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Grantaire's orgasm reports are always entertaining, even when they're just terse notes with absolutely no details. Maybe even especially then, because Grantaire didn't have time or wasn't in the mood to talk, but he still sent them. He was still being Enjolras's obedient boy.
The ones Enjolras gets overnight are either terse or rambling, and sometimes Enjolras gets the impression that Grantaire stayed up late and jerked off at 4AM just to make some kind of point to Enjolras. Enjolras isn't sure what that point is, but he wonders sometimes.
This morning is a very short orgasm report, no details other than Grantaire's start-to-finish time estimate, but then it becomes a rambling discussion about metamorphoses and Hyacinth. Enjolras sips his coffee as he reads through it, smiling ruefully, but then hits:
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we pushed this objectification thing we've been playing at to its inevitable conclusion.
Enjolras puts his mug down quickly. For good measure, he picks it up again and puts it somewhere he can't accidentally knock it over if he makes any sudden moves.
I think it might be fun sometime if we completely offend your sensibilities and say this is a free pass on the rights of men, this is a no-innate-dignity-of-human-beings zone. Which made more sense in my head.
Enjolras unzips his pants.
You know by now that sometimes I just want to stop having to make choices and decisions, but I want to go further and do things like not *be a person*. It's just too much to ask for some days. I know the *why* of this isn't likely very healthy and you might want to safeword out of having anything to do with it, but, hey, sir, we've gone this far. Why not go further?
But the point *was*, before it rolled away from me, that I jerked off (and for some ineffable reason, this is important information in your existence) thinking about:
I want to forget that I can consent to sex, and just be used.
Because I'm your toy and that's what I'm here for.
It ends there and Enjolras wants to shake his laptop, like that would get more of Grantaire's fantasy on to Enjolras's screen. Enjolras grabs his phone, but there are no new texts from Grantaire, just a follow-up from Bossuet about housing resources.
Enjolras scrolls back up the e-mail and reads through it again, stroking his cock lightly. It's a good fantasy, although, yes, somewhat worrying. But Enjolras pushes that to the back of his mind. If they ever go anywhere with this, then they'll talk about it, and Enjolras will make sure that it won't hurt Grantaire. But for now, for this...
Enjolras stands up and flops down on his bed. He kicks his pants down and rolls over to grab lube from the night table. Then, thinking about it, he grabs Grantaire's collar, too.
If he had Grantaire...
If he had Grantaire, if they were doing this, he'd have Grantaire tied down. No, tied in place.
But it would have to start earlier, have to get Grantaire in the right headspace before bringing out the restraints. No, he'd start by gagging him. Enjolras hasn't actually purchased any gags, because he has, despite what Grantaire thinks, been trying to keep his sex toy collection restricted to only things he has reasonable expectation he'll use. And he hasn't honestly considered using gags, not seriously. He loves Grantaire's mouth too much to take the option away.
He can go and talk to the sales associates, ask what's comfortable for long term use. It wouldn't be for too long, but he'd want Grantaire comfortable. Enjolras likes the look of ball gags, but doesn't like how uncomfortable they look, and he hasn't done extensive research into gags at all. He'd have to start.
But he'd get Grantaire into a comfortable gag, something that doesn't put too much strain on his jaw. Something that makes it very clear that he's not here to talk.
Enjolras whimpers.
And then after that, after he gags Grantaire and, um, makes sure there's a nonverbal safeword, Enjolras'll figure out that part later, ignore that for now, ignore the part where Grantaire says he wants to forget that he's a human being who can give consent, think about playing with Grantaire like he plays with his toys and not about the very worrying thought that Grantaire wants to forget he's a human being and Enjolras isn't sure, at all, if he should be indulging this.
But deal with that later.
He'd have Grantaire gagged and maybe Enjolras wouldn't be saying much either. Grantaire likes him vocal, says it keeps him centered and reminded who's in charge, but if they're really playing that Grantaire's just a toy for him, well, that would mean that Enjolras is talking to himself, wouldn't it?
That shouldn't make him so hard. He's going to be very ashamed later at how hard this is making him.
But Grantaire still is his boy, so Enjolras will talk to him, keep him calm. He'll narrate everything; Grantaire'll love that. He loves being told what Enjolras is about to do to him.
So Enjolras will tell him that Enjolras is going to practice blowjobs, and he's using his favorite dildo to do it. And his favorite dildo is always hard for him and always stays where he puts it -- Enjolras ignores all the times he's dropped his actual favorite dildo or it's rolled away, hm, maybe he actually should be tying things in place, something to consider for the future -- and so Enjolras ties Grantaire to the bed.
And he does it quickly, he doesn't stop to make sure Grantaire's comfortable, because that's not the point, but he knows Grantaire will be comfortable, he'll make damn sure of it, but he won't let Grantaire know he's making sure. As far as Grantaire's concerned, Enjolras may as well be forgetting that Grantaire's his boyfriend.
Should he blindfold Grantaire, too? Enjolras considers it, forcing his right hand to move slower on his cock. He's rubbing Grantaire's collar with his left hand, running his fingers over it in short quick repetitive bursts, twisting his fingers through the rings, and, yes, of course, he collars Grantaire for this, too. Puts his collar on him, because toys have owners, that's what gives them purpose, and oh, fuck that's good, that's so good, that's so-- Grantaire, his head tipped back, collar proudly around his throat, his mouth gagged and silenced but always and forever, always still begging, because Grantaire will always beg, and he'll be trying to stay still, and he'll be tied tightly with very little slack, so he'll be held in place and just aching and wanting, and, no, he won't be blindfolded, Enjolras wants to see in Grantaire's eyes how much he needs it, wants to see when Grantaire squeezes his eyes shut and tries to get himself under control because Enjolras, oh, he's not done yet. He's not done yet at all. He's barely gotten started.
He'll put a condom on Grantaire for this, because cleanliness with toys is important, and it'll do wonders for reminding Grantaire what they're there to do. And then Enjolras will grab Grantaire's hips, splay his fingers over his skin, and he'll give Grantaire a moment to remember that this time he's not allowed to come. At all. Because toys are always hard for their owners. Always.
And then he'll have fun. Everything he's ever wanted to do to Grantaire's cock, he'll do. He's going to lick and suck and use his teeth and try to deepthroat and he's going to get his hands on Grantaire's ass and squeeze. He's going to take so much advantage.
And Grantaire-- Grantaire's going to be so desperate, but he'll be so good. Maybe Enjolras should blindfold him after all, do enough sensory deprivation that all Grantaire will be able to focus on is his cock, he'll have nothing else to distract him. And if Grantaire can't see him, if he can't watch, then he won't be forewarned when Enjolras decides to change things up. When Enjolras decides that he wants to see what else this toy can do and takes Grantaire's balls in his hand and--
Fuck, he's close, he's so close, and, fuck, Grantaire would be, too, that's why Enjolras will stop sucking his cock and start seeing what other kinds of fun he can have with this toy. And he won't be letting Grantaire come, not at all, no matter how much Grantaire wants him to, Enjolras is going to get him to the edge and then back off, tease him again and again, until Enjolras is done playing that game. Grantaire's going to be a wreck by the time Enjolras is done with him and then, then he's going to untie him, but keep him gagged, and pull him off the bed.
Grantaire would probably find it hard to stand, but that's okay, he doesn't have to, just has to kneel on the floor, waiting. And then Enjolras will wipe him clean, and maybe it'll be too late by then, but fuck it, fuck it all, he's going to put Grantaire in some kind of chastity. Yes, after, because it's just part of keeping his toys in good condition, isn't it? Got to put things away well, and once he's done with Grantaire's cock, he's going to make sure it's not getting up to anything until he damn well thinks it should. Nothing's going to happen until Enjolras wants it to, so he lovingly puts Grantaire's cock away where it can't get into any mischief, then he finishes getting Grantaire cleaned up, all ready to be put away until the next time, and fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Enjolras breathes hard, wiping his hand off on his chest. "Fuck," he whispers, for good measure.
Fuck.
Fuck, that was intense. He hasn't had a jerk-off fantasy that intense in a while. Fuck.
Enjolras presses his hand against his eye and wonders what the fuck he should tell Grantaire about all of this.
He really not sure if this is a fantasy he should be encouraging. Some kinks shouldn't leave the inside of his head; they can do too much harm. And this might be a terrible idea, but, on the other hand, the reasons probably fall under Grantaire's charming 'condescending bullshit' category. Which would be Grantaire giving him a second-opinion right there on if they should do it. Except Grantaire's e-mail had been about self-worth, not submission -- he wants to forget he can consent in general, not that he can consent to Enjolras. And once Grantaire's sense of self-worth and dignity come into play, that's goddamn serious and Enjolras should probably not tap dance on it and use it as a kink. Probably.
Probably.
But Grantaire might like it, and Combeferre would point out that Enjolras is being needlessly puritan about his kinky sex life, and both of those are good points.
But using Grantaire like an object, that's in many ways actually worse than master/slave play. But Enjolras hasn't objected to their objectification play in the past. But it's never gotten this far. If he's going to gag Grantaire because toys don't talk... that's a line. That's a pretty big line. Enjolras isn't sure if he wants to cross it.
Where are the limits here? He'd probably need them if they did this, maybe even more limits than Grantaire would need. There are lines he doesn't want to ever cross with Grantaire and doing anything that makes it seem like he is just in this for the sex, that he's just using Grantaire, that Grantaire is just convenient masturbatory material -- that's not a fun kink for either of them, Enjolras is pretty damn sure.
But it's a really hot fantasy.
But just because it's a really hot fantasy doesn't mean it has to become reality. He can put that line wherever he wants, can decide what he wants to discuss with Grantaire and what would be better off untried.
But Grantaire did just suggest this.
But there's no need to set himself challenges to prove his ability to be open-minded and fun. They already do a lot of open-minded and fun things. There's no reason for him to try to find a way to make himself comfortable with the idea of doing this. There are things in this world that don't belong in their bedroom and that's fine.
But if he wants to, and Grantaire wants to, and they both think it's a good idea to try... why not try? They could always find out that the experiment is a failure, but that's okay, plenty of experiments fail. That's why you have contingency plans.
And, but, and... and Enjolras really isn't sure about this.
It's not like anal; that's actually important. He wants to be able to get fucked without it being awkward and terrible. It just takes practice. He'll figure it out; they haven't exhausted all of the possibilities yet and he really does love the idea of getting fucked. He'll be damned if he can't get the reality to conform to his expectations. He's got a practice regimen and a set of exercises and everything. He's going to wow Grantaire with his ability to take a cock. It's just going to take time.
But objectification? That's not important. There's no point to trying it if the thought of doing it makes him want to curl up around Grantaire and never let him know that Enjolras thinks this is very hot, because then Grantaire will want to do it, and then they'll try it, and he'll hurt Grantaire, he'll hurt him, because Grantaire still holds Enjolras's opinion much too highly, and if he thinks, even for a moment, that Enjolras doesn't value him as a human being, that's actually a problem.
But Grantaire's really going to call all of that 'condescending bullshit' and look at Enjolras like Enjolras is being very disappointing, and Enjolras just doesn't know what to do with all of that.
He pulls out his phone and texts Courfeyrac: 'Why is sex so complicated?'
Courfeyrac is, as always, unhelpful. 'Are you feeling guilty about your erections again?' He follows it up with: 'don't answer, save time and just call him already.'
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Enjolras says.
And, fuck it, but he really has been trying to be better about all of this.
He opens up Grantaire's e-mail and starts typing. He likes the idea in theory, thinks it could easily be a disaster in reality, if they tried it, they'd have to be careful to stay within certain hard and fast lines. That there's a lot in this that Enjolras needs to avoid for his own sake, and would like to avoid for Grantaire's. That this could come really close to hurting both of them, but that it also could be really fun and rewarding to try, if they could avoid the problems and stick with the parts that they both liked. That it would take a while to iron out the problems but that, if they could agree on what the problems even were and how to deal with them, that they could both have a lot of fun. There, Enjolras decides. That should cover it. But there are a lot of potential problems and issues with trying this, and I understand if this fantasy isn't important enough to you to make that worthwhile. And, personally, I'm not 100% sure this is something I'm completely comfortable with trying, but I want you to know, I think it's a great fantasy. If you want to keep it as a fantasy, I will always want to hear about it. But the ball's in your court on if we want to make it a reality. As always, thank you for your honesty and your reports. -Enjolras