Chapter Text
TG: well goddamn aint my face red
TG: anything i can do to cheer the little feller up
EB: no. it is expired. it is dead. it is an ex-dick.
EB: not even the tenderest of tonguebaths will restore john junior to his former glory.
TG: what if i took the whole damn thing and didnt even gag on it
TG: lips all up against your balls egbert would that help or should i just clap my hands and try to say i believe in fairies around a mouthful of your swooning beef truncheon
TG: because i do believe in fairies john i do
TG: im sucking one off right now
EB: iiiii dunno...
TG: come on dont you pussy out on me goddamn it
TG: ill even swallow just dont you leave me here alone with this angry boner
EB: okay fine, i guess i'm hard again.
EB: but WATCH IT.
EB: one more remark about the batterwitch and this candy-colored fantasy of waving schlongs goes away forever, strider.
EB: now about that swallowing...
TG: yeah done and done
TG: now what
EB: now is the part of the show where i introduce you to mr. prostate.
TG: friend to all yeah i know
TG: i guess im handing you the lube or whatever
TG: the condemned man preparing for the firing squad
TG: you better have clean fingernails in this fantasy because i am not getting dream tetanus again
EB: totally clean! Trimmed and filed like the hands of a true and dapper gentleman. I would never presume to touch your booty with anything less than the most polished of manicures.
TG: thats a relief so are you jacking me off too or what
EB: yeah, one hand is sliding up and down on your cock and the other one approaches ground zero.
TG: cool i bet its slick as hell
EB: like a slip n slide, dude. just chillax and let me work my magic. i swear your behymen won't know what hit it.
TG: sure okay
TG: also egbert just as an aside
TG: if you ever tell anyone i took it up the butt i will staple your balls to a moving bus
EB: am i to understand that you are tensing up, dave? because it is going to hurt more that way.
TG: no im chill as fuck just stick it in already
EB: okey-doke! i am just using the one finger right now. for the sake of this fantasy let's assume you are as tight as my nanna's handwriting.
TG: holy fucking shit that is the worst dirty talk i ever fucking heard
TG: shame on you
TG: ugh
EB: call it payback for the cake remarks :P
EB: but seriously it's going in and out pretty easy now. how do you like that?
TG: lets assume it didnt kill me
EB: you know dave
EB: i just had this mental image of you doing all this stuff in your room right now.
EB: pretending it was me.
EB: i mean, i am not saying you are! but wouldn't it be weird if you had a finger up your ass because i told you to put it there?
EB: dance, puppet, dance! ahahaha!
TG: how the fuck would i be typing if i had a hand on my dick and another up my ass that makes no goddamn sense
EB: good point.
EB: too bad, it would have been funny!
EB: gosh, you're hard as a rock. it's twitching all over the place just from me petting it!
EB: has it been a while?
TG: nah
TG: couple hours
TG: being a teenager rules
EB: sure does!
EB: do you think you can take another completely fictional finger?
TG: yeah sure
TG: the first one is always the hardest right everything else is just sliding down that slippery slope
TG: by the end of tonight this blushing virgin is going to be the engine on a five mile man train
TG: plunging forward in a thick white cloud of steam
TG: god this feels good
EB: isn't imagination fun?
EB: speaking of making shit up, i am completely macking on your nipples right now.
TG: you get so much done in a day
TG: worker bees got nothing on john the blowjob king
EB: yep!
EB: all right dude brace yourself. i'm about to show you the world.
EB: http://www.howtobuttfucking.de/fuuu/harassing_the_prostate_for_fun_and_profit.gif follow this treasure map!
TG: wow a cross section thats hot as fuck let me just spatter it with jet after jet of hot young eau de stallion
EB: x marks the spot. that's where i'm aiming right about...
EB: now.
EB: not too hard, not too soft. sort of just saying hi.
EB: let me know when i have introduced you to your new best buddy, dave.
EB: i will be over here completely flogging your dolphin for you.
EB: i mean, in case you were wondering!
TG: okay hold on
TG: how will i know when
TG: oh
TG: fda
TG: hey
TG: uh
TG: hello there
TG: is that
EB: friend to all! :)
TG: holy shit
EB: atta boy!
TG: you smug little nerd if you dont flip me over and fuck my freshly unpackaged ass right now i will take my toys and my shiny new prostate and go home
EB: oh no you don't! i just got my boner back, no way i'm putting it away now.
EB: the anaconda is now on the hunt and jennifer lopez is you.
TG: worst movie ever
EB: shhhhh only ironic gay sex now. and no it wasn't it was cool.
TG: if your fingers didnt feel like a piece of heaven stuck halfway up my ass i would call you so many names right now egbert
TG: jesus fucking
TG: jesus
EB: all right, i'm going to utterly destroy your anal virginity now, dave.
EB: this is going to be super awesome. be sure to moan a lot. like porn moans. porn GIRL moans.
TG: no complaints here
EB: yeah i'm basically giving it to you like you like it.
EB: which i'm guessing involves some kind of humilating language right?
TG: y
EB: cool.
EB: how about
EB: take it you dirty little whore.
EB: i know you like it when i use you like the toy you are.
EB: you know what, i'm totally going to come in your ass.
EB: that's what you get for making fun of my glasses.
EB: and my teeth.
EB: actually, on second thought, i'm going to shoot my entire load in your ass first, and then i'm going to drink the last apple juice you have stowed in that hatbox on the top shelf of your closet.
EB: in case you're wondering, this is where i start really laying into you with my cock. your prostate does not know what the fuck.
EB: pretend i'm trying to poke a hole through the bed with my massively erect dong, and your tight pink ass keeps getting in the way.
EB: maybe i should mention how i'm spanking that ass a little bit while i'm at it. what do you think, dave?
EB: never mind, this is my fantasy now and you can't stop me. i am now totally slapping you on the ass every time i pull out. hahahaha, no orgasm for you!
EB: deal with it.
EB: so... yeah.
EB: that's pretty much what i am up to right now. fucking you in the ass hard and fast while i spank you and call you my tight little cum slave. is that too many things at once? oh well.
EB: i am pretty sure you are completely unraveling right about now, what with all the various ways i'm violating your tender young body to get myself off.
EB: how's that pillow taste now, mr. tough guy?
EB: let's assume it's really good, because you keep going back for more.
EB: had enough yet?
EB: ...
EB: dave?
EB: okay that's just rude, just for that i'm going to make you come all over your bedspread so you have to be my slut AND do laundry too. ha!
EB: i'm not spanking you anymore. just jerking you off. in case you were wondering.
EB: are you seeing stars yet?
EB: should I suck on your neck? turnabout is fair play.
EB: dave come on. my imaginary wrist is getting tired.
EB: if we do this too long you might have some trouble sitting down tomorrow!
EB: dave dave dave dave
EB: earth to cum slut come in cum slut
EB: hahah no wait, that's my job.
EB: holy cow, you're tight.
EB: is what i would be saying, if this were real.
EB: i can't hold on any longer. hold on.
EB: wow my stuff is everywhere.
EB: sorry about flooding your ass dude.
EB: it was an act of god. no stopping it once it started.
EB: i hope you felt that earthquake, dave! i think it was at least an 8.3 over here!
EB: fiiiine, if you're going to ignore me, i'm going to pull out and finish you off with my mouth.
EB: that'll teach you to go afk while i'm knocking your socks off.
TG: no its cool mission accomplished
TG: you had me squirting at cum slut
TG: jesus christ egbert
TG: i know the rule of broship is we dont talk about our cocks and actually mean it
TG: but i gotta ask
TG: you seriously got through that without actually having to jerk off even once
TG: seriously what are you a robot have you no heart
TG: im more or less glued to my computer chair here by my own fluids and my cock is in a coma
TG: and youre all like trololol la foul mouth sans merci up in here
TG: how can you not be humping every surface in your room 24/7 with a dirty mind like that
TG: reveal your secrets you freaky little bitch
TG: how do you do it
TG: and why didnt you ever do it to me before was i too subtle or something
TG: goddamn my toes are still uncurling
EB: whoops, sorry! i had to go clean up.
EB: let me scroll up and read.
EB: haha, oh dave. you are a card!
EB: it's just so much more fun to mess with you.
EB: and oh hey, by the way. i have a present for you!
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_001.jpg
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_002.jpg
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_003.jpg
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_004.jpg
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_005.mov
EB: http://omghosty.cn/pornload/how_i_spent_the_last_thirty_minutes_006.mov
EB: that last one is the best, in my opinion.
TG: oh my god you recorded it
TG: fuckin saved
EB: if you look to the right of the tissue box you can see where i've set up my microphone for the speech to text program. it's pretty accurate!
EB: saves me a lot of typing when i'm occupied, dave.
TG: okay i admit it you broke my brain
TG: this is like finding out your sunday school teacher is a porn star
TG: except hotter
TG: no fucking way thats six inches
TG: im not sure i can take the real thing without it coming out my eye or something but holy shit TG:that is a cock that could boost tourism and i want it to live in my mouth EB: i'm glad you like my dick, dave. we should do this again soon! TG: yes TG: yes we should TG: im going to go drink about a gallon of this shitty pop to rehydrate TG: and then i am setting up my webcam TG: and then i challenge you to a rematch EB: any time, any place. my body is ready. TG: you complete and utter freak EB: hehehe! EB: oh hey, my dad put a bunch of chocolate chip cookies in with the oatmeal raisin. i asked him for you. TG: sweet thanks TG: i love chocolate chip TG: i can give the raisin abominations to bro or something that motherfucker would eat the slime off a dock pier if it had sugar on it TG: no offense to your dads truly excellent baking EB: hahaha! yeah. remember that time bro ate a corn chip you found behind the radiator for five bucks? TG: been trying to forget that egbert thanks for bringing it fresh to the top of my list of things that prove there is no god TG: the worst part was how it didnt make any noise when he chewed it TG: i think i may be scarred for life TG: my innocence is lost forever EB: i know, dude. EB: i know. -- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:13 --