Work Text:
Centuries of clashing had built to this point. Senju and Uchiha throwing themselves at each other with furious deadly intent. For all his brother’s intentions, for all of Uchiha Madara’s supposed intentions, clan still made war on clan. One more blood soaked battle to stain the ground with anger, and grief, to fill the air with screaming, and weeping, and heartfelt vows of vengeance upon the living on behalf of the dead and dying.
Hashirama and Madara clashed like titans at one end of the battlefield, their brothers on the other, bracketing their respectives forces in between them, parentheses of vast destruction.
Izuna was a cunning and lethal foe, this Tobirama knew well, his deadliest rival, his equal on the battlefield and off. He smirked grimly, reaching for a kunai specially marked for the occasion. Today would be a day for surprises.
Izuna adjusted his grip on his sword, the fervor of battle pounding in his veins. Tobirama had a look on his face that spelled nothing good, the look of a cat who’d cornered a bird. Here kitty, kitty, kitty, he thought in moment of brief humor, this little birdie has claws.
It was the sound of a crashing cascade of broken glass that made both fighters pause, only to flinch away when the very air exploded with a flash of blinding yellow light. Then something— someone was launched out of the light with great speed to tumble across the battlefield, knocking into fighters and leaving them strewn in their wake, digging furrows in the ground when they tried to slow their momentum, to eventually come to a rolling stop at Hashirama and Madara’s feet. They looked down to see who, precisely, had left their battle in such disarray.
“Tobirama?” Hashirama exclaimed, dropping his sword in his astonishment.
“What the fuck…?” Madara whispered to himself and lowered his own weapon, staring past the milling shinobi at the large circular portal into someone’s lab.
On the ground, battered and bruised and bloodied from his unexpected tumble, was Tobirama. He was bare of armor and weapons, just his practical shirt and pants.
He groaned, levering himself up, blood dripped down his forehead and caked dust in hair from where he’d smacked it against the ground several times. He blinked dazedly at his surroundings, pupils unfocused.
“Tobirama!” Hashirama hooked his hands under his brother’s— a version of his brother, he recognized space-time justu accidents when he saw them— arms and pulled him to his feet. Tobirama swayed dramatically and Hashirama had to clutch at him to keep him upright. “What happened?”
“Hm?” Tobirama batted at him, trying to stand on his own.
“What the fuck!” Madara screeched, finally knocked out his shocked silence, “Why the fuck are there two of you now! You were annoying enough as a singular existence! And that— that portal!” He gestured across the the way emphatically. “What the fuck were you doing?”
“Much as I hate to agree with him, I too, am curious.” said the Tobirama native to this dimension, “That doesn’t look… advisable.” He and Izuna having successfully herded their clan members away from the strange, potentially violently unstable portal from another dimension and joining their brothers.
Madara puffed up for another tirade when the strange Tobirama finally wrenched out of Hashirama’s arms and staggered over to collapse against Madara, who caught him without thinking about it.
“What do you think you’re— !”
Madara was swiftly cut off when Tobirama seized the front of his armor and yanked him into a toe curling kiss, taking advantage and slipping his tongue past Madara’s lips. Telling Madara to shut up just made him louder and angrier, the inconsiderate bastard, luckily he knew just the way to kiss Madara weak-kneed and quiet, feeling woozily pleased with himself when Madara went limp in his grip.
He ended the kiss with a gentle peck, “Your volume is at a ten. I need you to be at a two.” Tobirama said very seriously, squinting at Madara’s very bright red, stunned face. “I’m very concussed right now.”
Now if only Izuna would stop making that tea kettle noise. He wasn’t kissing Izuna. Ew.
“Tobirama!” Hashirama recovered first and dragged this strange version of his brother away from a very quiet Madara, “You can’t just go around kissing people like that!”
The Tobirama native to this dimension made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, “Especially not Uchiha Madara.”
Izuna snarled, “Oh? Is my brother not good enough for you Senju?” Then he paused, as if he’d just realized what he’d said, “And stay away from him!” He pointed for emphasis.
Native Tobirama gave him the look such a lame comeback deserved.
Strange Tobirama turned in Hashirama’s grip, squinting three inches to the right of Hashirama’s face woozily. “When are you giving me niblings?” He demanded suddenly.
“Uh, what,” Hashirama blinked at the sudden aggression, taken aback.
Strange Tobirama sighed, his brother could be such a trial, “A nibling is—”
“I know what a nibling is!” Hashirama exclaimed, exasperated, “Where is this coming from?”
Strange Tobirama gripped his brother’s shoulders firmly, glaring with unfocused eyes. “I want nieces and nephews to spoil, damnit, stop dragging your feet!”
Before anyone could respond to that statement a familiar voice yelled from the portal.
“Hey! Is he still alive or am I making funeral arrangements?” Another Izuna was poking his head out of the shining, yellow portal.
“He’s alive!” Touka shouted back. She had no more idea than anyone else what was happening but at least it was amusing as hell. Madara was still stuck in his kiss induced, red-faced stupor, much to her hilarity. “But he’s really concussed!” She added with a grin.
Izuna in the portal facepalmed, shoulders slumping with exasperation that was loud and clear across the distance. “Alright, I’ll get him!” Saying such, he hopped through the portal and shunshined over, politely elbowing his way through the crowd of bemused Senju and Uchiha.
Strange Izuna coughed awkwardly under the confused, angry faces of his nearest and dearest, inwardly grumbling about all the trouble his best friend puts him through, “Uh, I can take him from here. We’ll be out of your hair, asap, promise.” He tried his most winning smile.
Madara finally shook himself back to lucidity, “And why,” he demanded, “are you anywhere near him! ”
Notably, he did keep his voice at a reasonable level.
Strange Izuna looked around uncomfortably, once again taking in the sight of dusty, battered armor and bloodied weapons and hostile expressions, “We have a peace treaty?” He reached for Tobirama who grasped his hand and let himself be pulled to Strange Izuna’s side.
Hashirama gasped in delight. Native Tobirama edged away from him warily.
“As unlikely as that sounds, that still doesn’t explain what you’re doing in his company.” Native Izuna hissed.
Strange Izuna frowned at his counterpart, “Why would I lie about that? He’s my brother-in-law? He married Madara.”
There was a sudden incredulous silence as several people visibly wrestled with the mental dissonance of that statement before promptly giving it up as bad job.
Touka’s brow furrowed as an unwelcome thought seemed to occur to her.
“...what.” Native Tobirama choked, “Why? He’s… Madara.” He said weakly, lacking adjectives to accurately describe everything about Madara that made him so gods damned infuriating.
Strange Tobirama slumped against Strange Izuna’s shoulder, “I don’t mind being married to Madara.” He slurred woozily. “The sex is pretty great.”
Hashirama made a noise of absolute despair. Izuna was back to sounding like a tea kettle, Madara sputtering beside him.
Strange Izuna grimaced, “Please, never say that in my hearing again.”
“Sorry.” Strange Tobirama said
“Also, how would you know? You were a virgin when you married.”
“True. I do have to accept the hypothesis at face value.” Strange Tobirama nodded.
“Which you hate.” Strange Izuna added.
“But, it doesn’t make me lay back and think of the Land of Fire. So, it’s probably okay.”
Native Tobirama hid his face in his hands, suddenly unable to look anyone in the eye. Uzu was nice this time of year, he should really consider visiting, it’d been a while.
“I already regret this entire conversation.” Strange Izuna announced.
Strange Tobirama nodded, “I’m currently missing the mental capacity to regret this conversation. But yes. What you said.”
Touka elbowed her way past Native Tobirama to seize Hashirama by the collar, “Wait just a damn minute. I have a question. ” She turned a viciously suspicious Look towards the Strange duo. “Did my esteemed Clan Head give away his only brother in marriage for his damn peace treaty? ” She snarled the words, like an incensed wild cat.
“Uh,” The Strange duo exchanged looks, or, well, Strange Izuna looked while Strange Tobirama squinted three inches to the left of Strange Izuna’s face. “We really do need to go now? I don’t know how long that portal’s going to last.” He hastily added at the look on Touka’s face.
“Oh my gods,” Madara breathed, staring at Hashirama in shock. Native Izuna staggered into a gaping Hikaku’s side, clutching his chestplate.
Native Tobirama made a wounded noise, “Brother? Would you really...?"
Strange Izuna took that as his cue to start pulling his best friend away from this mess of drama fit for a civilian soap opera. He really didn’t know how long that portal would last, and he wasn’t exactly keen to find out. Their counterparts were adults they could argue amongst themselves.
“How did this happen, anyway?” He asked.
Strange Tobirama made an annoyed sound in the back of his throat when he stumbled over loose dirt, “An unexpected spatial-temporal reaction had an unexpected exothermic reaction.” Then he frowned. “I’m never going to be able to replicate that.” He said sadly.
Strange Izuna halted, stunned. Did he just— Did he really say—
“Did you set fire to space-time!” He screeched, attracting the attention of everyone else and halting the budding screaming match.
Strange Tobirama gave him a stern look for yelling in his ear. It wasn’t very effective when he was cringing. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’d never do that on purpose.” He said loftily.
“You!” Strange Izuna spluttered, “You are going to be so grounded when I tell Madara!”
Strange Tobirama stuck his nose in the air, staggering towards the portal. “What nonsense do you speak? Madara doesn’t have the power to ground me.”
He almost fell over when his concussed swaying overbalanced him, forcing Strange Izuna to jog quickly to catch him. He spent precious seconds groaning into Strange Izuna’s shoulder, desperately wishing for a lie down for just a minute, that’s all he’s asking, just a minute, please.
“Wait a damn minute!” Madara shouted, jogging up to them, having extricated himself, “You can’t leave a question like that hanging, this is impor— !”
He was cut off when Strange Tobirama turned and grabbed his chest plate and pulled him into another, long, sloppy kiss to great effect. Strange Izuna waved his hand in front of Madara’s very red, blank face when Strange Tobirama finished, whistling when he didn’t get a reaction.
“All that from one kiss?” He asked, impressed despite himself, if a little disturbed at the sight of his brother being kissed insensate.
“I know what I’m doing.” Strange Tobirama said smugly.
“Wait!” Hashirama cried, futilely trying to escape Touka’s grip, “We really do need to know— !”
“Oh, the portal’s closing,” Strange Tobirama noted, no longer paying attention.
“What!” Strange Izuna yelped. “Sorry, we really gotta go now! It’llallworkoutIswear!”
With that he triggered a shunshin, mentally apologizing to his friend’s concussion for the sudden burst of movement. The sound of retching echoed as the portal snapped shut with a last burst of yellow light and the ear shattering sound of breaking glass.
There was a tense silence as the Senju and Uchiha stared at where the portal had been.
“Sooo, nuptials? Are we going with that?” Hikaku asked.
It was too much. Izuna fainted.
Later, once he’d settled Tobirama into a hospital bed, a thought would occur to Izuna.
“Oh shit. Did we ever clarify that your marriage happened because of the peace treaty, not the peace treaty because of your marriage?” He paled as the potential ramifications tumbled through his mind’s eye, each more bizarre and terrifying then the last.
Tobirama grumbled into his pillow, “Why are you asking me? I don’t even remember what I said two seconds ago.”
Izuna paused his mental doomsdaying, “Did you say something two seconds ago?”
Tobirama paused to think about it and groaned in misery, “I don’t remember!”
“There, there,” Izuna patted his shoulder, “I’m sure it wasn’t important.”
He did his best to put the other dimension out of his mind. Surely, they’d be fine.