.

A weekend trip to Texas introduced Jensen to the rest of the Padalecki family, and while Jed shared Steve’s good-natured dislike at seeing their little brother cuddled against Jensen’s side or the kisses they tried to sneak, it was obvious the singer loved and adored Jared so that won Erin over immediately.

Kathy welcomed Jensen into the family the moment she opened the front door to pull the surprised man into a huge hug, and then she shot them both a look as she told Jared that his nine little friends would come if he called them. She added that they’d quickly been able to take over the ranch, playing with both the dogs and the calves.

Of course, Steve had made damn sure to not let Jared take Jensen anywhere close to the barn without someone with them since he didn’t plan on repeating the heart attack he and his then-boyfriend had given their parents. He tried hard to not think about what went on at night after he learned that their mother was actually letting the pair share a bedroom.

Now, as he watched Jared practically vibrating in his seat while waiting for Jensen to take the stage, he smiled and caught his father’s nod that said he’d also noticed the subtle changes in Jared since he’d stayed with the family that month.

The crowd of people inside the bar, fans who’d been able to get the hard-to-come-by tickets to the small show, as well as special guests invited by either Ethan Manning or Jensen, all clapped as the lights dimmed and Jensen stepped onto the stage.

The nerves were there, but they slowly settled as he pulled a stool over to sit in the center of the stage. Jensen hadn’t wanted the new band with him because he wanted to keep this a small, almost intimate, setting so it was just him and his acoustic guitar.

His eyes were still sensitive to stage lights, but Chris had adjusted them so that they didn’t shine directly on Jensen and were only bright enough so that he could be seen. Even though the lights in the bar were dimmed, he could still see the audience, though his focus pretty much stayed on Jared’s smiling face for the entire 90 minutes he performed.

Jensen hadn’t made a set schedule for how long he’d sing or what songs he’d choose. He wanted this to be more relaxed, so he went with what his heart told him to do which is why he began to talk to the crowd after he had performed 3 songs. It felt weird to speak to his audience; he hadn’t really done that before because it was hard with large packed crowds, but he relaxed after a couple of seconds and just went with it.

He thanked them for coming, for sticking with him through all his recent changes, and for still being there as he came out the other end of what had been a very dark tunnel. He knew Nina Stein’s people and his old label had given the excuses for his behavior, but he took this time to give his own explanation and then took a huge chance.

“As you all know, my recent album is from a new label and a total change from my old image. It’s a great change and I hope my fans are enjoying this musical style. The first single and the name of the CD, ‘You’re My Heart,’ means a lot to me for a lot of reasons... and I’m sure most of you can guess what the biggest one of those would be.” Jensen tuned the guitar before lifting his eyes to meet Jared’s with a slow smile. “When I got the courage to make the changes in my life, when I found the courage to come out so to speak, it was because I met someone who taught me that to be true to the man I wanted to be for him, I had to be that better man for myself first.

“I said it on national TV once, and I’ll say it now in front of my fans, in front of our friends and family, that you are my breath, Jared Padalecki. You are the reason I wake up each morning and my reason for living each day now. You’re my heart, Jay, so this song, like so many others, is for you.” He knew he’d just finished shedding his hard rocker image with that sappy comment, but the dimpled smile and shining eyes he watched as Jared’s mouth the words ‘I love you too’ made it worth it.

By the time Jensen finished that song and the final song of the set, the one he’d written for Jared months earlier and had sung that final day on the pier in San Diego, there wasn’t a dry eye in the bar even though some hard-bitten former Navy SEALs would swear it was just the low light that was making them wipe their eyes.

“Alright, so I suppose this means we can’t accidentally let a bull run him over the next time he pays a visit?” Steve grumbled and winced at the slap to his head from his mother. “Kinda hard to hate the guy when he pretty much brings a bar to tears singing to Jared.”

Jared ignored his brother as he waited for as long as he could before shooting to his feet when he noticed that Jensen wasn’t going backstage, but had jumped from the front of the stage. The singer threw a wink and jerked his head to the bar, obviously signaling that Jared should head that way.

He’d been about to turn when movement from the corner of his eye had him looking back. He froze at the sight of a man stepping from the throng of fans to shove a hand into Jensen’s chest hard enough that the singer stumbled back onto the stage.

“Jen,” he whispered, going to take a step, but a hand caught his shoulder and held him in place. He was about to panic until he recognized Chris’s low voice.

“How in the goddamn hell did that backstabbing asshole get in here? Someone is getting fired over this, but right now I’m going to go finally rip that little bastard’s spleen out with my bare hands.” The ex-bodyguard’s eyes had zeroed in on the scene from behind the bar and he had been across the room a split second later while giving hand signals to certain people. “You stay here with your... Jared? Jared, damn it, stay here and let me... shit!”

Jensen was emotionally exhausted but feeling excited as well. He didn’t care about going backstage to change right then. All he wanted was to get Jared in his arms, sit for a few minutes, have a drink or two, and see what the rest of the night brought. He’d just motioned to the bar so Jared would know to meet him there rather than join their families when an unexpected hand shoved against his chest to push him back to the stage.

“What the…” Jensen was preparing to push back up and punch somebody when he felt his blood turn to ice when he heard the smooth deep voice over the murmur of the crowd.

“Well, this is a fine spectacle you’ve made of yourself. No wonder Margo always said you needed to be kept on someone’s leash. Hello, Jensen. Miss me, sweetheart?”

The surge of anger that had been building dropped to momentary disbelief, then shock, and finally, fury that Addison Wellman actually had the guts to find a way to sneak into what was a very private event and then get in his face like he was a disgraced lover disappointed in something Jensen had done on stage... much like he had before.

“Get the hell away from me and get out of this bar because you sure as hell weren’t invited, Addison,” Jensen growled, a little surprised that even after all this time the sight of the man’s perfectly styled white-blond hair, manicured hands, and cool blue eyes could make his skin crawl and his gut clench. “How’d you even get in? You’d be in the top five assholes Chris would think to ban.”

Addison’s already thin lips went even thinner at the mention of Chris Kane, the guy he still thought of as dirt on his Italian shoes. “If you flash enough money in the peasants’ faces, you can get whatever you want, sweetheart,” he sneered as he took Jensen in with a disgusted smirk. “All the time, energy, and money Margo put into you... just tossed away. Look at you.” He waved his hand and let his fingers deliberately brush over Jensen’s t-shirt that was clinging to his chest. “Looks like I arrived just in time to stop you from making an even bigger mess.”

“What?” Jensen hated to be boxed in, but his shock at seeing his former lover had frozen him in place. The man stepped even closer and Jensen began to worry about the scene this would cause when Chris ripped the guy’s throat out. “Get away from me, Addison. I told you the last time that we were done, and that was years ago, so what made you crawl outta the woodwork now?”

Taking in the hate on Jensen’s face, Addison pursed his lips while tossing a quick look over his shoulder, satisfied to see that the crowd had harmlessly filled in around them, unknowingly blocking them from Chris and buying him the time to fix what he saw as a simple mistake. “Margo called me from jail. Said you’d gone over the edge and needed someone to remind you of who you were and what you were before you took this new plan of yours of being publically gay to the extreme. You’re going to let me handle…”

“You are going to get the hell away from me before I do what I should’ve done years ago and file charges on your pompous ass!” Jensen snapped, furious that even now the woman thought she could control him. He went to push away from the man only to hiss as firm fingers grabbed his wrist, jerked it down, and twisted it painfully behind him. “Addison... you don’t want to do this. I’m not letting you back into my life. I don’t want you near me. I…”

“Jensen, you’re still too naïve and blind to know how to control your own life... especially if you think you can make a new career singing these stupid love songs all because you fell in love with some trash from the street, and ugh!” Addison was sneering, thinking he had Jensen back under his control when he trapped his one arm, but then grunted in disbelief when pain exploded in his face.

“Shut your damn mouth and never call Jared anything!” Jensen’s rage took hold. He felt the grip on his wrist tighten and felt a familiar spurt of fear as he recognized the look that crossed the other’s face, but he would not let him intimidate him like he had once. “You and that bitch used me, took advantage of a trust that I did give out too easily. You two nearly cost me the ability to love and trust and let me tell you... Jared is more of a man than you ever were or ever will be.”

It took Addison a second to realize he’d been struck by Jensen’s free hand, and then he was snarling, drawing his hand back to slap the punk ass singer who’d dared to not only spurn him once but was trying to do it again. Addison was determined to ride this new success Jensen had all the way to the top again.

“You and I are going to go backstage to discuss this in private,” he gritted, voice dropping to the low furious one he’d only let Jensen see in the final moments of their previous ‘relationship’. “You need a reminder of who is in control... unless you’d rather all your loving fans see a few images taken that Margo passed on to me that... what?”

Addison was about to tug Jensen toward him when he suddenly found himself jerked away from the singer, punched in the stomach, and practically thrown a good foot across the bar’s floor.

“You don’t touch him!” Jared hollered; he was furious. He was madder than he’d even been when Steve had insulted Jensen. He’d seen Jensen shoved, and he’d broken away from Chris. On his way across the short distance between them, some of the crowd of people had begun to spread out so he had to move among them, shouldering people aside, but not once did he feel afraid of them or of being touched. No, Jared was too pissed to be scared. He got more pissed off when he saw the man in the suit grab Jensen’s wrist and saw the pain cross his boyfriend’s face.

The moment he got close enough, Jared didn’t bother to think about anything but Jensen being hurt and the brief flash of fear in his eyes at something the man had said. Jared’s reaction was pure and instinctive; he wanted to protect like he’d been protected. He also wanted to make this man bleed for ever hurting Jensen.

“You’re not supposed to be here!” Jared shouted, glaring at the man on the floor. “Jensen doesn’t want you here! He doesn’t need you! He never needed you! And you hurt him ‘cause he wouldn’t give you what you wanted!” Jared had put himself in between his boyfriend and the gaping man who was pulling himself to his feet. “If you try to touch Jensen again or make him do something I’ll…”

Spitting blood and staring up at the tall, enraged young man Addison shot a look to see Jensen’s lips curving in a slow smile as if he was both amazed and proud. The fact that this tall gangly-looking boy thought he could put his hands on someone who was so clearly his superior infuriated Addison.

“You think this... this person is good enough to ruin yourself with? Look at him! He’s plainly not in our circles.” He glared into Jared’s face, making a fist as if going to strike the fool. “I know what you are. What you were. Jensen’s foolish, but not stupid. He’ll grow bored when you can’t compete in the social world he’s used to and he’ll…”

Jared froze at those words, eyes starting to lower in defeat, when he felt a warm hand slip up his back and felt the familiar warmth when Jensen leaned into him. “No, he won’t,” he returned and met the ice-cold blue eyes fully and without blinking. “You don’t know me. You don’t know Jensen. You’re an evil, selfish bully who just wants to use and hurt him. I might not know everything he does or use big words yet; I might not be able to make him proud out in public right away... but one day I will. One day I’ll finish school and be able to say in public why I was able to do it... like Jen just did for me and he’ll smile because he’s happy.

“ I make him happy. Our kittens and puppies make him happy and you... you... don’t. You’re going to leave and not come close to him again.” Jared’s heart was pounding in anger, and a little bit of fear, as he recognized the fury glaring at him. Any other time he’d be hiding behind Jensen or locked in a closet to avoid being hit, but this time he was standing up for his boyfriend and would take the blow that came. “I won’t let you hurt him like you did before.”

Addison could have laughed. He took in the shaking young man but didn’t pay attention to the protective stance or the anger in his tone; all he saw was the trembling body, the shaggy dark hair that covered his face, and the worn-out jeans and t-shirt. All he saw was someone inferior.

“You won’t do anything to me, freak,” he laughed, taking a step forward and smirking confidently when Jared took a matching step back. He caught Jensen tensing as if to move in front of the interfering punk, and he saw Jared flinch, but he missed the small smirk that suddenly graced the kid’s mouth. “You think I won’t knock you on your ass and then drag him outta here? You think I’m not gonna take what he should’ve given me years ago?” he sneered. “You think you’ve got the balls to land another punch on me? Try it and we’ll see how you like being in a cell for assaulting me.”

“I don’t have to hit you to keep you from touching Jen again... and it won’t be me in a cell for being bad.” Jared’s eyes slid over to look at something behind the man’s left shoulder. “Hi, Chris. I stopped him from hurting Jensen.”

“Uh-huh. Remind me to congratulate you on that after I deal with this piece of shit.” Chris’s hand landed hard and heavy on Addison’s shoulder as he stepped up close to jerk the man back. “Remember me, asshole?” he asked, voice a low lethal growl. “Remember what I said I’d do if I ever saw you close to Jensen again?”

Addison knew the voice and the name and hated both. “This is none of your... ugh…” He doubled up when a hard fist landed in his gut, and only a fist in the collar of his expensive jacket kept him on his feet.

“My bar, asshole. My bar, my rules, and about half a dozen former Navy SEALs all with FBI badges who could make you disappear if I say the word.” Chris yanked the man up and into his face. “You’re trespassing and on the list of those not to be let in, so I could call the cops and have them haul your ass to jail. But instead, I’m tossing you to these guys, and they’re going to make sure you’re outta my bar before I count to ten ‘cause if I see you at the count of eleven... I do what I said I would seven years ago and I rip your goddamn spleen out through your nose.”

Addison seemed about to argue when he was shoved into the waiting grip of Doug and Seth who made it clear that he’d better leave or face Chris’s wrath. “You won’t always be around, Kane!” he snapped as he was dragged away still hurling insults and threats. “You’ll see! One day I’ll have what he should’ve given me! You’ll…”

“I seriously need to make him vanish,” Chris muttered, glad that someone had turned on the music system to play Jensen’s music serving to distract the oblivious crowd. He turned to urge Jensen to go into his office or backstage but sighed when he noticed the two men were already gone and the door to his private office closed. He decided he’d better go distract the Padalecki men and a certain nun. “I was better off getting shot at by terrorists than dealing with those two.”

The second that he saw that Chris was there to control the Addison situation, which really was more a mild nuisance than an actual threat, Jensen was tugging Jared through the still unsuspecting crowd and toward the privacy of his friend’s office. He knew one, if not both, of them would probably fall apart soon and, he wanted them to be alone.

Jared didn’t object to the sudden movement, but he did start to worry that perhaps Jensen was upset with him for getting involved. As soon as he was pushed gently into what he knew was the bar’s office, he started to offer a quick mumbling apology only to gasp as his back was pushed against the quickly shut and locked door to allow Jensen’s mouth to claim his in a hot possessive kiss that slowly gentled even as Jared’s brain was trying to catch up.

“I’ll tell you how hot it was to see you stand up for me later, at home, when I can take my time to properly thank you, but for the moment... this will have to do.” Jensen’s lips were soft as he licked over and into Jared’s mouth, one hand curling around the back of his head to move through soft dark strands while his other held his face gently as their eyes met. “I’m so proud of you for that, Jay. I’m proud of you now, I love you now, and I will still love you and be proud of you even 40 years from now.”

Relaxing now that he knew he wasn’t in trouble, Jared slipped his arms around Jensen to hold him and wondered when he’d started to shake as he relived the entire brief contact. “He hurt you.” He was scared now that it was over, but then he caught sight of the bruises on Jensen’s. “Jen... why did he…”

“I should’ve suspected that Addison would come slinking back if he thought he could scare me, or if Margo still thought she could threaten me with those damn pictures.” Jensen suspected it would be some time before he was completely free of his own past, but he was stronger now than he had been back then, and this time he had something... someone... to fight for.

He let Jared lead him to the sofa in the office and let out a breath as he sat down. He closed his eyes and smiled as he felt warm lips smooth over his wrist where he knew the evidence of Addison’s visit would really be showing tomorrow.

“I’m sorry if him showing up ruined tonight for you, Jen.” Jared kissed each bruise gently while shivering as he felt the tug that told him what his boyfriend really wanted and giggled in between kisses. “If we don’t show up at the table soon, Sister Rose will come looking before Chris or even my Momma will,” he warned, lifting his eyes to see the hunger shining in those deep green eyes. “I loved what you sang tonight.” He brushed his lips over Jensen’s neck this time before settling on his lips. “I love what you said but... you were already brave long before you met me.”

“Not in the way I needed to be, Jay,” Jensen groaned into the kiss, longing to pull Jared over and touch skin to skin, but he figured Chris had a key to the office and would soon come looking for them. “Standing up to bullies and gangs was easy for me since a side of me has always been the cocky teenager looking for fights, but having the courage to admit who I really was, and having a reason to change my life... I wasn’t brave enough to do that until you came along to give me a reason to.”

“So... we taught each other?” Jared thought he liked that. “Just like I can maybe protect you sometimes too?” He knew he wasn’t brave enough to do what Chris could for Jensen, but he liked the thought that he could stand up for them if he had cause.

Jensen shifted, pushing Jared back on the sofa and straddling his lap again with a smile. He leaned forward to begin to kiss the other side of Jared’s neck; he liked seeing the evidence of his kisses there and knew as Jared laughed that he did as well.

“Yeah, baby boy. Just like that.” He closed his eyes against the hollow of Jared’s throat as he thought of the shy, scared boy Jared had been a little over a year ago, now the braver, more outgoing young man who was arching up under his teasing touch. “Love you, Jay,” he whispered huskily.

“I love you too, Jen,” Jared told him with a gasp as a tongue licked up his neck and his hands went to Jensen’s waist to pull him tighter.

“Goddamn it, Jensen!” Chris had known he didn’t want to unlock his office door, but it was that or get hit by a hard cane if he didn’t produce the star of the show and his boyfriend. “Play nice with the guests for a couple of hours, and then I’ll have Seth drive you guys home so you can make out in the backseat without worrying me that you’ll wreck or something... or get arrested for having sex in a parked car.”

Muttering several dark thoughts about his former bodyguard and making Jared laugh even as he blushed at the thought of sex in Jensen’s new car, the singer reluctantly stood up and tossed a scowl over his shoulder. “Remind me to fire you from whatever position you think you have, Kane,” he muttered as he held out a hand to Jared while lifting a suggestive eyebrow. “We have to go make an appearance, but then I want to take you home and make love to you... slowly... to show you exactly what you do to me.”

Jared was still blushing at the whispered words as they stepped back onto the main floor of the club. As Jensen shook hands with a few people, Jared planned to go sit back at the table and wait for him. But he felt his boyfriend’s fingers pulling him close, keeping him close to his side, as he introduced Jared as his boyfriend and the inspiration for his new music.

Crowds still bothered Jared, especially large ones in enclosed spaces, and Jensen seemed to sense when Jared was reaching the end of his tolerance and made polite excuses to break away. They sat at the main table to eat the little snacks and share drinks though Jared noticed Jensen only drank water even though he was offered alcohol several times.

As Jensen saw his grandmother off, Jared felt a gentle hand on his arm and smiled as he turned to look down into Sister Rose’s face. “Hi,” he greeted her shyly.

“The other sisters and the children wanted me to tell you that they hope you and Jensen will visit soon.” She reached up out of habit to brush his hair out of his face and was so pleased to see him smile more and not flinch at the touch as he would have once. “You have grown so much in such a short amount of time, Jared. Father Thomas would be as thrilled and proud of you as I am,” she told him, pleased that while Jared had stopped being so afraid of everything, he still maintained a good deal of his innocence despite the horrors he’d survived. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

Looking over to see Jensen watching but staying back as if giving him time and space with the nun who meant so much to both of them. “I am happy, Sister Rose. Jensen makes me happy.” He smiled and then blushed. “He’s taught me so much... stuff that I never thought I could learn. He’s given me so much even though I can’t really give him anything back.”

“Jensen doesn’t want you to give him anything but your happiness.” The nun decided to remind Jensen to watch himself or else she’d be cracking his knuckles again.

“Well, his kisses are good too,” Jensen added as he stepped up to slip an arm around Jared’s waist and took the amused eyeroll Sister Rose gave him as it was intended. “Since I’m living in the city now, that means we’ll be around the shelter more and... I can do repairs as I see fit,” he added with a smirk, wincing when his shin was hit with a cane. “Hey!”

“You watch your sass or I’ll make you sing at the church one Sunday for Mass.” She gave them both kisses before one of Chris’s friends took her back to St. Lucy’s, pausing to pull Jensen closer to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for coming home and saving him.”

Lifting his eyes, he smiled to see Jared bouncing on the balls of his feet, trying not to show too much impatience with the fact that his family was still there and not leaving as most of the other special guests were doing. “He saved me, Rose,” he corrected quietly, hugging the nun tightly. “I only taught him to trust that he could live and be happy.”

“He trusted you even before you taught him that, Jensen,” she replied, watching her two favorite boys for a final second before tapping the big black ex-SEAL with her cane to remind him not to drive like a crazy man again.

After leaving the club and Jared’s family with a promise to have lunch the following day, Jensen took full advantage of Seth driving them home. He teased and tormented Jared with light kisses while his fingers roamed freely until Jared was begging for more contact, but Seth swore to kick them both out of the car if any articles of clothing actually came off before they were in the house.

Of course, the second they got into the house, they had to deal with letting the puppies outside before bed, corralling the kittens into the playroom, and making sure all animals had enough food and water for the night.

Jensen had sent Jared upstairs to lie down while he took care of the pets, which he swore took forever as he and Zoe exchanged looks. The kitten appeared to be the ring leader of the whole crew despite being the tiniest one, and she seemed to know when Jensen wanted alone time with Jared and thus caused all kinds of mayhem.

Muttering about troublemaking little curtain climbers, Jensen was pulling his t-shirt over his head as he stepped into the bedroom, trying to be quiet in case Jared had fallen asleep. He’d caught the boy yawning despite his protests that he wasn’t really tired.

Since he knew they were both tired, and the stress of the days leading up to tonight had taken a toll on both of them, Jensen considered just cuddling with Jared tonight. He really did want to hold him after the emotionally charged songs and the drama with Addison’s visit. However, the moment he stepped into the bedroom, all of Jensen’s good intentions went out the window and his body went into overdrive. “Fuck.” He let the word slip before he thought about it because this was not something he ever expected to see. “Been watching porn with that soon-to-be dead ex-SEAL again, babe?”

“Found it on my own this time actually,” Jared replied, hoping he wasn’t blushing as much as he had been when he started this.

Jared had listened to Jensen’s words... that he could touch himself without feeling bad or guilty, but he honestly hadn’t felt the need since his boyfriend was always there to help him out in that area. When he got to the bedroom that night and began to undress, an idea came to mind that he’d seen on one of those movies on the laptop that Jensen growled at Seth over.

He was awkward and unsure but by the time Jensen got upstairs, Jared was fairly certain he’d done a good enough job since he was able to insert three fingers into his hole; the hole that was already clenching at the thought of Jensen’s cock sliding in like he’d wanted it to since that morning.

“Damn, this is... Jay, you are so hot like this.” Jensen’s eyes were already dark with lust as he shed his jeans and started to kneel on the bed. Then he grunted in surprise as Jared tugged him with a strength the younger man was only now getting comfortable with using. “Jay?” He lifted his eyes and groaned low in his throat as he watched Jared, naked and slick with a fine sheen of sweat glistening on his body. He had always been naturally toned, but his muscles had become even more developed since they’d been exercising with the dogs.

It took a couple of seconds for Jensen’s brain to connect the dots, and then he wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t explode in seconds if he let Jared do this. “Are you sure you... mhmmm God, I never should’ve taught you to kiss like that. My brain melts when you do,” he whispered, drawing Jared’s bottom lip in with his teeth, but he kept his eyes on his boyfriend’s nervous face as Jared slowly moved to straddle him.

Jensen had never pushed or brought up the subject of Jared topping, even riding him, since their first night. He knew that when the younger man felt comfortable with himself and his memories, he would bring it up if he wanted to try it. It looked like tonight was the night. Jared had found that courage and all Jensen could do was pray he had the strength not to come the second his boyfriend slid down on him.

“I’ve watched plenty of those videos, and I’ve watched you and... I wanna try, Jen.” Jared’s fingers were stroking the already hard cock that he wanted to feel claim him, but this time he wanted to watch Jensen’s face. “Can... can I?”

“Do what you want, Jay,” Jensen leaned up to draw Jared’s head down into a slow deep kiss before laying back and lacing his fingers behind his hand to smile. “Next time you wanna do this tell me in advance, and we’ll buy you a cowboy hat.” He winked then laughed at the blush as that dawned on Jared.

“Well, Jed says I’m a cowboy by blood since we’ve been ranching in Texas for three generations, so I guess this applies... but we might not wanna tell Steve.” Jared relaxed at Jensen’s snort of agreement and then he took a shaky breath while easing the head of the cock that he remembered to lube generously into his stretched and slick opening. He gasped at the odd feel of putting it in this way. “Jensen?”

Longing to help, to flip them over so Jared wouldn’t run the risk of bad memories, Jensen held himself as still as possible given that his body burned to thrust up at the first feel of Jared’s body sliding achingly slow down his shaft. “Shh, take it easy, Jay. Just let your body adjust to this naturally, and if you want to do this again, I’ll show you how to stretch yourself even more... but you’re doing so good, babe. God, you feel so amazing.”

It was still tight, the burn a little different than when Jensen did it himself, but after a couple of moments, Jared gasped as the burn turned to pleasure. He wanted to just let himself slide down quickly to get it over with, but he knew it would hurt. He figured that was also why Jensen’s hands had settled on his hips, to urge him to go slowly.

The times before when he’d been forced to ride someone, there’d been no prep, no slowness, and no pleasure, but Jared knew now that he could find enjoyment in sex. He wanted to share all of that with Jensen and soon, much quicker than he expected really, he felt himself come flush, and he lifted up to come back down with a gasp as he realized that in this position, every move he made brought the cock that was enclosed in his tight heat right up against his prostate.

“Move when you’re ready, Jay.” Jensen’s voice sounded raw from just making himself lie still to watch the amazement crossing Jared’s open face with every move and every burst of feeling that was given as the head of his cock brushed that spot; soon back was panting with need and lust. “Jay, ride me.”

Dimples out in full force, Jared’s eyes opened to watch Jensen’s face as he began to rock, slowly at first and then faster, until he was soon lost in the rush of pleasure and need filling his body. He could feel the ache in his cock where it lay brushing Jensen’s stomach, coating it with the pre-come that was leaking steadily from the slit.

“So beautiful, Jared,” Jensen told him, biting his lip and finally thrusting up slowly. He smiled at the low growl he got in return and loved sharing this with Jared. “You’re beautiful all the time but... damn, watching you like this, watching your body move with every thrust... I... shit, babe... I’m not gonna last.”

“Wanna feel you come inside me like this, Jen,” Jared whimpered as he laid his palms flat over Jensen’s chest to give himself support. His hips rolled and he nodded blindly at the feel of strong fingers closing over his swollen length to stroke and twist in the way Jensen had learned he liked. “Wanna come like this. Can... can I come, Jen?”

Jared still looked for permission sometimes. Jensen didn’t like it, but he knew it would take him more time to completely get over all the things he’d been wrongly made to believe. He nodded, pushing up to wrap his fingers around Jared’s back, pulling him down into a hard kiss as he felt his balls tighten and knew his orgasm was close.

Jensen kept the kiss heated as a distraction, and when he felt his climax hit just as he swallowed Jared’s own scream of release in his mouth, Jensen worked to move his hips up as Jared’s body was struggling to keep the steady rhythm he’d maintained as he came hard and hot over Jensen’s hand.

“That’s it, Jay. So good, baby. Just ride it out,” Jensen murmured, voice gravelly and throaty with raw emotion as his fingers kept moving along the softening cock until he felt the last shudders of Jared’s orgasm leave him. He then moved to quickly reach up and grab his boyfriend when he saw his eyes roll back from the unexpected force, lowering him down and shifting to his side to ease carefully out. He reached for the t-shirt he’d tossed aside earlier and used it to wipe his chest and stomach clean so he could hold Jared’s trembling body close to him.

By the time Jared’s lashes were fluttering, Jensen had cleaned them both up and slipped them both into sweatpants to sleep in. Jared found he’d been tucked under the comforter and into Jensen’s arms with his head resting over his boyfriend’s heart; the way he almost always slept after they made love.

“Hmmm, that was good,” Jared mumbled, half asleep but happy and sated; he lifted his lashes to smile up into Jensen’s relaxed face. “Was it... did I... I mean... was it good?” His cheeks turned pink, but he smiled at the kiss that was pressed against his head.

“You did perfect, and it was amazing, Jay,” Jensen assured him, fingers smoothing down his bare arm to reach to take Jared’s hand in his; he laced their fingers together as he brought them to his lips. “You’re amazing, and I love you so much.”

Jared was sleepy and could feel that Jensen was relaxed enough to sleep too. It sometimes amazed him how far he’d come. Less than two years ago, he’d still been so scared to speak and certainly couldn’t imagine that he’d ever make love with his boyfriend... or even have a boyfriend.

“Thank you for teaching me so much,” he whispered, pressing light kisses over Jensen’s chest while sighing at the feel of fingers carding through his hair as he began to drift off. “Will it always be like this?”

“It won’t always be easy, and you’ll still get scared and unsure at times, but you’ll always have me and I’ll make sure to be there when you need me and to give you what I can.” Jensen kissed his hair again. “We taught each other to trust and love, Jared. If we can do that then there’s nothing we can’t do... nothing you can’t do.”

“Can I get a tutor to help me catch up? Maybe I can go to school and get a diploma?” Jared dreamed of being able to say he graduated high school, even with a GED as Erin called it. “I want to be smart, Jen.”

They’d talked about that before, and Jensen had said when Jared was ready, they’d find a private tutor to help catch him up with what he needed to know. He smiled with love as he looked into deep gold-flecked hazel eyes to see the longing for something as simple as school.

“You’re already smart, Jay, but yeah, we’ll find you a tutor,” he promised as they shared a kiss before sleep began to come. “Tomorrow we have lunch with your family; I can’t wait to tease the hell outta your brothers, play with the furry kids, and you can explain to them why I found one of the puppies halfway up the curtains tonight.”

Jared smiled, happy and safe, as he fell asleep in the arms of the man he would always know saved his life by just coming home, and he let himself dream happy dreams of what was in store for both of them.

The End