Chapter Text
Private message: mr sunshine and mr ligma
— Tuesday, 11:45am —
mr ligma:
sometimes friendship is doing your bestie a solid and stabbing them before your enemies can, said mithridates the great
lix, your time has come.
do it. fuckin nerf me before the SPAWN OF SATAN SKINS ME ALIVE.
mr sunshine:
jisung calm down you're overreacting
Changbin’s Nursing Home (6)
— Tuesday, 11:43am —
segmin:
hello hyunjin
contrary to the name above i'm seungmin, assistant branch manager and technically your superior
huynij:
aren't you all technically my superiors?
except for jisung because he's below me
Private message: mr sunshine and mr ligma
— Tuesday, 11:45am —
mr sunshine:
holy shit he fucking killed you dude
mr ligma:
i want daisies at my funeral
and a post mortem flower delivery to hyunjin’s house that spells out “fuck u hwang”
mr sunshine:
that’s not how flower language works
mr ligma:
yeah yeah cottagecore wannabe i just got fucking MURDERED let me have my moment
Changbin’s Nursing Home (6)
— Tuesday, 11:46am —
huynij:
except for jisung because he's below me (Deleted)
does that mean i should call all of you sunbaes?
segmin:
actually the boss allows us to drop honorifics in the group chat
something about “dropping traditional barriers” and “fostering healthy office culture”
idk he’s australian
jisug:
dont just
how dare u
play innocent hwang
i saw what tou wrote
we all did
huynij:
wrote what?
jisug:
jeogiin please
i know your fingers are perpetually on those two goddamn buttonfs
please tell me you have screnshots
joengi:
just your luck
i have fast fingers
and that’s not the only thing that’s fast (Deleted)
chagib:
DAMMIT i didn’t snap it in time
joengi:
that’s why i handle the blackmail in the family
and i happen to have a special folder full of your drunken love texts
chagib:
god fucken dammit
when will i finally get respect in this house
segmin:
it’s changbin’s nursing home
of course we pay you only the highest respects
chagib:
that’s what you do to DEAD PEOPLE, idiot
im still alive and kicking last i checked
segmin:
but for how long
chagib:
…
don’t make me think about this while im drinking my chicken breast shake
felx:
the chances of you dying by cult sacrifice are low
but never zero
huynij:
oh you have no fucking idea
joengi:
you don’t know how close to the truth you are child
daddy:
It’s a bit late to say this, but could we all at least try to get along?
I know you will of course Lix 💗
felx:
thank u babe i feel very validated
daddy:
Anytime, you’re doing amazing sweetie
But for everyone else…
If you can prove that you can all be friends by the end of the week, all of Friday’s drinks will go onto my tab.
jisug:
holy shit FELIX YOU HAVE YOU SHARE YOUR SUGAR DADDY
felx:
HE IS NOT MY SUGAR DADDY OH MY GOD
and it’s CONDITIONAL
NO HAPPY NO MONEY
jisug:
YEAH
LIKE A SUGAR DADDY CONTRACT
felx:
YOU HAVE BEEN READING TOO MANY FANFICTIONS
I BET YOU FANTASISE ABOUT BEING KIDNAPPED BY HARRY STYLES AT NIGHT
daddy:
The condition also applies to you, Lix.
felx:
awwww but babe
daddy:
I’m closing my eyes so your puppy dog eyes won’t work on me.
felx:
dammit
segmin:
you have, and i quote, a "sugar daddy clause" in your "boyfriend contract"
clearly you're only in it for the money
felx:
obviously
otherwise why would i send chan all my best skinny jeans
or give him shoulder massages after long meetings
or bake him brownies for his late nights in the office
clearly im only in it for the money
daddy:
You show him, babe!!!
God, I love you.
jisug:
i dunno about you but im pretty sure god deserted this chat a long time ago
huynij:
what do you mean im right here
jisug:
YOU DON’T GET TO SPEAK TO ME
huynij:
THIS IS A GROUP CHAT
WHERE IS THE SPEAK THAT YOU TEXT OF
felx:
GUYS THINK ABOUT THE MONEY
THE DRINKS
IDK ABOUT YOU GUYS
BUT PERSONALLY
I WANT TO BUST
MY BOYFIE’S WALLET
joengi:
jesus christ i thought you were going to send something else instead
daddy:
I’m graciously ignoring that comment.
The offer still stands, but from the looks of it, not for much longer.
chagib:
can’t believe im acting the grown up but please i’d do anything for free drinks on a friday
inclusive of murder.
jisug:
eye
DAAAAD
CHANGBIN’S THREATENING BODILY HARM ON ME AGAINNNNN
daddy:
My eyes remain closed.
jisug:
MOOOOOM
DAD’S PLAYING FAVOURITES IN THIS RANKLESS AND DEMOCRATIC HOUSEHOLD
huynij:
who the fuck is mom supposed to be
jisug:
i was gonna go with whoever replied first but
clearly you’re the serf
huynij:
you just said RANKLESS and DEMOCRATIC household
jisug:
yeah like FAMILY household
aka THIS GROUP CHAT which you JUST JOINED
you’re the rude fucking guest that barged in the front door and chugged all our orange juice
huynij:
i will ACTUALLY steal all your orange juice just watch me
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
felx:
FREE FOOD.
think about the free food.
huynij:
why bother about free food when i can raid jisung’s fridge yum yum
felx:
um acutally thats not such a good idea
jisug:
dont you FUCKING DARE
TOUCH MY FUCKING CEHEHSECHAKE
OR MY EGGPLANT ICE CREAMFSHFKJSCUCIOXVBWERS
huynij:
what the FUCK is EGGPLANT ICE CREAM EW WHAT THE FUCK
it’s just as it should be. a monster must subsist on monstrosities.
felx:
i tried to warn you.
also since when did you become literate
huynij:
ever since minho-hyung started reading his literature notes aloud to his cats
jisug:
hold your fucking honkeys
you two know each other???
segmin:
we all know each other here we’re all colleagues
jisug:
shush segboy we know you’re married to semantics but im sure you know what i mean
you two
have mutual friends
which means
you two
are chummy chums
best buddies
platonic pals
homo homies
chagib:
we get it sherlock
joengi:
you’ve overran your dramatic tension
the audience is falling asleep
say something funny already
this popcorn is starting to get soggy boooooo
felx:
wait don’t tell me he actually
segmin:
jeongin has a whole bucket spilling onto his desk
felx:
why am i surprised
jisug:
the audacity of you
to treat my noble fihght for my dignity as a mere gladiator sport
at least the fighters are always sexy
joengi:
you do realise that by association
you called hyunjin sexy
jisug:
i realise and that’s on me
segmin:
well at least it speaks true to the embarrassing rant you made during his first day
huynij:
uhhhhhh
what rant
jisug:
YHEAH
WHAT RANT
WHAT
I MADE A RANT
????
SINCEN WHEN
I SUDDENLYNHAEVE SHORT TERM MEMORY WAIT WHOS SEUNGIMN AGAIN
huynij:
What Rant
chagib:
[ Screenshot.jpg ]
huynij:
eye
wow
you thought my smile could make an angel cry?
jisug:
YEAH
ME
THE ANGEL IS ME
I’M CRYING
segmin:
for the record, jisung is not crying
jisug:
SHUT UP YOU’RE RUINING MY MOMENT
anyways
that was a me from long ago
a younger me
back when i was naive and innocent and pure
joengi:
back when you wanted to suck hot delivery boy’s toes
jisug:
IRRELEVANT
huynij:
the f
i do my lil dancey dance (3)
— Tuesday, 12:08pm —
disgusted emoji:
is this why you asked minho hyung to guard his toes???????
baguette emoji:
yes
evil emoji:
I STILL DON’T GET THAT BY THE WAY
Private message: baby ferret~~ and baby chick~~
baby ferret~~:
dude
han jisung has problems
baby chick~~:
tell me about it
he scarred the therapist so bad
i had to step in as a replacement
baby ferret~~:
i salute you for working with this menace to society
your sacrifice will not be forgotten
baby chick~~:
thank you, please remember this in my eulogy
“Lee Felix, Jisung Tamer”
but yknow
he’s not that bad
once you get past the uh
feet thing
maybe you should give him a chance
baby ferret~~:
.
you’re lucky he’s cute
baby chick~~:
im sorry WHATR??????
Changbin’s Nursing Home (6)
— Tuesday, 12:11pm —
chagib:
anyways i feel like we as a society don’t talk enough about how important macaroni is to us
joengi:
no fuck u
penne supremacy
chagib:
you dare question the king that is macaroni???
bitch
joengi:
no im just disagreeing with whatever you say
bitch
segmin:
one peaceful day. one peaceful day is all i ask for.
joengi:
you ask for too much, foolish mortal
huynij:
i have returned
with an offering for the cockroach
jisug:
i’m not interested
huynij:
how did you immediately assume that the cockroach was you
jisug:
why don’t you look in your pantry tonight and find out angel boy
felx:
hyunjin the offering????
huynij:
oh right
so i was thinking
free food right
let’s just ignore each other
until friday is over
then we can sort it out with a good old fashioned fight at a dennys carpark at 3am
segmin:
we don’t even have any dennys in south korea
huynij:
MOVING ON
what do you say, han cockroach
jisug:
…
fine
huynij:
fine
jisug:
FINE
felx:
glad that’s sorted
joengi:
*obnoxiously munches popcorn*
segmin:
once again, can confirm that he is doing this irl
chagib:
hey don’t be stingy give me some
i call older brother privilege
joengi:
you’re only HALF MY BROTHER
that’s only HALF THE PRIVILEGES
and HALF MY HEIGHT
chagib:
im
LITERALLY UNCALLED FOR
felx:
babe does the no fighting clause also apply to half brothers
daddy:
I want to say yes, but I think it’s professional company policy to not interfere in family matters.
Besides, I still need my daily entertainment.
joengi:
holy shit is my drama really being commodified for entertainment????
this is a dream come true
chagib:
you literally make no sense
joengi:
your mom makes no sense
chagib:
WE HAVE THE SAME MOM
i do my lil dancey dance (3)
— Tuesday, 12:20pm —
evil emoji:
hello fellow defective fidget spinners
disgusted emoji:
your capacity for creative thought terrifies me
evil emoji:
thank you for the compliment love
neways
i come bearing news
baguette emoji:
did you finally fix the broken door hinge to the studio
evil emoji:
what
no
that’s an established part of the lore
you can’t just remove such an integral historical element
baguette emoji:
hyung, the door has nearly fallen and broken my neck three times.
and counting.
evil emoji:
with that attitude i’ll make sure the fourth time goes into the lore too
baguette emoji:
fucking fine
keep your emotional attachment to fatal life-threatening objects
whats the news
evil emoji:
guess who broke the bonds of forced labour
who vanquished the cruel tyranny of capitalism
who flipped the monopoly man off whilst walking backwards into financial hell
disgusted emoji:
forgive me if i’m reading this wrong but
you got fired didn’t you
evil emoji:
yeah.
baguette emoji:
and from prior experience with hyunjin i’m just gonna take a wild guess
you need a quick fix from me too
evil emoji:
presto.
although i wouldn’t mind a quickie too ;)
disgusted emoji:
please refer to my name in the chat
evil emoji:
hm like you weren’t ready to make out with me to filth in my apartment two nights before
baguette emoji:
wait THAT’S WHY YOU GUYS WENT OUT FOR DINNER AFTER PRACTICE??????
disgusted emoji:
WE DIGRESS.
but tbh it would be nice to have the moral support
against the cockroach
evil emoji:
bold of u to assume i wouldn’t be a moral menace
disgusted emoji:
oh come on
you never let me into the kitchen
at least let me have this
evil emoji:
yeah but that’s because you put popping candy on sliced bread and called it p-p-pizza
disgusted emoji:
it’s a genius culinary breakthrough and i will not rest until it is served on every street in seoul.
baguette emoji:
both of you are moral menaces to society.
evil emoji:
why thank you
disgusted emoji:
that’s my only accomplishment in life
evil emoji:
so
about that thing
where i’m jobless
and three children to feed
and have rent due in two weeks
and going broke
baguette emoji:
OKAY FINE
i’ll ask chan and see what he can do for you
evil emoji:
you are my favourite dance crew member
disgusted emoji:
this is blatant favouritism
evil emoji:
don’t be stupid
you’re my favourite idiot
disgusted emoji:
aw thanks i love u too <33
baguette emoji:
why did god orchestrate my birth only to let me rot at the hands of these two emotionally constipated morons
evil emoji:
i can easily orchestrate your death for you if you want
say your last words to your beloved boyfriend before i reach ur front door
baguette emoji:
nO THANKS I’LL PASS
disgusted emoji:
don’t u just love it when minho’s in a murderous mood 🥰
baguette emoji:
freaks, the lot of you. you’re all FREAKS.
Private message: my love 🖤 and my love 💛
my love 💛:
hey babe
my love 🖤:
yes babe
my love 💛:
remember minho hyung
the other member of my dance crew
my love 🖤:
i have a vague impression
which mostly involves a knife and an impressive arsenal of threats
my love 💛:
yeah him!!!
so
he’s kind of looking for a job now
my love 🖤:
…
i can see where this is headed
my love 💛:
pleaseeee just check in with hr 🥺🥺🥺
i won’t even be mad if u can’t
i’ll give u all the cuddles and massages
my love 🖤:
THIS IS WHY I CAN NEVER SAY NO TO YOU
my love 💛:
HEHEHEHEHE
THANK YOU LOVE YOU
my love 🖤:
SIGH
love u too