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If, at the beginning of her first year in high school, you would have told Matsuoka Kou – not Gou! – that she would end up dating Hazuki Nagisa by August, she would have laughed herself silly.
In fact, going into high school, she hadn't planned on getting a boyfriend at all. It had never seemed very necessary to her – sure, a boyfriend would be nice and her friends were always giggling behind their hands about the newest school idol, but she had never thought to actively look for one. If love found her, that was fine, but she felt focusing on her friends and schoolwork was a better option.
Maybe it came from the fact that, sometimes, while she was cooking with her mother, she would get a faraway look on her face and always tell her to make sure she was really ready before getting into a relationship.
'Make sure every boy you date is someone you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with, Gou-chan,' she would say. 'It may seem like fun and games when you're young, but never forget that when you date someone, in the end you're looking for a marriage partner. That's what dating is for. So have fun, but don't treat it lightly.'
It always stuck with her, and sometimes she wondered if her mother and father had only gotten married because her older brother was on the way. Neither she nor Rin really asked their mother about how she got together with their father – even after all these years it still seemed like a sensitive subject. Still, Kou took her warning to heart. She was only fifteen, after all, and she definitely didn't feel ready to think about longer commitments. She could think about choosing a life partner when she was more mature, after all, there was no rush.
Of course, this resolve was very quickly strained when she found herself the newly-appointed manager of the newborn Iwatobi Swim Club. What normal, heterosexual girl wouldn't moon over such attractive guys with such incredible bodies?
Still, even in the beginning, the last choice on her mental list of potential swimming boyfriends had been Nagisa.
Her first crush had been Haruka-senpai. He had a beautiful face, was quiet and aloof but in the way that made you want to melt that chilly exterior to see the warm smile within, and of course those triceps! She had spent the first week or so of swim club watching him discreetly from behind her clipboard, hoping her ogling wasn't too obvious. He was so perfect, she had wondered why he wasn't very popular among the other girls at school. He seemed just the type to have a huge “cool school prince” following.
Then, over that first week, she had discovered why – Haruka-senpai wasn't cold or aloof, he was just plain weird. Who jumped into store fish tanks, really!? Not to mention, swimming wasn't his passion, it was his obsession. Well, that and mackerel.
It wasn't bad, per say – in fact his single-minded focus on the things he liked was commendable, and his tastes could be called “cute”, in a weird way. However, after about the fifth time of bowing repeatedly to some shop owner with Makoto-senpai and apologizing because “we're sorry, sir, he doesn't mean any harm, I'm sorry he started ripping off his clothes in front of the mom with three young kids, he didn't mean anything bad”...well, Kou had taken her mother's advice to heart, after all. She was exasperated after about two weeks of it, she couldn't imagine being married to that. She wouldn't be able to stand it.
Her short-lived crush on Haruka-senpai over – such a shame, his triceps really were sculpted by gods – her attention had started wandering again. It moved just a little over, onto the one always by Haruka-senpai's side – Makoto-senpai. He was a renowned sweetheart, after all, and the secret target of about three-fourths of the first-year girls. In fact, she had gotten some friendly jealous teasing – as the club manager, she was the perfect fit to date the captain, right? Wouldn't he make the most perfect boyfriend ever? Go for it, Kou-chan!
That crush had probably been even shorter. Because yes, while Tachibana Makoto was sweet, kind, handsome, and possibly some sort of miracle gift-wrapped in the perfect boyfriend material and practically delivered to Kou's feet, it had taken her about four days to notice that it would take another miracle to divert his attention from one Nanase Haruka.
She wasn't sure if Makoto-senpai was gay and just hadn't realized it yet, or had and was just quietly pining, or if he was just really that fixated on his best friend, but his world pretty much revolved around Haruka-senpai. Sure, he was the sweetest guy ever and would gladly drop everything to help Kou or a random passerby or a kitten, but it was always just a brief, fleeting moment – his attention always wandered back to Haruka-senpai in a moment. They were never separate – you didn't talk about Nanase alone or Tachibana alone, you talked about Nanase-and-Tachibana. They were one set, and Kou always felt like she was intruding on something when she walked up to Makoto-senpai with Haruka-senpai nearby.
There was always the possibility that perhaps she was reading too much into things and they were just normal childhood friends who were just a little more stuck together at the hip than normal, but she felt that made it worse, somehow. If Makoto-senpai was that intensely devoted to a normal friend, what would he be like a boyfriend? Kou wasn't sure she'd be able to match his intensity. Makoto-senpai was the kind to marry his high school sweetheart, and Kou just wasn't sure if she could stand breaking his heart if the relationship didn't work out, because while he was sweet, she wasn't sure about marrying him. She didn't want to make promises neither of them could keep.
At least she could fawn over his amazing back any time she wanted – really, joining the swim club was the best decision ever.
After those rather disastrous first crushes, Kou had resigned herself to just never dating within the club. Even when newcomer Rei joined – bless his deltoids! – she had been skeptical, and when he had impressively belly-flopped into Samezuka's pool she had added another mental tally to the “Functionally Odd Swimmers” club and resigned herself to just never having a boyfriend in high school, or at least not a swimmer. Not even Samezuka's gorgeously-sculpted captain had tempted her much – she'd probably find out that he collected marimo like Pokemon or something with her track record.
Besides, as the manager, it would probably be pretty unprofessional. What if romantic relations strained the group and affected their productivity? That just wouldn't do! Kou may not be as driven to win as her brother, but she didn't like losing any more than he did. If she was going to be the club manager, she was going to be the best damn manager ever! Silly things like emotional entanglements would just get in the way. Training the club properly – and, hopefully, helping her brother from the dark spot he was in – took precedence over dating.
During all of this, Nagisa had been a background presence – cute and noisy, and while he wasn't going to be winning any muscle competitions in the club any time soon, he wasn't a slouch either, but in the end just sort of..there. A good friend, but a little weird like everyone else in the damn club, and considering how he acted with Rei she had been half-convinced everyone but her in the club was gay anyways.
Then August came, or more specifically Nagisa's birthday came. He had invited her out to a cake shop that day, seemingly under the excuse that “you're the only one who'll eat sweets with me, Gou-chan, cause Haru-chan, Rin-chan, and Rei-chan don't like them and Mako-chan is too embarrassed to go! It's my birthday, I want cake!”
Really, she should have known something was up. Nagisa gave off this impression of sparkling, innocent naivete, but he was anything but. That youthful face – so many of her fellow first-year girls grumbled about how a male seemed to be one of the cutest in the year – hid a cunning side.
Then, over a meal of strawberry shortcake and ice cream, Nagisa had set down his fork, gotten a surprisingly-serious look on his voice, and said “You know, Gou-chan, I really like you. Will you go on a real date with me?”
She hadn't really believed it at first. In fact, she believed he'd been pulling one of his many jokes. After all, didn't he flirt with Rei far more than her? She'd accidentally even blurted that straight out, and he'd burst out laughing.
“Rei-chan!? No way! I flirt with him cause it ruffles his feathers and loosens him up, it's a game between us. But I'd never actually date him, I like girls! And geez, could you imagine dating Rei-chan? 'I've got the perfect itinerary for our date, we must depart in exact three-point-fourty-five minutes to achieve the perfect angle of the sunset on the Ferris wheel for maximum beauty'. Rei-chan wouldn't be fun to date at all!”
He admittedly had a point with that one, that was one of the reasons she couldn't picture dating Rei either. She was sure that there was someone out there it was perfect for, but it wasn't her.
Then he had gotten serious again, and she found she didn't know what to do when faced with a serious Nagisa. He was normally all fun and smiles, easily-brushed off jokes. Not knowing how to face him made her a bit flustered, it was a strange feeling.
He had asked for one date. “Just one, Gou-chan, and if you really hate it I'll never ask you again, but please give me a chance?”
Flustered, and unable to deny that she wouldn't mind all that much – Nagisa was always fun to be with, after all – she had agreed. Besides, what harm would one date do?
It had been fun. The movie chosen had been horrible, but Nagisa had made it fun, and he was always full of smiles and energy, and she found herself laughing alongside him as the evening went on. She had genuinely enjoyed herself, so when Nagisa asked her if she had fun and if she'd like doing it again, she couldn't say “no” without lying.
So one date had turned into two, then three, then four, until the rest of summer break ended in a flash, summer cooled into fall and Iwatobi's pool closed (causing Haruka-senpai no end of trauma), and she and Nagisa were still going on their dates well into the cold.
By October, she had admitted to herself that Nagisa was most likely her steady boyfriend.
She was surprisingly happy with it. Nagisa, as the mood-setter of the group, had a natural knack to know when to fill their dates with high-paced energy and when to just hold her hand and walk along the beach. His hugs were warm and spontaneous, but he was very much a gentleman and asked permission for her first kiss, which after a fun-filled date and delicious dinner, she had allowed and it had been surprisingly nice and made her cheeks and chest feel warm. And then later he had surprised her and stolen another and she had smacked him, but laughed. It became a sort of game, how ridiculous of a situation he could create to steal a kiss. The worst yet probably had to be when he dumped soda down his front just to get her closer with a handkerchief and press his lips to hers when she leaned in to help him wipe it off.
She had pouted for about five minutes, but deep down she knew she enjoyed it. The lengths he would go to make her smile or just for a kiss made her smile in her room at night.
To be honest, she didn't know if she would marry Nagisa, or even if they would last for all of high school. She wasn't considering the future at all, unlike what her mother had told her. Unlike even her own philosophy. Almost a year ago, she would never had thought that she would be dating a guy without even thinking of their future together, just enjoying the here and now. She would have derided it as silly.
But here, now, sitting in Nagisa's living room wrapped in a blanket with a warm mug of cocoa in her hands to ward off the late November chill, Kou had to admit that living in the here and now wasn't bad, either. Somehow, being with Nagisa made her feel that everything would end up okay no matter what happened, because as long as they had fun in the end the specifics didn't matter.
Well, there was still a place for plans – now that they had limited pool time, muscle training and workout plans were more important than ever! – but didn't spontaneity have its place too?
“Gou-chan! Scoot over, I brought cookies!”
Speak of the devil. Kou rolls her eyes slightly as she shifts over on the loveseat to let Nagisa sit down. “I've told you a million times, it's Kou.”
Well, not that he'll listen, just like the last million times too.
And, she has to admit, she doesn't mind all that much.
“Nope, Gou-chan is Gou-chan!” Nagisa replies, just as she expects, and sits down, holding out a plate of freshly-baked cookies. “Cookie?”
She plucks a flower-shaped one off the pile, nibbling on a pink-frosted petal as Nagisa makes himself comfortable against her side. That was another thing she had gotten used to – Nagisa was a cuddler. He liked touching and being close and holding her in his arms, and it was actually a pretty nice feeling. He sometimes made perverted jokes that she had to smack him for, but despite his jokes his hands had never strayed from her shoulders or waist yet.
They sit in silence for a moment, as Kou eats her cookie and Nagisa blows on his own mug of cocoa to cool it down. The evening outside is a bit gray, too chilly to be nice weather but not yet cold enough for snow. Kind of dreary all around, but being inside with sweets and warmth drives the greyness away.
Kou thinks she could definitely get used to this.
“Gou-chan?”
Kou blinks, turning her head towards Nagisa. He's actually be surprisingly quiet up until now, she realizes, and she wonders if he's going to drop another big bomb on her like he did on his birthday. She blushes and tries not to think of what other big steps there are to take. “What is it?”
Nagisa pauses, which makes her a bit worried since when does Nagisa ever hesitate? After a moment he takes a breath. “...What were you thinking about when I came in, Gou-chan?”
Well, that wasn't what she expected him to ask. She finds herself blinking again. “What do you mean?”
Nagisa looks down, fiddling with a penguin cookie in one hand. The icing smudges a bit onto his fingers. “Well...it's just that Gou-chan was staring out the window with a really faraway look. I've never really seen Gou-chan look like that before. And I'm no Mako-chan, so I can't read anyone's mind, so...I was just a little worried, I guess. Silly, huh?” He laughs a bit then, bringing up that hand to rub in his hair and leaving a streak of blue on his cheek. She wonders if this is one of his kiss-stealing ploys again, before thinking about his question.
A faraway look? She'd just been thinking of how they'd gotten together, is all. Perhaps a little wonderment at how unpredictable the future was – after all, who would have ever thought that Nagisa would be the one she was dating at the end of the year? She certainly hadn't predicted it.
She wonders if the “faraway look” she had is the same as the one her mother gets occasionally, when she tells Kou to make sure she wouldn't mind marrying whoever she's dating. Or Rin, sometimes, thinking of whatever he thinks about when he gets that look, because for all that he's a swimmer like their dad was and wants to honor his dream, she sometimes thinks that Rin is the one who takes more after their mother instead.
She finds herself blushing a bit when she thinks that she might have the same look as her mother thinking of her father. She forces what she was thinking about out of her mind before she turns into a blushing mess. She's probably going to have to sit down and think about her feelings sometime soon, but now is hardly the time!
“Whoa, Gou-chan went all red! Where you thinking of something naughty?”
Nagisa's face stretches into a sly grin, and Kou squeaks, feeling herself go even more red. Stupid Nagisa! “No!! I wouldn't—that's not—oh, you--!!”
She shoves him a little and he laughs. “Sorry, Gou-chan, but you looked so serious and then went red like a tomato! I had to say something!”
“Geez...” Kou scowls and turns her face away, trying to will the blush back down as Nagisa continues giggling. Really, sometimes she didn't know why she put up with him!
Kou sulks all through Nagisa's gigglefit, until he quiets down and leans a bit forward. “No, but seriously, Gou-chan, what were you thinking of?”
She gives in and looks back at him, frowning slightly. “What does it matter? It wasn't anything bad.”
Nagisa shrugs a little. “Well...I guess...maybe I just worried a bit. Like...we're not like Haru-chan and Mako-chan, those two are practically telepathic they've been together so long, but we've only really known each other for a year now so we don't have that. And Rei-chan is really straightforward and easy to read, I don't think he knows how to hide his feelings, so you can always know what Rei-chan will say or think about something. But Gou-chan is...well, you and Rin-chan are a lot alike in some ways, you know? Cause you guys don't lie, but you don't always say what you're thinking, either. So...so when you're quiet, I just don't know what you're thinking...and I guess it makes me worried. I'm not like Mako-chan, I can't magically know everything you want and need because of the angle of your head or something. And...I like Gou-chan. I really really like you. So I don't want to mess anything up.”
As Nagisa talks, he looks away from Kou, curling up more and more on the loveseat. Kou, for her part, can only listen in wide-eyed surprise. She hadn't known Nagisa even worried about things like that. He always seemed immune from worry, just letting it slide off his back like so much water. So it's surprising to hear him voice it. More surprising that he doesn't seem to be able to handle it on his own.
Really, it makes her realize that four months is a long time for a high school relationship, but it's just a drop in the water of a lifelong one, of getting to know everything about someone.
And, for all that he's very good at filling silences with chatter, Nagisa is not so good at filling that chatter with meaning. It's probably hard for someone as bright as Nagisa to admit to having those worries. Nagisa may not be quiet, but he's silent about his worries all the same. He just chooses to talk about something else instead.
She's learned something new about him today.
He still looks worried, the bit of his face that she can see twisted up into a worried expression, and she almost laughs at it because he looks like a little sad puppy. Really, how is he so ridiculously cute for a guy? Life was so unfair! Still, despite his cute pout, Kou isn't so cruel as to leave him in the dark. It's cute, but his smile is better.
“Silly,” she murmurs fondly and uses her thumb to clean that forgotten icing off his cheek, and he looks up at her in surprise. “I was just thinking about you. And don't compare yourself to Makoto-senpai, I think his empathy level is inhuman. Nagisa is just fine for me.”
Those pink eyes go wide. “Really, Gou-chan?”
“Really.” She smiles at him, before poking his nose. “And it's Kou.”
Nagisa bursts out laughing after the poke, before throwing his arms around her, causing her to yelp and almost spill her hot chocolate, but she can't save the cookies too and they fly all over. It takes a fierce scolding and a pinch to his cheek to get Nagisa to behave, but after a sheepish smile and a quick stolen kiss that makes her cheeks go red, she grumbles and allows him to cuddle under the blanket with her.
The living room is now a mess, her hot chocolate's cold, and Nagisa goes back to chattering occasionally about superficial things as they snuggle and look out the window. The future is uncertain and they still have a lot to learn about each other, and her mother's words will always go with her. Everything could change depending on one little word tomorrow.
But being together, like this, letting their closeness speak louder than the inconsequential small talk about yesterday's practice, Kou thinks perhaps that the future can wait for a little while longer.