Chapter Text
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Sometimes I miss you. I miss how you used to know me better than I did. I miss that I didn't need to say anything and you knew what I was thinking. I miss our late night talks and our stupid private jokes. I miss you when I'm making my coffee, because I still remember how you like yours.
Sometimes I wish I could just hold you tight in my arms again. Then I imagine how much I would want to run my fingers through your hair, to kiss and taste and bite the delicate skin of your neck. I know I would crave to touch you, to have you, to possess every bit and piece of you.
But I know I can't have any of this. I know I would destroy everything if I tried. I can't selfishly risk your happiness. I know it's better off this way.
I'm not allowed to love you, but I can't just be your friend anymore. I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry.
Castiel used to write letters since he was a child. He used to write to his absent father (incidentally a drunk writer who left them before Castiel was even able to remember him), to his strict mother and her brother Zachariah who raised him. To his siblings and to his first crushes. He’s never sent any of them. They all stay in their envelopes with addresses written in Castiel’s neat handwriting, stored in an old leather bag. Castiel likes to read them sometimes, like a strange diary.
Right now he puts back the only letter he’s ever written to Dean. It is the only one because there never has been a thing he couldn't tell him. Castiel kisses the name on the envelope and stores it carefuly into its case. He wrote it three years ago, two years after he left Kansas. After he left Dean, his best friend. Every word in the letter is still true and Castiel reads it every time he feels the urge to come back to Kansas and try to find Dean.
Dean feels a little bit guilty even though he knows there's nothing wrong with being in a bar. He just wants to drink one or two beers and then he’ll go back to his motel room. Maybe he should call Lisa- normally he would go back home to her, right after work. But considering he is out of state and he had a pretty harsh day, he decided he deserves some time for himself. It’s not as if he’s whipped, sometimes he hangs out with Sammy, but they are both too busy to meet often. And Dean has to admit that after shit ton of paperwork the only thing he wants is to crawl into bed beside his wife. On the other side, sometimes he desperately needs to get out of the house.
He sips his beer and chats with the bartender (she might be the reason he feels a bit guilty) and when she leaves to serve another guest, he looks around the bar. He feels a blow of cold air from the outside and hears a thud of the door, so he checks out the newcomer.
His heart stammers. The man is older than when he’s seen him last time, but he still wears that stupid oversized trench coat which has the ugliest color Dean has ever seen. And oh my god how old is he that he can’t straighten his necktie? The dark haired man tries to pretend he haven’t notice him, but it’s too late because Dean’s gaze catches his incredibly blue eyes. He wets his lips with his tongue nervously, then he finally moves towards Dean. Dean gets up from his barstool, his heart is racing and his stomach is tied into knots. He wants to punch him, he wants to beat the living shit outta him. He wants to yell at him, to get out all the frustration he's been bottling up for years.
„Hello, Dean.“
And with these two simple words, all the anger is gone. Dean’s body moves of its own will. He throws himself around his neck. „Cas“ he breathes out.
Castiel smiles, but he doesn’t hug him back. Dean pulls away and slaps his shoulder.
"This is...I’m so glad to see you, man!" He's grinning widely but he feels a lump in his throat as he adds: "I thought I’d never see you again."
Castiel’s eyes are incredibly sad. Dean’s eyes rove over his face in a moment of awkward silence. "Uhm...beer?"
"Yes, thank you," Cas nods and sits beside Dean, who gestures at the bartender to give them two beers.