Chapter Text
“Mom?” I called, seeing her face in the crowds of the city. She turned to me, glared, then continued walking. I was some yards behind her, so I ran between people to catch up to her. The faster I ran, though, the farther away she seemed to get. Where on Earth was she going and why did she seem so angry at me?
“Mom! It’s me!” I yelled out again.
She didn’t even acknowledge me this time, just turning into a building. I followed her in quick enough to see the elevator doors close. We made eye contact, but her expression was blank. I ran to the stairwell and ran up the stairs, my feet somehow knowing to go to the top of the building.
She was at the top, sitting on a ledge and smiling at me. How did she know I’d be coming from here?
“Mom..?”
“Hey, sweetie.”
“Why did you...why did you ignore me back there?” I asked out of confusion.
“I’m not sure Percy. Maybe it had to do with the time you tried to bleed out on the bathroom floor.” Her voice roared with anger I wasn’t aware she could have.
“I-”
“Or maybe it was when you got yourself ran over by a car. That was pretty messed up of you, don’t you think?”
I opened my mouth to talk to her, explain to her what state I had been in, but she was already screaming at me again.
“Why did you ignore me in those times, Percy? Why did you refuse to come to me for help? I could have helped you! But instead you ignored me and went around trying to kill yourself like some mad man!”
Now I was standing with the edge of the building behind me, and my mom in front of me.
“But I think what really topped it all off, what made me really realize you were insane, was when you jumped off of our fire escape. Do you remember that, Percy?”
I felt a ball of anger, sadness, and confusion building up in my chest and I couldn’t make a sound. I never meant to hurt her. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just wanted to feel something, anything. I wanted to know I was still alive.
“But now, Percy, now I don’t want to see you.”
The wind roared in my ears as she spoke, and my heart felt like it was exploding out of my chest.
“I don’t care about what happens to you, why else would I leave you in that Institute? You wanted to die so much and now you’re just dead to me.”
With her words like knives stabbing into every inch of my body, she pushed me and I fell backwards off the building.
A sharp pain shot up my side, followed by an abrupt thud, after I fell from my bed. I heard Jason stir from the other side of the room. My entire body was shaking from a mixture of fear and exhaustion, so I knew I had no hope of getting back in bed before Jason noticed I had fallen. So I gave up and laid on the cold ground.
The walls around my bed were bare and empty, whereas Jason had a wall of pictures. Some were simply sport teams, but most were him with his multitude of friends. Sometimes I forgot why he was even here, he seemed to be happy most of the time. Then I remember the nights after he first was admitted and I’m thankful he has those people to keep his mind occupied.
“What the hell are you doing on the floor, Jackson?” His groggy voice asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I look at him and shrug simply. I watch as he looks at the clock, squinting to try and see what it read. He eventually remembered to grab his glasses, which sat beside his bed on a wooden nightstand identical to mine.
He started to sit up, stretching and yawning, but I couldn’t begin to move. The dream replayed in my head over and over again, more specifically my mom’s words. They echoed in my brain and the more I heard them, the more I believed them.
I hadn’t moved, or even thought about moving, until the doorknob started to turn.
Jason walked over to me and reached a hand out to help me up, which I took.
I fell back into the routine I became so used to, making my bed to at least look like I had been productive when the nurse came in.
“Good Morning, Annabeth.” Jason greeted from somewhere on the other side of the room.
“Good morning, Jason. Nice to see you in a good mood this morning.” She smiled at him.
Annabeth was a pretty lady, most people in this ward knew this. She wasn’t much older than Jason and I, so she seemed to get along with us well. I gave her a weak smile, and she smiled back.
“How’d you sleep, Percy?” She asked in a soft voice.
I was most calm around her because of her soft voice. Many other people in here yell and their voices are sharp. Her’s is smooth and soft, calming me before I even have the opportunity to lose control.
I shrugged.
Not well at all, but I guess you know that, don’t you? I thought to myself.
“Well, get dressed, you two. Breakfast is in 20 minutes, then therapy. Got it?” She asks and we both nod.
Annabeth leaves the room I find a plain orange shirt, which once fit but is now baggy, and a pair of old jeans.
Not long after she first came to check on us, Annabeth lead us to the cafeteria. We walked through the doors and I was hit with a wall of noise. Children around me talked to each other in loud voices and I could see the noise even phased Jason.
We, along with a handful of other teenagers, sat at a table to eat our breakfast. Even they could bare their life enough to make small-talk. I was silent, eating some of my food but mostly just moving it around my plate.
“Percy?” Jason called, which got my attention and pulled me out of my head.
“Are you feeling alright? You’ve barely touched your food…”
I shrugged, looking back down at my food, then forced some into my mouth.
The noise, the movement, the amount of people, it all made me feel sick. I hadn’t quite gotten used to being around this many people again. I had been in isolation for acting out on some nurse who wouldn’t leave me alone.
-
After breakfast, we went to therapy. I was put in a different group than Jason, since he still actually spoke.
I was with a small group of kids, most 10 or younger, who also either couldn’t or wouldn’t talk. Instead of talking about our feelings like every other group, we wrote them down.
I had been given a paper and a pencil, but I just looked at my paper blankly for a few minutes, before handing it back to the therapist that way.
I didn’t want to think about my dreams. I didn’t want to think about my feelings, nor did I want anyone to know them.
“Percy,” The therapist spoke, “You do understand we cannot help you unless you tell us what’s wrong. I know you’re confused too, but you need to try.”
He handed the paper back to me. Instead of trying to write what I was feeling, I drew on the paper. I drew what I remember seeing when I first tried to kill myself: my mom. I drew what I saw the second time: stars and a stream of lights. And I finally drew what I saw when I jumped from the fire escape. What did I see then? I saw nothing, so I just drew a thick line of black. Then I wrote a series of words that meant something to me at the time that I had thought of them, but I couldn’t remember why anymore. I handed the paper to him and he just sighed.
Sorry it’s not what you wanted. This isn’t what I wanted either. I’m not what my mom wanted. This life isn’t what most people wanted, but it’s what we have.
“This would make more sense if you would explain it, Percy.” He said, making it obvious that he was trying to get me to say something, anything.
I just shrugged, then sat down. I zoned out on a specific painting on the wall; the ocean. My mom loved the ocean, my dad loved the ocean, I loved the ocean. We used to go any chance we could. I got lost in the memories of my life before I was here.
-
“Percy?” Annabeth’s voice came from somewhere around me, but I hadn’t quite emerged from my thoughts. “Percy, come on, your tutor is waiting for you with Jason in your room.”
I look at her, take a second to comprehend what’s going on, then nod.
She sighed and I knew she knew today was a bad day.
“Come on now, Percy. I also have a surprise for the both of you, but you need to get through your classes first.”
She helped me up, then lead me back to my room. I sat down next to Jason and halfway listened to what we were being taught. Whenever I was asked to do something, I did to the best of my abilities, but I was mostly distant and disconnected from the world around me.
Jason would nudge me whenever it became too obvious that I wasn’t paying attention, which I was thankful for.
The lessons seemed to drag on for hours longer than they actually did and when they finally ended, I don’t think I grasped anything I was supposed to learn. That happened most days, so it didn’t upset me. Jason thanked her as she left our room, then greeted Annabeth when she came in after.
I was automatically thrown off. Annabeth wasn’t alone. There was a boy, obviously younger than Jason and me, with her. He had dark brown hair, wide, brown eyes, and olive skin.
“Percy, Jason, this is Nico. He’s my summer intern and will be helping me out with you two a lot.”
Jason waved, giving one of his charismatic smiles, “What up, Nico?”
A smile played on Nico’s face and the awkwardness I had been feeling melted away. Something about him, like with Annabeth I guess, was comforting and easy.
Nico and Jason talked on his bed and Annabeth walked over to me.
She sat next to me and sighed. “That isolation really messes you up, huh?”
I nodded, looking down at my lap.
“Well, we need to work on your anger then, so you don’t have to go there again. And you should probably apologize to the nurse you shoved against the wall.”
I nodded again, a small sigh leaving my lips.
I always hurt people I don’t mean to. The only person I ever wanted to hurt was myself.
Annabeth and I sat in silence, but Jason continued to talk with Nico, who seemed pleasantly surprised with Jason’s company.
After tutoring, we have a half hour where we can do what we want, under supervision, and then we go to lunch.
I just sat, thinking to myself like I always did. I was studying the pictures on the walls when Nico and I accidentally made eye contact. It was held for an awkward moment before Jason got a hold of his attention again.
He had very nice eyes.
-
Lunch was just like breakfast, except with sandwiches. Profound difference, I know. Nico was basically Annabeth’s shadow and they were in deep conversation, but still keeping an eye on Jason and me.
“Percy, Jason, come on, you have more lessons you need to do.” Nico spoke.
It was odd hearing him say the things Annabeth usually said.
Don’t get used to it, I told myself, he’ll leave. Just like your dad did to you and mom and just like mom did to you. He’ll leave. So don’t get attached.
We stood up, took care of our plates, then followed Annabeth and Nico to our room, where our tutor was, again, waiting.
“Oh boy, Percy,” Jason spoke, “Time for math.”
I cracked a smile. Like almost everyone here does at some point, I forget about my worries.