Chapter Text
They tell me that there's no such thing as a 'hopeless romantic' because even the word hopeless had hope in it. Though, I'd like to beg otherwise with an argument of my own. To constantly wonder what love entailed in its entirety, and how one even found such a fleeting treasure—was beyond me. No stars to wish upon, or gods to pray to, could possibly ever give me such a blessing to experience that with another person. All in all. I felt quite broken in this aspect.
I'd always seen love glittering around me like little fireflies lighting the world up one at a time. This feeling that society encouraged, people worshiped, and experts say could heal the world and its problems. This love eluded me so many times that my heart was heavy and discouraged.
Once, I had this feeling in my grasp—or so I thought. Tangible, flavored with possibilities, and satisfying. Once, I truly believed I had experienced the emotional ambrosia we all sought out for.
But I hadn't. Maybe it was obsession, lust, or even crazed infatuation. But I truly believe it wasn't the love that everyone sang about. Because how could love tear you apart so easily and so cruelly. That it left you with nothing but sadness and borderline hatred.
Because love wasn't the man I had grown up with. Watched as his adoring personality and perspective of life change to that of a cold business man with only one plan in mind. Love wasn't my friend and confidant who had gone away to college to only come back changed and more distant. Love wasn't me coming over to give him a surprise visit only to catch him in bed with a girl who I began to hate. Love wasn't him pushing me out of the house, screaming at me, and telling me that we weren't children anymore. Love could never break my heart so immensely that I lived the next few years of my life in a blur to forget that memory.
And so, here I am.
25 years old and working two part-time jobs to save up and leave home for good. To fully experience being my own person when others had already done so 5 years before me. Waking up each day to the same routine. Mornings working as a back rooms stocker for the local beauty supply store, and in the evening as a waiter, and barista for a fancy cafe in the area.
Watching the years fly past me and having nothing to show for it. Discouraging my parents that I truly could become something great in their eyes. When all I truly wanted was to just leave this city and start over, but you needed money for that sort of thing. The next job on my list I constantly joked with myself was to become a stripper or an escort. However, I have to admit that the over-glamorized package of sex didn't instill feelings deep down in my gut or genitals, for that matter.
Late nights online and on Tumblr had led me to certain hobbies of the sexually active and questionable BDSM community. Though I never judged the past time of others behind closed doors—I was indeed piqued by the thought of being stimulated without the need for physical penetration. That someone out there could make you bend at a mere command or put you in 'sub-space' that fit your kinks. It was all quite alluring but confusing at the same time.
Though I encouraged the argument for equal rights I was no feminist. Yet, the act of submitting to someone in such a consensual and intimate way was... a foreign concept to me.
There would be no way I'd ever have the luck (or the pleasure) to encounter a seasoned and mature Dom. Regardless if the community said they existed. I doubt I'm in the right frame of mind or reasoning to even distinguish someone as such. With my luck, I'd be like the countless of people who had been taken advantage of and somewhat traumatized by an inexperienced liar.
The possibility of that happening to me and the greater chances led me to stick to my so-called 'vanilla' life. I was safe on the other side of the screen as an anonymous person. I could talk about it, write about it, and even research it to my heart's content. But never ever could I act upon my urges without some sort of repercussion. A price I wasn't willing to pay for.
“Hey, dude, you got someone over in the corner table. Two hot guys which I'm hoping for your sake they're not gay.” Rita, a long time friend, and coworker bumped me with her hip and looped her arm around mine. A beautiful woman with all the signs of amazing genes and a personality to match. Originally meeting her I was taken aback and felt somewhat inadequate by her appearance.
“You know what I say to that. No matter how hot they are or how single... I'm just not the dating type, sis.” I looked at her knowingly and checked to make sure a hair wasn't out of place and that my lipstick was still crisp. Regardless, if they were two hot, single guys—I still had an appearance to upkeep with the cafe.
“You never know, babe. Maybe all the sage burning, naked moon dancing, and wailing to the eclipse I did last month will finally give you someone.” Rita took a deep breath in and wiggled her eyebrows at me. The sweetest little witch I'd ever meet in my life but definitely the most peculiar.
I laughed with her and squared my shoulders. Mentally preparing my same old routine cafe talk, my notepad in my hands and made my way to the back of the cafe. A part of me wondered if the two gentlemen were business guys. As this was the more central part of the area, we always got a handful of foreign businessmen or rich folk who appreciated the European hygge ambiance we carried.
“Good afternoon, gentlem—.” My voice dwindled and died off at the end. I never thought I'd see him here. Ever. “Oh, my. Ben, it's so wonderful to see you again. Doing well, I hope?”
My gosh. He was still so handsome as the last time I saw him. Hair a bit longer than before, face still chiseled and eyes still so dark and brooding. He was a masterpiece I could only stare at from behind a corded barrier. Never to touch and hold and call as my own. The one man I wished from the bottom of my heart could dominate me like I fantasized.
I couldn't tell if whether or not the feeling was mutual in seeing me in a place like this. The way our candles and antique lighting illuminated his face made everything almost picturesque. Was there a possibility he saw me as attractive or even womanly?
“Piglette,”
My heart stopped momentarily when he called me by the childhood nickname he had so graciously given me eons ago. My lips turned upwards and I gave him a toothy grin. In a way, I felt that him calling me by it was an unspoken apology for things done in the past. Even before I caught him in a compromising position with that girl... He'd never call me by the nickname. He'd stopped before he had headed off to college. Telling me that it was immature and that he'd prefer to call me by first name from now on. A part of me died inside when he confessed that to me. I felt as if I lost a bit of the Ben I knew and came to yearn for.
“Yes, Ben. I still have the baby face and chubby cheeks. I just can't seem to get rid of the darned things.” A sigh escaped my lips and I found a second to slide the menus onto the table. “Enough about me. Can I start you guys off with an espresso or a cafe americano?”
There was a time and place for me to reminisce about my old childhood crush. A place where I could cry in peace and wipe away bitter tears that I was desperately trying to hold back. A safe place where no one could see how truly I still felt for him.
“No, need.”
I almost forgot about the man who sat in front of Ben and when I was able to finally take him in—My soul left my body and I almost choked from the sheer sex appeal he oozed.
I'd never seen hair so pristine and flaming red. We don't normally get redheads around this area. The man screamed rich and powerful. The arrogance was almost palatable. I swallowed slowly and willed the goosebumps forming over my skin to go away. By the looks of it, his entire ensemble from the suit down to the watch and shoes probably cost more than my year's wages.
Again, I felt inadequate and inferior.
Ben was always the social and status climber. Reaching above and beyond where my mind and eyes could never take me. Something I was envious of my childhood friend. Where my parents expected me to succeed—Ben was already there and soaring. It didn't surprise me that his social circle would include people of high power and wealth.
“I think we'll just enjoy the high tea special you have to offer.” His voice was thick and delicious. Like Irish crème just pouring all over your body and piercing through every crevice and cranny you had. Augh. I wanted more. I'm positive the blush on my cheeks gave my thoughts away because the small smile he gave me had me looking away and scribbling in my notepad.
“Alright, Sir. I'll definitely get that in.” I had to control my voice from going up a pitch because of the nerves. Unfortunately the look he gave me after I had called him 'Sir' went unnoticed and I shot Ben one last loving smile and walked away.
Theirs was a world that I was not welcomed in, to say the least. So, what was it that I did best? I ran away and did my job in the land of the poor and boring. Away from curious eyes and gossiping lips.
We were worlds apart and that's how it would stay.