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“Um, do you have it?” Carlos tries not to fidget too hard. He’s in the girls’ room. The pink hues and frilly edges on everything make him nauseous.
“Yes, it’s right here.” Mal holds out her hand and Carlos glances at the small pink thing in her palm.
“Are you sure it’ll work? It’ll make me tell Jane how I really feel about her?” Carlos asks. He’s so nervous that his tick from the isle has returned. Behind his back, his fingers twitch and scratch at his palms. He needs to do something with his hands or he thinks he’s going to burst.
“Yea, I mean, it’s a truth gummy. So, take it or leave it,” she says. Her face is void of emotion. Actually, Mal appears to be pale. Paler than normal, he should say.
Dude lets out a small grumble from the bed as Carlos snatches the gummy out of her hand. “Thanks, I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest, but I’ve been too nervous.”
“Hmm,” Mal says idly.
“Well, thanks” Carlos says again as he closes his laptop. Mal glares at the window, and Carlos follows suit. He sees Jane below, her face buried in her tablet as she stresses over royal arrangements. “I guess this is it.”
He takes a deep breath and wills himself to move his feet. Slowly, he makes his way down the spiraled staircase and through the doors of the dorm. The sun is bright and the day is beautiful, just like every other day in Auradon. Now that he thinks about, Carlos can’t remember ever being soaked by rain or covered by a blanket of clouds. It’s odd, he thinks, but he doesn’t have enough room in his mind to question it right now.
Carlos can feel his heart beating too rapidly in his chest and it hurts. He’s getting that weird sensation when the anxiety is becoming too much and everything seems like it’ll crash around him. But he wants-no, needs to do this. Carlos has been holding onto these feelings for months, and they’re still just as confusing as the first day he allowed himself to dwell on them. Something inside of him gravitates towards Jane. Like a magnet. Carlos pops the gummy into his mouth and chews. He definitely has to make it up to Mal later, the strawberry flavor is amazing.
With each step towards the blue-eyed girl, Carlos can feel his nerves actually seeping out of his body. It’s a thrill he never feels. She’s wearing her usual attire, a baby blue cardigan and a pencil skirt, but she let her hair grow out. Her brown waves are pinned delicately to the side of her face and a white headband with a decorative peony rest atop her head.
He’s stood directly in front of her now, and there is not a single nerve left in his body. His brain is muddled, but he clears his throat before he can back out of this.
Jane’s head snaps up and her grip on her tablet tightens.
“Sorry,” Carlos says. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.” He gives her a gentle smile, taking pride when the faintest flush paints her cheeks.
“Oh, hello, Carlos. Did you need help with anything? I’m a bit busy right now, but I can make some time.” She smiles back at him, her teeth are dazzlingly white. A perk that comes with being such an important member of Auradon.
“Yeah, actually. I was wondering if we could talk for a moment? I’ve got something important to tell you.” Carlos has never heard himself speak like this. It feels odd. But he knows the magic is working. If he hadn’t taken the gummy, he’d be a sweating, stuttering blob of anxiety right now.
Jane’s expression is confused, but she nods reassuringly. “Of course, would you like to sit?” She waves her hand at the bench that is conveniently behind them. They sit. Carlos takes a moment to admire the delicate yellow roses that dot the bushes around them. Auradon really is a gorgeous place.
“What is it you’d like to talk about?” Jane asks. Carlos watches her hands and catches a slight twitch in them. She’s nervous. He almost wants to laugh, but he suppresses it.
In a bold move, Carlos slips his hand into hers. Her palm is warm, a little sweaty. Carlos doesn’t mind. To his surprise, she doesn’t pull away.
“Well, how do I start? I have many things I’d like to say, but there’s one that’s most important.”
Carlos doesn’t actually know what he’s going to say. It’s like his mouth is forming words faster than his brain is comprehending them. The magic is potent, frighteningly so.
“I wanted to tell you that I have feelings for you, romantic,” he says.
The flush in her cheeks grows stronger, stretching down to her neck. “Oh-“ she begins, but Carlos, apparently, is not finished.
“But, that would be a lie.” He can hear himself talking, but his brain is off. It’s like his thought process has just stopped. He can’t even feel nervous anymore, he just feels numb. He’s scared, to face the truth, the reality of his feelings. Because even he doesn’t know exactly what they are. This was a horrid idea, and he’d known it all along, but here he was, about to say something to Jane that could possibly ruin his life. Yet he can’t even control it.
“Wh- what?” Jane murmurs. She doesn’t look hurt, just completely uncertain.
“My feelings are very confusing,” he tells her. “And I wasn’t even sure what they were, but I’m here to tell you them in all honesty. And my feelings are telling me that I wanted to strike up a relationship with you because I wanted to feel normal. Since we arrived to Auradon, I immediately realized that my… nature isn’t really accepted here.”
What? What did that mean? Gods, Carlos wishes he could shut up.
“Um, I don’t understand,” she says nervously.
Ditto, he thinks. “Here it seems like everyone dates everyone to make each other look better. Is it really about love? Mal and Ben were lucky. But deep down, I’ve been repressing my emotions, because I wanted to fit in. Is it even acceptable to have feelings for my guy friends? I don’t know! There’s no expression of anything other than a boy and a girl loving each other here. And I just feel so damn confused by everything. I think I loved you,” Carlos makes airquotes with his fingers, ”in an attempt to feel like I wasn’t a complete outcast. “
Oh my Gods. If he could feel nervous, Carlos imagines that his heart would literally burst out of his body and land directly in front of him. But he can’t, and it won’t.
“But I don’t love you. I loved the idea of you. I just want to be perfect, to fit in here with my friends. I have good grades, good friends, and I hoped to complete that perfect image by having a good girlfriend. But that’s not who I am—not what I want.”
“Then, what do you want?” Jane asks. She doesn’t berate him or anything, only squeezes his hand. He imagines that would’ve calmed him down if he hadn’t taken the gummy.
“I want—I… ugh. I want a boyfriend. I want my bestfriend. I’ve been so fucking in love with Jay, ever since Mal made me throw that stupid party back on the isle and it’s hurting me to see him fit in so well and have any girl he wants. I want him to want me, but he won’t” Carlos says.
And in that moment, it truly hits him. Every memory he has of Jay comes rushing to the surface, like a broken water seal. If he continues, the flood gates will burst and he will be left with even more conflicting thoughts. But it isn’t over, the magic is still working.
“It’s different on the isle. Honestly, everyone is a little curious there. But here, everything is so cookie cutter perfect, and I’m not meant for that. We’re not meant for that.”
“Carlos,” Jane rests a hand on his cheek. It’s soft, and the look on her face is one of understanding. “I get it, completely. Homosexuality isn’t taboo here, it’s just wildly uncommon.”
Hearing that word come out of her mouth is like a slap in the face for him. He never really had the chance to come to terms with his sexuality, mostly because his mind was occupied with other things. But this feels right.
“And, believe me, I know exactly how it feels to want your best friend. I’ve pined over Audrey for as long as I can remember. I used to think it was just a massive friend crush, but I was so, so wrong. It’s hard, especially when you know you have no chance. But all you can do is try. I’ve seen the way Jay looks at you and I think he’s just as confused as you are.”
“What?”
Jane laughs. Her hand falls from his face and her expression turns serious. “Jay is oblivious. If you want something, you’ll have to make the first move. You’ll never know if you don’t try. And it won’t be the end of the world if he doesn’t return your interest. I’ve had my eyes on several boys and girls here, and they’re finally coming around.”
Carlos is truly stunned. In a million years, he would not have imagined that the perfect little daughter of the fairy godmother is openly bisexual. But he likes it, and it makes a confidence rise within him.
“Besides, I think you might enjoy what Jay will say in response,” she says cryptically.
“Huh,” he says.
She laughs again and rises from the bench. She offers her hand and Carlos takes it as he pulls himself up.
“Word gets around in Auradon” she tells him.
“Is that so?” he says. And he sees Jay heading towards the dorms. This time, it’s like his heart has expelled through the magic effects. He can feel everything. The nerves, excitement, and fear. Everything. It’s a good feeling.
“Go get ‘em, tiger” Jane prompts with a pat on his back.
Carlos looks at her, really looks at her then. She’s beautiful, but in a sisterly way. His feelings for Jane are like his feelings for Mal and Evie. Protection, friendship, and happiness. But his feelings towards Jay are different now, and he understands that.
With a deep breath and a smile, Carlos jogs up to Jay’s side. With a newfound confidence and a flirty grin, he places a hand on Jay’s shoulder. “Hey, dude, can we talk?”