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Luke wants to die.
And there's nothing Ashton can do to stop him. He's his best friend, it's not like he wants this, but there's nothing that will change Luke's mind. At first, Ashton tried to be supportive. He told him, tears gathering and threatening to spill, that it's okay, that he understands. But soon he was sobbing, Luke watching and standing emotionless before him as Ashton begged and pleaded for Luke not to do that to himself. "It'll get better," Ashton had said. "I promise."
But Luke told him not to worry. "I'm not going to do it now," he'd said to Ashton. "But one day I will, and I just wanted you to know."
Choked sobs escaped Ashton's throat and hot ugly tears ran down his cheeks. Luke stood watching and it seemed he'd finally cracked. He bent down to where Ashton was on the floor and stroked his wet cheek. "I'm sorry I said anything," he whispered. "Forget this happened."
That was almost two months ago, and of course Ashton hasn't forgotten. He's living on the edge, constantly with Luke because he never knows when their last day together will be.
But Ashton doesn't blame Luke for what he wants. Luke's been messed up for a long time now, he's had shit thrown at him since he was a kid, abusive parents and violent boyfriends, Ashton assumes he's just had enough. Ashton is his only friend and the only person Luke cares enough about to tell him that he's going to kill himself.
"I don't want you to feel guilty, or for you to think it was your fault," Luke had said that night.
And Ashton thought about it. He thought that the guilt he might feel from not knowing would be better than how he feels from actually knowing. He doesn't say that to Luke.
They're together in Ashton's room, laying in silence with all the lights out. It's dark, so dark, Ashton can just about make out the silhouette of the boy beside him. He reaches out, puts his hand on Luke's skin where his t-shirt has ridden up at the side. It's warm, and Ashton can't help but wonder how much longer that'll be for.
His body is a galaxy and Ashton lays his hand flat against Luke's skinny stomach. He feels along, pushing up the material of Luke's shirt as he goes, he can feel some raised freckles, little stars on his skin, and traces the patterns they make, the constellations. Ashton drags his fingers over Luke's xylophone ribcage, pressing down in every gap between each individual bone, and Luke stays still, barely makes a sound. Ashton continues to feel the shape of his bones, getting to know Luke in a way he never managed before, a final attempt at reinforcing the memory of his hologram best friend, when he gets to his heart. He stops, his hand flat. The beat is a full thud, heavy and consistent. Ashton holds his hand there, feeling the reminder of Luke and the fact he's still there and he relishes in that, he doesn't know how long he stays there until he's ripped from the reverie with Luke's ugly words crawling slowly through his ear drum.
"I think it's time to go."
And suddenly the heartbeat feels like a betrayal and Ashton withdraws his fingers like he touched something scouring, feeling like he's swallowed a tonne of gravel but he nods anyway. It's time for Luke to go.
The house is asleep and the world is quiet as they tiptoe downstairs and Luke says goodbye to Ashton on his doorstep.
Ashton gives him a hug, blinks back tears and tells Luke he loves him. Luke blinks and nods. He doesn't say it back. Ashton feels like he's had his insides ripped out and Luke stands there, looking at Ashton before finally saying "I'm going to miss you," then slipping off into the night.
Ashton can't bear to look away, not yet, follows him right to the end of the street and watches as Luke continues on, not even turning back.
Ashton shuts the door and goes back inside. He never sees Luke again.