Chapter Text
With auburn hair and tawny eyes… The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through… You hypnotize me through… and I ran… I ran so far away…
A song by A Flock of Seagulls bounces around the small diner where the two boys sit in. They’re sitting in a booth in the corner of the room. Stefan starts to look around as the waiter leaves to prepare their order. Stefan ordered a glass of milkshake and a plate of pancakes. Colin asked for an additional straw and a fork.
The walls are decorated with records, some which Stefan is not familiar with—Ratt, Blue Oyster Cult, Danzig, Motorhead. There are six more booths after theirs, each one evidently taking a colour from the rainbow. There are five tables in the middle of the diner, three chairs in each one. The two boys are the only customers.
“Not a lot of people come here. Everyone around the area think it’s fake.”
“Fake?”
“Yeah, you’re looking around. See how the decorations don’t make sense? The records? The colour of the booths? They don’t fall under one real theme.”
Stefan nods and looks around with this new criticism of the place.
“People think the owners are posers, so they just put whatever they think is in with the youth.”
They look at the manager, a middle-aged lady with fake green hair. She’s wearing a Quiet Riot shirt, which doesn’t match the floral skirt she’s wearing.
“Some kids joke around, saying this place’s design is rushed, that it’s not supposed to be here anyway.”
Not supposed to be here. Stefan starts to feel bad again, “What do you mean by that?”
Colin takes off his glasses and wipes them with a tissue he gets from the box on the table.
“You know in a game when there’s an area that players aren’t supposed to go to, but the area has to be there just so players can make a mistake? Developers don’t make much of an effort to work on these areas because they don’t matter. They have to be there, but the players don’t.”
Stefan nods even though he’s not really sure if he gets what Colin is saying.
The waiter arrives with Stefan’s order and Colin’s requests. He looks at Colin who already put the straw between his lips, like a joint. Stefan just stares before Colin signals him to try the milkshake, so he does. He stretches his neck to drink from the straw, didn’t bother moving the glass closer to him because… Colin puts his own straw in the glass. Stefan finishes drinking fast because he thinks it’s Colin’s turn to drink now. The younger boy experiences brain freeze, but it wasn’t so bad because the strawberry flavour lingered in his mouth. It’s the best milkshake he’s ever had.
“Strawberry. I like strawberry.” Colin moves the glass closer to him to take a sip.
“Why strawberry?” he asks. Stefan feels a little pressured to answer, but he has no answer, and Colin just starts talking again, “What happened to you this morning?”
Stefan backtracks, and he stops when he remembers the dream he had. He looks at Colin who just stared at him, his forehead scrunched as if he’s trying to figure something out. Stefan thinks he’s blanked out again, so he starts, “I had a bad dream that ruined my mood, and I couldn’t focus on the game. I had a few routes that I couldn’t work out where they were supposed to go, but if I got rid of them—“
“You feel like the story’s too short?”
Stefan nods. Colin quickly made sense of what he was going through. He’s impressed. Colin Ritman’s mind is always at work. Active. That’s why he’s smart enough to design these games.
“Alright then.” Colin stands up and grabs Stefan by the wrist again. He wants to get used to this, Stefan thinks to himself.
Soon, Colin’s dragging him to the door, and Stefan looks back, “Wait, I haven’t eaten my pancakes or paid for them yet.”
But they’re already out the door, “Doesn’t matter. It won’t have any effect.”
Colin lets him go, so he just follows him around the corner.
“Where are we going now?”
“I’m helping you see the bigger picture again.”
~~
They arrive at Colin’s building. Kitty’s not there. There’s an empty crib in the middle of the room. Colin walks to it and looks inside as if to check if it really was empty.
“Where’s Kitty? She was here this morning.”
Colin goes to kitchen before responding, “You were here this morning?”
There are sounds of mugs being set on the kitchen table. Stefan goes to the kitchen, and Colin is now boiling water.
“Yeah, I was looking for you.”
Colin looks at Stefan and smiles, “You’re clingy, aren’t you?”
He didn’t really know what Colin meant by that.
“So, you’ve been here before, right?” Colin continues.
“This… this place… your place? Uhh, no… I think I dreamt it.”
“I mean this morning, but, alright. What happened in your dream?”
The water boils fast, and Colin takes the kettle from the stove. He pours water into the mugs and starts making tea. Stefan just stands, watching him. When Colin finishes, he takes them to the living room, and Stefan takes this as a cue to follow him.
The living room is exactly what it was in Stefan’s dream—spacious, different paintings on the wall, big sofa on one side and a recliner chair on the other, and then… there’s the balcony. Stefan starts walking to it, but Colin grabs his shoulder, “Tea?”
Stefan sits on the big sofa, and Colin sits next to him, putting the two mugs on the table. He remembers that Colin sits in front of him in the dream. He feels relieved. The dream is not coming true.
“Drink your tea,” Colin says, his tone commanding. He seems to be in a hurry as well because this command was followed by an exasperated sigh.
“Is there anything in here?” Stefan asks.
“Other than tea?”
Stefan nods, and Colin shakes his head no.
“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you. I just don’t know who else to ta—“
“You’re not bothering me. You don’t see video game characters changing their scripts when your hero keeps asking them the same thing, right?”
Colin takes out something from his pocket and holds them on two fingers,
“You know what these are?”
Stefan looks at the small patches, a lion face on each one. He starts to think about his dream again.
“Y-yes,” his voice breaks between letters.
“Do you want to move forward in your game? Do you want to keep going?”
Colin looks at him straight in the eyes. Stefan didn’t even notice right away that Colin is now completely next to him, no space between them. Then, he notices how Colin smells like smoke and perfume.
“It’s your choice. You can always go home now.”
He remembers that he and Colin smoked and went on an acid trip before Colin jumped. If he leaves now, who knows what will happen to Colin. Save your companion? Yes. No.
“I want it. I’ll stay.”
“Good.”
Colin puts his other hand at the side of Stefan’s cheek, “You know what to do.”
Stefan opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue. Colin places one patch on his own tongue before placing the other on Stefan’s.
“Now, we wait…” Stefan whispers.
He looks at Colin who taps his cheek lightly before taking his hand away.
“Yes.” Colin smiles and takes a sip from his tea.
They wait a while. Colin lights up another joint. He looks up. Stefan watches as the older boy's chest rises and drops at the exhale of smoke.
Colin turns to him; there's still some smoke escaping his lips. "Want to try?"
Stefan's eyesight is slowly blurring. He wasn't sure what part of Colin's face he should focus on.
"Yeah. I want to try."
A few more minutes later and the drugs start to kick in. Colin puts a record on. Love on a Real Train. Stefan has picked up a furniture magazine. The people in the pictures are dancing, and they make him laugh. Colin just watches him, and he laughs, too.
Colin starts talking about how people think there’s only one reality but that these people are wrong.
Stefan stands in front of a painting, and he moves his hands on it, swirling the images around.
Colin explains how there are different realities branching out. He talks about time travel, flashbacks, some sort of spirit out there making decisions for them.
Then, they’re sitting on the sofa together. Colin tells him how mirrors help people travel through time. Stefan plays with light running around his fingers.
Colin continues, “The government monitors people. They pay people to be your relatives. And they put drugs in your food. And they film you.”
Colin is now lying on his back, his feet up and his head hanging on the edge of the sofa. Stefan listens to him as he talks about PAC-MAN being about program and control. Then, he stands up and walks to the window. He rests his hands on the glass.
Stefan, God save him, finally feels pulled back to reality for a few seconds as he sees Colin right at the balcony. His dream.
He stands up and struggles his way to Colin. Everything around them is moving now, but Colin is standing still. Colin is the only clear picture in front of him, so he fights for his feet to move him closer.
“It’s all code. If you listen closely, you can hear the numbers.”
He reaches Colin, and his legs have turned liquid, but before falling down, Colin turns to him and says,
“There’s a cosmic flowchart that dictates where you can… and can’t go,” taking off his glasses and holding Stefan’s face in his hands.
Stefan smiles at the feeling of warmth. He smells smoke and perfume again.
“I’ve given you the knowledge; I’ve set you free.”
Colin’s eyes start to melt from his sockets. Stefan feels panicked inside as this was the exact image in his dream. He raises his hand, go back in… don’t… don’t do that.
“Do you understand?” Colin’s voice is shaking. He thinks that Colin is tired. He thinks that maybe Colin has done this so many times. He thinks that Colin needs to be saved.
So he assures him, “Maybe… sort of.”
“I’ll show you what I mean.”
Colin puts on his glasses, “Come with me.”
They go out to the balcony. Colin starts talking about how they are on one path together and that their decisions on one path affect the whole that matters. Stefan looks down, hoping they weren’t high up, hoping that Colin won’t die if he does choose to jump off the balcony.
“Do you believe me?”
They’re high up. He’s terrified, and he wants to go back in.
He looks at Colin and wants to beg him that they go back in, but his mouth just lets out a laugh.
He's jumbling words inside his mouth. Having trouble spitting out what he wants to say, he struggles, “I… I don’t know.”
Colin looks at him, his eyes wide and eager, “I’ll prove it.”
No… Stefan starts clinging onto the ledge. It’s all his body lets him do.
“One of us is going over. Over there.”
Stefan’s smile finally breaks. Here it is. It’s exactly what it was. It’s exactly what he said.
No… His mind keeps thinking of one word. His mouth is filled with too many that won’t come out, but still, he tries, “D—die. You’d die…”
Colin explains that it wouldn’t matter because there are other timelines. He says that one of them is jumping, “Who’s it gonna be?” he asks.
Then, Stefan’s mind is blank for a few seconds. He stares at Colin and backs away. He wishes he can meld his body onto the ledge.
In his head, he suddenly thinks about him and Colin. Stefan and Colin. Stefan and Colin. Stefan or Colin.
He starts shaking his head… because that’s all he could do.
“It’s your choice,” Colin assures him again.
Stefan holds tight onto the ledge and looks down. They will surely die. One of them will surely die. It can’t be him. It can’t be Colin.
He looks at Colin again, the other still waiting for his answer. Stefan starts shaking his head no.
Colin’s face softens, “Stefan, mate, you have to choose.”
Silence. Stefan takes a deep breath.
Then, he pushes his body from the wall and onto Colin. He holds his hands tight on the ledge, trapping Colin in the corner.
“No… no one’s jumping!”
His head rests right on Colin’s chest, and his legs struggle to keep him standing. He keeps his hands tight on the ledge, putting all of his strength in them so that Colin can’t move away.
“Stefan…” He knows that Colin is going to make him choose again, so he starts shaking his head no. He keeps shaking his head, his sweat wiping on Colin’s shirt.
He feels warmth on the sides of his face. Colin’s holding him again.
“Stefan… I’ve shown you the bigger picture.”
He looks up at Colin with tears welling up in his eyes. Colin’s face is stern.
Colin, you can’t die. You can’t die. I can’t die. No one has to die. Please. No one has to die.
Everything around them disappears into darkness, into a blur, into nothingness. It becomes quiet.
They just stare at each other, and Stefan feels relief.
“I don’t have to choose…” He finally takes control of his words.
Colin sighs. He bites his lip, and his eyes turn sad.
“The thing is… you always have to, or you can’t move on with your game.”
Then, Stefan suddenly hears ticking in his head. He thinks of his name and Colin’s name and his name and Colin’s name. Stefan starts shaking his head, hoping it will make the sounds and images go away.
“Colin, don’t… don’t go…” He thinks about how he’s never had any control of his words or his thoughts or his body ever since he started working on Bandersnatch.
“I… I can’t… choose…” He feels regret and sadness and anger and helplessness. He keeps thinking about how it is either him or Colin as if there really is no other choice.
Stefan slowly takes his hand off the ledge. Colin breathes heavily.
He’s decided. He stands straight and looks at Colin.
“You’ve decided?” Colin asks him with a faint smile on his lips.
Stefan thinks that Colin looks defeated. He thinks about how Colin’s mind is always at work. Active. Colin knows what his answer is.
“Colin…” He says the name, bitter in his mouth again.
“Alright then.” Colin stands straight and fixes his shirt that Stefan had ruffled from all his shaking.
Colin puts one leg over the ledge, “See you arou—“
Stefan grabs Colin’s one arm with both of his hands and pulls him off. Colin loses his balance and falls onto Stefan. They drop halfway into the living room, Stefan’s face onto the floor and Colin’s body right on top of him.
“N—no one’s jumping!” Stefan’s body is back from the numbness. He feels pain on his knees from catching their fall.
“That’s my choice, Coli—“
“Stefan, no!”
A shadow moves on the floor, right in front of Stefan’s eyes. Colin grabs him by the waist and stands him up. They see in front of them the last thing Stefan wanted to see.
It was covered in hair, more so around its head, like a lion. Its face was only almost human, and its teeth glisten at the fog of breath.
Stefan starts pushing Colin back out to the balcony, anywhere away from this thing.
“Stefan! Stefan!” Colin grabs him by the shoulders and turns his body so that they are facing each other.
“I’ve set you free. You have so many realities.”
Stefan is terrified to look away from Colin. He is flushed with regret and helplessness, but Colin holds onto him tighter, “I can’t make a choice for you, Stefan. You have to do this, or else…”
Stefan feels warm breath hitting the side of his head. His hair moves, and he starts smelling iron.
“There are other timelines. You just have to finish this one, and you can mov—“
“I need your help! I can’t move on without you!” Tears start flowing down his cheeks.
The cold streaks are defeated by the warm breath that seems to have gotten closer. Stefan tries to turn his head to its direction, but Colin holds his face still.
“I’m helping you. I’m always going to help you.”
Colin plants a kiss on Stefan’s lips. His hand remains on the younger boy’s face as he slowly turns his body away, moving his leg up on the ledge.
“I’ll see you around,” Colin lightly kisses him one more time.
Stefan opens his eyes, wide, and then, Colin jumps.
Stefan tried to stretch out his arm to save Colin, but gravity moves faster.
Stefan drops onto the floor and starts crying. He hears a loud thud. He hears it so loud as if it was just next to him. He’s heard it so many times now. Too many times. Colin’s gone. Again.
He looks at the living room. The thing, whatever it was, is gone, too.
He slowly stands up, braving to look down onto Colin even though he is now sure he’s already witnessed this scene before. He turns around…
The monster is sitting on the ledge, and before Stefan could run away, it tackles him. He screams.
Everything turns black.
~~
I’ve set you free. You have so many realities. You have the choice. You have to make a choice.
He hears Colin’s voice in a distance. It fades out, overlapping with a song all too familiar to him now,
Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it… Relax…
Stefan exhales sharply right as his eyes open. He’s in bed. It’s 8:30 am. It takes him a few seconds to realize he’s finally awake.
Colin jumped off his building last night.
He died. Was it a dream?
He gets up to start working Bandersnatch. He sits on his chair and turns on his computer.
His heart drops when he sees on his keyboard.... Colin's glasses.
He grabs them and puts them in his bag. Then, he goes out again.