Chapter Text
Schlatt was not at all prepared to be raising child at his age, sure he looked old but in reality he was twenty two. Not at all ready to be taking care of a four year old. His house was very much not child proof, his lifestyle was not child proof at all.
As Tubbo slept in the mainroom sofa Schlatt made sure to childproof the house as quickly and quietly as possible. He got rid of his cigars, ashtrays, bottles of alcohol were locked away, sharp objects were locked away or pushed further enough away from reach.
Schlatt rushed upstairs nearly missing stepping on his orange cat who meowed to get his attention. “Not now Jambo”.
After an hour or so of taking precautions he walked back down to the first floor and picked Tubbo up taking him to a guest room, he tucked him in how he remembered Puffy doing so when they were much smaller.
He lingered in the kitchen longer than he anticipated, the dark green bottle of wine taunting him, shining it's green light on the marble ground. With no hesitation he grabbed the bottle and began pouring it down the drain, rinsing it with water and putting it on a high shelf.
“Big man…is scary…can I sleep here?”
Schlatt turned to his left with tired eyes, he rubbed at his eyes and his vision cleared to show Tubbo in his pajamas holding his blanket and his bee, the boy looked nervous or even scared, given by the grip he held Schlatt’s blankets in.
“Um..sure bud come on up” Schlatt moved away from the ledge to let Tubbo climb up but then he realized the boy put his arms up ready to be picked up, so Schlatt reached down and picked him up by the armpits placing him where he once layed.
“Thank you…”
“No worries kid”
“Is scary…your house is too big”
“Mhm..?”
“Mama has a small house, it's always warm there …”
Schlatt knew the boy wouldn't go back to sleep soon so he resolved to lay on his back and stare at his ceiling. He hadn’t seen Quackity in a long time, a month or two really. He’d been caught up in his own stuff and well time just slipped away. He got curious so he asked a question.
“Tell me about your mom Tubbo”
Tubbo seemed excited and made himself comfortable tucking his bee next to him making this one use the pillow for it's head(whole body really) leaving him without a pillow but he didn't seem to mind.
“Alex is very nice, he scares the monsters away, he..he..he sings to me..and, he sings a lot” Tubbo giggled to himself and it made Schlatt chuckle because it was in fact true he remembers when Quackity would hum and sing little tunes when they'd spend time together, always apologizing about it but Schlatt didt mind one bit, in fact it helped him sleep.
On rough nights he’d go to the club, request Quackity’s services only for him to fall asleep as Quackity sang to him, sometimes playing with his hair. Tubbo continued to ramble on and on about Quackity and Schlatt listened and soaked in every detail, this was the most information about Quackity he’d ever gotten. Sometimes Tubbo asked him questions Schlatt tried to answer as clean and child friendly as possible, at one point in the night they both grew tired, Tubbo’s questions became less frequent or repetitive, sometimes his words slurred. Schlatt’s answers diminished from full sentences to three or two words to simple noises.
At 12:46 Tubbo gave in to sleep and was knocked out cold. Schlatt grabbed his own pillow and gently tucked it in underneath Tubbo’s head, he brought the sheets up and tucked the boy in once more for the evening. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes then his head, a headache building up.
In the morning Schlatt had completely forgotten about the previous evening's events until a certain kid crawled from underneath the bed holding a “new york” hat. Schlatt recognized the hat he knew where it was kept and with that it was kept with, immediately he got out from the bed and rushed towards Tubbo, who laughed at him.
“You look funny”
“Where did you get that hat?” he asked afraid of the answer because he knew where he had hidden it away.
Tubbo only pointed underneath the bed before army style crawling back underneath pushing a box out as he returned. Schlatt took the box in his hands and looked through it, that box was filled with certain non-children appropriate papers he’d rather Tubbo never find.
“Why does it have holes?” Tubbo pointed at the side of the hat and pointed at the tears on the sides, the hat itself was worn out, the colour was not as bright as it once was. The sewed in letters was not as white as before but it was special to Schlatt so he kept it as sentimental value.
“I have a big head. '' He lied, the boy didn't need to know anything more.
“I'm hungry”
“Me too come on let's go see if I have any edible food for you”
■
“You like cheerios kid?”
“Cheerios!”
“I’ll take that as a yes then” Schlatt shook the box and determined there was enough cereal for both of them, he looked for the smallest kid size bowl he owned. With two bowls of cereal served and in front of them Schlatt and Tubbo began eating. “You can never go wrong with Cheerios kid”
“Mhm!”
■
“Can I go with you?”
“No”
“Why?”
“Because my work is not for kids”
“I'm not a kid, I'm Tubbo”
“Well, my work is not for Tubbo’s “
“So can I come with you?”
“No”
“Why not?”
Schlatt took deep breaths and hid his face behind his hands, turning away from Tubbo. All morning ever since Schlatt received a call from work the boy had been asking many questions Schlatt was not ready, nor did he know how to exactly answer.
He didn't know how to deal with this so after getting changed and getting Tubbo into some clothes for the day they both took off. His driver was off for the day and the cars he owned were not child friendly, unsure of what else to do Schlatt put a helmet on Tubbo’s head, tightened it and buckled him in the passenger seat of his sports car.
Tubbo seemed hectic he smiled and cheered when they went fast, when they arrived at their destination it was time for Schlatt to come clean he couldn't Tubbo much longer, and he was most definitely not leaving him in a car in this awful weather, so he carried him indoors of Schlatt & Co.
Schlatt was owner and CEO of Schlatt & Co. whatever business needed to be done or whatever services needed to be performed Schlatt had the employees for it. Whether it be legal or illegal business, nothing to illegal thought the man still had morals even if he’s described as a monster.
Immediately he was bombarded with questions about Tubbo, who he was, what he was doing, whose child he was, and why he was there. It made the boy nervous and Schlatt had to yell at everyone to backaway.
He didn't want to leave the kid alone but where he was headed to next was not really appropriate for Tubbo to be in. Some guy went around and thought it would be funny to screw with Schlatt’s money and well he was very touchy about things that belonged to him specially things with a high value.
“Where are you going?” Tubbo asked after he was aquitancesd with the room(Schlatt’s office) he was in. he held his bee with both of his hands and looked up at Schlatt, the New York cap well strapped to his head. Schlatt couldn't help but chuckle because he looked like himself when he was younger, well besides certain things that grew on his head really.
“I'm going to visit a friend”
“Oh! Can I come”
“Sorry bud but he’s not in a good mood, so i'm going to go cheer him up”
“How?, I'm good at cheering people up. Mum said i'm sunshine” Tubbo smiled, twisting his body side to side, and Schlatt smiled. “Damn right you are” what could he say the boy had a certain charm to him. Made it impossible not to smile around him.
“But sorry Tubbo I need to go cheer him up myself”
“How”
“I'm going to make him laugh, so much until he explodes” Schlatt grinded at the boy who was too innocent to really know what was going to be happening soon.
“Then can I come?”
“Sure why not” Schlatt lied, patting Tubbo’s shoulder, before straightening his suit and brushing his hair with his fingers. Before he left he appointed a guard to take care of Tubbo and keep him company and then another two to make sure he was safe, wherever he went, as long as he stayed away from the ‘private sectors’ of the building.
■
“Sir, we have a problem and require your assistance”
Schlatt walked over to the radio wiping his hands with a moist towel, staining the once white material in a red tint. Behind him a man on a chair with a bag over his head shook and turned in every direction to pinpoint where the new voice was coming from.
Schlatt finished wiping his hands and picked up the radio phone. “I'm here, what's the problem” he said in an annoyed tone, he hated being interrupted when things where beginning to be fun, security guards walked inside the room and positioned themselves by the door, looking directly in front of them never making eye contact with Schlatt, who rolled the sleeves of his no longer white dress shirt.
“The kid has a gun”
■
Schlatt ran down a concrete hallway towards the elevator, his tie was long forgotten, his shirt stained red from the ‘tickling’ session. His shoes tapped against the floor and the sound of his footsteps was carried all through it.
--
“Make sure he doesn't shoot at anything!”
And as soon as he said those words he heard a loud bang on the other end of the phone alongside the sound of possible glass shattering.
“There was no safety lock sir”
------
“Move aside!!” He yelled and barged inside his office, Tubbo was in the middle of it with his hands on a gun his fingers hovering above the trigger pointing it at lined up cans of soda and beers, he was wearing safety glasses and ear covers. Tubbo smiled when he saw Schlatt enter the room moving his body to Schlatt who stiffened.
“Hey bud mind putting the gun down”
“But i'm practicing”
“For what?”
‘For the bad guys to come”
Schlatt’s eyebrows furrowed and he turned around to one of the cowardly guards behind a sofa. “He found your old tapes sir” they said and Schlatt nodded. Now fully aware of the situation Schlatt became more at ease and walked towards Tubbo, and then behind him kneeling and properly telling him how to position his hands on the gun.
“Control your breathing” he instructed
‘Bang’ a bullet went directly through the pop can knocking it off it's place.
“Not bad for a kid”
“Did you give your friend tickles”
“Lots of them” Schlatt smiled.
■
Schlatt burned all his tapes. Those tapes were poorly made films between him and his other buddies back in their college days, where they would pretend to be spies or fight one another all with fake weapons of course but Tubbo seemed to think they were real and some dumbass had actually given him a gun and things to shoot at.
■
“Remember Tubbo Global warming is fake and it's all a plot for money”
For the past three days Schlatt had been taking care of Tubbo and had been learning how to do so in a proper way. He bought him new clothes, expensive ones in fact because no(possible)son of his was going to be wearing old clothes. He bought him his own New York Yankees hat and cut holes in the top because Tubbo insisted it needed to have holes so he could wear it.
They dressed alike one day and went out for some bonding time to a park of course, always being followed by their bodyguards which was not convenient given that parents and children were too scared to approach them but Tubbo didn't mind.
Schlatt had also taken the opportunity to teach Tubbo the ways of the economy.
“steal from the upper class Tubbo”
“...he ruined the economy”
“What? Why are you talking shit about such a well known and loved politician”
“Because he fucking ruined the eocnomy Ted! The kid needs to know”
And most important of all Schlatt taught Tubbo how to be just like him; he even taught the boy how to laugh similarly like him.
Overall it was a terrifying sight everyone was met with when they arrived in the Schlatt estate and were met with none Tubbo dressed in a tailored three piece suit and red tie, hair slicked back.
“What the fu--fudge”
“This is horrifying”
“What happened?!”
“three days, we left you with him for three days. What did you do to him? '' Puffy walked over to Tubbo who sat behind Schlatts desk in his leather chair with a pen in his hand and some paper in front of him.
“I'm a businessman! Give me all your money!”
“he’s a businessman!” Schlatt laughed, that damn laugh that sounded as if he had murdered someone and was having a blas tdoing so, a psychopahts laugh and Tubbo went and mimicked the laugh as best as he could.
“Real estate, landowner, republican, politics” Tubbo said, frowning and mimicking Schlatt.
“Teach them what I thought you bud”
Tubbo nodded and moved his blazer coat aside and showed a gun, he took it out and pointed it at a potted plant, the rubber bullet hit it directly in the middle.“Give me all your money bich!”
“Okay, you're done, you're done” Puffy walked over to Schlatt and then Tubbo. She picked him up from the chair.
“I'm really hoping he’s not your kid now”
“I like him, he has guts”
■
Tubbo’s belongings were packed and taken care of. The once single backpack he owned turned into an actual suitcase filled with clothes and a few toys. Everyone walked out the house in an orderly fashion, Schlatt had his luggage packed for a business trip he was taking, if it weren't for it Tubbo would be in his care for longer.
“Bye big man, take care of yourself” Schlatt waved at Tubbo who walked hand in hand with Puffy towards Techno’s car who drove everyone to Schlatt’s place.
Tubbo rushed to Schlatt and hugged his legs, the older man only patted his head and messed up his once gelled hair “Bye”
■
It was a mistake to drive with the windows down, it was a bigger mistake to brush off Tubbo’s constant sneezes. They were headed back to Las Nevadas where Puffy had finally managed to get a hold of a phone number that was apparently Quackity’s.
Another sneeze and then another soon after.
“You got allergies Tubbo?”
Tubbo only shrugged and tossed away another tissue. They were back at the Pond by sundown; the club was closed that day due to repairs after a certain awful fight that destroyed the outer wall of the club.
“We’re going to call your mama alright Tubbs” Dream consoled a whiny Tubbo as he helped him blow his nose.
Before Puffy managed to return from her office, Tubbo let out a particularly strong sneeze leaving everyone stunned, not because of the intensity of it but because of Tubbo. The boy had two nubs coming from his head, visible from his wild hair, on his back were a pair of yellow ruffling wings sending yellow feathers everywhere.
“What the fuc--”