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Whizzer sighed, his exhale settling around him in the darkness of the bedroom that he shared with Marvin; he glanced back at the man in question, and the corners of his mouth were tugged involuntarily into a little smile at the sight before him. Marvin was curled up in the sheets, one arm tossed carelessly onto Whizzer’s side of the bed. His fingers were curled upward, as if waiting for Whizzer to reach out and take his hand. His wild curls were a mess, stray pieces falling into his face as his eyelashes fluttered ever so slightly. His lips were parted just slightly, only enough to look enticing, and the thin cotton sheet was draped diagonally over his chest, exposing enough skin that Whizzer wanted to brush his fingers over it. If he looked closely, he could see the remains of a two-day-old bruise, purplish in color and settled in the valley of Marvin’s collarbone. Whizzer smiled at the sight of it, longing to drop a kiss there. But Marvin was a light sleeper, and Whizzer didn’t want to risk waking him. There had been a time, once, when Whizzer wouldn’t have hesitated. When his own desires would have been held in highest regard, above all else, and it would not have occurred to him even in the slightest to be considerate and let Marvin sleep. He would have woken him, and roughly, and pinned him to the bed and had his way with him and probably would have been gone before morning.
Those days, however, were long gone. Now, Whizzer wouldn’t have dreamed of it. He just smiled slightly and gently lifted himself from the mattress with another glance back to make sure Marvin hadn’t been disturbed by the movement. Satisfied that his lover was still sound asleep, Whizzer padded across the carpet and slipped out of the bedroom. He’d made it halfway down the hall to the kitchen for the water he was in pursuit of when the soft snuffling sound that escaped Jason’s bedroom reached his senses and Whizzer paused. Jason had been coming over to Marvin’s on the weekends for the majority of the past two years, and that hadn’t changed because Whizzer had re-entered their lives. This, however, was the first weekend that Jason and Whizzer had both been actively living in Marvin’s two-bedroom apartment. The evening had gone well; in fact, it had been better than Whizzer could possibly have asked for. Marvin had been kind, Jason had seemed relaxed, and they’d all laughed together over pizza and endless chess games that seemed to only make Jason more keyed up and energetic as they passed by. Jason won game after game, but neither Marvin nor Whizzer minded. Whizzer spent much of the evening curled against Marvin, who spent much of that time threading his fingers absentmindedly through Whizzer’s soft locks of hair, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. And then Jason had gone to bed, and Marvin and Whizzer had discussed what a success the evening had been, and they’d cuddled up together to watch a movie before heading to bed themselves, a process that had been marked by quick kisses and subtle touches that, while not inherently sexual, sent Whizzer into a blissful tailspin. It was the kind of life he’d hardly ever dared to imagine for himself, and now it was all there in front of him, his for the taking. He’d never been happier.
Now, as he hovered outside Jason’s room, Whizzer’s happiness turned quickly to concern. It became apparent quickly that the sound he had heard was not that of Jason’s sleepy mumblings or breathing, but rather the shuddering breath of crying. Whizzer froze. He didn’t know what to do; his mind raced with options. He could wake Marvin. He could knock on the door. He could leave Jason alone and pretend he hadn’t heard. But what if something was really wrong? No, he decided, leaving it alone was not an option. But while Jason clearly liked Whizzer, what if Jason was uncomfortable with Whizzer seeing him cry? He desperately wanted to check on him, but he didn’t want to make Jason uncomfortable. His mind made up, Whizzer took a step back toward the bedroom to wake Marvin, but the floor beneath his foot creaked and the sound seemed to echo in the quiet hallway. The sound of Jason’s crying stopped briefly and Whizzer cursed inwardly.
“Dad?” Jason asked uncertainly, small voice floating out into the hallway where Whizzer still stood. “Whizzer?” he added, and Whizzer sighed. He stepped forward and pushed the door open, peering into the darkness of Jason’s bedroom, half lit by the streetlamp outside.
“Jason?” he asked softly. “Hey bud, you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jason answered, but his voice wavered and Whizzer watched him with a concerned expression that Jason couldn’t see in the shadow.
“Are you sure?” Whizzer asked, taking one hesitant step forward. “You can talk to me if you need someone to talk to, Jason, you know that right?”
His own heart was hammering with fear of rejection by Jason- that, he thought, would be even worse than rejection by the boy’s father, which had been a heartbreaking ordeal to begin with- and that was when he had been less than half this invested.
“Can I?” Jason asked timidly. Whizzer stepped closer to Jason, a rush of affection surging through his chest.
“Of course you can, Jason,” he said softly. “You can tell me anything, I promise.” Jason seemed to consider that, and when his gaze flickered to the foot of his bed and he pushed himself up into a sitting position, Whizzer took his cue and sat down. Jason reached for his reading lamp and flicked it on, flooding the room with warm light. Whizzer tucked his legs under him and observed Jason, whose face was streaked with tear tracks. It tugged at something within Whizzer’s chest to see Jason looking so upset, but while his own instinct was to worry, he kept himself calm for Jason’s sake.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked carefully after they had sat there in silence for a moment. Jason sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping himself in a little ball.
“You and Dad got back together,” Jason said in a small voice, and Whizzer’s heart sank. They’d been having such a good time together; did Jason not want Whizzer in their lives again?
“Yeah, we did,” he said cautiously. “Does that bother you?”
“No!” Jason said empathetically. He shook his head quickly back and forth to bring home his point and while Whizzer felt a surge of relief that his presence wasn’t the reason that Jason was upset, he was suddenly confused.
“Okay,” he said evenly. He felt as if he were drowning all of a sudden; Whizzer didn’t know how to be a parent. He knew how to love Jason, but that was it. He didn’t know how to be his dad. He considered going and waking Marvin, but he’d just told Jason that he could talk to him about anything, and he didn’t want to go back on that now. He couldn’t; he wanted Jason to trust him, so that wasn’t an option.
“Why would it bother me?” Jason asked, and Whizzer hesitated, taken aback.
“Because sometimes when kids have a new adult in their lives, especially in a relationship with their parents, it can be hard to deal with. It’s like maybe I’m changing your dynamic with your dad and maybe that makes you feel like your dad doesn’t have as much time for you, you know?”
“That’s not true,” Jason said. “I wanted you and Dad to get back together, Whizzer. Why do you think I called you to come to my game?”
“Oh,” Whizzer said. Jason’s words made him feel warm and emotional; losing Jason had been perhaps the hardest part of his breakup with Marvin, and now to hear that from the boy made Whizzer swell with love for him.
“So is this not about your dad and I?” he asked.
“Well…”Jason began, picking at the seam on his comforter. “It kind of is.”
“Okay,” Whizzer responded.
“Whizzer, remember last time you and Dad were living together?” Jason asked.
“Yes,” Whizzer replied simply, watching Jason to see where he was going with that.
“Well, what if that happens again?” Jason asked, his voice tight and small.
“What do you mean?” Whizzer asked.
“I mean...you guys were fighting all the time and everyone was so unhappy and then...then Dad threw you out and I didn’t get to see you anymore and Dad was so angry and it was awful and what if it happens again and it all falls apart and I don’t get to see you anymore?”
By the time Jason had reached the end of his little monologue, he was speaking rapidly and through tears, struggling to catch his breath.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Whizzer said, abandoning all pretense as he reached out to rest his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Hey, take it easy, just breathe.”
Jason tried to take an inbreath, but he’d worked himself up so much that it wasn’t easy; his body shuddered and he sobbed loudly.
“Okay, come here,” Whizzer said, and seconds later Jason had scrambled into Whizzer’s arms, all gangly limbs and awkwardness as Whizzer held him close.
“Shh,” he soothed. “Shh. It’s okay, Jason. It’s alright.”
“But what if-”
“No,” Whizzer interrupted gently. “That’s never going to happen, Jason. I love you and your dad more than anything in the world, and your dad feels the same way about you and I.” He ran his hand through Jason’s wild curly hair, so reminiscent of Marvin’s, and swallowed the lump in his throat as he met the child’s warm dark eyes, eyes he’d gotten from Trina. Jason was a perfect mix of his parents, and as he met the anxious gaze, Whizzer wondered whether it was possible to love another human being more.
“We’re never going to let that happen, okay?” he said softly. He swiped fresh tears from Jason’s cheeks and smiled through unshed tears of his own. “Hey,” he prompted, and Jason met his eyes again. “I know this is all new, it’s new for all of us. We’re scared, too.”
“You are?” Jason asked insurprise.
“Of course,” Whizzer answered. “It’s okay to be scared. But we’re a family, in a way, right? All of us? You know, me and your dad and your mom and Mendel- even Cordelia and Charlotte. And you,” he added with a little smile.
“Yeah,” Jason agreed.
“And families have to trust each other, and be patient with each other. So that’s what we’ve got to do, even though we’re scared sometimes. That, and love each other. Make sense?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Jason answered with a sniff.
“C’mere,” Whizzer mumbled, and Jason hugged him fiercely, filling a part of Whizzer’s heart with his touch that Whizzer hadn’t known was empty in the first place until Jason had come along to show him.
“I love you, kid,” Whizzer mumbled into Jason’s wild chestnut hair, holding him just a tiny bit tighter.
“I love you too, Whizzer,” Jason replied, and Whizzer was quite sure that his heart would burst.
The two of them stayed there together for a few minutes, and Whizzer waited until Jason pulled away before smiling at him.
“You okay?” Whizzer asked. Jason nodded his head.
“Yeah. Thanks, Whizzer. You kinda make a good dad,” Jason said, and Whizzer felt his breath catch. He didn’t let on to the way his heart hammered, though, just smiled and kissed the top of Jason’s head as he stood up and Jason snuggled back down into his bed.
“Come and get one of us if you need to, okay?” he said. “We’ll never be upset with you for waking us up or anything, I promise.”
Jason nodded and Whizzer smiled once more.
“Ready?” he asked, and with Jason’s nod of consent, Whizzer flicked the reading light off again and the room was plunged into darkness.
“Goodnight, Jason,” Whizzer breathed as he hovered by the door.
“Goodnight, Whizzer,” Jason mumbled, and then with one final look at Jason, Whizzer turned and slipped out into the hallway, shutting the door softly behind him. When he looked up in the half-light, however, he found not the empty hallway he’d been expecting, but Marvin, leaning against the wall with his tattered red hoodie unzipped against his chest as he watched Whizzer. Suddenly, insecurity came rushing back to Whizzer as their eyes met.
“Marvin,” he whispered. “Hey. Sorry, I- I just heard him crying and- I was going to wake you but he’d heard me already, I didn’t mean to overstep.”
“Whizzer,” Marvin breathed, taking one step forward to wrap Whizzer in a tight, fierce, warm hug there in the hallway outside his son’s bedroom. Taken aback, Whizzer hesitated for a second, and then hugged Marvin just as tightly.
“Come here,” Marvin whispered, and with his hand in Whizzer’s, led them both to the kitchen. There, after flipping on the softest light, Marvin turned to Whizzer and shook his head as he looked up, meeting his lover’s eyes. He ran his fingers ever so tenderly over Whizzer’s cheek and Whizzer suppressed a shiver at the gentle, loving act.
“Don’t ever apologize for being Jason’s dad, because as far as I’m concerned, you are. As much as Mendel is,” Marvin said honestly, and Whizzer could feel tears pricking the backs of his eyes before Marvin had even finished.
“Whizzer, what you just did made me love you even more,” Marvin continued.
“It did?” Whizzer breathed, and Marvin nodded.
“How much did you hear?” Whizzer asked. “I thought you were asleep.”
“His crying woke me up, you know what a light sleeper I am,” Marvin said. “And then,” he continued as a small smile graced his features and he reached up to run his fingers through Whizzer’s hair, brushing it off of his forehead. “I came to check on him, and I found you already taking care of him, just like I would have. You have no idea what a beautiful sight that was, you know, you there with him like that.”
Whizzer took a shuddering breath as he leaned in to press his forehead against Marvin’s.
“I do,” he said, voice wavering. “Because I see you with him.”
“Hey, shh,” Marvin soothed. “Don’t cry,” he half-laughed on an exhale and Whizzer couldn’t help but smile slightly as tears continued to stream down his cheeks.
“Shh,” Marvin said again, pulling Whizzer close. Whizzer buried his head against Marvin’s shoulder and Marvin ran his hand over Whizzer’s trembling shoulders.
“It’s okay,” he said. “You were amazing with him tonight, Whizzer.”
“Stop saying nice things if you want me to stop crying,” Whizzer mumbled, Marvin couldn’t help but laugh, which made Whizzer laugh, and soon the two of them were side by side on the kitchen floor in stitches, curled up so close together that it might have been hard to tell one man’s body from the other’s.
“I love you so much,” Marvin whispered, and Whizzer’s heart skipped a beat as he leaned in to capture Marvin’s lips in a sweet kiss.
“I love you too,” he breathed.
And in the other room, Jason lie there awake, listening to Marvin and Whizzer laugh, and thinking to himself that maybe Whizzer was right- maybe they were a family after all.