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Lena never thought she’d get to be one of those women.
The ones that have a close knit circle of friends who come over on regularly scheduled weeknights, toting cabernet and hilarity, ready to let their hair down and kick off their heels in order to commiserate over anything and everything. The kind that get to have careers, but also get to arrange parties, and have a social calendar outside of work obligations. The kind of women she used to pretend to hate, but deep down always had a longing, an inkling, a desire to be. She won’t let herself admit it out loud, but beyond her career successes, at the end of the day, a part of her wishes she could have something meaningful like that.
Luthors don’t have friends, though. They have minions, and beyond that, their social interactions are limited to business deals and hostile takeovers. Nothing is ever done simply for the fun of it. There is no bigger waste of time than sitting around idly discussing juicy gossip when there is work to be done. Lena tried to live that way for years, focused and isolated, thinking it was the only way to rise up in the world.
But somehow, in over a year in National City, that close knit group of high achieving women are exactly what she sees when she takes a look around. And even more miraculous, Lena herself is right in the middle of it, lucky enough to call them all her friends.
~*~*~*~
The first time Lena finds herself at a “girl’s night”, it comes at the end of an apologetic request from Kara, who has been Lena’s literal only friend in National City since she has arrived. What Lena doesn’t tell her--doesn’t really need to tell her-- is that Kara is actually her only friend anywhere, in any city, or at any time in her life, period.
It might strike some as odd, because outside of her last name, Lena is charming, and likeable, and perfectly capable of holding a conversation. But her last name serves as golden handcuffs, opening certain doors and slamming others harshly in her face. Without it, she’s surprisingly gentle underneath a tough, businesslike armor, and she has a quick wit and a self-deprecating sense of humor to go with it. But she knows her affections come with a price -- and she doesn’t trust herself to let anyone in close. Not because she’s afraid they’ll hurt her. After all the loss she’s endured, that’s something she’s prepared for. But rather, she’s terrified of being the one to do the hurting. It’s something that plagues her every single minute of every single day. She won’t be like them. She won’t.
Enter Kara Danvers, friendship personified, with a strength that breaks down even Lena’s toughest walls and harshest doubts. Kara’s friendship is everything to her, for all the obvious reasons, and all the ones she’ll never say. Kara is stability, loyalty and trust, but she’s so much more than that. She’s a glimpse into a world Lena has never gotten to have, or even allowed herself to hope for: a world that includes a family, and unconditional love. Their friendship is a taste of home that warms her soul like simmering chicken soup and freshly baked apple pie, something Lena memorizes and associates as her new favorite thing. It’s why when Kara looks at her with a furrowed brow and full pouty lips when she explains that her sister is going through a rough time and could really use the company, Lena doesn’t even hesitate to accommodate.
“Would it be okay if I invited her to our movie night? I know we said we’d hang out tonight, I just think Alex could really use some friends, too.” Kara bites her lip timidly, as if expecting Lena to be upset.
Lena swallows slowly. She can think of exactly one major reason why it wouldn’t be okay, and it has nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with her last name. Kara, by some miracle, trusts her implicitly but that trust has yet to extend to anyone beyond their own private connection. For it to happen once with someone like Kara was already a miracle. Twice? Luthors didn’t have that kind of luck.
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be okay?” she hears herself saying instead, even though the alarms in her head are going off repeatedly. Apparently self-loathing takes a back seat when Kara Danvers asks for a favor. That behavior is becoming more of a normal, and less of a shock, so Lena squares her shoulders and nods. She’s used to this. She’s been here before, and will be here again. But Kara’s sister matters to Kara, and Kara is everything to her. So Lena smiles, and offers to stop by the store to pick up the kind of beer Alex likes. The kind she knows she likes because she’s seen it in Kara’s refrigerator often, and knows Kara doesn’t drink it.
Kara immediately brightens, and sends a quick text to her sister. “This is going to be great! My two favorite people, hanging out together!” she gushes as she types, and Lena has to turn her head when her cheeks flush hotly at the comment.
And that’s how Lena finds herself in the company of two Danvers women one late Thursday night. Alex eyes her up and down, and sits stiffly for the first hour, shuffling occasionally and taking swigs of her beer, quietly staring around the room and avoiding getting too involved in any conversation. Lena tries to break the ice by tossing her soft questions -- asking about work, and other neutral topics -- even though she has a strong feeling that she knows what’s got Alex so down. She recognizes the look of confusion and defeat. She observes the occasional slumping of shoulders, which looks strangely out of place on the normally confident agent.
This is not the same woman who saved her life a few months ago. And no, Lena hasn’t forgotten. It’s the other reason she’s so determined to reach out to Alex -- because without knowing a thing about her, Kara’s sister put her life on the line for Lena. And that isn’t something Lena ever takes lightly.
The conversation eventually takes an interesting turn, as Kara seems adamant to discuss relationships. Lena can see what she’s trying to do, as she tactlessly claws at something that Alex isn’t sharing, but Lena goes along with it the best that she can and hopes it’s enough.
“Nothing will ever beat the time I broke this guy’s foot when dancing with him in high school. I was so clumsy!” Kara chuckles, before her eyes widen and she hurriedly adds, “Well, not literally! I mean, I don’t think I actually broke his feet. That would be intense. Still! It was embarrassing!”
Alex’s eyebrows raise, and Kara bashfully takes a sip of her drink. Lena watches them before speaking.
“I remember my first crush. I was young, and it was overwhelming, and I didn’t know how to handle it at all. So, like a normal person, I wrote a note threatening her to stay away from me. That behavior pretty much carried into adulthood. So, you know, that along with my last name, I can’t imagine why I’m single,” Lena grins, rolling her eyes at the memory. Kara bursts out laughing, her face incredulous as if she isn’t sure what to believe, and Alex cracks a smile for the first time all night. It makes Lena’s chest swell with pride, both that she finally seems to be making progress with Alex, but more still when she catches Kara looking at her with that look -- the one she gets when she seems almost proud that Lena is there.
“You had a crush on a girl?” Alex finally bursts, her eyes widening in disbelief.
Lena shrugs, her eyebrow raising suggestively as she takes another sip of her drink. “What can I say, I appreciate beauty when I see it.”
Alex shakes her head and smiles, and Lena swears she sees Kara’s cheeks turn red, but it could also be the wine. She’s on her second -- no, third -- glass, and everything seems to be extra smooth and red and velvety, anyway.
Her buzzed confession seems to do the trick, as Alex places her bottle down on the table and launches into her current conundrum with a certain FBI detective, which turns into her own coming out story. Lena’s heart thumps painfully as she listens to Alex’s saga, relating far more than she could ever admit during a first hang out. She nods along, and offers sympathetic smiles as Alex tells about Maggie’s rejection.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” Alex shrugs finally, taking another sip of beer. “I shouldn’t have said anything to her, that’s all.”
Lena swallows a sip of her wine. “At least you were brave and honest. That takes courage. You should never be ashamed of that,” she finishes, nodding in Alex’s direction.
“Yeah,” Alex reluctantly agrees. She exhales and seems to relax for the first time all night, her eyes softening just the slightest bit as she stares at Lena. It’s a focused look, and her lips twist slightly, almost as if she’s deciding something. Lena sips her wine and turns away subtly, hoping she hasn’t said too much. She knows she has a propensity for oversharing, especially on an empty stomach and with some liquid courage, but everything feels good and safe here, with Kara sitting only a few feet away, smiling at her like she belongs.
The subject eventually changes, and they fall into easy conversations about lighter topics. Alex throws shade at Kara’s music tastes, prompting Lena to come to her rescue and confess her own affinity for 90’s boy bands. Lena also learns that both she and Alex secretly love watching Scandal, which Kara insists is a conspiracy, because Alex always vehemently denies knowing anything about what’s going on in the show.
It’s silly and fun and the awkwardness eventually fades completely. By the end of the night, Lena’s cheeks are red and her sides hurt from laughing, and it almost feels like they’ve all known each other for years.
When Alex gets up to leave, Lena stands with her and offers out her hand. Instead, Alex surprises her and wraps her in a huge hug.
“Thanks Lena,” she whispers, squeezing her slightly before letting go. “I really needed this.”
“Anytime,” Lena breathes, awkwardly returning the gesture. It’s strong and comforting and makes her smile, because it’s so similar to the way Kara leaves their hang outs, and now Lena understands where she gets it.
Kara takes her turn and hugs her sister good bye, and then pivots to Lena with open arms and Lena practically melts into them. She’s starting to get used to the way she fits perfectly tucked beneath Kara’s chin, and the warm comfort her hugs always provide.
“Thanks for letting her join us,” Kara whispers in her ear, sending a chill down Lena’s spine. “That meant a lot to me.”
Lena can only nod dumbly in response. She doesn’t think these hang outs will become an actual thing that they’ll start doing -- but she enjoys this moment for what it is, anyway.
~*~*~*~*
The second time it happens, it’s a few weeks later, and Lena assumes she’s invited along simply because she’s standing next to Kara when it comes up in conversation. They had just finished a quick lunch in between meetings -- a coveted time spot that Lena consistently blocks off for only one person-- when Alex and detective Sawyer saunter up to them as they are heading back downtown.
Lena discretely eyes the pair and smiles to herself at the way they awkwardly stand together, too close to be colleagues, too far away to be comfortable. She’s happy for Alex, as it seems things have started to work out, after all.
“Alex! Maggie!” Kara calls out cheerfully. “What are you guys up to?”
“We’re just heading back to work,” Alex answers in such a way that Lena knows they really aren’t heading back to work, but she ignores it and continues to grin at them behind Kara’s shoulder.
“What are you all doing later? We should meet up tonight! Make it a girl’s night!” Kara smiles excitedly and the corners of her eyes crinkle as she looks expectedly at the group. Alex and Maggie look at each other and both nod, silently accepting Kara’s invitation.
“Lena? You have to come too!” Kara chirps, looking at her with that adorable pout, the one Lena can’t resist even if she wants to. Her stomach flutters and she smiles in spite of herself. Her knee-jerk reaction is to make an excuse, or mumble something about intruding, but it all falls by the wayside when she stares at Kara’s eager smile. Instead she exhales and nods.
“That would be lovely, Kara. Of course I’ll come,” Lena agrees, turning to the other two. She reaches out her hand.“Detective, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Lena.”
Lena’s eyes briefly drift knowingly to Alex, who purses her lips and looks bashfully away. She turns and focuses on Maggie, who shakes it with a dimpled smile.
“Maggie,” she says, taking Lena’s outstretched hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“I’m sure you have,” Lena’s eyebrow raises slowly with precision. She scrunches her nose and grins. “I’m worse in person.”
Kara laughs overenthusiastically and touches Lena’s arm in such a way that is meant to reassure everyone it’s only a joke, but all it does is set Lena’s skin ablaze with the sudden contact. Maggie and Alex grin awkwardly at them, before a small, hushed silence passes over the group.
“So Kara and I will see you all later? I’ll bring the booze -- what do you like?” Lena asks genuinely, and everyone seems to loosen up significantly.
With everyone’s drink of choice secured in her hands, and Kara’s persistent text messages -- Are you on your way? Are you almost here? Where are you? -- Lena arrives to Kara’s apartment feeling calm, and more importantly, wanted. They settle in and within minutes they’re bantering over childhood memories and embarrassing photos.
“You will not show my sixth grade yearbook photo, thank you very much!” Alex reaches out and grabs the photo box from Kara’s hands. She’s too slow, though, and Kara whisks out a photo and holds it just out of her reach.
“Oh, this I’ve got to see. Come on Danvers, give it up!” Maggie laughs, reaching for the photo in Kara’s hand.
“Alex it’s not that bad. Your hair was… unique,” Kara offers, keeping the photo facing her for the time being, but shifting her eyes in a conspiratorial way that tells everyone she really wants to show it.
“I once cut my own hair, thinking I was doing myself a favor, but I completely butchered it. So, Lillian, against her will, decided to bring me to a stylist to fix it. Turns out, their idea of fixing a girl’s hair resulted in chopping it all off. It took forever to grow back. I’m pretty sure it’s what inspired Lex to shave his head completely, now that I think about it,” Lena muses, twisting her lips as she recalls the horrendous hairstyle of her youth. Everyone stares at her with their mouths agape, until Kara finally relinquishes the picture.
“Yeah, so, it’s not as bad as that,” Kara says, and even Alex admits Lena might have her beat.
“You don’t have any embarrassing pictures, Maggie?” Kara asks, still smiling at Alex’s ridiculous misfortune.
Maggie looks like she wants to laugh it off, but something in her voice hitches and she shakes her head. She sighs and explains that she hasn’t seen her parents since she was 14, and that as far as she knows, all the family photos that include her have been altered so they don’t anymore. Lena feels sick at the idea of someone else suffering the same cruelness at the hands of their family that she’s been subject to, and her eyebrows come together as she listens to Maggie talk.
“It’s not a big deal,” Maggie finishes, a pained smile across her face. It doesn’t reach her eyes, and instead her faces says that yes, actually, it’s a very big deal, but she refuses to cry over it. Lena’s stomach twists at the similarities she shares with this woman, and she feels compelled to at least let her know she isn’t alone.
“Well, you know, in the Luthor house, casual put downs and devious manipulation were how we showed affection,” Lena grins, shrugging her shoulders slightly. “So by that measure, I was very loved by my family.”
They exchange a look that says more than words ever can, and Lena tilts her head and offers a subtle nod. Comrades in arms when it comes to hideous parenting. Lena likes Maggie a little more after this night, she decides.
“Sometimes you have to choose your family,” Kara says abruptly, her voice strong and determined. She looks at Lena with such force that it almost knocks the wind out of her. Lena wants to believe she’s saying I choose you, so she tucks it away and keeps it for later.
“That’s the truth,” Maggie agrees, and Alex gently touches her shoulder as she speaks.
“And here we are, bad-ass women still prevailing!” Lena finishes, determined to bring back some sort of happiness to the conversation, raising her glass in the group’s direction.
“Cheers to that!” Maggie smiles and mimics the action, before they both take a sip.
The movie they have playing in the background chooses that moment to end, and the glaring sound of the local news takes its place. Everyone ignores it until Lillian Luthor’s face appears, snarling and scowling at the audience, as the anchor begins to talk about her upcoming trial. Lena’s mouth goes dry as her own name comes up, and she feels exposed layer by layer as the Luthor mantle hangs precariously over her head. She’s always able to spin family anecdotes in a twisted and funny way, but when it comes back full force without the guise of humor, she feels trapped and completely at a loss for words.
“The angry rant of an estranged daughter...”
Lena winces as the words hit her. It’s a full on attack of her character, and there’s nothing she can really do to stop it. No one speaks until the segment ends. Kara sighs audibly.
“See what I mean? Daughter of the year,” Lena says forcing a grin, as her heart beats heavily in her chest. Kara’s face is contorted into a pained expression, and Lena can’t seem to meet her eyes.
“I think we need shots!” Maggie finally announces, breaking the silence and jumping off the couch. She heads for the kitchen and returns a few moments later with a full bottle of tequila.
Lena knows she shouldn’t, but Maggie is smiling, and Alex is pouring, and even Kara has shifted to offer a hand out for a shot glass of her own. It won’t fix things, or miraculously turn her life into something else, but these people are here, and they care. She has friends, and they’re trying in their own small way to make things hurt a little less. The liquid burns her throat, but drowns out reality, and soon they’re all laughing and forgetting why they even started drinking in the first place.
As a result, the details of the second girl’s night are fuzzy, and come accompanied with a hangover and a headache. Lena sits at her desk the next morning, grimacing and rubbing her temples, but she can’t help the small smile that sneaks over her lips. For once, she isn’t drowning her sorrows alone and dealing with the aftermath. For once, she’s reeling from the pain of an actual good time.
~*~*~*~
The third girl’s night doesn’t happen for a few weeks, because life insists on getting in the way. Lillian’s trial turns into a circus, and Lena herself ends up behind bars. It’s fitting, really. Another Luthor, another downfall. This one has a slightly different ending, however, which keeps Lena afloat and her spirit intact. After being broken out of jail and kidnapped, but finally rescued by Supergirl and subsequently exonerated by Kara, Lena is exhausted, but victorious.
When Lena shows up to Kara’s apartment a few nights later with wine and take out, it’s unannounced, but she doesn’t have the strength to explain. Kara opens the door with a huge smile, and takes the bag from Lena’s offering hands.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” Kara greets, already ushering her inside as if Lena’s an expected guest. “I was just about to put on Netflix!”
“I’m sorry to barge in on you--” Lena begins, but Kara’s understanding face stops her in her tracks.
“You brought food and wine, and you know I always love to see you,” Kara finishes, grinning. “I’m happy you came!”
“Do you think we can invite your sister and Maggie?” Lena asks quietly, almost pleading. The question is heavy with implications. Kara seems surprised for a second, before her face softens. She nods, and takes out her phone.
“And don’t let them ditch us,” Lena says, stronger this time.
“I won’t,” Kara promises. Her phone buzzes a few minutes later, and she smiles. “They said they’re on their way.”
Alex and Maggie finally arrive, and introductions are more formal than they’ve been in the past. Alex offers a lopsided hug, and Maggie nods, but keeps her distance. Everyone takes their seats around Kara’s couch, staring somberly at the TV, quietly sipping drinks and each desperately hoping for a miracle.
“I hope you left the handcuffs at home. I don’t think you’ll need them tonight,” Lena eventually quips, looking at Maggie with twisted lips. “At least, not for me.” She smirks at Alex, whose face turns ten different shades of red.
It’s snark wrapped in acceptance, and it’s the only way Lena knows how to approach the seriousness of the situation without getting too emotional. She doesn’t hold a grudge. In fact, she’s happy Maggie is even here at all, but she can’t find the words to actually say that. Instead she looks on as Kara awkwardly coughs over her drink, and Maggie smugly watches her with amused eyes.
“Fair enough,” Maggie acknowledges in surrender. She slumps her shoulders forward as she puts her drink down on the table. “I really am sorry, Lena.”
“You were only doing your job,” Lena says more seriously, raising her glass in Maggie’s direction and cocking a dangerously pointed eyebrow. “But let’s not make it a habit, shall we?”
“Deal,” Maggie agrees, as she picks up her bottle and they clink their glasses. Lena feels like her heart is slowly being stitched back together, because somehow, she’s made it out of a horrible situation even closer to her friends than before.
Kara smiles at them both and Lena feels her cheeks once again burning under her best friend’s azure gaze. She knows that the main reason she’s even in this room, able to have friends around her, is because of Kara. The reason she is in a position to forgive Maggie, instead of everyone having to learn to forgive her, is because of Kara’s unwavering belief in her innocence. Lena nods her head in Kara’s direction and softly mouths a “thank you”.
Kara smiles, and bashfully adjusts her glasses, before mouthing back “always”.
~*~*~*~*
The fourth girl’s night introduces itself with a friendly buzzing on Lena’s phone. She grins as she realizes she’s been added to a group text with Kara, Alex and Maggie all planning to get together the following night. Someone -- Alex, she assumes-- names the group “Cops & Nerds” and it hits her in such a ridiculous way that she bursts out laughing right in her office.
[Alex]: My turn to host
[Kara]: Please don’t cook
[Alex]: My cooking is fine!
[Maggie]: I’ll bring pizza
[Alex]: Whose side are you on?
[Lena]: I’ll bring booze...but no tequila this time
[Maggie]: Luthor don’t go soft on me
[Alex]: Neither of you should ever have tequila...ever
Lena puts her phone away and rushes off to meetings, which turns into more meetings, and before she knows it, it’s seven o’clock and she hasn’t even left her office yet. When she finally turns up at Alex’s apartment, it’s after a long, exhausting day and she’s more than an hour late.
“I know you’re a workaholic, but when you’re the one bringing the booze, there’s no excuse,” Alex chides, as she swoops in to take the bottles from Lena’s hands. She deposits them on the counter, then swiftly returns and wraps her into a quick one-armed hug. “But we’re glad you’re finally here.”
“Yeah, aren’t you the boss? Don’t you make the rules?” Maggie calls out from the couch. “Tell them to pack up and move out.”
“Hi to you, too. You’re both worse than anyone on my board,” Lena laughs, rolling her eyes as she walks into the room. She carelessly tosses off her heels and kicks them to the corner. It’s effortless how comfortable she feels here, and it makes her feel warm and relaxed already. “I was stuck with the lawyers. Endless paperwork and skeeze speak. My favorite.”
“How did it all go?” a soft, gentle voice asks from the couch, where there’s already a glass of wine poured and a vacant space waiting for her. Kara adjusts her glasses and watches Lena intently as she approaches. Lena’s limbs run hot, and her eyes flutter as she’s caught momentarily off guard. It isn’t like she’s surprised that Kara is sitting there, or that it’s the first time she’s ever been concerned for Lena’s well-being, but it’s somehow still physically overwhelming every time it happens.
It’s also painful, which is a new cruel development, as Lena has only now begun to acknowledge her feelings on the potentially-in-love-with-my-best-friend front. Naturally.
“I’m just happy it’s over,” Lena concedes, as she settles into the couch next to Kara and reaches for her wine. “Beth will be rotting away in jail for life and that’s all I can ask for.”
It has been several weeks since Jack’s death, and Lena still hasn’t processed everything, still won’t allow herself to process everything. But she’s moving forward, and keeping her affairs in order, and doing her best to honor his memory. The chaos of loss has stirred up a lot of painful, hidden emotions, but at the end of the day, all it has really done is cement her growing feelings for someone else: someone sunny and warm who shows up without being asked and swears up and down that Lena is good and worthy of love. Kara has been by her side every step of the way, and it makes her stronger simply because it hasn’t killed her. Yet.
But Lena also knows they’re only friends, and that Kara has someone else -- and it’s right that it isn’t her. Lena knows better, knows it should be left alone. She is lucky to have the friends she has, and to ruin it over unrequited feelings, well, that just isn’t an option. So Lena clenches her jaw, and sips her wine, and tries to make jokes about things that don’t matter. Hopefully, eventually, her feelings will subside.
(They don’t).
~*~*~*~*~
By the time they have the fifth, sixth and seventh, it’s a routine that doesn’t need a reminder. The text messages are more jokes and nonsense than actually a necessity for planning, and Lena is starting to forget to be paranoid when she hears her phone buzzing. They rotate apartments, but they have a consistent schedule that revolves around Game of Thrones, and the strange dinner combination of pizza and potstickers.
“You started without me?” Maggie barges in the door several minutes late, staring accusingly at the two figures huddled together on the couch, already engrossed in the show.
“You were late!” Lena and Alex both yell, refusing to look away from the screen. They all have a pact not to watch without the others, but everyone is very firm about start time. To Lena’s amusement, it’s sometimes more cut throat than the boardroom, and it’s a meeting she never, ever skips.
“I was arresting someone!” Maggie argues, as she settles on to the couch next to them. Kara is bumping around in the kitchen, grumbling about the size of the order of potstickers, unbothered by the chaos. Lena smiles to herself as she listens to Kara-- “they always forget the extra sauce!”-- who everyone knows is really only here for the food and little else. She couldn’t care less if they were watching Game of Thrones or House Hunters, so long as everyone is together and there’s endless amounts of take out.
“It’s Natalie Dormer, Maggie. She waits for no one,” Alex interjects, pointing enthusiastically to the TV.
“She’s delicious,” Lena agrees, smirking at the screen. “Sorry Maggie.”
Something clatters in the kitchen, followed by a comical tirade of less-than-intimidating and not quite curse words. There’s a faint smell of ash and fire wafting into the living room.
“Is something burning?” Lena turns in the direction of the kitchen, concerned suddenly for Kara’s health. “Kara?”
“No!” Kara quickly yells from the kitchen. “No, everything is fine! I’m good!”
Lena’s real favorite part of the night comes later, when everyone is full and sleepy and Kara insists on watching yet another Disney movie. After finding out that Maggie hasn’t seen very many, and Lena’s seen even less, Kara has made it her personal mission to introduce every single piece of Walt Disney’s collection to the group. It’s a job she takes very seriously, and Lena only half-heartedly complains.
“Do they always have to burst out into song? I don’t know many villains who can carry a tune. And I know villains,” Lena complains, scrunching her nose at the screen.
“Lena! Sh! This is the best part!” Kara insists, throwing a piece of popcorn at her that gets lost in the tendrils of her hair.
Secretly, Lena would watch cartoons with Kara Danvers any day of the week if it meant having her look at her like this-- with sparkling eyes and excited smiles as she recites lines by heart and waits for Lena to laugh at pre-scripted jokes. And Lena always does. Then, when Kara sings, Lena is sure she knows what it feels like to fly, because it’s like nothing else she can describe on this Earth.
So hiding her feelings isn’t necessarily going according to plan, but when she wakes up hours later tucked in a blanket and nestled into Kara’s side, she thinks maybe, just maybe, this is enough.
~*~*~*~*~
The eighth and ninth time they get together, Lena doesn’t really count it as true girl’s nights because someone critical is missing. The invasion is over, the Earth is safe, but none of that matters to Lena when it seems like the rest of her world is torn apart. Kara hasn’t even been distant as much she’s disappeared entirely. She hasn’t returned phone calls or text messages in weeks, and Lena thinks she knows every single reason why, because every reason points back to her.
It’s only fitting, she thinks bitterly to herself. How could she have expected someone like Kara to stick with her forever when she can’t seem to stop making the same critical mistakes? She hasn’t forgiven herself, and doesn’t blame Kara for wanting to be far away from her. It’s the same old story, and it should have been expected. Lena is furious for indulging in the maybe of something brighter.
A knock on her door startles her from her inner-tirade. Lena furrows her brow and opens the door carefully, unsure what to expect. Her shoulders immediately relax when she sees a timid Alex with a bottle of wine and a somber Maggie next to her, peering at Lena with questioning eyes. They show up unannounced -- but not uninvited -- and Lena shuffles to make room for them.
Game of Thrones comes on, but everyone sits awkwardly silent. There isn’t cheerful banter, or anyone to yell at for asking annoying questions. There’s no one complaining about food being delivered late. Lena sorely misses Kara’s commentary, and the way she would sometimes press into her side when the night ran long and she was too sleepy to sit up. Everything feels empty. She loves that Alex and Maggie are here, but she can tell they’re feeling the hollowness, too.
“Maybe we can put on something else,” Lena mumbles, and Alex nods, reaching for the remote like she can’t change the channel fast enough.
Their usual food delivery arrives, and no one thinks ahead to cancel the potstickers. Lena takes the bag and feels the stabbing between her ribs as she eyes the contents. She doesn’t even like potstickers, a fact Kara is always appalled at, but something Lena knows she secretly delights in. After all, no one fights her for the last one, and she gets the entire order to herself. Lena still hasn’t figured out how Kara can eat as much as she does, but she never fails to order an obnoxious amount whenever they’re together. Now she’s stuck with a huge order and no one to grab them from her and groan at how amazing they are.
Lena walks back into the living room slowly. She delicately takes one from the box and pops it in her mouth, suppressing the absurd urge to cry as she swallows. Kara isn’t even the one that’s gone, but in so many ways she is, and it sometimes hurts so much that Lena can’t stand it.
She tries to put it out of her mind, and instead she asks Alex and Maggie about the wedding planning, which is a mistake in every sense, but she does it anyway. They talk about caterers, and the battle between DJs vs live bands, but Lena can only feel the gaping hole in her chest growing deeper and deeper. She wants to be happy for her friends, but all she can hear in her mind is Kara’s opinion on the food they’re selecting-- “An endless buffet of potstickers, Alex!”-- and what she would want to hear as a wedding song-- “It isn’t a party without N’sync!”-- and it aches.
“It sounds like it’s coming together,” Lena says half-heartedly, and Alex responds with even less enthusiasm.
They’re quiet again, staring dumbly at the TV, and it’s so overwhelming that Lena can’t take it.
“I’m worried about her,” Lena says softly, almost more to herself than anyone else in the room. She runs her finger slowly over the rim of her glass dejectedly, and offers a sad smile to Alex, who seems to be staring at her like she can read every thought Lena is having. Maybe she can. Maybe she always has. The jokes Alex makes about Lena and Kara’s relationship are always met with flushed cheeks and shaking heads, but in serious moments like these, Lena finds she doesn’t mind if Alex knows the truth about her feelings. Not at all.
They stay a little longer, but call it an early night after every show seems to just remind the group of inside jokes that somehow always involve Kara.
“She’ll be back,” Alex assures her as they’re leaving. “I know she will.”
“I just miss her,” Lena admits, and she shouldn’t, because it’s selfish, but she says it anyway. It’s Alex, and she knows. That, at least, is comforting.
“She loves you,” Alex squeezes Lena’s shoulder gently and looks her in the eye with firm conviction, and a determined stare that Lena wants to believe in. No, she needs to believe in it. She loves Alex and loves Maggie, but no one compares to Kara.
She needs Kara back.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When Kara finally begins to come around and return her messages again, Lena feels like some of the lights have been turned back on in her life. Even though they’re formal, and mostly about work, it’s something, and it’s all Lena has. It takes everything in her power not to launch into her calendar, scheduling an obnoxious amount of plans, or to jump back into where they were before with assumed lunch dates and casual drop-in movie nights. She still makes an effort, but she consciously holds back more than she normally would. She bites her tongue, and crosses her fingers, and simply waits. She’s nothing if not patient, especially when it comes to something this important.
But when Kara is in her office, and Lena feels her warmth and sees the sadness all over her face, something inside of her breaks. Kara rolls her eyes and still manages to remind Lena of her worth, even if she says it with painful blasé and it lights a fire under Lena to go after Morgan Edge with everything she has. Not just for her benefit, but for theirs. Kara starts to leave without so much as an acknowledgement of where they stand, and Lena feels her heart break.
“I mean, I miss you,” Lena finally bursts, trying desperately to reach for Kara -- her Kara, not this nameless reporter sitting in her office -- to keep their shredded friendship alive even just a few seconds longer. So maybe she’s not as patient as she wants to be, but she can’t stop herself. Her uncharacteristic outburst is needy, but Kara is there for work, not as her friend, and Lena feels it with every formal word in their conversation. In fact, she hates everything about it. The only thing worse, however, would be not saying anything at all. That’s something she already struggles with when it comes to everything she feels about Kara.
“I’ve just been busy,” Kara insists, and she leaves with a flutter of her hand as she brushes off another brunch invitation. Lena stares after her wondering if there’s even more going on than just Mon-El’s departure. Maybe this really is it. Maybe Lena finally broke the one thing she’s tried so hard to protect.
She texts Alex, who seems more troubled than ever, and then puts her phone away. Lena isn’t too proud to admit she takes the rest of the night to sulk in her office, staring at the couch that used to be their sacred space and is now just as sad and empty sitting across the room.
When Lena successfully -- and admittedly, recklessly -- ousts Morgan for control of CatCo, she knows it’s a prime investment, but she also knows why she really goes for it. It’s for Kara. It’s always for Kara.
“You’re kidding!” Kara exclaims when she tells her the news, shaking her head at Lena in disbelief. When Lena stares at her with sincerity, she swears she sees a wall begin to crumble. “Lena!”
Lena knows they’ll have to learn to balance work with their personal lives, and it’s another layer to their already complicated situation. But Lena is adamant that she needs Kara, and when she tells her she can’t do “this” without her, she’s talking about so much more than just work.
It isn’t until Kara shows up to CatCo the following morning and marches into the office with her arm outstretched and a semi-smile that Lena begins to relax. Kara grins and offers Lena a gift -- a planner that she swears is a Danvers Family tradition--and Lena’s heart does something other than shatter for the first time in months. Kara is bashful and nervous as she hands it to her, but it’s almost like an apology wrapped in a leather binding. Lena can’t help the delighted smile that etches itself across her face as she runs her fingers over the pages. Later, when she’s alone in her office and has time to open it for the first time, she sees Kara’s familiar handwriting blocking off Sunday morning for brunch, and Lena allows the overwhelming sense of relief to wash over her in waves. They’re going to be okay. This is going to work.
It’s a bit of a joke when the following week, Lena sends a calendar invite to Kara’s inbox blocking off time for a girl’s night, but before she can laugh it off and take it back, Kara accepts it with an eager response.
“Can’t wait!” she sends back, and Lena bites her lip and shakes her head as she catches Kara’s eye from across the office.
Lena forwards the invitation to Maggie and Alex in spite of herself, because she’s feeling too light hearted and happy to care.
“You’re such a nerd,” Maggie responds immediately. Lena rolls her eyes before reading the rest. “But consider this our RSVP.”
Lena opens the door that night to find Kara standing there, wearing an ear to ear smile that oh, God, Lena’s missed -- and carrying enough food to feed the entirety of Lena’s apartment complex.
“Hi,” Kara says, suddenly shy, holding out the bags and reaching awkwardly for her glasses.
“Hi yourself,” Lena grins, taking a bag from Kara’s arms and quickly ushering her inside. “I’m really glad you came.”
~*~*~*~*
And so, when Samantha Arias comes to town, and steps in to help Lena balance L-Corp with CatCo, it doesn’t take long for Lena to see a little bit of herself in her. A smart, successful woman trying her best, with the weight of the world on her shoulders. It’s obvious, and charming, and Lena shakes her head at the way that life has shifted: she’s suddenly put in a position to extend a kindness to someone else. She’s immediately taken by Sam’s kind nature, and the heart of gold she keeps proudly on display, especially when it comes to her daughter, Ruby. To Lena, it’s clear that the only thing Sam is missing in her life is a group of good, supportive friends.
“You do realize Lena isn’t going to take no for an answer, right?” Kara says later in Lena’s old office, only half-kidding when they extend the invitation to girl’s night at Kara’s apartment. Kara eyes Lena quickly, and their exchange says it all. It says you helped me, once. It says you brought me back.
Lena quirks her eyebrow. Now that she has this circle of friends, she isn’t going to let them go no matter what happens.
“Accurate,” Lena scrunches her nose and points back at Kara, staring at Sam with a smile, waiting for her to accept their invitation.
And she does.