Chapter Text
Thor stared at the most fearsome challenge he had ever faced. His (now literal) baby brother was starting to emit a stench most foul.
Fury had let Thor care for Loki only after 1 hour straight of Thor saying please (pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease) and a 3 hour crash course on child care. He now knew that babies should be held carefully and not dropped (or stabbed or set fire to or smashed with a hammer or bitten, he was starting to think that he hadn’t been a very good elder brother). Currently he was in the director’s office, looking after Loki while Fury went and disciplined his staff (the guys in R&D had made another perpetual motion machine. In this department we obey the laws of thermodynamics!). He had been gone for 6 minutes and Thor was beginning to panic (Actually he started to panic at the 12 second mark but now he was really starting to freak out).
Baby!Loki had been happily lying on the play mat on the ground reading several classified documents that Fury had left behind. However he had not quite mastered bowl control yet and hoped that someone would change his nappy soon. Big!Thor seemed to be quite useless at this as he was pacing around the room muttering. Maybe he could call the nice black big!person back to help? Or he could find a big!person who looked less like they were about to have a mental breakdown.
Mind made up Loki crawled over to the door and when it refused to open to his weak shove he crawled through it (this magic had been at first difficult but it was similar to letting heavy blocks pass through him when Thor threw them). He immediately crawled towards the big!person he thought would know how to change a nappy. It turned out that it was Fred from accounting. Fred was 7 foot tall, a black belt in tae kwon do and came 3rd in the New York City Marathon last year. He also did baby sitting in his youth for extra cash (he liked the older kids as they would take one look at him and shut up, but the babies were adorable and it wasn’t their fault they were so small and helpless)
Fred had been walking past Fury’s office on his way to the break room when he felt a small tug. Looking down he saw a tiny baby who gave him a shy smile and then made a complicated gesture which Fred took to mean that he needed a nappy change and his previous caretaker was a llama. When Fred voiced this the baby shook his head and changed the gesture slightly and Fred realised he meant an idiot (or an idiot lama).
Now Fred remembered the talk they had given everyone at orientation about not touching anything that mysteriously turned up, but it looked so cute. When he told the baby that he really should take it down to be examined by science people, Loki just turned on the puppy dog eyes. Fred melted (though not literally, last Tuesday really sucked). The pair quickly hammered out an agreement that Fred would change his nappy if Loki promised not to explodinate like the cute fluffy rabbit that had turned up last week (It had been sent by some evil villain with a bunny fetish (or at least that’s what the science guys said. They had refused to elaborate but Fred’s friend Tristan had seen a crate of bunnies go down to the lab)).
With that Loki led Fred back to the room with the nappies and Big!Thor. Fred ignored the gibbering Norseman and changed baby!Loki’s nappy. After that was done the pair had a brief conversation in which Baby!Loki assured Fred that Big!Thor was not actually crazy and it was perfectly fine to leave him with him. (Thor gaped at the bizarre conversation before realising that he could comprehend it as well as most of his brother’s conversations.)
Fred was unsure as he had seen Thor at the company picnic last year and not only had he made the Thompson’s baby cry by made really bizarre faces but had also managed to set fire to himself, Bruce (who then rabidly (and rapidly) became the hulk) and a tree (This did cause less destruction than the year before company picnic but Thor didn’t have the excuse of sectoral heterochromia iridis affecting his actions). As Fred didn’t want to be responsible for a baby getting second degree burns he convinced Thor to go down to a break room where others could help him (“The break room has coffee” “Let’s go”).
Unfortunately when they got there it turned out that there was a WHAM meeting going on (Women wHo Are Marvellous). Thor and Fred immediately got the punishment for men who interrupted a WHAM meeting (It involves a wham to a certain part of the anatomy that causes males to shriek like 6 year old girls). Baby!Loki escaped the punishment by sucking on his thumb in a really cute way (and also creating a really powerful force field).
As the men were lying on the ground yowling in agony (At this point I’m starting to worry about how many of her team mate Natasha has taken out while they’re holding a Baby!Loki) there was the question of what to do with a baby (Natasha still thought that the bomb squad was a viable option). As the meeting was almost at the point where they would all get drunk and complain, it was decided that the newest member would have to babysit him. Darcy was pointed in the direction of baby!Loki, shoved out side and the door was slammed shut.
Darcy adjusted her grip on Baby!Loki, stepped over the men and made her way through Shield to Fury’s office (rumour had it that Fury liked Baby!Loki, if not rumour also had it that he ate babies, so either way the problem was off her hands). Baby!Loki happily babbled to Darcy.
When they got to the office Fury wasn’t there however there was baby stuff so Darcy set baby!Loki down on the floor mat and sat down to wait. Baby!Loki was tired from the day excitement and was starting to list to the side. Whenever Darcy moved he would shake himself and smile at her. Darcy was trying to concentrate on her phone but Loki was so….so cute. It was hard to resist. After Baby!Loki rubbed his eyes, she had to give in. She slid to the floor and started to make baby noises (“NO I DIDN’T. You have no proof.”).
Baby!Loki was glad that he was being worshiped as was his due but right now it was nap time. However he got the big!person to grab him a blankie before curling up to sleep.
Darcy couldn’t help but use her iphone to take photos of the sleeping Baby!god from every angle. And then post them on Facebook. And then just admire the tiny hands and tiny feet and tiny nose (he was like a tiny person!). She lay down on floor next to him to get a closer look. Hmmm, the floor was actually really comfortable. She closed her eyes.
*
THUMP. Darcy sat up immediately. Her danger sensor was going off. Baby!Loki wasn’t lying on the floor sleeping. Shit.
She looked in the direction of the thump. He was there on the floor next to bookcase. Thank every god. It seemed the thump had come from him dropping a book on the floor. He was making grabby hand motions at the something at the top of the bookcase. Darcy laughed to herself in relief and stood to make her way over to him.
Noticing that a big!person was coming towards him baby!Loki pointed to the book that he wanted. It would help with his plan.
Darcy just smiled and waved her finger at him. “You don’t need another book. Look you have a book on the floor next to you”
Loki let out an all suffering sigh, that book was about the woman who swallowed a fly (I don’t know why she swallowed a fly, or why Fury has it). If you want something, do it yourself. He floated up to the correct shelf and grabbed the book. It looked like it was just as interesting as he hoped.
Darcy stared. Then got out her phone and started filming it. Then stared some more.
It was at this point the Fury marched into the room. He fixed Darcy with a look and held out his hand. She sighed and handed over her phone (this was the fourth phone that had been confiscated for ‘filming thing inappropriate to go on Facebook’ (She hadn’t been stalking Steve to get the photos. She had been performing a national service to the women of America)). Loki was sitting on the floor avidly reading his stolen book (It was just what he needed!).
Fury rubbed his forehead and wished that he had taken his mother’s advice and become a neurosurgeon. It would have been so much less complicated.
