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4:30 am
that's the first thing i saw after waking up. it was dark, it was quiet and the first thing i saw was red light saying that it was four thirty in the morning.
i couldn't sleep right after.
i didn't have a bad dream. the nightmares have been gone for a long while now that i can't remember when i last had one. i'm thankful though. that the nightmares are gone. but some part of the broken me (i didn't like saying that i was broken. it's unbearable to hear and admit) had lingered somehow where my mind just stops wanting to sleep because i'm afraid that the nightmares will come back.
and everything will just repeat.
4:39 am
i look to the digital clock again. it was still dark. i didn't move. i didn't want to. i can't. i didn't want to wake you after all (even though I'm sure you probably won't wake up). it's nice having someone in my arms. it's quiet. all i can hear is your breathing and your silent murmurs. the only thing that passed through my mind was that i owe you.
everything.
4:46 am
the darkness is odd. to think that i almost succumbed to going blind because i thought it was all my fault (it took me months to finally accept it wasn't). i regret a lot of what i did. in a way, i did succumb to the darkness. carrying all that, hiding away from the people who are practically family to me, not telling them anything.
i feel bad that i had to worry them. especially jumin. he knew what was happening, that i was hiding something but he still tried so hard to keep trusting me (sometimes i wished he would just give up. it would've been easier. )
maybe i'll get him that cat headset that we saw as teenagers (the one with the sensors and the ears move. that was cool).
4:58 am
almost 5. seems like forever. it isn't as dark anymore. atleast, i think it's not as dark anymore. maybe my eyes had just adjusted. i wanted to take a picture of you. sleeping here. you looked amazing. bed hair and drool and all. but the camera won't be able to capture what i see in you. and... that'd be rude.
5:16 am
your breaths and warmth are lulling me to sleep... but not sleep. it's more like a non-thinking trance. it's basically sleep but not really closing your eyes. or like drifting off to another topic or thought but you snap out and you've forgotten what you were thinking about. maybe that's true daydreaming since you forget the thought. i don't know.
i wonder what you're dreaming about. what you're thinking. you're always so random at times. it's adorable though. you have such an odd mind, i wonder what it would be like being inside it and hearing and understanding your thoughts. i think it'd be amazing. in fact, i'm sure it's amazing. no matter what morbid, disgusting or beautiful thing is inside your head, i'd probably still love it about you.
5:30 am
it's getting brighter, i'm sure. i'm glad i took that offer from jumin about fixing my eyes. i love looking at you. just taking in all the details from your face to everything else. like your habit of tying your hair at night because you said you like the way your messy hair looks in the morning. i like your messy morning hair too.
speaking of hair. yoosung finally dyed his hair back to its original color. he left the style though. he doesn't really have a grudge on me anymore after the whole mint eye thing. he was mad at me at the time though. in fact, everyone was mad after finding out. but i didn't really know that. you told me about it after i woke up.
5:42 am
i remember you were the first person i saw after waking up. i was apparently in a comma for about 2 weeks after getting shot (it was a miracle that i managed to survive, the doctor said). i'd be lying if i said i didn't cry after you held me in your arms so gently and told me that it was over and everything was fine.
before all that, you made me stay in rika's apartment because i wanted to check on you if you were part of the mint eye at all (which thank god, you weren't) but a storm came and you insisted that i stay. i still don't know how you did it but you managed to get all my secrets out of me. i cried that time as well. that was also the time i knew that there was something about you.
i'm glad i stayed.
5:56 am
after waking up, at least one person from rfa (which has disbanded) would visit and stay for the day. it was usually you (i'm glad it was you). you would bring a new puzzle every day after i said i liked them. it was either 500 pieces or a thousand pieces. the thousand ones took about two days though which one of the other members had to deal with (jaehee said it was nice for everyone because it was something relaxing to do).
saeyoung popped up whenever he could since his twin brother was recovering as well at the time. I felt bad for just letting what happened to him and not telling saeyoung. he didn’t deserve what happened to him especially after i found out about their mother. saeyoung said it was fine and saeran was getting better.
everyone visited on the day the both of us were allowed to get out of the hospital. we all ate out and just stayed in the park after (saeyoung, yoosung and zen were actually playing in the playground with the kids there). that night, i finally had the guts to admit i loved you.
i love you so much.
6:12 am
there was something about you that was missing with rika. i knew rika loved me sincerely (before her mental illness took over) but it was just... it all revolved around her (maybe that's why i called her the sun...). it was partially my fault since i let it happen like that. i was in deep with her and everything did revolve around her at the time. rika is (was) amazing.
but with you... it was like two stars orbiting each other. i was willing to give you anything (you saved me after all) and you reciprocated back by always asking. by being patient and understanding. it wasn't so much as a give and take but more like a give... and give thing.
and i liked the idea of two stars dancing together more.
6:22 am
you had this habit of bothering me when you were bored. you would do something small like poking me repeatedly, hugging me out of nowhere or just straight up ask "hey jihyun". i knew the answer(well, answers) but i would still hum in response waiting for you to tell me.
"i love you"
and i would always say it back. or on bad days (yours or mine)(it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad day), you would slowly come closer and do it but respond with "you're great" "why are you so amazing" or to get a laugh, you'd say "you should be in jail for shooting so many beautiful things" or some cheesy pick up line like that.
i love these moments.
6:34 am
you turned in your sleep, now facing me. the sun has risen at this point but all i could look at was you. i felt bold so i gave you a kiss in the forehead and held you closer. you were a heavy sleeper. i found that out the night i slept at the apartment. the thunder was loud and the rain was absolutely pouring. you were still asleep though.
there was also that one time you fell asleep on the ride when we were going to one of jumin's villas for a small christmas gathering for a week and i just found it so funny that you managed to sleep through the whole ride with saeyoung and zen having a singing contest (jaehee won)(we don't know how it happened but everyone just joined in somehow). you were so upset no one woke you up (as bewildered we were by the fact that you weren't woken up by our ruckus) but luckily the driver had it all recorded (it was a thing in jumin's vehicles just in case there would be some business talking in the car).
and funny thing was, you do wake up if someone called your name.
or maybe that's just me.
6:41 am
sunlight was already seeping through the curtains and it just hit your face so perfectly i couldn't help myself reaching out to my phone on the bedside table by the clock and take a picture of us. i sent it to you just so you won't kill me for taking a picture of you sleeping in secret.
i smiled. you looked so perfect. that isn't the case though in a literal sense. god forbid someone let you cook. sure, you knew how to make simple things, usually instant food but somehow, it doesn't always turn out right. you did bake really good cookies and biscuits though. sometimes cake if you were sure you could do it right without burning the house down. other than that, it isn't really recommended.
i could list all the flaws i knew about you.
but i like them all so i don't really know if they count.
6:50 am
i hope i get the courage to ask you to stay one day. to have you wear a ring i would work hard for (you made it clear you wanted something that came from me). it's still too early though (literally and figuratively) and i'm still scared. but one day i'm sure i'll get the guts to ask you just like i had the guts to tell you i was so hopelessly in love with you.
i have hope.
6:59 am
you nuzzled your head closer to me and i just watched you in adoration because you're too amazing for your own good. i was so sure back then that i wouldn't be able to love anyone this much ever again but i'm glad i was wrong. you were the wrong thing that turned out so right.
and looking back at it, i'm sort of glad for all the bad that happened that lead you here
7:06 am
Your eyes fluttered open and all I could think about was how the day starts here when you're finally awake. The first thing you do was yawn and look at me still half asleep. I chuckled softly and gave you another kiss on the head. You hummed before turning and looking at the clock i've been checking for almost 3 hours.
"Jihyun, How long have you been awake?"
This time, I was the one who nuzzled to you.
"4:30"
You held me closer, bringing your arms around my shoulders.
"You should've woken me up..."
"Don't worry. It wasn't a dream or anything."
"But still..."
I liked the fact that you cared so much about me. I wasn't afraid of what you thought of me because I know you care. I knew you would do anything to make sure I was okay just as much I would do anything to make sure you were okay. You've helped me so much on being sure about myself. Being sure was nice.
I pulled away to look at you again. I like you more when you're awake because I get to see your smile and eyes. And your hair looks just like the way you like it. I smiled apologetically and the pout on your face changed to a smile.
"Hey Jihyun."
I like the way you say my name. What was the word for it? Mellifluous. Or was it euphonious? I don't remember. You loved big words. It was your thing. I liked it too so I try my best to remember them.
I hummed in response, a grin slowly settling on my lips.
You grinned.
"I'm so glad you told me you love me."
"And why is that?" I responded, knowing exactly where this was going while going near you to give you butterfly kisses because you liked them. You giggled (because of what you were about to say or that the kisses tickled you, I'm not sure).
"Because I'm 4:30-nate enough to wake up with the one I love every morning. "
You said with your tongue out and I couldn't help myself but laugh.
"Hey Y/N."
You hummed in response, your brow raising in question but a smile will plastered on your face. I kept giving you kisses with a smile.
"I'm glad you think you're 4:30-nate to wake up to me but I should tell you I like waking up earlier than you " I said pulling away.
"And why is that?" You asked, your eyes seem to sparkle knowing exactly where this was going but still surprised at the turn of events. I don't do this often.
"Because it dawned on me that I love looking at your sleeping face." I said with a soft look. It wasn't a lie but I still like you awake more.
You didn’t' laugh. You just stared at me, probably still processing what I said.
"Oh my god."
I laughed.
"Oh my GOD."
I laughed harder. I don't do this often. Actually, I don't do it at all.
"Ohman, you made a pun. How long did you think of that?" You said, holding your face, sat up. Your ears were red.
"Just now." I hummed, closing my eyes.
"Wow."
"Wow indeed."
I opened my eyes and you were beaming at me before bursting out laughing.
"Oh my god, i just... I can't."
I gave a smile. Your laugh a melody to my ears.
I looked at the clock.
7:26 am
"Well, that's one way to start the day." You said still giggling. Light rays from outside hitting your face and I couldn't help but stare with a loving smile (at least I hope it was a loving smile) as dust glittered the room. You were stunning, perfectly imperfect in every way possible.
I nodded before sitting up myself to start the day.
One way to start the day indeed.