Chapter Text
Chapter 10
After his realization of the unwanted feeling, Brian wanted to get through with his plans of distancing himself and ever so slowly he freed himself from the web Justin had spun around him.
Recently, Justin discovered cooking for himself and there was always a warm dish waiting for Brian as soon as he came home from work. It was endearing but too domestic, so he started to put a stop to it. When he came home, he usually told Justin that he wasn’t hungry and then he went out, not really a destination in sight but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he got away from the incubus. And when the disappointment on Justin’s face stayed on his mind for the rest of the day then this was something he had to bear. The more reason to lose himself in a nameless trick, trying to forget the image of the blond and his angelic face. He was not doing anything wrong. He repeatedly told himself, to stick to the plan.
It was for the better.
-
He still had sex with Justin every day, considering that the blond needed it like a normal human needed water to live - to survive. Not that he would describe it as a hardship to fuck him, it was as easy as breathing. But he distanced himself from the clinginess after the deed was done. Justin seemed to love getting as close as humanly possible after they both were satisfied. Sometimes Brian even asked himself if Justin wasn’t dependent on using him as his own personal pillow instead of his come. Sure seemed like it.
But the part of getting out of the octopus’ hold on him turned out to be harder than he expected. It was impossible to do so without coming across as suspicious. Turning his back to Justin, just made him the little spoon instead of the big one. No matter which position he was in, the other always found a way to mold his body to his. So Brian just left it at that. There was no way to put a stop to it, not even telling him had any use. Justin simply put these sweet words in his head, which always got him his way, and distracted him with his artist hands, teasing him until he was like putty under his fingers and unable to protest any longer.
-
When they were together with the gang, Brian outright ignored Justin, who tried his best to get his attention. The good thing here was that Justin couldn’t manipulate him in front of their eyes, so he just sat there helplessly. But even so, this didn’t mean that the gang didn’t give him the death glare for treating poor, innocent Justin like trash. Hell, even Debbie made sure to give him a slap on the head, when she saw how sad her 'Sunshine' looked. She had adopted him as one of her sons as soon as Justin'd smiled at her broadly. And even Michael, HIS best friend, looked disgusted by his actions and let him know that he thought he acted like a piece of shit towards Justin for no reason. Somehow the whole scenario was ironically funny to him because not long ago, Michael had hated Justin or despised him even though he had barely known him; and now he was on his side. What the hell was wrong with all of them? If they only knew that the innocent looking boy was only a facade and deep inside was a sex-hungry beast, which loved to force his way into his life and didn’t give him a choice and made sure to make his life miserable. Partially. He couldn’t say everything was bad because of the blond but damn, did he hate to have no choice in matters and not be the one on top in every way.
He wondered if Justin was smiling behind the sad expression, finding it hilarious that all his friends were standing up for him instead of for Brian. Probably. The other was a sneaky little shit.
All in all, this made him pissed at the blond even more and he made a show out of fucking even more tricks in front of him, to show him that they were not together and never would be in that sense, no matter how manipulative he was. No matter how unpleasing they were or how dissatisfied these tricks left him. Justin was a piece of meat that conveniently came flying his way and he had to be reminded of the fact, but more so: Brian had to remind himself of this particular fact.
-
So he went on like this for weeks and noticed how the warmth, the fire in Justin’s eyes slowly but surely diminished. Justin didn't mention noticing anything wrong at first; but after the second week of him ignoring the other as much as possible, did he find his voice again.
As usual, he came home, walked past Justin and changed his work clothes into more comfortable ones and he was about to leave the loft again. Suddenly though, there was a hand crashing the heavy metal door shut with a deafening sound.
Brian looked at the pale hand forming a fist before he turned around and was met by a different kind of fire in those azure eyes. This fire was not passion, it was burning anger, baring his displeasure and the ridicule.
"Where do you plan to go?" He expected Justin to scream at him but his voice sounded calm with a harsh edge to it - as if he had a hard time to hold back.
"Out. It’s none of your business, anyway. So do you mind to take your hand away?" He was about to face the door again when Justin grabbed him by his upper arms with both hands and slammed him against the door. "Fuck," he managed to mutter, the fingers digging into his skin painfully. "I guess this is a No."
Justin’s jaw tightened and he looked to the ground and then back to him, his eyebrows drawn together in a deep frown. He was only used to see an expression like this on Michael. He couldn’t recall ever seeing Justin angry, he always wore his smug, superior, playful smile. Well, in the last two weeks that changed considerably into a sad, nonchalant one but still.
"Do you think I’m that blind to what you’re trying to accomplish? You try to shut me out at everything and I don’t understand why! Before that, you were happy with how things went and then all of a sudden it’s like you’re making a 180 degrees turn and try to only do what you think is necessary. You fuck me and that’s it! But I can assure you that’s not how it’s going to continue, I won’t let you treat me like I’m one of your tricks, not more than a nuisance," Justin burst out, leaning closer towards him.
It was Brian’s turn to get angry.
"You’re right, that’s not how it’s going to continue," he tore himself away from the painful grip Justin had on him and leaned against the metal door.
"You think I was happy? Don’t fool yourself. How can I ever be happy when I don’t even have a choice in the matter! I know you have your ways to get into my mind, so I think that’s what I want even though it isn't - it’s not true. You said I was the one who needed you but you’re wrong," he prodded a finger to Justin’s chest, leaning in. "You’re the one who needs me."
Pushing his hand away, Justin cupped his face in his palms, staring in his dark eyes.
"You’re right. I need you because I’m tired of all the worthless fucks and the boring, monotonous life people of my kind are supposed to live. You and I - we have much more in common than you know. You felt the same dissatisfaction I felt by living the way you lived, and together we could change that, we have changed it. I’m manipulative and I forced my way into your life, that’s true, but I’m unable to force you to have feelings for me, which you have. I saw it in your eyes. I still see it! So why are you fighting this so much?" The blue eyes searched his hazel ones and for once he sounded sincere. Genuine.
"Don’t you even dare to compare yourself to me! You’re not even human and I don’t have any-," his voice broke off, sounding weak. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to swallow the clump stuck in his throat. "I don’t have any feelings for you… I don’t need you either, hell, I don’t even want you here and I fucking told you this more than once."
He was lying. He knew he was lying but for some reason, he thought this was the way to go. The right and the only way to handle the whole incubus situation, to get back to his old way. The asshole everyone knew. No expectations.
Justin looked taken aback by his statement, he looked so hurt, his eyes starting to glisten in the light with unshed tears.
His hands fell to his sides and he took a step back.
"You don’t want me then?"
Brian rolled his lips in his mouth. Why was this so hard even though that’s all he wanted from the start? He wanted to get rid of him, he wanted him as nothing more than someone he fucked more than once. But somehow it felt like someone was stabbing a dagger through his heart repeatedly until all that was left was an empty shell. The words he said hurt him more than they must hurt Justin.
"I don’t," Justin lowered his gaze, his hands tearing into the fabric of his pants. "But you’re always welcome in my bed for some sweat-inducing activities if you know what I mean. That’s all we do and all we’re supposed to be anyway," He stated, managing to sound nonchalant even though there was a storm raging inside of him, unbeknownst to the one in front of him.
"I see," Justin then turned away from him and walked silently to the bedroom.
"What no smart comeback? Don’t you want to fucking tell me that you know me better than I do so myself? You’re not trying to convince me that I - in fact - need you?"
Brian shouted after him, his arms spread to his side but there was no response. He didn’t know what he expected but it wasn’t this heartbroken look on the other’s face or his quiet acceptance. But for the better, right?
-
The next days were spent in silence, in deafening silence. He tried a few times to ease the mood but he only received glares for his efforts. Their 'relationship' now resembled the winter with its coldness seeping through his clothes which managed to make its way to his bare skin giving him goosebumps, but not the good kind.
It fucking sucked. They still fucked but it felt as if the heat was sucked out of it, lost forever. And this was fucked, even more so when he realized that the bad sex with Justin was still better than the good sex with one of his tricks.
He was ready to continue their tense relationship but when he came from work this day, not particularly in a good mood to begin with, Justin was gone.
Maybe the blond was off to Mikey’s or something else - whatever the hell he did when he wasn’t annoying him… but this conclusion did not prove to be true.
Four glasses of Jim Beam and two joints later; and he realized, even in his daze, that Justin wouldn’t come back.
He laughed to himself, stretching his limbs on the couch and taking another sip of his now fifth glass.
He was a mess. Brian felt like laughing and crying at the same time, his feelings and thoughts all mixed up inside of him. A mush he couldn't make sense of. After all, this time he got what he wanted but why was regret something that made its way through the surface, covering him in the shadows like a dark cloud looming above his head...
-
The next week he spent without the blond didn’t feel liberating, more likely did it feel like he was trapped in his own mind because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about the blond.
The sleepless nights were back, worse than before. There was no one who woke him up for sex. No. He himself was at fault, his mind finding no rest, his thoughts swirling around the object of his desire. He didn’t know what deprivation felt like but he was sure it was similar to the feeling he had right now, craving the one thing that was not available to him so badly, it almost made him mad.
Brian tried his best to overcome all of this but it didn’t go away. The horrible feeling stayed, like a part of himself was missing when Justin wasn’t here. Fuck.
And to top it all off, he got another warning from Gardner for falling asleep on his desk and missing several important calls. He was sure if Cynthia didn’t take them instead and wouldn’t have told the clients some bullshit excuse then Gardner would have fired his sorry ass without looking back. His life was turning to shit. All of it.
-
"Fuck, honey, you look horrible!" Emmett declared outraged when he took a seat beside Ted, both of them staring at him as if they haven’t seen him completely wasted before.
"I tried to ask him what’s up but he won’t talk. He doesn’t even insult me, so there must be something seriously wrong with him," Ted said to Emmett who then frowned and nodded his head in understanding.
"Teddy, isn’t it obvious that he’s suffering from a broken heart? Or have you seen Justin in the last week even though he was always here by his side."
"Now that you’re mentioning it, you’re right, but the way he treated him it’s no wonder he-"
"Would you two shut the fuck up?!" Brian massaged his temples in agony, their talk giving him an immediate headache. "I’m sitting right here - besides don’t you have something better to do than talk about my life or is yours so boring that there’s nothing to talk about in the first place. Then I truly feel sorry for you," the brunet leaned back, closing his eyes against the bright, artificial light of the Diner.
"Never mind he’s back at it again," Ted muttered.
"Yeah, and he’s acting like the biggest Queen in Pittsburgh," Emmett whispered back, raising an eyebrow at Ted and then he slurped on his soda like there's no tomorrow.
"Here for you, asshole," Debbie said and Brian peeked with one eye at the atrocity in front of him. There was a big bowl of chocolate-vanilla ice cream before him topped off with a ton of whipped cream, chocolate sauce, sprinkles and a cherry on top.
He stared up at the grey eyes filled with concern and sympathy, her lips drawn to a smile.
"What the hell is this?"
"It’s called ice cream and you look like you’re in a desperate need of some comfort food," she smiled at him.
"The fuck I am. You know I don’t eat this crap. This will only give me five extra pounds for nothing," he didn’t even deny the fact of needing comfort. When he was not feeling like falling asleep any second, he felt like someone tore his heart out.
"Don’t exaggerate and even if, you’re skinny, some extra pounds might even do you some good, asshole. Now shut up and eat," She replied, and then she was off to the next customer.
Brian glared at the monstrosity waiting to be eaten in front of him.
"If you don’t want it," Emmett announced, his hand making his way over the table to reach the bowl. "I don’t mind to eat it for you," he smiled like he was saving him from a hardship.
"And I’ll gladly help Emmett in this quest," Ted declared proudly, eyeing the ice cream.
He slapped both their hands away, and pulled the ice cream towards him, taking a spoonful and grinning at their disappointed faces.
"No, thank you. This is mine. Go buy your own."
At least, it was fun to mess with them. The fun no one could take from him.
When he was almost done with the big bowl, and Ted and Emmett were over their sulking, Michael turned up.
He saw how Debbie nodded his way and exchanged some oblivious looks with Mikey, who then stared very unsuspiciously his way before she went in to hug her son.
After their bear hug ended, Michael walked over to them, almost ignoring Ted and Emmett’s presence completely, only acknowledging them with a quick hand wave before he plopped down right next to him and gave him a kiss on the lips.
The puppy eyes stared at him then to the empty ice cream bowl and then back to him. Brian stared back, daring him to say something like anybody else had, only asking himself if it’s going to be about his looks or if he got right to the point.
"Brian… The last time you looked this bad, it was about these dreams you told me about…" So it’s his looks. Great. He glared at the other two queens as they pretended not to listen in on their conversation. "Is this because of Justin? What happened between the two of you? You seemed so at ease with him around, happier than usual and all of a sudden you treated him like shit, and now you’re sitting here wallowing in misery." His best friend then ran a hand through his disastrous hair and Brian let him for a few seconds before he pulled away.
The brunet rolled his eyes at Michael, his hands fumbling under the table as he stared at nothing in particular.
There was the word again. 'Happy'. Had he been happy? In comparison too now he had to be.
"Let’s just say it’s for the best that he’s gone. He had unrealistic ideas and demands and all in all was too bossy in general. He was a nightmare come true," he snickered as he said this because it was true. "So now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go off to work before my boss rips my head off for the third or fourth time this week, who keeps count anyway?"
Michael pressed a hand to his chest and blocked his way out of the booth, so Brian had no other way than to stay put.
"Brian, cut out the bullshit! Everyone could see that there was more to it than you let on! Look at you now! You pretend to be fine? I hate to pop your bubble but anyone with two eyes can see that you’re obviously not fine. So tell me why you scared him away even though he was finally a good thing that happened to you, someone who was able to keep up with your sarcastic, bitchy ass and your weird antics, well, besides me," Michael looked furious and outraged but at the same time he looked sad somehow, too. Then he seemed to remember his last words. "And what do you mean about work?"
Silently, Brian bit the corner of his lips, annoyed to have this conversation here or to have this conversation in general.
"You know nothing, Michael. I’m just fascinated that you bonded with him so fast even though you hated him in the beginning and now you’re even on his side, I wonder how that happened, oh, I know... but you don’t," he spat out and pushed Michael’s hand away. "And thanks for reminding me again, it’s not like I have several mirrors at home," he squeezed his way out of the booth. "I mean, that my lack of sleep almost got me fired several times now, nothing new," He raised his eyebrows at his friend, holding his hands out.
"You’re not making any sense! Since when are the sleeping problems back? And your job? Fuck Brian, why didn't you tell me? If I can help..." Michael also stood up, facing him.
"You’re fucking right it doesn’t make any sense. Not any of it, and still here I am. Brian fucking Kinney: A mess. Now I’ve gotta go," he said absentmindedly, walking out of the Diner and tearing himself away from Michael’s countless tries to stop him.
-
Another restless night, dreaming of silky blond hair and a luscious red mouth close enough to kiss. He was just about to close the last centimeters to finally feel those lips against his when he awoke to the darkness of his bedroom. He sat up and let his eyes adjust to the dark, hoping there was a sign of Justin, even if it was just a sign that he had been here but there was nothing. This time it was only a dream. Dreams that haunted him and didn’t get out of his mind for the rest of the day, making him spent his day in half-consciousness, in a trance so to say.
-
It even got so bad that he had to call in sick for work because he was sure he could not concentrate on anything. He always gave his all at work, thriving for the gratification of being the best and now he was probably the worst. It nagged on him that he was unable to do anything about it, his mind was only focused on one thing and that thing was not here - not here to put him at ease. Some might think this feeling of deprivation would go away the more time passed but it only got worse, if that was even possible at his state.
-
Days passed he spent in his loft, ignoring the endless worried messages from Lindsay and Michael, and the banging on the metal door. He tried to have some tricks over in the hope they could change something about his miserable existence and they made it worse, reminded him yet again that there was nothing satisfactory about them anymore. They could have sucked his cock for hours - when he even got hard - and there would be no release, just a fucking waste of time. He was fucking cursed by the little shit and he didn’t have a clue what to do about it.
Two more days of misery and he finally reached his breaking point. If this went on, he was sure he would get fired, he would never be able to come again, and he was supposed to live the rest of his life as a sleep-deprived zombie - and to top it all off, he’d probably lose his friends, too, because they wouldn’t understand what he was going through or why he needed so much time for himself.
Standing up, Brian ran a hand through his greasy hair and rubbed a finger over his dry lips. Maybe what he was about to do next, was a little bit crazy; and he was sure if anyone saw him they’d think the same and would probably put him in a mental institution but he was desperate. And desperate needs call for desperate measures. Perhaps it was more pathetic than crazy. So he called out Justin’s name, his voice sounding croaky after not using it for days. He looked around, noting that there was no sign of the blond.
He called his name out louder, his voice almost breaking off and he was sure the neighbors could hear him scream but he didn’t care. Never cared. The last time he tried he screamed as loud as he could, feeling the straining burn in his vocal cords.
Clenching his teeth together, his bloodshot eyes taking in the emptiness, he took slow deliberate steps to the bedroom. When he reached the edge of the bed, he threw himself on it face down, squeezing the pillow underneath his face. He really thought Justin would have shown up but here he was. Alone. A cold shiver ran down his back when he thought about living the rest of his life like this. The longing for something he lost, he deliberately pushed out of his life. It sounded horrifying… even when he tried to think about it stopping at some time, another day like this sounded like torture enough. He mushed his face into the pillow, which made it harder for him to breathe but it felt good, like blending out the rest of the world, surrounded by a comfortable warmth. Nothing else mattered but the heat from his own breath and the pillow against the skin of his face.
He felt like he could hear his blood rushing through his body and he closed his eyes to the calming noise when he was rudely interrupted by a sound coming from behind him. Without thinking he turned around with a flushed face and with creases from the cushion on his cheek to see the incubus standing at the bottom of his bed.
His eyes raked over his body, taking in the disheveled looks of the blond.
He thought he looked bad but compared to Justin he might even look normal. His skin was a pasty white, so white you could hold a sheet of paper against his face and it would have been the same color, his eyes looked sunken in like all the life was sucked right out of him and his lips were far from the rich red color they usually were. But even so, seeing him after so much time, which felt like an eternity, he was the most beautiful thing on earth. And he knew it sounded like the sappiest thing but he couldn’t help himself. Feeling like his inner turmoil finally came to a stop, he crawled towards him, standing up and looking down at him.
His hands clenched and unclenched at his side and his heart took a leap when he was so close to Justin, his skin already tingling without even having been in touch with the other. There was an electric current between them, sizzling in the air. His addiction taking a hold of him.
And then he wrapped his arms around him and pressed him to his body. An instant feeling of warmth and ease spreading through his stomach, his whole body and he asked himself how he could have seen this as a bad thing when all he needed was this - Justin.
Moments passed, and Justin was rigid against him but then he seemed to relax, and practically melted into his embrace, his hands clutching at the back of his black top.
They spent some time just holding each other like this was what they were meant to do all their lives. Justin buried his face in his neck and breathed him in, before he put his chin on his shoulder, getting even closer in the process. Never close enough though.
"I knew you needed me."
Of course, he knew that. The fucking smartass. Brian chuckled and shook his head fondly. And then he felt Justin smile against his neck.
Taking his head between his hands, he regarded him and saw that the heat - he had missed in those last days - was back in these gleaming azure eyes and then he leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was a sensual one, not as passionate as those they had shared before, but it transferred so much more longing for the other than any kiss before that. It showed the raw need they had for each other.
"I don’t only need you, I want you."
An admission which was hard to make but at the same time felt important enough to be said. He couldn’t imagine the other going away again, the thought alone made him feel anxious. He didn’t know if Justin was behind the feelings he had, he didn’t know if this was all part of a plan to get him where the blond wanted him, he didn’t know how it will go but he figured that everything had to be better than to be without him. Human or not - all that did not matter anymore.
What mattered was right in front of him.
Unconsciously, they had formed a bond, which was inseparable. Both of them had felt the consequences of their separation. Something they never wanted to experience a second time.
So Brian pulled him in again and claimed these lips in another searing kiss and it felt like this was the cure to all his solicitudes.
The End