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There’s many theories on soulmates. Some say soulmates come from the same star, inexplicably drawn to each other like gravity, the universe putting itself back together again and righting itself once more. Some say soulmates were once one person, so powerful that the gods split them into two and left them to find their other half forever. Some say soulmates are united through their reincarnations, meant for each other in every lifetime.
Everyone agrees that soulmates exist. Why wouldn’t they, when on every human’s wrist is a compass that points to their soulmate.
Hyungwon is two and some days when his compass first appears. He runs to his parents’ room to show them, jumping into their bed with the exuberance of a toddler that has yet to realize the cruelties of the world. He doesn’t understand what it means just yet, but he’s seen them on his parents and he knows it means he’s growing up.
They explain soulmates to him over breakfast, his mother balancing Hyungwon’s little brother up with one arm and holding hands with Hyungwon’s father in the other. The compasses on their wrists, they show him, always point to each other.
Hyungwon is two when he demands his parents to take him to wherever his soulmate is. Don’t worry, he has directions, he assures them. He pouts when they laugh and tell him not to be too hasty, soulmates find each other when the time is right. For now, he let’s it go, content to wait. He wonders if his soulmate is as excited as he is to meet him too.
Two years later, Hyungwon is four when he realizes that his soulmate must be very far away. The blue ocean stands in front of him, at the very edge of Korea and the rest of the world beyond it. He holds out his wrist, the way his parents showed him, and the arrow points out to sea, out into open waters and it never changes direction. (Secretly, Hyungwon wonders if his soulmate is a mermaid but his parents only smile fondly and tell him his soulmate is out there when he brings up his suspicions later that day.)
Luckily, Hyungwon’s parents own a travel agency and maps of the world are plentiful in his home. If his soulmate is not Korean, he should be prepared for whatever language his soulmate will speak. His parents ruffle his hair when they agree to let him learn Chinese as his secondary language when he enters elementary school.
Hyungwon is on break from studying his Chinese characters, so he holds out his wrist and wonders where his soulmate could be when his compass changes direction. Instead of west, it now points east. With a sigh, he gives up on his homework (he never did like learning his Chinese characters, there were always too many and they didn't have a simple pattern like Hangul) and goes to search for a map. The next day, he asks his parents if he can switch to Japanese.
In the end, he takes on both because what if his soulmate is a Chinese person that lives in Japan? He wants to be prepared, or at least that’s what he tells himself when he gets caught up in imagining the sights and the sounds of countries not his own. His parents tease him, asking him why he is so sure his soulmate is in Asia. For all they know, his soulmate could be in America. Hyungwon thinks it's silly because on the maps, America is always to the west. He shrugs and turns back to his language books.
When his compass changes direction again, he’s halfway through his Chinese lessons, a quarter through Japanese, and he’s learning a little Spanish and Portuguese here and there. Instead of staring at maps and wondering where his soulmate might be, he imagines all the places he would like to visit instead. Sometimes he imagines meeting his soulmate there, under the sakura blossoms in Tokyo, next to a street food vendor in Beijing, on a bustling street in Seoul. He imagines a world outside of his little sleepy town of Gwangju and wonders why his soulmate would ever come back here instead.
Hyungwon oversleeps on his first day of middle school. He curses himself, hastily dresses in his uniform and attempts to fix the bird nest that is his hair. He dashes out the door with a kiss from his mom and lunch neatly placed inside his backpack. He’s in too much of a rush to do his usual morning ritual of checking if his compass has changed directions.
As he passes by his old elementary school, he almost crashes into a small boy who’s running from the school to where an older man in a white lab coat and wire-rimmed glasses holds out a lunchbox with a fond smile. The kid apologizes without ever looking at Hyungwon and leaves as quickly as he came so Hyungwon can’t catch his face although, strangely, he wants to. He checks his watch and groans. If he doesn’t start sprinting now, he won’t make it in time to get the corner seat in the back of the classroom.
Hyungwon stops actively looking for his soulmate when he meets Minhyuk. Minhyuk is sweet and shy when they first meet but does a complete 180 when they become friends. He thinks in another life, he and Minhyuk could have been soulmates, the way Minhyuk draws him in. But they're not soulmates in this life because, although their compasses point in the same direction sometimes, they do not point to each other.
Minhyuk is only in Gwangju for the summers to visit his grandparents. They meet at the local dance school that's holding summer sessions and Hyungwon falls for Minhyuk’s stories of the busy streets of Seoul, of a city that never sleeps. Even when the classes for his age group are over, he finds himself staying after hours just to chat with Minhyuk. They sit together and watch the younger classes practice, commenting on who is doing the best (they like the dark-haired boy with sharp eyes and traces of acne on his round cheeks), before they get kicked out for being distractions. Not once does he ever check his compass. He wonders if this is love.
It is love, he finds out, when the end of the summer approaches over and over again and the summer before Hyungwon’s senior year of high school, Hyungwon’s parents ask him if he would like to go to college in Australia. It is love because he checks his compass and today it points south (although yesterday when he checked, it pointed east, which means his soulmate must be close by) and Hyungwon imagines having an adventure with the kangaroos and seeing the sites and he wants to go, he really does. But he says no.
He says no and asks to study in Seoul instead. His parents ask him why and he doesn't know how to explain that his heart wants to leave this tiny town and Minhyuk feels like the biggest adventure he could ever have.
Come the following year, Hyungwon knows it is love, but not the kind he has been searching for. His love for Minhyuk is real but he loves Minhyuk like a friend, like family. In the midst of a city that threatens to swallow Hyungwon whole, Minhyuk is an anchor in the thrashing sea.
So rightfully, he's angry when Minhyuk decides to not be his roommate and instead rooms in the campus dorms with a one Yoo Kihyun. This Kihyun is a performing arts major with a focus in vocals, minor in photography, who's also in Minhyuk’s education track. Minhyuk, a graphic design and education double major, abandons his best friend in favor of a new one. Hyungwon complains the entire time he helps Minhyuk move into his dorm. Yoo Kihyun walks into the room, takes one look at the two of them and sighs.
In the end, Hyungwon begrudgingly accepts Kihyun. He's the same age as Minhyuk and he's fiery and snarky enough to roll with all the punches. On days when Hyungwon crashes at their place, he makes breakfast for all of them. They develop their own brand of fondness, an eclectic mix of insults and support, of savagery and comfort.
Kihyun and Minhyuk are not soulmates although Hyungwon thinks they could be in another world, another lifetime, the way they just get each other. But the way their compasses move show that their soulmates are close by. Hyungwon doesn't check his, doesn't want to feel the disappointment of seeing his compass firmly stuck south back to Gwangju like the first time he checked when he arrived in Seoul. He wonders why his soulmate would ever want to remain in their little hometown and a part of him sneers a good riddance because Hyungwon can't imagine being trapped in that little city when Seoul is spread out before him and the whole world just a little beyond that.
Hyungwon is halfway through his first semester as a communications major with a focus on foreign languages and acting minor when Kihyun introduces him to Shin Hoseok. Hoseok is a composition major and dance minor in his second year and he and his roommate are looking for a third. Hyungwon can afford the apartment he has now, his family isn't poor, but he finds himself crashing at Minhyuk and Kihyun’s place a little too often because his little apartment in the middle of Seoul is a little too lonely.
So he jumps at the chance because while Hoseok’s muscular body and unfair good looks scream douchey frat boy, Hoseok also screams when he climbs the stairs and cries when he misses his mom even though his mom lives just a few blocks away from his apartment. With Hoseok comes his roommate, Son Hyunwoo, also big, also muscular, and also just as soft.
Hyunwoo is a dance and vocal double major. Both he and Hoseok make money performing in the underground although they both hope their college degrees will land them cushy jobs at any of the big entertainment companies that line the streets of Seoul. They take Hyungwon to watch one of their shows, a group they're in with two high school seniors. As Shownu and Wonho, they shine on stage that Hyungwon wonders if this is the adventure he is looking for.
It's not the adventure, but it's part of it. He starts DJing under the stage name H.One, first just helping out with music for Shownu and Wonho’s group. There, he meets Lee Jooheon and Song Gunhee. They're high school seniors by day, underground rappers by night, and all around good kids. Jooheon already has an acceptance letter lined up for the college that Hyungwon attends.
It's at their last show before Jooheon graduates high school that Hyungwon understands how soulmates find each other. In the crowd, Minhyuk and Kihyun are somewhere, jamming along to the high intensity beat, the fast-paced rap, and the powerful dance.
They come down from the stage, still high from the audience’s energy, where Minhyuk and Kihyun are waiting to congratulate them. Hoseok sees them first and lights up, breaking free of their little group to glomp Kihyun and to be glomped by Minhyuk. They're still in their cuddle when Hyungwon and Hyunwoo reach them.
Hyunwoo bows, ever so polite and awkward. Minhyuk let's go of Hoseok in favor of clinging to Hyunwoo’s arm instead and ushers Kihyun over to meet the older. With a harsh jab to the ribs, Kihyun breaks free from Hoseok’s stranglehold and holds out his hand to greet Hyunwoo.
Their eyes meet. Both of them look down to where their hands are held and Kihyun pulls up his sleeve. They slowly flip their wrists. Their compasses point at each other. Hyungwon’s actually a little disappointed. He expected fireworks and immediate sexual tension or romantic attraction but Kihyun and Hyunwoo both look awkward, like they can't meet each other’s eyes. They separate easily and Hyungwon thinks that he never wants to find his soulmate if their first meeting is like this.
Jooheon finally joins them, telling them he had to send a school dongsaeng off for the night. Minhyuk takes one look at Jooheon and goes flying towards the younger male to grab at his cheeks and coo praises at him. This time, Hyungwon sees it, the sparks when soulmates meet. Hyungwon leaves before he can feel jealous, because he's not jealous of Jooheon for being Minhyuk’s soulmate.
It reminds him of a time when he was younger and when he spent hours daydreaming of meeting his soulmate. Hoseok catches his eye and they sit together and drink cheers for their friends that have found each other. Hoseok, for all his muscle, is a bit of a lightweight, and after a few bottles of soju, he leans over the table and plants a soft kiss on Hyungwon’s lips with a giggle. Hyungwon’s heart races and his lips tingle.
For the first time since he came to Seoul, Hyungwon checks his compass only to be disappointed when it does not point to Hoseok. The needle moves lazily but Hyungwon is too drunk and too frustrated to care that his soulmate might be somewhere in this big city. He looks at Hoseok in front of him, cheeks flushed red and dark black hair messed up from the stage and wonders if he could have loved Hoseok more if he had been his soulmate. He doesn't know.
Hyungwon’s sophomore year of college passes uneventfully. Well, as uneventful as having twin terrors Minhyuk and Kihyun as best friends can be. The two move out of the campus dorms and into the vacant apartment next door. Jooheon, although Hyungwon isn't surprised, comes with them.
And Hyungwon isn't upset, not in the way he thought he would be, because he knows he loves Minhyuk like he loves his brother, and he knows he will learn to love Jooheon the way he's learned to love Hyunwoo and Kihyun. And Hoseok.
After their kiss too many nights ago, Hoseok only apologizes and says that he understands if Hyungwon wants to wait for his soulmate. Hoseok, himself, has no plans to search for his soulmate. Hyungwon tells him he’s still waiting and nothing else goes forward. But Hyungwon gets caught up in the storm that is Hoseok, who loves and loves without ever wondering if they're meant to be or expecting anything back and it makes Hyungwon think. Soulmates are destined, two souls tied together by fate. But love is a choice and it's a choice Hyungwon wants to make for himself.
His decision is that he doesn't have time for love. Not when there's so much left of the world to explore, not when he's in the middle of accomplishing his dreams. But a part of him feels like he’s lost an integral part of himself when he chooses to stop looking for his soulmate. He sees the pairs around him and tells himself that it’s not emptiness that he feels, not loneliness, that it’s just him having a hard time letting go of someone that he’s been searching his whole life for. He doesn’t want a relationship but he can’t help but witness and observe his friends’ relationships.
Hyunwoo and Kihyun move slowly in their relationship. Hyungwon’s entire sophomore year is spent watching them navigate friendship. They don't always get along, Hyunwoo slow and calm, Kihyun quick and fiery. Kihyun can be uncooperative and Hyunwoo unaware. It takes a while for them to work out their differences but once they do, Hyungwon understands why they are soulmates. They balance each other out and push each other to become better people and while they're still growing, the affection is there. Hyungwon imagines falling in love the way Hyunwoo and Kihyun do, slow and sweet and careful, and he thinks he likes it.
But he imagines the childish, immature love shared between Jooheon and Minhyuk and he craves that too. Jooheon and Minhyuk are quick to start dating but Minhyuk understands that Jooheon is young and doesn't move any faster than Jooheon allows him. Their relationship is characterized by loving touches and soft kisses, but also by loud laughs and elaborate pranks. Sometimes Jooheon’s sensitive nature conflicts with Minhyuk’s boisterous personality and they don't talk to each other for hours before running back to each other’s arms. But when Hyungwon sees them together, he sees love.
When Hyungwon sees them together, he also sees them in more compromising positions than he would like and he's learned that if Kihyun is over, that he should not go barging into their dorm unless he plans to get an eyeful of the bare skin on Jooheon's thighs. He thanks god that Hyunwoo and Kihyun are old and married (or at least they act like they are) and satisfied with just soft touches and pecks on the lips.
On days when Hoseok and Hyungwon don't feel like being surrounded by couples, they go down to the local coffee shop and study there. Hoseok tells him of a high school senior that he's mentoring, who's thinking of entering their university as a composition major.
“Yeah, he's really smart. And he's got a lot of talent for someone so young. Plus he's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. He's like a puppy. It makes me want to bite him.”
Hyungwon absently swirls his drink with his straw and thinks that maybe this person is Hoseok’s soulmate, the way stars light up in Hoseok’s eyes when he talks of this kid. He feels a little bitter but he reminds himself that Hoseok has enough love to spare even after he finds his soulmate.
It seems that everyone else has suddenly found another person to adore and Hyungwon wonders how big their friend group will expand if the others keep adopting more children. He likes the way they are right now and it almost feels wrong to add a newcomer to the careful balance they have already set up.
He finds Jooheon messaging his “treasured high school dongsaeng” and the way Jooheon smiles down whenever his phone pings! with a message let's Hyungwon know how special this person is to Jooheon. He asks Jooheon about it and Jooheon simply replies that he's trying to convince the kid to study music at their university instead of some obscure science somewhere abroad. Hyungwon doesn't comment, doesn't tell Jooheon that he should tell his friend that studying abroad would be an adventure of a lifetime that he would regret missing out on, because Jooheon looks so determined to keep this kid in Korea and by his side.
Hyungwon thinks it's fine to add two new kids into their little group next year if they get along with each other. But he puts his foot down on kid number three that Minhyuk and Kihyun adopt from the local convenience store. They regale him with stories of the high school senior that stops by the convenience store for instant ramen twice a week. Hyungwon suspects that Kihyun’s and Minhyuk’s nightly excursions, sometimes laden with fresh home cooked food, are for this kid. He's a little jealous because Kihyun buys yukhoe for the kid even though he knows it's one of Hyungwon’s favorite foods. He once tried to go with them to meet the boy only to find out that the kid is at home studying for his college entrance exam (he remembers that Jooheon’s friend and Hoseok’s protegee are also taking exams at the same time).
Three kids is enough until Hyunwoo decides to adopt a lost puppy from the park. It's not really a puppy, it's another high school senior, but the way Hyunwoo describes him, the description is accurate. Hyungwon briefly wonders why there are so many high school seniors that his friends are so willing to adopt into their circle. According to Hyunwoo, he found the kid wandering the park near the university when he was on his morning jog. It seemed like the kid was wandering around in circles for a while because he passed by the student enough times to get worried. The boy, it turns out, had just passed his entrance exam and was taking an unguided tour of the school to celebrate.
And so, Hyungwon’s friends each adopt a high school senior into their group. None of the boys have met the other’s newest addition and for some reason, names aren't being passed around. Each boy keeps their high school senior like a secret. Hyungwon blames the feeling of being left out from not having a cute younger friend to coddle that leads him to this.
Chae Hyungwon meets Lim Changkyun on a chilly spring day on his way to buy a cake for Hoseok’s birthday.
Hyungwon walks into the bakery near the university after classes. A high school student, from the uniform that Hyungwon can see under his oversized coat, has a bag of instant ramen from the convenience store on his wrist and he's staring at the cakes on display. The name badge has the characters 임창균 on it.
Changkyun points at one of the cakes and asks for the price and Hyungwon groans when he sees which one the kid asks for. It's a strawberry cake with little bunny character macarons on top and it’s the perfect cake for Hoseok. The owner says the price and Hyungwon mentally calculates that he has just enough for it. Next to Hyungwon, the kid counts his money only to look crestfallen when he comes up short.
“Is it possible to lower the price?” The owner resolutely shakes his head no and the kid sighs and thanks the owner before leaving the bakery. Hyungwon watches Changkyun go with a heavy feeling in his heart but does nothing about it. He doubts he’ll see the kid again anyways.
Except he does because he passes the convenience store with the cake box in hand to buy more candles because Hoseok is an old man and Hyungwon thinks it's funny to tease him. At the window, Hyungwon can see the kid, Changkyun he reminds himself, eating his instant noodles sullenly. He almost feels bad when Changkyun stares at his noodles like they did him wrong before slurping them up. He does feel bad when Changkyun sniffs and rubs his nose.
Well, it was time for him to adopt a high school senior anyways, is what he says to himself to justify why he walks into the convenience store and plops the cake next to Changkyun, making the kid jump in surprise.
“Hey kid, stop crying and take the cake.”
“I’m not crying? And who are you?” Oh, on closer inspection, Changkyun’s eyes are dry. He takes another bite from his ramen and sniffs from the spice and heat of the steaming noodles.
Hyungwon is a little flustered but he's already embarrassed himself once, might as well finish what he started. “I saw you wanted to buy the cake at the bakery so I bought it for you.”
Changkyun looks down at the box with mild surprise but turns to stare at Hyungwon with suspicious eyes. “That… doesn't answer my question.”
“Chae Hyungwon, college sophomore.” If Hyungwon had known how hard the adoption process was, he wouldn't have tried. But he's in too deep now. “You can pay me back later, Lim Changkyun,” he says before he walks off into the cold night air as mysteriously cool as he hopes he looks.
He doubles back around and hides behind a tree to watch Changkyun open the box suspiciously only to break into a wide smile. Changkyun turns back to his ramen with a little happy grin and gosh, are those dimples? Hyungwon mentally pats himself on the back for choosing a cute one. He bets the other guys’ kids aren't as cute as his. He’s halfway home when he remembers that he never got the kid’s phone number and now he doesn’t have a present for Hoseok. Oh well, he’ll just make a card and upload a derpy picture with a heartfelt caption. That should be enough, right?
Hyungwon meets Lim Changkyun again a few days later after the entrance ceremony for incoming freshman at the university. He spots Changkyun roaming the park in a soft sweater and wool jacket on his walk back to the apartment from classes. Out of his school uniform, he looks more mature but yet also much softer and sweeter. The contrast brews something warm in Hyungwon’s chest. The boy looks content and peaceful, cheeks flushed from the cold and Hyungwon holds back the squeal of affection normally saved for cute babies.
“Lim Changkyun-shi,” he calls out, startling the boy from his thoughts.
“Ah, Chaewon-shi,” Changkyun says in surprise.
“Chae Hyungwon,” he corrects. “Are you a new student here?” Hyungwon can’t help that his smile doubles in size when Changkyun nods his head. “Well then, congratulations on your admission. Let me know if you have any questions.”
Changkyun bows and thanks him for the offer but says, “It’s alright Hyungwon-shi, I actually have some hyungs that go here that are willing to help me too.”
Hyungwon doesn’t even have time to ask who when a distant “Changkyun-ah!” is heard and Changkyun lights up and returns a cheerful “Hyung!” to the voice. But wait, that voice sounds familiar…
“Hyung?”
“Hyungwon, what are you doing here? Oh, have you met Changkyun? He’s the high school senior I was telling you about. He decided to come here so I was planning to introduce him to the rest of the guys.”
In front of Hyungwon, Hoseok stands next to Changkyun and ruffles his hair with a soft affectionate look in his eyes. Is Changkyun Hoseok’s soulmate? Is he really the boy that Hoseok speaks about with stars in his eyes and honey on his lips?
Hyungwon gasps. “I knew that cake looked familiar!” Hyungwon remembers finding one slice, half-eaten already, of strawberry cake in the refrigerator that he helped himself to before Hyunwoo and Hoseok returned from the early morning run. Hoseok had gotten angry and refused to speak to him until he went out and bought another cake from the convenience store. Hyunwoo secretly loaned him some money because he had taken a few bites from it too earlier in the morning.
Hyungwon’s not sure why an uncomfortable feeling settles in his gut when he looks at Hoseok and Changkyun, arms touching as they walk down the sidewalk back to their apartments. He wonders if his feelings for Hoseok have yet to disappear because it makes no sense for him to feel jealous over a person he has met only once before and who can’t even remember his name properly.
It turns out that they don’t end up adopting four new kids into their little groups. Jooheon is returning to his apartment the same time that the three reach the building. He takes one look at Changkyun and he rushes over, pushing Hoseok aside, to hug Changkyun.
“Changkyunnie!” he squeals, squeezing the boy in his arms so tightly that Changkyun bends his head back and gasps for air.
“Jooheonie-hyung!” Changkyun returns, patting Jooheon’s back. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here. What are you doing here? Isn’t your apartment in the opposite direction?”
Changkyun nods his head back towards Hoseok. “Hoseok-hyung wanted me to meet his friends.”
Jooheon looks confused before bending slightly to look behind Changkyun. “Oh, I didn’t know you knew Hoseok-hyung. Hey, Hyungwon-hyung,” Jooheon greets as an afterthought.
“You know Changkyun, Jooheon?” Hoseok asks, perplexed.
Jooheon shrugs. “Yeah, he’s my high school dongsaeng. He was the one I was telling you guys about. How I was trying to convince him to come to school here.” He pauses. “Wait, how do you know Changkyun, Hoseok-hyung?”
“He’s the kid I was mentoring. I’ve told you guys about him too!” They stand in silence for a moment, letting the information sink in.
“Huh, small world,” Changkyun says.
And it turns out to be a smaller world when they arrive at Hoseok, Hyungwon, and Hyunwoo’s apartment and Hyunwoo greets Changkyun with a “are you lost again?” It’s an even smaller world when Kihyun and Minhyuk burst through the front door with groceries to see Changkyun sitting in front of the television with a bowl of instant ramen and Kihyun immediately scolds Changkyun on reflex for eating too much ramen while Minhyuk cuddles with him on the couch.
The bewildered look on Changkyun’s face is the perfect representation of what everyone feels when they realize that their respective kids that they adopted separately are actually just one kid. One extremely cute and lovable kid. It is to be expected that they immediately bring Changkyun into their little group and Changkyun says goodbye to his old roommates so that he can move in next door with Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Kihyun.
Changkyun fits right in, like a missing puzzle piece none of them realized they were missing. He’s a natural moodmaker, able to knock everyone to the floor in laughter with one well-timed comment. He’s a bit of a troublemaker, always playing pranks with Minhyuk, but no one can stay mad at him for long. On days when Kihyun feels like cooking, he’s there helping out like a well-trained child with his mother.
Hyungwon finds new things about Changkyun fascinating. Like how Changkyun is a composition major like Jooheon but he also minors in chemistry because he’s a mini genius (he faintly remembers Jooheon telling him of a dongsaeng who wanted to study science abroad and he is so happy that he kept those thoughts to himself). And Hyungwon thinks that another person would make everything so much louder, and he does but Changkyun is also quiet and introspective and Hyungwon finds a kindred soul in the way Minhyuk and Kihyun or Hoseok and Hyunwoo find counterparts in each other.
On days when the couples have their date nights, Changkyun joins Hyungwon and Hoseok on their ritual visits to the coffeeshop. He always orders an iced americano and Hyungwon memorizes his order as soon as he says it. They sit and they talk and Hyungwon thinks that if Minhyuk drew him in once, it does not compare to the magnetic pull that Changkyun has on Hyungwon. If Minhyuk was a lone light in the middle of the dark ocean waves, Changkyun is the lighthouse calling him home.
A part of him feels jealous that everyone else had found Changkyun before he has. It’s the part that wants to keep Changkyun wrapped up safe and warm away from the evils of the world. It’s the part that compels Hyungwon to reach out for Changkyun, to play with his fingers, to scratch the back of his neck, to hold his hand and it’s the part that thrills in satisfaction when Changkyun acquiesces to the skinship. It’s also the part that wants to check his wrist whenever he’s with Changkyun because he thinks that the feelings he has for the younger could be love.
But he doesn’t. He doesn’t because he knows he’s not looking for love and neither is Changkyun, at least in the way that Changkyun constantly wraps himself in hoodies and oversized sweaters even as the weather warms. Not in the way Changkyun never looks down at his wrist the way many are conditioned to do. Or maybe Changkyun has already found his soulmate, and that thought makes Hyungwon feel depressed so he tries not to think about it because he has no reason to feel that sad that Changkyun is not his. Hyungwon doesn’t check his wrist because if the needle on his compass does not point to Changkyun, he doesn’t know if he can withstand the heartbreak this time around. Hyungwon curses himself for falling in love too easily but never being able to give away his love in turn.
Hoseok takes Changkyun with him to LA the summer after he graduates college. He also takes Hyunwoo but Hyungwon chooses to focus on the fact that he took Changkyun. Is it because those two are soulmates? (Changkyun knows English, he tries to rationalize.) Why didn’t he offer Hyungwon to go with him? He knows Hyungwon wants to travel. (Hoseok did offer but Hyungwon slept through too many enrollment times and has to take summer classes to finish his requirements for graduation.)
Hyungwon is left alone in the apartment back in Seoul and the tiny cramped apartment becomes too big and empty when it’s absent of the most muscular men Hyungwon has ever met in his life. The fridge is the perfect representation of how empty the house is because Hyungwon isn’t like Hoseok who always insists on eating breakfast and snacks, or Hyunwoo who eats like a bear.
So he finds himself with no food and no roommates. Fortunately, the apartment next door has all those things. Not so fortunately, without Changkyun, the apartment’s cohabitants are even more annoying than they usually are. Hyungwon sits by the kitchen counter and complains as Kihyun cooks dinner. Not surprisingly, Kihyun only levels him with a judging glare and tells him to get over it in not as nice terms.
But Hyungwon and Kihyun have known each other for three years and while they are the basic definitions of exact opposites, they’ve learned each other’s habits and nuances. They’ve learned enough about each other to know when enough is enough. Kihyun may tell him to stop being a baby but he let’s Hyungwon eat and sleep over at their apartment when Hyungwon’s apartment starts to feel empty and Hyungwon starts to feel lonely. He goes over to Hyungwon’s place to wake him up for summer classes and takes Hyungwon with him on grocery trips when Minhyuk and Jooheon want to have couple time.
Hyungwon knows it’s because Kihyun is a little lonely too. His soulmate and two of the people he dotes on the most are halfway around the world. On days when Kihyun invites Hyungwon over after he’s already finished dinner, his lost and melancholy expression tells Hyungwon that Kihyun cooked for four only to realize that there were only three. In the quiet moments, when it’s just the two of them, Kihyun looks down at his compass and Hyungwon knows that times like these is when Kihyun misses Hyunwoo the most.
“The way we’re moping makes it seem like they’re going to be gone forever,” Hyungwon tries to joke.
Kihyun chuckles mirthlessly. “Yeah.” His finger absentmindedly traces the needle and he sighs.
“How is it like,” Hyungwon says quietly, breaking the comfortable silence that has settled over them, “finding your soulmate?” And Hyungwon doesn’t know why he asks, only knows that something inside him is desperate for love, the side that has been stamped down and kept buried under the thirst for adventure and cold logic.
Kihyun stares at him for a moment, but one long enough to make Hyungwon feel uncomfortable. “It’s nice,” he finally replies.
Hyungwon scrunches his nose and repeats. “Nice? Is that it?”
Kihyun breaks into a soft fond smile. “It’s nice, that’s the only way to describe it.” Hyungwon groans because where is the greasy Kihyun that can say all the right words to make your fingers and toes curl in embarrassment. Across from Hyungwon, Kihyun looks down at his compass and his expression tells Hyungwon what he already knows: it is love.
“I guess that’s… nice.”
“Why do you ask?” Kihyun asks, regarding Hyungwon with suspicion. “You said you weren’t looking for your soulmate anytime soon.”
“It’s just,” and Hyungwon doesn’t know how to explain it. He doesn’t know how to tell Kihyun that he craves adventure but he’s so scared of being lost, he’s so scared of not knowing where home is that the loneliness in his chest is an anchor weighing him down from finally being set free to explore the world. “It’s just something I was thinking about.”
He rubs at his compass through his clothes and a thought invades his head. He could look at his compass. Nothing is stopping him. Kihyun looks at him expectantly but Hyungwon only moves his hand away from his sleeve.
“Just… never mind,” he says.
Kihyun only regards him with quiet appraisal, like he’s trying to figure out what to say. “Finding your soulmate doesn't mean finding love. What’s stopping you?” And Hyungwon doesn’t know. He prides himself on being mature and he knows that he’s being irrational but he can’t shake off the fear of disappointment. He doesn't know if he can be like Hoseok and love someone who is not his soulmate. To Hyungwon, soulmates have always been endgame, the conclusion to perfect love stories. His thoughts stray to Changkyun and the twinge in his chest when he thinks of not loving Changkyun anymore feels like heartache.
Hyungwon leaves after dinner to his empty apartment and with no one around, in the dark under the moonlight, he pushes his sleeve up to expose his wrist. He holds his wrist up and for a moment he thinks about how he hasn’t done that in almost a year and the sensation of satisfaction, like an itch finally being scratched, spreads throughout his body. It almost feels forbidden and the fluttering in Hyungwon’s chest must be thrill.
He looks down and his compass points east.
Changkyun returns from LA and all is right with the world again. The three share the pictures they took in LA on the group chat and while most of them are Hoseok’s selcas, Hyungwon’s favorites are the candid shots of Changkyun with the big city as his background. He secretly saves those to his phone so that he can stare at them to his heart’s content.
Things don’t change much now that Hoseok and Hyunwoo have graduated except instead of university, they have jobs. Jobs that pay well enough that Hoseok can afford the expensive instant ramen brand instead of the shitty cheap version. This means that Changkyun is around more often to steal their food because Changkyun’s still only a college sophomore who subsists on a diet of instant ramen and the goodwill of his hyungs.
Hyungwon returns from class to find Changkyun watching music shows on the couch with a bowl of half-eaten ramen on the table in front of him. He is wrapped in an oversized hoodie that looks like Hoseok’s and he has big round glasses on his face that reflect the light from the television. Hyungwon snorts. The kid looks ridiculous.
“Oh hyung!” He says, looking surprised. “You’re back.” He pats the space next to him to tell Hyungwon to come sit. Hyungwon tosses his backpack on the kitchen table and plops next to the boy, throwing an arm over his shoulders. Changkyun sighs a little and snuggles in Hyungwon’s side and Hyungwon’s heart flip flops in his chest.
They watch a few more stages before Changkyun speaks up again. “Hyung, what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Hyungwon looks down to the boy tucked in his side and the answer he is about to say dries up in his mouth. He wants to say that he’s going to search for his soulmate because it’s something he’s wanted to do since he was a kid. And that he’s tired of heartbreak, that he wants something to be for sure just this once. But he doesn’t say any of that.
“Don’t know. I’ll probably travel a bit before getting a job. Take a gap year or something.” He shrugs nonchalantly and ignores how Changkyun buries himself a little deeper into Hyungwon’s side.
“Mm,” Changkyun hums. “Where would you want to travel?”
That, Hyungwon can answer honestly. He tells Changkyun of the places he’s dreamed of going since he was young and wanted nothing more to find his soulmate. He explains that traveling is his greatest life goal although he omits that finding his soulmate once used to be greater. By the time he finishes, Hoseok and Hyunwoo have returned from work, hands laden with food from the nearby restaurant. It smells like chicken and Hyungwon knows that Kihyun will be over within a matter of moments.
Kihyun is over within seconds after Hyunwoo and Hoseok set the food down on the table in front of the television, but Minhyuk and Jooheon also trail behind him. Hyungwon briefly wonders if they’ll have enough food for all of them but Hyunwoo only chuckles and pulls out one more box from his bag.
They manage to fit seven grown men onto their little couch without breaking it. Together, they sit and watch the latest episode the drama they’re currently obsessed with and the warmth by Hyungwon’s side feels a little warmer with everyone else around them. It feels like home, like family, and Hyungwon thinks he is content like this. There’s no need to stir the waters right now.
Kihyun is a traitor, Hyungwon bitterly thinks as he stands in the airport a few days after their graduation. He hopes that the glares he shoots from his eyes destroy the tiny backstabber.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Hyungwon blinks and looks at Changkyun.
“Just a little tired,” he replies. “You know, you travel a lot for someone your age,” he teases. “When I was your age, there was no such thing as planes and wifi.”
Changkyun scoffs but his smile is enough to make Hyungwon feel elated. “Sure old man. It’s why you and Hyunwoo-hyung are stuck in Korea.” It’s not the reason, Hyunwoo actually has to teach a dance workshop in Gwangju and Hyungwon hasn’t seen his family in a while so he’s tagging along. Changkyun walks off to Kihyun who has just finished saying his goodbyes to Hyunwoo. Together, he and Hyunwoo wave Changkyun and Kihyun off as they leave for the security check-in.
After a long bus ride, Hyunwoo greets Hyungwon’s parents with a bow and they go to bed in Hyungwon’s little room. For a moment, they lay in silence, staring at the ceiling. “Hey, hyung,” Hyungwon starts. Hyunwoo hums in response, sleepiness already starting to settle over him. “Do you wish you could have gone with Kihyun to Japan?”
Hyunwoo takes some time to answer and for a moment, Hyungwon thinks he’s fallen asleep. “If he asked, I would have wanted to but as long as he’s happy, so am I.” Hyunwoo leaves it at that and Hyungwon listens to his breathing become slow and even. He looks out the window and he wonders if Changkyun is looking at the same stars he is.
They’re having coffee after they return from Gwangju and they’re not really the type to talk much. Hyungwon watches as Hyunwoo absentmindedly rubs at his compass. He hesitates before asking, “Hyung, how did you know Kihyun was your soulmate?”
Hyunwoo looks at him quietly and Hyungwon is reminded of how Kihyun looked at Hyungwon when he asked something similar. “Why do you want to know?”
“Just… just something I was thinking about.”
He gets a hum in reply. It’s quiet for a little bit, Hyunwoo always one to think about his words carefully before speaking. “My compass pointed at him.”
Hyungwon groans because he should have known that Hyunwoo alway answers straightforwardly. “No, like, how did you know your compass was going to point at him?”
“I didn’t.” Hyunwoo stares at him a little pointedly before breaking into a small smile. Hyungwon pouts when he realizes that Hyunwoo has been messing with him. “I really didn’t know,” he says with a laugh. “It was just like this feeling of ‘I really want this person to be my soulmate’ came over me and it wasn’t something I had ever felt before.”
Hyungwon nods but doesn’t say anything. He sips at his coffee quietly, face contemplative.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hyunwoo offers, reaching to pat Hyungwon’s hand. Sometimes Hyungwon forgets that Hyunwoo is older and more mature than him and he doesn’t know why because Hyunwoo is always a steady presence in a world that keeps rushing forward.
He puts his coffee down and sighs. “I don’t know. I thought graduating made everything easier,” he groans. Hyunwoo laughs lightly and pats him on the shoulder. “What if I never find my soulmate, hyung?” Hyungwon asks, face still buried in his arms.
Hyunwoo hums contemplatively. “What’s stopping you from looking for them?”
“Nothing,” Hyungwon groans, feeling a little stupid but just wanting to whine. He looks up. “Isn’t that my drink?”
Hyunwoo looks at the drink he’s just finished. “Oh, I guess it is.” He places it back next to Hyungwon and Hyungwon flops his head back down in frustration.
“Thanks, hyung,” he mumbles out, voice muffled by his arms. He looks up only to see Hyunwoo with his wrist out tracing the needle that points east. “I guess Kihyun is enjoying Japan.”
Hyunwoo smiles softly as he moves his finger around the compass. “Yeah.”
“I wonder how Changkyun is doing. I miss him.” Hyungwon pouts a little at his empty coffee cup.
Hyunwoo looks at him for a moment and Hyungwon can’t tell what goes on in Hyunwoo’s head, his expressions always so neutral. “Hey, hold out your wrist.”
Hyungwon looks at Hyunwoo weirdly. “Why,” he asks as he holds out his wrist. Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything but takes his hand and pushes his sleeve up to reveal Hyungwon’s compass. He holds his own wrist next to Hyungwon’s. He gestures for Hyungwon to look at their wrists.
The needles point in the same direction. Hyunwoo grunts a little, like something he’s been thinking about is confirmed. “Hyung?”
Hyunwoo shakes his head. “You’ll find your soulmate when it’s the right time. You’ll figure it out,” is all he says before he gets up. “C’mon, let’s go. It’s almost time for our escape room appointment.”
“Wait, hyung, what’s that supposed to mean? Wait, wait, hyung! Are you making me throw out all the trash?!?” Hyunwoo only laughs and holds the door for Hyungwon as he scrambles to toss out their coffee cups and go after Hyunwoo.
It’s been five years in Seoul, three of which that he’s known Changkyun. He supposes he should have known this day would have come. He’s reminded of the second time that he met Changkyun, the chilly spring day almost perfectly matching today.
Changkyun stands across from him and he’s close enough that Hyungwon could reach out and touch him. “Hyungwon-hyung,” he breathes out and Hyungwon loves how his name sounds on Changkyun’s lips and in Changkyun’s voice. He could listen to Changkyun just saying his name over and over forever.
“Yeah?” He shouldn’t try to be casual but his heart flutters at how serious Changkyun sounds. Can it be?
“Hyungwon-hyung, I think I found my soulmate.” And those eight words cause Hyungwon’s world to crash around him.
“That’s great, Changkyun-ah!” He says, forcing his voice to not crack even though all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and cry. “I didn’t know you were looking for your soulmate,” he adds quietly, hoping it doesn’t sound rude.
Changkyun shakes his head. “I wasn’t. But I guess he just found me.” There’s a soft smile on Changkyun’s face and it makes Hyungwon want to cry because it’s so beautiful but it’s not for him and he doesn’t know if his heart could hurt more. It’s a he and it’s not Hyungwon and having that chance that Changkyun is his soulmate ripped away from him is one of the most painful things Hyungwon has ever felt.
He steels himself and tries to put on a smile for Changkyun because that's what you do when you love someone and he loves Changkyun and as long as Changkyun is happy, he tells himself that he will be too. “Who is it?”
The moment he sees Changkyun hesitate, his heart sinks. Does Changkyun not want him to know? “You don't know who it is?” And Changkyun looks devastated when he says this, like somehow Hyungwon is just supposed to know who Changkyun’s soulmate is.
He tries again. “Do I know him?” Changkyun nods to that and Hyungwon wants to cry but he doesn’t because he’s supposed to be happy for Changkyun. “That’s great, Changkyun-ah, that’s really great.” If his voice trails off at the end of his sentence, he’ll blame it on that he barely got any sleep last night (he slept for 10 hours).
Changkyun looks at Hyungwon for a moment, like he’s gauging his expression, like he's waiting for Hyungwon to say something, but he doesn’t say anything. He even looks a little disappointed at Hyungwon’s neutral expression so Hyungwon forces himself to smile even though his cheeks feel like they should be full of lead.
They walk back to their apartments in silence, only the soft patter of footsteps and the whistling wind as the backtrack. Hyungwon sneaks glances over at Changkyun, whose lower face is hidden by his scarf, and buries his own face into his oversized scarf. Changkyun has found his soulmate and it’s not Hyungwon. It’s someone Hyungwon knows but it can’t be anyone that has already found their soulmate.
“Hey Changkyun,” he casually starts.
Changkyun perks up. “Yes, hyung?”
“Your soulmate, do I know them well?”
Changkyun looks a little bewildered but he answers, “Yes, very well,” and leaves it at that.
Is it Hoseok, like Hyungwon had expected? Hyungwon imagines the two together inside his head and he almost cries at the near perfect picture because it’s Hoseok and not him in there.
“Hey Changkyun,” he says again, before they reach their separate apartments. “Is it-” he gets cut off.
“Goodbye hyung.” Changkyun closes the door behind him and Hyungwon is left to gape in an empty hallway. He moves to trudge to his door but the door behind him swings open and Changkyun peaks out. “Just… don’t think too much about it, hyung. Goodnight. Love you.” And the door slams shut.
Hyungwon latches onto those last two words like a lifeline. He walks back into his apartment in a daze only to see Hyunwoo and Hoseok eating at the table. One look at Hoseok automatically wipes the silly smile off his face because he remembers that Hoseok is Changkyun’s soulmate. Changkyun probably means he loves Hyungwon in the familial sense, the way Hyungwon loves the others. When Hoseok looks up, he forces a smile because it’s not Hoseok’s fault that the love of his life is Hoseok’s soulmate. He declines dinner (it’s fish anyways, not something he’s particularly keen on) and goes to his room.
In the solitude of his room, Hyungwon looks at his compass and it points next door to where Changkyun should be and Hyungwon wants to scream because it’s not fair. Why would fate give him this much hope only to take it away. He stares at his compass and watches as the needle moves slightly back and forth, as if his soulmate is nearby and walking around. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine that it points to Changkyun but when he does, he remembers that Changkyun and Hoseok are soulmates so his compass can’t be pointing to Changkyun.
He falls asleep like that, wrist held out and tears drying on his face.
But even pain cannot keep Hyungwon away from Changkyun. Hoseok and Changkyun don’t seem to intend on furthering their relationship until later, at least from what Hyungwon observes. Hoseok is a little clingier and Changkyun a little more acquiescing to his skinship but nothing much changes. For now, Hyungwon can hold on a little longer to Changkyun.
In the year after Hyungwon graduates, he really does travel. He doesn't want to be far away from Changkyun, not when time is so precariously short for them now that Changkyun has found his soulmate, but he needs to let go. He explores Japan and walks down the streets in the middle of spring when the cherry blossoms are blooming and everything is the prettiest shade of pink that reminds Hyungwon of love. He walks the night mall in Taiwan and tries their bubble tea, testing out all his years of learning Chinese. He even goes to America and roams the streets of LA.
But mostly, he thinks about Changkyun. In Japan, he pockets the petals and thinks that the color is the same shade as Changkyun’s cheeks when he blushes. He buys manga for Hoseok and looks for the fish bread that Kihyun recommended him when he went to Japan with Changkyun. Every picture he takes, he imagines Changkyun in the frame, smiling at him. When he's in LA, he visits every site that Hoseok, Hyunwoo, and Changkyun went and in his mind’s eye, he can see them standing on every corner, faces lit up with smiles.
Hyungwon starts looking at his compass again but he never gets that feeling of ‘I want this person to be my soulmate’, not anymore when the only person he wants as his soulmate already has one. His compass points towards Seoul every time he checks but it doesn't mean anything to him, or at least that's what he tells himself. Hope is an addiction and Hyungwon has to wean himself off of it.
He goes back to Seoul periodically because his soulmate is there and Hyungwon can't help but think that if he finds them, the pain in his chest from wanting Changkyun will go away. Only on days when he goes out with Changkyun does he never look at his compass. It doesn’t feel right to be so desperately looking for love in front of the person that he wants love from. They hold hands on chilly winter nights and Hyungwon can pretend that Changkyun is his and he is Changkyun’s, if only just for a moment.
Hyungwon tries really hard to seem okay, to not let the others know about his inner turmoil. He plays around with Hoseok and lets the bitter feelings inside him turn to dust because Hoseok has so much love that Hyungwon can never hate him. Sometimes, Kihyun and Hyunwoo will look at him with unreadable glances and Hyungwon wonders if that is a soulmate thing too, being on the same wave length and judging the same people.
But there are times when it gets too much, times when he'll see Changkyun and Hoseok together and all he wants to do is lock himself in his room and cry. He doesn't, he's gotten better at handling those emotions but they are still as intense and painful as they were a year ago. When it becomes too much, he buys a plane ticket and sets foot in a faraway country where distance and adventure are the only things that can soothe the pain.
Hyungwon is in Seoul for Jooheon’s graduation and they both get jobs in Seoul, Hyungwon as a translator and occasional choreographer or DJ when needed, Jooheon as a producer for an entertainment company as a recommendation by Hoseok. Minhyuk and Kihyun are teaching daycare and do freelance work in their spare time as well, and the only college student left is Changkyun.
This means that the others are often out working when Changkyun gets back from school. Sometimes they find him asleep at the table from long all-nighters, desk filled with papers. With no one around to monitor his diet, Changkyun goes back to instant ramen and too many americanos.
They only notice when winter break arrives and Kihyun and Minhyuk get a few weeks off. The first thing they notice is that Changkyun has lost weight. Already skinny and small, his clothes and eye bags look baggier and baggier. Kihyun calls an intervention and Operation: Fatten the Puppy begins. (They can thank Minhyuk for the name.)
It's really just an excuse to dote on Changkyun, who’s so used to being independent that he rarely asks for help, now that Hyungwon thinks about it. The others also take advantage of having more food around the house, fresh home-cooked meals from Kihyun, healthy snacks from Hoseok, and the expansive knowledge of every good restaurant in Korea from Hyunwoo. It becomes tradition to gather on the weekends for a ‘family’ dinner.
But Hyungwon takes the most advantage of it, making sure to stuff Changkyun full with treats and cuddle him until he falls asleep in Hyungwon’s arms. He’ll stay up at night and talk with Changkyun as he does his homework, remind him to sleep when it gets too late. They go out to eat and Hyungwon buys Changkyun coffee when he needs it. They discuss Gwangju together, their hometown that they share together and have made their marks in the same places there. He reminds himself that it's okay, that everyone else is doing it. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism because he should be getting over Changkyun, should be letting go, not holding on tighter but Hyungwon doesn't know why he can't.
Changkyun graduates four years after he meets Hyungwon. Before summer starts, he lands a job as a composer at the same company Hoseok and Jooheon work for, with their recommendation. Hyungwon walks to the bakery where he first met Changkyun and looks for a congratulations cake. On the walk home, cake in hand, he spots Changkyun sitting at the counter in the convenience store eating ramen and smiles. Some things really never change. He hides behind the tree and watches a little, not wanting to be caught with the surprise cake.
He’s so cute, Hyungwon thinks, watching Changkyun eat. His smile falters when Hoseok walks up behind Changkyun and wraps his arms around his waist, causing the boy to jump in surprise. He pulls something from somewhere and in the distance, Hyungwon can see it’s a cake from the same bakery. The way Changkyun’s face lights up is wonderful but he looks at the cake in his hand and wonders if it’s worth it anymore. Quietly, he heads back home, leaving the two to enjoy each other without any observers.
That night, barred in his room, he buys plane tickets to Hong Kong and packs his bags. He is very much surprised to see Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Hoseok waiting at the table with their own bags packed as he tries to sneak out to make his flight.
Hyungwon feels very judged, the way they look at him. “You know, Changkyunnie was really disappointed that you didn't congratulate him on getting his first job,” Kihyun says, tapping his fingers on his mug.
Hyungwon cringes. He didn't mean to hurt Changkyun. “I messaged him.”
“And that's enough,” is Minhyuk’s sarcastic reply.
“Look, I'm going to miss my flight,” Hyungwon tries, rushing past them.
“Don't worry about that.Your flight is delayed. Oh, and we’re going with you.” Hyungwon stares at Hoseok in disbelief, who only sips his coffee with faux innocence.
He narrows his eyes. “How did…?” The only answer he gets is an all-knowing smile.
Hyungwon sits with Hoseok on the flight and he thinks that if this had been five years ago, his heart would have raced. But now, looking at Hoseok only makes his heart hurt and he knows it is love because he’d rather withstand the pain than not feel it at all.
It turns out that Hoseok has contacts in Hong Kong, some composers that he has worked with before. They take them around to see the sights, the night market, Victoria’s peak, the night cruise, and Hyungwon admits that it was more than what Hyungwon could have done on his own.
He allows himself to enjoy it, wandering around Hong Kong with three of his closest friends. That is until he suggests they go on the huge Ferris wheel separately and instead, they corner him on one cart with a glint in their eyes. Hyungwon looks over at Hoseok worriedly, who looks like he's about to cry from even stepping just a little off the ground.
“What's going on?” He says wearily, on guard with one shaking Hoseok attached to his arm.
“What's going on with you?” Minhyuk asks in turn. “Why do you keep running away from your problems?”
Hyungwon protests but Kihyun cuts him off. “You are. I don't know what's your deal with Changkyun but you have to stop leading him on. You can't keep hurting him like this.”
Hyungwon’s blood runs cold. “What do you mean leading him on.”
Kihyun almost explodes in frustration, ever so quick to anger. “Leading him on! You know what it means!”
Hyungwon shrinks back a little, careful to avoid the pure fire of rage surrounding Kihyun. “How have I been leading him on?”
Minhyuk answers this time, thinly veiled anger evident in his voice. “You make him happy, you do skinship with him and buy him things, you act like you're in love with him and get his hopes up, then you run away and make him feel like shit. Do you know how many times I've found him looking at his phone waiting for you to call, how many excuses he's made for you every time you leave him hanging? Stop pretending like you love him and stop pulling this shit.”
“I am in love with him!” Hyungwon bursts out because there is no doubts to his feelings, the pain is always fresh, and it should feel good, letting that burden go, finally admitting it out loud. But it doesn't. The only thing that follows is silence and crushing guilt as the three remaining occupants in the car stare at him.
Hoseok’s grip on his arm tightens. “What?” he says faintly.
Hyungwon turns miserably to Hoseok. “I'm so sorry, hyung.” His eyes water as he bends his head down towards Hoseok. “I know Changkyun is your soulmate so I'm trying my best to stay away.” He looks over at Kihyun and Minhyuk and the tears in his eyes blur his vision. “I didn't mean to hurt Changkyun. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I'll fix it, I promise.”
And Hyungwon feels like a child, crying so easily. He's not an emotional person but he's held this inside him for two years and the burden only gets heavier. Knowing that he's hurt Changkyun in the process makes it worse. Hoseok let's go of his arm and rubs gentle thumbs over his face. Hyungwon sniffs, moving to wipe the tears away himself.
“Hyungwon,” Hoseok says, reaching to wipe the remaining tears off of Hyungwon’s face. His smile is sad and a little pained and Hyungwon feels like crying again because he’s made Hoseok feel like this. Hoseok who deserves the world and the stars and not whatever Hyungwon has done to him.
“Hyungwon,” Hoseok repeats, a little more forcefully, bringing Hyungwon to look straight at him. “Changkyun is not my soulmate.”
It’s like an ocean’s roar in Hyungwon’s head. “What?” he says, in disbelief. It makes no sense, of course Hoseok is Changkyun’s soulmate. They fit so well together, why would Hyungwon have any reason not to believe it.
“Changkyun,” Hoseok repeats carefully, “he's not my soulmate. I didn't even know he found his.” He drops his head and looks down at his lap.
“But he told me he found his soulmate,” Hyungwon says, in a daze. He's never felt more out of touch of reality than he does now. “He said it was someone I knew well, a guy… it has to be you!” And when Hyungwon says it out loud, it makes him feel a little stupid.
Hoseok smiles wryly. “I wish I was. I checked my compass, you know? Hoping it would point to him.” He holds out his wrist, compass staring straight up so everyone can see. “But it doesn't.”
Hyungwon doesn’t get it at first, Hoseok’s compass points northeast, where Hyungwon presumes Seoul should be. But Minhyuk and Kihyun show their wrists too, put them side by side Hoseok’s and theirs point northeast, just different enough from Hoseok’s to make a notable difference. Hyungwon is a little dizzy because how can Hoseok’s compass not point towards Seoul where Changkyun is.
He’s frozen in place, in quiet disbelief. Minhyuk gently reaches over and pulls Hyungwon’s wrist with the others, pushing the sleeve up to reveal his compass. His points in the same direction as Minhyuk’s and Kihyun’s. To Seoul.
Hyungwon flinches back. It can’t be. “Maybe Changkyun went back to Gwangju,” he tries to justify. And he knows he’s being irrational, knows that it makes sense, that Changkyun is his soulmate. All the signs are there. How Changkyun lived outside of Korea when he was younger, how he went to the same elementary school as Hyungwon and attended the same dance academy, how Hyungwon’s compass tells him his soulmate is in Seoul the same time Changkyun is there. But he’s spent too many years thinking it’s unrequited love, too many years in self-penitentiary, too many years of I can’t, I won’t, I shouldn’t, that he can’t think straight anymore.
Kihyun looks almost pitying. “He’s still in Seoul. Remember? His first day of work was today.”
And there’s no more excuses. Hyungwon feels the tears stinging in his eyes, feels them well in the corners and threaten to fall. His breaths seem heavier than they should be, like he has to pull them out of his lungs himself. He should be elated that Changkyun is his soulmate. Why does it feel so wrong?
“Hey,” Hoseok soothes, rubbing Hyungwon’s shoulder carefully. “Calm down. Come on, deep breaths.”
It takes a moment and by then, the Ferris wheel returns to the ground. Hoseok helps Hyungwon get off but both their legs are a little shaky, from fear of the height and too much emotion respectively. Minhyuk and Kihyun go on both sides and help them off and they exit the Ferris wheel like that, holding on to each other.
When Hyungwon is finally able to speak again, when he’s finally gathered his thoughts, they’re sitting at an outside restaurant, Kihyun and Minhyuk gone to buy snacks. “Hyung,” he says, tightening his grip on Hoseok’s hand, “what if he’s not my soulmate?”
Hoseok takes his other hand and pats Hyungwon’s hand that is squeezing his. “Then he’s not your soulmate,” he says bluntly. Hyungwon flinches back a little but Hoseok only chuckles softly. “But what if he is?”
And Hyungwon answers “Then he is,” and the world makes sense again. He even feels a little stupid, needing it to be spelled out for him like a child. But Hyungwon’s always thought too much, always has more words to say than he needs.
“Thanks hyung,” is what he decides on saying.
Contrary to popular belief, Hyungwon doesn’t call Changkyun as soon as he lands back in Seoul. Instead, Hyunwoo, Jooheon, and Changkyun are there at the airport waiting to greet him and when Hyungwon finally gets his arms around Changkyun, smells the herbal shampoo in his hair to protect the color, he forgets that he needs to confront Changkyun about the soulmate issue. But he’s waited this long, he can wait a little longer until the timing is right. After all, they say that soulmates find each other when the time is right.
Hyungwon looks down at his watch and stares nervously. He told Changkyun to meet him at the bakery where they first met. In front of him is a cake (similar to the one he bought Changkyun to congratulate him for getting his first job) and americano from Changkyun’s favorite coffeeshop. The bakery isn’t too crowded today, just a trickle of people in and out. Some children come in with their parents and ooh and ahh at the delicately decorated pastries on display. Hyungwon smiles. It’s perfect.
Changkyun is late. Or at least that’s what the time tells him. It’s becoming a little less perfect now and Hyungwon thinks about ditching the plan when his phone dings! with a message.
Sorry I’m late! I’m almost there!
Hyungwon looks down at his watch where it settles a little above his compass and turns his wrist over and watches as his compass slowly moves until is pointing directly at the door. The bell on the door chimes. Hyungwon looks up.
It’s not Changkyun.
A girl walks in and Hyungwon’s compass points straight at her. Hyungwon’s heart sinks. She’s pretty, tall and modelesque, someone who seems sensible and wise and Hyungwon wonders if he is okay with her being his soulmate. She’s his ideal type down to the letter. He’s not. She’s not looking at him, instead choosing to stand in front of him and look at the drink menu on display in the bakery.
He sighs, a little frustrated, a little pitiful. The small voice in the back of his head tells him that if this is his soulmate, he should stand up and go for it. It’s the only way to get over Changkyun. It’s the same voice that has berated Hyungwon for so long for loving Changkyun.
He remains sitting, frozen in place. The girl doesn’t even notice him and he wonders if he’d be happier just never meeting his soulmate and pining after Changkyun. The way his heart falls in disappointment that more he looks at her tells him that he would.
A soft deep voice breaks him from his thoughts. “Excuse me,” followed by a cough and Changkyun emerges from behind the girl and stands in front of him. The girl moves towards the displays and Hyungwon’s eyes follow her for a moment. Changkyun coughs and like Pavlov’s bell, Hyungwon turns to him.
Changkyun smiles and Hyungwon falls in love all over again. Hyungwon almost forgets to check his compass, too enraptured by Changkyun. But before he can, Changkyun takes a seat and asks, “Hyungwon-hyung, you wanted to see me?”
“Yeah,” he croaks out. He coughs a little to clear his throat and eases his sleeve down his arm. “Changkyun, I think I found my soulmate.”
Changkyun’s facial expression doesn’t change but Hyungwon has known Changkyun for over four years and counting and the way his body tenses tells him that Changkyun is nervous. Why, he’s not sure but he has his suspicions.
“Who is it, hyung?” Changkyun asks softly. “Do I know them?” And Hyungwon is reminded of that conversation two years ago when Changkyun confided in him that he had found his soulmate. He wonders briefly if Changkyun had been waiting for Hyungwon to confirm it for him and when he didn’t, that it felt like the rug was pulled under his feet. When he believed he was one of the rare cases of mismatched soulmates, that maybe Hyungwon wasn’t his soulmate even when his compass always pointed at Hyungwon.
“Yeah, you do.” Changkyun’s face falls just the slightest and his eyes dull a little. It hurts Hyungwon more than anything in the world. Watching Changkyun try to put on a brave smile and he wonders if Changkyun has loved him as much as he has loved Changkyun all this time.
“That’s great, hyung!” And Hyungwon can hear the false enthusiasm, can hear the exact same emotions that he went through with Changkyun two years ago.
“Hey, hold out your wrist for me.” Changkyun looks at him suspiciously and before he can ask why, Hyungwon says, “Just do it.”
He holds out his right wrist and Hyungwon frowns. “No, the other wrist.” Changkyun puts his arm down and places his left wrist on the table. His jacket sleeve covers where his compass should be.
“Hyung, why?”
Hyungwon doesn’t say anything, only lays his right wrist down next to Changkyun’s. Without a word, he pulls back his sleeve and his compass needle points directly towards Changkyun.
His heart sings in relief. Changkyun is his soulmate. He could emphasize any word in that sentence and it would still sound like music to his ears, it would still be perfect. Changkyun is his soulmate.
Across from him, Changkyun is frozen. “Hyung, what…” he trails off, looking at the compass that points directly at him like he can’t believe it. Hyungwon doesn’t blame him, he must have thought that all this time that Hyungwon’s soulmate was not him. Hyungwon is gentle when he pushes the sleeve up Changkyun’s arm and reveals Changkyun’s compass that points directly at Hyungwon.
“You know that soulmate I found,” he says quietly as Changkyun looks down at the two of their wrists in silence, “I think it’s you.”
It’s perfect proof and Hyungwon knows that Changkyun is partially a scientist at heart. It’s undeniable at this point. “Hyungwon-” Changkyun says before he chokes. He brings his other hand to rub at his eyes and he sniffles.
“Hey, don’t cry. I got you a cake and your favorite drink and this doesn’t have to mean anything more if you don’t want it to,” Hyungwon tells Changkyun, laying his hands over the boy’s, even though the voice inside his head screams that he shouldn’t ever let go of Changkyun.
“I do,” Changkyun stammers out, wiping away a tear. “I do want it to mean something.”
“Then why are you crying?” Hyungwon says, a little lost. Because Changkyun is beautiful when he cries but it’s also the ugliest thing in the world because Changkyun deserves nothing but smiles and happiness.
“I’m just really happy,” he manages to say. Hyungwon leans over and wipes the last few tears off Changkyun’s face. He’s so close that if he leans in a little closer, he would be able to taste Changkyun’s lips. But he doesn’t.
He leans back and smiles when Changkyun sighs a little. “Hey, let’s go home. We can finish that drama we started last week.”
Changkyun’s answering smile is enough to make Hyungwon’s heart skip a beat. They hold hands on the way back, sleeves pulled up, Changkyun’s left hand in his right hand and their compasses always point at each other. Changkyun pulls him along and Hyungwon never let’s go, satisfied to see their compasses together like that.
It’s perfect, Hyungwon thinks. In the quiet of Hyungwon’s apartment, a cheesy drama playing in the background, dressed in oversized sweaters and still holding hands, Changkyun and Hyungwon share their first kiss. It’s soft and gentle, a chaste first kiss that promises for many more to come. In the faint light from the television, Hyungwon can see the rosy blush that spreads across Changkyun’s face and he thinks of the Japanese cherry blossoms and decides that Changkyun is so much prettier.
Hyungwon wonders if he had been a little less stupid, a little more open to chance and heartbreak, if he could have had this earlier. He decides that yes, it is possible, but they’ve grown and learned to love each other without the promise of forever. He’s found home, not just in Changkyun, but in the little family they’ve built together in Seoul. And Hyungwon thinks that it was always just a matter of time. After all, soulmates always find each other. It’s all just a matter of timing.
“Changkyun!” Hyungwon calls out. The apartment is silent. Hyungwon smiles and pulls his sleeve up to follow his compass. He finds Changkyun sleeping on their bed, absolutely peaceful and he doesn’t want to disturb his rest, knowing that the composer likely pulled another all-nighter working on his songs.
For a moment, he stares at the sleeping boy, hair messily spread across his pillow. His sleeping shorts are ridden up a little and the soft pinch marks on his thighs tells Hyungwon that Changkyun stayed up late to finish. Even in his sleep, with drool running down the side of his cheek and staining his stuffed animal, Hyungwon finds Changkyun overwhelmingly cute. Quietly, he changes into more comfortable clothes and settles next to Changkyun. Slowly, he picks up Changkyun’s arm and presses kisses to his hand, to his compass, and keeps going until he looks up and Changkyun is sleepily blinking at him with an amused smile.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hey,” Changkyun says fondly before yawning. “You found me.”
Hyungwon grins. “I always do.”
Changkyun chuckles and rolls over a little so that he’s facing Hyungwon better. Hyungwon bends down and leaves soft kisses all over Changkyun’s face, making him giggle. It makes Hyungwon’s heart flutter, no matter how many times he hears it.
“I love you, you know that?” he whispers.
“Mm,” Changkyun hums, eyes already starting to droop again. “And I love you too.”
“That’s good.” He sits there and watches Changkyun’s breathing even out once again. He’s still holding Changkyun’s left hand in his own and their fingers are intertwined. Carefully, Hyungwon pulls out the ring and slips it on Changkyun’s ring finger. Changkyun stirs but doesn’t wake up. Hyungwon looks at their intertwined hands, the metal band glinting perfectly in the sunlight and compasses pointed directly at each other. And Hyungwon knows this is love.