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Simon
“Go out with me, Snow.”
“What?” I ask, surprised by this sudden outburst from my roommate. It’s Sunday, and I’ve just gotten back to our room from dinner. The last thing I expected was for him to talk to me.
“Go out on a date with me.”
“Baz, are you drunk again?” This wouldn’t be the first time he drunkenly said he had feelings for me. It wouldn’t even be the second time. In fact, most weekends he comes into our room and tells me that he’s in love with me and that he always has been. The next day, he denies it saying that he was too drunk for anything he said to be taken seriously.
Every time he says it, I believe him. And every time he takes it back, my heart breaks a bit more. I want him to mean it just one time. I want him to feel the same way about me that I feel about him.
“No, Snow, I’m not drunk.” Baz stands up from his bed and moves toward me. “I want to go out with you. I like you.”
“I’ve heard you say that a hundred times, and you have never meant it.” I say, taking a step back and hoping my voice doesn’t sound as bitter as I feel. “So, forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
“I’m completely sober this time. And I meant it all of those other times. I was just afraid of how you would react, so I lied.” He takes two steps toward me.
“And you expect me to believe you this time? You’re probably just plotting something.”
“Why would I be plotting against you?”
“You’re always plotting. Remember the chimera? What about when you pushed me down the stairs?”
“Snow, I wasn’t trying to hurt you with the chimera. I only meant to scare you. And you and I both know that I didn’t mean for you to fall down those stairs.”
I almost bring up the time he tried to steal my voice but change my mind. I know how guilty he feels about that. For days after that incident, Baz was a wreck. He got drunk every night and barely slept. I would stay up all night, watching him to make sure that he was okay. I had to be sure that he didn’t do something stupid. After a while, he got better, especially after he heard that Philippa would be okay.
I shake my head and walk backward until I hit the wall. He moves toward me until we’re less than a foot apart. He lifts a hand toward me, and I flinch so he drops it back to his side.
“What will it take for you to believe me? I really do like you, Snow.”
“Prove it,” I say.
“Fine.” He nods once then moves away from me to go back to his bed.
“Wait, that’s it?”
“You want me to prove it don’t you? I will. However long it takes, I will show you that I’m not messing with you.”
“O-okay.”
Baz
Snow probably thinks that my profession of my feelings for him came out of nowhere, and I don’t blame him for that. Nor do I blame him for being suspicious. We’ve never really gotten along, and I have always taken back my drunken confessions. I didn’t do it nicely either; I probably should have done it in a way that wasn’t so mean, but I didn’t want him to know the truth about my feelings.
I do want him to know now though. This has gone on too long. I can’t be in love with Snow and not tell him how I feel. I’ve been hopelessly in love with him forever, practically since the day we met. Living with the person you’re in love with is difficult, especially when they have no idea.
They don’t know that every little thing they do drives you crazy and makes you fall even deeper in love.
They don’t know that when they play with their hair, all you can think about is running your fingers through it. They don’t know that when they’re struggling through their homework, you wish you could help them not be so stressed out. They don’t know that when they have trouble stringing words together that you wish you could tell them to just take a deep breath and take their time. They have no idea how hard you’ve fallen for them or how much you would do just to see them be happy.
I thought that I could get through our last year together and be fine. Then, I would probably never see him again and could finally move on. But this thought just made me sad, and I realized that I couldn’t move on, not without seeing whether he felt the same way about me. So, I told him how I felt. (I probably could have done a better job of it, but it didn’t go as bad as I thought it would.)
His reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. I thought he would yell at me and try to punch me. (If he had hit me, the anathema would have cast him out of the school, and I wouldn’t have to live with the embarrassment of knowing that he didn’t feel the same way.)
He didn’t do either of those things. He didn’t even say that he would never go out with me or that he didn’t like me, which was the most surprising thing of all. I never really considered the idea that Snow could like me back. I thought he would reject me, and I would be able to move on knowing that there was never a chance for us.
Now, I have to figure out how to show him that I’m not messing with him. I spend the rest of the night thinking of ways that I can prove to Simon Snow that I am genuinely in love with him. I decide that I’ll start by trying to win over his friends, which mainly just include Bunce now that he and Wellbelove aren’t together anymore.
Simon
The next morning at breakfast, Baz slides into the seat across from me, next to Penny.
“Morning, Bunce,” he says with a curt nod. “Good morning, Snow,” he says, looking at me with a smile I’ve never seen before.
Penny’s eyes widen for a brief moment. “Is there a reason you’ve decided to grace us with your presence today, Baz?” She asks politely. I stifle a laugh, wondering what excuse he’ll make.
“I’m trying to prove to Snow that I’m in love with him,” he says, not batting an eye.
I have the misfortune of taking a drink when he answers, and I choke on it. Penny laughs so hard she can barely breathe.
“Here you go, love,” Baz says, holding out a handkerchief with his initials and the Pitch coat of arms on it. He smiles at me again as I take it from him, and it freaks me out a bit.
“Thanks,” I mumble.
“You can keep it,” he says when I try to give it back. I just stare at him.
“Okay, boys. What is really going on?” Penny asks when she finally stops laughing.
“I asked Snow if he would go out with me, and he thought I was joking. Now, I’m trying to prove my feelings to him.”
“Were you drunk again?” Penny asks. Baz quirks an eyebrow at me, and my cheeks redden. I told Penny a long time ago about his drunken ramblings, which means that she also knows how I feel about him.
“No, I wasn’t drunk.”
“Okay. Well, good luck. It isn’t easy to please the chosen one.” I gape at her, but she just smirks.
“I thought I would start by spending more time with him. I’ll sit with him at meals and walking him to all of his classes.”
“That’s a nice start, but you have to do more than that.”
“I have other ideas, but I thought I would start with some small things.”
I just stare at them as they talk to each other as if I’m not even there. I ignore them after a couple of minutes and turn my attention back to my food. I get a strange feeling when Baz barely even looks at me the rest of breakfast. I feel jealous, but it’s ridiculous. Why should I be jealous that he’s talking to Penny and not me? He’s only sitting hear because of me, right?
Baz
Snow starts eating again, and I can tell that he’s stopped listening to the conversation Bunce and I are having. “I have the next few days planned out,” I tell her, dropping my voice. “And it ends with me asking him to be my boyfriend at the end of the week.”
Bunce looks pleased with this, but she wants to know all of the details. I tell her that she’ll have to just wait and see. I can’t risk her telling Snow my plans.
When Snow stands up to leave at the end of breakfast, I swiftly move to stand by his side. I almost reach out to hold his hand but discard that idea because it’s too soon to make that kind of move, especially since he thinks I’m just messing with him. He crosses his arms and doesn’t say anything to me the entire way to his class. He barely even looks at me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe he doesn’t like me; maybe I was wrong
“I probably won’t be able to make it back here in time to walk you to your next class, but we have that one together, so I’ll see you there.” I say before tentatively brushing my fingers against his, gauging his reaction. His cheeks turn pink again and he nods at me. When I realize that he hasn’t hit my hand away or pulled his away like I’ve burned him, I smile and leave for my own class which I’m now going to be late for. It’s okay, though, because it was worth it.
I slip into my seat a few minutes late, but the teacher doesn’t notice. I spend the entire class thinking about Snow and the way he blushes when he’s embarrassed, barely managing to take any notes. Bunce is in this class, and I meet up with her on the way out.
“How’d it go with Snow?” She asks me.
“Not great,” I admit. “I don’t think he likes me.”
“What gives you that idea?” For a second, I think she’s being sarcastic but then I realizing she’s being serious. She actually wants to know.
“He basically ignored me the entire way to his class.”
“Yeah, but he still let you walk him there, didn’t he? And he didn’t tell you to leave him alone, did he?”
“He did let me walk him, but I couldn’t tell if he wanted me there.”
“Oh, Basil. You just started being nice to him this morning. He needs time to get used to it and decide if he wants you there. Things don’t just happen overnight.”
“I know. I just wish there was a way to know for sure that he feels the same.”
“You could just ask him.”
“Definitely not.” Penny just shakes her head. Does she really think that I could just ask Snow how he feels about me? I barely managed to tell him how I feel, and the entire time I was worried he would go off. Even if I did ask him, he probably wouldn’t tell me. He thinks I’m messing with him. Why would he trust me with the truth?
We’re about to walk through the door of the classroom, so I say, “Would you trade seats with me? I’d like to sit by Snow.”
She looks like she’s about to say no but changes her mind. “Yeah sure. But you have to try talking to him, okay?”
“Okay,” I say. Then we split up to go to our separate seats.
The closer I get to Snow, the more nervous I feel. By the time I sit down in the chair next to him, I don’t know what to say and have managed to not even look at him. I pull out some paper and a pen and write him a note instead.
Simon
I arrive at the second class of the day before Baz does, and I sit in my usual seat towards the back of the room. I watch as the other students trickle in, waiting for him. He’s one of the last students to walk in, and he is with Penny. She’s nodding at him as he says something to her. They break away from each other, and Penny heads towards Baz’s usual seat between Dev and Niall. For a moment, I imagine what their faces look like as they realize what’s happening. Then, I notice that Baz is headed in my direction and is planning on sitting in Penny’s usual seat, next to me.
He doesn’t smile or say anything as he sits down, and I’m more disappointed than I should be. Just because he’s sitting next to me doesn’t mean he’s suddenly going to start treating me nicer in front of everyone else. I force myself not to look in his direction as the teachers starts talking. After a few minutes, he slides a piece of paper onto my desk. When I look at it, I’m greeted with his elegant handwriting.
Hey, Snow. I hope it’s okay that Penny let me switch seats with her. I wanted to be closer to you. -T. Basilton Grimm-Pitch
A small smile makes its way onto my face before I can stop it. It’s almost weird to see his entire name written out, but I like the way it looks. I gently fold the piece of paper up and slip it into my pocket. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, and there’s a small smile playing on his lips as he takes notes.
***
The rest of the day goes on much the same as he walks with me to most of my classes and sits next to me in the classes that we have together. We don’t talk much, but it’s a nice silence because it’s better than fighting. Our fingers brush several times throughout the day, and I find myself wanting to hold his hand more than once. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I know for sure that this isn’t some trick, that he’s not plotting to turn against me.
After dinner, we part ways because he says that he has to go do something, so I walk to our room alone. I stay up late doing homework and waiting for him to join me, but I fall asleep before he gets there.
Baz
It’s harder to sit in the dining hall pretending to eat when Snow and Bunce are watching me. I push food around on a plate to make it look less obvious that I haven’t taken a bite. It’s easy to just sit and talk with them. Especially Bunce. She’s quite brilliant. At first, I was surprised at how readily she accepted me, but she really cares for Snow. She seems to just want him to be safe and happy. (And I’m pretty sure she would kill me if I ever hurt him.)
I part ways with them as we walk out of the dining hall after dinner. I don’t explain, and they don’t ask. We haven’t exactly gotten to the part where we talk about the important things yet, and I’m grateful for that. There’s no way I can just tell them that I’m a vampire, and I’m headed to get some blood.
I walk down to the catacombs to feed on rats, and I end up staying down there for hours reflecting on the day. I’m also avoiding running into Snow in our room. I already that it will be weird with us sleeping in the room now that he knows how I feel about him, and I am definitely not in any hurry to find out how we are going to work around this.
When I finally get back to our room, Snow has fallen asleep with a book on his chest and the lights still on. I carefully pick up the book and set on it his desk, careful not to wake him. Then, I pull his blanket up over him. I watch him sleep for a moment, wanting to run my fingers through his bronze curls, before I quietly move around the room getting ready for bed myself. I lay awake for a while more while I watch his sleeping form rise and fall steadily.
Simon
In the morning, I quietly get ready dressed and ready for the day. I don’t want to wake Baz so that I can get down to breakfast to talk to Penny before he gets there.
“Hey, Simon,” Penny says when I join her at the table. She glances around the room like she’s looking for something then says, “Where’s Baz?”
“Sleeping. I wanted to talk to you about him.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Do you really think he likes me?” She makes a face like this isn’t what she expected me to ask.
“Well, he seemed sincere when I talked to him yesterday, but I can’t really say for sure. I think that’s something you have to decide on your own.”
“Okay, but all he’s really done is sit with us and walk me to my classes. He barely even spoke to me yesterday.”
“Did you try talking to him?”
“No, not really,” I say, realizing it’s true. I had been waiting for him to make all of the moves yesterday.
“That’s the problem, then. Maybe he thinks you don’t like him.”
“What? But you know that’s not true.”
“Yeah, I know that. But you told me. You didn’t tell him. And if you don’t show that you reciprocate his feelings, he might feel like he’s being rejected.”
“Wait, how do you know that?” I ask, suddenly suspicious. How much did she and Baz talk yesterday when I wasn’t around?
“There he is,” she says, nodding at the door behind me and stealthily avoiding answering my question.
I turn to face him, and when our eyes meet, I don’t fight the smile that spreads across my face. He smiles back and sits beside me.
“Good morning,” he says. “You’re up early.” I just shrug and fiddle with my fork.
“Good morning, Baz,” Penny says, shooting me a look. She’s probably wondering why I’m not saying anything to him. I don’t know how to explain that I’m suddenly nervous and have apparently lost the ability to form words around him. “Sleep well?”
“I suppose. I didn’t really get much sleep last night.”
“Oh? Did Simon keep you up late?” My eyes widen, but I force myself not to look up at either of them.
“Oh, no. He was asleep before I made it back to the room last night.”
“I see.” I feel her eyes on me, but I’m at a loss for words now that Baz is so close. There’s a moment of awkward silence as I stare at the fork in my hands. Finally, Penny breaks the silence. “Aren’t you hungry Baz?”
“Um, not really,” he says quietly, almost shyly. Thinking back, all those times I’ve watched him during meals, I’ve never seen him actually eat. Even yesterday, he just moved his food around to make it look like he was eating but never actually took a bite.
I glance at him and frown before turning my attention back to my fork. I start twirling it quicker between my fingers. Suddenly there’s a cold hand on top of mine, stopping my movement, and I nearly jump.
“Snow, are you okay?” Baz asks quietly, loud enough for only me to hear.
“I’m fine,” I say, still not looking at him. He starts to move his hand away, but I grab it. Moving our hands down in between us, I intertwine our fingers. My left hand still has a tight grip on the fork, and Baz reaches out with his right hand to gently pry it out of my fingers.
I finally look at him, and the tips of his ears are a light shade of pink. I squeeze his fingers in mine and watch as the color turns a shade darker.
He leans closer and whispers in my ear, “do you want to start heading to class?” I shudder at the feeling of his breath on my ear. It feels too intimate for such a simple question. I nod and start to pull my hand away, but he tightens his grip. I look at him and he gives me a small smile. “I don’t mind if people see if you don’t.”
In lieu of an answer, I stand up while keeping our fingers interlocked and pull him up after me.
“Have fun,” Penny says with a wink.
***
Today when we make it to my class, we get there early so Baz doesn’t have to leave right away. He leans against the wall casually in front of me, crossing his ankles. He looks so relaxed and my heart is beating rapidly. We’re still holding hands, and he pulls me closer. We just stand there staring at each other, completely silent. It isn’t a bad silence.
It’s almost like we’re really seeing each other for the first time. Like maybe it’s possible for us to stare into each other’s eyes for the rest of our lives. But of course, we can’t actually do this, and the sound of students approaching breaks us out our private staring contest.
“See you later,” Baz murmurs, squeezing my hand once before letting go. I make my way into the classroom, somewhat dazed.
I spend the entire class daydreaming about Baz and his stormy grey eyes. Eyes that feel like they can read me like an open book, like they can see the real me. I wouldn’t mind that though. I want Baz to know everything about me, and I want to know everything about him.
I feel myself giving into the idea that Baz might really like me, but it’s still too soon to know for sure. It’s only been a day. He could still be plotting something. Only time will tell.
Baz
I pull Snow close to me as we stand outside his classroom, and all I can think about is kissing him. He’s watching me, so I force myself not to stare at his lips. I don’t say anything to him because the only words my brain can seem to form at the moment are “kiss me.”
He doesn’t say anything either, and we just stand there staring at each other. His eyes are so blue, and I feel like I’m falling into them.
We stand like this until we hear students approaching. I squeeze his hand and say goodbye before leaving.
We hold hands whenever we see each other throughout the day, and Snow is usually the one who initiates it. I realize that this might make it seem like I’m not serious about proving my feelings since I’m not the one doing anything. I know I need to do more. I suppose since Bunce knows about us, it’s time to tell my friends. That’s the next step.
Simon
When people see Baz and I walking down the hall holding hands, there are a few whispered words and curious looks, but I think most people seem to accept it after they get past the initial shock of seeing us being civil together instead of fighting. (Even I’m still a bit surprised.)
At lunch, Dev and Niall sit at the same table as us but pretend like Penny and I aren’t there. It’s nice to see that Baz’s friends are supporting him. They aren’t acting any different, but it shows that they care about him. It also shows that Baz was serious enough about his feelings to tell his friends.
That’s when I realize that everyone probably thinks we’re a couple. We are definitely acting like one, and if we don’t end up together, it will be difficult to explain what happened, why we were civil for a few days before turning on each other again. I really hope that never happens. I don’t think I would be able to take it.
The rest of the day goes well with us exchanging a few words here and there, but it still feels strange. Like we’re both holding back, afraid of what will happen if we go too far or move too fast.
I’m afraid that if I give him too much of my heart and he turns on me that I won’t be able to piece myself back together when it’s over.
Tonight, after dinner, he walks me back to our room before we part ways. Then, he comes back after an hour this time. I hadn’t considered how awkward it would be when we were alone in our room together. I just sit on my bed with a book in my lap, pretending not to watch him as he moves around putting things away and grabbing clothes to change into.
When he comes out of the bathroom, he sits on the edge of his bed, facing me. I close the book I wasn’t really reading and look at him. “I need to ask you something.”
“What do you want to ask, Snow?” he says casually.
“Why don’t you ever eat? I mean, you’ve been sitting with me at meals the past two days, but I haven’t seen you actually eat anything. Are you anorexic or something?”
He closes his eyes for a brief moment and sighs. “No. I’m not anorexic, Snow.”
“Then, why don’t you eat? Is it because you’re a vampire?”
His eyes widen in shock like I’ve just hit him. For a moment, he looks like he’s going to storm out of the room without answering. But then, he sneers and says, “No, Snow, it isn’t because I’m a vampire. I just don’t like eating in front of other people.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“I just don’t, Snow. Can we drop it now?”
“If you don’t eat during meals, when do you eat then?”
He runs a hand through his hair, looking like he doesn’t want to answer. “Usually, I eat between classes or I get food and take it out of the dining hall.”
I nod, accepting this answer, before I realize something. “You’ve been with me constantly the past two days,” I say, unable to stop the blush that spreads across my cheeks. “When have you been eating?”
“I might have skipped a meal or two, but after dinner, when we split up, I usually go back and eat something.”
I drop my head in my hands, unsure what to say. Baz hasn’t been eating, and it’s because of me. He shouldn’t have to starve himself to prove his feelings. That’s wrong.
I look back up at him, and he looks surprised at something he sees in my face. “Oh Snow, it’s okay. I don’t actually need as much food as other people. Especially not as much food as you do,” he says teasingly.
“You could have told me. You don’t have to skip meals to prove how you feel about me.”
“I know, but I promise you I wasn’t starving myself. I would rather sit with you anyway,” he adds quietly.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. Good night, Baz.” I slip under my covers and roll to face away from him. With a few whispered words, he spells the lights out, and I listen to him getting into his own bed.
I fall asleep listening to his breathing.
***
When I wake up the next morning, Baz is gone, but I find a note from him taped to bathroom mirror. I peel it off carefully before opening it to find his careful script filling only a few short lines.
Good morning, Snow. My apologies, but I won’t be at breakfast or walking you to your first class. I will see you in class after that though. See you later. -T. Basilton Grimm-Pitch
I read the note twice before getting dressed and heading down to breakfast alone. I get there a bit late, and Penny looks surprised to see me. Or maybe just surprised to see me alone. Dev and Niall are sitting at the other end of the table and nod at me when I pass by.
“Where’s Baz?” Penny asks as soon as I sit down.
“He had something to do,” I say with a shrug, trying not to let on how disappointed I am at not getting to see Baz this morning. It must not work though.
“Did you guys break up already?” Penny asks, disbelief evident in her voice.
“We were never technically dating.”
“But I thought you were going to try. Is that over already?”
“No. He really did have something to do.”
“Then why do you look so upset?” She asks. I just shrug at her. She stares at me for a moment before gasping dramatically. “Simon!” she hisses, quiet enough that no one else will hear her. “You miss him, don’t you? Two days together, and you already can’t stand to be apart.”
I roll my eyes at her. “It’s not that big a deal, Penny. I just wanted to see him. That’s all.”
“Well, then, you’re in luck,” she says with a smirk.
“What are you talking about?” She shakes her head, staring at something behind me.
I turn around and see Baz walking towards me. His hair looks slightly ruffled, like he’s been running his hands through it. I like it better like this. He gives me a small smile and sits down. “Good morning, Snow.”
“I thought you weren’t going to be here,” I respond.
“I can leave if you want.” I grab his arm before he can move, and he smirks. “I was just kidding. It’s nice to know that you want me here though.”
I pull my hand away from his arm and turn back towards Penny. She has this insane grin on her face as her eyes flick back and forth between me and Baz. I kick her under the table. She kicks me back, but her expression turns back to one that is filled with less gloating.
Baz
The look on Snow’s face when he sees me is one of shock and delight. I try to act like my heart isn’t racing at sight of him and sit down beside him.
“I thought you weren’t going to be here,” he says.
I wasn’t. I had decided to go down to the catacombs this morning instead of later tonight. I emptied several rats before I realized the empty feeling wasn’t going to be sated by blood. It could only be filled by seeing Snow.
That was the moment when I knew there was no going back after all of this. It was the moment I realized that I had fallen so deep that I couldn’t see the way out. (And I never want out anyway.)
If Snow decides that he doesn’t want to date me, I will be wrecked. We’ve only spent two days together, and they have already been some of the best days of my life. Just being around him is a gift, even if we aren’t talking. His presence makes me want to forget the rest of the world for a moment and just be me. To be the best version of me, not the person I’ve been to him for so many years. I want to the be the person he could spend the rest of his life with. (No matter how short that life might be.)
Simon
The rest of the day is mostly uneventful, but I’m happy because I get to spend it with Baz. When we are about to separate for a while during the day, he hands me notes that tell me to have fun or not to get into too much trouble or really just anything. It doesn’t really matter what they say though because it’s just nice to know that he’s thinking of me.
By lunch time, I realize that I am no longer fighting the idea that Baz might truly like me. It’s obvious in the small things. The smiles he shares with no one else, the notes, his hand brushing against my back protectively sometimes, when he squeezes my hand lightly to get my attention when I drift off during class.
I think about what I told Penny this morning. How Baz and I aren’t technically dating, but we’re acting the way other couples do. I wonder if I should bring this up to him or if I should wait and let him say something. He is the one trying to win me over. I decide to wait another day and see what happens.
Baz
The notes that I give Snow throughout the day don’t say much. They’re just little reminders that I care about him and to show him that I’m not giving up on this, on us. The way his face lights up each time I hand him a new one is reason enough to keep writing them.
I find every excuse I can think of to touch him. Like when we’re in a crowded area or one of his many “friends” comes up to talk to him. (Seriously, how can Snow stand talking to this many people?) I place my hand lightly on his back if they get too close, both to protect him and to show everyone else that he’s taken. (Even if it isn’t official yet.)
Simon
That night after dinner, Baz walks me to our room and goes inside with me this time. I frown at him once the door is closed. “Aren’t you going to go eat something I ask?”
“Not tonight,” he says simply.
“Baz,” I say, knowing it sounds like a whine but not caring. He has to eat.
“Snow,” he says in the same tone. “I’m fine. I’m not hungry.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Snow,” he says with a sigh. He seems to sigh a lot around me, like I’m too much sometimes.
“Simon.”
“What?” He asks.
“You should call me Simon.”
“Why?”
“Because. It’s my name. And if you like me, why can’t you use my actual name?”
“I like saying Snow. Is that a deal breaker for you?”
I blush, caught off guard by his question, and he smirks, like he’s won. “No, it’s not a deal breaker,” I grumble. I move to my desk to get started on homework.
“That’s good to know,” he replies. “Because I don’t intend on calling you anything but Snow for a while now.” He sits at his own desk, and the conversation is over.
Baz
I can’t do it yet. I can’t call him Simon. It would be too much like saying I love him every time I said it. And even though I am in love with him and I do want him to know that, I can’t keep saying it. Because if he decides that he doesn’t want to be with me, it will be made harder if I get used to saying ‘Simon’ and then have to go back to calling him Snow.
So, no, I can’t call him Simon. And he’ll never know the real reason why.
As soon as I know for sure that he wants to be with me and he trusts me not to mess with him, I will call him by his name. But only then.
Simon
Thursday is the first time this week that I go to the football pitch to watch practice. I’ve been avoiding it ever since this whole thing with Baz started. We usually part ways when he has practice, and I go hang out with Penny or something. Today when we part ways, I wait a bit before heading to the pitch. When I get there, practice has already started, and I sit off to the side, like I always did before this week. Back when I came here under the pretense of making sure that he wasn’t cheating.
Today, I don’t have to make any excuses. I can just openly watch him as he runs back and forth, his sweaty hair falling into his face. I don’t pay much attention to what is actually going on because my eyes are trained on Baz the entire time.
He doesn’t notice me watching at first. But when he finally sees me, he trips and nearly falls in an un-Baz like fashion. It is not the usual grace Baz has while on the pitch. He manages to recover quickly though, and no one else notices. I smirk at him before he turns away from me.
***
When we meet up after practice, Baz grabs my arm and leads me away from prying eyes. When we’re alone, he pushes me up against a wall and glares at me. If he had looked at me like this a week ago, I would have thought he was going to punch me. Now, I know that isn’t going to happen. He definitely doesn’t want to punch me today.
“What were you doing there?” he sneers.
“What are you talking about, Baz?” I ask, playing dumb.
“At practice.” He runs a hand through his hair and takes a step away from me. “Why were you watching me?”
“There’s nothing new about that is there?” I admit. “I’ve always watched you.” I feel my face heat up under his intense gaze.
“I was just surprised to see you there,” he says.
“I won’t go again if you don’t want me there,” I say seriously.
“No!” He says too quickly. I watch a light pink appear on his cheeks. He clears his throat then says, “I mean, you can go if you want. I won’t stop you.”
“Okay.” I smile at him.
He smiles back before taking my hand in his and leading us toward the dining hall for dinner.
Baz
As soon as I push him up against the wall, I regret it. We’re so close, yet not close enough. I want to close the distance between us and kiss him. His lips are right there, and they looks so completely kissable. All I’d have to do is lean slightly forward. The urge to do this is so intense that I have to step away from him.
I tear my hand through my hair, hoping it distracts him from the fact that I was just staring at his lips. He pretends like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about when I ask him why he was at football practice when he isn’t even on the team.
His face turns a beautiful shade of pink when he admits that he has always watched me at practice. I want to kiss him there and watch it spread, but I don’t. Then, he offers not to go to practice anymore, and I all but shout the word no. I can feel my face getting warmer as it starts to match the color of his.
I clear my throat and try to act nonchalant. “I mean, you can go if you want. I won’t stop you.”
He smiles at me and says okay. I smile back and take his hand to lead him to dinner.
Dev and Niall sit with us at meals now. They were accepting of my feelings for Snow, but it’s going to take them a little longer to actually start talking to him and Bunce. That’s okay though because I was worried they were going to stop talking to me when they found out. But they were pretty cool about it.
All throughout dinner, all I can think about is how close Snow and I were a minute ago. To keep myself from trying to kiss him, I strike up a conversation with Bunce about non-Snow related things.
Simon
Watching the way that he interacts with Penny during dinner, I think about how easy this relationship of sorts with Baz has been. It could have been this way from the start if we hadn’t been destined to be enemies. We could have been friends, if not more, for all of these years. We should have been.
I don’t dwell on the time we missed though. Instead, I think about how it can all be different now. Baz has already offered me this, and now all I have to do is accept. I have to tell him that I want more, that I want to be with him.
***
I’m sitting at my desk when Baz returns from wherever he goes after dinner. I suspect he goes down to the catacombs to feed on rats, but I don’t know how to talk to him about it. I pretend to be finishing up some homework while he moves around the room. The silence reminds me of all of these years we’ve spent in this room trying not to get in each other’s way, trying to avoid each other.
This silence is different. It’s a more comfortable silence. There is still a bit of tension as we relearn how to navigate around each other, but there isn’t that anger and disdain that there used to be between us anymore. We can finally be in the same room without wanting to hit each other.
“Hey, Snow,” he says, coming up behind me and placing his hands on my shoulders.
“Simon,” I say, not turning around to look at him. He moves his thumbs lazily up and down my neck. It sends tingles down my spine. “You should call me Simon if we’re going to do this.”
His hands stop moving, and I turn my head to look at him. “What are you saying?”
I stand up so that we’re on the same level. “I want to go out with you.” I take his hands in mine. “I want to be your boyfriend.”
He gasps quietly. “Are you serious?”
“Yes, Baz.”
“How do I know you’re not messing with me now?” He asks suspiciously. I pull my hands away and pace across the room, frustrated.
“Seriously Baz? You just spent the last four days trying to prove that you have feelings for me, and now you’re questioning whether or not I feel the same way?”
“Well, you never actually said you did.”
“I wanted to. Every time you told me how you felt, I wanted to tell you that I was in love you, too!” I realize too late what I say and that I’m shouting at him, so I just keep going. “But you were drunk! You were drunk and the next day, you would always deny it. Do you have any idea how that much that hurt?”
We stand in silence, staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. “I’m sorry, Simon. I never meant to hurt you.” He tears a hand through his hair. “I was just afraid.” He takes a tentative step forward, and when I nod at him, he closes the rest of the distance between us. “I’m sorry,” he says again as he reaches out to hold my hand.
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you.” He pauses for a moment before saying, “I would love to be your boyfriend, Snow.”
I smile at him, then say, “Simon.”
He rolls his eyes, but the corners of his mouth turn up slightly. “Fine. Can I kiss you now, Simon?”
“Yes.”