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Forget How to Feel

Summary:

Hux grew up being told that feeling emotions was weak and shameful. If he ever wanted to be successful he would need to dispel them or use Sinaffec, a drug that mutes emotions. Now Hux has been appointed General of the First Order and relocated to Starkiller Base. It has been years since he needed Sinaffec to control his emotions but that changes when Snoke's apprentice, Kylo Ren, arrives.

Ren seems capable of invoking every emotion in Hux - first irritation but then other, deeper emotions Hux refuses to acknowledge. But when Ren starts talking about soul mates and force bonds, Hux can only deny his feelings for so long until his must make a choice: take Sinaffec indefinitely or surrender to his emotions and see where they lead him.

Notes:

Note #1: In Latin, "Sine affectu" can translate to "without feeling". Therefore the drug used in this story that Hux uses to stop feeling emotions is named "Sinaffec".

Note #2: Please note that this story is set before, during, and after the events of Episode VII.

Note #3: Regarding the "Emotional/Psychological Abuse" tag. This primarily is included because of Brendol, mentions of Hux's past at school, and the general societal pressures shaming emotions. Kylo IS an ass at first but I don't think it falls in the realm of "abuse". Regardless, I'd rather be safe and tag it than have someone get blindsided.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"How do you feel, General?"

 

A test, even now? Hux would've sneered if doing so didn't equal failure. Instead he kept his face blank, but clenched his teeth behind tight lips. "I anticipate numerous successes in my new role."

 

"Good." His father stood tall in front of Hux, hands clasped behind his back. Subtly Hux remembered to mimic his father's military stance, pulling his shoulders back slightly behind his new uniform and greatcoat. "You will do well to remember the legacy your name bears. I will not tolerate having it sullied."

 

"It won't be."

 

"I do not want a repeat of your fumbling at Arkanis Academy," Brendol told his son, eyes cold.

 

"I was twelve," Hux defended.

 

"Armitage."

 

Hux swallowed his huff – barely – at the use of his first name. "There will be no repeat."

 

"There better not be." Behind Brendol was a large metal door and beyond that, the hangar bay where Hux could hear what was undoubtedly his aircraft powering up in preparation to take him to Starkiller Base where he would take up command. Brendol heard it too, no doubt, but didn't move out of his son's path. "The First Order has already appointed you to this prestigious position in the designation ceremony. You will be answering only to Supreme Leader Snoke."

 

"I know all this," Hux pointed out, struggling to keep his voice even.

 

"I hope you understand the gravitas of this. I will be leaving on my own mission tomorrow to the Unknown Regions. Which means," Brendol unclasped his hands and crossed his arms over his chest instead, "that I won't be here to clean up any messes."

 

"I haven't had a slip since I was twelve," Hux pointed out again. "That will not change."

 

"See that it doesn’t." At last Brendol seemed satisfied that Hux had understood his warnings, and was ready to move on. "Now I must be going and your shuttle is scheduled to leave in seven minutes," Brendol said as he checked the time piece he pulled from his pocket. Hux began walking past his father towards the door but tensed when Brendol's hand gripped his shoulder – tight – in passing. "And for your sake, Armitage, don't kriff this up."

 

With a dismissing nudge, Hux was propelled closer to the door while Brendol walked in the opposite direction down the hallway and out of sight. Briefly alone, Hux took the opportunity to smooth out the wrinkles worked into the fabric of his uniform and then gave an indignant sniff. "Prick," he muttered to no one but himself and then walked out into the hangar bay.

 

He saw the flight captain looking around frantically and then giving a squawk when he saw Hux approaching. "We've been looking everywhere for you!" he motioned Hux closer, and looked increasingly frazzled when Hux didn't speed up his pace. "The shuttle is scheduled to leave in five minutes!"

 

"Calm yourself," Hux ordered as he drew level with the man. "If you are considered adequate enough by the First Order to fly me to my new post then I can only assume you have already completed all of the pre-flight safety checks and procedures."

 

"I—well—yes, sir, but—"

 

"Then all that's left to be done is for us to get on board, the door to be closed and sealed, and for you to radio in for permission to take off, yes?" Hux spoke over the stuttering pilot.

 

"Y-yes, sir," the man bobbed his head.

 

"Very well then," Hux said and started walking up the loading ramp. "Let's be prompt."

 

The pilot rushed in behind Hux and closed the shuttle door securely. The pilot headed in the direction of the cockpit while the co-pilot greeted Hux at the door and directed him to the suite Hux would call his own during the two day journey. Hux dismissed the co-pilot to rejoin her counterpart in the cockpit and then looked around his temporary living quarters. There was a sitting room/office mix, a small bedroom and a smaller refresher for his personal use. There would be a small eatery located somewhere else on the ship but Hux's meals would be brought to him if he preferred some time to himself before their arrival – which he did.

 

There weren't many personal effects Hux felt he needed to bring along; it had all fit in one moving crate. A much larger suite would be awaiting him at his new base, which would already be stocked with standard issue uniforms, toiletries and furniture. All that was left to bring were a few holo-records from the Academy and other sources filled with tactical information and strategies, some spare clothes for the rare occasions of lounging, and an antique chessboard whittled from a long-extinct tree back on his home world of Arkanis.

 

All of that was packed away safely in the cargo hold. It would be delivered directly to his new rooms once they arrived at Starkiller Base. However, Hux did have one small travel bag which he found set on the desk in his room so that he could have easy access to its contents. As he felt the shuttle power up and lift off beneath his feet, Hux walked over to the desk and opened it with a password to ensure nothing was amiss.

 

He pulled out a set of sleeping clothes for the trip, having only been granted one set of his new General uniform until he arrived at the base. Next Hux pulled out one holo-record, for reading if he got bored, and a datapad loaded with briefings of information he would need to know about the base he was about to run. Then there were some toiletries in case he was unimpressed with what was provided on this shuttle, and the standard issue pistol he had been bestowed during his appointment as General. It was programmed to respond and fire only to his fingerprint. Lastly, half-forgotten at the bottom of the bag, a bottle of pills: Sinaffec.

 

Hux sighed through his nose and returned everything to the bag except for the datapad, burying the pill bottle once more. They weren't needed, nor had they been needed for a long time. Not since his mother's death seven years ago, to be precise, and even then Hux had only needed two pills to dampen the grief. Hux's father had always blamed Hux's emotions on the genes of his mother. True, she had been an emotional and affectionate woman. But Hux knew his father's warning this afternoon was born from fear, Brendol just as guilty of masking rather than banishing some of the stronger emotions in his psyche.

 

Ever since Hux was a child his father had been determined to have a successor of his military career. He had enrolled Hux in Arkanis Academy at the earliest acceptable age – ten – and Hux's lessons had begun. He was taught everything a young boy needed to know to someday grow up to be a high ranking official: tactics and strategy; design for buildings, machinery and weapons; the implementation of technologies; combat; navigation; and social etiquette.

 

Alongside the constant lessons in stuffy lecture halls and the combat training in the gym – both hand-to-hand and ranged combat – there was conditioning. While his father had been adamant about hammering this lesson into Hux since he was old enough to crawl and babble, the Academy took an even firmer approach. Hux was taught that emotions equalled weakness, and that allowing them to have any impact would damage his chances at a successful career and likely end up with himself and all of his men dead.

 

After all, if Hux let emotion get in the way, he would never be a competent leader that the First Order could rely on. Trusting emotion over logic would simply lead him astray. Fear would cloud Hux's judgement and ability to react in high-intensity situations. Jealousy challenged the chain of command which was put in place strategically and was not to be tampered with. Embarrassment would make Hux skittish and unwilling to take risks in future. Anger led to misdirected resources of time, energy and attention. Pride led to insubordination. Affection or fondness would cause Hux to hesitate and potentially not make a sacrifice that had to be made for the greater good. Happiness would make him lazy.

 

Showing any emotion – positive or negative – was a punishable offense at the Academy, not to mention in Hux's childhood home. Often it would result in a public reprimand; a test in itself to see if the student would give in to any signs of embarrassment or anger during the process. With larger outbursts of emotion would come stricter punishments: losing privileges for meals or attending social events, solitary confinement or, in the worst circumstances, a caning to the back or the shoulders. The cane never left long term marks but the sting and ache of each hit lingered.

 

For two years Hux had been a prodigy. However, when he was twelve, a new boy at the school who went by the name of James Bryson found himself unable to leave Hux alone. Like a fly constantly buzzing nearby, James would hover around Hux and throw as many taunts and insults as he could think of. It didn't take much research for Hux to learn he was the son of another high-ranked military official who had always vied for Brendol Hux's achievements.

 

Hux had scoffed at the boy's jealousy and ignored it, noting that doing so only riled his enemy up more. But then James had gotten some friends and Hux's combat skills weren't enough to save him from a fight that was five on one. He limped back to the dorms with a twisted ankle, broken wrist, bloody nose and two black eyes. Hux wouldn't name his attackers when medical asked, and though he masked any emotion the next day in class when everyone laughed at his bruised and swollen face, Hux seethed internally.

 

He dodged more attacks and kept to public groups while his body healed, and as soon as he was able Hux made his countermove. It was a misty morning on campus, he remembered, when the alarm sounded. All of the students and faculty rushed out to see what was wrong, which is where they found James in the Academy's fountain. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, hand-shaped bruises blooming on his swollen neck. The water was tinted red from the blood seeping out of James' skull where Hux had jammed a screwdriver he had stolen from tech class.

 

Hux couldn't help but think it was a beautiful sight.

 

Being the son of the Commandant of the Academy had its perks, but it couldn't save him from the punishment of a crime like this. Due to his age and family name, Hux was spared from juvenile detention. But he was still suspended for a month while locked in solitary with only his textbooks to keep him company. The beatings he received didn't faze him the way the administration hoped, and eventually they left him to call upon his father.

 

"You're a disgrace," Brendol informed him when he finally arrived at Hux's room which was more prison cell than anything else with its starkness. "To let emotion control you and then linger this long." Hux said nothing; merely watched his father with clear eyes. "You could have killed him quietly, strategically," his father went on.

 

"I could have," Hux agreed, his voice shaking. His father didn't understand that this had been strategy. No one would ever pester or attack him again. Not now.

 

Brendol's eyes narrowed. "Get your emotions under control," he hissed.

 

"I can't," Hux said and then frowned, correcting himself. "I won't."

 

His father left then, and twenty minutes later he returned with a medic in tow. A Sinaffec pill was shoved down his throat and within two minutes Hux felt himself drain of every emotion – both conscious and unconscious in nature. Once the medication had fully taken effect Hux felt like an empty shell, and that didn't bother him because it couldn't. He couldn't feel anything.

 

Each pill lasted twenty four hours. For another three days Hux remained in his cell and took one pill a day. The next two didn't need to be forced down his throat the way the first had; his defiance was muted along with everything else. When he was confirmed to be fully neutral and apathetic Hux was released to return to his classes and training, and after he demonstrated his ability to maintain this mindset he was allowed to wean off the pills. He was still ordered to keep a supply handy though, and use them if he ever needed to.

 

It wasn't that Hux stopped feeling emotion; for whatever reason he found it impossible to fully shake them. He became a master at masking them though, to the point where he barely sensed them at all. The only time Hux indulged in Sinaffec after that time at the Academy was when his mother passed. It was almost comical that Brendol made such a show of warning Hux to act proper when these days Brendol was the only one who could – almost – get a rise out of him. Everyone else was beneath Hux, unworthy of enough attention to even stir the concept of an emotion.

 

Hux shook these thoughts from his head and took his datapad to the couch to start reading. Two days from now Hux would be the General of Starkiller Base, second only to Supreme Leader Snoke. Hux would be ready to do his job to perfection and show everyone what he was capable of doing on his own, not as the son of his father.

 

#

 

"If it is to your liking, General, we will have your personal effects delivered to your room so you can meet your chief of staff directly," the co-pilot said after the shuttle had been landed with expert precision in the hangar bay of Starkiller Base. The pilot remained in the cockpit to check all systems and ensure everything powered down correctly, but the co-pilot seemed to realize Hux wouldn't appreciate sitting around being unproductive and waiting.

 

"Yes, that suits," Hux agreed as he stood by the co-pilot while the unloading ramp lowered. "Can this bag be delivered as well?" he held up the bag of personal effects he had kept with him in his rooms.

 

The co-pilot nodded and held out her hand to receive the bag. "Of course, sir. I will take it personally to your rooms after leading you to the primary meeting rooms. If you'll follow me."

 

Hux looked around as he followed behind the co-pilot but ensured his pace didn't falter or slow. What he saw of Starkiller Base on the walk was impressive; everything was new and high-end. Hux mentally noted down some efficiencies he could implement for a smooth and orderly running of the base, but for now he kept that to himself. It wasn't long before the co-pilot opened a door for him and ushered him inside before excusing herself to see to his belongings.

 

He was in a large meeting room with a wide table outlined by comfortable chairs. At the end of the room was a large window overlooking the snowy landscape, but what caught Hux's attention were the two other occupants of the room. They both stepped forward upon his entry, though one seemed slightly more skittish than the other.

 

"Captain Phasma," the first individual introduced herself and extended a hand. She was extremely tall and rather imposing with a severe haircut to match her jaw, and noticeably-broad shoulders that her armour had been moulded to fit. Hux took her hand and shook it strongly. "I oversee the Stormtroopers in every capacity: training, discipline and assignments."

 

"Good to meet you, Captain," Hux said politely. "I have read all the recent reports en route but I would prefer to get an updated briefing from you personally on the state of our troops."

 

"Certainly, sir," Phasma inclined her head and then lifted a hand to indicate the shorter man at her side. Well, he wasn't even that short – just a little shy of Hux's own height – but by comparison to Phasma he looked tiny. "Also, this is Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka. As I will be your right hand with the troops, Mitaka will be your left hand in the command centre."

 

Mitaka was a little wide-eyed but managed to keep himself under control and avoided stumbling during his half-step forward to shake Hux's hand. "A pleasure, sir."

 

"We will have an in depth briefing as well, Lieutenant," Hux stated after withdrawing his hand from the other man's.

 

"Of course, sir," Mitaka bobbed his head. "And I do not want to supersede your plans to do so but you should be aware that a message was received from the Supreme Leader earlier today indicating he wished to meet with you upon your arrival."

 

"Very well," Hux agreed. He wouldn't keep his superior waiting any longer than was necessary. "Where am I to meet him?"

 

"I can direct the signal to holodeck C, which is closest to your quarters," Mitaka offered.

 

"Good. I will meet with the Supreme Leader presently. Afterwards, you and I will debrief," Hux looked at Mitaka, and then shifted his gaze over and up to Phasma, "and then I will meet with you after dinner if that is agreeable. I would also like for you to begin preparations so that I can address all Troopers tomorrow morning. A ten minute assembly should suffice."

 

"Certainly, General," Phasma inclined her head again. Each of her movements were self-contained, no word or action needless. Hux could genuinely believe that she was one of those individuals who had surpassed him in the area of banishing emotion entirely. "I will have a report of each trooper, their testing scores, and their current assignments ready within the hour. I’ll also schedule in your public address for tomorrow."

 

If he had been in private, Hux might've let free a sigh of relief at discovering his two immediate subordinates were truly capable individuals. He wasn't alone though, nor would he bother with such an insignificant emotion in the first place. "Thank you, dismissed. Mitaka?"

 

"This way, sir," he ushered Hux out into the hallway. They went one direction while Phasma disappeared in the opposite direction. It took a few more minutes of walking and Hux realized he would need to spend some time walking all of the hallways to familiarize himself with the entire base. Mitaka said nothing during the walk, perhaps too frazzled by Hux's presence or simply deciding it wasn't his place to start the conversation. Hux left them in silence, preparing himself to meet with his new superior momentarily and put on the best impression possible.

 

"This is it," Mitaka said as he slowed to a stop outside one of the many identical doors in this particular hallway. The only thing that distinguished it from any other was a small plaque: Holodeck C. "Since you are the highest ranking officer in command, all doors have been pre-programmed with your fingerprint, General," Mitaka explained. "Your room door will open automatically, as will any public spaces not currently locked within. You will also be able to open private or locked rooms with your fingerprint and an override code, which you will find in your rooms."

 

"Thank you," Hux said. "Where will I find you once my meeting is concluded?"

 

“The command centre,” Mitaka said. “I left a personalized datapad with a map of the base’s layout for you on the console table in the holodeck.”

 

Hux inclined his head to indicate his satisfaction and then opened the door, dismissing Mitaka back to his duties without words. The holodeck was large but modest compared to some of the ones Hux had seen in the past. Near the door against the wall he saw a small table with the console for sending and receiving messages, and establishing a connection for a conference. He also saw the datapad Mitaka had mentioned sitting on the table but he left it there for now. Instead he engaged the screen with a fingerprint, seeing that an incoming transmission was already pending.

 

As soon as Hux pressed the screen the room around him glimmered away into a new appearance. The smooth metal walls had morphed into walls of stone, made imperfect by hand tools which shaped it long ago. The lights also dimmed, and when Hux glanced up, it looked as though he was in a massive citadel with rafters so high he could barely see them.

 

Hux didn’t indulge himself with an in-depth study, instead spinning on his heel within a moment to approach and acknowledge his superior. The being – for there was something about him that wasn’t quite human – was massive, or at least the image of him was. Hux knew it was likely an intimidation tactic and didn’t allow himself to outwardly tense or hesitate as he stared up at Snoke sitting in his throne of stone.

 

“General Armitage Hux,” Snoke said his name with a voice that permeated the room and snuck beneath Hux’s skin. “Welcome.”

 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux bowed, stiff-backed but proper, remembering his father’s repeated reminders that Snoke warranted a bow rather than just a salute. “Thank you for the opportunity to command this base under your name.”

 

“No need for thanks, boy.” Hux hated that term being directed at him; it sounded juvenile and almost mocking. However, nothing of Hux’s expression would betray this distaste. “It is your abilities and reputation that got you this far. In fact, one of the main reasons you were appointed is because I was told of some weapons you were developing.”

 

“Sir?” Hux probed. None of his potential weapon plans were a secret; after all, he had graduated top of his class in Weapon Schematics and Development. Well, he had graduated top of his class in every subject, but weapon design had always interested him. Hux was curious which of his plans had caught enough interest to get him this job.

 

“Did you take time to consider the name of the base you were designated to command?” Snoke asked him, and it clicked in Hux’s mind. He had been working on the plans for a weapon that could drain the energy of a star, condense it, and redirect it as a powerful energy beam to destroy planets in a single hit. “Yes, that’s the one,” Snoke almost hummed.

 

Hux startled, though he had been warned numerous times of Snoke’s powerful affinity with the Force and his ability to read minds. Hux did his best to not let his unease at the idea float anywhere near the surface of his consciousness. “I look forward to bringing its development to fruition,” he stated calmly. Genuine excitement nipped at his heels but he wouldn’t acknowledge it.

 

“Excellent. There will also be multiple raids I would like to have completed against the Resistance to keep them weak and occupied until we can launch a full strike against the Republic.” Snoke pressed his fingertips together in a steeple shape and Hux remained quiet, able to tell that the Supreme Leader had more to say. “Also, this information will not leave this room but you should know there have been some stirrings in the Force.”

 

Hux frowned. He wasn’t ignorant about the Force but he had no affinity to it himself, and most of the information he had about it was spoken of in the tone of legends. “Jedi?” he guessed.

 

“Perhaps,” Snoke mused.

 

Though it was unlikely that a Stormtrooper could match the skill of a Jedi, Hux offered, “I can have a task force organized—”

 

“No, General,” Snoke cut him off with a raised hand. “You will focus on your weapon, and the raids. I am telling you this because I will be sending my apprentice to your base.”

 

“Your apprentice?” This was all new information, and Hux was trying to ignore the feeling like someone was pulling a carpet out from under him. He was smart and resourceful; he wouldn’t have made it this far otherwise, and this change would be managed like everything else.

 

“Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren. A powerful Force wielder of the dark side,” Snoke said. “He will be outside of your chain of command and will frequently be focused on his continued training. He will also be taking orders directly from me, and I will handle his assignments regarding the Force disturbances. Is that understood?”

 

“It is,” Hux agreed. “When is he due to arrive?”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

“We will have a room set up for him,” Hux said, already making a mental plan to discuss it with Mitaka and find a room that would be available to prepare. “How long will he reside here?” Hux didn’t want an apprentice of the Force mucking about longer than was necessary, especially since he would be outside of Hux’s chain of command and therefore unleashed.

 

“Until I order otherwise,” the Supreme Leader said simply.

 

“Understood,” Hux answered. He needn’t have bothered; Snoke cut the transmission to signal the end of the discussion. Alone and with the holodeck looking familiar again, Hux allowed himself a moment to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh. Well, regardless of what this Master of the Knights of Ren was like, Hux would deal with it. He could handle anything.

 

With this in mind Hux snatched up the datapad on the table and exited the room, intent on beginning his work.