Chapter Text
Donna Saint James stood by a window in the lobby of her apartment building, watching the rain come down in sheets.
“Pence for your thoughts, Darlin,” Said a familiar voice from behind her.
Donna turned to find Andrew Scott standing beside her. He was decked out in his rain gear and was carrying a water-proof backpack.
“I’m waiting for a limo to pick up Benedict and me,” explained Donna.
“Oh, his publicist has something lined up so early?”
“No, his parents gave us a master tea class at the Twining’s store on the Strand. One of their tea sommeliers is going to help us blend a tea to use as a wedding favor. Wanda and Tim even hired a limo as part of the gift to take us back and forth.”
“Such a lovely thing to do,” said Andrew with a smile. “Are Wanda and Tim going as well?”
Donna shook her head. “Nope. Tim made it very clear that this was something Benedict and I should do by ourselves.”
Andrew glanced over his shoulder and lowered his voice. “I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t put it past Ben’s mum to try and find a way to….to um…well, you know…”
“Crash the tasting?”
“Well, yeah. I’ve heard some of the stuff she’s done from Ben and wouldn’t put it past her.”
Donna looked at him.
I’ve heard my share of Wanda’s stunts as well, and it does make me wonder.
“Gosh, I hope not.”
“Me, too.”
“Oh, I don’t think Wanda would really do something like that.”
Wanda placed a want ad for a wife for Ben, thought Andrew. She’s certainly more than capable of showing up at Twinings.
Donna clenched her jaw.
Don’t be naïve, Donna. This is the woman who placed an ad for a daughter-in-law unbeknownst to her son and husband.
“On second thought, you’re right, Andrew. I wouldn’t be surprised to find her in the limo.”
“I think waiting for you in the shop would be more her style.”
“Let’s hope neither for her sake. Benedict wouldn’t be happy.”
Andrew glanced around the lobby. “I don’t see any sign of Ben.”
“He’s been on his way down for the past fifteen minutes.”
Andrew chuckled and nodded. “Ben’s not known for being on time, bless him.”
“You got that right. I always pad the actual time we need to be somewhere so I have a fighting chance at being close to on-time.”
“That’s very clever of you, Darlin.”
“Where are you off to this morning?”
“I have a rehearsal, and I expect it’s going to last all day.”
“My parents were asking when the show was opening.”
Andrew blanched. “September tenth,” he replied. “Why?” He raised an eyebrow at Donna.
“My dad loves Noel Coward; so when I told him you were starring in Design for Living” he was very excited.”
“Shit,” mumbled Andrew.
He’s probably going to be here and want to review me. Why can’t the bastard stay in the States?
“What did you say? I didn’t catch that.”
“I said I’m not starring in it alone – there are three leads.”
Donna frowned at him. “I definitely heard only one word – not a whole sentence.”
Andrew sighed. “If you must know, I said shit.”
“It’s amazing - the mere mention of my father’s name has the power to arouse both fear and dread.”
“You described it well, Darlin. It makes me super nervous to think that your dad might be reviewing me. I get this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.”
“Oh, my parents won’t be coming back to London until a week before the wedding,” laughed Donna. “You have nothing to worry about.” She winked at Andrew. “We’re all safe – you from my father and me from my mother.”
Andrew’s face brightened. “Such a pity that Neil has to miss it then.”
Thank God! The thought of being reviewed by Neil Saint James is terrifying. I can’t imagine what must have been going through Ben’s head the night he reviewed After the Dance. Lucky for him the review was favourable.
“Besides, even if my parents were visiting, there would be no reason for my dad to do the review. Uncle Rodney has made a full recovery and is back doing reviews for the London Times.”
Andrew’s face fell. “Bollocks. I forgot about him.”
Donna reached out and patted Andrew’s arm. “I’m sure you’re going to get rave reviews on Press Night. You’re a terrific actor, Andrew.”
Andrew leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Oh, bless you, Darlin – forever the eternal optimist. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Tell Ben I’m sorry to have missed him. I best be going now. I hope you two have a lovely Wanda-less day!”
***************************************************
Wanda Ventham sat at her dressing table, applying a dark rose-coloured lip liner, when she heard the doorbell. She glanced back at the bedside clock through the mirror and saw that her guest was early.
“Tim!” she called out. “Be a love and buzz Una up. She’s a bit early.”
“Will do!” Came Timothy’s reply.
****************************************************
Timothy had been sitting in the lounge, reading the newspaper when the doorbell rang.
Hmmmm…Una’s early. I like when people are early.
His wife's voice came from their bedroom.
“Tim! Be a love and buzz Una up. She’s a bit early.”
“Will do!” acknowledged Timothy as he folded the paper and stood up. His back ached, causing him to wince.
“Shall I put the kettle on or are you almost ready?” He called out as he strode into the foyer.
“I’m almost ready.”
Timothy pressed the intercom and spoke into the speaker. “Morning, Una.”
There was silence.
Oh, maybe it’s not Una.
“Hello?”
“Good Morning, Sir. It’s Alfred. I’ve come to collect Mrs. Cumberbatch and her guest.”
Timothy was startled by the voice of the driver they often used whenever they needed a car service.
That’s odd. Wanda and Una have walked to the tube many times in the rain. All of a sudden they need a car service. Not to mention its pricey just to go a short way.
“Ah. I didn’t know my wife had hired you for today. Are they going anywhere special?”
“After we leave here, I am to collect your son and future daughter-in-law...”
Timothy’s mouth hung open.
What in the devil is Wanda up to? I thought we decided that Ben and Donna would go alone to have their tea class; so we’d be surprised by their selection at the wedding.
Don’t jump to conclusions, Tim. There may be a simple explanation – like Wanda decided to be thrifty and use the car to her advantage as well.
“…and from there I’m bringing the lot of them to the Twinings Store on the Strand.”
Bloody hell! I should have known my wife would somehow try and work her way into the tasting! For fucks sake – it’s as if we never discussed this.
Wanda came into the lounge. “It wasn’t Una then?” She asked pleasantly as she fastened the strap of her watch to her wrist. “Who are you talking to?”
Timothy turned to face her, as he took his thumb off the intercom’s speaker button.
“No, it isn’t Una, it’s Alfred from the car service. He said he’s here to pick you up.”
Wanda’s face blanched momentarily. “That’s right. He’s here to pick up Una and me; and he’s taking us shopping.”
Timothy raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that before or after you pick up Ben and Donna? Just what are you going shopping for? Tea?”
Wanda opened the wardrobe and leisurely removed her mac and brolly to give herself time to compose herself.
Hells bells! Why did I have to take so much time with that damn lip liner?
“Well, how about giving me a minute to explain before you go off half-cocked, Tim. I thought…”
There’s always trouble when they start to think!
“Hold that thought,” snapped Timothy as he took his thumb off the button and spoke into the intercom. “Alfred, there’s no need for you to wait. There’s been a misunderstanding. Please continue with the itinerary and collect my son and future daughter-in-law. Mrs. Cumberbatch won’t be needing a driver today.”
“As you like, Mr. Cumberbatch. Uh…a visitor just arrived for you.”
Timothy heard Una Stubbs’ voice in the background.
“Would you be a love and tell him Una’s here?”
“Yes, of course, Madame. Una’s here, Mr. Cumberbatch.”
“Thank you, Alfred.”
Timothy buzzed the lock open on the front door so Una could enter the mews house.
“If your plans change, Mr. Cumberbatch, just ring me,” said Alfred.
Wanda ran over to the intercom. “I will, Alfred. I’m so sorry about the mix-up.”
“It’s quite alright, Mrs. Cumberbatch. No harm was done.”
“Thank you, Alfred,” said Timothy. “We can manage. Just take my son where ever he needs to go today.”
“Of course, Sir.”
Timothy took his thumb off the intercom and regarded his wife with a raised eyebrow.
“Did Ben and Donna know you and Una were going to be in the car? Does Una know about this little plan of yours?”
Wanda glared at her husband. “Plan? Just what are you accusing me of?”
“I wasn’t accusing you of anything…yet. Feeling guilty, are we?”
“How dare you!”
“How dare you? I found it odd that you would suddenly hire a car service when you’ve always been perfectly capable of getting around in inclimate weather….”
“I had a very good reason…”
“…particularly since we practically live on top of the tube station.”
“It’s not at all what you think and besides we don’t live on top of the tube station. It’s a bit of a walk.”
“Poppycock!”
“You’re jumping to conclusions, Tim.”
“I think not. Alfred informed me that after he left here, he was going to collect Ben and Donna. What in the hell is going on? Is this one of your…”
There was a knock on the door. “Whoo, hoo! It’s me!” called Una.
“We’ll discuss this later,” snarled Wanda.
“Fuck no! We’ll discuss this now!” thundered Timothy.
Wanda opened the door to the flat and smiled at her friend.
“Hi Una! I’m all set,” she said hurriedly as she tried to shrug into her raincoat. Her arm got caught in the sleeve. “Hells bells!”
“Come in, Una,” Timothy said cordially.
Una looked from one to the other and hesitated as Wanda and Timothy were glaring at each other over her head.
“Are you sure I wasn’t interrupting something?”
Wanda and Timothy continued to glare at each other.
Una frowned and cleared her throat. “Perhaps I should just wait downstairs in the vestibule.” Sounds like I came whilst they were in the middle of a domestic.
“There’s no need,” said Timothy, patting Una's arm reassuringly. “We were just having a spirited discussion of today’s transportation.”
“Spirited indeed,” scoffed Wanda with a toss of her head.
“Here let me help you with that mac.”
Timothy came to stand behind Wanda and held her coat open for her. “So you two are going shopping, yes?”
“Yes,” said Wanda impatiently. “We’re going around to some shops.”
“We’re off to Harrods for their semi-annual sale,” clarified Una. “We never miss it! There are so many bargains to be had.”
Timothy looked at his wife. “Alfred said that you were going in the car to pick up Donna and Benedict.”
“Oh, were they coming to Harrods with us?” Una asked excitedly. "That'll be fun!"
“No,” replied Timothy. “Today is their tea tasting at Twinings, so they can pick out a tea for their wedding favours.”
Una looked confused. “I don’t understand. Harrods and Twinings are in opposite directions.”
“Yes,” confirmed Timothy, looking pointedly at his wife.
“Oh, I figured since we already hired the car...” began Wanda.
“That you would use it,” finished Timothy with a smirk.
“And why not?” retorted Wanda. “I don't see anything wrong with that being the car is already paid for. I just want to get my money's worth is all. Alfred could just drop us at Harrods.”
Timothy pursed his lips. “Then Ben and Donna would be late for their tasting.”
“Oh, they can’t be late for something so important on account of us,” said Una. “That wouldn't be right, Wanda! We can just take the tube like we always do.”
Timothy stared at his wife. I can see the wheels turning in that scheming brain of hers.
“Well, I thought Alfred could drop us at Harrods after Twinings,” explained Wanda. “I would never want them to be late."
"Well, that's sorted then. We'll walk," said Una.
"It really is raining too hard to walk to the tube station,” retorted Wanda. "We'll get soaked."
"The rain has slowed down considerably," said Una. "I bet it's stopped by now."
“Do you know what I think?” began Timothy with a sly smile.
Wanda made a face at him. “No, and I really don’t give a fig.”
“I think you want to go along for the ride to Twinings in hopes that Ben and Donna might invite you to the tasting is what I think,” said Timothy evenly, arms folded across this chest.
Una looked at Wanda. “I’m confused. I thought we were just going to Harrods, yes?”
Wanda sighed. “No - and yes. I thought it would be a treat to have a chauffeur for the day. We could even run in and get some tea before we go to Harrods. Our supply of Earl Grey is running low.”
“You’ve been buying your tea at Fortnum and Mason ever since I’ve known you, Wanda,” said Una. “Besides I don’t need any tea.”
"Harrods sells tea in their food hall," Timothy said helpfully.
“I thought some Twinings might be a nice change from the usual.”
“You can get Twinings at Sainsburys,” Una pointed out. “There’s no need to go all the way there...”
Wanda looked at her husband.
Timothy smiled widely at her. Gotcha!
“…unless you had plans to…”
Wanda looked at her shoes. Damn! Una knows me as well as Tim does.
“Alright! I was thinking that being we were already in the car that they would invite us to take part in the tasting!”
Timothy rolled his eyes. I hate it when they think. This is a perfect example of the trouble it causes.
Una shook her head. “Oh, Wanda. Just because you paid for the tasting and car service, it doesn’t give you carte blanche to tag along.”
“What Una’s trying so diplomatically to say is this is none of your business, Pet.”
Una laughed. “True that. We don’t belong there, Wanda. We would be putting them in a terrible position. Knowing your Benedict, he would feel obligated to invite us to join him because that is what a gentleman would do.”
Fifty-fifty on that, thought Timothy. Lately, Ben hasn’t been afraid to stand up to Wanda.
“You also have to consider Donna’s feelings,” continued Una. “It won’t endear you to her, should you just barge in like that and try to take over the tasting.”
Wanda looked aghast. “I would never try to take over the tasting!”
Una and Timothy stared at her.
“I would just sit there and offer my guidance if they picked out something that wasn’t palatable.”
Timothy snorted.
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Wanda!” exclaimed Una. “These aren’t your wedding favours, and neither you nor I belong there. Donna will resent your meddling.”
“It’s not meddling.”
“Oh yes it is!” said Timothy and Una at the same time.
“I have three daughters-in-law, Wanda; and believe me when I tell you that you must always keep on their right side,” said Una. “Because they can make your life hell should you cross them.”
Wanda sighed. “Donna and I get on splendidly.”
“Then you need to keep it that way by not going along with them,” said Una. “Now just leave them to it, and let’s go shopping and have a leisurely lunch at the Cafe just like we originally planned. You were looking forward to trying their braffles.”
“What’s a braffle?” inquired Timothy.
“It’s a cross between a waffle and a brioche,” replied Wanda. “They can be sweet or savoury.”
“Now, I'm intrigued! Tell you what,” said Timothy, getting his mac from the wardrobe. “I volunteer to be your chauffeur for today.”
Una clapped her hands together. “Lovely!”
Wanda said nothing.
"Isn't that generous of Tim to offer to be our driver for the day?" Una asked Wanda.
"Very," snapped Wanda.
Timothy held the door to the flat open and Wanda followed Una. As she brushed by her husband, she muttered under her breath.
“There’s no need to babysit me.”
Timothy smiled thinly at her. “Oh, yes, there is. Now, be a good girl and lock up whilst I go start the car.”
The lift door slid open and Benedict Cumberbatch stepped out into the lobby of the apartment block. Donna was standing near the entrance, back to him, watching the traffic drive past. As he walked towards her, she removed her mobile phone from her purse.
It's amazing how she can find her mobile in seconds in that huge, bloody bag.
She must be ringing me to see where I am.
He quickly silenced his ringer as he crossed the lobby. The instrument vibrated in his hand to announce the incoming call from Donna Saint James.
“Hello, Love.”
“It’s getting late. Where are you?”
Benedict quickly closed the gap between them and came up behind her.
“Standing here, talking to you,” he replied close to her ear.
Donna jumped and whirled around to face him. “You scared the crap out of me!”
“Sorry,” he said crinkling his nose at her. “I couldn’t resist.” Benedict leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “I don’t think I’m terribly late this time.”
No, Ben Honey, that’s because I told you the car was coming earlier than expected; so you’re right on time.
“No. You’re getting better at time management.” She grinned at him.
Why do I have a feeling that she’s telling me to be ready earlier than I need to be?
He stood beside her. “You know I wouldn’t be surprised if Mum were in the car. She’s dying to be at the tasting. It's all she's been talking about the past two days.”
Donna looked up at him. “You don’t think your mother would just invite herself, do you?"
Benedict replied without hesitation. "I think Mum is quite capable of doing so."
"Your dad would never stand for it.”
“I could hear her trying to justify it to him.” He then imitated his mother. “We have every right to come along if we fancy, Tim. After all we did pay for it!”
“That’s frightening, Benedict. You sounded just like Wanda.”
“I’ve had many years to study her,” he laughed.
A black late-model Mercedes sedan pulled up to the entrance.
“And here’s our ride now,” said Benedict, taking her by the hand.
“How do you know for sure?”
Benedict smiled. “I recognize the driver. It’s Alfred. He’s been driving me around since…ever since I’ve needed being driven places. We always request him from the car service company whenever we hire a driver.”
Alfred smiled at them and held open the rear door. “Good Morning, Mr. Cumberbatch.”
“Hello, Alfred. This is my fiancée, Donna Saint James,” Benedict said proudly.
Alfred nodded at Donna. “Nice to meet you, Miss Saint James.”
Once they were settled in the back seat. Alfred resumed his place behind the wheel and eased the car away from the kerb.
“Having you drive us today is a nice surprise,” declared Benedict. “What are the odds of randomly getting us as your passengers?”
“Probably less than five percent,” mused Donna.
Alfred chuckled. “Actually, it was a sure thing being you’re lovely mum requested me.”
Benedict smiled thinly. “I should have known.”
“Oh, so your parents use the same car service,” Donna asked Benedict.
Benedict looked at Donna. “Many film companies use Alfred’s company; so I always request him as I like the way he drives. Alfred has been to Kensington and Gloucestershire many times to pick me up, so he’s gotten to know my parents.”
“I don’t think I’m following you,” said Donna.
Benedict sighed. “Well, there were a couple of times when I was running late…”
Donna tried not to laugh. You mean all the time, Ben Honey.
“And Mrs. Cumberbatch was always kind enough to invite me in for a cuppa and a bacon butty rather than wait outside in the car, bless her,” said Alfred.
She also knew he had three single daughters, thought Benedict.
Now, how did she know that, Benedict?
Because I’ve got a big mouth and mentioned it.
“That was very nice of Wanda,” commented Donna.
“No, it wasn’t,” sneered Benedict. “My mother had an ulterior motive. Mum knew that Alfred had three single daughters and was trying to make a match.”
“Oh,” said Donna. “I see.”
I wonder if this was before she ran the ad for a daughter-in-law?
Alfred smiled in the rear view mirror. “Oh, don’t be so hard on your mum, Mr. Cumberbatch."
"Please call me Ben."
"Ben it is then. Ben, your dear mum only meant well. She was concerned that you weren’t meeting the right kind of woman and wished to see you happy.”
Benedict mimicked his mother’s voice. “Yes, poor pathetic Benedict! We need to find him a bird so he can get married and give us grandchildren!”
Alfred laughed. "That was her mantra, God love her."
"The sheer desperation was driving me mad," said Benedict. "My mother would stop at nothing in her quest for a suitable mate for me."
“We have to give her props for creativity," said Alfred. "I remember the last time I drove her to a film premiere, she was talking about placing an advert for a wife for you…”
“Bloody fucking hell!” exclaimed Benedict. Is nothing sacred in my life???
“Oh, I doubt she would ever do such a thing in reality,” said Alfred quickly. “She was just talking out of frustration.”
Hahaha! Boy, are you wrong! Thought Donna.
Benedict raised an eyebrow. “That’s what you think. My darling mother took it upon herself to do exactly that, Alfred.”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Blimey. I never would have thought in a million years that she’d actually do that. I always assumed she was taking the piss.”
“Nope. She took out an advert in Craigs List for a daughter-in-law.”
Donna looked out the window. Jeez. I hope Benedict doesn't tell him the whole story.
“God love her.”
“Someone has to,” snickered Benedict.
“That was mean, Benedict,” whispered Donna.
Benedict ignored her comment. “You know I half expected to see my mother in the car this morning.”
“Oh, she wouldn’t just come along,” said Donna.
“Just like she wouldn’t go and place an ad for a wife for me,” he snickered.
Valid point, Ben Honey.
Benedict swallowed hard. “Erm…Alfred…we’re not making any other stops, are we?”
“Um…No.”
“I sense a but,” said Benedict.
Alfred cleared his throat. “My first stop was your parents’ home in Kensington. Mrs. Cumberbatch wanted me to pick her and a friend up first…”
"A friend?" asked Donna. "She was going to bring along a friend? Which friend?"
"How would I know," retorted Benedict. "Mum has many friends."
"She arrived as I was leaving. She plays your landlady in Sherlock," said Alfred. "Her name escapes me just now though. She did Rowntree's Dairy Box adverts. I remember her dancing around with a box of chocolates."
“Una Stubbs," said Benedict.
Alfred nodded. "That's her. Una Stubbs. Then I was to go on to collect you and Miss Saint James.”
“So she was going to invite herself along!” exclaimed Benedict. "I knew it!"
Donna sighed inwardly. Wanda has absolutely no shame whatsoever! And I thought my mother was bad.
“Your mum said that being she already hired the car, she wanted to take advantage of the luxury of not having to take the tube over to Harrods.”
“That’s in the other direction,” Benedict pointed out.
“She was going to have me drop you two off at the Twinings store and then go on to Harrods.”
Why do I doubt that was the plan? Thought Benedict. Mum would find a way to follow us inside the store.
Donna licked her lips and said in a low voice, "Somehow I don't buy that."
Benedict was biting his lower lip. "Neither do I."
Jeez Louise! I bet Wanda’s intent was to hope we would invite her in to the tasting being she was in the car. How very crafty she is.
Benedict rubbed the back of his neck. “She was going to have you double back then?”
Alfred nodded. “Yes. That was the original plan.”
“What happened?”
“Your father came on the intercom and told me to just go straight to Miss Saint Jameses flat and that your mother wouldn’t be coming. He said there was a misunderstanding.”
Ah! Thank you, Dad!
Donna laughed, "Tim to the rescue!"
I bet there was quite the row after he left, thought Benedict.
I can just hear Tim telling her off, thought Donna.
“By the way, a representative from Hartswood Productions contacted the company last Tuesday about being your driver for the second year of Sherlock,” Alfred said to Benedict.
“Did you accept?”
Alfred nodded. “Absolutely! They made a most generous offer.”
Donna raised her eyebrows at Benedict. “Since when did you qualify for a driver?”
“Since John negotiated it. He and your mother felt…”
“Talk about mothers who like to be in the thick of things,” sighed Donna.
“…that since the show is a hit and renewed that Martin and I should have our own cars and drivers.”
“Oh, thank God! You won't have to drive that old car of yours anymore!"
Benedict’s face reddened. “Well, Alfred will be driving my car for the time being. Hartswood will pay for a driver, but not a car.”
That car’s a wreck! You need to throw out an anchor to stop it!
“I don’t mind driving your car,” said Alfred. “Really I don’t. I've seen worse.”
Donna smiled to herself. Oh, he’s seen the car.
“There is a possibility that Jaguar might hire me to be their spokesman,” said Benedict. “If we make the deal, then they will provide me with a new Jaguar to drive around for the duration of my contract.”
And you weren’t supposed to say that. Why can't I mind my big mouth?
They drove in silence until they reached the Twinings Store. Alfred pulled up to the kerb and turned to face Benedict and Donna.
“So, just out of curiosity, Ben, did your Mum ever get a response to her advert for a wife for you?”
Benedict cleared his throat. “She got quite the response and interviewed the best qualified candidates.”
"Imagine that," commented Alfred.
He should know that I was one of the responders, thought Donna.
"I never would have thought she'd get a response," mused Alfred.
"If memory serves, there were over fifty responses," said Benedict.
Donna felt her face redden. Please don't say anything else, Ben Honey. Alfred will think I was a pathetic loser.
“Such a shame – all that time and money spent with no result.”
"Well, I wouldn't say that," giggled Benedict. "There was the desired result in the end."
"Oh, of course, you two did manage to meet on your own."
"Yes, that's true."
"It would have been nice had it been because of your Mum's advert."
Benedict grinned as he squeezed Donna's hand.
“Well, yes and no. It's a long story..."
Donna pointed to her watch. "Which we don't have time for, Ben Honey."
"I'd be interested in hearing it one day when you have time," said Alfred.
Benedict grinned. "I can sum it up for you, Alfred. All this time you’ve been driving around with Mum’s top pick for a daughter-in-law in the rear seat!”
"Blimey!" said Alfred. He looked at Donna. "I never would have picked you for one who read the personal ads."
Donna Saint James smiled graciously. "I surprised myself; but as you can see everything worked out in the end. Benedict and I found each other." And I can't fucking believe he managed to condense the story into one brief sentence. There's hope for him yet.
