Chapter Text
“You’re taking Jihyo away for the weekend?”
“Yeah, I think a short trip will be good for us.” Momo affirmed calmly, phone balancing between her shoulder and her ear as she tried to not fall down the stairs whilst pulling her rucsac on. “It’s been a hard week, Nayeon, I think we both need some time away.”
“This just feels like, and please don’t hate me for saying this but… it just feels like you’re trying to cling onto something that’s already gone.” Nayeon sighed, Momo could practically hear the wince in her voice. “Both of you are.”
“That’s not what’s happening.” Momo defended, releasing a shaky breath before continuing. “I’m not clinging onto anything, don’t act like you have any idea what’s going on, Nayeon; there’s so much more to everything that you have no idea about.”
“Listen, obviously I don’t know everything that’s going on, I’m just worried that- ”
Momo hung up the phone before Nayeon could say anything else; she didn’t want to hear anymore from her, she knew what she was doing.
The bus to Seoraksan was long and cold, the driver had very quickly announced that the central heating on the bus was broken and thus they’d have to suffer the journey without warmth. But Momo didn’t mind, she’d felt cold for a whole week now.
Jihyo had just sighed, pouting cutely at Momo, and pulled her warm coat around her body tighter as she sunk further into her seat. She looked tired, Momo knew she hadn’t been sleeping - could feel her tossing and turning at night, getting out of bed multiple times to pace the length of her dorm room, muttering to herself quietly - and Momo knew that it was her fault. Something just wasn’t right at the moment, hadn’t been right for over a month now, and she hadn’t realised what it was until that night over a week ago.
But, it was Valentine’s Day - their first Valentine’s Day as a couple - and Momo just wanted one weekend where they could be happy and in love again.
She wanted that horrible guilt that was eating away at her stomach to just go away, just for this weekend - that’s all she wanted.
Momo spent the whole journey just watching Jihyo, she could spend her whole life just watching Jihyo and be content as she really was just the most beautiful sight to behold. There was this air of calm and warmth surrounding the girl as she slept so soundly, curled up in her seat with her lips parted slightly - only Jihyo could make something as simple as sleeping look so sweet and cute.
No matter how much was going on, Jihyo could always make Momo feel so at peace and happy - she could just forget everything that was going on and feel so painfully in love. This was definitely the feeling Momo wasn't sure she'd be able to cope without, that feeling of being so at peace and loved, that was definitely going to leave too if Jihyo left.
Part of her really wanted to wrap her arms around Jihyo, pull her closer and just hold her for that little bit longer - Momo both wanted and needed to memorise the feeling of Jihyo against her body - nobody had ever had the ability to make Momo feel quite as warm as Jihyo had. But she also knew it was a selfish wish, Jihyo looked so peaceful finally resting after spending days wide awake and stressed. Momo didn’t want to feel the guilt that came with being selfish any longer, wanted the weekend away from such feelings so she could be happy again.
The journey to Seoraksan was just under 4 hours, but the first 3 passed by in a heartbeat. One second Momo was watching them slowly leave the bus station, whilst Jihyo was wrapping herself up in her coat and whining quietly, and the next they were speeding along a motorway through the countryside. It felt like time was getting away from so fast lately and Momo really just wanted to cherish every single second she had.
The bus driver came over the intercom, excitedly announcing they were just outside Seoraksan, only 20 minutes left before they arrived, and Momo smiled softly to herself as she watched Jihyo be stirred awake - squinting cutely and pouting as she was slowly awakened. Jihyo met Momo’s eyes and smiled slightly, she looked so tired that it made Momo’s heart hurt. She just wanted Jihyo to be happy again.
(Momo knew in her heart how to make Jihyo happy, but she just wasn’t ready to do it just yet - she just couldn’t .)
Jihyo was staring out the window, watching the world pass her by and humming quietly to herself as she remained mesmerised by the beauty of the countryside; this trip really was the perfect idea, Momo could only hope it’d bring Jihyo a little bit of peace.
None of their friends had thought it was a good idea for them to have a weekend away, both Jeongyeon and Mina tried to talk her out of it - reasoning that they needed to sort through their problems and not run from them. Nayeon had tried to find some double meaning in it, telling Momo she was clinging onto something she couldn’t have and she was only going to hurt herself by doing so. But, Sana had tried to be supportive - it pained Momo more than anyone would ever know seeing Sana’s heartbroken expression as she’d tried so hard to be supportive whilst missing Momo so badly.
There weren’t the right words to describe how much Momo missed how she and Sana once were, but now wasn’t the right time for her to try and get it back. There was a lot she had to do first, a lot of growing up needed to be done first.
Jihyo tugged on Momo’s sleeve gently, pulling her out of her thoughts so she could see they’d reached their destination. Momo smiled at her gratefully, rising from her seat and pressing a kiss to Jihyo’s forehead in thanks.
Jihyo didn’t melt into the touch like she usually would, and Momo tried so hard to pretend it didn’t hurt.
The bed and breakfast was gorgeous and just so romantic, everything Momo had hoped it would be and everything that Jihyo deserved. They’d both been so on edge in the past week with everything that had happened and all the implications that came as a result, they really needed this weekend to just be perfect.
The wave of relief that washed over Momo’s entire soul the first time she saw their room was almost enough to wash away all the bad feelings that plagued her heart - and the cheesy grin that spread across Jihyo’s features as she flopped backwards onto the bed was also nearly enough to make Momo forget all that had happened and just be in love.
Almost.
That same small pool of guilt Momo felt in the pit of her stomach every time she looked at Jihyo was still there, she still couldn’t help but wonder if this was the right decision for her to be making; if there was a way she could’ve gone about this to hurt less people, to protect Jihyo from being hurt whilst also indulging her own selfish desires one last time. A part of Momo truly wished she’d talked to Sana more, explained her side of the story so that Sana wouldn’t be left feeling so alone.
But seeing Sana made Momo ache , it really hurt to look at Sana and know everything she was hiding - everything she’d spent so many months trying to keep a secret from Momo and all their friends.
Momo wondered if Sana hurt every time she looked at her too, her chest tightened as she thought about how long she must’ve been feeling like that.
“Momo?”
Jihyo was sat on their bed, propped up by her elbows as she gazed at Momo confused and concerned; a singular eyebrow quirked as she tried to study her.
“Momo?” Jihyo reiterated, sitting upright on the bed and reaching a hand out for Momo to hold. It didn’t matter how cold the world felt, the second Momo came into contact with Jihyo her whole body felt warm and safe. “What’s wrong, baby?”
The pet name really shouldn’t have made Momo feel so strange, they’d been referring to each other by nicknames from before they even officially got together - by now it was almost second nature - but this time it felt different; felt like it didn’t belong to her.
“Nothing, Hyo.” Momo hummed quietly, not trusting her voice to cooperate if she spoke any louder, she clasped Jihyo’s hand with both of her own and relished in the warmth that spread across her whole body. “Everything is perfect, I’m really happy.”
“I’m really happy, too.” Jihyo murmured in agreement, small smile toying with her lips as she gazed into Momo’s eyes. She was lying, just as Momo had, and it took milliseconds for Momo to know that she was.
Her eyes weren’t sparkling, Momo had never missed the glimmer of someone’s eyes before until now.
“You picked out a really good hotel, this room is so beautiful.” Jihyo gushed genuinely, eyes leaving Momo’s to gaze around their room and drink in the decor. “I can’t believe you could afford something like this, it still feels wrong that you’re the one paying for all of it, at least let me chip in a little bit?”
“Never.” Momo replied simply, moving to sit next to Jihyo on the bed and wrap an arm around her waist comfortingly - pulling Jihyo securely against her side and sighing happily when Jihyo rested her head on her shoulder. “This whole weekend getaway was my idea, and I picked out the hotel so it’s only fair that I pay for it.”
“But this must’ve set you back a lot, what about your rent and food and stuff?” Jihyo inquired worriedly, Momo just chuckled quietly and shook her head. “You do have to pay rent, Momo.”
“You worry too much, Jihyo.” Momo stated coolly. “Everything is going to be fine, you don’t have to worry about me not making rent.”
“I worry because I care.” Jihyo frowned slightly, looking up at Momo curiously - it was odd for her to be so calm and deflective about Jihyo’s concerns - but Momo still had that same slight smile on her lips.
“I know you do, Hyo.” Momo agreed easily.
There was a beat of silence, neither Momo nor Jihyo making any noise as they just sat together in pure silence - only the faint sound of people outside could be heard. But, it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, Momo could say with near certainty that there had never been a moment where she felt awkward around Jihyo - even with everything that was happening, Jihyo would always feel like home.
And that was what hurt the most.
“I love you, Momo.” Jihyo whispered softly. “Thank you for everything, you’re so good to me.”
“I know.” Momo uttered gently, leaning over to press a kiss on the side of Jihyo’s head. “I love you too.”
The afternoon was spent lazing around in bed, doing nothing but be with each other in quiet harmony. It was always silently amusing how their quiet time together, like this, highlighted their differences so perfectly.
Whilst Momo lay under the covers, eyes glued to her phone screen as she scrolled through Twitter - occasionally pausing and giggling to herself before showing Jihyo whatever amusing tweet she’d seen, beaming when Jihyo would giggle in return - Jihyo was diligently researching different things they could do tomorrow, mulling over the different selection of activities that were available to them.
Momo found pure joy in watching Jihyo while she worked, whether it be for something trivial such as planning a day out, or something more difficult and intensive such as an essay for class or studying for an exam - the look of sheer focus on her face was a precious sight.
She’d come to realise over the past months that it didn’t matter what Jihyo was doing, Momo would always want to be watching her - could find complete contentment in diligently watching Jihyo do anything. The bashful smile Jihyo would shoot Momo each time she caught her staring would do nothing but egg her on; living for the way Jihyo would continue to glance her way to see if she was still watching, her smile priceless when she saw that Momo was.
There was nothing about Jihyo she didn’t love wholeheartedly, and that fact made Momo’s heart physically ache with dread and guilt.
Jihyo didn’t drag Momo out of bed until it was almost 6pm, they both knew that they would’ve happily stayed in bed the whole evening had she not, but dinner was being served and neither Momo or Jihyo had ever been the type to turn down food - especially not when it was included in the cost of the hotel.
Momo had put up something of a fight when Jihyo had told her to get out of bed, pretended to be devastated at the prospect of having to get up in a teasing attempt at winding Jihyo up and getting the girl to scold her, but Jihyo had just smiled at her unconvinced and told her to get ready, before disappearing into the bathroom to do her makeup and get ready herself.
The hotel was far too nice for what they’d usually wear to their dates at small, hole in the wall restaurants in Seoul, plus it was Valentine’s day, so Momo had already taken the liberty in packing the little black dress she knew Jihyo loved on her and doing her makeup delicately and perfectly. She was excited to surprise Jihyo with her dress, keen to see how she'd react.
"Hey Momo, can you come in here a second?" Jihyo called out to Momo suddenly, and Momo just chuckled, smoothed out any creases in her dress and hummed out a 'yes' as she pushed the bathroom door open.
Never in her life had Momo ever quite been prepared for Jihyo. No matter how much she tried to prepare, convince herself that she was ready to be blown away and have her heart stolen again - Jihyo always managed to take her breath away and make her forget her own name.
“Do I look okay? Is this nice enough for dinner?” Jihyo asked nervously from where she stood in the bathroom, smoothing her hands over her dress obsessively as she stared at her reflection. “I have something else, another dress, if you don’t like this one?”
Momo just stared at Jihyo, mouth hanging open as she tried and failed to find the right words to accurately explain just how in love Momo felt in that moment - there was no question in her mind that Jihyo was perfect for her in every way imaginable, it was just a shame the universe didn’t agree.
“Baby,” Momo started, her voice rough and quiet as she slipped into the bathroom and wrapped her arms around Jihyo’s waist as she leant over and rested her chin on Jihyo’s shoulder. “You look fucking amazing.”
“You don’t look too bad yourself, Momoring.” Jihyo chirped happily, turning around and loosely looping her arms around Momo's neck to pull her close to the point their lips were millimeters apart. “How did I get so lucky?”
“I ask myself that everyday.” Momo hummed in reply, allowing their lips to brush then pulled away before Jihyo could properly close the distance between them, giggling at the girls overexaggerated pout. “Now come on, it’s nearly 7 o’clock and I’m really hungry.”
“I still can’t believe you managed to plan a whole weekend getaway in under a week.” Jihyo muttered incredulously, Momo gazed up from her plate of food to shoot Jihyo a smirk that made Jihyo giggle. “I’m serious! It’s impressive, especially when you planned it so perfectly, like everything about this hotel is amazing I can’t believe you managed to book it for us.”
“I phoned my mom for help, she’s really good at that sort of thing - she planned all of our holidays growing up.” Momo explained, drinking in the way Jihyo was looking at her and blushing lightly at the intensity of Jihyo’s gaze. “She tried to make me have her pay, but honestly her just finding this place was enough for me. I really wanted to give you the perfect weekend getaway, you deserve it.”
Momo’s heart clenched in her chest as she watched Jihyo’s expression falter, going from admiration and awe to one of guilt and sadness - her gaze shifting from Momo to her lap. The air was tense as Jihyo shifted in her seat, clearly trying to find the right words to say, Momo wasn’t sure what she’d said wrong but she desperately wanted to fix it; Momo found herself desperate to fix Jihyo near constantly recently.
“Momo, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything.” Jihyo started, pausing to take a deep breath before continuing. “I know you keep telling me you’re not mad and that you’ve forgiven me, but I did a really fucking bad thing not telling you I’d met my soulmate.”
“Jihyo, it’s okay I understand.” Momo interjected quickly, reaching over to try and hold Jihyo’s hand but Jihyo moved hers away before she could.
“No, it’s not okay, I’ve caused everyone so much stress by being selfish.” Jihyo insisted, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke. “I was so worried you’d leave me if you found out that I thought it was better to just keep it a secret, it was naive and careless of me. A part of me knew that you’d find out, I knew there was no way I’d be able to keep it a secret for the rest of our lives and that the longer I left it the more it’d hurt when you did find out. I’ve been a really shitty person lately, Momo, but I’m honestly trying to do better.”
“I would’ve done the same thing, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes Jihyo.” Momo tried to reason with her, this wasn’t a conversation for the dinner table but it didn’t seem like Jihyo wanted to end it. “You meant well, and that’s all that matters to me.”
“Why do you forgive me so easily, Momo.” Jihyo muttered sadly, a singular tear cascading down her cheek. “I’ve hurt so many people by putting myself first, I’ve hurt you, I’ve hurt my soulmate and I’ve hurt myself. By trying to protect myself I’ve managed to hurt myself countless times, how fucking pathetic is that?”
“I forgive you because I love you, Jihyo.” Momo answered earnestly, gazing at Jihyo with her whole heart on the table. “I love you so much that I physically can’t be mad at you, it just isn’t possible and believe me I’ve tried. Remember when you lost my Boo doll?”
Jihyo nodded and giggled, Momo smiled slightly to herself and silently willed for Jihyo to look up and meet her gaze.
“I was so upset that it was gone, and I wanted to be angry at you for losing it, but then I looked at your face and saw just how sorry you were and my heart just hurt. Because the thought of you thinking I was angry at you made me feel worse than knowing the doll was gone.” Momo continued, she could see Jihyo’s shy smile and it made her heart feel warm. “Jihyo you are the love of my life, I know we’ve not even been together that long but I can just feel it. ”
“I love you too, please never forget that Momoring.” Jihyo mumbled quietly, lifting her head to meet Momo’s gaze and finally linking their fingers together. “No matter what happens, I’m always going to love you.”
“I know, don’t worry, I promise I’ll never forget that. Knowing you love me is what makes my world so much brighter.” Momo hummed happily. “And who can blame you, I really am the whole package, you totally lucked out.”
“Momo.” Jihyo warned teasingly, letting go of her hand so she could continue eating her dinner instead.
“To think, I had the ladies practically knocking down my door for a chance with me and I settled down so easily. You have no idea how lucky you are Park Jihyo.” Momo joked, winking at Jihyo as the other girl just chuckled to herself, shaking her head slightly. “Nayeon was so disappointed at how easily I was domesticated.”
“She still is.” Jihyo giggled, smirking proudly at Momo. “She complains to me all the time about how annoyed she is that I’ve stolen you away from her, good to know I really am that powerful to have managed to tame miss Hirai Momo.”
“You really have no idea.” Momo sighed lovingly. “I was so drunk that night we met, but I still remember every single second I spent with you. I couldn’t get you out of my head if I tried.”
“You’re exaggerating.” Jihyo murmured bashfully, blushing wildly at Momo’s words.
“I’m really not, you’ve made a home in my head and my heart, and I don’t ever want you to move out.” Momo stated simply, a small lump forming in her throat as she watched Jihyo’s gaze soften. “I’ve never loved anyone quite like how I love you.”
“I think you need to stop drinking wine, you’re getting really sappy.” Jihyo giggled, Momo tried to not let herself be hurt by how quickly Jihyo disregarded her words. “I love you too, so much. I really do see a future with you.”
“You having a soulmate doesn’t have to change anything.” Momo pointed out, she was lying to herself and Jihyo - and she knew it. “I mean, if your parents can make it work, who’s to say we can’t?”
“Right.” Jihyo visibly stiffened, clenching her jaw hard as she nodded stiltedly in uncertain agreement. It was strange, but Momo tried her best to ignore it.
“You being able to see in colour could be a blessing in disguise for us, at least now you can make sure that I’m never wearing clashing colours. I’d ask Jeongyeon, but I honestly don’t trust that she’s not lying to me.” Momo offered, trying to lift the mood but it was clear the atmosphere had shifted. Maybe Jihyo could tell she wasn’t being honest. “When we eventually move in together you can choose what colour we paint the walls as well.”
“Yeah, totally.” Jihyo agreed unconvincingly, there was something off about her gaze but Momo couldn’t place it. It was the same farraway look that often made its way into her gaze recently, Momo just wished she knew why. “But that’s a discussion for when we actually move in together. I’m content with how we are right now.”
“Me too, I really couldn’t be happier with how we are right now.” Momo nodded in agreement, smiling at Jihyo with pure adoration and sighing internally when Jihyo returned it. “I’m having such an amazing time with you tonight, you look unbelievably beautiful as always.”
“Flatterer.” Jihyo smirked flirtatiously, brushing her hair behind her ear. “You look gorgeous tonight as well, I can’t take my eyes off you. Not that I’d want to anyway.”
“Now who’s the flatterer?” Momo teased with a wink and a chuckle.
“It’s so rare we get to get properly dressed up like this, trust me I love our low maintenance dates, but I’ll never get over just how stunning you look in a proper fitted dress.” Jihyo flirted shamelessly, making a point to rake her eyes over Momo slowly and deliberately. “We really should get dressed up more often.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” Momo simpered, feeling the warmth in her cheeks as she allowed her gaze to settle on Jihyo’s exposed shoulders and collarbone. It was a crime how good she looked in her dress.
“There’s this restaurant near my dorm, I know it’s a little bit pricey but, I was thinking for our anniversary that- ” Jihyo paused, her gaze shifting to somewhere past Momo and her expression immediately fell. “ Oh .”
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Momo frowned, Jihyo just gestured lacklusterly to a scene happening behind her.
That faraway look in Jihyo’s eyes had returned again, only this time it was full of nothing but regret and nostalgia. Momo turned around to try and see what had happened, what had caused Jihyo’s whole mood to shift.
There, a mere 3 tables behind them, was a couple in the process of getting engaged; the man down on one knee, a ring box opened in his hand, as his girlfriend sobbed tears of joy and nodded her head frantically. The scene was nothing short of heartwarming, the couple looked truly in love as they embraced each other excitedly - the chorus of people, including Momo, clapping to congratulate them acting as a backing track to their wonderful moment.
Everyone else in the restaurant looked happy for them, people gushing to their partners about how good the couple looked together and how excited they were on their behalf. And yet, Jihyo looked like she was about to cry; her lip quivering and her eyes losing all their sparkle as she continued to stare at the couple long after they’d returned to their seats.
Something was wrong, but in classic Jihyo fashion she was rising from her seat, muttering an excuse about needing to use the bathroom before Momo could ask what was wrong.
And just like that, their romantic spell was broken and dinner had been ruined.
Jihyo wasn’t right, she hadn’t been for a while now but Momo had tried so hard to ignore the signs so she could stay in her naive fantasy world where everything was perfect. That strange sad look had found its way onto Jihyo’s features far too often recently, it seemed no matter how much effort Momo put in to being the dream girlfriend, she couldn’t stop Jihyo from looking miserable. All she wanted, all Momo had ever wanted was for Jihyo to be happy but she couldn’t make her happy - nothing she was doing seemed to be enough.
(A part of Momo, a really large part of her, knew exactly why that was, but it was difficult to let go when you keep getting given excuses and reasons to be selfish)
There Jihyo was, lying curled up in a tiny ball on their bed, eyes glued to her phone screen as if she were staring at a still image. It was a sight Momo had grown familiar with over the past few weeks, but it still never failed to make her heart clench and a lump form in her throat. But then Jihyo would turn to face her and smile, that small and shy smile that portrayed so many different thoughts and feelings - but each and every one boiled down to Jihyo tirelessly trying to convince Momo, and likely herself, that everything was okay, that she was happy.
It was exhausting, Momo was exhausted and she knew Jihyo was too. They were both trying so hard to be happy, to make everything work, but there was something stopping them. At first she’d thought everything would be solved once Jihyo admitted that she’d met her soulmate, laid her heart out in front of Momo and told her earnestly that she truly loved Momo more than she loved her soulmate - Momo had known things would still be somewhat difficult afterwards, but she’d expected it to slowly get easier.
But, there was something else. Deep down Momo had known from the second Jihyo admitted to having a soulmate that that wasn’t the only problem, because Jihyo hadn’t been right since just before christmas.
Contrary to popular belief, despite what many of her friends would joke and strangers would assume, Momo wasn’t stupid - far from it in fact - she knew who Jihyo’s soulmate was, or at least had a relatively good idea of who it was. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself it wasn’t true, try to hold onto some sort of hope that Jihyo’s soulmate was just some stranger she’d met and kissed before she’d even met Momo, she knew in her heart what the truth was.
Part of her wanted to be angry at them for not telling her, but another part of her ultimately understood why they didn’t; had she been in either one’s position she was near certain she would’ve done exactly the same thing, even knowing how much the inevitable fallout hurt, being a coward was still always the easiest decision.
Even now, even after finding out what she did and knowing how many people were hurting and would be hurt as a result of her actions; Momo kept allowing herself to be a coward.
“Baby?”
Momo startled slightly, she hadn’t realised she’d just been stood staring into space for an undetermined amount of time, but based on the way Jihyo was eyeing her curiously she’d been stood there a while.
“Shit sorry, I was just thinking.” Momo mumbled tiredly, shaking her head slightly and pressing her palm against her forehead. “Got lost in thought, forgot where I was.”
“Is everything okay?” Jihyo inquired softly, her eyes were wide with worry and it made Momo feel sick.
“ I feel like I should be asking you that, not like you’ll even answer me. ” Momo grumbled under her breath, voice barely audible but the bitter tone was unmistakable.
“Sorry?” Jihyo frowned, sitting up slightly as if to aid her in hearing Momo better.
“Don’t worry, it’s not important. I’m just… I’m really tired Hyo.” Momo sighed sadly and Jihyo’s gaze immediately softened into once laced with guilt. “Maybe we should call it a night, get a good night sleep so we’re well rested for tomorrow?”
“Momo, it’s not even 10pm, are you really that tired?” Jihyo queried quietly, there was a double meaning to her question - it was unspoken, but Momo was certain they both knew what it was.
“It’s been a long day, what with us having to get up really early to catch the bus and traveling for hours, I’m just really drained of energy today.” Momo explained, that small pang of frustration in her chest worsened as the remorseful look remained on Jihyo’s face. She just wanted Jihyo to stop apologising. “You’ve got loads of plans for tomorrow, I’d hate it if I was too tired to want to do any of them.”
“You’re probably right, it has been a really long day.” Jihyo agreed, nodding slightly as she continued to eye Momo cautiously.
Momo just smiled as convincingly as she could muster, but she could feel her eyelids drooping - she knew she just looked exhausted. She sluggishly got undressed, took off all her makeup and pulled on her pyjama shorts and sleep shirt, clumsily clambering into bed whilst still making sure she didn’t accidentally fall on top of Jihyo.
The bed was warm, just as warm as she remembered it being that afternoon and Momo was seriously questioning if she wanted to ever leave this bed at all. At least this one was big enough to fit them both comfortably, compared to Jihyo’s cramped twin bed, and wasn’t within the coldest apartment known to mankind. At least in this room, in that moment, she could wrap her arms around Jihyo’s middle and hold her close for as long as she wanted.
She wished the guilt didn’t persist.
“Tomorrow is going to be a good day, I can feel it.” Jihyo sighed sleepily, shifting so she was more securely pressed against Momo. “Tomorrow everything will be back to normal, how it should be.”
And god, Momo wanted to believe her so badly, but there was just something in her gut that told her not to.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Jihyo didn’t sleep at all that night.
Only an hour after Momo ‘fell asleep’, Jihyo was already delicately prying herself free of Momo’s hold on her and getting out of bed - just like she did when they slept at her dorm. Momo didn’t dare open her eyes, choosing to feign sleep, but she could hear Jihyo’s soft footsteps as she padded up and down the length of their room, muttering to herself and crying near silently.
Momo could feel her heart breaking as she listened to Jihyo’s muted sobs, tried so hard to not let Jihyo know she was awake and listening. It was cruel and selfish of her, and the worst part of it all was that she knew she was being selfish. But it was easier to pretend she couldn’t hear her girlfriend crying than get out of bed and do something about it.
Pretend she didn’t hear the muttered pleas Jihyo cried, ignore how she begged to be a good person.
She wanted so badly to make everything okay, but now wasn’t the time to do that. The middle of the night wasn’t the right time for Momo to stop being a coward and do the right thing, so instead she just lay there and listened to Jihyo cry for hours on end.
And then, when morning came, it was almost scarily easy for Jihyo to pretend she’d slept the whole night and gotten a good night's rest. And it was equally easy for Momo to do the exact same.
Jihyo crashed after breakfast, the lack of sleep and general stress of living catching up to her and meaning the second her head hit the pillow she was already fast asleep. Even with the sunlight streaming through their parted curtains, illuminating their room and filling it with warmth, Jihyo still slept soundly - and that was how Momo knew just how tired Jihyo actually was.
She’d always used to be so light sensitive when sleeping, would immediately awaken and complain the second sunlight struck her face. But now, it was as if Jihyo could sleep through literally anything when she crashed out. It was almost endearing, Momo had always loved watching Jihyo sleep - she looked so precious and small with her face scrunched up and her eyes squeezed shut - but now it just kind of made Momo feel guilty and worried.
Jihyo had always had a habit of muttering in her sleep, before she’d just muttered nonsensical things, but now she slept silently.
There were a lot of changes happening in her life, Momo had never felt so out of control and lost in her whole life, but she’d always kind of hoped that Jihyo would remain the same - that she’d keep all her cute little quirks that had helped make Momo fall in love with her in the first place - but she’d been painfully naive, and it was becoming impossible to ignore that Jihyo wasn’t the same anymore; Jihyo was changing too, but not for the better.
Momo knew she needed to grow up, she was acting childish clinging onto everything she knew she couldn’t have but the thought of letting go seemed impossible. All she wanted was a sign from Jihyo she was doing the right thing, that was all she needed; but that seemed to be one of the countless things that just weren’t possible.
Because she wasn’t doing the right thing, everyone knew it, even her, but the thought of admitting it and accepting defeat was one she wasn’t ready to take.
All she wanted was for everyone to be happy, but the more she thought about it, the less that seemed possible. It really was just a matter of who she wanted to be happy more, and it was almost too easy to be selfish. But then she looked over at their bed and saw Jihyo sleeping so soundly, curled up into a tiny ball with the bedsheets pulled tight around her - and suddenly everything got a little bit clearer.
In all the countless times she’d watched Jihyo sleep, she’d never seen Jihyo look so small and vulnerable. But, maybe that was just because she was finally taking off her rose tinted glasses.
“Jihyo, can we talk?” Momo called out to her girlfriend the second she reentered their room, Jihyo had slept the whole day so Momo had gone for a walk so as to not disturb her. “Jihyo?”
“One second, I’m just in the bathroom.” Jihyo responded, pushing the bathroom door open to peak her head through and look at Momo - she looked better, actually sleeping seeming to have helped her. "I'm just getting ready for dinner, I was thinking we head over a bit earlier and than we went yesterday so we can go for a nice evening walk afterwards?”
“Can you come out here for a second because I think this is more of a face-to-face conversation, I was planning on talking to you earlier but then you were just so tired and slept all day,” Momo rambled pausing to take a deep breath when Jihyo fully emerged from the bathroom, her eyebrows raised in confusion and lips parted slightly, “but, Jihyo, what the hell happened at dinner last night?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I thought dinner last night went fine - the meal was really nice and you looked beautiful, I don’t understand what you’re getting at.” Jihyo shrugged nonchalantly, but Momo tell from how she immediately averted her gaze and swallowed thickly that she was lying.
“Do you want me to start with how you got really strange about how I forgave you for everything, almost as if you wanted me to still be angry with you, or how you freaked out and left the second you saw a couple get engaged? Because I’m fine with talking about either one.” Momo offered, her tone harsher than intended but she couldn’t help herself. She just wanted answers. “You’ve been acting off for months Jihyo, and I know it’s not just about your soulmate, I just want to know what’s going on so I can fix it.”
“You don’t have to fix everything Momo, you can’t fix everything and it’s not fair to demand information from me like that.” Jihyo snapped immediately, but her tone was wavering and weak - as if she was uncertain. “Sometimes people go through off periods, I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m trying to be better and get back to normal.”
“I just want to know what’s going on in your life, because it feels like information is being deliberately kept from me and that’s not fair, Jihyo.” Momo pleaded tiredly, sighing outwardly when she saw Jihyo’s jaw clench and her head shake slightly. “I know I can’t fix everything, I’m not that naive, but I just want to be given the chance to at least try and lighten the load slightly. Isn’t that what girlfriends are for?”
“I thought it’d already been established we’re not exactly conventional girlfriends.” Jihyo scoffed quietly, still doing everything to avoid looking in Momo’s eyes. “There’s just some things that I need to sort out myself because it’s just not fair to get you involved. I’m trying to deal with them myself, it’s just some days are harder than others.”
“How am I supposed to help on those hard days if you won’t tell me how?” Momo stressed tirelessly, placing a hand on Jihyo’s shoulder to twist her whole body so they were facing each other.
“There’s nothing you can do, Momo, and that’s what fucking sucks the most. I don’t want to hurt you, telling you about this problem before I’ve got it sorted is only going to hurt both of us - that’s the last thing I want to do.” Jihyo mumbled sadly, she was trying not to cry - Momo could tell by how she was crinkling her nose and staring unblinking at the ground. “I don’t want to have this discussion now, can we please just go to dinner and talk after?”
“So you can shut down after seeing a couple be romantic again? No, Jihyo we need to talk now or we won’t ever.” Momo shook her head firmly, she was putting her foot down now.
“Momo.”
“You do not get to withhold information that affects our relationship just because you’re worried it ‘might’ hurt me, that’s not how you have a healthy relationship, it’s toxic.”
“Momo, please, you don’t understand.”
“How am I supposed to understand if you don’t tell me anything . All I want, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, and right now I can tell that you’re not. I don’t know how to make you happy again Jihyo, it’s killing me already knowing just how miserable you are.” Momo emphasised pleadingly. “Neither of us are doing okay Jihyo, and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Please .”
It was a lie, a blatant lie she knew exactly what she needed to do to make everything better but Momo was still holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that Jihyo would choose her again - tell her she still wanted her no matter what, that she still believed ‘soulmates’ were bullshit. But Jihyo was sat on the bed now, looking up at Momo with wide desperate eyes, and she already knew she’d lost the war.
“Momo, please .” Jihyo hiccuped, tears streaming over her cheeks as she shook her head emphatically. “ Please don’t make me say it, the second I say it everything becomes real and I can’t pretend anymore. I just need a little bit more time to pretend my life isn’t changing, I just want one more day to pretend everything is normal and I don’t have to change. Please, Momo, I don’t want to admit it’s happening to you.”
“Jihyo…” Momo sighed, kneeling down so they were face to face as she took both of Jihyo’s hands in her own. “We can’t pretend anymore, this isn’t healthy.”
“Momo, my parents are getting a divorce.” Jihyo choked out, her breathing erratic as tears continued to spill from her eyes. “I was trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, I tried so hard to convince myself that this was temporary and they’d just get back together but they’re not, they’re not getting back together Momo. They don’t love each other anymore, my parents aren’t in love and it hurts so much .”
Tears were rolling over Momo’s cheeks before she could even think to try and stop them, a small part of her had expected this - but she’d been so convinced that her and Jihyo would just follow in Jihyo’s parents footsteps she’d not wanted to believe it could be true. And it was seeming as though Jihyo had the exact same belief.
Momo couldn’t fix this.
Jihyo had been right, this really did fucking hurt .
“You’re going to be okay, Jihyo.” Momo hushed her as convincingly as she could muster, her own tears and shattering heart were making it admittedly difficult. “Maybe not right now, maybe not for a while, but you will. You’re going to grow from this and learn how to deal with it, give it a few years and you'll be able to make jokes about it, you’re the bravest person I know.”
“Clearly you don’t know many people, because I’m just about the biggest coward there is.” Jihyo scoffed incredulously, breaking out into a coughing fit as she choked on her tears.
“You are brave Jihyo, you’ve been going through this alone for so long. But god why didn’t you tell me sooner, I wish you’d told me sooner because then I could’ve helped.” Momo consoled Jihyo as best as she could, as if her own heart wasn’t shattering into a million pieces.
“You know why.” Jihyo blubbered, hiccuping as she tried desperately to regulate her breathing. “Momo, you know exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Jihyo- ”
“My whole life I grew up thinking I was some kind of poster child for the argument against soulmates, my whole belief system was based around them and how fucking proud I was of them for going against what everyone wanted for them and marrying even though they weren’t soulmates - ‘proving’ you could be in love and make it work even if you weren’t soulmates.” Jihyo interrupted before Momo could continue, she was blubbering like a baby and stumbling over all of her words as she tried to speak.
This was it. All Momo could do was squeeze Jihyo’s hands that bit tighter as everything fell apart.
“And I was wrong, it was all wrong because they fell out of love so easily . It was so quick, so sudden and so easy , Momo. They couldn’t make it work, the two people I admire the most in the whole world couldn’t make it work, they couldn’t make love stick forever.” Jihyo bawled, tears flooding down her cheeks as she ugly cried - Momo had never seen Jihyo cry so hard before, and she knew the image was going to stay with her for her whole life. “I thought that if I ignored it, buried it down and tried to never uncover it that I could persuade myself that I could do it differently - that we weren’t going to end up like them because I’d already met my soulmate.”
Jihyo paused to cry harder and the words she wanted to say remained unspoken, Momo ran her thumb over Jihyo’s knuckles soothingly and sucked in a deep breath before mustering the strength to speak.
“But we’re not going to be any different because you’ve already met your soulmate.” Momo finished for her hoarsely, the way Jihyo nodded made her want to throw up.
“M-Momo, I love you s-so much.” Jihyo practically panted, and Momo almost wanted to laugh at how meaningless those words were now.
“But, you love her too, don’t you?”
Jihyo’s entire body was wracked with sobs as she wailed, squeezing Momo’s hands so hard to the point it hurt beyond belief - but Momo just felt numb.
“Momo I’m s-so s-s-sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” Jihyo sobbed, Momo could practically hear the guilt and shame dripping from her voice. “I tried so hard not to fall for her, I tried so hard but I’m too weak and I let it happen and I’m just so sorry.”
“Stop apologising.”
“Momo, I'm- ”
“Jihyo. Stop apologising.” Momo interjected before Jihyo could say anything, apologises weren’t what she needed to hear - they weren’t going to stop her heart from breaking any further. “All I want, all I’ve ever wanted and all I will ever want is for you to be happy; because you deserve all the happiness in the fucking world, Jihyo. But I’m not the person who’s supposed to make you happy.”
Wide, tear-filled eyes were burning into her soul, ripping her heart to shreds but still Momo found the strength to continue.
“You are the love of my life Jihyo, but I’m not yours. We both know who is.” Momo muttered. “I know Sana is your soulmate Jihyo.”
“Momo, I’m so- ”
“Don’t apologise, really, it’s not your fault. You didn’t choose for this to happen.” Momo reassured her softly, choking back a sob as she shook her head calmly, ignoring how her tears continued to roll over her cheeks. “But, I need to stop being selfish, no matter how much I love you - how much this is killing me - you are not meant to be mine, Jihyo.”
“But what if I want to be?” Jihyo mumbled dejectedly.
“You don’t. At least, you won’t forever.” Momo shook her head slowly. “But, you’re always going to love Sana - and she’s always going to love you.”
"So this is it, we're breaking up." Jihyo hiccuped, nodding to herself firmly as if she was trying to convince herself. "It's all over just like that."
"This is it." Momo confirmed gently, nodding slowly as the sadness radiated throughout her whole body.
"The worst part is that I knew this was coming, I knew that I was going to have to bite the bullet and let go eventually - but I just wanted one more weekend where I could pretend everything was as it was before Halloween." Jihyo croaked, sniffing as she tried to stop the tears from flowing. "God, all I wanted was one more romantic weekend but I couldn't even manage that without ruining everything."
"Jihyo, you're okay. We'll be okay in due time." Momo tried to console her, as if she didn't feel sick with heartbreak. “We just… we just need time.”
“Momo, I’m sorry.” Jihyo whimpered. “I never wanted this to happen, I really did want to be with you forever.”
“I know, Jihyo. It’s okay.” Momo sighed, pulling Jihyo into a hug. This really was it. “For what it’s worth, you really did make me happy.”
“You made me happy too.” Jihyo whispered sadly. “But I guess, sometimes, good things have to come to an end.”
The room was in silence as they just held each other, all Momo could hear was the quiet sound of Jihyo’s breathing and the steady beat of her heart; it hurt more than she ever imagined to know this was probably the last time she was ever going to be with Jihyo like this - she was never going to get to hold Jihyo this close and intimately again - at least for a while.
It really was over.
Jihyo gently pulled away from the embrace after about a minute and stood up from the bed, wiped her eyes and started to quietly move around the room gathering up her things whilst Momo just sat and watched, trying to find the ability to speak.
“I’m going to pack up my things and get the next bus home, I know it’s late but I just can’t stay here. I’m sorry Momo but I can’t, and I know you need your space too.” Jihyo answered her unspoken question, her voice rough and weak.
Momo just nodded mutely, letting Jihyo pack in silence - a stark contrast to the loud sobs that had wracked through the whole room not that long ago. There was a single question that continued to burn on Momo’s tongue, she was itching to say it but the answer scared her.
“I think that’s all my things, if you find anything else give it to Nayeon and she’ll pass it along.” Jihyo muttered, zipping her suitcase shut and pulling her coat over her small frame. “I’m really sorry it had to end like this Momo, I don’t think I’ll ever stop apologising because I’ll never stop feeling guilty.”
“I’m sorry too.” Momo swallowed thickly. "Are you going to see Sana tonight?"
"No, not yet." Jihyo shook her head tiredly. "I will, I… I miss her and I know I have to talk to her, but I think I need just a couple days to let- to let this all sink in before I do."
"I understand, I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from you." Momo cleared her throat stiltedly.
It wasn’t like her heart could get anymore broken anyway.
“Can I ask you something?” Momo inquired cautiously, having waited until the second before Jihyo opened the door to leave.
“Of course.” Jihyo nodded, releasing her grip on the door handle momentarily. “What is it?”
“How long?” Momo asked simply, her voice cracking slightly. “How long have you loved her?”
Jihyo frowned, shuffling awkwardly and staring down at her feet. “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?”
“Yeah, I think I do.”
Jihyo paused for thought, toying her bottom lip between her teeth before answering. “New Year’s Eve, when I saw her eyes in colour for the very first time - it felt like I was seeing a whole new person for the first time, and my heart nearly lept out of my chest.”
“Why didn’t you, y’know, be with her sooner?”
“Because I was scared.” Jihyo muttered wistfully, her voice still rough from crying as she sniffed sadly. “Scared of things changing and her not loving me back.”
“Sana loves you so much, Jihyo.”
“I know. It just took me a while to realise, and then took me even longer to let myself believe it.” Jihyo sighed sadly, shooting Momo one last tearful gaze and lopsided smile. "Goodbye Momo."
Momo just nodded, not trusting her voice anymore, and waved Jihyo off as she left. It was only when she heard the door had clicked shut and Jihyo’s footsteps were no longer audible that Momo allowed herself to fully break.
She’d done the right thing, Momo knew it had to be done, but god it really fucking hurt.
A bed had never felt so cold, no matter how many layers Momo piled on over her pyjamas, she’d never felt so cold and empty in her whole life; learning to sleep without Jihyo in her arms was going to feel like learning to breathe again - she couldn’t believe she’d let herself get addicted to the way it felt, the sweet smell of her shampoo and the steady sound of her breathing. Something in her chest was pleading with her to pick up the phone and beg for Jihyo to come back, but then her head knew that Jihyo wouldn’t. She’d given Jihyo an out and she’d taken it.
It was what Jihyo had needed to do, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.
The bitter pill to swallow was the knowledge that she’d lost Jihyo over a month ago, Jihyo had been in love with her soulmate since New Year’s eve and stayed with her all this time because she’d been too afraid of change and accepting that she’d changed and Sana had changed with her. Momo wondered how this had affected Sana, if she’d known that Jihyo loved her back or if she’d had no idea.
She wondered how long Sana had been in love with Jihyo, if it had been her own fault they’d fallen for each other - her countless attempts to get them to be friends having come back to hurt her - or if it had just happened as the universe had wanted. She wondered what Jihyo was thinking about that minute, if she was thinking about her or Sana, if she’d told Sana about their breakup yet or if she was waiting for the morning to tell her.
A thousand thoughts running through her head, and not a single one resolvable, her heart too broken and her head too distracted. But Momo still knew too things for certain: she’d done the right thing letting Jihyo go, and she really needed to be held in someone’s arms and be told she was worthy of love.
There really was only one phone number she could call, but calling them at 3am felt like a bad idea - the last thing she wanted to do was disturb them - no matter how badly she needed them right now.
So Momo lay in bed, stared up at the ceiling, pictured all the ways her life was going to change now, and waited for the sun to rise.
Sana woke up on Sunday with a familiar tightness in her chest that had persisted the whole weekend, she was almost getting used to it by now, it was a feeling she’d never really felt much in the past and whilst it was uncomfortable it didn’t make her feel sad persé - just strange. It was as if she was anticipating something, similar to the feeling of adrenaline and anxiety she got before an exam but more intense, the feeling spreading across the entire body but most concentrated in her chest.
But, Sana wasn’t expecting anything; Momo and Jihyo weren’t supposed to return until later that night, and all she was ‘expecting’ from that return was nothing at all. Her last conversation with Momo had been difficult and left her feeling nothing but emptiness, that hollow feeling of loss and regret she felt every time she thought of Momo - only now it felt permanent, like she’d lost Momo for good and it now it made her feel sick.
She glanced over at her phone and checked the time, it was just past 11am - the latest she’d slept in for weeks, generally just the most sleep she’d gotten in months . This morning just felt different, the air felt new, almost clearer, but Sana couldn’t place what exactly had changed.
Perhaps it was the prolonged silence that had plagued her life the past few days finally getting to her head, making her go stir crazy, or maybe it was something else.
The whole weekend Sana had felt off, with the tightness in her chest keeping a hold on her the whole time Momo and Jihyo had been away. Her initial reaction had been to chalk it up to simple combination jealousy and longing, but the more she dwelled on it and tried to fixate on the feeling, the more different it felt.
One thing was for certain however, this had been one of the longest weekends of her life.
Sana missed Jihyo every second of everyday, so much it was almost making her lose all sense and reasoning, because she'd managed to convince herself that Jihyo might miss her too.
The only silver lining to a weekend of anxiously awaiting Momo and Jihyo’s return was that Sana hadn’t been in agony once. Despite the couple being on a romantic Valentine’s getaway, not once had Sana been subjected to the sheer agony that she felt whenever Momo and Jihyo had sex; or at least, the pain she felt whenever Jihyo thought of her during sex. Thus, either the couple hadn’t had sex once the whole weekend, or Jihyo wasn’t thinking about her at all. Sana was really hoping it was the former and not the latter.
There was a knock at her bedroom door and Sana frowned to herself, Jeongyeon was staying with Mina until Monday as per Sana’s request, she’d initially wanted the weekend to herself but had very quickly grown to regret that decision, and Momo was still in Seoraksan.
“Who is it?” Sana queried cautiously, leaning over to grab her weighty book off her bedside table to use in defence incase it was an attacker.
“It’s Jeongyeon.” Jeongyeon’s chirpy voice rang out loud and clear.
“Come in.” Sana sighed and called out to Jeongyeon, rolling her eyes slightly at the girl as she peeked her head through the doorway with a wide grin. “What are you doing here, Jeong? I thought you promised to stay at Mina’s dorm all weekend?”
“Well, Mina and I are going out for Sunday brunch and we thought you should tag along.” Jeongyeon smiled proudly, and Sana immediately knew it was her idea to invite her along - and that she definitely had an ulterior reasoning to just casual brunch. “There’s this really nice little café like 10 minutes from here, they do great brunch. C’mon, I know for a fact you want a mimosa.”
“I appreciate the offer,” Sana started, sighing at how Jeongyeon’s face fell immediately, “but I’m not in the mood for brunch, I’ll sit this one out. Have fun on your date.”
“You need to leave the apartment, it’s not healthy for you to stay cooped up in here all by yourself, please come with us - Mina is paying the whole cheque too so you don’t have to worry about money!” Jeongyeon pressed, moving further into Sana’s room and taking a seat at her desk - this wasn’t going to be an easy ‘no’. “Sana, Mina and I are worried about you - please come to brunch with us.”
“Jeong, I love you and I really do appreciate your concern, but I’m fine - you don’t need to drag me out on your dates.” Sana tried her best to reassure her, but it was blatantly obvious Jeongyeon wasn’t about to take no for an answer and she wasn’t convinced by her reassurance.
“Have you left the apartment at all this weekend?” Jeongyeon asked simply, but the way she was eyeing Sana showed that she already knew the answer.
“Well, no, but- ”
“You can’t shut yourself away from the rest of the world forever Sana, I know how easy it is to do that, but it’s not the right thing to do.” Jeongyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I know you’re having a really shitty weekend, I know it must be difficult for you having to know Jihyo is having a romantic weekend away with Momo, but- ”
“What makes you think I give a shit what Jihyo does with Momo.” Sana interrupted with a scoff, recoiling in faux disbelief.
“Sana, stop it.”
“What do you mean ‘ stop’ , Momo and Jihyo are girlfriends - why would I be upset they’re having a romantic weekend away together.” Sana shrugged as coolly as she could, but her tone was harsh and her jaw clenched. She really was a bad liar. “It’s not like Jihyo is my soulmate or anything, why the fuck would I be pissed off or upset that she’s having a romantic Valentine’s getaway with my best friend?”
“Sana, you’re allowed to be angry.” Jeongyeon answered sympathetically, Sana’s lip quivered and the spell was broken. “Fuck, I would’ve been beyond furious if Mina had dated anyone else after finding out I was her soulmate. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re dealing with, and I know there really isn’t anything I can do to fix it but I just hate seeing you pull away like this. Sana, you’re still one of our closest friends, we still love you and want you around.”
“Why? All I’ve done is fuck up and take it all out on other people?” Sana grumbled, eyes welling up with tears.
“People make mistakes, it happens, that doesn’t mean we stop liking you.” Jeongyeon chuckled softly, standing up from her seat and stretching. “If you still want to be our friend, we are always going to want to be yours. No matter what happens between you and Momo and Jihyo, you’re always going to be a friend to Mina and I, and there’s no fucking way Nayeon could ever hate you with the sheer number of times you’ve gotten her laid.”
Sana laughed quietly to herself, sniffling as she delicately dabbed at her eyes, Jeongyeon just watching her silently with that trademarked smirk on her face, before looking down at her phone and laughing out loud.
“Mina texted me, Nayeon is coming too and there’s no way you want to miss Nayeon getting messy drunk before noon off mimosa’s.” Jeongyeon giggled, looking at Sana pointedly as if asking her a silent question. “You coming?”
“Yeah.” Sana smiled shyly, wiping at her eyes and clambering out of bed. “Just give me time to get ready.”
Jeongyeon smiled at her proudly, shoving her phone in her pocket and pulling Sana into a tight hug that Sana melted into instantly. “We’ve really missed you Sana, never forget how much we love you.”
“I won’t.” Sana whispered contentedly, before pulling at Jeongyeon’s jumper gently. “Now let me go before you crush me.”
Having a constant in her life was something Sana had never really realised she’d been missing until her and Jeongyeon met up with Mina and Nayeon at brunch. After having spent the last few months having to rapidly adjust to all of the changes she had been going through, Sana had almost forgotten what it felt like to have everything feel like nothing had changed. There was no lingering pang of discomfort and jealousy in her stomach, her chest wasn’t aching from heartbreak and her head felt genuinely clear.
The awkwardness she’d been expecting as a result of her outburst at Momo the week before wasn’t there, the conversation had just flowed as it had never even happened - there hadn’t been a single second where Sana had felt like she didn’t belong - and for the first time in a long time, Sana genuinely believed that she might be okay if she had to live the rest of her life that, as long as she felt like she had people in her corner maybe Sana could cope with being without Jihyo.
Nayeon got drunk on bottomless mimosas within the first 30 minutes of getting there, having been a victim to Jeongyeon’s peer pressure and her own desperation to prove that she could handle her drink (she could not). It got to the point where Mina had needed to beg the waiter to cut her off and not let her have anymore, pointedly ignoring Nayeon’s very loud complaints and Jeongyeon’s near hysterical laughter. Despite Mina nearly having an aneurysm and Nayeon almost getting alcohol poisoning, it was still the perfect morning/afternoon - already the best day Sana had had in awhile.
It was a shame that it would inevitably be ruined by Momo and Jihyo’s return that evening.
Sana texted Jeongyeon the entire walk back to the apartment, brushing off Jeongyeon’s proficient apologies for her not being able to go back with her; part of her knew that she really needed to face whatever was going to happen that evening by herself - there was no way Jeongyeon was going to be able to help, and she didn’t want her to be stuck in the middle.
The cold air nipped at her skin as she briskly walked back to their apartment, but she didn’t hate the feeling. She passed the 7/11 where she’d run into Jihyo that cold night in November, the night she first saw the colour orange and the last time Sana saw Jihyo before she went home for her sister’s birthday. It was near baffling just how much had changed in such a short space of time, like how her chest no longer ached at the sight of the convenience store, Sana no longer felt sick as she recalled that memory.
Something had changed, but she didn’t know what. She hadn’t passed that 7/11 in weeks, but it had always hurt her to see it before, but now it made her chest tighten in anticipation again. Before she had time to dwell on it any further, their apartment building came into view and all Sana could think about was getting home and getting warm.
Something was wrong, and Sana noticed it the second she crossed the threshold from the hallway into the apartment; the atmosphere was different, heavier almost, thick with this tension as if there had just been a huge argument - but she’d left the apartment empty, and it was barely 3pm so Momo shouldn’t be back yet.
Something was different, physically; Sana let her gaze drift around the living area and tried to pin down what was missing, but she couldn’t tell. It was nothing big enough to be immediately noticeable, but still it was enough to make her feel anxious and have her eyes scanning every single inch of the apartment trying to isolate what had changed. It just felt like someone had been there whilst she was gone.
Her initial worry was that they’d been robbed while she was out, but all their valuables were still there and there wasn’t any sign that someone had broken in beyond a gut feeling. So, Sana let her guard drop, chalked it up to paranoia and stress, calmly slipped her shoes off and padded down the corridor towards her bedroom; swinging the door open and halting in her tracks the second their eyes locked.
Momo was sat on her bed, a large suitcase next to her and tears rolling over her cheeks.
Something was wrong.
“Momo? What are you doing here?” Sana questioned, spluttering in disbelief as she tried to comprehend what was happening. “I could’ve sworn you were getting the late bus back tonight?”
Momo didn’t say anything, just shifted her gaze to her lap and exhaled deeply - her whole body shaking as she tried to regulate her breathing. It almost felt as though Sana was staring into a mirror, watching herself in third person, given the sheer number of times she’d found herself in a similar state to Momo; Sana wanted to say something, but she just didn’t know what.
“Momo?” Sana tried again and Momo just pressed her face against her hands and released a loud sob, Sana immediately sprung into action and raced to sit down next to her, pulling her into an embrace. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“ God , Sana, I’m just so sorry.” Momo wept pitifully, hiccuping as her sobs got louder and louder. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“What? I don’t understand.” Sana frowned, a mixture of perplexed yet ever so slightly hopeful. “What are you apologising for?”
“For everything .” Momo spluttered, shaking violently in Sana’s arms as she tried to compose herself enough to talk. “God, I knew everything and I still tried to hold onto her, I just let you get hurt.”
“I don’t- ”
“Sana, I knew you and her were soulmates - I guessed it the second you had that outburst and yelled at me last week - and I decided to take her away for the weekend to try to hold onto her, because I didn’t want to lose her.” Momo sobbed, Sana took deep breaths, not wanting to cry, and let Momo keep speaking. “But I was so selfish and naive and fucking stupid because I lost her months ago, I just didn’t know that I had.”
“Momo, you didn’t lose anything.” Sana consoled her gently, swallowing her pride and the lump in her throat - trying to not sound as bitter as she felt. “She chose you, remember? I’m the one who lost her.”
“She didn’t choose me, she chose getting to play pretend for one more weekend before facing reality. And we didn’t even get one more weekend.” Momo croaked, shaking her head slowly and miserably. “I don’t know why I let myself hope she’d pick me, there was always only one option for her and it was never me.”
“What are you saying?” Sana asked carefully, her voice hesitant and cautious - her heart saying one thing but her head saying another.
“We broke up.” Momo whimpered hopelessly, Sana had never felt so guilty for being so relieved. “We had this huge fight last night because she was doing that thing again where she pretends everything is fine, but then freaks out and recoils at the strangest of triggers; and she refused to just tell me why and I just got tired.”
“Was it to do with her parents?”
“Yeah… this couple got engaged at dinner and it sent her on this spiral. I knew it was over the second she told me they were divorcing.” Momo mumbled mournfully, seemingly unphased at how Sana already knew about her parents, sighing when Sana squeezed her tighter. “I’ve never seen anyone cry so hard Sana, it broke me seeing her like that and I knew that I was only making it worse.”
“Well… what now?” Sana inquired attentively, her heart rate picking up when Momo pulled back from their embrace and looked her in the eyes. “What happens next?”
“You know what happens next Sana. You don’t need to act like it’s not obvious, I was never supposed to be hers - she was never mine.” Momo murmured forlornly, gently interlocking their hands and squeezing as she tried to shoot Sana her most convincing smile. “What happens now is simple.”
There was this unspoken clause that came with their breakup, and not knowing what it was made Sana feel sick to her stomach; she knew it wasn’t going to be what she wanted.
“Momo, I could never put you through that.” Sana was quick to object, no matter how much pain she’d been in the past few months because she wasn’t with her soulmate, she didn’t want to make Momo feel miserable in her own home - like she had felt. “I can move out, give you some space. I’ll sleep on Nayeon’s floor for a while, or even Mina’s, I’m sure they won’t mind. If that’s what you need - space - just say the word.”
Momo just scoffed lightly and stared at her lap, tears still silently streaming over her cheeks as she toyed with her bottom lip. Sana really didn’t want to hear what she had to say next, the way she was fiddling with the handle of her suitcase was telling her everything and now Sana couldn’t stand to hear the rest.
“You’re right, I do need space. But I’m never going to get enough if I stay here, I’m surrounded by mementos and reminders of her. How am I supposed to heal here?” Momo muttered, Sana could feel the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. “I called my mom this morning and she recommended I take the rest of the semester off, go back to Kyoto and get over her. She’s been on the phone with the school board all morning, and I think they’re going to let me do it because my grades are good.”
“Momo… please don’t leave.” Sana cried softly. “What if you don’t come back?”
“Then you’ll be free to be happy with your soulmate without having to worry about how I’m feeling, you won’t have to feel so guilty about being in love.” Momo hushed her gently, speaking as if she wasn’t also in tears. “But, I just can’t be here right now - any reminder of her just makes me ache, and right now you remind me of her.”
“What am I supposed to do without you?” Sana hiccuped, bottom lip quivering as she wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve.
“Well, for starters, be happy, you won.” Momo giggled teasingly, Sana simply rolled her eyes and scoffed. “I’m serious Sana, you won - you got your soulmate! I’m happy for you.”
“Does she even want me back, though? She still doesn’t even believe in soulmates.” Sana mumbled dejectedly and stared at her lap.
Both her hands were clasped tightly, Momo squeezing them slightly to get Sana to look her in the eyes.
“Sana, you have no idea just how badly Jihyo loves you.” Momo told her earnestly, the telltale waiver to her voice telling Sana just how much it hurt for Momo to admit it. “Give her a little while to heal, but that girl adores you - she was just too scared to admit it.”
After Momo left, getting in a taxi to go to the airport as Sana sobbed near hysterically, Sana spent no more than 5 minutes in their apartment before leaving again. It had never felt so empty, and no matter how happy and excited Sana knew she should feel that Jihyo was single and actually in love with her - all her mind could fixate on was how Momo was gone again - and this time she genuinely had no idea if she’d come back.
She’d walked around the city for an hour before breaking down and admitting to herself that she needed to talk to someone - she needed someone to distract her from how complicated her head and heart felt.
Both her head and her heart always felt like they were at war, always at opposite ends of the spectrum; her head telling her to meet with one person, but her heart telling her to call up someone different. She knew which was the right option, but the other truly was an enticing option.
So she called them, arranged to meet for coffee at 5:30pm - labelling the meetup urgent to ensure they wouldn’t try to get out of it.
Sana was early again, her anxiety and restless energy getting the better of her, so there she was, sat awkwardly in the back of her favourite coffee shop - drumming her fingers on her coffee mug as she anxiously waited for the other to get there; she pulled her pink cardigan tighter over her torso, a sudden slight draught cold against her skin. There were so many things she wanted to say to them, so many questions she wanted to ask and she didn’t know where to even begin. Her mind running rampant, still struggling to process everything Momo had told her.
The familiar faint ringing of the doorbell piqued her interest, and Sana immediate instinct was to sit bolt upright under the assumption it was likely them, trying to maneuver herself so she was easier for them to spot.
But, her and Mina had been to this café countless times and they always sat at this exact table, so when Sana went to move so Mina could spot her she was nearly given a heart attack when she saw Mina stood directly in front of her. Her facial expression wasn’t exactly annoyed, but begging Mina to leave her warm dorm room without a proper explanation certainly hadn’t made her happy - and the way her eyebrow was quirked and her gaze remained unreadable, it was clear she was keen for Sana to get to the point.
“Wow Mina! Fancy seeing you here, what a crazy coincidence!” Sana joked lightly, trying to get Mina to crack a smile but the girl merely rolled her eyes.
“What’s going on Sana? Jeongyeon and I were about to start the new season of Stranger Things, and I’m almost certain that if I leave her waiting for too long she’s just gonna start without me.” Mina sighed, taking the seat opposite, leaning back in it slightly and eyeing Sana suspiciously. “What’s happened in the time between brunch and now?”
Sana bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop the involuntary grin from spreading across her features. “Momo and Jihyo broke up.” Sana winced slightly when Mina’s jaw dropped. “Momo was waiting for me in my bedroom back at the apartment, she told me when I got back.”
“Holy shit…” Mina mumbled in shock, sinking further into her chair. “When?”
“Last night, they had a big fight and I guess Momo just realised she couldn’t hold onto Jihyo any longer.” Sana explained coolly, trying to sound nonchalant so to mask how excited yet guilty she felt. “Apparently Jihyo came back from the hotel early as well, Momo said she left pretty much straight after they broke up.”
“God, I really don’t know how to react. I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised but- but I never thought they’d break up so quick .” Mina murmured, running her hands through her hair and releasing a deep exhale. “God, I hope they’re both doing okay.”
“I don’t know how Jihyo is, I was going to reach out but I thought it might be best to give her a couple of days. Didn’t want her getting the wrong impression from me messaging her straight after her breakup.” Sana replied, Mina bobbed her head slightly.
“Yeah, that was probably a good idea. I mean, neither me nor Jeong have heard from her, and Nayeon didn’t mention anything either. Maybe she’s gone into hiding?” Mina offered, Sana simply shrugging in silent uncertainty. “What about Momo, how is she?”
“She’s, uhh- ” Sana paused to clear her throat and gather her thoughts, that dull ache in her chest was back and she had no idea what to say. “She’s really heartbroken, Momo really isn’t doing well at all.”
“What’s she going to do?”
“Well, for starters, she’s currently at the airport to catch a flight back to Japan- ”
“I’m sorry, she’s doing what ?” Mina interrupted, leaning forward to stare at Sana in disbelief.
“She’s going back to Kyoto to heal, because she doesn’t think she can ever heal if she stays in Seoul instead of getting away.” Sana clarified, but from the look on Mina’s face she really wasn’t at all convinced.
“What about classes? Is she just going to skip all of them?” Mina asked, clearly confused.
“I don’t really know what her whole plan is, I think she’s taking a semester off and coming back for the summer term, but I think this was a pretty spur of the moment decision.” Sana winced, the more she thought about Momo the more her whole body just ached . “But, what was I supposed to do? Refuse to let her leave? Make her stay and watch me… spend time with her ex girlfriend? I’ve made a lot of stupid and selfish decisions Mina, but I wasn’t about to force her to go through what I did.”
“Is she going to come back?” Mina queried with uncertainty, as if she herself was afraid of the answer; Sana was too.
“Honestly? I have no idea.” Sana released an unsteady breath, and Mina immediately reacted by reaching over and holding her hand. “I really hope she does.”
“Me too.” Mina hummed. “Now, tell me, what you’re going to do about Jihyo?”
The smile that spread across Sana’s features was involuntary, almost as if it was an instinct, and Mina returned it with an easy smile of her own - the mood shifting almost instantly, and Sana felt something akin to excitement in her heart.
“I don’t know, honestly I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought. I’ve been so busy thinking about Momo leaving, and worrying about her, I never really gave the implications of it all a whole lot of thought.” Sana admitted, she could feel her cheeks flushing slightly. “I’d kind of given up on Jihyo and I ever being together, I really don’t know how to react.”
“It’s what you deserve, what you both deserve.” Mina beamed at her. “If anything, now you get to spend more time with her without feeling heartbroken and knowing that it could go somewhere. I mean, like you said, beforehand you didn’t…”
Mina was talking, she could tell from how she was gesturing and smiling wildly, but Sana couldn’t hear a single word Mina was saying because in that second her ears picked up on that familiar ring of the bell above the door - and her brain just knew it was something worth paying attention to. Sana peered past Mina carefully, not wanting to alert Mina and cause any confusion, but equally curious as to who it was who’d just entered the caé.
In her heart she already knew exactly who it was, she didn’t even need to see them, but the second she caught a glimpse she felt comfort.
It’d been over a week since she’d last seen Jihyo, and Jihyo looked as though she hadn’t slept at all that entire time. Even from where Sana was sat she could see the bags under her eyes, her skin slightly paler and expression neutral - but none of it mattered, because Sana’s heart still fluttered the same when she looked at her.
There was something about the way that Jihyo’s eyes sparkled the second she turned and met Sana’s gaze, something about it that set thousands of butterflies off in Sana’s stomach; something magical about knowing she was the reason that Jihyo was now smiling shyly, a light blush tinting her cheeks as they continued to watch one another. The moment felt strangely intimate and private, despite them being in a coffee shop full of people.
Sana watched Jihyo order, waiting excitedly for Jihyo to turn back around and look at her - it was like she was a teenager in highschool with a crush, she almost felt ridiculous, but she also just didn’t give a single shit.
Now wasn’t the right time for them, Sana was ready to accept that fact for the first time in a while because all she was excited about was knowing that there was likely going to be a right time for her and Jihyo - and she couldn’t wait for them to get there.
Jihyo was staring at her phone screen now, but she was still smiling. Sana pouted to herself as she watched Jihyo accept her order and turn to leave, they hadn’t even spoken to each other - but just seeing Jihyo had been enough and now Sana really didn’t want her to leave. She watched Jihyo shoot her one more winning smile, gesture at her phone shyly before slipping out of the coffee shop.
It was a text, Jihyo had texted her, and Sana couldn’t stop herself from blushing as she read it.
Jihyo [20:44pm]
hi :)
have i ever told you the colour pink
really suits you?