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Kagami has always been an impulsive person. Speak before you think, do before you speak; move. Always moving in some form or another, usually with a basketball in his hands but even in class he's restless, twirling his pencil around his fingers and tapping his foot to the beat of some imaginary song. Even when he's sleeping, he's been informed, he never stills.
Which is why even he finds it weird that he's been sitting on the floor of his shower for nearly 30 minutes now, just watching the steaming water cascade down the smooth tiled walls.
He's not tired, really. He'd played his hardest at practice but the dull ache in his knees and back is no worse than it is any other day. Nothing's wrong with him, he isn't sick, he isn't hungry -- well, that's a lie, he's always hungry-- but everything is manageable. For some reason though, as soon as he had felt the soft massage of the warmth against his back, all the remaining energy in his system seemed to have flowed out of him and he let himself slide to the shower floor, shutting his eyes to feel his body being enveloped by the water.
Stretching out one of his long legs, he examines the scars and bruises that had become part of him over the past 16 years, deep white tiger stripes on his knees and shins distracting from the sun tanned skin of long summer days on the court. He doesn't pay attention to his body usually, there's really no point. As long as he can run and jump from hoop to hoop for a solid 48 minutes, he's fine. But for some reason, right now he kind of wonders what he looks like. He knows he's not some dumb model like Kise, he doesn't get constant confessions like Izuki-senpai, and Tatsuya's had girls swarming him 24/7 since they entered middle school but hell, he's gotta be better looking than like... that dumbass Aomine.
But what if he isn't? What if he isn't anything to look at, period? What if he was going to die alone, surrounded by deflated basketballs that he was too old and broken to pick up anymore? It wasn't such a far-fetched idea, considering he's had a grand total of three dates with three different girls, and the only decent relationship he's been able to maintain is with his right hand and a half-empty bottle of lube. The thought of being unloved by anyone, ever, scared him a lot more than he knew he should rationally be scared but still...
If he was being truthful with himself, he just wished he wasn't alone right now. After the winter cup, Alex had flown back to America and Kagami was once again left to himself. Usually it doesn't bother him to be alone, he isn't that great at holding long conversations with people that aren't about basketball, and being alone gives him a lot of time to just calm down at the end of the day considering he tends to run pretty hot blooded. Usually he's not lonely. Usually.
But since that tournament had began it seemed like he was constantly surrounded by people. He always had someone around; Coach nagging him to study because idiots don't win. Kuroko stopping by after practice to watch old re-runs of March Madness and argue about whose bracket was better. Koganei-sempai trying to find the carefully hidden porn files on his laptop, and whining when he couldn't. Kuroko bringing by old workbooks to help Kagami try and catch up on his kanji, the edges of the pages now frayed and torn because of the dumb dog. Kuroko falling asleep on the floor by accident after reading all of Kagami's old basketball magazines and Kagami dragging his dead weight up onto the couch so he doesn't hurt his stupid neck.
Too much Kuroko.
Snapping himself out of his daydreaming, Kagami quickly stands and turns the shower off completely, willing away the sullen mood that had settled over him, kicking himself for getting carried away again and desperately wishing this was the first time he had dozed off thinking about Kuroko. It was happening more and more frequently and it was weird and awkward and he just wanted it to stop. It's bad enough not actually knowing what you're into, no need to add a giant crush on your best friend and basketball partner into the mess.
Grabbing a crumpled up towel off the floor and wrapping it loosely around his waist, he saunters over to the sink and angrily avoids looking at himself. He doesn't want to see that giant scar across his ribcage from the time he and Tatsuya tried to jump a barbed wire fence. He doesn't want to look at his too wide shoulders and his too long arms, and his too big torso. He's always been too much and even if it's a blessing for basketball, it sucks to deal with in normal life. He doesn't want to see the way his hair was getting too long but he's too lazy to get it cut so it's started to stick up and out in random places, and he most certainly isn't in the mood to try and bring his face into the depressive mix.
But because the world just doesn't work that way, he catches a glimpse of himself brushing his teeth and he's forced to just stand there and look. Look at how dark the circles under his eyes have gotten over the past few weeks, which makes the red tint to his irises look even more terrifying, even to himself. He's glued to his reflection and the more he stares, the more he's forced to take it all in. The way his jacked-up eyebrows scrunch together into a permanent scowl. That tiny white scar across his cheek bone where he had to get a few stitches after taking a hit from the business end of a bike chain. How his ears have always stuck out a little too far, and how the bump on the bridge of his nose where he had taken one too many basketballs to the face sticks out of the whole mess. Man, it's been a while since he's felt so absolutely shitty.
Slowly tearing himself away from the mirror and the face he doesn't want to look at anymore, Kagami rests his head on the door and lets out a long, shaky breath. He feels like crying, and he feels like punching something, and he's lonely and he over all just feels cruddy, and on top of it all he can't stop himself from thinking that he misses Kuroko.
He wishes he could bury his nose in that messy blue hair, breathe in the cheap ass shampoo he always uses and just have him in his arms to run his hands up and down that smooth back. Most of all he wants Kuroko to hug him back. He wants to be held as much as he wants to hold and he thinks that a hug from Kuroko right now would probably send him to the moon and back. Just a hint. Anything to let Kagami know that he feels something for him. That these things that are always in the back of Kagami's mind are okay and--
No.
Kagami swings the door open so hard he thinks he might have broken the handle, but he doesn't care, he needs to get the fuck away from that room, away from those thoughts. His bare feet pad over the cold wooden floor and every step creates a slight echo that bounces off the empty walls of the apartment. Kagami just wants to go to bed, he wants to sleep and get rid of Kuroko, and the loneliness, the fear of being hideous and unloved forever. He wants to shut it all out and wake up tomorrow morning to go sweat out all of these shitty feelings with the familiar rubber of a new ball in his hands.
His face hits his pillow and he lays facedown for a good ten minutes just trying to smother his mood in the folds of its plushy fabric, commanding his inner monologue to shut the fuck up. Alas, Kagami's brain has never been particularly good at following orders so he rolls over and glares at the glowing red numbers on his bedside table. 8:30. Of course he's not fucking tired at 8:30. He sighs and pulls himself back up into a sitting position to search around the room for suitable clothes to hide himself away in. He settles on an old pair of Lakers sweatpants on the floor that are probably clean enough, and he's got one leg stuffed awkwardly inside of them when he hears the sound of his doorbell reverberate around the walls of the apartment.
"Who the hell..?"
Kagami finishes pulling on his pants and grabs an old cherry red lifeguard sweatshirt while he makes his way over to the door. The floor is still icy cold and he's really not in the mood to deal with people right now. It's probably his landlady coming to give him nice things he doesn't deserve in return for him catching that bird in her apartment that one time. He heaves a sigh and opens the door to a pair of unexpected, bored blue eyes.
"Did you get lost on the way to the door, Kagami-kun? You know it's rude to leave people waiting." Kuroko jokes in his strange way, already ghosting past Kagami's stunned frame into the chilly apartment muttering a soft 'excuse me'. God, Kagami isn't in a good enough place to handle this right now. What did he do in some past life to piss off fate like this? He swears under his breath that karma can go fuck itself.
"Hey, shut up man I didn't even know you were coming! What are you doing here anyway, you told me you had something else to do tonight? Like a dentist appointment or something.." Kagami flounders around in some vain attempt to maybe get out of spending another night dealing with the emotions that Kuroko being under the same roof evokes.
Kuroko drops his bags against the coffee table and looks unimpressed with Kagami as he plops himself down in his spot on the couch. He has a spot. Kagami doesn't sit on that side of the futon.
"I tried calling you to tell you that my appointment was cancelled, but you weren't answering so I thought it would be okay to just come over since you had invited me earlier anyway." Kuroko's brows turn slightly upward in worry and his eyes open a bit wider, a small change of facial expression Kagami has grown used to noticing, and he sits up a little straighter. "Were you busy, Kagami-kun? I didn't mean to interrupt, I can leave if you--"
"No you're fine I was just wondering." Kagami stops him before he can say any more. He shuts the door and makes his way over to the living room thinking that, yeah, it's painful to have him here but it's even worse when he leaves and looks at him with those damn eyes. He must be some sort of glutton for punishment, really. Kagami kicks himself mentally as he watches the way Kuroko's shoulders relax slightly back into the couch, but the same worried look still plays on the edges of his usually stoic face.
"Are you alright, Kagami-Kun?"
Kagami heaves another sigh as he falls back onto the couch, hearing the scrape of the furniture moving against his weight and it makes him cringe inwardly. He lets his head lull back against the couch and he wishes he could tell Kuroko. He wishes he could just tell him about everything he's been thinking about the other, and how he'd like to just hold his hand right now and pull the other into his lap and breathe him in while Kuroko tells him that it's all going to be okay. But he doesn't. Instead, he scrunches his eyes closed and asks, "Hey Kuroko, what... what do you think of me?"
It's a dangerous question right now, but it's the lesser of the evils in his head and whatever Kuroko says will be enough to hold Kagami over until he can figure out what to do with his raging hormones and inappropriate feelings. Kuroko is quiet for a few agonizing moments before answering.
"I think Kagami-kun is an idiot."
Kagami is so wrapped up in his deep and moody feelings that the bluntness of the remark causes him to bark out a surprised laugh and he peeks an eye open at Kuroko's completely passive face. He's always a surprise, never answering the way Kagami expects. Though he would be lying if he said he didn't set himself up for that one.
"But why are you asking?"
"No reason, really. It's just been a weird night for me." He sighs, his voice is small and hushed, all the things he usually isn't. He can feel his ears getting hot and he's starting to feel ridiculous. "I don't know man... I just feel... bad.. about myself, you know?" He needs to stop talking. This isn't something that they talk about, he's not someone who just tells people about his problems with his self image, especially not Kuroko. They should be talking about sports, about school or Kuroko's weird ass friends, anything other than what they're talking about right now. Kuroko is staring at him, his face a mixture of confusion and worry which, even in Kagami's weird state of mind, is a little bit comical on a face which is usually so unemotional.
"Kagami-kun.. I--"
"Hey, don't even worry about it... It's not your issue and I'm feelin' kinda dumb for bringing it up anyway." He lets out a laugh that sounds fake even to his ears. "I've just been thinking too much, you know? I'll feel better in the morning." Kuroko was about to say something but Kagami finds he doesn't want to hear it anymore so he interrupts. He's afraid of what he has to say. He's afraid of this conversation and he's honestly starting to feel stupid for feeling so crappy in the first place when it doesn't even matter.
"Thinking is a dangerous thing for you, Kagami-kun." Kuroko replies, his lips pulling up a bit at the edges to soften the still- concerned look on his face. Kagami can tell this is his attempt at making him feel better and as much as he hates to admit it, it does. Because it's Kuroko. Because he cares enough to try and make him feel better.
Kagami feels his face fall into a small, but genuine smile for the first time tonight as he ruffles Kuroko's hair and laughs a little more at the look of utter annoyance on his face. He really is somethin'. Using the other's head as leverage, Kagami stands and stretches the soreness from his shoulders.
"Sorry for being so weird tonight, but I think I'm gonna head to bed early. You know where everything is. Don't fall asleep on the floor again or I'll kick your ass." and with that he shuffles slowly back to his room, escaping the awkward atmosphere he knows he's created. The heater must have finally kicked on because he doesn't feel his bare toes scrunch against the coldness of the floor anymore.
He hears a quiet "Good night Kagami-kun, feel better," before the TV turns on and even though he knows it's wrong, knows it's weird and a little creepy, he does feel better. The knowledge of Kuroko's quiet presence taking up space in the other room lulls his raging mind into a much appreciated quiet and Kagami feels himself falling asleep to the muted hush of some TV show Kuroko's picked.
--
"Goodnight Kagami-kun, feel better."
Kuroko glances behind him to watch Kagami's back disappear into the second room on the right and he sighs a bit. He had come over to check on him because it was unlike Kagami to ignore text messages, especially considering Kuroko had suggested they go play a few games before it got too cold outside, and Kagami has never refused an invitation when it involved basketball.
He had honestly been worried that something terrible may have happened to him, like falling down a flight of stairs or something equally possible for someone so unnecessarily large and uncoordinated off the court. He was relieved to find Kagami unscathed when he opened the door, but after such a strange and stilted conversation, very out of character for Kagami who seemed to have a gift for filling silences, Kuroko is left with more questions than answers. He stares at the closed door a little longer before switching on the TV and wandering over to the kitchen to grab a glass of milk.
What do you think of me? What kind of a question was that? Kagami has never been one to worry about what others think of him, especially not Kuroko. Kagami is, for lack of a better phrase, a little bit cocky. He's never had any qualms about taking his shirt off for a shirts vs skins match, he scarfs his food like a dog and doesn't care what ends up on his face, and Kuroko's caught him many times making stupid faces in the mirror while flexing his arms. He's a little full of himself sometimes, but from where Kuroko is standing, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Confidence is admirable and Kagami has a lot to be confident about. So why would such a question even cross his mind?
Kuroko sighs again and shuts the refrigerator door to go lay on the couch, pulling a large duvet around himself to ward off the chill of the apartment. He vaguely notes that it smells like Alex-san's perfume. This is probably nothing, everyone has off days. Kagami doesn't let things bother him for too long regardless of the situation anyway, and now that he's here and he knows Kagami's not dead in a ditch somewhere, it'll be alright in his mind. He'll pay attention to see if Kagami is still weird in the morning and if he is, he'll just have to think of something to snap him out of it.
Kuroko pulls one of Kagami's pillows up off of the floor where it had fallen and watches a few episodes of a random animal documentary he's found until he feels himself drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning Kuroko awakes to a loud and off key serenade in english coming from the kitchen and he squeezes his eyes shut against the bright light blaring in through the window.
"Kagami-kun you're a terrible singer," he grumbles loud enough for Kagami to hear above the crackling of what smells like bacon. He hears a loud laugh and a "Well that sucks for you, doesn't it asshole? Get up, we're gonna be late for practice" and Kuroko smiles a bit at how 'Kagami-kun' the response sounds.
Everything goes back to normal after that night, and Kagami doesn't bring up the question again, but for some reason Kuroko finds himself thinking about it every now and again. He'll be sitting in class and staring at the broad shoulders of a peacefully snoring Kagami who is about to get smacked by a wad of bundled up papers, and he wonders if maybe this is what he was referring to. What does Kuroko think of his intelligence, of his mind?
Kuroko wasn't lying when he had said Kagami was an idiot, but he's not completely stupid. It takes a lot of forethought and intuition to be able to catch Kuroko's passes like he does. Even if he seems to have a one-track basketball mind, Kuroko knows Kagami has quite a lot going on up there, especially after the situation with Tatsuya-san, and how he's always seemed to know what Kuroko needs to say without him having to actually use words. That being said, it doesn't make it any less hilarious when he's left speechless in the wake of an angry lecture yelled into his half asleep face.
Weeks pass and Kuroko continues to ponder his question. If it's not his intelligence, then maybe it's his personality? Kuroko has always been able to mesh well with people, regardless of their dispositions. One look at the hodgepodge of people in the Generation of Miracles would be able to tell you that, and Kagami was no different. He had liked Kagami from the beginning, even if he used to be too hot headed and volatile to deal with effectively. Over the past year and a half though, Kagami has cooled down a lot, allowing for the other aspects of his personality to shine through the rough and edgy exterior.
Kagami is kind. It's hard to notice if you're not looking but with as much time as Kuroko has spent with him, it's truly amazing to see how nice of a person Kagami is. There are many times Kuroko can recall when Kagami has brought little things for Nigou over to his house despite the loud and clear declarations of hatred for the puppy, and though Kuroko has never asked for it, Kagami cooks breakfast for him every morning that he stays over. He never throws a fit when coach puts him on the bench to let others play, and he stays behind every day to help put equipment away. Though he's not at all delicate about it in any way, he tries very hard to make sure that everyone gets what they need, and Kuroko feels himself smiling every time he notices it.
All of these thoughts float around in Kuroko's head as he sits at his desk attempting to do work and he wonders why he's even bothering with noticing such things. Kagami is obviously not still worried about it, no one else notices anything different about him so why can't he let this go? He leans back in his chair and stretches, sighing as he resigns himself to the fact that he probably isn't going to get anything productive done tonight. He wants to play basketball, but it's already 9:30 and Kagami is on the other side of town.
He wonders when Kagami had become a must-have accessory to basketball. He could call Aomine-kun or Kise-kun (actually, scratch that. Don't call Kise. He would never hear the end of it if he did.) but he just wants to play with Kagami. Switching off his light, he goes to flop onto his bed and run his hands over his face. There's been a lot of Kagami in his head lately, it's getting awfully crowded up there and Kuroko's a little exhausted from it all.
Taking a deep breath, he attempts to clear his mind. He inhales until it feels like he's filled every inch of his body with air, before letting it go in a slow stream that puffs out his cheeks. Again he relaxes his hands to rest on his chest and he can feel his heartbeat through his chest, steadily thumping away. Shifting a bit, he notices himself becoming slightly hotter under his shorts than is normally comfortable and he takes a quick glance to the side at the nearly full box of tissues on the desk before taking another deep breath. Well, that's one way to waste some brain space.
He doesn't do this very often. There simply isn't enough time and energy to do it, and it's easy to repress these kinds of urges when you have the training regimen that Seirin does, so Kuroko takes his time to enjoy this one chance he has. Biting his lip, he drags his hand down his stomach, feeling the heated skin where his shirt lifts up a bit and running his fingers across the band of his basketball shorts. His breath hitches a bit when he brushes purposefully against the growing tent in his pants and he stretches his other hand up to grab onto his pillow. It's been a while since the last time he's gotten around to this and he can already tell he's not going to last very long.
Pushing the elastic of his shorts down, he continues to palm himself through his underwear and he's starting to lose himself, letting out small noises as he works himself up. Slipping his hand under the waistband of the boxers, he strokes his length in an agonizingly slow motion, teasing himself until he's fully erect and leaking. He brings a fist around to bite on his knuckle to stop the little moans that threaten to spill out, and that's right, he forgot to lock his door and it's too quiet in the house for him to make much noise.
He pumps himself with slow, practiced strokes and feels the heat begin to build in his stomach. Pictures of various women with pretty faces and perfect smiles appear behind his eyelids and he lets out a huff of air he didn't know he was holding in.
Building speed, Kuroko twists his hand around in a teasing manner, making his back twitch and he switches through images in his mind, anything he knows will get him off when suddenly the question pops into his mind again. What do you think of me?
He imagines the movement of perfectly toned muscles pushing and pulling together like waves under sun tanned skin and those red eyes that hold so much fire, so much passion, burning into him. This is wrong, oh so wrong, but Kuroko's already so far gone that he runs with it, his stomach is already coiling around itself, about ready to burst. He bites harder on his hand to keep from moaning.
He can almost feel the rough, large hands running up and down his sides, the way those lips would feel pressed against his heated skin and how soft that messy red hair would bunch up, carded between his fingers as he's rocked further and further down into the mattress. That does it. Kuroko hears himself utter the name in a broken moan, half interrupted by the sharp intake of air as he comes. He feels his body tense and arch off the bed, the glide of his hand becoming sticky and wet. His chest is heaving and he's seeing bright white light around the edges of his vision and between it all he brings a shaking hand up to cover his eyes which are blown wide in realization of what just happened. Oh no.
Oh please no.
He hears an echo of himself calling out Kagami's name in the aftershock of his orgasm and it all suddenly makes a little bit more sense.
The next few days are a bit awkward to say the least. Everyone always seems to lose sight of Kuroko but it's not like he's invisible, even if sometimes he wishes he were. He's been avoiding Kagami and he knows it's rude and unnecessary, but he can't seem to look him in the eyes. That night was an accident and he was determined not to let it happen again. He goes to class and keeps his head down, pretending to sleep when Kagami reaches around and tries to talk to him, and he makes some lame excuse about needing to go to the library for lunch. Of course he can't avoid him at practice but during the day, he needs some time to get his head together.
It's not just the fact that he happened to jerk off to the thought of Kagami. It's that he's been thinking about him non-stop for at least a month now, analyzing every movement and informal sentence that has happened to fall from his big American mouth. It was that stupid question, it's made everything all convoluted and weird. His head is swimming as he sits down in the corner of the library and he wishes he could talk to somebody but the only person he can think of who he'd want to talk about this with, is Kagami. He lets his head fall into his hands and he's so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the hand that comes to rest on his shoulder
He jumps in his seat and snaps his head up so fast the he feels something in his neck pop and he reaches back to rub at it. That could be more comfortable. Kagami's face is a mirror of surprise and one of his eyebrows is cocked in a face that yells something along the lines of 'the fuck is wrong with you?'
"Don't sneak up on me like that Kagami-kun, you'll make me angry," Kuroko whispers in a muted tone.
"You're one to talk, you fucking ghost boy," Kagami snaps back at him. He's a little too loud and the librarian shushes him and he sinks dejectedly into the chair beside Kuroko. His ears are red, which Kuroko definitely doesn't find endearing. Definitely not. They both look away, Kuroko at his hands which are nervously wrapping around themselves, an annoying habit he has never seemed to have gotten rid of, and Kagami staring at the wall of books in front of them.
"Hey... a-are you okay?" Kagami questions, voice barely above a whisper like it's something he shouldn't be asking.
"I'm fine, Kagami-kun." He's never been very good at lying, and even to his ears his statement sounds false but he can't help it. He doesn't want to admit to himself that his heart is racing much faster than it usually does. Kagami of all people is asking if he's okay. This isn't right, he isn't supposed to feel like this toward Kagami. This is his partner and his best friend he's thinking about and it's just not acceptable. His heart clenches a bit and he just needs to breathe right now but Kagami is looking at him from the corner of his eye with some kind of expression and he can't tell what it is.
"Do you want to come over tonight?" Kuroko blanks. He hadn't been expecting that. He doesn't really feel like he can handle being alone with Kagami right now but it would be worse to say no, wouldn't it? Kagami's not stupid, he obviously knows that Kuroko is acting strange for a reason. He needs to pull himself together and fix these weird feelings so they stop interfering with his friendship. That's right, Kagami is his friend before he's anything else.
"Yes, I'd like to come over if you'll have me." He flinches inwardly at the double meaning to his words, the image of Kagami pressing him into the mattress flashing briefly into his mind cuts him off short.
"'If you'll have me,'" Kagami says in a mocking tone, "When are you ever not welcome at my house, you little shit." Kagami ruffles Kuroko's hair, there's a slight blush on his cheeks and despite himself, he smiles a bit before shooing Kagami's hand away. Why is it that Kagami is the only one that can simultaneously be the cause and the solution to all of his problems?
Kuroko lags behind Kagami while they walk to the apartment after practice. The awkwardness that he had been feeling all day was quickly drilled out of him after a few minutes of Coach's work out and Kuroko is glad that at least basketball will now always be a constant in his life, even when everything in his head is mixed up and unclear.
Kagami is walking a few steps ahead of him but he sneaks a few glances back every now and again when he thinks Kuroko isn't paying attention. He's been talking, Kuroko knows this but he can't seem to register any words he's saying. Though the tone of his voice is loud and commanding as always, his eyes seem worried when he turns to look at Kuroko. The thought of Kagami worrying over him makes Kuroko's stomach do little flips and turns that he doesn't want to acknowledge. He chastises himself for being so worked up over nothing, come on now.
"...listening?....Kuroko? Hey, dumbass!" Kuroko feels a flick to his forehead and he stops in his tracks, rubbing at the area and feeling his face slip into his version of a scowl. He's been told that his face doesn't show a lot of emotion usually but Kuroko hopes for moments like these that Kagami is able to see his disapproval clearly.
"What was that for Kagami-kun?"
"Don't give me that shit, you haven't been listening to a word I've been saying have you?" He had him there. He has no clue what Kagami's been talking about.
"That's no reason to hit though..." Kuroko mumbles as Kagami sighs in a rather dramatic fashion.
"You're the one being rude here you little shit. What are you even thinking about, it's like you've been on some other planet for days. Earth to space cadet Kuroko, I need you back ASAP." Kagami laughs a bit and his shoulders stiffen after he says this but Kuroko's too busy trying to stop the heat he can feel spreading to his face to notice. Kagami needs him? No, it's nothing. It meant nothing.
"I've just been distracted it's nothing to worry over..." He wishes Kagami would just drop it. This is dangerous territory and he's tired of lying. When did he stop being able to say whatever was on his mind without hesitiation? There's usually never a reason for him to lie unless apparently he's trying to hide the fact that he's seemed to developed a colossal crush on one of his best friends.
"Oh yeah? What, you got some secret girlfriend you're tryin' to hid from me?" Kagami's shoulders are still tight and his tone seems forcibly casual. He hasn't faced Kuroko for a couple of minutes now and he wishes misdirection still worked on Kagami so he could just disappear.
"I wish you were that easy." Kuroko mutters under his breath.
Oops.
He wasn't really supposed to say that out loud but he's finding it difficult to control the volume of his inner monologue. He feels his heart kick into overdrive, and oh please say Kagami hadn't heard him.
They've already reached Kagami's apartment and Kuroko glances sideways at him as his key slips in the lock to the door. It'd deafeningly quiet save for the gentle click of the lock and Kagami's big hands are shaking a bit. Kuroko can't handle this right now. He feels a bit ill if he's telling the truth and his stomach hasn't stopped doing little flips since Kagami said that he needed him to come back to Earth. Maybe he really is an alien. It would certainly explain a lot.
He toes his shoes off and the silence surrounding them is stifling. He wishes Kagami could just say something, anything to fill the tense mood that's fallen over them. He attempts to escape the atmosphere by shuffling over to the kitchen table where he can at least guarantee that his knees won't give out from shaking. Why hasn't Kagami said anything yet? He hates awkward silence more than anyone else he's ever known. Oh no. Oh lord he must have heard what he said earlier. He knows. It's over.
"Kuroko... what are you thinking about...?"
He hears the chair next to him scrape against the floor and turns his head towards Kagami's voice but comes face to face with wide eyes, obviously not prepared to be that close. Kagami leans back a little bit and tries sputtering out a quiet apology but Kuroko finds that he doesn't want to move.
This is it. He's already all in, Kagami knows about whatever this is that Kuroko feels for him and he's going to push him away any second now. This is the end of everything he's built with Kagami and still he can't seem to stop himself from leaning forward, trapped in those red irises that are currently boring into his. His face remains as impassive as ever but he can hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears.
"I'm sorry Kagami-kun..." He leans forward a bit more and briefly questions his sanity before he shuts his eyes and presses his lips to Kagami's.
--
Oh shit.
Oh shit Kuroko is kissing him.
Kagami's hands break out into a cold sweat and his eyes are still wide open, staring at the closed lids of the blue haired boy. This isn't like any other kiss Kagami has received before, this isn't aggressive and in his face like Alex's kisses and he really doesn't know what to do with it. No, this isn't even a kiss, it's more of Kuroko simply resting his lips on his before pulling away and hiding his face behind his long blue bangs.
He can feel himself gaping but he can't seem to pull his face together. Kuroko just kissed him. He would pinch himself to see if this is a dream but he can't seem to get his arms to move.
"Whu.." He hears himself huff out and mentally cringes at how dumb it sounds. Very eloquent, Taiga.
"I apologize, Kagami-kun... I'll see myself out." Kuroko's voice sounds small and broken as he stand quickly from his chair and it pulls Kagami out of his stupor enough to catch the pocket on Kuroko's jacket to stop him from leaving. He can't leave yet, this is everything Kagami's needed for so long, he can't just leave.
"What was that?" He hates the way Kuroko won't look at him, his eyes are covered by his hair and his shoulders are hunched over and he just looks so damn tiny right now. Kuroko may be short but he holds that small body with pride and confidence and to see him so ...defeated is hurting Kagami much more than he thought was possible. It's quiet for a few more seconds before he shoves his seat back and holds on tighter to the jacket, pulling gently on it to try and get Kuroko to turn around, anything to see his face right now.
"God damnit, Kuroko what was that?" His voice is getting louder, he needs to know that what just happened was purposeful. He needs to know that Kuroko meant to kiss him. Everything is riding on this moment and he needs to hear him say it.
"Please Kagami-kun, let go I said I was sorry.." Kuroko's voice, usually so steady and sure, breaks on the last syllable and that does it, fuck whether he meant it or not. If he isn't going to say it then Kagami will. He yanks on the jacket hard enough to make Kuroko stumble backwards until he's wrapped within his arms before Kagami is bending down to press himself firmly against the others lips. He's never really done this before but he shuts his eyes and turns his head on instinct, trying to get Kuroko to respond before everything is ruined. He finally has him in his arms after so many nights of dreaming and wishing and he doesn't want to let go. Not yet, please just let him stay one more minute, one more second.
Kuroko slowly brings his hands up and fists at Kagami's shirt before finally, finally pressing back into the kiss and a small choking gasping sound escapes his throat. Kagami opens his eyes a bit, sees the tears that are threatening to spill from Kuroko's clenched eyelids and he feels his stomach drop. He tries to pull away but Kurokos hands keep him in place and his eyes remain shut as he chokes out a small "Don't go." It's not a confession, but it's enough.
"Hey, hey, hey, Kuroko look at me. Tetsuya. Look at me." Kagami's voice is quiet and commanding and he brings a hand to rest on Kuroko's cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the moisture at the corner of his right eye. Kuroko still won't open his eyes but his fists clench around the material of Kagami's shirt. He leans in to kiss Kuroko's cheek gently and whispers a quiet "Please" against his skin.
Slowly, Kuroko opens his eyes to stare into Kagami's and damn those blue pools are really somethin' else. They're the clearest shade of sky blue he's ever seen and they're looking at him with so much uncertainty, so much confusion right now that Kagami can't help himself when he presses a quiet kiss to Kuroko's forehead.
"What the hell, stupid why are you crying?" He laughs a little bit and bumps their noses together, trying to get Kuroko to respond to the situation with something other than the slightly panicked deer-in-headlights look he's wearing. Kagami's heart is beating in his ears and he feels like throwing up but he needs to get Kuroko to stop this before he can even think about how he feels right now.
"I'm not the stupid one, idiot, why aren't you yelling? Why aren't you disgusted and kicking me out of your home for what I just did? I'm a boy, why are you letting me kiss you, Kagami-kun?" Kuroko's voice keeps cutting in and out and it sends daggers through Kagami with every break. That's what he's crying about? After all they've done together, romantic or not, he really thinks Kagami would kick him to the curb for one little thing? Out of all the fucking stupid--
"Because I like you, dumbass. Have for a long time." He presses his forehead to Kuroko's with a subtle thunk and it kind of hurts but he's staring at the face he's been dreaming of for months now and he isn't about to ruin it. His heart is in his throat while he watches the way Kuroko's eyes widen. The fists in his shirt loosen and he feels them shaking so he trails his fingers up the others arms and closes his large hand around the thin wrist of his basketball partner. Come hell or high water, he's in this now and he can't back out, so he might as well go big while he can.
Kuroko is quiet for a bit and Kagami watches in fascination as the storm that had obviously been raging inside Kuroko's mind calms and a more composed demeanor settles over him.
"Are you sure Kagami-kun?" Kagami nods.
His eyes are searching over Kagami's face for any hint that this may be some cruel joke or that he's not 100 percent certain of his feelings, and upon finding nothing, he lets out a quiet sigh.
"You know, you could have told me that sooner." His voice is exhausted but sure and his eyebrows scrunch together into his version of what looks like a pout. Kagami swears he's never seen someone so cute in his life. Unable to contain himself he leans in and takes another kiss for himself, relishing in the way Kuroko actually presses back up into him while running a hand through his hair. His lips are a bit chapped and their teeth make a clacking sound when they first come together but Kagami feels the way a smile pulls around the edges of his lips and this right here is a little piece of heaven.
He runs his hands down Kuroko's back and bends a bit to lift him off the floor while deepening the kiss, letting his lips take whatever Kuroko feels like giving him. Like everything else they've done together up until this point, it's as natural as breathing to respond to one another's hints and body movements and Kagami can feel himself being lost in the rhythm.
After god only knows how long, they break apart and Kagami huffs out an amazed little laugh as Kuroko rubs his nose against Kagami's. The action itself is unremarkable but considering that Kurokos the one doing it, that it's his smiling lips kissing his cheek, he wouldn't have it any other way. He still feels like this is all some wicked dream, like he's going to wake up any second.
"Do you still want to know what I think about you Kagami-kun?" Kuroko breathes against his skin and wraps his arms tighter around Kagami's shoulders. For a second, Kagami can feel his confusion showing on his face and reigns it in a bit when Kuroko smirks - as much as his face ever really shows a smirk- and pokes the space between his eyebrows.
What he thinks of him? Where the hell did that come from? He pulls back to search Kuroko's face for the meaning of his statement before it hits him, images of his face in the mirror and the shower walls flashing through his mind.
"Holy shit, you remember that?" Kagami's surprised, it had been over a month now since that night and he had honestly forgotten about it all by the next morning. Kuroko gives him a curt nod and Kagami smiles at how serious he looks all of a sudden. It would take a hundred years understand what goes on in that head. He bends to rests his head on Kuroko's shoulder.
"..No. I don't want you to tell me."
"But, Kagami-kun--" Kuroko pulls back, pushing on Kagami's shoulders and his eyebrows are beginning to scrunch together into a look of determined fierceness that sends Kagami's heart pounding against his ribcage at what he's about to do. He cuts him off with a quick mash of lips that ends with him lightly nipping at Kuroko's bottom lip.
"I want you to show me." He whispers before bending to slip his hands under Kuroko's knees and lifting him clear off the floor, supporting the entirety of his weight in his arms. Kuroko's breath leaves him in a huff and his lips part as the remaining breath hitches in his throat. He looks up at him with a smile that takes Kagami's breath away before he mutters a soft "I can do that" against Kagami's neck.
He has no clue how he should go about this situation and if he was one to think before acting, he'd probably tell himself to slow the fuck down and cherish this but that just won't cut it right now. Kuroko's finally here, bodies so close he's almost positive Kuroko can feel his heartbeat through his sweatshirt and Kuroko's pressing tiny kisses to his chin like this is exactly where he wants to be and Kagami just can't stop.
Kicking the door to his room open, he tightens his hold on Kuroko's legs and he lets his eyes adjust to the darkness. Something in the back of his mind wishes he'd cleaned the place up a bit, because he's having to kick things out of the way on the way to the bed and it makes Kuroko pull away from where he'd been pressing soft kisses to his neck to comment in an accusing voice.
"You're a slob, Kagami-kun."
"Shut the fuck up I didn't know I was gonna have someone else in my bedroom tonight." He says and unceremoniously drops Kuroko on the bed. He wants to laugh at the way Kuroko's eyebrows scrunch together into a semi-scowl at being jostled so suddenly but he holds it in when he sees the bright red dusting high on his cheeks. Which is when it hits him. He has someone else in his bedroom. He has Kuroko in his bedroom and he's working on a pretty decent hard-on right now and for a second when he catches Kuroko's eyes he feels a shiver run down his spine. In the silence that follows he can almost hear the heavy spark in the air around them.
Slowly lowering himself to the bed, he keeps his eyes locked with Kuroko's which are watching him so intently he starts to feel like there's a spotlight trained on him. Pushing through it, he props himself up on his elbows on either side of Kuroko's shoulders and runs a hand through the messy blue hair. He stares down and feels his face softening at the way Kuroko is looking at him with so much raw emotion it surprises him.
"What?" he asks in a hushed voice and he can feel a tingling warmth spread through his entire body as Kuroko smiles. It's soft and trusting and everything he's wanted for so long. Kuroko reaches up and hooks his hands behind Kagami's head, pulling him down into a kiss that he wasn't honestly expecting. A little surprised noise bubbles up from the back of his throat.
The kiss is tender and slow and Kagami follows wherever Kuroko leads, working their lips together in a way he's never felt before but he knows he never wants to leave. Kuroko slips his mouth open a bit and Kagami lets his tongue run a path over Kuroko's lips, the way Kuroko's hands tighten in his hair making him let out a little gasp, pushing further, pulling Kuroko into his pace.
Kuroko feels warm and solid underneath him. He's not fragile and Kagami knows he won't break but he still tries to support most of his weight on his arms, if for no other reason than to keep the growing situation in his pants from ruining the moment. He wants to be closer, to breathe him in like he's thought of doing for so many lonely nights but he can't bring himself to let these little heartfelt moments go. Nothing ruins a moment like an unexpected boner.
Kuroko shuffles below him and lets out a little pained sound as they break apart. Kagami freezes above him and quickly lifts whatever weight had been pressed against his body, sitting up to hover over him. Oh god, he had probably been unknowingly crushing him. There it was again. Too much, too big for normal life.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry are you okay? I didn't mean to--"
Kuroko presses a hand ungracefully against Kagami's mouth, smashing his face and effectively shutting him up for the moment. "You didn't do anything Kagami-kun." He says breathlessly. Kagami would be mad about having a hand shoved in his face but he's distracted by the way Kuroko looks right now.
He's refusing to make eye-contact and the blush is still warming his pale cheeks, even if his expression betrays nothing. It piques Kagami's interest and he sits back to take a moment to notice that his hair is already on its way to being a disaster and his shirt is riding up, exposing the flat expanse of his stomach. He's not toned like Kagami is but he's got the outlines of years of hard work etched into him and it makes it hard to concentrate.
He's so focused on the little patch of white skin that he almost misses the way Kuroko's pants are obviously tighter than usual. Almost. His breathing hitches and he snaps his head back up to stare amazed at Kuroko's face. He's hard. Holy shit he's made him hard.
He puts out his arms to rest on either side of Kuroko's torso and hangs his head, closing his eyes and feeling his heartbeat quicken again. "Kuroko.. are you..?"
"Yes, Kagami-kun." He sounds as bashful as Kuroko ever does in embarrassing situations, but his chest is rising and falling in erratic patterns that betray his deadpan. Kagami pauses for a moment before considering his next words.
"Can I... can we... Can I touch you?" He knows they're not going to have sex, Kagami isn't even really sure how it works with two dudes yet but he has an overwhelming urge to just... touch him. Have him closer than he's ever had anyone before. Kuroko's takes a sharp inhale of breath before dragging Kagami back up to meet his lips, grasping onto Kagami's shirt like his life depends on it.
"Yes, Taiga-kun." Kagami groans out a feral noise from the back of his throat before descending on the body beneath him. The sound of his name leaving Kuroko's lips, so breathless and needy, is intoxicating in and of itself and it makes Kagami ache, yearn to hear it more. Pressing Kuroko further into the sheets, he runs a hand down Kuroko's side, feeling every hard curve of his body, every sharp plane of his hips and ribs.
He pauses at the waistband of Kuroko's basketball shorts and before he can even ask if it's really okay, Kuroko brings a hand to entwine with Kagami's, slowly guiding him further down. Kagami lets out a shaky breath against Kuroko's lips and he watches the lidded eyes as he presses experimentally against the heated skin. Kagami feels the fist tighten in his shirt as Kuroko closes his eyes and lets a low breathy sound escape his swollen lips.
He looks like sin and it makes Kagami feel bold, makes him want to draw out more of those breathy impossible sounds that he's never heard before. He wants to know that Kuroko is making those sounds for him. Wrapping his hand around Kuroko's length, he gives an experimental stroke, Kuroko's hand moving him in all the ways he should go. He grows bolder with every breath forced from Kuroko's lungs.
It feels like... well, it feels like someone else's dick in his hand. It's heavy and shorter than his own so he feels a bit clumsy with it, but the way Kuroko is pressing up into his hand makes him feel like he must be doing something right. He falls into a simple rhythm and Kuroko's guiding hand falls away from his own, moving instead to grasp at Kagami's forearms. He nudges his nose at Kuroko's cheek and trails his lips to his ear before grazing his teeth on a patch of reddened skin underneath.
"Tetsuya," He hears himself whisper against his ear, nose pushed into the messy blue hair. He doesn't have a reason for saying it really, he just wants to feel the way the name tastes on his tongue. It's new and dangerously addictive and he feels it radiating through his mind again and again with every ragged breath. Kuroko Tetsuya is here in his arms, and he's making little noises every time Kagami twists his hand a certain way and it's perfectly imperfect.
He feels Kuroko tense up beneath him before he's pulled into a kiss, all teeth and tongue and desperation. Kagami had become so lost in concentration over the symphony that is Kuroko that he jumps a bit when he feels a warm hand move down the front of his pants. He lets out an instinctual moan into Kuroko's mouth where he's currently sucking on his tongue and it's all he can do to not grind down into his hand.
Kuroko is working him like nothing he's ever felt before and he has a sudden very overwhelming need to be closer, to feel more against him. He quickly sits up and removes his hand from Kuroko's pants, wrenching a little whining sound from Kuroko. Before those startled blue eyes have time to bore into his own with unneeded questions, he tears away at the lower layers of clothing separating him from Kuroko.
Pushing down his own shorts to his knees, he reaches a practiced hand to grab the almost empty bottle of lube on his nightstand. While he bites off the cap he feels Kuroko wrap his legs around his waist, pulling him closer and it's maddening. He collapses again against him, attacking his neck with demanding little love bites while taking them both in his slickened hand, pumping them together to a faster paced beat.
Kuroko bucks up into his hand and slips his arms under Kagami's shirt, scratching unreadable patterns into the tensed muscles of his back. He hears his name echoing against his collarbone and it's not long before his pace becomes erratic and frantic as Kuroko spills himself over his stomach. He speeds his hand and soon enough the fire in his veins erupts as comes, Kuroko's name riding low on his lips.
He buries his face into Kuroko's neck and breathes in the smell of sweat and soap and Kuroko mixing with the heavy air in the room. His breathing is being ripped from his chest and he can still feel Kuroko's arms clenched around his body like a vice. All of his senses are tingling with the reality of the person in his arms and he props himself up to look at the softly panting boy beneath him, lidded blue eyes staring up at him like he's some sort of miracle.
"Wasn't I supposed to be the one showing you these things Kagami-kun?" Kagami laughs at how normal he sounds despite the ragged breath and he leans down to place a kiss on his sweaty forehead, brushing the blue strands up and out of the way.
"Next time." He says simply. Because there's going to be a next time. There's going to be a hundred next times if it means he can keep looking at this face. He ruffles a hand through the rats nest that has become Kuroko's hair and fixes his pants back in place before noticing Kuroko looking in distaste at the drying puddle on his stomach.
".. Ew," he says in such an unpleased tone that Kagami laughs and tells him to stay still. Shakily lifting himself up to go find something to clean Kuroko off, he feels the heat rising to his face as he wipes a dirty shirt over Kuroko's belly. In the moment, it was one of the most intense and forceful things he's ever felt in his life but in the aftermath it's just embarrassing.
"Kagami-kun is very cute." He hears as Kuroko rolls over and lifts a hand to poke at the space between his eyebrows where he had apparently been scrunching them into a frown. Crossing his eyes to look at the intruding finger, he barks out an overly loud, yet harmless "Shut the fuck up."
Kuroko lets out a little relaxed laugh that Kagami has never heard before and pulls at his shoulders until they're both settled under the covers. Kuroko is silently smoothing his hands over all his forgotten scars, and Kagami lets him. He wants Kuroko to see and feel all of his little imperfections and know that they're his if he'll take them. This is just the start of whatever they're doing and he's not going to let himself hide from someone who wants to be his everything. Kuroko is quiet as he draws a line over the most prominent scars on his ribs and arms and though he knows he should be a bit embarrassed, a bit worried at how his body is being viewed, the look on Kuroko's face tells him its all unnecessary. It always was.
He feels himself falling asleep to the gentle massage of Kuroko's hands on his body and the last thing he can remember thinking is how nicely they fit into each other's arms.
--
Kuroko wakes up the next morning feeling too hot, too constricted by the arms around his waist, and Kagami's morning wood is pressing into his back. He's snoring like a chainsaw in his ear and Kuroko's pretty sure he's been drooling on his shoulder all night because he feels rather damp all over his chest. But all things considered, it's really not as unpleasant as he expected it to be.