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Prologue: Tryin' to hope with nothing to hold.
Victor mourned the end of their season like the death of hope. As he sat, slightly less than stoic, in an arena that wasn't his own, he could feel the optimism draining from his body with every second the clock clicked closer to zero on the final period.
Of course, there were the obvious reasons he didn't want the season to end, such as the chance to make it to the Stanley Cup Final in consecutive years, and maybe even win it all. It had been so close, he could almost taste it.
There were also the not so obvious reasons, the reasons no one probably knew.
He wasn't oblivious to all the contact talk that had been surrounding Steven, as well as the team. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it, or that it didn't occasionally keep him up at night.
Truth was, when he walked out of that locker room for the summer, bag slung over his shoulder and heavy with gear, he had no way of knowing if Steven would be there when he returned.
The offseason would be a swirl of questions and uncertainties, and that wasn't something Victor was looking forward to starting.
He didn't plan on making a big deal of things, no lengthy farewells before they parted ways for the summer. Victor wasn't exactly sure where his relationship with Steven stood at that very instant, but he knew they weren't quite 'there yet.’
He just wanted to leave Steven with the casual offer of 'call me if you need anything.’
Those words played in Victor's head on a continuous loop. He knew all that was left for him to do was take a deep breath, try and find some solace in the lonely off-season, and hope Steven would take him up on his offer.
Part One: You took my heart.
Örnsköldsvik was Victor's favorite place to be during the summer months. There wasn't a single thing he couldn't fall in love with, from the weather, to his small cabin overlooking the water, to the town itself. Every second he spent in his hometown made him feel more grounded, clear-headed, and focused.
The view from his front porch was breathtaking, and definitely something he missed during the season, along with the early morning ritual that he'd picked up so long ago he can't even remember.
Victor loved to wake up early, brew himself a cup of coffee as strong as he could stand, and take it out onto the patio, usually with his dog trotting along behind him. The chair he'd sit in when he got there was old and worn, but still comfortable and sturdy. He would lose all track of time as he sat there, staring out over the inlet as it sparkled in the sun. He would think about the way the water seemed a darker shade of blue, or perhaps how it even seemed to dance when the wind hit it just right. He would think about the weather, and the fact that even though the sun had been up for a few hours by the time he had woken, it was still cool and breezy, with only a slight chance of rain.
He would think about anything and nothing, but he wouldn't allow himself to think about hockey, and this time was no different.
He'd been outside for that seemed like days, slowly rocking in his favorite chair, when he heard the faint sounds of his cell phone ringing inside, on the counter where he’d left it. Victor didn't stir, or even think about moving a muscle to retrieve it. He was relatively sure it must be a wrong number, given the early hour, and he certainly wasn't about to disturb his tranquility to find out.
Finally, the noise ceased, and Victor wasn't any closer to gaining the will to move.
“Ready to go inside, Harry?” he said softly, directing his voice to the French Bulldog laying at his feet. For his part, Harry didn't seem amused, or even the least bit excited. He simply yawned, and laid his head back down between his outstretched paws.
Victor laughed. “Yeah, me neither.”
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By the time Victor had finally made his way back inside, he had almost forgotten about the phone call. He probably would have gone all day without giving it a second thought, but a quick glance towards the coffee table where the phone was laying, notification light blinking, served to jog his memory.
He slowly made his way over to the couch, and settled into its soft, leather cushions before reaching for his phone. When he turned on the screen to check the missed calls, Victor expected to see a number he doesn't recognize. The thought that maybe the early morning call would have been Steven never even crossed his mind, yet there was his number, along with a text.
Hey, got time to talk?
Victor briefly struggled over whether to call Steven right away, or send him a quick text first. He even typed up a couple lines, only to erase them moments later in favor of dialing Steven's number instead.
He wasn't even sure what Steven would say when he picked up the phone, if he would get right to the point or make small talk, but he didn't have long to think about it, as he answered after only a couple rings.
“Sorry I missed you before. I didn't think you'd be calling his early,” Victor said, after Steven offered the usual greetings.
The light sound of Steven's laughter came over the line, followed by his voice, and Victor hadn't realised how much he missed both until that very second. “I honestly don't even know what time it is there, but it's like midnight over here. Sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn't, I've been up.”
“You did say I could call if I needed you, remember?” There was an almost musical lilt to Steven's voice, but it was his choice of words that Victor got hung up on.
I needed you.
Actually, Victor's exact words were ‘call me if you need anything,’ but he liked the thought of Steven needing him in particular, so he certainly wasn't about to push the issue.
“Yeah, I did. You know I don't mind,” Victor said honestly. “What's up?”
“Tell me why I should stay.” The words rushed out of Steven so fast, Victor barely had time to process them, but once he did, once the words finally hit his brain, he had a feeling they were the real reason Steven had called in the first place.
“Stay...in Tampa?” Victor asked, slightly confused. He knew that Steven would've been thinking over his contract extension and weighing his options, that much was expected. What threw Victor off, was the uncertainty he detected in Steven's voice. Of all the years he'd known Steven, doubt and apprehension was just something that never seemed to touch him.
Of course, he also knew he couldn't deny Steven of anything, ever, nor did he want to.
“Well,” Victor started, stalling slightly to allow himself time to think. “You love the warm weather, I can tell.”
“You can tell?”
“Um hmm,” Victor hummed into the phone. “I only see you wear shorts anymore.”
“Ok, that's not true.” Steven said, brushing off Victor's comment.
“It is, and you'd think your legs would be more tan by now.”
“Shut up, and stop looking at my legs”
“You love people looking at you, don't even deny it.” Victor loved their back and forth banter, along with the opportunity to make Steven laugh.
“I wasn't going to,” Steven admitted, hints of self assurance laced through his voice.
“Well, people won't be looking at you in Toronto, always bundled up with nothing but your eyes peeking through," Victor explained, and immediately found himself having to refrain from making a comment about exactly how nice Steven's eyes were.
“Ok, it's not always that cold, and you know it,” Steven countered.
“You sure?”
Steven made a sound of indifference that filtered over the phone.
“Besides, Harry will miss you.” With those words, Victor glanced down to the dog that had taken up residence at his feet, and saw Harry's ears perk at the mention of his name.
“He'll miss the treats I bring him every Tuesday, is more like it.”
“Of course,” Victor started. “Well, I better go, he heard me say his name and he's giving me that look .”
He heard Steven chuckle, and it was one of the best things he's ever heard. Ending the call was the last thing Victor wanted to do, but Harry's growing whine made the decision for him.
Part Two: And you held it on your mouth.
The darkness surrounding Victor was suddenly pierced by the sound of his cell's ringtone, and as he tried to pry himself from the grips of sleep, he found himself wishing he had chosen a different one. Rolling over in bed, he made a frantic grasp for the night stand, where he had left the phone to charge before tucking himself into a mountain of pillows and comforters.
Usually, he would curse the device for ringing in the middle of the night, but this time, he knew he had to answer it before the caller hung up or it went to voicemail. Even though he hadn't spoken to Steven in few days, there was no doubt in Victor's mind that Steven was the one calling him at such a late hour.
He managed to retrieve his cell before either one of those things happened, but he didn't manage to answer it without letting a long yawn slip out.
“Shit, Heds, what time is it there?” Steven asked, forgoing any other form of greeting.
“Doesn't matter,” Victor said in a sleep drenched voice, and to him, it truly didn't.
“I'm sorry, I've just got so much going on, I always forget about the time difference,” Steven started, before letting out a heavy sigh. “I was just hoping you could talk? Give me another reason to stay?”
Victor could tell by the tone of Steven's voice that he wasn't the only one that was exhausted, but unlike him, Steven's weariness was probably owed more to his mental state than it was to the hour.
“S’fine, really.” Victor felt another yawn rise up inside him, but he stifled it before it could escape, and there was a few seconds of silence before Victor remembered the question posed to him. “Tampa has that one restaurant you like.”
“Toronto has poutine,” Steven answered all too quickly, almost as if he already had that particular answer in mind, and was just waiting to use it.
“I'll make you poutine whenever you want.”
“You can't cook.”
Victor shifted slightly in the bed, then stretched.
“You could teach me,” he said, and was suddenly intrigued by the idea.
“What's in it for me?”
“Umm,” Victor started, drawing it out a little longer than necessary. “Poutine, obviously.”
A brief pause filled the line, almost as if Steven was thinking, maybe even pondering Victor's words, and Victor suddenly found himself having to fight to keep his eyes open. They slid closed as he lost the battle, but then flew back open when Steven finally spoke, breaking the silence. He tried to focus, but Steven's words seemed far away and muffled, washing over him like a dark, warm wave. His eyes slowly closed again, before he could stop them.
What felt like only moments later, Victor jolted awake, without ever realising he had fallen asleep in the first place. He reached down, spreading his fingers over the sheets beside him, searching in the darkness for his phone. He finally finds it lying by his pillow, where he must have dropped it when he dozed off.
Squinting his eyes against the brightness of the phone’s illuminated lock screen, Victor could make out the time as four in the morning, and decided it was far too late to call Steven back.
Victor set the phone back down beside him, and shifted, trying to get comfortable. It didn't take long for sleep to overcome him once more.
Part Three: Every whisper, every sigh…
Victor wasn't expecting his phone to ring just as he was finishing breakfast, yet there he was, washing the last of his eggs from his plate, when he heard the familiar sound. Luckily, his phone wasn't far, which had been par for the course over the previous week. A quick glance at the screen told him it was Steven, and immediately, Victor answered, trying to keep the concern from his voice.
“You ok? It's so late there.”
“I couldn't sleep,” Steven started, his voice weak and tired. “I'm kinda surprised you know what time it is here.”
“Don't be. Some of us can do the math,” Victor said with a slight laugh, which he hoped didn't sound too fake or forced. Truthfully, his heart sunk a little at the sound of Steven's voice, and the thought of him laying in bed, unable to rest.
“You want me to give you a reason to stay, don't you?” Victor’s tone was placating, possibly a little more than intended, but he just couldn't help himself.
Steven yawned, and let out a weak chuckle. “Perhaps.”
“Your stuff is already there, in Tampa.”
“I have stuff here, too.”
Victor knew Steven meant Toronto, and he knew, at least for that moment, it was only temporary...but it still stung.
“I'm not helping you move the rest of it up there.” Victor started with a laugh, but stopped himself short when he started to believe the words. He briefly prayed that Steven didn't catch on.
Steven let out the sound of an irritated huff.
“Would you ever come back to visit?” Victor asked, trying to keep his voice even and calm.
“Guess I would have to, since you refuse to help me move.”
“It's for your own good, trust me,” Victor said, this time able to laugh through it.
“Sure, if you say so,” Steven said, the sarcasm clear in his voice.
They don't say goodbye that night, instead, they talk until Steven falls asleep and Victor listens to his even and steady breathing for a few seconds before disconnecting the call.
Part Four: Eats away this heart of mine.
The time of day that Steven would call followed no rhyme or reason, and Victor quickly gave up all hope of Steven ever remembering the time difference between them.
This time, the call came just as Victor was settling on the couch, surrounding himself with pillows, and propping his feet up, making sure the television remote was well within reach. He had a feeling it was Steven before he even reached for his phone, and in a way, he was glad. Talking with Steven was far better than any other form of entertainment Victor could have used to fill his evening.
As he slid his thumb over the phone's lock screen, answering the call, he briefly wondered if all the things he'd said to Steven over the past few weeks had any affect on his decision.
Victor brought the phone to his ear, and uttered his hello, but didn't get anything out past that. This time, Steven was direct, and to the point, jumping right in with a weary voice.
“Give me a reason to stay.”
Victor could tell something had been weighing heavy on Steven's mind, and he knew he had to give Steven the words he needed to hear. “I'll be there.”
That answer wasn't just what Victor thought Steven wanted to hear, but also what he deserved, and he didn't just mean that he'd be in Tampa, physically taking up space in that zip code. Victor also meant that he'd always 'be there,’ by Steven's side, no matter what, and he could feel that Steven knew it too.
There was long pause, as if Steven didn't quite know what to say, but it doesn't feel awkward or heavy. Victor wanted to wrap himself in it, and do nothing else but listen to the sounds of Steven breathing. He knew he couldn't go on like that forever, but that doesn't stop him from wishing that he could.
Finally Steven broke through the silence. “I'm sorry, man. That was kinda rude. I didn't even ask how you were or if it was a good time to talk.”
Victor let out a chuckle. “It's ok, I wasn't doing anything important. Just relaxing.”
After that, the conversation was a mixture of anything and nothing at all, but the one thing it didn't involve was hockey or contracts. There was a brief lull here and there, but when Steven's voice grew more tired, Victor knew it was time to let him go.
Part Five: With the word, all my love came rushing out
Victor was enjoying his usual morning routine of sitting outside in peaceful tranquility and staring over the water, when his phone chimed with a text alert. Usually, leaving his phone inside was a conscious decision Victor would make, in order to keep anything from distracting or disturbing him, but that was before.
He had promised Steven he would be there for him, and Victor would do anything to keep that promise, even if Steven hadn't known what was being pledged to him at the time.
Victor glanced down at his phone, reading the text displayed.
Can we chat?
Victor typed up a quick reply, a smile wide on his face, and hit send.
Sure, I'm not busy. Just sitting here. Call whenever.
Steven's reply came a short time after.
I mean...like video chat, or whatever.
Victor was momentarily taken aback. It was a request that Steven had never made, but one he was happy to fulfill. After running a quick hand through his hair, then silently chiding himself for worrying about such things, Victor pulled up Steven's number in his phone, and initiated the video call. His heart skipped a beat when Steven's face filled the screen. Oh, God, he looked perfect. He was no doubt tired, as it was roughly midnight in Toronto, but his eyes were still the brightest shade of blue, and it took Victor's breath away.
“Hey, Vic. What time is it there? Are you outside?” Steven said, stifling a yawn.
Instead of answering, Victor simply turned the phone away, slowly panning the camera over his surroundings, allowing Steven to partake in the majestic view. A few seconds later, he was once again turning the screen to face him.
“Wow, it's really gorgeous there. I can see why you love it,” Steven said with a smile.
“It's very peaceful, and quiet.”
“I would've started video chatting sooner, if I knew you'd be giving me views like that.”
All Victor could think in that instant, was how he would have loved nothing more. “I'll remember that for next time.”
“And what makes you think I'll be calling you again, hm?” Steven started, before letting out a tired laugh. “You've been no help.”
“No help, really? Is that why you keep interrupting my vacation?” Victor couldn't help but smile, and let out a small laugh of his own. He had to briefly stop and remind himself not to let his emotions become so evident on his face, since Steven could see every little thing he did.
“I think you better prove it. Give me another reason to stay.”
“Because jag älskar dig. ” The words flew out of Victor before he could stop them, and immediately, he wanted to shove them back in his mouth, and swallow them down, never to be heard from again. It wasn't that he didn't mean it, he did, it was just that it was something he swore to himself that he'd never share, not with anyone, and certainly not with someone in the midst of making a potentially life changing decision. A decision which may hinder on those very words.
“Did you forget you weren't talking to Stralsy?”
“You'll be alright, pretty sure they have Google Translate in Toronto,” Victor said, his voice sounding far more confident than he actually felt.
“Yeah, yeah, fine.” Steven said, laughter in his voice. “See? No help.”
Victor's heart raced at the sight of Steven's smile, and the sound of his laugh. He tried to shake it off, but the truth was, he simply couldn't believe he just said those words to Steven's face. Well, kind of.
Part Six: It isn't easy for me to let it go
Victor wanted to be the one to call Steven this time, so bad that he wrestled with it, turning it over in his mind until he couldn't do anything else, other than reach for the phone.
He knew he wasn't due to negotiate a new contract for another season, but ever since he uttered those three magical words to Steven, his future, and where Steven fit into it, was all Victor could think about. He wanted to know that when he woke in the morning, he'd be going to the same rink he'd been going to since he was drafted, and he wanted to know that Steven would be right there along with him.
He wanted to share a future with Steven, a future that involved more than one trip around the ice with the Stanley Cup hoisted high over his head.
But, there was the matter of their previous call, and Victor's confession. He hadn't heard from Steven since that day, and he wanted desperately to know why. He let all the possible reasons run through his head until it was all he could think about.
It could be that once Steven learned what Victor had said, he decided he wanted nothing to do with him. Or, it could be something as simple as the fact that Steven just forgot to investigate the words’ true meaning as soon as the video call ended, especially since he hadn't known how important it really was at the time.
Victor thought about waiting for Steven to call him first, over and over, but before he knew it, the phone was in his hand, and it was ringing Steven's number. He didn't give Steven a chance to say anything past 'hello.'
“Give me a reason to stay.”
“Well, hi to you too,” Steven laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“Give me a reason to stay,” Victor repeated in a pleading voice, but it wasn't a question or a request, not in the same way it was when Steven had said it. Victor didn't want a list of everything that was great about Florida, he wanted Steven to literally give him a reason to stay. He was practically begging for it.
“Oh, you mean your contract? You thinking about that already, eh?”
All Victor could do was hum his affirmation. His heart was nearly pounding out of his chest, and he certainly couldn't have trusted himself to speak.
“Well,” Steven started, his voice a little shaky. “Because I can't imagine you anywhere else. This team wouldn't be the same without you, they need you.”
Victor smiled, momentarily forgetting that Steven wasn't able to see his appreciation.
“I need you,” Steven continued, putting extra emphasis on the first word.
Victor could tell Steven was nervous, and he heard Steven suck in a steadying breath before speaking the words that gave him everything he ever wanted.
“And, most importantly, because I love you too.”