Chapter Text
There was a big subject running around Bilbo’s at the moment, and it had been doing so for a few days, now. It was the fact that he was going to experience his first official “meet the family” dinner. The family in question being Dwalin’s peculiar older brother. Not to mention that Dwalin had tried to get them out of it by using Frodo as an excuse (something that Bilbo didn’t truly mind, for the man seemed incredibly hesitant on having him experience Balin anymore than was strictly necessary), and said brother simply told him to just “bring the lad along if you can’t find a babysitter!”
So far, Bilbo was rather terrified. Sure, Balin seemed like a generally nice man, but he also had a rather disturbing air about him. That he knew more than he let on, which was only proven as fact since he listed all of Bilbo’s criminal offenses right off the top of his brain. It would be his luck that Balin would hate him, and do something to him because of it. He hoped that Balin wouldn’t poison the food. In Bilbo’s mind, that was just wrong, and entirely improper. Not to mention a great slight against food in general.
Bilbo fiddled with the wine in his lap, a little glad that Frodo’s mother had managed to finally get some time off to be with her son. He was nervous enough without Frodo coming along, he didn’t need the added pressure of making sure the young lad, as sweet as he was, didn’t cause any trouble. Not to mention that the car ride was ridiculously long. Balin, apparently, lived far beyond the city, in a house he inherited from his and Dwalin’s parents. He was curious as to what Dwalin inherited, but he said before that he didn’t like charity, and that while his brother had a fairly open mind, he had hinted that his parents were more conservative.
“Hey.”
Bilbo turned away from the winding dirt road to look at Dwalin, who was focused on driving, but managed to slip a large hand over both of his.
“It’s just dinner.” Dwalin stated. “If anything happens, I’ll get you out of there.”
He decides ignore the fact that Dwalin didn’t at all mention that it would be fine, but he nodded anyway. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Just…” He muttered, feeling rather embarrassed. “I’ve never done something like this before.”
He saw Dwalin’s brow furrow from the glow of the lights on the dashboard. “What do you mean?”
“Meeting the family.” He answered. “I’ve… No one’s ever taken me to meet their family before.”
There’s a brief pause as he’s clearly trying to absorb this information when Dwalin finally snorts. “It’s not that big of a deal, really.” He stated. “Just, with mine, you always have to check the mirrors before you use the toilet.”
“Why the mirrors?”
“Ah! Here we are.”
Bilbo looked out the window just as Dwalin was racing up the driveway and his jaw dropped. He had always seen mansions and large state houses in movies and television shows, but he never saw one in person before. It was a little foreboding, if he was being honest with himself. The large structure towering over them, lights illuminating the front through the windows and fixtures by the door. To think that Dwalin actually grew up in such a place was mind-boggling.
“Welcome to Cuckooville.” Dwalin announced as he pulled up front, parking the car and shutting off the ignition.
“Oh…” Bilbo breathed, looking at Dwalin. “Well, it’s… It’s rather large…”
“You’d be surprised at how boring it actually is.” He groused, unbuckling his seatbelt. “Are you ready?”
Bilbo nodded quickly, unbuckling his own seatbelt. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?” Dwalin pressed. “We can turn around right now if you’re uncomfortable. I can always make an excuse-.”
“Dwalin,” Bilbo cut in, sending his love a smile. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I will be, anyway. And I want to do this. Just as I had you get to know Frodo, I think I should at least try to get to know your brother.”
Dwalin sighed. “Fine,” He muttered. “But if anything happens at all-.”
“I know, love.” He said, cutting Dwalin off with a quick kiss. “Now, shall we?”
Dwalin huffed. “I wish you would’ve faked sick or something…”
Bilbo laughed. “Well, if anything, we’ll be getting this over and done with!”
Dwalin chuckled, and Bilbo smiled at the sound, allowing the larger man to put an arm around his shoulders and lead him up the steps. Despite the warm arm, Bilbo still clutched the bottle tightly, fearing that he would drop it.
He almost did when the door was pulled open and they were greeted by Balin. “Ah! Glad that you could made it! And on time, I might add!”
“Brother.” Dwalin greeted, and Bilbo swallowed hard at his tone.
“Well, it’s always good to see you, Dwalin.” Balin said, tipping his head to them both. “And it’s a pleasure to see you again, Bilbo!”
“A pleasure indeed.” He replied, trying to give Balin his best smile, though he was sure he looked like he was in pain.
“Well, don’t just stand there. Come on in!” The man said, pulling the door open further and waving them in. “The staff has taken the night off, so we have the house all to ourselves.”
Dwalin grumbled something that Bilbo couldn’t quite hear, and he figured that was probably for the best.
“Well, it certainly is a nice place.”
“Thank you. It’s the family home, where Dwalin and I grew up.” Balin explained, smirking. “But I’m sure he’s told you that already.”
Dwalin scoffed and Bilbo just smiled easily at him. “He might’ve mentioned it, yes.”
“Well, dinner is still cooking, so why don’t we go adjourn to the living room?”
“Ah-Yes. Yes, of course.” Bilbo stuttered, thrown at Balin’s choice of words. Once Balin was out of earshot, he tilted his head towards Dwalin, who leaned down to listen better. “Did he really say ‘adjourn’?”
Dwalin chuckled. “Yes. Yes, he did.”
“Who actually says adjourn comfortably, these days?” He continued to hiss, and it only made Dwalin laugh harder.
“My brother.” He finally answered, nudging at Bilbo slightly. “And trust me, it gets worse.”
Bilbo bit back a groan, because he wasn’t prepared for that. Sure, he was smart, or at least thought he was. He got very good grades in school (when he felt like going), and was very well-versed in a plethora of topics. But if Balin threw out words like “adjourn” and spoke as eloquently as he did, Bilbo probably wouldn’t stand a chance. He’d be left unimpressed, and he knew what would happen if that were the case.
He was sure that Dwalin couldn’t care less, but he didn’t want to cause any more tension or strain that already seemed to exist.
The living room was as luxurious-looking as Bilbo had predicted it to be. With soft, plush carpeting and rugs, furniture made with rich wood and fabrics, and a roaring fireplace. He was terrified at the mere thought of sitting down, so he delayed that action as long as he could.
“I-er… I brought the wine.” He offered, holding up said bottle.
“Oh, yes! Wonderful!” Balin said brightly, taking the offered wine and looking it over. “Very good year, too. And red has always been a personal favorite of mine.”
With that Balin began to leave. “Make yourselves comfortable! I’ll just set this aside for dinner!”
Bilbo watched his retreating figure, thinking that Balin would most likely pitch the wine he happened to just yank off the shelves in a rush at the store. He wouldn’t blame the older man, for he did seem like the kind of person that would have very refined tastes. Something Bilbo didn’t really have himself.
As soon as he left the room, Dwalin promptly dropped onto a nearby sofa, patting the seat next to him. Bilbo hesitated for a few moments before sitting down as slowly and as gently as he could manage.
“You need to relax.” Dwalin urged gently, wrapping an arm around Bilbo’s shoulders. “It’s not healthy being this tense.”
“I’m sitting on a sofa with you that probably costs more than all of my own furniture combined!” He hissed, even as Dwalin pulled him into his side. “I’m afraid of breaking something if I so much as breathe on it!”
“He can always replace it.”
“That doesn’t mean I should try-!”
That was when Balin returned, causing Bilbo to immediately straighten up and out of Dwalin’s hold.
“Oh, how rude of me! I forgot,” Balin cursed. “Would you boys like anything to drink?”
“The usual.” Dwalin answered quickly, and Bilbo felt a little concerned when Balin frowned.
“Really, brother, on a night like this?”
“If you don’t want a repeat of the last time, then yes.”
Balin looked skywards as Bilbo’s curiosity rose about Dwalin’s request, then watched as he went to what appeared to be the drinks cupboard and pulled out a crystal bottle that seemed to be filled with some type of malt liquor. It shocked Bilbo, for he had never seen Dwalin drink anything stronger than a beer, claiming to hate most of the stronger stuff.
He couldn’t imagine what Balin would do that would cause his brother to turn to such drinks.
“Bilbo, what would you like?”
He decided to play it safe. “Er… Just water, please. If it’s not too much trouble.”