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“Goooood Afternoon Ebott’s Wake! I am Brett ‘The Brett’ Brinkmann here with a special live broadcast bring you all the news that’s fit to eat at the annual Chili Cook Off, here in the lovely Ebott’s Wake Arboretum! With me as always is the irreplaceable DJ Pantz!”
“That’s technically not accurate, I repressed a lot of things.”
“I… I said irreplaceable. As in, we couldn’t replace you.”
“Oh. Well, that’s nice of you to say.”
“And I hope all of you listeners are having a nice day here in lovely Ebott’s Wake, Don’t Trust The Flower.”
“So they still haven’t managed to come up with a slogan about the rifts yet?”
“It’s not that they haven’t, it’s that every time they try one they end up stepping on somebody’s toes and lawsuits are threatened. A lot of media was being leveraged into expanded universes and multiverses even before all this happened. I’m glad you brought that up though, as I have a memo from Dr. Alphys here that says this year the Arboretum is being protected by a network of upgraded Rift Stabilizers identical to the ones set up on Mt. Ebott. Dr. Alphys has asked us to specifically remind all listeners not to get too close to the stabilizers, and definitely do not spill chili, beer, milk, antifreeze, or any other liquid on the hardware.”
“Yeah, nobody wants a repeat of Kelly Plaza, especially not when their mouth is burning.”
“Absolutely true, although anyone visiting our fair city probably has no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I was reporting on it live and I still don’t know what I was talking about.”
“Speaking of live reporting, we’re going to toss things up to our reporters in the field, starting with Winston Devinter, who as I understand it is braving the Demilitarized Zone between the Beans and No Beans part of the Arboretum. Winston, what can you tell us?”
“Brett, just like last year, a number of people have set up their own camp in the middle of the Demilitarized Zone, and I am speaking with them right now. With me is the apparent leader of the group, Hal Greene. Mr. Greene, what can you tell us about this mysterious third faction of the Chili Cook Off?”
“Uh, my dude, there’s nothing mysterious about it. I got banned a few years ago and I came here to let Metzinger know it’s not over, and I realized it’s a lot more fun and less work to heckle him than to actually make chili. And some people agree with me. That’s all there is to… egh… ATCHOO! Sorry. Been fighting this stupid summer cold for a week.”
“Well, good luck with both your social commentary and your illness recovery. I’m going to go and see if anyone else can provide a different perspective… ah! Hello Ambassador Papyrus!”
“HELLO MR. DEVINTER! HAPPY CHILI COOK OFF DAY TO YOU!”
“Uh. And also with you. I don’t really see you as they kind of person to heckle somebody based on their chili recipe, so why are you here?”
“INDEED MY GOALS ARE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT! I HOPE TO FORM A MEDIATING INFLUENCE TO HEAL THE BEAN-BASED DIVISION THAT HAS TORN THIS OTHERWISE DELICIOUS SOCIAL EVENT IN TWAIN! AND OF COURSE, IN ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO MEET IN THE MIDDLE, ONE MUST BE IN BETWEEN THEM!”
“I suppose there’s a certain logic to that, and the Demilitarized Zone is one of those traditions that not everybody cares for. So good luck with that.”
“THANK YOU AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR REPORTING!”
“Thanks. Moving on to, uh. Okay. I just ran into Prince Asriel Dreemurr. Hello Asriel.”
“Howdy.”
“Are you here to help Papyrus in his efforts to broker peace between the warring factions of this town?”
“Not really, I’m here to hang out with Hal and heckle Mr. Metzinger.”
“I… didn’t expect that.”
“Well, it’s not like I actively dislike him. It’s more a show of solidarity. With Hal, and also with Mary after that thing with the Jeep. Which is a whole story in and of itself and you probably don’t have time to hear the whole thing.”
“Well, we do have to toss things over to Kyle in a little bit, but I do have one more question.”
“Go ahead.”
“What’s with the giant sun umbrella?”
“Oh. Yeah. Mom worries. I mean, I’m immune to extreme heat, or at least ninety nine percent resistant to it, but I guess it’s a good idea for about half the other people here so it worked out pretty well.”
“Glad to hear that. What about all the sunglasses?”
“Sunglasses are cool.”
“INDEED THIS IS A TRUE FACT! NYEH HEH HEH!”
“Okay then. Moving on… uh, you sir! Can I trouble you to answer some questions?”
“Uhm. I’m just here with Hal.”
“Ah, you’re part of the anti-Metzinger crowd then.”
“Not. Not really. I just tend to hang out with Hal is all.”
“Oh, I see. May I have your name?”
“They call me Bitey.”
“And where do you stand on the issue of Beans or No Beans?”
“I don’t have a preference. Anything tastes good when you’re hungry enough.”
“That is true, hunger is the best sauce, as the French say. Well, thank you for your time, Bitey. Uh, excuse me! Yes, you with the impressively long beard, may I ask your name?”
“To hand out one’s name so casually exposes one to great risk. For the purposes of this conversation, you may know me as Havithor, Sorceror of the Angry Skies.”
“Aha, that would explain the intricately tailored robes. Mr. Havithor, where do you stand on the subject of beans in chili?”
“That is beyond my knowing. That the people of this world revel in the sensation of flames which do not consume can only mean this plane is aligned with the element of Fire, and my life has been spent in study of the element of Air. Loath as I am to confess ignorance in any subject, one should sooner ask a fish in the sea who is the rightful heir to the throne.”
“...I almost understood some of that. Thank you for your time and your insight. There is somebody here with some sort of cooking related cybernetic prosthesis, maybe I should go talk to them...”
“Actually Winston, we have to make a jump over to Kyle Zimmerman who is currently in the Beans camp. Kyle, what can you tell us?”
“Hey Brett, I just happen to be at the Nice Cream stand right now, where Chili patrons are lining up by the hundreds to purchase ice cream either as a preventative or a curative measure against the hottest chili recipes at the Cook Off. Lance is so busy he doesn’t have time to talk but Chara Dreemurr was able to step away for a few seconds. Chara, how has business been?”
“End my suffering.”
“Wow. That busy huh?”
“Actually it’s just so hot. Even close to the ice field emitter. Every customer is another reason to jam my head in the cooler, so I’m not complaining. I mean, I am complaining about the heat. That much should be obvious-”
“Chara a little help!”
“Duty calls.”
“Uh… okay. That was Chara Dreemurr, pitching in at the Nice Cream stand. On the other side of all of these lines… excuse me, trying to report-”
“Hey, watch it!”
“No cutting in line!”
“You almost made me spill my-”
“OW! Who’s the DEAD MAN who stepped on my-”
“Well excuse you!”
“Sorry about all that! Sorry! Okay, I’m over at Quentin Forsythe’s booth, where he has a, uh. Wow. That is big. Quentin has a massive poster of all the ingredients in chili with a lot of them typed in red letters and I don’t know that I want to spend the next half hour learning about all of them in detail, so I’m moving on-”
“Hoi HOi HoI HOI hoI!”
“Aaaah, wrong direction! Okay, uh… oh! Hello Frisk! How’s it going?”
“My sinuses are clear and my heart is full. All is right with the world.”
“Glad to hear it. It looks like you’ve been running the whole circuit, what chili was your favorite so far?”
“I actually just got started. Grillby’s Fireside Bowl. Hot enough to bite but not so hot that my stomach thinks I’m being poisoned.”
“That does sound like a happy medium. You take care!”
“Thanks, you too.”
“I’m heading over to a… oh. That has to be where Sans is selling chili dogs, he still hasn’t cleaned the snow off the top of the stand-”
“It’s in my EYE SOCKETS how does this KEEP HAPPENING”
“Uh… well, that was Dr. Aster. Moving a bit too fast for me to ask him his opinions and he seemed distracted, so… actually I should toss things back to you guys and I will find somebody else to interview in the meantime. Back to you Brett.”
“That works out great Kyle, as we are right on the cusp of the break. When we come back, Winston has an interview with the reigning champion Undyne as she prepares to defend her title in the Trial By Fire, and following that but before the actual Trial By Fire we will have Officer Steve on the air to talk about distracted driving. Presumably, how to avoid it why you should do so. For all that and more, stay tuned to KEBT!”