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Since the war had ended C-3PO had become obsessed with improving himself. The droid was constantly attempting to perfect some new social mannerism or custom. When he wasn’t out ‘expanding his protocol knowledge through new experiences,’ he was doing avid research by watching holo-dramas with Leia.
R2-D2 wasn’t sure what the end goal was, but it was amusing to watch the taller droid put himself in increasingly awkward situations that he was poorly equipped to deal with.
After three weeks of practicing Noghri diplomacy, and having to has his left leg reattached twice, C-3PO announced that he was ready to move on to a more challenging custom: dating.
“Why do you need to practice dating? No one is ever going to ask you to be romantic with them,” R2-D2 said.
“Sometimes I feel like you are trying to be intentionally hurtful. Nevermind though R2-D2, everything I do I do for a reason. What if, force-forbid, we’re ever on a mission again and I must play the role of the ‘honeypot’? Have you ever considered that?”
R2-D2 didn’t know what a honeypot was, but he was willing to bet it was a term C-3PO had picked up from the terrible holo-dramas about spies that he was currently obsessed with. “No,” R2-D2 beeped. “You’re right. You should try and date.”
“I’m glad you can see reason occasionally,” C-3PO said. R2-D2 beeped in agreement. This was going to be the most amusing thing C-3PO had attempted yet, far be it from R2-D2 to discourage him.
Two days later R2-D2 realized he’d made a miscalculation. Somehow C-3PO wasn’t actually terrible at wooing and flirting. It went against all known data. C-3PO was infamously bumbling when it came to social interactions. In spite of, or perhaps because of, his overwhelming knowledge of social interaction, C-3PO was too formal and too structured to be able to have casual interactions with most species.
And yet here he was having conversations with multiple different organisms. R2-D2 beeped in annoyance from his spot behind a stall in the market. He’d rolled over thinking he’d watch the other droid fail in several of his attempts before exposing himself and taking pity on C-3PO by agreeing to go back and watch the latest episodes of Forgotten Jedi Tales with him to comfort him. Instead it looked like one bith was actually providing C-3PO with their contact information.
R2-D2 waited until the bith had walked away before rolling over to C-3PO casually.
“Oh! R2-D2, I just had the most pleasant interaction. It appears romantic protocol is not nearly has hard as Princess Niavari makes it seem in ‘Princess of My Hearts,’” R2-D2 said.
“You are not planning on going on a date with a bith, are you?” R2-D2 asked.
“What is that suppose to mean,” C-3PO asked.
R2-D2 couldn’t think of a response. He didn’t know why he’d made the comment in the first place. He felt like his monitor board was overheating. “You two can’t have anything in common.”
“We both have a respect for Mirialan folk music it seems. And we’ll have time to learn what else we have in common tonight when we return to listen to a performance that one of my potential paramore’s cousins in putting on.
“Tonight? Isn’t that too soon to be going on a date?” R2-D2 asked.
“Nonsense, romance among many species is much faster moving than platonic bonds. Do you think I should get a buffer? Many species engage in preening before dates, perhaps I should find something to do to mark the occasion,” C-3PO said, rambling on as he often did when a new idea struck him.
R2-D2 rolled away without responding. He needed time to process this new data set.
“You want to sabotage C-3POs date?” Luke asked.
“No. This is a bad match for C-3PO. I want to stop the date-mission from being successful,” R2-D2 beeped.
“One, that sounds like sabotage. And two, if the match is actually bad then the date won’t go well, that’s how it works R2-D2. No interference needed,” Luke said. He clearly didn’t understand.
“But what if the date-mission does go well? C-3PO shouldn’t be dating some random stranger he met in a marketplace,” R2-D2 said. He flashed one of his lights to emphasis how serious this was.
Luke smiled down at him and placed his hand on his dome. “Don’t worry buddy, even if C-3PO does begin to date someone I’m sure he’ll still have time to spend with you. There’s no need to be jealous,” Luke said. He ignored R2-D2’s denying beep. “It’ll all work out.”
As Luke left R2-D2 beeped in annoyance. There was a reason R2-D2 was the strategist of their group. Clearly no one else knew how to properly assess a situation. What R2-D2 needed was more data. He rolled over to a comlink and pulled up all data files relating to Princess of My Hearts. C-3PO had clearly been lead astray at some point, and R2-D2 was going to figure out how to make the situation better.
By the time the date was supposed to begin R2-D2 had successfully compiled data from 73 seasons of Princess of My Hearts and had come to a startling realization. He was Countess Miana and R2-D2 was clearly his Princess Niavari. His affection for the other droid was much greater than he’d previously realized. He couldn’t make the same strategic error of the Countess though and remain silent. Instead he would have to pull of the move that Emperor Neia had performed in season 67 to end the Princess’ relationship with the evil Lord Mel.
To be successful R2-D2 would need to dramatically interrupt the date and declare his love.
It was the most logical course of action, but R2-D2 was hesitant. He was willing to acknowledge that he cared deeply for C-3PO. They had more in common and had gone through more experiences together than anyone else, much like the Princess and the Countess. He also didn’t like the thought of C-3PO dating someone else.
However, R2-D2 wasn’t typically a droid who showed his processing in his lense. But, the situation had gotten out of his control. There was no subtle or simple way to end this date and win back C-3PO’s time and attention.
He couldn’t stand by and lose like the Countess clearly had. He engaged the same risk taking protocol he used in battle and rolled off to do what he had to.
Unfortunately he bumped into C-3PO before he could find him and plan his dramatic entrance.
“What are you doing?” R2-D2 asked. He scanned the area and located the bith 37 meters away where the musicians were playing.
“I went to retrieve a liquid substance for my date to imbibe,” C-3PO said, lifting up the cup of blue substance.
“Is the date-mission going well?” R2-D2 asked.
“I believe so. We went to an event together and we’ve been walking in close proximity and discussing said event. However, it is not as exciting as I was lead to believe it was going to be,” C-3PO said.
Now was R2-D2’s moment. He reached out an attachment and knocked the drink out of C-3PO’s hand. “This is not a good match for you. You should spend your recreational time with me instead,” he said.
C-3PO looked at the spilled drink and then at R2-D2. “You’ve been watching Princess of My Hearts.” R2-D2 beeped an affirmative. “Well, I don’t know what to say R2-D2. You certainly have never shown anything resembling romantic attraction to me before this moment.”
“I spend 20% more of my down time with you than anyone else,” R2-D2 said.
C-3PO made a humming noise. “That’s true, I suppose.”
“I can provide you with significantly more exciting date-missions,” R2-D2 beeped confidently.
“I have no doubt about that, but I’d prefer not to have to have any more of my parts replaced. Oh dear, my date is approaching,” C-3PO said.
R2-D2 narrowed his lense as the bith approached them with its lower mouth folds moving in his species version of a smile. Another bith, the cousin perhaps, was with him. “Is this your friend?” he asked, motioning to R2-D2.
C-3PO turned and looked at R2-D2 then back at the bith, repeating the motion several times. R2-D2 could practically hear his processors whirling. Finally he turned back to the bith. “I’m terribly sorry, but I must put an end to this date. While it was pleasant I’ve realized my romantic efforts would be better rewarded if turned towards my friend. Good bye,” C-3PO said.
R2-D2 let out a victorious beep and up against C-3PO, letting out a series of beeps.
“There’s no need to be cruel R2-D2,” C-3PO chastised him as they both turned around to leave. “If you enjoyed Princess of My Heart, you’re going to love the newest spin off A Senator’s Affair.”
The comment dissolved into a heated conversation about whether it’d be better than R2-D2’s preferred Forgotten Jedi Tales as they walked away.
Neither of them heard the bith turn to his friend and say, “I didn’t realize that was supposed to be a date.”