Work Text:
Sunday, 5:36 p.m.
Grantaire: so what’s it going to take to get you to bend me over your kitchen table & fuck me so hard i feel you in me for a week? ;)
Courfeyrac: probably a lot of wine tbh
Grantaire: oh fuck, sorry courf. meant to send that to marius
Courfeyrac: oh of course no problem
by which I mean WHAT
Grantaire: sometimes when i get bored i sext marius & then follow it up w/ “oops sorry that was supposed to go to enjolras”
i’ve done it like six times now and he still hasn’t worked out i’m doing it on purpose
it’s pretty gr8
Courfeyrac: ah well thats a relief i was afraid id have to challenge you to a duel
Grantaire: yes, because cheating on enjolras with marius is totally something i’d do
Courfeyrac: well yes for that but mostly i meant for sexting marius at all
if anyones sexting marius its going to be ME
or cosette i suppose
Grantaire: or eponine
Courfeyrac: ah yes, no more absinthe for that one, eh
also just to be clear you dont really ever have sex on enjolras’ kitchen table do you
i mean its not particularly sturdy, im worried for your safety
also worried for my health b/c i have eaten at that table multiple times
Grantaire: uh
i’m gonna try sending that msg to marius again okay bye
Courfeyrac: ur the worst
Sunday, 5:54 p.m.
Grantaire: so what’s it going to take to get you to bend me over your kitchen table & fuck me so hard i feel you in me for a week? ;)
Marius: oh god
sorry R it’s me again
i don’t know why this keeps happening. it’s probably my fault.
maybe something’s wrong with my phone?
Grantaire: oops! sorry about that :)
Sunday, 5:58 p.m.
Grantaire: so???
Bahorel: he got the text 3 min ago & he still looks like a tomato
Grantaire: classic
Monday, 6:17 p.m.
Grantaire: hey when are you done with class?
Enjolras: not for another hour or two, I think. this review session feels like it’s going to take a while.
Grantaire: well let me know if/when you feel like coming over. or i could go over there. we could do a review session IN MY PANTS
Enjolras: that doesn’t make any sense.
Grantaire: yeah, i know
pretty sure it would make marius blush, tho
Enjolras: what?
Grantaire: never mind
Monday, 8:49 p.m.
Joly: do you think i use too much cinnamon in my snickerdoodles?
Grantaire: do youu think im incapapble of sincerity?/
Joly: what?
Grantaire: idk
just
u knowq how i make jokes when im uncomfortble?
Joly: NO
Grantaire: theres nothinggg attractive about sacrasm jolllllly
Joly: HA
Grantaire: well aNyway sometimes imake jokes when im uncomfortable
Joly: like that time i complimented you on your scarf (bc it brought out the color of your eyes!) & you said you stole it from a man you strangled and dumped in the river
Grantaire: what does that evne have to do with anythng
Joly: it means you’re incapable of taking a compliment
which is NOT the same thing as being incapable of sincerity so???
Grantaire: or maybe i really did kill that man what do u know
ANYWAY
Joly: okay but wait first how drunk are you and are you alone right now
Grantaire: only a lilll i swear
im in bed w a bottle of wine n neftlix its fine
messy mmonday yeahhh
9pm. drinking FUCKYEAH
Joly: okay
drink lots of water
Grantaire: thatsnot the poinT
theres nothign sexy about hte phrase ”party in mypants”; is there
Joly: um, not really?
Grantaire: thats whta i thought
but idk all the actually sexyy stuff is so painfully cliche nd i cant take it srslsy
or i guess
i just get self concsious u know
or u think that HE wont tkae me srrsly so i turn itinto a joke b4 anyone can laugh ! me
@me
hm
Joly: what are we even talking about
maybe you should go to bed
also please dont text anyone else, i dont want you to get in trouble
Grantaire: sigh fine ill try agian tomor row
wish me luck
i can do dit
itll be so hot just u wait
Joly: maybe i should ask someone else about my snickerdoodles
Monday, 10:06 p.m.
Grantaire: heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Enjolras: hey yourself
we just finished, finally
should I come over?
Grantaire: heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Enjolras: we already did this part.
Grantaire: wanfalk come ovre n htelb fucdk mee rela; real goodn hardddddsdj;a
12 minutes later
Enjolras: was that it?
11 minutes later
Enjolras: maybe another night, then.
Wednesday, 2:19 p.m.
Grantaire: hey
what’re you wearing? ;0
*;)
Enjolras: for the last time, just because this shirt is red and plaid it does not make me look like a Canadian lumberjack.
and even if it did, it was only funny the first three times.
Grantaire: not actually what i meant but
nvm
Enjolras: okay
if you need to borrow any of my clothes go ahead if that’s what you meant
are you still at my apartment?
Grantaire: nope nope we’re all good carry on
see you later
Enjolras: okay
Wednesday, 2:31 p.m.
Grantaire: just for curiosity’s sake have you ever sexted anyone
Eponine: …are you trying to bring up the incident with the absinthe so you can laugh at me?
that is a low blow mister
Grantaire: no no no not referring to that at all
i was just wondering
like in general
Eponine: …maybe. why?
Grantaire: no reason just curious haha
um
so how did you…start?
Eponine: are you asking me for advice on how to sext your boyfriend?
Grantaire: haha what no
emphatically no
i mean
sort of yes?
Eponine: omg
Grantaire: i swear to god eponine
TELL NO ONE
Eponine: LIKE I WOULD
YOURE THE ONE WHO BLABBED ABOUT THE ABSINTHE THING ALL OVER TOWN
Grantaire: fair point
although i don’t think telling courfeyrac is the same thing as blabbing about it all over town
anyway he asked
he wanted to know why marius was choking on his food
my blabbing could very well have saved marius’ life
Eponine: if you want my help you d better stfu now
Grantaire: shutting
Eponine: some begging also wouldnt hurt
Grantaire: PLEASE eponine. please help me in my noble quest to virtually fuck my boyfriend. please. i’m on my knees. begging. i need you.
Eponine: well i can’ see we’re already off to a fantastic start if you want to go for the D/s kinda sexting
okay start simple…like: thinking of you
Grantaire: winky face?? NO WINKY FACE?? AHHHH
Eponine: i don’t think you should try the winky face until you have more experience under your belt
proper execution of the winky face is some next level shit
Wednesday, 2:45 p.m.
Grantaire: thinking of you
Enjolras: you too
Wednesday, 2:46 p.m.
Grantaire: he said you too!!!
Eponine: good start! okay now try something like: bored…
(its good to keep it short. this is gonna turn into you talking about jerking off, fyi. protip: always use lots of ellipses, its v come hither))
Grantaire: this is a super weird text convo to be having with one of my best friends
Eponine: deal with it
Wednesday, 2:49 p.m.
Grantaire: so bored…
Enjolras: you could try watching the west wing DVDs I lent you.
Grantaire: haha no
not really in the mood for that rn
Enjolras: well regardless, you should at least try the pilot.
Grantaire: i actually already did
Enjolras: really? when?
Grantaire: like a week ago
i finished the whole first season
but anyway
Enjolras: what did you think?
Grantaire: super bored…
i liked it
Enjolras: and?
Grantaire: and what?
Enjolras: come on, what’d you think?
Grantaire: i liked it
Enjolras: what were your favorite parts?
Grantaire: …i hated it
Enjolras: what? why?
Grantaire: i don’t know
i mean, look, i get it, it’s clever and liberal and super idealistic yay
basically catnip for you
but like
aaron sorkin is the worst
Enjolras: because he’s clever and liberal and “super idealistic yay”?
Grantaire: no because he’s pretentious as fuck
and i’ve seen episodes of the newsroom too okay
he doesn’t make tv shows he makes self satisfied political manifestos and then adds plot
he uses tv as a bully pulpit and every character who doesn’t share his exact political opinions is a fucking strawman idiot
and don’t even get me started on president mary fucking sue
hello wish fulfillment 101
Enjolras: you haven’t even seen the whole show!
Grantaire: no but i did extensive research on wikipedia
Enjolras: yes, that’s totally the same thing.
Jed Bartlet is actually a really fascinating character. he gets more and more complex as the show goes on, trust me.
Grantaire: sure if by fascinating you mean
Wednesday, 3:03 p.m.
Eponine: well how’s it going?? i assume good!
Grantaire: uh
well we’re talking about aaron sorkin
Eponine: what
is that some sort of euphemism
Grantaire: yeah no i guess we sorta got off track
Eponine: well get back ON
Grantaire: HOW
Eponine: FIGURE IT OUT
Wednesday, 3:06 p.m.
Grantaire: haha well anyway
i’m in bed right now…
Enjolras: at three in the afternoon? that’s bad even for you.
don’t you have class right now?
Grantaire: uh…
…
…………………
Enjolras: is something wrong with your phone?
Wednesday, 3:10 p.m.
Grantaire: help the ellipses aren’t working
Eponine: i have a feeling you’re doing it wrong
Wednesday, 3:11 p.m.
Courfeyrac: were in class jfc stop sexting your boyfriend
and/or marius
Grantaire: i’m NOT sexting him
THATS THE PROBLEM
Courfeyrac: k just so were clear the him in question here is enjolras right
Grantaire: uh yes
haha never mind just ignore me i was kidding
everything’s FINE
Courfeyrac: yes clearly you look fine
Grantaire: shut up
Wednesday, 3:14 p.m.
Enjolras: alright, let’s pick up this debate later on. I’m gonna turn my phone off for a while, I’m in the library and have to concentrate.
Grantaire: okay! sounds good! have fun studying!
Enjolras: love you
Grantaire: you too!
Wednesday, 3:16 p.m.
Grantaire: A;DLJFA;SDFJS;AFJSAFOIEHGBNKSLFJS;FJ ARRRRRGH
Eponine: you may be beyond my help
Thursday, 11:56 a.m.
Grantaire: i give up, it’s hopeless. enjolras and i are doomed to a sextless relationship and that’s that
Joly: WHAT????
YOURE NOT HAVING SEX?????
Grantaire: sexTless, joly
Joly: oh
OHHHH
is THAT what you were drunktexting me about the other day?
Grantaire: um. probably.
Joly: that does put things in context
kind of
Grantaire: were snickerdoodles involved somehow? why do i remember snickerdoodles?
Joly: that’s not important, feuilly apologized
Grantaire: whatever, the whole thing’s stupid
i mean dirty talk during sex is one thing, right, you don’t really have to think about it too much, and i can do sexual innuendo like nobody’s business, but those are rarely actually SEXY. mostly they’re just funny.
actually enjolras usually just rolls his eyes when i make an innuendo so i’m not sure he finds them sexy OR funny
Joly: why is it so important for you to be able to text enjolras anyway?
*sext
jeez that word
Grantaire: idk i guess it isn’t
it’s just
i don’t want him to get bored with me?
Joly: oh R
Grantaire: shut up
ugh let’s just pretend i didn’t say that
type
whatever
Joly: R, come on
you know that’s not gonna happen
Grantaire: sure
i mean
but it could
Joly: no it couldn’t
and certainly not because of something sexual
you know enjolras doesn’t have that much experience right
Grantaire: i know!! that’s the problem!!! i mean, look, enjolras is naturally amazing at EVERYTHING, right, whether he has experience at it or not, he just picks it up and BAM, perfection. which is great, but when it comes to sex, I’M the one with more experience, and i feel like he probably…expects me to know what i’m doing?? and i mean, i have had a lot of sex, obviously. but does that make me an expert?? am i qualified??? what ARE the sex expert qualifications??? and doesn’t enjolras deserve somebody who’s REALLY a sexpert, since he’s so naturally gifted, to shape and mold his innate talent?? what if i can't step up?? like, what if he’s always wanted to try sexting but has never gotten the opportunity?? and he’s waiting patiently for me to initiate it because he assumes i’ve done it before but the only sexting i’ve ever done is booty calls like hey wanna come over and fuck and he’s ENJOLRAS he deserves more romantic subtlety than that but i’m apparently INCAPABLE so
2 minutes later
Joly: okay whoa
um a couple of things
first of all never send gigantic texts like that again
your thumbs probably hurt and you might have killed my phone with all the buzzing
secondly don’t use the word sexpert even ironically that’s so much worse than sext
thirdly holy projection, batman
you’re being stupid
Grantaire: yeah
i know
Joly: really really stupid
Grantaire: okay i get it
Joly: you do know that enjolras isn’t expecting anything of you, right? not like that
he loves you
and don’t you dare make a joke right now okay
Grantaire: haha who me i would never
if you think about it "he loves you" is already inherently kind of a joke
okay
Joly: good
Grantaire: i mean it’s also just that enjolras is busy a lot and i get horny sometimes when he’s gone and sexting seems like a natural solution
Joly: look R i am 100% here for the emotional support but if you want actual sexting advice you’re going to have to go to courfeyrac or eponine or really just anyone not me, please
there has already been way more discussion of enjolras’ sexual preferences/abilities in this conversation than i’m really comfortable with
Grantaire: i already tried them
they’re the worst
maybe i should ask marius' advice
Joly: hasn't he suffered enough
Grantaire: i don't know what you're talking about
Thursday, 1:10 p.m.
Enjolras: do you have any idea why Marius is refusing to eat at the table in my apartment
Grantaire: haha no
Thursday, 7:10 p.m.
Courfeyrac: have you tried just having an honest conversation with e about whether or not hed like to try sexting and how hed like to go about it
Grantaire: oh god
is this like a thing now
is this everybody’s latest project?? R’s having a mental breakdown, let’s all pitch in to help him send dick pics to his boyfriend
Courfeyrac: of course not
wait dick pics??? i thought this was just about literary sexting! im going to have to adjust my entire lesson plan if there are images involved
whats the verdict on short video clips??
Grantaire: please stop texting me.
Friday, 3:27 p.m.
Grantaire: hey
Enjolras: hey
Grantaire: got any plans tonight?
Enjolras: not really. I’m stuck on campus for another three hours or so, but then I’m free for the rest of the day.
6 minutes later
Enjolras: R?
Grantaire: okay. wanna come over?
Enjolras: that sounds nice.
Grantaire: can’t wait to see you. and feel you.
3 minutes later
Enjolras: feel me?
Grantaire: feel your touch
like in a sexy way
IN YOUR PANTS
so what’s it going to take to get you to bend me over your kitchen table & fuck me so hard I feel you in me for a week? ;)
5 minutes later
Enjolras: Grantaire?
Grantaire: haha never mind
anyway
looking forward to tonight maybe we can watch more of the west wing haha
Enjolras: R. what’s going on? you’ve been acting strangely all week.
Grantaire: what? no i haven’t
wait, what did courfeyrac tell you??
oh god
did MARIUS say something when he was over yesterday???
Enjolras: what? no.
Grantaire: oh
well never mind haha
Enjolras: I do mind, actually.
what’s going on?
Grantaire: nothing i just
uh
nothing
Enjolras: is this about the sexting thing?
Grantaire: WHAT
i mean what
?
Enjolras: because if you’re asking whether Marius told me about the sexually explicit texts he keeps getting from you, then the answer is yes.
he wanted to apologize for getting in the way of our sex life, which is a very sweet, Marius thing to do.
Grantaire: oh god
Enjolras: I think he was actually considering taking his phone into the Apple store it get it to stop intercepting “our texts.”
I was a little surprised, because “Enjolras” and “Marius” aren’t really close enough alphabetically for you to be making this mistake so repeatedly and with such specificity of subject matter.
Grantaire: actually i have marius saved in my phone as darling pontmercy so shows what you know
Enjolras: Grantaire.
Grantaire: que? quoi? qui?
3 minutes later
look, it’s not really important
i mean, i know it’s stupid. “sexy texts” are kind of a hard thing to take seriously haha
(which is why i send them to marius in the first place, obv)
Enjolras: do you WANT to take it seriously?
Grantaire: this conversation is the worst
Enjolras: ?
Grantaire: ARGH. i mean…if you want to? i guess? i don’t know, i just thought it might be kind of a fun thing to do
i mean. a hot thing to do.
but if you have no interest in it i totally understand haha like i said it’s really not important kinda stupid
Enjolras: it’s not stupid
Grantaire: so…
you’re interested?
haha
Enjolras: well...
I don’t know that I’d be very good at it…
Grantaire: i mean i know for a fact i’m definitely not
so it’s probably not even worth it haha
Enjolras: conceptually, it is an interesting idea…
Grantaire: that’s what i said about the west wing
Enjolras: the thing is, to be honest, I’m really more eloquent when speaking than in writing.
Grantaire: okay but
…wait
phone sex?
Enjolras: calling you now
1 week later
Grantaire: really wanting you in me right now…
Marius: R, it’s me again…
Grantaire: OH SHIT
I 100% DID NOT MEAN TO DO THAT THIS TIME FUCK
Marius: it’s ok
wait
“this time”?