Chapter Text
Now that it was all over bar today’s final victory parade and the following banquet in the royal palace, Erwin knew that the time had come to set Levi free at last.
For the past few days, Erwin had been thinking about an episode that had happened during one of the darkest moments of the long campaign, before they’d known the truth about the titans. A young recruit named Dieter had demanded to be allowed to take his friend Jurgen on a foolish quest to recover the body of their comrade, Ivan, slain by a titan near the forest of giant trees. Both Levi and Erwin had forbidden such a dangerous undertaking, but the boys had disobeyed orders, and their actions had brought several titans in pursuit of the fleeing Survey Corps expeditionary force. Ivan’s body had been lost, Jurgen killed, Dieter devastated, although the lesson he’d learned that day had led to him becoming one of the corps’ finest soldiers.
It wasn’t the result of the recruits’ disobedience that occupied Erwin now, however, but the memory of the accusations Dieter had flung at him and Levi when they’d refused to let him go in pursuit of Ivan’s body: “Don’t you two have any human feelings at all?”
“For myself, no,” Erwin murmured aloud, checking his dress uniform in the long looking glass in the elaborately furnished room he’d been allocated in the east wing of the palace for the duration of the official ceremonies. No – Erwin knew that, in his own case, Dieter’s judgement had been accurate. So many old friends and colleagues had died in the final battle, and yet Erwin had felt nothing beyond a vague regret. Nothing mattered but humanity’s victory; that had been understood from the start. Erwin had become so adept at pushing his feelings aside in ruthless pursuit of that goal, that, at some point, they must have died of neglect. He accepted the loss of his ability to engage his emotions as just another wound, similar to the loss of his right arm – something that couldn’t be helped, and would simply have to be accommodated.
But Levi was different. For all his impassive façade, Levi still felt things deeply – perhaps more deeply than Erwin ever had. Always a lonely child, Erwin had become an observer at a young age, finding solace in books and mental pursuits. Beneath his calm exterior, Levi was passionate. Levi loved his troops with a fierce devotion. When his first squad had been wiped out by Annie in her titan form, before anyone had the slightest glimmer of understanding of why, Erwin remembered holding Levi, because he would always do whatever was necessary to keep his most valuable weapon primed, and feeling the small man shake against his chest with the strength of his fury and grief.
Erwin had first seen that passion in the hate-filled glare Levi had given him on their initial meeting, after Erwin and his men had successfully captured Levi and two other members of his criminal gang down in the under-city. From the start, Erwin had recognised the extraordinary power in Levi, and understood how it could be used to further his – which was to say humanity’s – purposes.
Erwin made his way out into the long, carpeted corridor. Levi emerged from the room opposite at the same time, also clad in immaculate dress uniform, the gold brocade gleaming in the light of the diamond-leaded windows at the end of the hallway. “Erwin,” Levi said, smiling with a new openness that would have touched the heart of anyone who still possessed one. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“Then let’s go!”
On the balcony, Erwin and Levi stood together while the king made the necessary speech, and the crowd cheered wildly. As they listened to the boom of the wall cannon firing one after another in salute, Levi nudged Erwin. “Look at Nile. Just about ready to piss himself with excitement!”
Erwin followed the direction of Levi’s gaze, smiling when he saw Nile Dawk standing to full attention at the head of the pitifully small remnants of the Military Police brigade as the Lord High Chancellor walked by.
It wasn’t a question of what to tell Levi, Erwin thought, so much as the most effective method to employ. In this case, he reasoned, the deepest cut was probably the kindest. Better to leave no doubt. Overstate the case, if anything, even if that meant the probable loss of the closest thing Erwin still had to a friend. The trouble was, he’d never expected their relationship to become so complicated.
With the ringing of bells and the adulation of the throng still echoing in their ears, Erwin and Levi made their way back to their rooms to change before the banquet.
“Only this boring dinner to go, and then we’re free!” Levi exclaimed. “Where shall we go first? After listening to Armin going on about it, I think I’d like to see the sea.”
“We’ll talk about it after dinner,” Erwin replied. Levi put a hand on his arm and looked up at Erwin, his grey eyes newly bright, the old shadows beneath them already diminished. Erwin could hardly deny him the kiss he seemed to expect. Best to get the banquet over with first. It marked the official end of the war against the titans, after all.
Fortunately Humanity’s Hope and Humanity’s Strongest were seated on either side of the king and queen at the banquet, which spared Erwin further discussion of Levi’s plans for the future.
Erwin knew that he was going to have to cut the wires, as the instructors used to do during the last phase of training with the manoeuvre gear. Levi would survive it. It would seem cruel, but it was the only logical thing to do. He’d never asked Levi to fall in love with him. Of course he’d made use of it once it had happened – what other option had there been? But that, at least, had never been a part of his original plan.
x
Levi sat on the edge of Erwin’s bed and stripped off his jacket, folding it neatly before setting it aside. “I thought the king’s speech was going to go on all night! Shit, that man can talk! Thank fuck that’s over. Get your ass over here, Hope of Humanity, or whatever the hell they’re calling you now. I’ve missed your cock in me.”
Erwin wasn’t sure why there was suddenly a tightness in his throat. This was the best way – the right decision for everyone. He put his hand on the doorframe and took a breath, schooling his face into an expression of faint surprise tinged with contempt, before turning to face Levi. “Don’t be absurd. Of course that’s over.”
Levi hardly seemed to register his words. “What is? You mean – the ceremonies?”
“No. I mean this.” Erwin’s sweeping gesture took in both the bed and Levi, who was staring at him, perplexed, but not yet understanding. Something in Erwin attempted a feeble protest, but he ignored it, set on his course, knowing it was necessary. “I really don’t know what you expected, Levi, but all this talk of going to the sea earlier made me realise that you’re suffering from some kind of mistaken impression about my intentions. Our ‘relationship’, if that’s what you want to call it, was only ever a professional one.”
“Yeah – of course it was,” Levi replied, rather to Erwin’s surprise. “So then, get over here, and fuck me like a professional.”
With an exasperated internal sigh, Erwin realised that Levi was rather drunk, and not taking him seriously at all. Bluntness was clearly indicated. “Your foul mouth is one thing I certainly won’t miss about you,” Erwin said.
Levi got to his feet, his expression suddenly uneasy. “Erwin – what’s wrong? I was only –”
Erwin raised his hand. “I don’t care what you were doing. One of the biggest reliefs about this victory is that I no longer have to concern myself with your caprices.”
“My what?”
“Your moods – your –”
“I know what it fucking means! But when did I ever –”
“It doesn’t matter. The point is, the old life is over. I’ve accepted a post as Surveyor Royal, in charge of mapping the lands beyond the walls, and organizing resettlement.”
Levi shook his head. “All right… But I thought –”
“What? That we were going to get married and live happily ever after?”
“Don’t be stupid. I thought we were going to take some time off – see the lands beyond the walls. You and me, I mean – not as part of some official survey. We can do anything we like now. We’re free.”
“Yes. Of the titans, and of each other. I thought that was what you wanted. Didn’t you join the Survey Corps to kill me, Levi?”
“You know why. And you know that hasn’t been true for years.” Levi took a step towards Erwin, but stopped when he saw his expression. “I want you,” Levi said. “There’s no reason to keep it secret from anyone now. I want you – I want us to be together.”
“That’s – unfortunate. I see our continued association as no longer necessary.”
“That’s fucking horse shit! Are you drunk? You’re not trying to tell me that everything was an act just to keep me on side? You wanted me.”
“You were sexually proficient.”
Levi scoffed. “You moaned for my dick in your mouth!”
“I did whatever I thought would keep you focussed – on the cause, or on me, it made no difference.”
“No. You liked it. You loved it.”
Erwin shrugged. “You’re good at what you do. But you shouldn’t confuse that with any kind of emotional connection. Levi, you were my puppet. I don’t need you any more. The titans are gone.”
Levi propelled Erwin into the wall, grabbed the front of his jacket, and kissed him. Erwin held still and let him do it; nothing more.
“But you love me!” Levi cried.
Erwin looked down at him. “No. You’re mistaken. If I let you think so, it was for the good of the cause.”
“I love you.” Levi looked into Erwin’s eyes, shocked by his own admission. He’d never said the words before, although they’d been true for years now.
Erwin pushed him away gently and walked to the window, looking down into the torch-lit courtyard.
“Yes, I know. And I’m sorry if this gives you pain. But you always knew I was prepared to send you to your death. Why are you surprised that I would use your feelings towards me for humanity’s purposes? It was only asking a different kind of sacrifice.”
“You never asked! I trusted you, because you never lied to me – but you never asked me that.” Levi paced the room, his right hand against his temple, frowning. Erwin started to speak, but Levi cut him off. “No. No. This is a lie. I know you.”
“Levi, I’ve always respected you –”
“Don’t! Don’t you even –” Levi went to Erwin, grabbed his shoulder above the missing arm, and spun him around. “Look at me, you bastard! Tell me to my face. Is this is true?”
“Levi. You did well. Without you, we would never have won. You made amends for your past crimes. I always valued your skill and your courage, and I’ll sing your praises as a soldier to my dying day, but there’s nothing else I can give you, and nothing more I need, or want, from you. I’ll always be happy to receive you if you want to visit me, although I don’t see you as someone who’d be keen to spend a lot of time reminiscing over a cup of tea.”
Levi said nothing at all.
“You should go to all those places you talked about,” Erwin said. “You’re free, now.”
“Free,” Levi repeated, almost inaudibly.
“Yes. Free to find a new purpose. I hope you’ll be happy, Levi.”
“Happy?”
“Of course. I do sincerely wish you well. You can take your horse.”
“My – horse?”
“Levi – focus. Stop repeating everything I’ve just said.”
Although he felt little any more, it was still something of a shock to Erwin to see fear in Levi’s eyes. He’d seen pain before – fury – grief – and love, of course. But never simple fear.
“Erwin – is this… Is it some kind of test?”
“No. I’m just making things clear, before this misunderstanding gets any worse. Beyond your use as a soldier, I don’t feel anything for you. You should find someone who can.”
“Can?”
“Someone who will,” said Erwin firmly, cursing his slip.
“I don’t want anyone else.”
“Yes – perhaps it would be better to travel alone, at first.”
“I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re making a mistake.”
“No, I’m quite sure that I’m not.”
Levi opened his mouth, and closed it again. He hesitated, staring at Erwin, who looked back, impassive. Levi’s jaw clenched. He gave one, sharp nod, and walked out of the room.
Erwin sighed, wondering why letting go of Levi had been so difficult, when he was quite certain that it was the best – the fairest – path. Still, it had been necessary, and now it was done. Tonight, Erwin would look over the government proposals for the new Royal Survey Department’s funding, and tomorrow his new job would begin in earnest.