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Go, be yourself, on your way
And don’t ever look back
To check if I’m okay
And don’t ever be sad
That you chose him instead
‘Cause I don’t want regrets
And I’d rather be rid of it
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“His name is Daniel.”
It was raining again; the chilly September air seemed to seep into his bones. That’s why he had suggested that they go for coffee after practice. Except, well it wasn’t really practice anymore; they had officially retired from competition in July, but they still liked to go to the rink early in the mornings, work on old routines and come up with new ideas for Stars On Ice. Now they were sitting in a quiet, nearly empty coffee shop, neither of them really talking. He was watching people out of the window when Tessa’s voice broke through the haze in his mind.
“Scott… Scott… earth to Scott, you still in there?” Tessa’s face moved into his line of sight, her neck angled so she could look him in the eye, her hand reaching across the table to grab his.
He smiled at her sheepishly, “Sorry kiddo, I zoned out for a bit. What were you saying?”
“I said that his name is Daniel,” She replied, eyes searching his for recognition, “The guy that I was telling you about.”
The thing was, he couldn’t remember her talking about any guy. Tessa, who was able to know exactly what Scott was thinking, started explaining before he could respond. “Scott, come on, I told you about him last week. I met him at the gym after our rink time Monday. He’s an accountant at MNP, he’s my age, he’s really nice, I think you’d like him.”
“That’s nice T but why are you telling me this?” He responded.
Tessa paused before responding, “Well he uh… he asked me out Scott… and I said yes.”
He asked her out. She said yes. Her eyes were searching his, looking for… what was she looking for? Approval? Objection? He wasn’t sure if he could honestly give her either. Someone has asked her out, he was supposed to be happy right? Happy for your best friend who you absolutely are not dating no matter what the Internet says. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t happy. But how do you tell your best friend that. How do you say “Hey Tessa I don’t think you should go out with him cause I would like to go out with you instead?” No, no he couldn’t do that.
He smiled at her, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “That’s great Tess! Seriously that’s awesome, do you know what the plans are yet?”
Her eyes seemed to dim. Her smile mirrored Scott’s own, not quite reaching her eyes, “You really think it’s okay?”
“Of course T, why wouldn’t I?” He replied.
“I don’t know I just thought… well never mind what I thought.” She forces out a laugh, “but no he hasn’t told me anything other than were getting dinner Thursday.”
He smiles at her, “Well as long as you don’t cook it, I’m sure it’ll go great.” He downs the rest of his coffee and stands up, “Come on T, let’s get you home while this rain is calm.” He reaches over and grabs her hand as she stands up, all thoughts of Daniel already gone from their minds.
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And when you want someone who'll care
Who will know how you feel
When you don't wanna share
Who will show you support
When you've lost your meaning
Just remember this time
When you chose not to be with me
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He was slowly stroking around the rink when Tessa showed up. He had started helping coach at Gadbois, even taking on two junior teams himself. They had to leave early the next morning for Worlds so he had cut practice a little short. Didn’t want to tire them out when they had a long day of traveling ahead of them. He had texted Tessa after everyone had left telling her that the rink was open if she wanted to come over. She had responded almost instantly with an “already in the car” but he knew she had just woken up. Tessa and mornings had never agreed, even if it was already 8:30.
She showed up around 9, bursting through the doors and flashing him a smile. Her hair was tied up in a bun and she didn’t have any makeup on and yet this was his favorite version of her. He missed early morning practices where the lights were too bright and the rink was to cold; where neither of them would talk to each other until 11 because he knew she couldn’t handle it. He missed getting to see her everyday, skate with her everyday. He missed lacing up his skates and taking her hand and skating for hours on end everyday. He missed her.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard the boards opening or Tessa skating up to him. It wasn’t until a hand slid into his own that he even realized she was there.They didn’t say anything, didn’t need to. 21 years of skating together made it easy to know what the other was thinking, on the rink and off.
They slowly started picking up speed, working on a few easy lifts, stuff they had been able to do since their teens. It wasn’t until their first water break that they finally started talking.
“So I was thinking, how about for Stars On Ice this year,” he paused to be dramatic, “we bring back Hip Hip Chin Chin.”
Tessa barked out a sharp laugh and Scott just grinned at her, pleased that he could still surprise her after 21 years.
“Absolutely not Moir, you promised me some Hall and Oates, I think it’s about time I cashed in on that.” She replied.
Scott groaned, “I never promised such a thing, I would never.”
“Oh but you did, and I have it on tape, you remember your birthday celebration last September? Well YOU promised ME that I could finally have my Hall and Oates skate,” she paused, “Don’t deprive me of my Hall and Oates Moir.”
He stared at her. She stared at him. Scott stubborn enough to not skate to Hall and Oates no matter how much she asked. Except she wasn’t asking, and she was looking at him with those eyes. Those gorgeous green eyes that goddammit he couldn’t say no to. His shoulders slumped and his eyes closed, groaning.
“Fine! Fine, after 21 years… I guess… I guess we can do a Hall and Oates skate.” Tessa was beaming at him, her eyes lit up, and this was all he really wanted right? Tessa happy? He smiled back at her, “I’m assuming you already have a song picked out?”
“Oh no I didn’t think you’d actually agree to it!” She exclaimed.
“Well do you want to come to my place after we’re done here? We could listen to some stuff, try and work on some choreography.” Scott asked.
Her eyes widened, “Oh uh… no I uh… I actually can’t today, I told Daniel I would meet him for lunch at 1.”
He felt his eyebrows raise, “Daniel? I uh… I didn’t realize you guys were still dating.”
She looked at him, slowly, taking his features in. “Yeah our six months is coming up pretty soon actually, I think he wants to do something but I don’t know, it seems weird to do something special for six months.”
“No,” he exclaimed, and she jumped. “Uh that sounds fun. Its always fun to do something on an anniversary, even just six months.”
She looked surprised, “You think? I’m not sure…”
“It’d be fun Tess, I’m sure Daniel will plan something good.” He smiled at her, encouragingly, reassuringly, fake.
“Yeah okay, sure, I’m sure it’ll be great.” She paused. “How much time do we have until we have to be out of here?”
Scott looked at his phone, “We’ve got about an hour left kiddo, let’s get some ice time yeah?” Scott held his hand out for her and she grabbed on, her pinky finger slipping in between his pointer and middle finger. He smiled at her, his face softening, hers doing the same until they were just gazing into each other’s eyes. Scott moved forward, placed a kiss on Tessa’s forehead, and the two turned to skate around the rink again, hands still clasped together.
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And I tried to defend
How I thought we would play out
I came and confessed
That I love you more than he does
So choose me instead
Oh choose me instead 'cause
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The pounding woke him up; he jerked in his bed and looked at his clock. 3am? What asshole comes pounding on his door sounding like he’s going to break in at 3 in the morning? He stumbled out of bed, threw on the closest shirt he could find and made his way down the hallway, throwing his door open ready to yell at whoever was out there before –
“Tessa?”
She was standing outside his door, bundled up in a ridiculous amount of clothes, a toque on and a blanket wrapped around her. Her eyes were red from crying, her cheeks wet with the tears. He didn’t waste a second grabbing her and hauling her into his apartment. He herded her into his living room and down onto the couch and headed to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. By the time he came back she had stopped crying and was simply sitting there playing with her hands, her eyes glued to the floor.
“Tessa? Do you want to talk about it?” He passed over the mug, which she accepted gratefully.
A barely heard whisper, “Not really.”
“Tess… this is the third time you’ve shown up at my door in the middle of the night crying this month, something is obviously wrong.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in.
When she showed no inclination of responding he continued. “Is it Daniel?”
Judging by the sharp breath she took in, which he felt more than he heard, he knew that’s what it was.
He was combing a hand through her hair when he said, “Tessa, is he… is he hitting you?”
She sat up abruptly at that, “No! No he’s not… he’s not hitting me, it’s just,” she sighed and curled back into Scott, “I don’t want to talk about it. Not tonight.”
He let her relax back into him, his fingers back to carding through her hair, wrapping his other arm tighter around her. When she finished her hot chocolate he stood up and set the mug on the table, and simply picked her up and walked to his room. He set her down on his bed and went to search through his drawers for a shirt and some sweatpants for her to sleep in. He left her to change and went to the kitchen to grab some water. When he got back Tessa was already under the covers, the right side of the bed left open for him.
He crawled in and had barely laid down before she was curling into his side. Her arms wrapped around his waist, her head settled on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her back, drawing her in tighter. They lay there for a while, awake, neither saying a word, simply breathing each other in.
It was a while before he felt her fall asleep, her breathing evened and her body relaxed. He moved one hand to her hair, running his fingers through the dark strands just like he had on the couch.
His voice barely above a whisper he started talking, “I love you so much Tessa. So much that it sometimes it hurts, it feels like I can’t breathe unless you’re around me.” He took in a shuddering breath, “I can’t… I can’t watch you be with him, please don’t be with him.” He sighed, “Maybe one day I’ll have the balls to say this to your face eh? Tell you how much you actually mean to me.”
Fighting sleep, wanting to keep this feeling of Tessa asleep on his chest forever, of being completely wrapped up in each other. However, it wasn’t long before he fell asleep, words still falling from his lips.
“I love you”
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He's not good enough for you
He's not good enough for you
He won't do the things that I would do
He's not good enough for you
He's not good enough to be
Even half as good as he should be
And I watch you choose him instead of me
Watch you choose him instead of me
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It was several months later before Daniel showed up at his door. A sharp knock that broke him out of his reverie. He paused the game, the Leafs were losing anyways, to go answer it, and was shocked to see Daniel on the other side.
“Hey man, can I come inside?” Daniel asked.
“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Scott moved off to the side to let him in, “Come on in.”
They stood in the hallway awkwardly, neither one really looking at the other.
It was Daniel that finally broke the silence, “So listen, I don’t want to be over here long but I just wanted to talk to you about Tessa.”
Scott’s eyebrows shot up. “Tessa? What’s the matter? Is she okay? Is she hurt?”
Daniel’s jaw locked, his eyes seemed to harden, “No, but it’s that reaction that made me want to come over here in the first place.”
Scott, even more confused now, didn’t reply, but waited for Daniel to say whatever he needed to get out.
“Listen, I appreciate who are to Tessa, I know you’re her best friend of 22 years, but I think it’s about time that you guys step back from each other.” Daniel stopped to take a break, “It’s just that Tessa is always spending time with you and she’s always at the rink with you and she’s canceling plans to be with you and honestly I’m a little confused on who she’s actually dating.”
"Daniel, were not dating, Tessa and I have never crossed that line,” Scott replied.
Daniel’s reply came across quick and sharp, “Just because you never crossed that line doesn’t mean you didn’t want to. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to now.”
Scott drew in a sharp breath, “I don’t think I appreciate what you’re insinuating.”
“You don’t have to appreciate it if it’s the truth.” Daniel’s words landed like a blow to the gut.
Scott straightened, “Do you want to know how many times I’ve had to take care of her after one of your guys’ fights? She may not want to tell me what they’re about but I do know one thing, you’re not the man for her.”
Daniel raised an eyebrow, seemingly unfazed, “Oh and you are the man for her?”
Scott moved the doorway and opened the door, “I think its time for you to go.”
Daniel brushed past him on the way out, but Scott grabbed his arm, “She loves you, so I won’t tell her about this little conversation we just had. But know that if you ever say anything like that to me again, all I have to do call her and you’re gone.” Scott let go and slammed the door shut before Daniel could say anything else.
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Go be in love I don't care
But don't ever pretend
That we're both unaware cause
The truth is that you still permit me to be
Close enough that I know
That you don't want me to leave
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“Hey Tess,” He ran to catch up with her before she entered the rink, “Hey so Jeff called me today, wants to know if were doing Stars on Ice this year. I know were in our 30’s now, but it’d be fun to go again eh? Andrew said that him and Kaitlyn are going, and Chiddy might be going. Besides we only have one more before they replace us with the new Olympic stars.”
He stopped and turned to grin at Tessa, but it was then that he noticed that she wasn’t looking at him.
He stepped forward and grabbed her hand, “Tess? Is everything okay?”
She looked up at him, and he couldn’t help but notice how sad she looked. Her skin was pale, paler than normal, her eyes dim… this wasn’t his normal Tessa. This wasn’t that Tessa that he had come to know and love and cherish.
She tried to smile at him, but it came out more as a grimace. “Daniel told me that he booked a trip for us in April. We’re going to Paris. He said he wanted to treat me. I was going to tell you as soon as you got here today.”
His hand dropped from hers. “Oh… well, that’s no big deal, I can just call Jeff and tell him we’re a no go for this year. Besides, we’ll still be relevant next year.” He bumps her shoulder with his. “It’s a shame though, I was going to let you pick another Hall and Oates song.”
Her head whipped up to his, her eyes scanning his face, “You were not!” He tried not to smile at her, but failed terribly. She shook her head and started laughing, and his face split into a smile, eyes crinkling, laughing with her.
They headed into the rink together, sitting on the bench right next to each other. They took their time lacing up their skates and getting ready until both of them stepped out onto the ice together.
Tessa turned to look at Scott before speaking. “We still on for movie night tonight?”
Scott didn’t hesitate to answer. “Of course we are Tutu, I would never miss a movie night.”
“Good because it’s my turn to pick, and we’re watching Pride and Prejudice.” She skated away from him before he could grab onto her.
“Tessaaaaa,” he dragged her name out like it pained him.
She turned around to wink at him before laughing, twirling around the rink.
He stood and watched her for several minutes. She already looked better, her eyes shining again, back to her usual paleness, her hair flying around her. She tipped her head back, the bright lights from the rink making her look angelic.
She turned to look at him. “You joining me Moir or do I have to start skating by myself?”
Scott smiled and took off across the rink, reaching her in seconds and throwing her over his shoulder. Their laughter was the only thing that could be heard for the next hour.
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And then I remember he's there
And he's been there for years
At your side like a stain
And when I see you with him
In your eyes there's a pain
And it's trapped you inside
Like you can't get away
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“Hey how is Tessa doing?” Danny’s voice could be heard through the speakerphone.
“She’s good, busy taking over the world, you know,” Scott laughed. “She’s coming over for supper tonight. I can call you when she gets here if you or the kids want to talk to her.”
“No, no that’s okay man, we’re pretty busy tonight but just tell her we said hi and that we miss her.” His voice trailed off for a couple seconds before finally picking back up, “How’s Daniel?”
How’s Daniel? That’s really the question isn’t it? It’s not like Scott talked to him, hasn’t ever made the effort. He supposed that he should but after he showed up on his doorstep accusing him of exactly what he wanted, well he hasn’t really made an effort to be friends with the guy. It’s not like Tessa pushed them together either, they had always, typically, kept their distance from the others significant other’s. Kaitlyn had been the only exception in their 23 years of knowing each other.
“He’s alright I guess, I don’t talk to the guy.” Scott finally replied.
“And Tessa, she’s happy with him?” Danny asked.
“Yeah, yeah man she’s happy. They’ve had their fights but they’ve been together for almost,” Scott paused to think, “2 years now, so yeah she’s happy.”
Danny’s reply came quick. “And you? Are you happy Scott?”
Scott stopped. “I… yeah, yeah I’m happy Danny, I’m happy.”
“Why haven’t you dated anyone then Scott?” Danny’s voice sounded more like an accusation than question.
Scott sighed. “Danny… come on man don’t start this.”
“I’m not starting anything Scott, I’m simply asking a question,” Danny paused. “Why haven’t you dated anyone Scott? It’s been, what 5, 6 years since Kaitlyn?”
Scott dropped his head into his hands, his phone on the table in front of him. It was several minutes before he replied, his voice small and quiet. “You know why Danny.”
He could hear Danny release a breath. “You need to tell her man, before it’s too late.”
“It’s already too late,” Scott let out a shaky breath. “It’s already too late.”
“It’s not too late Scott you can still-” Danny tried to say before Scott interrupted him.
“I can’t, I can’t tell her man. She loves Daniel, she… she loves him. And yeah sure they fight but so does every other couple. And they’ve been together for 3 years and how do I just show up and go “Oh hey Tessa how are you today? Also I’ve been in love with you probably since I was 9 but I didn’t realize it until I was 28 and –” Scott choked up as he felt a tear slide down his face and watched it hit the table. “I can’t tell her Danny, she doesn’t deserve that.”
“Scott, oh Scotty, I… you need to tell her buddy. You can’t keep this all bottled up for the rest of your life.” Danny’s voice was quiet, sad, as if he himself could feel the tears Scott was trying to stop.
Scott sighed and wiped his face. “I can’t… I can’t tell her. She loves Daniel.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. “She loves him, and she deserves someone who makes her happy.”
“You make her happy Scott! Can’t you see that? It was always you and Tessa against the world and everyone, even mom, thought that in the end it would stay that way. That when you stopped skating you two would finally, finally, realize just how in love you guys were… are.” His voice was sure and strong, as if he knew that Tessa was just as in love with Scott as Scott was with her.
Scott let out a breath. “She doesn’t love me Danny, not like I love her. I can’t risk telling her, and her not feeling the same. I can’t lose her Danny, I can’t lose her.”
“Scott, you wouldn’t lose her, you know that right? Even if on the off chance that she doesn’t feel the same, she’ll never leave you.”
“Danny… just drop it please,” Scott’s voice was small, “just leave it alone.”
“Yeah… okay baby brother, I’ll drop it. For now.” Danny sighed. “I’ve got to go, but call me soon okay? I love you.”
“I love you too Danny.” Scott replied, and then hung up the phone. A few seconds later his doorbell rang; Scott stood up, straightened his shirt and made sure he didn’t look like he had been crying before opening his door.
He was shocked to see Tessa on the other side, even more shocked when he could tell that she had been crying.
“Tessa? What’s happening? Is it Daniel again?” Scott asked rapidly, grabbing onto her and pulling her into his apartment and into his arms.
She let out a sad laugh. “No, it’s… it’s okay. Sometimes he just doesn’t listen you know? And I get frustrated and I thought since I was already coming over here for supper I could just come over a little earlier, if that’s okay?”
“Of course its okay T, you know I’ll always want you around.” Scott replied.
She finally tipped her head up to look at Scott, and of course she knew him just a well as he knew her, “You’ve been crying! Oh Scott what’s wrong?” Her hands moved up to flutter across his face, brushing away the tear stains on his cheeks.
“It’s nothing T, I just got off the phone with Danny, he says hi by the way, and we just got to talking about some stuff,” Scott smiled at her. “We’re quite the pair eh?”
Tessa laughed and moved so that his arm was around her shoulders so that they could walk to the living room. “Come on, I want to watch a movie.”
Tessa picked up Scott’s remote while Scott kept his eyes on her. “What movie did you have in mind?”
Tessa turned and looked up at him, lifting the remote to her mouth and speaking into it, “The Notebook.” She smiled at him as it pulled up. “You know you love this movie.”
They settled back onto the couch and Scott pulled a blanket down to cover them both. It wasn’t until Noah started speaking that Scott replied, “Anything for you T.”
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And I tried to defend
How I thought we would play out
I came and confessed
That I love you more than he does
So choose me instead
Oh choose me instead cause
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It was summer, and he had time away from the rink, from coaching, so he packed up some clothes and headed home. His parents were throwing a Canada Day celebration and both of his brothers and their families were driving in for it. He was ready to relax, to joke around with his family and his friends, some of whom he hadn’t seen in years. He’d have to head back to Montreal soon, his teams had started to pick out music and were beginning to choreograph for the upcoming season. However, in true Canadian spirit, he had given them all the week off to be with their families.
Tessa was spending half the week with Daniel, and would be driving all day the day before Canada Day so that she could make it to the party.
He hated the thought of her driving all of that by herself, especially with all the holiday drivers. He had told her to text him updates on where she was and how she was doing, and to call him if she got bored. She had just laughed and pushed him into his car saying she’d update him, if necessary.
That was five days ago. Tessa hadn't called or texted him at all during her drive the day before. She had only sent the one text: "Going to go to my parents first, and I'll probably just stay there. I'll see you tomorrow <3"
He wasn’t nervous, per say, but he knew that something was wrong. He didn’t want to push her, was willing to let her have the space she needed right now. He had replied: “Sounds good, I’ll see you tomorrow Tutu”.
Now it was tomorrow, and he was helping his parents set up for the party. Old tables and chairs were being brought out, the grill was fired up, people were slowly making their way into the backyard. The Virtues’ showed up several hours later, and he made a beeline straight for Tessa.
He wasn’t the first to get to her.
“Tessa,” he heard his mom say, “Is that a ring I see?”
Scott stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes flashing down to her hand where it sat. Right there on her left hand, catching the light around them. A big fat diamond on her ring finger.
Tessa stood stock still, staring at Scott, waiting to see his reaction. His mom had gotten up and was now standing next to her. She was holding Tessa’s hand in her own. “Tessa, sweetie, this is gorgeous, Joe come look at this.”
His brothers wives had ventured over to look at it, all the children wanted a look. Her hand being passed around, while they both just stood there, staring into each other’s eyes.
If anyone noticed that Tessa didn’t say anything about the ring, they didn’t say anything.
If anyone noticed that Scott went into the house instead of to Tessa, they didn’t say anything.
If anyone noticed that Tessa hardly spoke for the rest of the night, they didn’t say anything.
If anyone noticed that both Tessa and Scott seemed to be avoiding each other, they didn’t say anything.
It wasn’t until hours later that they both finally talked. The sun had set, and everyone was busy setting up for the fireworks, and Scott was sitting out on the lawn, away from everyone else.
Tessa walked over, and sat down next to him, laid her right hand down on top of his and laced her fingers through his. They both sat there for a while, neither wanted to break the silence. Heads tilted to the night sky to watch the fireworks going off.
“Scott,” Tessa started, her voice soft, “you know… you know I love you right?”
He turned his head to look at her, his voice equally as soft and quiet. “Of course I know that Tess, I love you too. No matter what.”
She nodded. “I know that, I just, I feel the need to tell you again. I’m never going to leave you Scott.”
His jaw clenched and he turned his head back up to the sky, eyes closed, but you are he wanted to say. But no, that wasn’t fair, wasn’t fair to Tessa. He hadn’t given her any inclination of how he truly felt. She nudged his shoulder with her own and he turned his head back to face her. Her eyes were searching his, trying to dig out the truth. His truth. Don’t marry him. Be with me, marry me, love me.
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then flipped his hand over in hers so they could hold hands then how they normally do, pinky finger slipped in between his pointer and middle finger. He raised their hands to his mouth, kissed the back of her hand, and then put his arm around her shoulder, hands still interlocked.
He turned his head back to the sky, watched the explosions of red and gold, felt her lay her head on his shoulder, her own eyes trained on the sky as well.
He squeezed her hand. “Together, Tess”
He felt her freeze before moving so her body was curled closer to his own.
“Together.”
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He's not good enough for you
He's not good enough for you
He won't do the things that I would do
He's not good enough for you
He's not good enough to be
Even half as good as he should be
And I watch you choose him instead of me
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He was sitting in a chair, everything in the room white, or another type of light white color. Cream. Beige. Traditional wedding colors. He had shown up 10 minutes ago, even though the wedding didn’t start for another hour and a half. He was dressed in a suit and had wandered down the hallways until he found her dressing room. He had knocked on the door and Jordan had immediately ushered the rest of the bridesmaids and mothers out before leaving Scott and Tessa to themselves.
He sat there, looking around while Tessa sat at the vanity doing her makeup. “20 years of doing my own makeup before competitions, I can do it myself before my wedding,” she had said. Except this was so different from a competition, so different from traveling the world and getting ready in locker rooms with 20 other women. He wasn’t in the men’s locker room getting ready, instead he sat here uncomfortably on a too small chair and watched her do her eye shadow.
Neither of them had talked since he came in, he simply sat there and watched her finish her makeup. Another 10 minutes had passed before she finally put her brushes down and stood up.
She walked over to the closet where her dress was hanging, still covered, and took it down off the hook. She turned and looked at him and held the dress a little higher, “Help me into my dress?”
Scott nodded, stood up and walked over to her. She handed him the dress and began to unbutton her shirt and shimmy out of her pants. Once she’s completely undressed, except for her underwear – they grew up in changing rooms and fitting room, he’s seen her like this hundreds of times yet now it feels much more intimate – she turns back to Scott who begins to unzip the bag and take the dress out.
She slips into it easily, it’s long, pure white and lacy all the way down. Strapless except for a few lace flowers around the shoulder, it curves into the waist and all the way down to her knees where it flares out. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.
His hands run up her back, slowly zipping her in, stopping at her neck. His hands rest there for a few moments, before slowly sliding back down her arms. They’re both standing there, in front of the mirror, staring at his hands running along her body.
It slips out of his mouth before he can stop it. “Are you taking his last name?”
Her eyes snap up to meet his in the mirror. “What? No… no I’m not taking his last name. Virtue is so tied into who I am and into my career that I don’t think I could get rid of it… plus Cohen and Moir sounds a little weird doesn’t it?” She gives him a little smile reflected in the mirror.
They stand there for a few minutes in silence. His left hand is on her lower back, their right hands wrapped together.
“It should be me.” He mumbles out. He feels her freeze.
She looks up to meet his eyes, but he doesn’t look up to meet hers. “What?”
He lets out a shuddering breathe before continuing. “Me… it should be me Tess.” He looks up to see her staring at him. “It should be me out there, getting ready, it should be me standing at the end of that aisle waiting for you to walk down. It should be me that you’re marrying. It should be me that you wake up to every morning and me who brings you breakfast in bed and me who carries you through the door of our first house and me who loves you. It should be me. For the rest of our lives it should be me.”
He pauses before continuing. “It should be me that fathers your children and me that wakes up in the middle of the night to take care of them and me that drives them to skating practice and us. Us that grow old together and watch our children grow old together and watch Jeopardy everyday until we’re 80, just like we said we would. Us that goes back to the Olympics to watch and support, and us that skate together for the rest of our lives Tessa. I love you Tessa, so so so incredibly much. It feels like it’s consumed my entire being and I can’t breathe without you and… and I love you, I’m in love with you.”
He’s panting by the end of it, the words seem to burn and choke on the way out, tears swell in his eyes and slide down his cheeks and he can see the tears building in her eyes.
“Scott, Scott you can’t,” she chokes out.
Frantic now, “I’m so sorry Tessa, I’m so sorry I should’ve told you this years ago but you have to know, you have to know before you go out there and marry him.”
“God Scott you can’t do this to me now!” Tears are threatening to run down her face. “You can’t spring all of this on me now, you had years to tell me this, to stop me.”
“I know, I know Tess don’t you think I know that? I just, I wanted you to be happy.” His eyes are searching her own, for approval, or objection, he wasn’t sure if she could honestly give him either.
Her voice breaks. “I would’ve been happy with you.”
He spins her around in his arms so that they’re standing face to face. Pain and anguish written all over their faces, tears in their eyes so close to spilling over, both breathing heavily, arms clutching onto each other, as if afraid to let go.
“I didn’t, I didn’t know Tess. I had no idea. I couldn’t risk it, I couldn’t risk losing you.” His breathe fans across her face, eyes searching her own.
She whispers his name and then his lips are on hers.
The kiss is needy, full of emotion, both of them saying 24 years worth of words and feelings that neither could speak themselves. 24 years of I love you’s and I’m in love with yous; I’m afraid to lose you, I don’t want anyone else, please please please love me.
Scott can feel tears running down his face, his and Tessa’s mixed together, can taste the salt on his tongue, searing him to the bone. It’s hot and heavy, needy and desperate, they’re tugging at one another. As if trying to pull the other into their own body and never leave, never let go.
Tessa pushes at his chest but he doesn’t go far, no more then an inch of space between them, foreheads resting together, panting. Tears are still running down both of their faces, and Scott brings his hands up to try and wipe them off her face.
“I can’t do this Scott.” His eyes fly to hers, bright green from her tears. Her face is flushed and her makeup is ruined. She shakes her head and pries herself out of his arms, taking several steps back, “I can’t do this.”
He takes a step towards her, arms out to grab onto her again but she takes a step back to avoid him. She wraps her arms around herself and looks down. “Tessa I– “
She stops him before he can say anything. “Scott… I waited years for you,” she looks up at him again, letting him see the pain on her face, the way her eyes are broken. “I waited years for you to say something, to say anything. Not just about Daniel, but… I’ve been in love with you for years you know, I don’t even know when it happened or how long its been but I’ve been so in love with you for my whole life Scott and I kept waiting for you to say something, to tell me that you loved me but you never did. You never did. And so I thought that you didn’t feel that way about me and I met Daniel and I tried so hard to bury my feelings for you and there were so many times I thought that maybe, just maybe you would say something…”
She pauses to look up him, eyes searing into his own, staring into his soul. “But you never did. And now you tell me all of this, on today of all days when I’m about to walk down the aisle and get married to another man and I finally got you out of my system, I finally stopped thinking that you felt as I did, and I love Daniel I do, I swear I do, but I… you… Scott,” She’s choking on her tears now and Scott is standing there watching her, tears rushing down his face, not breathing, not moving. “Scott I can’t do this. You can’t do this to me.”
He surges forward, one arm pulling her into him and the other bent to try and wipe the tears from her face. She crashes into his body, sobs wracking her as she buries her face into his shirt. His arms wrap around her, pulling her tighter to him than ever before, his head resting on the top of hers, crying into her hair.
Neither of them know how long they stay there, but it’s a while before either of them calm down enough to separate. They don’t move far, arms still wrapped around each other.
“You have to go Scott.” She looks up at him and sighs. “You have to go.”
He doesn’t say anything, his jaw clenched, eye’s stuck on Tessa’s, begging, pleading.
She shakes her head at him and he knows.
He pulls his arms back and steps away from her, she takes a few steps back as well, until her back hits the vanity and she turns, sliding down into the chair.
He makes his way over to the chair he had been sitting in previously, white, everything is so white, and picks up his jacket before heading to the door. He pauses before opening it and turns around to see her already staring at him.
They take each other in. Scott, with tears still escaping to slide down his face, his shirt rumpled and covered in tearstains. Tessa, in her immaculate white dress, with her hair rumpled and unruly, her makeup a mess, mascara running down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry Tessa, I truly am.”
She looks up at him, “I know you are Scott, for what it’s worth I am too.”
He walks back over quickly, bending down to kiss her on top of her head and whispers, “I love you.”
When he pulls back her eyes are closed, she whispers back to him, “I love you too.”
He heads over to the door and opens it, and when he turns to look at her one last time before shutting it again her eyes are still closed.
He stumbles down to the bathroom, avoids talking to anyone or even looking at anyone. He stands at the sink for a while, breathing heavily and trying to calm down. He splashes some water on his face and looks up at his reflection.
He sees the shell of a man staring back at him. Gone is the happy lively Scott. This Scott is empty and hollow, his heart torn to shreds back in the dressing room, back with Tessa.
His shirt is rumpled, patchy and wet with tears, his hair a mess, his eyes bloodshot and bruised. He looks like he’s just been through hell, he feels like he’s just been through hell. He’d laid his soul open and bare for Tessa, because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of him, from ruining everything they had. Ruining her day.
The worst part was that she loved him too. She loved him, and he’d waited to damn long to say anything.
He feels his fist connect with the marble of the sink below him, doesn’t remember lifting his fist or bringing it back down, but the pain is enough to bring him back into his own body. He splashes some more water on his face and even drinks a couple handfuls. He fixes his shirt, tucking it back in, puts his jacket on over it, covering the tearstains. He stands tall and fixes his hair as best as he can, long, still long, just how she liked it.
Once satisfied that he doesn’t look terrible, that people won’t be able to take one look at him and know exactly what happened he heads to the hall. Finds a seat easily and sits down. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, doesn’t want to look at anyone. He simply waits for Tessa to come in, for the music to start.
The doors open and all of her bridesmaids walk out, but he only stares at her.
Her hair is fixed, her makeup is immaculate, she’s smiling at Daniel and she looks beautiful. For all anyone can see she’s a happy bride on her wedding day, but he can see beneath the mask. Can see the pain in her smile, the strain in her eyes. It kills him to know that he did that, that he caused her to look like that and feel like that on her wedding day.
He zones out after that, sees them grab each others hands and he shuts down. He’s tired, drained, knows there’s nothing he can do.
The priest asks if anyone has any objections, he doesn’t speak up or stand. He’s caused her enough pain today.
He watches through the blurry ness of his eyes, hopes no one can see the tears building up again. She looks happy, he knows that. Knows she is truly happy with Daniel, that she’s doing what’s best for her.
He can hear the Priest speaking, but it sounds like he’s underwater, drowning in his own pain and tears, his chest tightens to the point where he can’t breathe.
“Do you Tessa Virtue take Daniel Cohen to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Green eyes lock onto hazel ones.
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Watch you choose him instead of me
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“I Do.”