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sunday 6:17 pm
zmurphy123: hey this is @zmurph on tumblr if you couldn’t tell lol and i saw your post about always being there if someone needs you and if this isn’t too weird then i think i need you
heathermac: of course!!!! hi!!!!! whats up?????
zmurphy123: my brother is digging through this ring of keys that my parents have for every room in the house and he’s trying to get into my room and he’s yelling and my parents aren’t home and i’m really scared
heathermac: omg!!! im sorry that this is happening to you. is there any way you can call your parents????
zmurphy123: no i left my phone on the couch and im not in the position rn to go get it
zmurphy123: hes running out of possible keys
zmurphy123: fuck fuck fuck
heathermac: okay deep breaths!!! when are your parents coming home?
zmurphy123: he’s
heathermac: hello???? are you there??? are you okay???
heathermac: is everything alright???
zmurphy123: yeah sorry about that i got him to leave
zmurphy123: it’s amazing what a bag of cheetos can do for a high kid
heathermac: thank god you’re okay!!!!
heathermac: you have no reason to apologize that wasn’t your fault
zmurphy123: sorry
heathermac: it’s okay. really.
zmurphy123: i’m zoe btw
heathermac: nice to meet you zoe
heathermac: i’m heather, obviously
heathermac: but it’s really complicated because in my school there are three heathers and we’re all really popular and stuff.
zmurphy123: popularity is a foreign concept to me
heathermac: huh, that’s weird. being popular is easy. any reason why you’re not????
zmurphy123: im in jazz band
heathermac: yeah, that’ll be it.
zmurphy123: thanks for helping me thought it means a lot i dont really have anyone to talk to in my life and connor (my brother) does this sort of thing a lot and my parents dont really care as long as hes alive
zmurphy123: and even then i dont know if they care
heathermac: how could they not care????
zmurphy123: idk he threatened to kill himself one time and my dad said he was so desperate for attention that he was willing to scare the life out of my mom but i dont know how much more attention he could possibly need
zmurphy123: either way hes a monster
heathermac: he sounds like it. i’m sorry that you have to put up with that. i’m an only child, but my parents are divorced and my mom drinks a lot.
zmurphy123: if you ever need anything either then im always right here for you
monday 2:34 am
heathermac: zoe zoe zoe
heathermac: zoe
heathermac: we’re friends now, right?
heathermac: sorry that’s weird, never mind
monday 6:02 am
zmurphy123: i guess were friends so thats not weird at all
zmurphy123: why were you up at 2 am
heathermac: i was trying to figure out if we were friends
monday 3:12 pm
heathermac: zoezozeozoeeozeozoe
heathermac: and it’s weird again
heathermac: zoe i made a friend today and her name isn’t heather!!!!!!
zmurphy123: thats exciting what is it
heathermac: v e r o n i c a
heathermac: it’s so very and beautiful and rolls off the tongue
heathermac: did i mention that i like girls???
zmurphy123: not to me but i sort of could tell from your blog
heathermac: did i mention girls or something on it???
zmurphy123: the title of your blog is “i am yellow and gay”
heathermac: ….oh yeah….
heathermac: anyway can i gush about veronica to you???
zmurphy123: sure if you want i mean im not gay but friends talk about crushes so sure
heathermac: OKAY SO she’s really smart and talks about plays and stuff i’ve never heard of or know how to pronounce but we met in the bathroom because she faked us (me, heather, and heather) a hall pass!!!! she can do other people’s handwriting and i can barely spell my name sometimes
heathermac: for example, when i made this screenname, i forgot that my last name was
spelled mcnamara instead of macnamara
heathermac: anyway…
heathermac: i told her that she had a beautiful face
zmurphy123: thats so sweet omg
heathermac: not really because the way i worded it may have seemed a little…. not sweet
zmurphy123: wtf what did you say
heathermac: something along the lines of “you’re face is symmetrical and if i had a meat cleaver to chop it in half the halves would match and that’s important”
heathermac: that is important, right?
zmurphy123: lol maybe to some people i guess
heathermac: whatever we’re on our way to heather’s house to give her a makeover right now because her current wardrobe looks like she found it in the reject pile of the salvation army
zmurphy123: does the salvation army have a reject pile?
heathermac: not anymore because it’s in veronica’s closet
zmurphy123: lol i gtg my mom made some vegan gluten free shitty ass dinner
tuesday 11:24 am
zmurphy123: heather get online
zmurphy123: this is serious something happened
heathermac: i’m here for you. what’s up?
zmurphy123: it’s connor
heathermac: what did he do? did he hurt you?
zmurphy123: i can’t tell yet
zmurphy123: he killed himself
heathermac: oh my god
zmurphy123: i know. i got pulled out of school during math today and my parents were in the principal's office
zmurphy123: so of course i thought that i was in trouble and then my mom just started crying
zmurphy123: and she wouldn't stop and my dad just looked at me and whispered
zmurphy123: your brother killed himself this morning
heathermac: zoe.... i don't even know what to say... i've never been in a situation like this before
zmurphy123: do you want to hear the worst part of all?
heathermac: if you want to tell me, yes.
zmurphy123: im not sad
heathermac: what?
zmurphy123: im not sad
zmurphy123: connor was an awful person and i hated him when he was alive so why should i love him because hes dead? im not going to pretend we were best friends just because hes gone
heathermac: did he have any friends???
zmurphy123: i didnt think so but apparently he had a note in his pocket addressed to this kid at my school named evan
zmurphy123: ive never seen him nice to evan
zmurphy123: he shoved the kid into the wall yesterday for fucks sake
heathermac: it's hard to believe they were friends then
zmurphy123: exactly
zmurphy123: thanks for listening i guess
heathermac: you're welcome. i can only imagine that this is tough for you. not because he's gone, but because you don't know how to feel.
heathermac: i can't imagine losing anyone in my school, let alone someone i knew.
zmurphy123: i guess that i didnt know him
zmurphy123: i mean he had this secret friend that i had no clue about
heathermac: do you know this evan kid???
zmurphy123: not really
zmurphy123: hes really quiet and awkward and shy and he likes jazz i guess
heathermac: see, i want to make a bee movie joke, but i feel like maybe that would be in bad taste
zmurphy123: do it
heathermac: ya like jazz?
zmurphy123: incredible
heathermac: y a l i k e j a z z ? ? ?
zmurphy123: w h y s p a c e s
heathermac: i t s f a n c y
zmurphy123: can we go back to talking about connor
zmurphy123: sorry i just
heathermac: no no no it's totally fine we can talk about him as long as you need to
heathermac: we have an english quiz tomorrow but it doesn't matter because i didn't study anyway. oops.
zmurphy123: you're the best
zmurphy123: what should i be feeling rn
heathermac: google says guilt. especially if the loved one had a mental illness or a substance abuse problem
zmurphy123: 'loved' is a strong word
zmurphy123: and as for mental illness i guess maybe he had one
zmurphy123: i almost miss him
heathermac: but you don't.
zmurphy123: thats where the guilt comes in
heathermac: google says that the guilt is more because people think that they could have stopped it
heathermac: you couldn't have stopped it
zmurphy123: i cant say for sure if i would have tried
heathermac: how did you react when he threatened it the first time??? if you're okay with telling me, that is
zmurphy123: i sort of blocked it out
zmurphy123: if i pretended that he never mentioned suicide then he never mentioned it
zmurphy123: 'suicide' feels like a curse word and im not even saying it out loud
heathermac: i think that's also normal probably. are your parents getting you a therapist or everything?
zmurphy123: i dont think so
zmurphy123: i think my mom will end up using this as something to 'bring the family closer together'
heathermac: that's sort of shitty
zmurphy123: whatever she can cope however she wants as long as im not included
heathermac: are you feeling any better?? or different, i guess??
zmurphy123: i think maybe im feeling
zmurphy123: thanks for talking to me
heathermac: it's no problem but ms fleming is coming around to collect our phones for a pop quiz so i have to go
heathermac: text me tonight, please. i want to talk later. i want to be here for you.
zmurphy123: thank you for that
zmurphy123: remember that i'm here for you too, to repay the favor
wednesday 4:57pm
heathermac: hey, how are you feeling?
zmurphy123: im not
heathermac: still?
zmurphy123: the parents already made me go back to school and if connor thought he was making the world a better place by leaving he was dead wrong
heathermac: god, i hope that pun was unintended
zmurphy123: everyone suddenly thinks that theyre my best friend and that im going to burst out into tears at any given moment so they can swoop in and be the hero
zmurphy123: once they figure out that im not upset then theyll all leave
heathermac: i hope you know that i'm not leaving, even if you never burst out into tears
zmurphy123: and if i do?
heathermac: i will dry them the best i can. we're friends, zoe. friends are the best things a girl can have- and that's coming from someone who's dad sells engagement rings.
zmurphy123: what does that have to do with anything
heathermac: he manages to convince thousands of men a year that the most important part of their relationship is the ring, and that the most important part of their life is their romantic relationship. but it's friends. i don't know i'm just babbling at this point.
zmurphy123: no thats cool i like that
heathermac: really? most of my friends talk over me before i can say stuff like this because it doesn't make sense to them.
zmurphy123: it makes sense to me
zmurphy123: ive been meaning to ask about your friends actually
zmurphy123: are you all really named heather
heathermac: oh yeah! it's the craziest thing because heather's not even that popular of a name but we all share it. there's me, heather duke, and heather chandler.
zmurphy123: thats so statistically unlikely omg
zmurphy123: is it confusing?
heathermac: sometimes, but it's never really a problem because we're such CLOSE friends. like, if heather says, "heather, bend over", we know that it's duke because duke always bends over.
heathermac: that sounded a lot better in my head.
zmurphy123: lol so many heathers
zmurphy123: i'm the only zoe in my school i think
zmurphy123: and i guess i'm the only murphy in my school too
heathermac: ZOE
heathermac: TOO SOON
zmurphy123: oops
heathermac: i hope things get better for you though. i can't imagine if something like that happened to me.
zmurphy123: do you have any enemies?
heathermac: huh, i don't know. i'm sure a lot of people don't like me because i'm popular and pretty and rich, but i don't hate any of them. i have to go tho i have croquet with the girls
wednesday 9:56
zmurphy123: how was croquet?
heathermac: pretty good, i almost one. then heather kicked my ball out of the way.
zmurphy123: i didnt even know people still played croquet other than old ladies
heathermac: it's a fun way to pass the time. and to talk shit about people. there's this kid that got into a fight the other day and veronica was totally drooling over him.
zmurphy123: wait don't you like her
heathermac: yeah, but i don't even know if she likes girls. and if this mysterious loner makes her happy, then so be it. i think he's trouble though.
zmurphy123: sounds like my brother
heathermac: i'm sure he had his moments- don't you think you owe it to him to at least try to remember him positively???
zmurphy123: are you serious?
zmurphy123: he's a fucking monster and one of the worst things that ever happened to me
zmurphy123: i still cant hear a door shut without jumping
heathermac: sorry, zoe i didn't mean it like that
zmurphy123: you just thought that everyone deserves to be remembered positively, right?
heathermac: well, yeah
zmurphy123: you try being afraid to sleep at night because connor bought a new knife and already carved his name into the dining room table
heathermac: i'm not saying that what he did wasn't bad, but he had to have done some good in his life. everyone does a little bit of good.
zmurphy123: everyone except for connor
zmurphy123: nobody misses him, nobody liked him, and he never deserved to be liked
heathermac: he had to have been nice growing up though, right?
zmurphy123: he ignored me for the first four years of my life because he thought that i would go back to the hospital
zmurphy123: and after that he spent the next four years trying to get rid of me
zmurphy123: when i was seven, he locked me in a bathroom at subway and tried to get my parents to drive home without me
heathermac: so he was a little jealous at the attention. he couldn't have been a bad person because bad people don't exist. especially at such a young age.
zmurphy123: Heather, he was a piece of shit. He was a bad person. I know that's hard for your sunshiney lemon self to understand when your head is so far up your ass, but he fucking sucked.
heathermac: zoe i was just trying to help
zmurphy123: I don't need your help anymore.
zmurphy123: There's nothing wrong. I've never been happier.
zmurphy123: Go back to Disneyworld and leave me the fuck alone.
heathermac: are you sure? i'll always be here.
heathermac: you know i don't think you're a bad person either.
zmurphy123: WELL MAYBE I AM
heathermac: zoe, you're not a bad person
zmurphy123: Yeah?
zmurphy123: you make me want to be
zmurphy123 has blocked you