Work Text:
“You didn’t,” said Pippin. “In the hayloft?”
“Where else?” said Merry. “I’m telling you, Pip, she just climbed right up there and spread her legs.”
“Why am I only hearing about this now?” said Pippin. “So did you – you know?”
“Firstly, you were fifteen at the time and it wouldn’t have been appropriate,” said Merry. “And secondly, no, we just –”
“Would you two stop?” Boromir, walking in front of them, halted so abruptly that Pippin walked square into him.
“Eh?” said Pippin. “Stop what?”
“We were just talking,” said Merry.
“Find something else to talk about,” said Boromir.
He said it with a distinctly authoritative note in his voice, as if this were the final word to be had ton the subject simply by virtue of it being his. Merry drew himself up to his full three and a half feet, and said, “no. If you don’t like it, go walk somewhere else.”
“Prude,” Pippin added. Merry hadn’t been going to say as much for fear it wasn’t polite, but he’d wanted to say it and so he nodded.
“I shall walk wheresoever I want,” said Boromir. “I shouldn’t have to listen to you regaling Peregrin with stories of every girl you’ve ever taken to bed.” Strictly speaking Merry hadn’t taken any of them to bed, but he didn’t say as much. “You’ll give him ideas.”
Before Merry could say anything – which was just as well, because he hadn’t the first idea what to say to that – Pippin said, “I’ve bedded girls.”
Merry said, “Pip,” in a warning tone but as ever Pippin didn’t listen.
“Honestly, I’m a tween, not an infant,” he went on. “I don’t need anyone giving me ideas.”
For a moment, Boromir glowered at them, mouth slightly open as if in shock. Then he said, “you’re as bad as each other,” and walked on.
“What, because we both enjoy a tumble in a hayloft?” said Merry, hastening after him.
“I’ve never done it in a hayloft,” said Pippin.
“Oh?” said Merry. “Weirdest place you’ve done it?”
“Back of a cabbage cart,” said Pippin.
“That sounds uncomfortable,” Merry remarked.
“My back ached for days,” said Pippin.
“Ooof,” said Merry.
At that, Boromir wheeled on them again. “I’d have thought you, at least, would be more responsible,” he said to Merry.
Merry looked at Pippin. Pippin looked mildly amused. Merry said, “eh?”
“What if you had got the girl pregnant?” said Boromir.
There were a number of possible responses he could give to that. Foremost amongst them, not likely the way we did it. He looked to Pippin, who looked about as baffled as he felt. Merry was sure they both had the same burning question, so he put voice to it. “Do you not have… contraception… in Gondor?”
“Excuse me?” said Boromir, which could have meant yes of course or absolutely not.
“Well, do you?” said Merry.
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Boromir.
“Medicines,” said Merry. “To stop girls getting… pregnant?” It felt absurd, explaining something to a big man like Boromir in little words as if he was a child. And it didn’t even seem to be working.
“My sisters use pennyroyal,” said Pippin.
“My Gammer used to swear by ginger root,” put in Sam from behind them.
“Oh, really?” said Pippin. “I didn’t know you could use ginger.”
Sam looked as if he was about to launch into a full history of contraceptive herbs and their use in the Shire, so Merry interceded. “What do girls in Gondor do when they don’t want to get pregnant?” he said.
“They control themselves,” said Boromir stiffly.
There was a stunned pause.
“What?” said Merry.
“Really?” said Pippin.
“And there I thought the Shire was boring,” said Merry.
“That’s awful,” said Pippin. “How do you cope?”
“In Gondor well-manned people wait until they’re wed,” said Boromir.
“Eh?” said Pippin. “You’re telling me you’d marry someone without having gone to bed with them?”
“Quiet, Pip,” said Merry.
“I’d never marry anyone I hadn’t bedded,” said Pippin, half muttering to himself.
Sam cleared his throat and the conversation went abruptly downhill. “Pardon me, Mister Boromir,” he said. “If you don’t want to be getting anyone pregnant why not just mess around with other lads?”
Merry snorted out a laugh. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Samwise,” he said – but Boromir talked clear over him.
“What?” he said.
“It’s the simplest way,” said Sam. “That’s what my old Gaffer told me, anyway. Samwise, he said, there’s nothing unmanly about two lads being together and don’t you –” Probably, Merry reflected, Sam hadn’t anticipated his words being at all shocking, let alone downright scandalising. Boromir looked all but mortally offended. “Well, anyway, that’s what he told me,” Sam finished.
“I never had that talk from my father,” said Pippin, sounding sorely disappointed. Which was fair enough, Merry supposed, as left to his own devices Pippin hadn’t realised boys were an option until he was into his tweens.
“That’s because your father was a gentlehobbit, Pip,” Merry consoled him.
“That’ll be it,” said Pippin.
“That’s unnatural,” said Boromir to Sam, and poor Sam looked for a moment as if he’d been slapped.
“There’s nothing unnatural about it,” said a voice behind him.
Last Merry knew, Frodo had been way up at the head of the party. He must have circled back around to see why they’d stopped and how much of the conversation he’d heard Merry didn’t know. Enough, most likely. There were very few subjects that got Frodo truly angry. One of them was people dog-earing the pages of his books. This was another.
There he stood, arms crossed, looking up at Boromir liked a disappointed parent. Who was more befuddled by his interruption Merry couldn’t say. The only person unruffled was Pippin.
“Hallo, Frodo!” he said. “I was just thinking of you.”
Frodo didn’t dignify that with a response. He kept up his furious stare. And now, as if things weren’t dire enough, the entire company was following him back up the path. What they thought was going on Merry couldn’t imagine. Nothing to see here, he wanted to say. Let’s all keep walking and talk about safer topics, like the end of the world.
“What’s all this?” said Aragorn.
“I was just wondering the same thing myself,” said Frodo.
Even Gandalf had come to join them. Merry weighed the matter up and decided he’d rather sit through his own sex talk from his own father a hundred more times than explain any part of the conversation to Gandalf.
The feeling, thankfully, seemed to be mutual. Even Boromir didn’t look at ease with the notion of explaining the situation. Merry opened his mouth to insist that everything was fine, thank you for asking, but before he could utter a word Pippin said, “well –”
“Pip, no,” said Merry, but it was too little too late.
“Merry was telling a perfectly good story about having a tumble with Dora Goodbody in a hayloft and then Boromir started telling him off and acting all prudish, and then he called Sam unnatural,” said Pippin all in one considerable breath.
“You’ve lost me,” said Gimli.
“I didn’t call anyone unnatural,” said Boromir.
“You did say unnatural, though,” said Sam, poor Sam, who still sounded hurt.
“You did,” said Frodo. “We all heard you.”
“And what did Sam have to do with any of this?” said Gandalf.
“Nothing,” said Sam. “I didn’t say nothing at all and certainly nothing about anything my Gaffer said to me.”
“He didn’t say anything offensive,” said Frodo. “Not to any reasonable person, anyway,” he added, looking sidelong at Boromir.
“I don’t understand,” said Legolas. “Who is this Dora Goodbody?”
“She’s just a lass back in the Shire,” said Merry. “Did you have to tell everyone about the hayloft, Pip? It’s my private business.”
“You were telling everyone,” said Sam.
“No, I was telling Pippin,” said Merry. “You were listening in on our private conversation.”
“You were talking about it awful loudly, Mister Merry,” said Sam.
“I could hear you,” said Legolas.
Whether or not he minded Merry couldn’t say. It was difficult to tell sometimes, with Legolas. All he could think to say in response was, “well, you’re an elf.”
“Can you hear everything all of us are saying all the time?” chipped in Pippin.
Legolas said, “yes,” which was sufficient to shut Pippin up, at least for a little while.
“I still don’t understand,” said Aragorn. “What were you arguing about?”
“We were not arguing,” said Boromir.
“We were just talking,” said Merry. “In a friendly manner. Loudly.”
“Then why is Sam so upset?” Aragorn motioned at Sam, who had busied himself rearranging Bill’s mane and muttering about what a good pony he was.
“Me, sir?” he said. “I’m not upset.”
“I am,” said Frodo. “I’m very upset.”
“Why are you upset?” said Aragorn.
“Because Boromir called Sam unnatural!” said Frodo.
Aragorn rubbed at his brows. “We’re going in circles.”
“I didn’t call him unnatural,” said Boromir.
“Arguably he called Sam’s father unnatural,” said Pippin, already recovered from the confusion of knowing that Legolas had heard every conversation he’d had with Merry since leaving Rivendell.
“That’s worse!” cried Gimli.
“It is worse,” Pippin agreed.
“What a dreadful thing to say,” said Gimli.
From the expression on Boromir’s face, it was only just now dawning on him that, as far as the rest of the company was concerned, he was the villain here.
“Did someone,” said Aragorn, evidently having decided to go back to the beginning and start over. “Call someone else unnatural?”
“Yes,” said Frodo.
“Absolutely not,” said Boromir.
Aragorn ignored them both. “What happened?” he said to Sam.
“Nothing happened, sir,” Sam said to Bill the pony. “I don’t know what’s going on, honest I don’t.”
“Sam, just tell him,” said Frodo.
Sam wavered, caught between a rock and a hard place. What he would have done Merry wasn’t sure at all. It was probably just as well Pippin jumped in when he did.”
“Sam was just saying that his father says the best way to avoid getting anyone pregnant is to go to bed with other lads,” he said. “And Boromir said that’s unnatural –” he put on an unreasonably gruff voice, “– and that’s when Frodo came in.”
“Thank you, Pippin,” said Aragorn as Sam hid his face in Bill’s neck. “That was very helpful.”
“If anything I’d say that raises further questions,” said Gimli. “Was this before or after Merry told his story about the hayloft?”
“After,” said Legolas.
“No no, I’m still lost,” said Gimli. “Why did any of this start an argument?”
That all of them were at a loss to explain. Merry looked at the clouds and Boromir looked at his boots and Sam petted Bill sweetly and mumbled nothing in particular.
“You know what I think?” said Pippin. “I think Boromir’s just jealous because we’re having more sex than him.”
Boromir said, “how dare you –” about the same moment as Merry said, “Pippin, shut up.” Aragorn said something that sounded like an admonishment but Merry wasn’t sure because Boromir was jabbing a finger at Pippin and saying something about how insolent he was which was, in turn, drowned out by a roar of laughter from Gimli.
Frodo said to Boromir, “don’t talk to him like that,” which mean he was truly furious, if he as willing to let what Pippin had said slide, and fortunately Boromir was too busy shouting himself to listen, having now turned his ire on Gimli for laughing.
Aragorn told Gimli to stop laughing but it didn’t help and Gimli laughing soon set Legolas off which didn’t help matters. Pippin, meanwhile, stood amidst the chaos with an expression of puzzled innocence, as if to say, who, me? What did I say?
“Alright!” said Gandalf, banging his staff on the ground. “Everyone – quiet.”
Everyone went quiet.
“I think I understand what’s happened,” said Gandalf.
“You’re three steps ahead of me, my friend,” said Aragorn.
“Gimli, Legolas, please control yourselves,” said Gandalf. “Sam,” he went on, reaching down to pat Sam’s shoulder. “Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve done nothing wrong. Meriadoc, kindly stop talking about your sex life for the remainder of the journey.”
“Aww,” said Merry.
“Pippin,” said Gandalf, “no talking at all for at least the next mile. Then we shall review.”
“What?” said Pippin. “That’s not fair.”
“That’s one mark,” said Gandalf. “You get three. Now shut up.”
Pippin shut up.
“Boromir,” said Gandalf.
“Me?” said Boromir.
“Apologise to Samwise,” said Gandalf.
Boromir’s mouth fell open as if to protest, but Gandalf’s tone was so stern that he swiftly closed it again. He looked down at Sam. Sam looked up at Boromir. “I’m – very sorry,” said Boromir.
Merry tried his luck. “Forrr?” he prompted.
“I’m very sorry,” said Boromir. “That I – implied – unintentionally – that you or your father was unnatural.”
“That’s alright, really,” said Sam.
“Very good,” said Gandalf. “And please do try not to be so judgemental about other cultures in future.”
“Yeah!” said Pippin.
“Two marks, Peregrin Took,” said Gandalf.
Pippin looked stricken. He turned to Merry in desperation.
“What happens if he gets to three?” said Merry.
“We’ll see,” said Gandalf darkly. “And Frodo – please calm down.”
“No, I will not,” said Frodo.
“Please do calm down, Frodo,” said Gandalf.
More likely than not, Merry realised, Gandalf also knew that this was one of the few subjects to provoke genuine rage in Frodo. Quite how he knew that Merry couldn’t imagine.
“Fine,” said Frodo icily, but he didn’t show any sign of calming down.
“What I still don’t understand,” said Boromir to Frodo, “is why you’re angry.”
“You hurt Sam’s feelings,” said Frodo. “And you called me unnatural.”
“I had no intention of –” Boromir halted, fully processing what Frodo had actually said. “I didn’t call you unnatural,” he said.
“Yes, you did,” said Frodo. “By extension. Good-bye.” So saying, he turned on his heel and marched away downhill.
“You did, you know,” said Gandalf, and followed him. The rest of the party went trailing after.
“C’mon, Bill,” said Sam, leading the pony past them.
“I’m very confused,” said Boromir.
“I’m not,” said Merry. “How about you, Pip? Oh, that’s right, you can’t talk.” He heaved a deep sigh. “Well, I don’t have any other topics of conversation and Pippin’s been struck dumb so I suppose you’ll have to keep me entertained, Boromir.”
“Are all halflings as broad-minded as you?” said Boromir as they walked on, Pippin stomping behind them, trying to make as much noise as possible with his feet in order to compensate for his silence state.
“No, some of them are utter prudes,” said Merry. “Do lads really not mess around with other lads in Gondor?”
“Of course not,” said Boromir.
“Really?” said Merry. “Not even when there’s no lasses around?”
“No,” said Boromir.
“What about when you’re off in the wilderness with the other warriors?” said Merry. “And you’ve been gone weeks and weeks? And you’re getting all antsy? Not even then?”
“Absolutely not,” said Boromir. “I don’t like what you’re implying.”
“I wasn’t implying anything,” said Merry. “Just asking. Anyhow, giving another lad a hand doesn’t even count as bedding. Right, Pippin?”
Pippin said nothing, not even a hum of agreement, but he nodded.
Boromir shot the pair of them an odd look. “You have you two,” he said, “ever…”
“Ever what?” said Merry. Then he caught Boromir’s meaning. “What?”
Pippin, getting it a moment later, looked scandalised.
“That’s disgusting,” said Merry. “We’re cousins. I can’t believe you’d ask me that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with cousins going to bed together,” said Boromir. “Two of my cousins are married.”
Merry looked at Pippin. Pippin stared at Boromir, appalled.
“That’s hideous,” said Merry. “That’s just – ugh. I’m going to walk somewhere else. C’mon, Pippin.”
He sauntered off down the hill, Pippin shooting Boromir one last look and following at his heels. “Big people, eh?” said Merry to Pippin once they were on down the path.