Chapter Text
Chloe didn't have English class with Brooke.
Brooke did have English with Michael Mell and Jeremy Heere, two boys who they never consider hanging out with until after they "did ecstasy" together.
And before Chloe never would have considered being their friends, but a mixture of genuine interest and guilt as she realized she was probably partially to blame for Jeremy taking the SQUIP with how terrible she was made her decide to put some effort into friendship. By that point of course, Brooke had already endeared herself to them, because she was Brooke Lohst, and Chloe was dragged along into this friendship.
Anyway, she usually met them next to her locker after English so she could head to Chemistry with Brooke and briefly say hi to the boyf riends. Which is where she was when she looked up from her phone and had a realization that ran her over like a truck.
Chloe's throat closed up as she looked at Brooke walking down the hallway, talking a mile a minute with Michael and Jeremy about the Avengers and any possibility of a comic-accurate, or even somewhat good, X-Men movie in the future. Her eyes were bright with excitement, and she was talking more than she ever had in conversation with Chloe.
Chloe had never known that Brooke was a superhero fan.
Then Brooke's eyes landed on Chloe and the shift was immediate. Brooke clammed up, before smiling a practiced smile and telling Jeremy and Michael, "See you at lunch!" before jogging up to Chloe.
It was the start of a mental trainwreck, the moment when the train derailed and crashed through anything in its way until it came to a stop (it was probably on fire too).
Because Chloe watched a bit more, listened a bit more, and learned more about Brooke in a week of paying attention to Brooke's interactions with others than she had in years since declaring Brooke her best friend in sixth grade.
Brooke was a fan of superheroes. Not in the "Jesus Captain America is hot" way that Chloe was, but a "Could probably name every random superpower ever given to Superman in the comics" way. She enjoyed knitting in her free time, and for Michael's birthday gave him a handknit copy of a hat from Firefly, a show Chloe had vaguely heard of but just dismissed as nerd stuff. She was actually very talkative; the longest Chloe had ever seen her go on for during this observational period being twenty minutes. Chloe wondered how many times she had interrupted her.
Brooke Lohst was also very kind.
When she didn't notice Chloe was there, Brooke helped freshmen who tripped and dropped their books, listened and provided genuine advice to anyone who asked, cheered up people who were down in the dumps when they happened to bump into her. Chloe occasionally saw her ask Mr. Reyes how he was doing, something the rest of their newly formed group hadn't considered (or maybe they had but she was too self-absorbed to notice). Brooke's friendliness away from Chloe was superhuman in its own right, and Chloe wondered how much it hurt Brooke to do the things they used to do.
You are a bitch, you know that? Brooke only ever seems happy when she is not around you. You did this. She didn't even need a SQUIP with the way you molded her, making her into what you wanted. You never wanted her to be herself, so don't start crying because you just realized she is a different person than the one you forced her to be.
Her derailed train metaphor was getting too accurate, because the train just kept going, destroying everything she had thought she had known about Brooke. It kept progressively getting worse.
Chloe found a picture of them from sixth grade in one of the old yearbooks in the library, and blinked in surprise.
She had forgotten Brooke wore glasses. They had disappeared one day during sixth grade and Brooke never wore them again.
She could barely recall telling Brooke offhandedly that she'd look cuter without them.
You pulled a stereotypical romcom move. You convinced the poor girl she needed to dress a certain way, take off her glasses, and become a different person in order to be worth a damn. Just like a SQUIP. Do you think you made her happier in any way? And the sad part is that you didn't do it to help her with any objective of hers. You did it to fulfill your own desires for a perfectly subservient beta. No wonder Jeremy's SQUIP was able to manipulate her. It was the first time anyone seemed to offer her any genuine attention. And you ruined that for her too.
Jesus Christ, how much had Brooke changed herself for Chloe? How much had she given up of herself to keep Chloe happy? How much had she shut herself up, repeated what Chloe wanted her to say, done what Chloe wanted her to do, forgiven Chloe over and over again for hurting her?
Chloe Valentine had fucking squipped Brooke long before she took that fucking devil Tic-Tac.
She desperately wanted to convince herself that she was wrong, but she saw all the ways she had turned Brooke into the person she was and knew a derailed train couldn't go back onto the track after going this far.
You can't fix this. You can say all you want how sorry you are, but she'll never believe you. You've hurt her and apologized and hurt her again too many times to be forgiven for what you've done. Even if you swore to do better, she wouldn't trust you to not go right back to the way you were. You don't even trust yourself to stick to it.
Chloe Valentine had done pretty bad things to get to and maintain her spot at the top. She couldn't remember the person she had been when she started; she had let go of that kind of decency and respect for anyone and given herself up piece by piece to climb up there. And she had forced Brooke to do the same.
You don't deserve what you have. You didn't earn it. You have done horrible things and have always been forgiven without hesitation. Brooke has had everything she is invalidated by you and still she stays by you. Rich and Jeremy both probably wouldn't have taken their SQUIPs if you hadn't bullied them. Michael gives you a wide berth because he knows you hurt everything you touch. Jenna practically sold her soul to you in order to have anyone she could consider a friend and you treated her like garbage. You hurt Christine because Jake was interested in her. You knew for a fact how sensitive Jake is about his parents, so you nearly forced Jeremy to have sex with you in Jake's parents' bedroom to hurt him.
Oh God, she was a fucking monster.
You are the worst kind of monster. You are horrible and terrible and you don't deserve the kindness anyone shows you. Brooke is your best friend and you have hurt her over and over again.
She had hurt everyone.
Yes, you have. You have done terrible things. Everyone would be happier if you weren't around.
Everyone would be happier if she hadn't been here in the first place.
Chloe skipped school the next day, unable to focus on her homework the night before and deciding to claim she was sick. She ignored texts and calls and the group chat, choosing instead to watch TV and try to ignore the voice in her head.
Until she decided to grab a family photo album and started flipping through pages, looking at herself from when she was a baby.
Wow, you really can't stop being self-centered, can you.
She looked at her when she was little, pictures that used to make her cringe with embarrassment now making her wonder, what had happened? When had this little girl become...her?
There was a photo of her face covered in watermelon, hair tugged into pigtails that made five year old her look a year younger. Chloe sighed, as she continued to flip through.
There were photos of her through elementary school, drawing and painting and holding up artwork proudly. Those pigtails stuck around until around fifth grade in the photos, and the artwork disappeared. Instead there were photos of her standing with girls she barely remembered. Jada was dropped that year, Lucy in seventh, and Carly in eighth, their history meaning nothing because they weren't cool enough, weren't pretty enough, weren't obedient enough, and thus not worth keeping around or remembering.
You started early in the complete monster business.
What had caused such a drastic change? When had she stopped wearing pigtails and creating things? She couldn't even remember the last time she drew or painted.
Monsters don't create. They destroy. All monsters create is other monsters. Like you did to Brooke and Jenna.
Jesus Christ.
The front door opened, and in came Chloe's mom, who blinked with surprise at seeing her daughter downstairs in her pjs, holding the photo album.
"Honey, is something wrong?" she asked, setting her bag down and sitting next to Chloe on the couch.
"Just...looking at pictures," Chloe answered, not really wanting to go into why.
"You hate that photo album though," her mom recalled, adding, "You declared that it was embarrassing and asked us to burn it."
Shit.
Chloe looked at the last photo of her holding up a piece of artwork, admitting, "I guess I was so focused on how embarrassed I was." She held up the photo of fourth grade her, asking, "She looks so happy, Mom."
"You were," her mother answered, smiling gently. "You got third place in an art competition. I was worried you'd be disappointed, but you just smiled so wide and told me you were happy you got that far."
You never would do that now. You have to be at the top, or it wasn't worth it to begin with. And you cheat even if you don't have to.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, honey. I remember you coming home in fifth grade, insisting you needed new clothes because yours looked like they belonged to a five year old boy. You stopped wearing your hair in pigtails, even though you used to insist on having it that way. And when you firmly told me Jada wasn't going to come over any more because you weren't friends anymore, I wondered what had changed. But I supported you because that was what you wanted."
Chloe closed the album, admitting, "I screwed up, Mom. I've screwed up so much, and everyone has forgiven me, but I don't deserve it. And I don't think anything I do can make up for how much I've hurt other people. I'm..."
Bitch. Asshole. Dick. Slut. Whore. Bully. Cruel. Horrible. Evil. Terrible.
"...a monster."
Yes you are. A horrible horrible monster.
"You're not a monster, Chloe," her mother said, causing her to look up. "You are a child. You are still a child. And you have done bad things but you can grow from that. You can become better. You are not incapable of growing. And I believe you can if you try. And I remember a little girl who never backed down from a challenge."
You killed that little girl though. You corrupted her and made her into something irredeemable. She doesn't know what you did to Brooke, to the people you dare to call your friends as if you haven't hurt them all. There is no redeeming what you've done.
"And the first step is always recognizing what you did wrong, Chloe." Her mother held her face. "You already started. Don't stop here. The rest of this journey takes effort, but you already took that first step." She let go and went to the kitchen for a moment before bringing back a blank sketchbook. "Maybe it isn't your thing anymore, but who knows?"
Chloe looked at the blank sketchbook, taking it in her hands, before looking up and smiling. "Thank you."
That night, Chloe pulled out a pencil and began to draw.
Maybe her SQUIP was right. Maybe there was no redeeming her.
But she would damn well try to atone.