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The first time he and Janne spent a night together after all that happened felt…awkward.
They both danced around the things that happened, unable to meet each other’s eyes. Skirting around touch and anything that could cause confrontation. It was all pull aways and hidden secrets, things that both didn’t want to say or hear for fear what it could mean in the end.
It had been a while, but things still felt fresh, from the sting in Janne’s chest to the unshed tears in Yew’s eyes from Janne’s heated words.
The first time Janne had nudged his hand Yew had jerked away, freezing when he realized what he’d done.
They both avoided looking at each other for a few hours.
Janne quite liked the night.
It could keep you hidden and safe, curled in shadows in a corner where none could see or hurt you. But he didn’t like deafening darkness, the kind that swallowed him up in shadows and made him thrash about in fear of never being let go.
Yew liked the calm in brought, the ease of pen on paper when the candle and the moon lit up the room around him in gentleness.
He didn’t like the nightmares that true darkness brought, the kind that tugged at his chest and made him curl in on himself while trying to shut the world away.
They both found comfort and terror in the thing that could come over them.
It was much the same as they felt for each other.
Yew would swear up and down that he trusted Janne with his life, that was no lie, no matter how far they’d parted he knew he’d never fully let go of his connection to him.
Even when Janne had spat foul words at him for his birth and tried to impale him upon his sword.
But that didn’t mean all had left.
He still felt the fear wind up in his gut in the middle of the night when the shadows danced just right to look like a blade. And he couldn’t look Janne in the eye when the prior night visions of the death he caused his dearest friend laughed in his head.
But still, they tried.
Janne knew Yew still held an uncertainty much the same as him. Neither of them knew how to return to a routine broken by hate.
But still, they tried.
Yes, Yew had flinched away, taken his hand back.
But, he’d grabbed Janne’s hand with confidence later, held a tight grip he hoped showed his trust.
He didn’t fear the strength Janne possessed, instead he focused on the warmth.
The warmth Janne’s genuine smile brought him and the warmth of being so close again.
And Janne found himself holding ever tighter, forcing himself to be allowed something kind without the voice in his head taunting him for being selfish.
He was allowed this, to try, to have trust in Yew and he did him. He was allowed this.
Janne was allowed to pull Yew back to his side in a comfort they both needed.
After all, who else was going to fight off the ghosts that night?
But ghosts were nothing compared to the fear that welled in Janne’s chest when Yew had near demanded to share a bed again.
It wasn’t that he feared to vulnerable, nor the shadows that climbed Yew’s walls, but rather the fear of it all shattering the moment he gets it.
That when he finally falls asleep he’ll wake back up alone, forcing his hands from his head in a rage of what may have been.
It’s okay.
Yew pretends his heart isn’t twisting and that his gut doesn’t tell him that it’s too soon.
He pretends that Janne’s shape on his wall isn’t something that had dominated his sleep for months on end, dripping blood from the blade Yew held.
Or the venomous words his nightmares told him Janne thought true.
It was okay.
They laid beside each other, the pale light from the moon giving just enough to show. And maybe that helped, the gentler mood in the quiet of the night, something to help ease them into a sense that it was okay.
That this would work out.
And it’s Janne who holds Yew’s hand under the cover this time, just gentle, a trust that Yew won't fear to pull away.
He doesn’t, of course.
Instead, he shuffles closer, forcing himself to swallow his pounding heart and to let himself lay more comfortably against Janne.
It’s nostalgic, something Yew feels a fondness for.
And for a moment he can pretend nothing ever happened.
He can wrap his arms around Janne and sink into the warmth that is his skin, and Janne can make him feel protected with his arms curled around him in return.
And Yew can make him feel warm and worth it, can quell the little monster thoughts that begin to snap and swell.
But it’s okay.
They settle together fine, back together easily.
It’s too soon for ‘I love you’s.
Not yet, not until they can speak without looking away.
They just need some time.
But the comfort an embrace on a night like this brings is something they’re both completely willing to sink into.
And so they sleep.
And it’s okay.