Chapter Text
“You shouldn’t do it,” Armin says gently, his eyes an endless sea of sorrow.
“The commander is gone, Captain.” Jean tells him, his voice quiet and bitter. “There is nothing left of her.”
“It would only make the pain so much worse,” Mikasa adds, weary and heartbroken.
“Hange-san wouldn't have wanted you to suffer,” Connie agrees with a faraway look. “None of them would.”
And, maybe, they’re right, Levi thinks, looking at their worn-out faces. Maybe, it’s better this way. Maybe, he should just let go.
He can’t.
So he packs a few changes of clothes, takes a few things from the office, from her office, and boards the first ship, headed towards Odiha.
A journey by plane would take a lot less time, but after all he has been through, after her sacrifice — Levi doesn’t trust planes that much.
He gets off the ship and someone immediately approaches him. He turns his head to the side – damn his lost eye – and sees a Cart Titan, Pieck, standing beside him.
“Captain,” she greets. “May we have a talk?”
Levi doesn’t understand the reason for it, what could they possibly talk about it? But he nods and follows after Pieck, as she leads him to a more secluded area.
“I’m not sure if that’s true,” she fidgets, wriggling her fingers and looking slightly above his shoulder, refusing to meet his gaze. Watching her behave so awkwardly around him, Levi is hit with a realization – she is still so young. How old is she? Twenty? A bit more? She’s not much older than the brats from his own squad. So young and already she’s seen so much, lost too much, but— Levi muses, he was all the same. All of them – Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit - they were young. Too young for this war. Too young to die.
Hange— Hange was too young to die too.
Levi shakes his head, chases those thoughts away. They’re pointless, they bring nothing but pain. Instead he focuses on Pieck.
“There are reports about… someone living in the abandoned cabin near the port. I went to check, albeit from afar, but it seems…” she pauses then, and looks at Levi, tilting her head. “Maybe, you should sit down?”
“I’m not an old man,” Levi grunts, despite feeling very much like one. “What were you saying?”
Truthfully, Levi doesn’t pay much attention to what Pieck is saying. Something about an abandoned cabin, about someone occupying it… what relation does it have to him?
“I was saying,” Pieck looks straight into his eyes, her gaze unwavering. “I think Commander Hange is alive.”
Levi blinks – once, twice, thrice, but he doesn’t understand. What Pieck is saying… it can’t possibly be true. And if that’s not the truth, then it can only be—
“Is this a joke?” he says in a low voice, an almost forgotten feeling of cold fury washing over him. He clenches his hands into fists and they tremble from barely restrained anger, as he glowers at Pieck. “Do you think that’s funny?”
“No!” Pieck cries out, and the distress on her face looks fairly genuine. It chases some of his anger away. “I couldn’t believe it myself, and I’m not one hundred percent sure yet, Commander’s face isn’t the same as it was, but—”
“Show me then,” Levi demands, cutting off her ramblings with a surprising desperation. He can’t believe Pieck, won’t believe her until he sees a living, breathing proof. But he gives her words the benefit of a doubt. It’s not hope, he persuades himself, he can’t afford to hope. He doesn’t think he’d be able to recover when it inevitably gets shattered.
“Of course,” Pieck easily agrees. “But before we go, I have to warn you – Commander isn’t the same as she was.”
“So you’ve told me.”
It’s natural, he thinks. If Hange was able to survive – which he still doesn’t believe in – of course, she wouldn’t be left unscarred. His face isn’t the same as it was too, after all.
“No,” Pieck shakes her head. “You don’t understand. I think she lost her memories. I’ve tried approaching her once, when she was visiting a nearby town, but— Commander didn’t even recognize me.”
Levi reflects on her words. He knows Pieck is sure that she had seen Hange, she wouldn’t have approached him or gone through all the trouble of finding him if she wasn’t. He doesn’t know her that well, but former Cart Titan doesn’t strike him as a cruel or imprudent person.
Pieck is sure that Hange is alive.
Levi doesn’t know how to feel about it. On the battlefield, he trusted Pieck with his life. But it’s not his life that is at stake right now, it’s his heart. And if it breaks one more time, Levi is sure – he will break too.
“Lead the way,” he asks in a quiet, faint murmur.
He doesn’t dare to hope. But as he follows after Pieck, he’s filled with nervous anticipation.
“Here,” Pieck raises a hand, pointing her finger at a small cabin at the coastline, hidden between two large trees. “Commander lives here.”
Levi looks at it, waits for something to happen. And then— something happens.
A person walks out of the cabin, oblivious to the company that watches them.
Levi squints his one remaining eye, gets a better look at that person— and feels his knees buckle.
It’s her, it’s Hange, there is no doubt about it. She’s standing far away from him, and Pieck was right, she doesn’t look like she used to – with burns adorning her face and half of her hair missing, but Levi recognizes her right away. It’s the way she holds herself, the way her shoulders are slightly slumped and her head is held high, as she stares at the horizon.
It’s Hange, she’s alive, Levi realizes, and sinks down to his knees.
“Hey, hey!” Pieck looks down at him, alarmed. “Are you alright?”
Levi glances at Hange once again, and he almost smiles. “I’m good.”
Once the initial shock washes over him, leaving him only slightly dazed and breathless, Levi gets back to his feet. He wants to go to Hange. He needs to go to Hange, needs to look into her eyes and hold her in his arms. Needs to tell her everything he kept unspoken.
He takes the first step with the intent to do exactly that. Nothing is going to stop him, them, this time, but then— then he remembers.
I think she lost her memories
He remembers Pieck’s words. He remembers Hange’s last years too - the weary look in her eyes, the absence of that loud laughter and bright smile. Remembers how easy it was for her to sacrifice her own life.
Maybe, Hange truly forgot about everything. It’s a blessing then and should be treated as such.
He doesn’t take another step forward. Instead, he turns around and leaves.
It’s better this way, he thinks.
The distance between him and Hange grows bigger and bigger. His heart grows heavier with every step.
In the end, despite his best efforts, he just can’t stay away. He knows he should, knows he has to let Hange go, but he can’t.
He’s just an old, broken man, who is too weak to resist.
He never shows his face, afraid that it could trigger Hange’s memories, afraid of what it would do to her, but he visits her cabin frequently.
Hange is isolated from the others, but there are things that she needs. He’s just helping her, Levi persuades himself, as he leaves small packages at Hange’s doorstep again and again.
And if sometimes, he stands in the distance, watching her - on the isolated coastline, no one is a witness to it.
Hange gets curious about him, of course. Levi isn’t surprised, she is the definition of that word, after all. She tries to catch him, runs out of the house every time he visits. Luckily, even old and beaten, Levi remains faster than her.
It is tempting, though. It is so tempting to just let Hange see him, to slow his step, to turn around and face her.
But then Levi remembers a quiet, broken whisper.
So just let me go, will you?
And he hurries to walk away, to leave Hange behind, persuading himself that it’s better this way.
One morning, he visits Hange at the very break of dawn. The sun is barely up in the sky, the world painted in a gentle pink light. The air is chilly and the cold wind ruffles his hair. The spring has just began, and so Levi wraps the coat tighter, shielding himself from the cold.
He approaches the cabin, his eyes trained at the sea. At the mornings like this, it looks particularly splendid.
Levi tears his gaze away from the mesmerizing view and turns to the cabin. He freezes, as he sees Hange sitting on a porch. He panics and means to flee that instant, but then he looks closer - Hange doesn’t react to him at all.
She’s asleep, he realizes with immense relief.
He realizes another thing then – it’s the first time he’s so close to Hange.
Slowly, he takes another step. She looks a bit ridiculous, with blanket wrapped all over her and only head sticking out, but she’s just like the sea, the sight of her so splendid, it’s hard for Levi to look away.
He climbs up to a porch and softly puts the package down. The sharp, familiar aroma fills his nostrils and the permanent scowl on his face softens, as he notices two cups of tea, standing on the table.
He takes one in his hands, inhales the scent deeper and takes the first sip. The tea is bitter and strong – just as he likes it.
“Thank you,” he whispers, as he puts the empty cup down.
Hange can wake up at any moment, he knows that. He should leave soon, he knows that too. But he stays behind, just for a couple of minutes. He watches Hange snore quietly, marvels at the way her chest moves up and down, at the small puffs of air that escape her mouth. The sight is warming him more than the hot tea. He leans in then, unable to resist. He leaves a soft kiss on forehead.
He gazes at her for another short moment, his chest filling with so much love and longing, it feels like it’s going to explode.
He doesn’t want to leave her, more than anything he just wants to stay with Hange. He wants to start a life with her, a life she promised to him, a life that became impossible when she decided that humanity is more important than their happiness.
But Hange is still alive, she can still find some happiness. In the meantime, he’ll be keeping watch over her.
It’s better this way, he remembers and forces himself to walk away.
Hange gets more vigilant after that, and Levi’s annoyance grows stronger. Is that so hard to simply accept his kindness? Why must she always stick her long nose where it doesn’t belong?
It takes him four days of almost constantly watching the damn cabin to catch the time where Hange isn’t waiting on a porch for him. He traveled to another town to get her those damn journals, and that’s how she repays him?
What an insufferable, irritating douche.
What a pair they make.
Same as the amount of steps that led to the lab and the amount of turns he took to get to the Commander’s office, the trail to the cabin becomes so familiar that Levi can get to it with his eye closed. He knows every tree that stands along the way, every stone and bump on the road.
And as he walks it one day, Levi notices a new, strange smell. He follows it and finds a plate with pie on it and a cup of tea. A note lies next to it all, and Levi snatches it in his hands.
Since you don't let me thank you any other way, it reads. Levi rolls his eyes. Someone is a little passive aggressive, he muses, taking a bite of the pie.
It’s a little too sweet for his taste, but not awful. He likes it actually. Of course, there is no way in hell he’ll tell Hange about it. Teasing her became a second nature, and so, as he grabs a second piece of pie, he takes out a quill and sits down to write a reply.
A smirk pulls at his lips as he finishes his note. It’s a little rude, he knows, but it’s meant for Hange, the only person who was always able to see through the stern façade. He wonders if she still possesses this ability, or it was lost among with her memories. He hopes it was not.
He puts the note down, takes another piece of pie and leaves.
Work on your cooking skills, four-eyes. The pie was awful. Try adding less sugar next time. I think just a piece of this shitty pie could give someone cavities. Tea was good, though.
With the taste of pie still lingering in his mouth, Levi returns to a room he’s renting at a small motel not far from the ruined port.
Someone is standing next to his room, obviously waiting for him. Levi curses softly, recognizing Jean’s long face.
“Captain!” he raises his hand in greeting. “I was waiting for you.”
Dressed in a long coat, three-piece suit and with black hat on his head, Jean is the epitome of a charming young man.
“The kids have surely grown,” the voice in his head murmurs. It sounds suspiciously like Hange.
Jean looks at him, staring Levi in the eye, unflinching. A man in front of him is a far cry from the unruly teenager Levi was so used to.
He’s not much of a brat anymore, he thinks with a mixture of annoyance and pride. Jean grew into a good, noble man.
The beard is still ridiculous in Levi’s opinion.
“Come in,” he sighs, unlocking the door to his room and letting Jean go in first. “What brings you here?”
How were you able to find me, he wants to ask, but he can guess the answer himself. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one Pieck was watching over. Levi wonders how much she told to Jean and the others.
“I came here because of you,” Jean says, taking off his hat.
“Me?” Levi raises an eyebrow. “What do you need me for? Is there some trouble on the island?”
“No,” Jean shakes his head. “But… we’re worried about you. What are you still doing here, Captain? Why don’t you go home?”
Because it’s not my home anymore, Levi wants to say. The home is where the heart is, or so his mother used to say. His heart is living in the abandoned cabin on the coastline. And he won’t leave her this time.
He can’t say all of it to Jean, though. Obviously, he doesn’t know about Hange, he wouldn’t be asking the obvious question otherwise. And Levi can’t tell about her survival to the kids. He wants, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to compromise the safety of that secret. He doesn’t want to sabotage Hange’s chance at finding peace and happiness. Not again.
“It’s not any of your business, Kirstein,” he retorts, his voice harsher than Jean deserves.
Jean sighs, fiddling with his hat. “I saw you coming back from the beach this morning. Are you… still visiting that place?”
The way Jean looks at him – sad and weary – tugs at Levi’s heart. He can’t hold this gaze, and so he turns away, squeezing his hands into fists. He knows how he must look to the others, knows that they probably think that he’s an old, broken man who is going mad with grief.
He’s not mad, though. He is not. Pieck had seen her too.
“Thanks for the concern, Jean,” he says, and he means it. The kids’ worry and care warms his heart. “But I’m fine.”
“You won’t be going home with me then?”
“No,” Levi softly refuses. “I’ll stay here.”
Jean looks like he wants to argue, but Levi sends him a look, silencing him. Jean sighs again. Levi raises his hand to pat Jean on a shoulder, but then he realizes – Jean is too damn tall for him to do that. He tsks in annoyance, awkwardly lowering his hand.
“We’ve all grown so damn big, eh?” Jean teases with a small grin.
Levi scowls at him. Jean’s grin grows bigger.
“C’mon,” Levi says, leading Jean further into the room. “You didn’t just come here to persuade me to go back, right?”
“Well, actually…”
“So tall and still so stupid,” Levi remarks, making Jean chuckle. “Sit down, let me make you some tea. You can tell me how the others are you doing.”
“Thank you,” Jean nods, as Levi puts a cup with steaming tea in front of him. “The others are good, they’ve asked to pass on their best wishes to you. Connie wanted to visit you with me, but he broke his arm just a few days ago.”
“Broke his arm?” Levi asks, sipping his tea. “How did that happen?”
“Ah,” Jean chuckles. “The Marleyans showed us a new mean of transportation, called bicycle,” he frowns slightly, making sure to pronounce all the syllables correctly. “It’s like a horse, but a bit faster. Long story short, Connie tried to master that bicycle. He failed spectacularly, though.”
Levi hums, hiding a smile. “What about the others?”
“Armin is getting used to his new role bit by bit. Mikasa and Annie help him a lot. Historia’s baby is getting even more adorable, if you can believe it.”
Historia showed him her kid, while Levi was still on the island. She even let him carry him around, and Levi still remembers a knot in his stomach that appeared, when he took the kid from Historia’s hands. Jean is right, though, the baby is adorable. Just like his mother.
Jean continues talking after that, telling him a story of how Connie fell asleep during the government’s meeting and how Annie tried to bake a birthday cake for Armin, but Levi doesn’t listen to him anymore. Instead, he imagines a person, who would be sitting at his right. A person who would get worried after hearing about Connie’s broken arm and who would coo over Historia’s baby.
Hange would have loved to hear the news about kids. She would have loved to be a part of their lives.
As he absentmindedly listens to Jean, Levi has to remind himself of the truth that is bitterer than tea:
It’s better this way.
Jean returns to the island after spending a few days with Levi, and his life goes back to the already familiar routine. He visits Hange, brings a small gift or essentials, gets annoyed at the seemingly endless stream of questions she writes down in the small notes, curses her curiosity and answers her with sarcastic comments and crude jokes.
The life goes on, and Levi feels at peace.
He strolls through a town one day, passing by a flower stall. It’s amazing how quickly the world has recovered. Despite all these deaths, despite ruin and tragedy, people are trying to heal, desperate to get things back to the way they were. This kind of perseverance is admiring, Levi can’t help but think, as he watches an old woman selling a bouquet of daffodils to a shy-looking man.
Suddenly a splash of vivid purple color attracts his attention, and Levi subconsciously takes a step closer.
Hange told him once – when she was pissed drunk after a celebration of Mike’s birthday – that her favorite color is purple. Apparently, it reminded her of lavenders that grew on a field behind her childhood house.
“It always makes me think of warm, sunny days,” Hange said then, a big, happy grin on her face. “Those are my favorite kind. Just remembering them makes me feel so good.”
Before he can stop himself, Levi approaches an old woman and buys a pot of hyacinths. It’s not lavender from the fields behind her house, but hyacinths are very pretty too.
Hange always loved flowers, whenever they walked through town, she always stopped by a flower stall, admiring the bright, beautiful colors. As he takes a pot in his hands, Levi wonders if she would like those flowers too. Would they be enough to make her smile?
She isn't at home when he brings the flowers. It's the first time it happens, and Levi guesses that she probably went to explore what lies beyond her little cabin. Her absence does make him a tiny bit worried, but Levi isn't all that surprised by it. Hange is curiosity personified, after all, and he is glad that this side of hers has returned.
He leaves the flowers on the porch and walks away, wondering when Hange will come back.
He checks on her the next day, and finds that his flowers are now standing at the windowsill inside the cabin. There is also a note she left for him. He picks it up, his expression softening when he reads the beginning of the note.
His face changes, though, turning into a frown, when Levi sees a name Onyakopon written at the end. He crumbles the note in his fist and hurriedly leaves, his shoulders slumped.
He comes back to the motel and the sight of Onyakopon waiting for him in the foyer doesn’t surprise him at all.
"Captain!" the man quickly catches up with Levi, falling into step with him.
"I'm not Captain anymore," Levi grumbles, thrusting hands into the pockets of his pants. "I'm retired, if you didn't know."
Onyankopon nods, absentmindedly, and before he even opens his mouth, Levi knows what question he is going to ask him.
“Commander Hange? You knew that she’s alive?”
"None of your business," Levi quickens his step, and Onyakopon grabs the sleeve of his jacket, turning him around.
Levi wants to snap at him, to tell him to fuck off and leave him and Hange alone, but words die in his throat, as he sees the distress and concern etched on Onyakopon's face.
"I don't know why are you keeping all of this away from her, sir, but... She's suffering. She's hurting and she doesn't even know why."
"Did you tell her anything?" Levi asks, turning his face to the side, uncomfortable with the weight of Onyakopon's gaze.
"No," he shakes head, his voice defeated. "I didn't."
"Good," Levi nods. "It's better this way, believe me," he adds and walks away, leaving Onyakopon behind.
Despite his best attempts to ignore them, Onyakopon's words strike a cord inside him. They make Levi think, they make him question if—
She's suffering. She's hurting and she doesn't even know why.
If his course of action really is the best one.
It all crashes down on him when he finds a letter from Hange. In it, she asks him to reveal the truth. She begs him to tell her about her old life. He reads the letter again and again, doubt and uncertainty clouding his mind.
Does he have any right? Does he have any right to decide what's best for Hange? Shouldn't it be her own decision?
Maybe, Levi thinks, but then he remembers - a quiet, defeated voice, the dull, lifeless look and he thinks no, Hange deserves a second chance, she deserves a chance to live, to lead a life without pain and regrets.
Forgive me, he writes in response to her letter. But it's better this way.
Hange doesn't write another note or letter for him after that. It looks like she's ready to let go of her old life. It's a good thing, Levi knows that. But a part of him is disappointed. A part of him hasn't let go of Hange yet. A part of him hasn't stopped wanting to get her back at his side, right where she belongs.
A part of him regrets leaving that forest.
He still visits her, of course. Hange doesn't speak - or, well, write to him - but he continues to help her in what little ways he can.
He finds her journal during one of his visits. He shouldn't pry, he knows, but he takes it in his hands, opening it at a random page. A rough sketch of a bird - seagull, his mind supplies after a moment - is staring at him. The drawing is surrounded by short notes that detail various observations.
Levi flips over a page and sees another drawing - this one of a hyacinth's flower, leaf and root. Underneath Hange wrote more comments and remarks about the flower's characteristics - how it responds to sun deprivation and how many days it can survive without water before it starts wilting.
Levi smiles as he traces Hange's scribbles with his fingertips. Her passion and curiosity has returned, or so it seems. It warms his heart, makes him remember the good old days, when Hange was allowed to be Hange, when she was just a weird, eccentric scientist with an insatiable hunger for knowledge.
It brings back a particular memory, before the world has gone completely to shit, before it wasn't just them against the world, when the others - Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit - were still alive. When everything was so much easier.
He tears out a page out of the journal and writes down a short message.
Are your hobbies so boring that watching the birds is somehow fun for you?
Last time he said that, he didn't receive an answer, not really. This time, he does.
They start talking again, and their conversations – however short they are – never fail in brightening his day. Every word, every doodle Hange makes for him bring a smile to his face. They make him feel like Hange always made him feel during all those years they knew each other.
They make him feel alive.
Of course, Hange is still annoyingly noisy, she still asks him tons of questions, but this time Levi doesn’t ignore them. He doubts that his favorite color or a fact that he prefers to sleep on his left side would trigger some kind of painful memories.
So he continues talking to Hange, and Hange— Hange continues making him happy.
He doesn't believe in fate, destiny, providence or some other shit. He never did. He used to scoff at the madmen and drunkards from Underground who cursed God and fate for their misfortunes and he rolled his eyes every time he heard the cultists preaching about tragedies and sorrows that were destined to befall on people who dared to doubt their teachings.
But he does not know how else to call it, how else to explain the universe's apparent disinclination to keep Hange and him apart.
Is it fate, a miracle, or a mere coincidence? Levi isn’t a poet or philosopher, he’s a retired soldier, he doesn’t understand what force constantly brings them together.
But he’s thankful for it.
He is descending from the cabin's porch. Hange is bird watching and he knows from experience that it could take hours, if not more. That's why he allows his steps to be slower and more careful than usual. His wounds have healed but they don't let him forget, inconveniencing him at the most unfortunate of times.
He watches his step, grunting softly as he lowers one leg and then the other. It is only when he gets from under the roof, Levi notices that it's raining. The first droplet falls down on his head and he looks up.
And the time stops, because Hange is standing just a few steps away and she stares right at him and the look in her eyes, the one that was always reserved only for him, it tells Levi - she remembers.
"Levi," she calls him, again and again, and Levi realizes - no one had called him by his name for a long, long time. Ever since that fateful day when he thought that he had lost his heart forever.
But his heart is still with him, his heart is still alive. His heart is standing right in front of him and calls out his name.
His hands tremble with the desire to touch her, to feel her, and he clenches them into fists, stopping himself.
He has to make sure first. He has to be certain, so, taking a deep breath, he asks.
"So your memories returned?”
"They did," Hange answers, and, oh god, the sound of her voice. He missed it so much.
"And you..." his knees feel weak, and he shifts his weight from one foot to another. "And you aren't freaked by this?"
Aren't you angry with me, he wants to ask. What do you feel, he needs to know. He doesn't ask any of it, though.
He's afraid to hear the answer.
"I'm still processing," a tentative smile curls at her lips, as if answering Levi's unasked question. "Would you like to… help me with it?”
Would he like to? There is nothing more he ever wished for.
“I know I’ve talked about living in the forest," Hange adds. "but… will the coastline be good enough for you?”
The forest, coastline, city, what difference does it hold?
Home is where the heart is. And he's tired of contradicting that statement.
“You’re more than enough," he replies.
They start walking at the same time, as always perfectly in sync. And as they hold each other tightly, ignoring the rain, forgetting the pain, Levi thinks—
We are together - and it's so much better this way.