Chapter Text
It was about the third time Harry found himself alone in his house, staring at the text Eggsy sent him, falling into a painful routine of being denied the proximity. Daisy needed baby-sitting. Roxy asked him a day before Harry to go with her for a trip. Eggsy was dead tired after a week and half long mission and couldn’t move out of his bed without somebody lifting him and placing him somewhere else.
Harry thought he understood each and every time, but the more he mauled over it in the dim light of his living room, the less he did. He knew Eggsy was an active young man, he was aware the boy rarely sat still and occasionally even brought trouble with his hyperactivity. And the more those times came, the more Harry thought he just couldn’t keep up with that vigour.
Of course, Harry was always active too, it was in his bones, in the most inner core of his being. Staying idle became almost painful after a while, so he always had to find something to occupy him, but at times… at certain moments he felt like a day off was a brilliant idea – and even more so when Eggsy was around.
It was about three months of their relationship, they settled up in a comfortable rhythm somehow, and even though it was strange at first, almost alien to Harry to suddenly have somebody around him almost constantly, pushing and pulling, he grew to like it.
Maybe a little too much.
That was why the frequent excuses from the boy why he couldn’t come here again started to get under his skin. Maybe this seriously wasn’t a good idea. Maybe he was too weak to give in, too needy to bound the blond to him, even though he warned him, he really did. And yet he felt bad for it, for his own desire to share his life with somebody – well, with a concrete somebody, that is – since it apparently started to backfire gradually.
Eggsy was young – too young actually (it always rang in his head very loudly, just too young, this wasn’t a bearable age difference, this was a perverse one – he could be his father for fuck’s sake). It collided at times between them, it was an apparent obstacle and even though Harry knew better than to use it in an argument, or basically any talk, it was eating him alive.
Of course otherwise they clicked well enough, Harry admitted. Except occasional problems about being reckless during assignments, coming back somehow wounded, it was going smoothly. Eggsy was a cuddly pup, he apparently relished the feeling to be close to Harry, always snuggling close. They were used to sleeping together from the university, so getting back to it was easy and comfortable when Eggsy decided to spend the night.
It wasn’t like they kept the relationship secret, but Harry never actually talked about it outside of the house either, and nor did Eggsy. He was pretty sure Merlin knew, since he always had small, smart remarks that could have been interpreted that way, but Harry never initiated any talk with him to get the facts right.
They usually kept distance at work, him and Eggsy. Remaining professional and careful, even though Harry occasionally felt the carefully balanced control slipping away without his consent. It made him reckless, as much as he was chiding the boy for it, he was making mistakes as well.
Another thing to reconsider, he mused. They both were fixated too much on the other, and that wasn’t good for either of them. Any unnecessary risk any of them took met an unhappy reaction from the other, and Harry could see it was starting to affect them at work as well.
Was it really worth it? Was it alright for them both to risk this much for few moments of comradery?
Not to mention Eggsy could have done better – so much better. If anything, Harry was sure Eggsy and Roxy would make a nice, perfectly functioning pair – they were already very close. Sometimes Harry even found himself mauling over it like a jealous idiot, and it was wrong, so very wrong of him to think about those things. It wasn’t like he doubted Eggsy’s affection. It wasn’t like he doubted his own.
He just wasn’t sure. And the more texts of not coming over today, sorry were getting him even worse, until he found himself on a verge of breaking it off completely.
It was ridiculous, really. It was him who made this happen after all. Him who pushed Eggsy where he wanted him, him who set all the traps to catch his prey, him who planted all the ideas to Eggsy’s pretty head, just to feel bad about it now, when it wasn’t going according to his plan.
If he had a plan in the first place.
It was more of a spontaneous decision, like holding back wasn’t an option anymore, like he needed to actually claim the boy as his to calm down. And Eggsy was willing, even though before the mission it probably never had even crossed his mind.
It was better to end it, wasn’t it. It was better for both of them, for their own sanity, for the safety. Eggsy had his whole life before him and Harry wasn’t fair to hold him back only because he was selfish and liked the boy too much.
If only his father knew…
Harry shuddered, putting the phone away and rubbed his eyes. So many displeasing thoughts, that couldn’t be healthy. He got up and left the living room in slow, tired pace.
Maybe Eggsy was getting tired of him in the end? Maybe all those apologies for not being able to come were just a hoax? Maybe he didn’t want to spend too much time with Harry, maybe he had other hobbies, other ideas. Maybe he was slowly falling out of it, his affection too unstable as young people were.
Maybe he met someone else and wasn’t sure how to break it up to Harry after this time.
Harry shook his head, chiding himself for such stupid thought. If Eggsy did that, he would tell him. The amazing quality this boy had was loyalty and honesty to people he cared about. And Harry could tell he cared about him a lot, there was no way he would lie to him and deceive him this way.
He languidly approached the stairs, started ascending with heavy feet. He wasn’t physically tired, but somehow his body was refusing to cooperate properly. Another reason this union was bad – if it affected him this way already, what would happen in a year?
He almost miss stepped when a bell ran at the main door, and he raised an eyebrow and got back down. Tips of his fingers were tingling, heart started speeding up the moment he got closer to the door in foolish hope Eggsy was there, changed his mind about staying home after all.
He was like a lovesick teenager, this had to stop.
He opened the door with a deep sigh and almost choked on it when the blond boy really stood behind them, his hair ruffled, eyes a little sleepy, and before Harry could say anything, he stepped close and leaned into Harry like he was the only possible surface he could rest against.
“Bring me to bed,” Eggsy mumbled into Harry’s shoulder, nosing the sweater like a puppy that just got to his master. “Or I will pass out right here.”
Harry wanted to say something, but words died in his throat before he could even open his mouth, so he lifted Eggsy instead, letting him curl around him, and carried him to the bedroom like a baby.
“You wrote you won’t come today,” he found his voice a while later when he put the blond on the mattress, slowly getting rid of the clothing Eggsy had on him.
“You haven’t replied to the text,” Eggsy responded tiredly, barely rising his hips to get rid of the jeans he was wearing. “I gathered you are angry. Came to make it up to ya, but I feel like I can barely talk, not to mention actually make any amends.”
Harry sighed and pulled a shirt over Eggsy’s head, then pushed him to the lying position and threw a blanket over him.
“It’s alright,” he said a little stiffly even to his own ears, gently rubbing the boy’s knuckles. His hands were a little cold. “I’m not angry.”
“You’re a shitty liar,” Eggsy chuckled and snuggled deeper into covers, his hand grabbed Harry’s and pulled at it. “Come here.”
“Eggsy…”
“Hm?”
“I don’t want you to come here out of obligation,” Harry said shortly, immediately earning a firmer squeeze for it.
“What obligation?” the blond frowned at him, apparently already picking up something was wrong. “I’m here cuz I want to be.”
“That’s not what you said before,” Harry pointed out a little too stubbornly, he realized that.
“Are you bonkers?” he stared at him unhappily and at that moment Harry wondered why exactly did he bring that up now. It wasn’t like he wanted to fight, or argue, or anything along these lines. He was delighted Eggsy showed up, his body was completely honest with that, and yet the over analytical part of him decided to ruin it.
Well, there was a reason why he didn’t do relationships after all.
“Something is eating ya,” Eggsy grumbled and dragged himself up to a sitting position. His body radiated exhaustion and Harry wanted to push him back to the covers, but the blond caught his hand and refused to move. “Spit it out.”
“I thought you’re tired,” Harry opposed, suddenly not wanting to talk at all, but the stubborn look Eggsy adopted told him he wouldn’t get out of it so easily.
“Harry,” Eggsy hissed warningly. “I’m tired and cranky and the mission didn’t exactly go according to plan, so I’m also pissy, that’s why I thought it’s better to scream into my own pillow and then sleep through it without snapping at ya. You understand that, right?”
“The mission didn’t go well?” Harry tried to change the subject and Eggsy slapped his hand.
“Stop that,” he pointed at the older agent warningly. “It’s exhausting being the mature one here.”
Harry hummed, giving a point to the boy for having the guts, and circled the bed, just to slip under covers on the other side. Eggsy watched him the whole time like a predator, and once Harry settled down, the blonde’s face softened and he snuggled closer to Harry’s frame like he accepted the apology.
I probably should apologize, Harry thought.
“It’s tiresome, innit,” he heard Eggsy rumble sleepily. “Being unsure.”
“Yes,” Harry agreed easily, pulling his smaller frame closer to his own, sharing the heat. “But there is no way to be completely sure.”
“Gotta trust a bit, ye?” Eggsy yawned and pinched Harry to his side, like a reprimand. “And stop being ridiculous.”
“Of course,” Harry kissed the top of Eggsy’s head and his eyelids slowly dropped.
“Love ya,” Eggsy piped and it made Harry smile and repeat the phrase back.
He was reckless and jealous, but it wasn’t time to give up on this, ever.